'the meet up'

soooooooooooo, this is my 43rd posting...
and being i'm 43, i was thinkin, well, maybe it should be something...
extraordinary! haha!
but after much thought, and back and forth on what it should be about...
i think i'm gonna go with a laugh...
instead of my usual sap...
that, i must say, is kinda just me,
but...
being laughter, sometimes is the best medicine...
maybe i'll just truck it on that way, and see how it goes.
before i relay this story of my life,
let me just say that i will give no names, in order to keep the people in the story, safe from harm, laughter, and perhaps ridicule :)
as to not harm the innocent, right? haha!
in the last few months, a friend of mine's mom,
has been talking non-stop that i should meet this girl she knows...
that she's way cute, in shape, long blonde hair...the whole nine yards.
anyways, she's been talkin her up quite a bit,
whenever she comes to visit and we're sharing mojitos on the porch...
because, lets face it...mojitos on a breezy porch...yep...pretty much the best!
so, a couple weeks ago, i'm at work, and i get a text from my friend saying,
'my mom's in town, want to grab a drink with said cute blonde girl?'
well, i think to myself...okay...i guess this is what we single people do...
we meet people...so, i say yes, as long as you're there too.
we set the date and the next day rolls around, as they usually do...
my friend and i hop in her car, and proceed to the meet up place.
as we're rollin up in the parking lot, she tells me, 'well, i really don't know this person that well, it's mostly my mom's idea...we should make a signal to each other, just in case this doesn't go well'...
i, of course, am all for the signal thought.
and here we go...
we walk into the back porch area, as it is a really nice breezy afternoon on the beach, huge waves, surfers surfing, people ordering up cold beverages...
it couldn't have been a more perfect scene for a late afternoon meet cute.
we walk up to the table and if the first few minutes was any sign of what was about to come along, i maybe should have started running then. haha!
but...as they say...sometimes you just have to be patient, and give a person a chance to reveal themselves to you...as i figure out later in this 'blind date' scenario...maybe the revealing kinda thing...mmmmmmmmm...not such a great idea.
and yes, that will be explained later as well.
so, anyways, there we were, being introduced...
she had sunglasses on, where i couldn't see her eyes, in the least,
and she gave me a point with her finger, and a 'nice to meetcha' kinda handshake...
then said we all needed a drink, as she raised her arm and shouted for the bartender, at the top of her lungs...
at that point, i kinda already knew i was in for an interesting evening.
after the first 10 minutes, i get up to go to the restroom,
or more like, escape to the restroom,
and as i'm coming out,
there she is...walking towards me...
she says to me, 'hey, come to the bathroom with me'...
and i say to her, 'you know, that's okay, i just went, i'm gonna head back to the table, i'm okay'...
but she says, 'no, no, no, come with me...then we can talk'
and to that i'm say, 'no really, i'm okay...i'll just go back to the table'
but to no avail...she keeps saying the same thing, and finally, i just go with it...
we walk into the restroom, and she proceeds to walk into the stall, without closing it, i'm guessing thinkin i would follow her in, so, i lean forward and close it for her, and stand in the bathroom, as she asks me questions about myself.
such as...'are you bi-polar?', 'how old are you?', 'how old do you think i am?', 'is my age going to be a problem for you?'
yep...all very interesting conversation, i must say. haha!
so, we finally are done with that...and as we're walking back to the table, my friends are walking towards me, and she asks what they're doing, and they say that they were actually coming to check on me. hahahhaha! she's perplexed at why this is...but the night keeps going.
at a certain point, i see out of the corner of my eye, my friend's mom, asking her if she wants to trade places and sit next to me...(argh, nooooooooooo)
next thing i know, she's right there, laying her leg against me,
and every few minutes or so, reaching over and massaging my knee, and lookin over at me with a love-lorn type look...zoiks, i want to cry out for help! haha!
and by that point, the signal has not worked...
drinks are being drunk, and it just keeps getting better.
without my knowledge, help was sent for by the way of text to my ex and her girlfriend, that miraculously show up and a few other people as well.
by now, the table is jam packed and i'm trying desperately, to not even look over at the 'not so cute blonde girl'...as to not give her anymore reason to touch me or think i was walking out of that bar with her...next thing i know she's having a big conversation with my ex, and hitting on her, whilst her girlfriend is standing right next to her...yep...a winner, i say! haha!
to cap off the entire evening with no less than 10 peeps, sitting at the table,
she pulls up her shirt and shows her bare breasts to the table...(and not for just a flash second, but more like a good 20 seconds, of just standing there with her shirt up)
fortunately, for me, i was sitting next to her, and did not even look her way,
i saw enough out of the corner of my eye...
and by way of everyone else's faces at the table,
i was completely mortified and amazed, all at the same time.
i will say though, that the looks and the silence at the table,
were the most hilarious site to be seen and heard! hahahahha!
with a packed bar...it seemed like crickets were chirping for those few seconds, just at our table alone! hahahhaha!
to end it all...
she sort of just disappeared into the woodwork, stumbling away, and not saying goodbye...
which, to be totally honest, i was not sad for that adeiu at all.
and even better...
the rest of the night was quite fun and full of laughter...
dancing, talking, and embibing til the lights came on, and we were shoo-ed away by the barbacks.
re-living it the next day was quite a hoot, and as i've told the story several times to my friends...we've all had a great laugh...perhaps, a bit at my expense, but laughter, just the same.
which, as we know...it's good to have a good laugh...even if it is about yourself, and your so-called dating life. haha!
and it also goes to show you...
sometimes, when you think it sucks to be alone...
the night that i had is a good reminder that i'm okay just the way i am.
and perhaps, even more so, everything comes in its own time.
that was definitely not my time. haha!
it was a time, that's for sure though! and hey, we all have had those, here and there.
i guess the key is to not take things at second or third hand,
just as good ole walt whitman would say...
"you shall listen to all sides and filter them from your self."
tis true...no one can tell you the answers or whats best for you, better than you.
'song of myself', baby cakes, 'song of myself'.
you gotta just trust that what's inside of you is gonna get you there...
and then you'll know.
who knew all of that could come from the worst 'meet up' ever! haha!
goes to show you...you can learn something from everything :)
even from loud talking, knee massaging, bathroom jabbering, boob showing, dates...
yep...we can pull some good from even the worst of nights.
live and learn.
and above all...laugh.

