you must travel it for yourself...

let's hop right in, shall we?
there's been loads of talk recently between my friends and i about love...
yep...right...huge surprise...haha...
but it's been making me think about a couple things,
that seemingly can only be expressed in the comfort of my little hovel i live in...
in the silence that it brings...
and the solitude that is, my home.
i think the thing that a lot of us forget is that mostly, love is...
unmanageable,
uncontrolable,
wild and insane,
not understandable,
and pretty much, just a big freakin surprise when it hits you!
so, when people come up to you and say this or that,
about what you need to do about your life and love...
the truth of that matter, lies within you...
not them...
never them...
it's all you...
so, get all the opinions that you want...
hear all the criticisms that people have to say...
the advice out the wazoo...
but again...
it's all you.
most people are coming from their own places in that lil part of their lives...
their love...
their loss of it...
their injuries and scars...
their disbelief in what is or isn't.
yes, yes, yes...you will hear plenty of people disuading you from it.
telling you...it's not possible...
but again, here we are...
it's just you.
no one can tell you to not be in love...
because to do that, they must have no idea what it feels like to be there...
or they must also think that it's possible to talk yourself out of how you feel...
nope, not possible.
if that were so...sometimes, as we all know, that would make life a little bit easier on the heart.
but, my friends and family, life is about living...
it's about seeing...
it's about tasting...
it's about touching...
it's about feeling all there is to feel!
whether you get dropped right out of the sky on your head or not,
that is the part that's not easy...
just letting go of all of that shit we hold onto,
thinking we're safe from it all.
we're never safe from it all.
and anyways...geez...
why do we want to be so damn safe?!
and noooooooooooo, i'm not talkin of wearing a helmet while on a motorcycle,
or going the speed limit,
or makin sure to use your blinker...
we're talking about out and out, love, you guys...
love!
or more simply,
just feeling how you're feeling,
and being okay with it,
and expressing it...
because it's all fine and good to know this or that...
but if you always hold it inside,
and you never let it out...
what happens to it,
what happens to you?!
ugh!
yes, it's scary, don't get me wrong...
laying yourself on the line, is more scary than anything...
but...
not laying it out there...
hmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
that may be scarier...if that's even a word!
haha!
i know, i do hear myself talking about this a lot,
and yes, i may be thought to be a fool...
i am a fool...in just about every way, for sure.
but one thing i know and i've learned as i've gotten older,
and grown into this body and soul of mine,
is that you have to say it...you have to put it out there...
and you can't listen to everything people are whispering in your ears
about your love...
you are the only one that feels it, and knows it, and what's it's like to be there.
but you have to be there...
because no one can do that for you.
i'll give you a lil quote action from one of my all time favorite poems,
'song of myself', by walt whitman,
and maybe it explains this life in a simpler way...

"i know i have the best of time and space, and was never
measured and never will be measured.
i tramp a perpetual journey, (come listen all!)
my signs are a rain-proof coat, good shoes, and a staff
cut from the woods,
no friend of mine takes his ease in my chair,
i have no chair, no church, no philosophy,
i lead no man to a dinner-table, library, exchange,
but each man and each woman of you i lead upon a knoll,
my left hand hooking you round the waist,
my right hand pointing to landscapes of continents and the public road.
not i, not anyone else can travel that road for you,
you must travel it for yourself.
it is not far,
it is within reach,
perhaps you have been on it since you were born and did not know..."

how beautiful is that, just to tell you that you must travel that road,
no one else can do it for you.
it's all you.
when you lose faith in what is, or what you believe,
and wonder which way to go...
maybe what you're looking for...
is you.
and maybe just maybe, it's in you.
not the person, sittin next to you.
just you.
all of those answers...right there...
in you.
am thinkin you're gettin the picture now :) it's you!
i read somewhere recently that if you ask for a lot,
you'll get a lot...
but if you ask only for a little,
you'll only get a little.
maybe in this life of ours we should listen a little more to the things that move us...the things that make our hearts beat faster...the things that make us smile and lose it...the things that just make you wanta dance around the room (i did that today a little, by the way...awesome, it was!)
so, there you go...
life is for the living, my friends...
wild, crazy, and free...
ask for a lot!
check that landscape out and travel that damn road!
it's yours!
put on those good shoes, and start walkin...
hell, maybe you should run! haha!

