'the meet up'

soooooooooooo, this is my 43rd posting...
and being i'm 43, i was thinkin, well, maybe it should be something...
extraordinary! haha!
but after much thought, and back and forth on what it should be about...
i think i'm gonna go with a laugh...
instead of my usual sap...
that, i must say, is kinda just me,
but...
being laughter, sometimes is the best medicine...
maybe i'll just truck it on that way, and see how it goes.
before i relay this story of my life,
let me just say that i will give no names, in order to keep the people in the story, safe from harm, laughter, and perhaps ridicule :)
as to not harm the innocent, right? haha!
in the last few months, a friend of mine's mom,
has been talking non-stop that i should meet this girl she knows...
that she's way cute, in shape, long blonde hair...the whole nine yards.
anyways, she's been talkin her up quite a bit,
whenever she comes to visit and we're sharing mojitos on the porch...
because, lets face it...mojitos on a breezy porch...yep...pretty much the best!
so, a couple weeks ago, i'm at work, and i get a text from my friend saying,
'my mom's in town, want to grab a drink with said cute blonde girl?'
well, i think to myself...okay...i guess this is what we single people do...
we meet people...so, i say yes, as long as you're there too.
we set the date and the next day rolls around, as they usually do...
my friend and i hop in her car, and proceed to the meet up place.
as we're rollin up in the parking lot, she tells me, 'well, i really don't know this person that well, it's mostly my mom's idea...we should make a signal to each other, just in case this doesn't go well'...
i, of course, am all for the signal thought.
and here we go...
we walk into the back porch area, as it is a really nice breezy afternoon on the beach, huge waves, surfers surfing, people ordering up cold beverages...
it couldn't have been a more perfect scene for a late afternoon meet cute.
we walk up to the table and if the first few minutes was any sign of what was about to come along, i maybe should have started running then. haha!
but...as they say...sometimes you just have to be patient, and give a person a chance to reveal themselves to you...as i figure out later in this 'blind date' scenario...maybe the revealing kinda thing...mmmmmmmmm...not such a great idea.
and yes, that will be explained later as well.
so, anyways, there we were, being introduced...
she had sunglasses on, where i couldn't see her eyes, in the least,
and she gave me a point with her finger, and a 'nice to meetcha' kinda handshake...
then said we all needed a drink, as she raised her arm and shouted for the bartender, at the top of her lungs...
at that point, i kinda already knew i was in for an interesting evening.
after the first 10 minutes, i get up to go to the restroom,
or more like, escape to the restroom,
and as i'm coming out,
there she is...walking towards me...
she says to me, 'hey, come to the bathroom with me'...
and i say to her, 'you know, that's okay, i just went, i'm gonna head back to the table, i'm okay'...
but she says, 'no, no, no, come with me...then we can talk'
and to that i'm say, 'no really, i'm okay...i'll just go back to the table'
but to no avail...she keeps saying the same thing, and finally, i just go with it...
we walk into the restroom, and she proceeds to walk into the stall, without closing it, i'm guessing thinkin i would follow her in, so, i lean forward and close it for her, and stand in the bathroom, as she asks me questions about myself.
such as...'are you bi-polar?', 'how old are you?', 'how old do you think i am?', 'is my age going to be a problem for you?'
yep...all very interesting conversation, i must say. haha!