dig deep

let me start off like this...
well, actually, let's just say that life is full of surprises, right?
i mean, think about it,
every corner we seem to turn,
there's something there that we had no idea that we were going to see.
the other day i had a few early mornin hiccups to start my day.
first i was just getting ready for work...
and low and behold, my goofy toilet had decided not to flush...
i thought, 'well, okay, just get ready for work, and i'll worry about it later',
then i get to work,
and we have to do this battery watering thing on our 80 carts...
yeah, not a big deal, but to start off, this new little tool we do it with,
was fighting with me...by, basically, spurting water all over my shorts,
and even a few times, straight in my face. haha!
at that moment though, i was bit frustrated, being it was 6:30 in the mornin,
and i was not quite ready for the fight of the day.
because let's just admit right now,
that somedays are just that...
a fight.
everything we do, every person we come in contact with, every situation...
is just a fight.
at a certain point, between the takin of deep breaths to keep myself in check,
my partner i was working with walked inside the pro-shop,
and i was left, sitting quietly in my cart, looking down at my running shoes...
when suddenly i noticed this writing on the lil plastic parts that cover the end of the shoe strings...one said 'dig' and the other said 'deep'.
i was struck by the depth of those words, right there in that moment.
dig deep! wow!
it took me on this whole thought of my life,
and of the lives of the people around me.
how on somedays, relatively speaking,
we have to dig deep within ourselves to just make it.
to not explode at the slightest of things.
to not just give up, and go the wrong way.
it reminded me too, of how easy my life is...and how lucky i am.
and yes, even the luckiest people have moments that digging deep is imperative.
we all have to do it at some point or another, right?
no one gets to escape from it, really.
there are just different degrees of digging that we must do.
and the digging deep can also be brought to the table of being new...
of having the mind and attitude of a beginner.
i've heard this a few times lately...in different ways.
basically meaning that when we're new at something...
there's an excuse for mistakes,
we can look idiotic or goofy,
we can laugh at ourselves,
and it's okay.
but once we become good at something or experts...then there's less of an acceptance for errors...we're less likely to go out on a limb, and jumble some shit up.
we begin to think, 'i can't do that, i'll look stupid'.
we become too serious about ourselves.
we forget to laugh it off.
that's where the breath comes in...and that's what i've been learning about in yoga, and through reading different books on mindfulness and meditation.
learning that taking a deep breath in, can cleanse you and calm you, all at the same time.
today, i went to a yoga class, that honestly, i was thinking was one thing, and it turned out to be something totally different.
when i first walked in, i thought, 'what in the hell is this?'...
i was the only one for the first few minutes,
and i was feeling quite a bit, self conscious and gangly.
but then in my head i thought to myself, 'okay, honey, just go with it, and see what happens.'
turns out...it was kind of an interesting way to go about yoga.
i ended up having to really listen to the cues that the instructor was giving,
and the set up for it, also put the different poses into a new light for me.
it was slower and more mindful and there was a lot of focus on breathing.
i walked away from that class being pleasantly surprised by an alternate perspective of the yoga i usually go to.
because, honestly, when i first had realised that i was going to be doing something different, i was not really happy...i wanted my regular class...i wanted to be at home in that...but...nope...
there i was, on this circular mat, with this pod thing in the middle, and me wondering...'geesh, i'm glad this will only be an hour' and 'should i make a run for it?'
but i didn't...i stayed...
probably too, because i didn't want to hurt the lady's feelings that was teaching it, as pissy as i felt that it wasn't my usual class.
we humans and change...why is it so hard?
i don't know.
but i gotta tell ya...i'm glad i stayed.
which brings me back to the whole thought of 'dig deep'.
yes, none of the things i've talked about today are huge reasons to dig deep...
but as you know, very well...
life is full of moments and chances and reasons to do it...
to just dig deep.
to find something within us to pull us through, whatever we're going through.
big problems, small problems.
new things, old things.
i think one of the secrets is that sometimes, maybe,
looking at things like we're beginners,
and listening and paying attention to the cues of life,
well...maybe it could be the way to go.
embarassingly so, at 43, i've decided recently,
to start boogie boarding...
yes, it is funny...and my friends usually have a good laugh about it.