the life that is waiting...

welcome back to my lil blogosphere, my peeps!
as always i have some stories to share with you on this thursday of thursdays.
just fresh home from a sweaty spin class, drinkin my second cup of jane...
you may ask, why do i call it a cup of jane instead of joe?
well, the reasoning would seem to be quite obvious...
one of my favorite drinks in the world...
yep...should be a girl's name...not a boy :) just sayin...
okay, okay...onto the thoughts for the day...
per usual, life is quite full of happenings and crazyness...
who's to say what's good and what's bad?
it's all perception, right?
so, in that scheme of things i will say this...
my life is not completely chock full of crazyness really...
just mostly happenings, i would say.
a little over a week ago, my brother's wife had their second child.
i was lucky enough to be at the hospital when he came into the world...
little emmett leo...
i can't say that we were in the room for it...but we had the door cracked...
and we listened to this great transformation of life.
my mom and i stood there, listening, while julius, their other son, was waiting hopefully to meet his new bro...
at the first sound of his cry...all of our faces broke into smiles, and we scooped julius up and danced around and laughed...
perhaps his face was one of the best things to see, i have to say...
he just smiled and giggled and said his name...'emmmmmmmmetttttt', (in his high pitched lil sweet, soft voice he makes when he's being gentle)
and when we walked into the room to meet the new addition,
we asked julius what he thought of his new brother,
he said, 'i think i love him' and 'i missed you, emmett'
pretty much everyone in the room took a big sigh, hearing that untainted voice of love from a lil 3 year old boy...
it sorta took me back to before julius was born...
the nervous feelin of being unsure how life would turn out for my younger brother and his wife...how they'd make it...being so young...and already, a baby to add to their lives...
the crazy part of it all is when i found out, at first, that they were having julius, how i thought, 'oh, wow, this changes everything'...thinkin my brother's dreams of life would be dashed...
but how wrong i was...
i can't imagine life without that little boy, julius.
he's amazing to me...and hilarious...and full of love, wildness, and happiness.
to think that when i walk into the room, when he's in it...how a smile rips across his face, and he calls out my name and is ready to be thrown all around and given every hug and kiss available.
it goes to show you how amazing life can be, without even knowing that it's happening right there, in front of you!
life is so full of these instances that seem so regular, so simple...
and yet...AMAZING!
i heard a quote yesterday that fits into these thoughts pretty well...
"you must give up the life you had planned in order to have the life that is waiting for you."
these words come from joseph campbell...a mythologist, philosopher, and writer...
the guy that coined the phrase...'follow your bliss'.
so, what i'm thinking is that there are days that we come across things that seem as if they will be obstacles, that will make our lives harder...
something we hadn't planned for...
but then again...
just think about the other side of that...
once we climb that mountain...
walking down the other side of it...thinkin, 'wow, i went this high?'
it takes me back a few years ago, when i went to california to run a half marathon with a couple of my friends...
it was in big sur national park. the beginning was a straight climb, then the middle leveled out, then another really steep climb...
once i made it to the top, the half way point, and went to turn around, to go back down the hills we'd been running up...i looked out to the valley below, and thought to myself, 'holy shit, we came a long way! this is beautiful!'
yeah...
that's kinda how life is sometimes, isn't it?
it's quite full of moments that will blow you away...
the secret is...
you have to pay attention...you have to notice...you have to take your time.
because the things that we don't plan for,
are the things that surprise us the most...
who knows what's waiting for you just around the corner?
all i know is, that whatever it is...
is what it should be...
and that is 'the life that is waiting for you'

grabbing desperately...

