so, we're a week into the new year,
and i have some confessions to make...
well, not those kind...
really juicy confessions...nah...
so far, 2012, hasn't seen the juicy side of life...at least not for this kid...but hope is always there :)
come on now...you know we all need a lil juicy-ness, it's okay to admit it to yourself...there's no one else around, inside of your head, while you're readin this. hahaha!
anyways, i digress, as usual...
here's what i'm thinkin, while sittin in front of my computer, on a sunday mornin, drinkin my cup o jane, spoonin some lovely oatmeal, and doin laundry. (yeah, pretty exciting stuff, it's true)
a few days ago, i was havin a regular day...
get up in the mornin, make my coffee, check emails, peruse facebook,
and i came across a status of a person i didn't even know,
that said that this person's cousin had died of a heart attack while running...48 years old.
and for some reason, that set the tone for the rest of my day.
mostly because, in the back of this big head of mine,
i'm thinkin, 'i'm 44, i'm 44, i'm 44'...
that day, i worked at the golf course,
and it was a day like any other,
we were slow, so, i had a lot of time to just stand outside,
as thoughts were floating in and out of me...
the day was crisp and the sky was cloudless and blue.
but i carried that status with me,
right into publix...
and yes, this is totally strange to say...but as i was leavin publix i was re-calling all the people i ran into and had conversations with...nothin serious was talked about, but there were smiles and greetings...your general idle chat, while in line or walking through the store. (because as we all know, going to the grocery store is never just going to the grocery store...it's running into every person you haven't seen in 3 years, or the people you see every time you go the store, and only when you go to the store, it's like they cease to exist when they walk out, until you run into them again, at the store! haha!...it's like goin to a local bar...grocery stores have regulars too! haha! there's just no barstools. haha!)
when you go to a store 3 or 4 days a week, you get to know all the cashiers, and i think it's a cool thing.
i find myself going out the way to say hello to the one's i know,
because it seems like they appreciate being asked how they're doing, and how their day is in general.
being that i sort of serve people too,
i know there are days that you don't really want to be serving,
that you'd rather be any other place but there...
i guess as part of humanity or kindness,
i feel as if life would be so much better,
if we could just stop for a second, and look each other in the eyes,
and actually connect, and actually listen, and actually truthfully say how we feel.
doesn't it seem like we're skiddin through sometimes?
from one thing to the other,
without even noticing how we're feeling?
running through life, locked and loaded, both barrels firing.
wow!
it's quite the rush, it seems.
well, to get back to my point...
and there was one, i promise...
i drove home from publix that day,
and was puttin my groceries away,
and it hit me...
as i was lookin out my back window, marveling at the growth, and wondering how these flowers pop up in the middle of winter (gotta love florida),
this is it...
this is life!
you know how sometimes, you're just waiting for that big thing to happen that's gonna change everything? and then you'll change everything?
well...
what if there isn't a big thing?
what if...
everything that's going on right now...is it?
what if...this is it?
this is the life?
the life that's happening this very second!
i mean, it was weird, i have to say, to be standing in front of my sink, and coming to the realization that this may very well be it...the life i lead.
all of these little things that make my day a day...
that is it.
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
no big lottery ticket coming in...
no loud crack...
cannons weren't going off...
just the silence of knowing that whatever i do in my day,
is mine.
and that this was it...my life.
you know those daydreams you have when you're young?
the one's that you become famous, have the life, you score the girl or the guy, and live happily ever after, jet-setting and such...yeah, those kinda dreams, the one's we have to eventually realize, 'uh, yeah, not real.'
which brings me to the confessional part...
yeah...finally :)
i had a kid i was workin with yesterday tell me that i was too nice,
which i quickly explained to him that if he only knew the thoughts in my head, then maybe he wouldn't think that. haha!
so, yeah...
there are days that i randomly lose it, when i drop something, or hit my head...
days that i silently curse my spin or yoga instructor, for holding a position too long, or a song that just keeps goin on and on...
days that i'm not feelin all that humane to the idiot that has pulled out in front of me or is going too slow...
days that i curse myself out for just being me...
days that i fall into the same patterns over and over again.
44...yes...and still saying too much, letting my heart get the best of me, and always falling for the wrong girl or the right one, depending on your perspective...but mine is always always skewed and in la la land, i can't lie.
there are days that any person that walks onto the golf course after 4 o'clock, and i'm closing, i send a curse to their soul, and wish harm upon their bodies. hahahhahaha! yeah, this is what we cart and baggers do, beware of the stink eye, with a smile on our face, welcoming you to the golf course. :) haha!
i'm actually laughin out loud at that one :)
anyways, there are actually way more unkind things i can say about the non-niceness that is within me, but that would take me away from the point of all of this rambling...
point is...
this is it.
this is our life.
we get a choice everyday, really, of how we live it.
our attitude.
our heart.
our kindness.
so what if we're not movie stars,
if we don't have mad bling,
if we're not wearing the latest fashion mag threads.
so what.
it's all really semantics isn't it?
we have a joke, my family and friends and i, about me being the 'mayor' of fernandina (that's my mom's term, mayor), or one of my friends actually calls me felix, joking that everyone knows me...yes, it's funny, we do have a good laugh about it, but that's the point eh? it's kind of a cool feelin to walk in somewhere, and know the peeps that are there and say our hello's and get hugs and high fives...that's all part of the small town deal. rockstars in our own backyard :) cool :)
(and please, don't get me wrong, i'm not saying i'm a rockstar...in the least...but i am sayin what an amazing and awesome feeling it is to walk into a place, and be welcomed and hugged, and yes, even slapped in the butt, here and there)
all of this little stuff that makes our day whole...
that is it.
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, i gotta tell you, this little stuff...
well, sometimes, it can seem quite little,
but,
sometimes, it can seem like all there is to be had.
so, i was thinking that, for me,
even though i live on a slightly, smaller scale than most folks around me,
i was thinkin that there will be days that seem quite large,
unbelievable kinda days...dreamy and shit :)
but i look out my window of my little apartment,
and it seems quite large already.
as i write this i know i may seem all over the place, and maybe it's because i am...
but just because this is it...
that doesn't mean we shouldn't say everything, do everything, and mean everything that we can...
that's exactly why we should!
if this is it...
then hey...
we don't have any time to waste do we?!
nope, we don't.
if we only have this moment...
then geez...live that shit up...
get every ounce you can out of it, i guess, right?
fall for the wrong people...say too much...laugh way too hard...
dance til the wee hours...sit with your friends and family for too long...
drink that extra cup of coffee...toast a tuesday...make out just because you can, and you want to...
get down in warrior 2, and sink it...
stay up to finish that book...
whatever it is...
this is it...
this is what makes our life our life.
and last but not least, i leave you with a lil quote from this completely goofy, philosophy book i've been reading. explaining broad philosophical terms with jokes and such...
but in the section of existentialism, it was goin through the different famous philosophers, one of them being jean-paul sartre, in which he believed, 'existence precedes essence'...
in the words of the authors of the book...
'we are indeterminate, always free to reinvent ourselves.'
god, i like that!
so reinvent yourself...every second, every minute, everyday!
people are always saying, 'i don't make new years resolutions, because i never keep them.'
who cares if you don't keep them!
make 'em anyways!
we fail at something everyday...it's what we do as humans!
fail miserably!
like at the beginning of a yoga class, you set an intention of what you want from it or are trying to get out of it...
better to make an intention than have no intention at all.
so what if you fail.
reinvent around that failure.
live life like, this is it...
because...
this is it.