believe me :)
but the honest thing about that is...
i really love it.
the freedom of gliding across the water on the sole power of a wave...
i kid you not...it's a really cool feeling.
i find that every time, i go to stand up at the end of a ride...
i'm smiling, as i'm wiping my eyes clear of the salty water.
it's a refreshing and wonderful feeling to have, i gotta tell ya.
point being...
why not do something out of our box...
out of our realm of seriousness...
something you might want to do that may make others laugh that you're doing it.
who cares?! really?! who cares?!
as we get older, and become these experts...we can't forget that feeling of being a beginner...of digging deep...of working through all of those mistakes and failures...and building something within ourselves that's beautiful and amazing.
we all have it somewhere in there, in our hearts, that sometimes, we forget to use, even if it is beating strongly for us...we forget to listen to it.
and for some reason, we don't trust it.
we forget that each day is a day that we have to dig deep.
to live and to be.
i leave you with this...
if on any given day, you're feelin as if you're not going to make it or that you're not enough or you don't have the skill for this or that...
think this...'i am large; i contain multitudes'
yep...walt whitman happened to know some stuff, it's true.
the truth is in that quote, completely...
you may have to look hard...
but it's there...
you're there...
multitudes, my friends, multitudes.
so,
be the beginner, always...
and,
dig as deep as you can.
you may surprise yourself.
geez, for that matter,
you may surprise everyone around you.
wouldn't that be a treat?

you must travel it for yourself...

let's hop right in, shall we?
there's been loads of talk recently between my friends and i about love...
yep...right...huge surprise...haha...
but it's been making me think about a couple things,
that seemingly can only be expressed in the comfort of my little hovel i live in...
in the silence that it brings...
and the solitude that is, my home.
i think the thing that a lot of us forget is that mostly, love is...
unmanageable,
uncontrolable,
wild and insane,
not understandable,
and pretty much, just a big freakin surprise when it hits you!
so, when people come up to you and say this or that,
about what you need to do about your life and love...
the truth of that matter, lies within you...
not them...
never them...
it's all you...
so, get all the opinions that you want...
hear all the criticisms that people have to say...
the advice out the wazoo...
but again...
it's all you.
most people are coming from their own places in that lil part of their lives...
their love...
their loss of it...
their injuries and scars...
their disbelief in what is or isn't.
yes, yes, yes...you will hear plenty of people disuading you from it.
telling you...it's not possible...
but again, here we are...
it's just you.
no one can tell you to not be in love...
because to do that, they must have no idea what it feels like to be there...
or they must also think that it's possible to talk yourself out of how you feel...
nope, not possible.
if that were so...sometimes, as we all know, that would make life a little bit easier on the heart.
but, my friends and family, life is about living...
it's about seeing...
it's about tasting...
it's about touching...
it's about feeling all there is to feel!
whether you get dropped right out of the sky on your head or not,
that is the part that's not easy...
just letting go of all of that shit we hold onto,
thinking we're safe from it all.
we're never safe from it all.
and anyways...geez...
why do we want to be so damn safe?!
and noooooooooooo, i'm not talkin of wearing a helmet while on a motorcycle,
or going the speed limit,
or makin sure to use your blinker...
we're talking about out and out, love, you guys...
love!
or more simply,
just feeling how you're feeling,
and being okay with it,
and expressing it...
because it's all fine and good to know this or that...
but if you always hold it inside,
and you never let it out...
what happens to it,
what happens to you?!
ugh!
yes, it's scary, don't get me wrong...
laying yourself on the line, is more scary than anything...
but...
not laying it out there...
hmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
that may be scarier...if that's even a word!
haha!
i know, i do hear myself talking about this a lot,
and yes, i may be thought to be a fool...
i am a fool...in just about every way, for sure.
but one thing i know and i've learned as i've gotten older,
and grown into this body and soul of mine,
is that you have to say it...you have to put it out there...
and you can't listen to everything people are whispering in your ears
about your love...
you are the only one that feels it, and knows it, and what's it's like to be there.
but you have to be there...
because no one can do that for you.
i'll give you a lil quote action from one of my all time favorite poems,
'song of myself', by walt whitman,
and maybe it explains this life in a simpler way...