"we are people who have lost our peace.
having lost it, we look for it everywhere...
we more than look;
in fact, we grab desperately.
until we remember that our own capacity to love is what we truly seek..."
those words are from marianne williamson...
i run across quotes by her all the time,
and i have to say, they all have such greatness and depth...
and well...love.
which, as you know...i kinda love :)
anyways, i felt like starting out my lil blogosphere with a bit of love today...
and honestly...i kinda like to start off with a lil love everyday...
wherever it may come from...accidentally or on purpose.
last night was friday, and i've been a bit of a hermit this week,
so, i had it in my mind that i was going to get out...
if not for too much, at least for a drink.
so, i went out for a late drink/snack with a good friend, at our local spot, that we always tend to migrate to, because it's comfortable and relaxed...
one of those places that you know the people that work there,
and the usual suspects that go there as well.
anyways, we were sitting there and talking about our day's at work and otherwise,
and, of course, i launch into this story of a grocery store visit that i had had that afternoon...i don't know about you, but there seem to be those days, that people just speak to you...and they tell you of their life and what's going on in it...and yes, these are people you don't know at all, but for some reason, they're talking to you.
so, basically, on this trip of mine...i had this kind of experience...an older woman just began to talk to me as i was getting out of my car to go inside...she was sweet and by herself, and i guess just wanted to tell me that my car was cute, but then launched into why she lived on our island, and that all the reasons she moved there, were moving away...
the thing is...i realize that, when i was sittin in my car, door open, finishin a text to a friend, and i looked up and saw this lil old lady rollin her cart next to my car, i was smilin and said hello, and asked if i was in the way, and that i would take her cart when she was done with it...that's all it took...and there she went...telling me her story.
i guess sometimes that's all it takes is an ivitation by way of a simple hello or smile.
and yes, i know that there are days, that we just don't have time to stand and listen or be patient enough to let someone just talk and say what happens to be mulling around in their heads...they obviously need to spill it, so, maybe it's just something that happens...and sometimes we have to just let it happen.
by the end of my grocery trip...i was checking out and the cashier went on a 10 minute spree of these really terribley sad stories...
i have to admit, it was strange to hear, because i don't know this woman personally, but for some reason, there she was, telling me her stories that were trapped in there somewhere, in her head.
there were 3 people in line behind me, and i felt their eyes boring into me, or maybe more like wondering if this woman was ever going to stop talking...it made me completely nervous, and then made me feel very sorry for the cashier, wondering why in the world she was telling me all of this?
i walked away in a state of sadness at this woman's stories.
an innocent trip to the grocery store,
and there i was contemplating the loneliness of the checkout lady.
geez.
as i was driving away, there was another older woman, walking across the walkway...
very very slow...as i sat there and waited...it took me into this whole state of thought of how she would make it around the store...how would she get her bags into here house...was she completely alone...
needless to say...i cried driving out of the parking lot,
thinking of these women...alone in their thoughts...and in their lives as well.
which brings me full circle to the drink i was having with my friend,
and the stories we were telling each other...
because during all of that,
a few of my other friends walked in,
and stood there for a few minutes,
we all hugged and talked and laughed with each other...
and the thought that rings true to me, during those moments with the people i love and care about...looking into the eyes of these people...and knowing that what each and every one of us is looking for, at the end of the day, is a few human souls that understand us, that hear us, that love us even with all of our frailties and failures, and misguided thoughts and actions...
that right there...they can look into your eyes...and know you...without fail...
and yes, sometimes even without logic :)
because let's face it, there seems to be no logic in love...
they just don't go together most of the time.
which is cool...everything can't make sense in life, right?
a little mystery is good for the soul, i say.
so, let me repeat...
"we are people who have lost our peace.
having lost it, we look for it everywhere...
we more than look; in fact, we grab desperately.
until we remember that our own capacity to love is what we truly seek..."
i'd like to think that as we desperately grab for this peace,
that along the way, we can find some bit of solace in the eyes that we are looking into...whether it be a friend, a family member, a partner, a wife or a husband...
but someone.
george elliot once said..."blessed is the influence of one true, loving human soul to another."
i have to say...i am blessed with an abundance of influence...
and i am lucky.

always becoming...