so, we finally are done with that...and as we're walking back to the table, my friends are walking towards me, and she asks what they're doing, and they say that they were actually coming to check on me. hahahhaha! she's perplexed at why this is...but the night keeps going.
at a certain point, i see out of the corner of my eye, my friend's mom, asking her if she wants to trade places and sit next to me...(argh, nooooooooooo)
next thing i know, she's right there, laying her leg against me,
and every few minutes or so, reaching over and massaging my knee, and lookin over at me with a love-lorn type look...zoiks, i want to cry out for help! haha!
and by that point, the signal has not worked...
drinks are being drunk, and it just keeps getting better.
without my knowledge, help was sent for by the way of text to my ex and her girlfriend, that miraculously show up and a few other people as well.
by now, the table is jam packed and i'm trying desperately, to not even look over at the 'not so cute blonde girl'...as to not give her anymore reason to touch me or think i was walking out of that bar with her...next thing i know she's having a big conversation with my ex, and hitting on her, whilst her girlfriend is standing right next to her...yep...a winner, i say! haha!
to cap off the entire evening with no less than 10 peeps, sitting at the table,
she pulls up her shirt and shows her bare breasts to the table...(and not for just a flash second, but more like a good 20 seconds, of just standing there with her shirt up)
fortunately, for me, i was sitting next to her, and did not even look her way,
i saw enough out of the corner of my eye...
and by way of everyone else's faces at the table,
i was completely mortified and amazed, all at the same time.
i will say though, that the looks and the silence at the table,
were the most hilarious site to be seen and heard! hahahahha!
with a packed bar...it seemed like crickets were chirping for those few seconds, just at our table alone! hahahhaha!
to end it all...
she sort of just disappeared into the woodwork, stumbling away, and not saying goodbye...
which, to be totally honest, i was not sad for that adeiu at all.
and even better...
the rest of the night was quite fun and full of laughter...
dancing, talking, and embibing til the lights came on, and we were shoo-ed away by the barbacks.
re-living it the next day was quite a hoot, and as i've told the story several times to my friends...we've all had a great laugh...perhaps, a bit at my expense, but laughter, just the same.
which, as we know...it's good to have a good laugh...even if it is about yourself, and your so-called dating life. haha!
and it also goes to show you...
sometimes, when you think it sucks to be alone...
the night that i had is a good reminder that i'm okay just the way i am.
and perhaps, even more so, everything comes in its own time.
that was definitely not my time. haha!
it was a time, that's for sure though! and hey, we all have had those, here and there.
i guess the key is to not take things at second or third hand,
just as good ole walt whitman would say...
"you shall listen to all sides and filter them from your self."
tis true...no one can tell you the answers or whats best for you, better than you.
'song of myself', baby cakes, 'song of myself'.
you gotta just trust that what's inside of you is gonna get you there...
and then you'll know.
who knew all of that could come from the worst 'meet up' ever! haha!
goes to show you...you can learn something from everything :)
even from loud talking, knee massaging, bathroom jabbering, boob showing, dates...
yep...we can pull some good from even the worst of nights.
live and learn.
and above all...laugh.

dig deep

let me start off like this...
well, actually, let's just say that life is full of surprises, right?
i mean, think about it,
every corner we seem to turn,
there's something there that we had no idea that we were going to see.
the other day i had a few early mornin hiccups to start my day.
first i was just getting ready for work...
and low and behold, my goofy toilet had decided not to flush...
i thought, 'well, okay, just get ready for work, and i'll worry about it later',
then i get to work,
and we have to do this battery watering thing on our 80 carts...
yeah, not a big deal, but to start off, this new little tool we do it with,
was fighting with me...by, basically, spurting water all over my shorts,
and even a few times, straight in my face. haha!
at that moment though, i was bit frustrated, being it was 6:30 in the mornin,
and i was not quite ready for the fight of the day.
because let's just admit right now,
that somedays are just that...
a fight.
everything we do, every person we come in contact with, every situation...
is just a fight.
at a certain point, between the takin of deep breaths to keep myself in check,
my partner i was working with walked inside the pro-shop,
and i was left, sitting quietly in my cart, looking down at my running shoes...
when suddenly i noticed this writing on the lil plastic parts that cover the end of the shoe strings...one said 'dig' and the other said 'deep'.
i was struck by the depth of those words, right there in that moment.
dig deep! wow!
it took me on this whole thought of my life,
and of the lives of the people around me.
how on somedays, relatively speaking,
we have to dig deep within ourselves to just make it.
to not explode at the slightest of things.
to not just give up, and go the wrong way.
it reminded me too, of how easy my life is...and how lucky i am.
and yes, even the luckiest people have moments that digging deep is imperative.
we all have to do it at some point or another, right?
no one gets to escape from it, really.
there are just different degrees of digging that we must do.
and the digging deep can also be brought to the table of being new...
of having the mind and attitude of a beginner.
i've heard this a few times lately...in different ways.
basically meaning that when we're new at something...
there's an excuse for mistakes,
we can look idiotic or goofy,
we can laugh at ourselves,
and it's okay.
but once we become good at something or experts...then there's less of an acceptance for errors...we're less likely to go out on a limb, and jumble some shit up.
we begin to think, 'i can't do that, i'll look stupid'.
we become too serious about ourselves.
we forget to laugh it off.
that's where the breath comes in...and that's what i've been learning about in yoga, and through reading different books on mindfulness and meditation.
learning that taking a deep breath in, can cleanse you and calm you, all at the same time.
today, i went to a yoga class, that honestly, i was thinking was one thing, and it turned out to be something totally different.
when i first walked in, i thought, 'what in the hell is this?'...
i was the only one for the first few minutes,
and i was feeling quite a bit, self conscious and gangly.
but then in my head i thought to myself, 'okay, honey, just go with it, and see what happens.'
turns out...it was kind of an interesting way to go about yoga.
i ended up having to really listen to the cues that the instructor was giving,
and the set up for it, also put the different poses into a new light for me.
it was slower and more mindful and there was a lot of focus on breathing.
i walked away from that class being pleasantly surprised by an alternate perspective of the yoga i usually go to.
because, honestly, when i first had realised that i was going to be doing something different, i was not really happy...i wanted my regular class...i wanted to be at home in that...but...nope...
there i was, on this circular mat, with this pod thing in the middle, and me wondering...'geesh, i'm glad this will only be an hour' and 'should i make a run for it?'
but i didn't...i stayed...
probably too, because i didn't want to hurt the lady's feelings that was teaching it, as pissy as i felt that it wasn't my usual class.
we humans and change...why is it so hard?
i don't know.
but i gotta tell ya...i'm glad i stayed.
which brings me back to the whole thought of 'dig deep'.
yes, none of the things i've talked about today are huge reasons to dig deep...
but as you know, very well...
life is full of moments and chances and reasons to do it...
to just dig deep.
to find something within us to pull us through, whatever we're going through.
big problems, small problems.
new things, old things.
i think one of the secrets is that sometimes, maybe,
looking at things like we're beginners,
and listening and paying attention to the cues of life,
well...maybe it could be the way to go.
embarassingly so, at 43, i've decided recently,
to start boogie boarding...
yes, it is funny...and my friends usually have a good laugh about it.
believe me :)
but the honest thing about that is...
i really love it.
the freedom of gliding across the water on the sole power of a wave...
i kid you not...it's a really cool feeling.
i find that every time, i go to stand up at the end of a ride...
i'm smiling, as i'm wiping my eyes clear of the salty water.
it's a refreshing and wonderful feeling to have, i gotta tell ya.
point being...
why not do something out of our box...
out of our realm of seriousness...
something you might want to do that may make others laugh that you're doing it.
who cares?! really?! who cares?!
as we get older, and become these experts...we can't forget that feeling of being a beginner...of digging deep...of working through all of those mistakes and failures...and building something within ourselves that's beautiful and amazing.
we all have it somewhere in there, in our hearts, that sometimes, we forget to use, even if it is beating strongly for us...we forget to listen to it.
and for some reason, we don't trust it.
we forget that each day is a day that we have to dig deep.
to live and to be.
i leave you with this...
if on any given day, you're feelin as if you're not going to make it or that you're not enough or you don't have the skill for this or that...
think this...'i am large; i contain multitudes'
yep...walt whitman happened to know some stuff, it's true.
the truth is in that quote, completely...
you may have to look hard...
but it's there...
you're there...
multitudes, my friends, multitudes.
so,
be the beginner, always...
and,
dig as deep as you can.
you may surprise yourself.
geez, for that matter,
you may surprise everyone around you.
wouldn't that be a treat?

you must travel it for yourself...