it's been a few weeks since my last posting,
and the funny thing is that, little ideas and thoughts creep up inside of my head, i hear them and then, more often than not, i forget them. haha!
i guess there's something to be said for writing things down, when they come up.
but nope, not me...i figure i'm gonna remember, if it's important, or a good idea.
like asking for directions or something :)
then when i sit down, i inevitabley can't remember it at all.
so, today i sit here with a hodge podge of ideas and thoughts and stories...
what to do, what to do...
i just walked in from watching the sun come up...one of my favorite things to do...so calming and invigorating...watching the slow rise, and thinking of all the possibilities for the day.
this morning was a lil buggy, so not quite as calming, but the gist of it all is there. i felt sort of like dean griswold from 'vacation'...i saw it, bobbed my head a little, smiled, and walked home.
i recently went to colorado for my nephew's commissioning in the army.
it was sort of a family trip.
sitting in the room with all of these accomplished soldiers that are ready to give their lives for their country kind of puts life in a different perspective.
my day consists of going to work at a golf course, schlepping bags to and fro, taking naps, reading books, working out, and if i'm lucky, hanging out with my friends and family.
i live paycheck to paycheck...wouldn't know what it feels like to have savings.
i can't pretend to understand the thought process of a soldier either...and honestly, guns scare the shit out of me! i don't even like to be in the same room with one, even if it's unloaded...it brings this tension to my body that i can't begin to explain. i guess maybe it's the sheer force and power that it puts in a person's hand that freaks me out.
anyways, the reason i'm telling you these things is that,
i live my life the way i do, not completely thinking about how others are living theirs.
oblivious to the fact that there's this whole section of people in our country, that are, as ani difranco would put it, 'armed to the teeth'...
this brotherhood of leading and following.
watching my older brother, a retired marine, give the oath to my nephew, brought tears to my eyes, and was completely unexpected to have this emotion.
for me, it would most likely be familial pride that brought the tears...
but also just watching these people sacrifice for their country is kind of amazing, i can't lie.
as liberal as i am...not bringing politics into this at all...
and not understanding most of the reasons behind wars or why there are people that are oppressed and why there are people that are dictators or why in the world we all just can't get along...none of that...
i'm just talking about...this unselfish giving of one's self.
body and soul.
to a cause.
it's overwhelming.
who i am is a total bleeding heart, i can't hide that.
i won't make excuses for it. it's who i am.
but i also feel quite lucky to live where i live,
to do what i do,
to say whatever i feel, right out loud,
to love who i love, and not be afraid,
to disagree, and it be okay to do so...
all these things...i feel truly lucky to be right here.
life is full of so many instances where we must stop ourselves and wonder what is going on inside of us.
why are we feeling this or that?
what brings the emotion out of us?
the important thing is to always question it, or more so, look inward,
and see what you see.
after all, we can't be afraid of what's inside of us.
and before we can look at anyone else with an open heart,
we have to be able to know exactly who we are...
every freckle, every wrinkle, and every scar.
of course, in this whole grand scheme of things...we are forever changing and evolving...make no mistake about it though, we are in control of only one thing...who we are or who we choose to be.
no blame can be placed on anyone else.
be that.
but pay attention.
thing is, when i was sitting in that room of people in colorado springs,
it made me feel a bit small...like, hey, i'm gonna fly back to florida, work on a golf course, go to spin and yoga, feed and cloth myself, go boogie boarding...you get the idea...the life of leisure, i have.
i guess that's all part of that circle of things.
and having the freedom to do so is the best thing on earth!
what does the army say?
'be all you can be'
hmmmmmmmmmm...
wherever you are and whatever you are doing...
that might be the idea...
be all you can be...
you just have to figure out what that is...
thus, the search continues...
always becoming...one of my favorite quotes from my yoga teacher.
if you think about it...
it's true...
we are...
always becoming.
if nothing else in this world is true...
you do have a hand in who you are becoming.
that's a huge responsibility!
be.
just you!
always and forever becoming.
question is...
what are you becoming?

i need possible...

samuel beckett once wrote...'ever tried. ever failed. no matter. try again. fail again. fail better.'
that quote has been ringin in my head since i wrote it down in my little notebook.
thing is, my friends...
i like to write these things down,
but the truth of the matter is, i haven't lived those words like i probably should.
so, me writing them, and quoting them to you,
may just be quite hypocritical,
but they still ring true to me.
don't get me wrong though...
yes, i've tried things...
and yes, i've failed frequently and miserabley.
but...
maybe not as often as i should.
they say if you're not failing...you're not trying.
hmmmmmmmmm...
and maybe more closer to the truth is that we should be constantly trying.
not worrying about falling on our faces.
as adults though, it becomes harder and harder to get back up,
and keep moving.
kinda like falling down...in the beginning of our lives...we fall a lot.
we get up a lot, and keep falling...but laugh it off...maybe with some scuffs and scratches, but we just keep going.
somewhere along the way though, when we hit a certain age...
the falls begin to hurt a bit more.
the scars become deeper.
we have a greater memory for them...and then...
we become afraid of the fall...
then comes the worst part...we stop trying.
yes, we remain scuff and scratch free...
but...
where are we then?
i can tell you where...
43 and safe.
not a bandaid on the shelf.
i was just thinking about that as i sat on my beach access steps,
looking out at the ocean.
i question the fact that i write constantly about life, love, and being happy...
but in the same instance...i've not had to go through the things that others have.
my life has been quite amazingly charmed.
my parents are still alive and well.
my brothers are safe and sound.
i'm healthy and live on a beautiful island.
of course i'm happy right?
i've wondered for years what this life is about...why i'm here...what am i here to do...what am i doing?
there have been several things in life that i've wanted to do, and i've done...
but there are also things that i've not tried out of fear.
fear of not being enough.
and then i think...here i am writing about all these things...
what have i got to say?
how can i inspire?
who am i to say anything out loud?
my explanation to that is that i've learned about how important it is to have a voice, and to let people hear it, and decide for themselves.
i've not struggled with much...
yes, your usual struggles that all people go through...
but nothing i couldn't handle.
living life wondering when the other shoe will fall,
and my luck runs out...well, that's no way to live...most definitely not.
i have to believe too, that we all have a reason to be here...
that each and everyone of us can inspire and be inspired.
i have to believe that the words i write can do something.
something good.
in one person's life, if nothing else.
i was explaining the other day to a friend about how nice it is to have community.
to feel like i'm not the only one.
that at the end of the day, we all want the same thing.
gay, straight, bisexual, transgender...whatever we are...
whoever we are...
it's to love and be loved...to have some understanding for each other...
compassion...passion...a sense of worth...a reason...
and the strength and courage to be exactly who you are...and to not be afraid to try and try again, no matter how many times we fail.
everything is relative, and everything is temporary.
there are peaks and valleys always in life.
some seem to last forever...but rest assured, change happens.
thank god.
i keep promising myself each day to try something new.
to not always be comfortable...to say what i have to say.
for such a long period of my life...i had no voice...
i was afraid to speak my mind...to go against the grain.
so easy to just float along the current of life and not swim to an interesting shore thats in the opposite direction.
so easy.
and maybe that's part of my life right now...
learning to just put it out there...
put my words down, hit publish, and not look back.
no regrets, no fear.
each day we must remind ourselves to keep trying...it's got to be a daily event!
sweat a little, be nervous, be scared, fall down, look amazingly stupid...
but do it...and do it well.
fail greatly!
a few hours ago, i went to see the movie, 'soul surfer'...
in it,the main character said to her dad, 'i don't need easy, i need possible'.
possible.
think about it.
possible.
if everything is relative...
then...
what is your possible?
i say to you, in the famous words of shakespeare,
'we know who we are, but know not what we might become.'
dream big, my friends, dream big,
and fail each day.
you never know what will happen when you fall down...
because sometimes when you're getting up,
you have a different view of everything.
what a view it could be!

happiness and what it looks like...