let's hop right in, shall we?
there's been loads of talk recently between my friends and i about love...
yep...right...huge surprise...haha...
but it's been making me think about a couple things,
that seemingly can only be expressed in the comfort of my little hovel i live in...
in the silence that it brings...
and the solitude that is, my home.
i think the thing that a lot of us forget is that mostly, love is...
unmanageable,
uncontrolable,
wild and insane,
not understandable,
and pretty much, just a big freakin surprise when it hits you!
so, when people come up to you and say this or that,
about what you need to do about your life and love...
the truth of that matter, lies within you...
not them...
never them...
it's all you...
so, get all the opinions that you want...
hear all the criticisms that people have to say...
the advice out the wazoo...
but again...
it's all you.
most people are coming from their own places in that lil part of their lives...
their love...
their loss of it...
their injuries and scars...
their disbelief in what is or isn't.
yes, yes, yes...you will hear plenty of people disuading you from it.
telling you...it's not possible...
but again, here we are...
it's just you.
no one can tell you to not be in love...
because to do that, they must have no idea what it feels like to be there...
or they must also think that it's possible to talk yourself out of how you feel...
nope, not possible.
if that were so...sometimes, as we all know, that would make life a little bit easier on the heart.
but, my friends and family, life is about living...
it's about seeing...
it's about tasting...
it's about touching...
it's about feeling all there is to feel!
whether you get dropped right out of the sky on your head or not,
that is the part that's not easy...
just letting go of all of that shit we hold onto,
thinking we're safe from it all.
we're never safe from it all.
and anyways...geez...
why do we want to be so damn safe?!
and noooooooooooo, i'm not talkin of wearing a helmet while on a motorcycle,
or going the speed limit,
or makin sure to use your blinker...
we're talking about out and out, love, you guys...
love!
or more simply,
just feeling how you're feeling,
and being okay with it,
and expressing it...
because it's all fine and good to know this or that...
but if you always hold it inside,
and you never let it out...
what happens to it,
what happens to you?!
ugh!
yes, it's scary, don't get me wrong...
laying yourself on the line, is more scary than anything...
but...
not laying it out there...
hmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
that may be scarier...if that's even a word!
haha!
i know, i do hear myself talking about this a lot,
and yes, i may be thought to be a fool...
i am a fool...in just about every way, for sure.
but one thing i know and i've learned as i've gotten older,
and grown into this body and soul of mine,
is that you have to say it...you have to put it out there...
and you can't listen to everything people are whispering in your ears
about your love...
you are the only one that feels it, and knows it, and what's it's like to be there.
but you have to be there...
because no one can do that for you.
i'll give you a lil quote action from one of my all time favorite poems,
'song of myself', by walt whitman,
and maybe it explains this life in a simpler way...

"i know i have the best of time and space, and was never
measured and never will be measured.
i tramp a perpetual journey, (come listen all!)
my signs are a rain-proof coat, good shoes, and a staff
cut from the woods,
no friend of mine takes his ease in my chair,
i have no chair, no church, no philosophy,
i lead no man to a dinner-table, library, exchange,
but each man and each woman of you i lead upon a knoll,
my left hand hooking you round the waist,
my right hand pointing to landscapes of continents and the public road.
not i, not anyone else can travel that road for you,
you must travel it for yourself.
it is not far,
it is within reach,
perhaps you have been on it since you were born and did not know..."

how beautiful is that, just to tell you that you must travel that road,
no one else can do it for you.
it's all you.
when you lose faith in what is, or what you believe,
and wonder which way to go...
maybe what you're looking for...
is you.
and maybe just maybe, it's in you.
not the person, sittin next to you.
just you.
all of those answers...right there...
in you.
am thinkin you're gettin the picture now :) it's you!
i read somewhere recently that if you ask for a lot,
you'll get a lot...
but if you ask only for a little,
you'll only get a little.
maybe in this life of ours we should listen a little more to the things that move us...the things that make our hearts beat faster...the things that make us smile and lose it...the things that just make you wanta dance around the room (i did that today a little, by the way...awesome, it was!)
so, there you go...
life is for the living, my friends...
wild, crazy, and free...
ask for a lot!
check that landscape out and travel that damn road!
it's yours!
put on those good shoes, and start walkin...
hell, maybe you should run! haha!