once again, deciding to write to music...
roll with me, guys...
i'm thinkin sometimes we need to add a lil music to our daily lives,
just to make it better.
this mornin, as i was getting ready for work, quite early,
i decided to turn on my pandora station...
which, to be honest, i have several stations...
one that has a huge range of music,
one that is totally techno (that's for you, cass),
another that is a ray lamontagne station (one of my friends, threw it on there),
of course, that one has total slow, love song type music...my favorite, as you should probably know, by reading me at all :)
anyways, i turned to my station this mornin,
and was making my coffee, and doing my usual routine,
but to music...nice.
i found myself in a great mood...enough to be dancing around my kitchen,
smiling, and singing.
perfect way to start the day!
so, here's a thought...
i've been thinking non-stop lately about breathing...
about taking time to notice things...
about paying attention to the small as well as the big.
funny thing is...the simpler it is, the more beautiful it seems to be...
ever notice that?
like basically, the other day, i had the day off, and my usual routine on that kind of day is waking up early, makin a cup of coffee with my lil bialetti, old school stove top espresso maker, warming the milk in this sweet ass bright yellow pot my mom gave me, and while it's brewing, i read a passage from my 'meditation from the mat' book that a good friend let me borrow...
well, on that day, i looked outside, and the sky was so pretty, i decided i'd drink my cup on the beach...
like a little stolen moment of goodness.
only thing is, i ended up not getting to eat something before spin and yoga...
afterwards, i was pretty dead and starved...a couple of my friends gave me a hard time about it...
yeah, not such a great choice, for sure...
but the sit on my beach access steps...i wouldn't give it back.
i have a few rules that i try to go by on my days off, especially.
one of them, is to basically take time for myself, whether it be a few minutes on the beach, a nap, to watch a show, go to the movies, read a book...something.
another is that i usually always prize myself...i find that sometimes, when you do live alone and are single...if i don't do it...no one else will. haha!
so, i take myself to lunch and eat something awesome...maybe with a beer or glass of wine, right by myself, in the middle of the day...that's a prize, for sure! always makes me feel as if i'm on vacation when i have a drink in the middle of the day! haha!
one of the other rules is that there aren't any rules...no time constraints...a schedule on the day off, kinda sucks.
schedule fun!
life is short...
if you don't take the time to do the things you want to do...
nobody else is gonna do it for you.
the happier you are, the happier the people around you are gonna be!
it's sooooooooooo simple!
we have a tendency in life, to complicate everything...even the most simple things.
why?!
insane right?!
and yes, we all have jobs, families, things to do...i get that.
some of us, more than others, definitely.
one of my friends and i have a joke between us, saying our life is a vacation of sorts...really! it is! haha! i'm so lucky, i am, to be living the life that i do!
but hey...think about it...
when was the last time you did something just because you wanted to?
and made no excuse for it to anyone...just did it.
one of the hardest things in life to learn, it seems, is to just be...
to enjoy without reguard, without guilt of what you should be doing, or what others will think because you're just having some fun for yourself.
it's not a sin, i promise :)
and sometimes it's just nice to let go and be whatever you want to be.
at the end of the day...
if you're unhappy...
it's kinda up to you to change that...
we can't wait for some one else to do it for us.
we can share in our happiness with others.
but...it's all on you.
get out there, and enjoy life.
take it for yourself...and breath it in, my friends.
we are surrounded, and i mean completely surrounded by awesomeness!
grab it and run with it!
laugh, sing, dance, spin...whatever it is that you can do to put a smile on your face, and fullfilled feelings in your heart...that's what you should do.
because, hey, let's be honest, you need to be a little selfish with your life.
you have to make your own happiness...
and it's there...
i'm quite sure of it...
you just have to figure out what you want it to look like.
mold it, draw it, weld it, sculpt it...but do it.
when's the perfect time?
hmmmmmmmm...
right now...
just sayin :)

to be proud

originally, when i had thought that i wanted to start a blog,
i thought that i'd like to do one without attaching my name...
so that, basically, i could write anything i wanted to or was feeling,
and not be worried about any waves or ripples that would come afterwards.
just think about it...
to be able to be completely honest,
without really having to own up to it,
or more like...take responsibility for it...
or...
feel guilty about how you truly feel about this or that.
but then when it came to actually putting it together,
i found that it would be really hard to get people to read it,
if they didn't know where it came from.
so, yeah...it was a bit confusing as to what to do,
but then eventually i thought, why not do it, and put my name on it,
and make no excuses for myself.
just put it out there.
you know?
it just seems as if life would be that much easier if we could always just put it out there...right?
hmmmmmmmm...
which brings me to a thought that has bouncing around my noggin the last several days.
it really has to do with pride.
pride of one's self.
pride of family.
pride of friends.
recently i had been without internet for quite awhile...
as you know, i've been blogging from the buck on the island with one of my best friend's computers...oh, the pleasures of free wi-fi :)
anyways, just last week, i have finally lucked into internet once again, at home.
quite nice, but it has also made me fall to the temptations of hulu.
being able to catch up on a lot of the shows i enjoy, has been fantastic,
but also has taken me away from all of the reading i was doing without internet at home. so, a blessing, and a curse, all at the same time. haha!
anyways...although mostly t.v. is just another form of escape (a way to turn your brain off), a few of the shows i watch are dramas, usually full of emotion, love, passion, some laughter (all of my favorite things)...usually good music...for some reason reminded me of family...of love...of proud moments within all of that too.
then i thought about the specific instances that i have been overjoyed and astounded by the people around me.
it made me want to be more specific and say these things out loud.
i grew up in a small town...not a lot going on, most definitely...
but a child hood full of playing, full of fun, full of support, and full of kindness.
this is fully because of my parents, my brothers, my friends, and my friend's parents even.
i don't recall ever having a game that one of my parents wasn't there...cheering me on...from little league right through to playing varsity on whichever sport it was that happened to be going on.
i remember several high school basketball games that ended in victory in the last second, that a crowd of people, coming out of the stands to celebrate...and in that crowd...yep...my parents, rushing the floor.
i could always hear their voices, during the games too.
thinkin back on that makes me smile broadly.
softball games...while at bat...i knew they were there, behind the fence, hoping for a hit...willing our team to win.
in every way and in every step they've been there...
scooting me along.
telling me anything was possible.
telling me how amazing they thought i was or think i am...
even though, in my head, i'm wondering what daughter they must be talking about. never having as much faith in myself that they seem to have.
through college and afterwards, during my different teaching jobs...
always laughing with me at my stories,
and interested in what is going on in my life.
when i came home to tell them i was gay about 12 years ago...
they listened, and they accepted me.
of course, yes, my mom, being the good catholic woman that she is...
felt guilty, as if she made some mistake along the way,
for me to have been gay...
but i sat with her, and explained to her that she did nothing wrong.
that what she did was right with me...it made me finally strong enough,
and trust enough in them, that i could actually be who i was because of who they were to me.
that my life has always been entrusted to them.
it's better because of them.
there were months there, before my past partner and i were having a commitment ceremony, that my mom and i had big discussions about why we felt the need to do it...why was it so important.
we had these conversations, that in my life, i never thought we would be having...so frank, so open, and so honest.
i was so amazed and proud of my mom for coming to understanding and even hoping for love for me.
listening to her on the phone with each of her brothers and sisters,
explaining to them why we were having this big party in the first place.
i could tell she was nervous, but i have never been so proud to watch her grow through it, and understand me more along the way, and how important it is to be who you are...after all, if you can't be who you are with the people you love the most, how will you ever be to everyone else?
yes, it probably is sometimes easier to be who you are to strangers.
i get that.
but to be lucky enough to have a family that knows who you are,
and loves you just the same...
that's pretty freakin amazing, i can't lie!
and no...it's not always tulips and daisies.
we fight too...we disagree...we have a constant conversation about where my life is going and what the hell i'm doing with it, don't get me wrong...
but...
i know too...
that they are there...
and for that, i am soooooooooooooo proud.
so proud to be in this family.
a few years ago...my mom took me on a trip to visit family in d.c.
my second cousin introduced me to some people and we were going out that night...
a night of gay clubs, basically. i was pretty excited :)
they were dropping me off at the house,
and ended up coming in for drinks,
while waiting on the other girls to arrive.
i was a bit nervous,
because there we were, ready for my gay night on the town...
and there was my mom, in the midst of it all...lookin a little uncomfortable.
well, somehow the conversation turned to one of the girls in the room,
that hadn't come out to her family yet...religious and cultural reasons, basically.
from out of nowhere, my mom spoke up, and told her how she thought that she should tell her family...that they really needed to know who she was...how sad she was that i had waited so long to tell her...and not to be afraid.
now that, my friends, that is one unstoppable mother.
right by herself.
nobody asked her to speak up...she just did.
i am her daughter,
and i am so proud of it, i can't even begin to explain to you how great she has made me feel in my life time.
i could go on an on about my family...and friends (maybe it will have to be a two parter)
stories upon stories...of proud moments...
but feel as if maybe my point has been made.
we all have instances that we can look back on and are astounded by in life.
if those people are within shouting distance from you.
you should definitely let them know what they've done for you.
because a lot of times,
they may not even realize how fantastically they've changed your life,
or have made it better.
too little in our lives do we take the time to just give it...give love.
so much easier to complain or bitch or wine.
nah...
get that thought out of your head.
there is a shift that happens in life when you begin to notice all the good thats happening around you...and you begin to appreciate it...and yes, even saying what you need to say...'walkin like a one man army'...john mayer is right.
you have to put it out there.
as my man e.e. cummings would say...
'be of love
a little more careful
than of anything'
if you have love for anyone...
take care of it.
nurture it.
say what you love about them.
make them smile.
do whatever you have to do to show them these things.
don't leave it for another day.
each moment is a chance to do something right.
be proud.
live.
love.
now.