"i know i have the best of time and space, and was never
measured and never will be measured.
i tramp a perpetual journey, (come listen all!)
my signs are a rain-proof coat, good shoes, and a staff
cut from the woods,
no friend of mine takes his ease in my chair,
i have no chair, no church, no philosophy,
i lead no man to a dinner-table, library, exchange,
but each man and each woman of you i lead upon a knoll,
my left hand hooking you round the waist,
my right hand pointing to landscapes of continents and the public road.
not i, not anyone else can travel that road for you,
you must travel it for yourself.
it is not far,
it is within reach,
perhaps you have been on it since you were born and did not know..."

how beautiful is that, just to tell you that you must travel that road,
no one else can do it for you.
it's all you.
when you lose faith in what is, or what you believe,
and wonder which way to go...
maybe what you're looking for...
is you.
and maybe just maybe, it's in you.
not the person, sittin next to you.
just you.
all of those answers...right there...
in you.
am thinkin you're gettin the picture now :) it's you!
i read somewhere recently that if you ask for a lot,
you'll get a lot...
but if you ask only for a little,
you'll only get a little.
maybe in this life of ours we should listen a little more to the things that move us...the things that make our hearts beat faster...the things that make us smile and lose it...the things that just make you wanta dance around the room (i did that today a little, by the way...awesome, it was!)
so, there you go...
life is for the living, my friends...
wild, crazy, and free...
ask for a lot!
check that landscape out and travel that damn road!
it's yours!
put on those good shoes, and start walkin...
hell, maybe you should run! haha!

the life that is waiting...

welcome back to my lil blogosphere, my peeps!
as always i have some stories to share with you on this thursday of thursdays.
just fresh home from a sweaty spin class, drinkin my second cup of jane...
you may ask, why do i call it a cup of jane instead of joe?
well, the reasoning would seem to be quite obvious...
one of my favorite drinks in the world...
yep...should be a girl's name...not a boy :) just sayin...
okay, okay...onto the thoughts for the day...
per usual, life is quite full of happenings and crazyness...
who's to say what's good and what's bad?
it's all perception, right?
so, in that scheme of things i will say this...
my life is not completely chock full of crazyness really...
just mostly happenings, i would say.
a little over a week ago, my brother's wife had their second child.
i was lucky enough to be at the hospital when he came into the world...
little emmett leo...
i can't say that we were in the room for it...but we had the door cracked...
and we listened to this great transformation of life.
my mom and i stood there, listening, while julius, their other son, was waiting hopefully to meet his new bro...
at the first sound of his cry...all of our faces broke into smiles, and we scooped julius up and danced around and laughed...
perhaps his face was one of the best things to see, i have to say...
he just smiled and giggled and said his name...'emmmmmmmmetttttt', (in his high pitched lil sweet, soft voice he makes when he's being gentle)
and when we walked into the room to meet the new addition,
we asked julius what he thought of his new brother,
he said, 'i think i love him' and 'i missed you, emmett'
pretty much everyone in the room took a big sigh, hearing that untainted voice of love from a lil 3 year old boy...
it sorta took me back to before julius was born...
the nervous feelin of being unsure how life would turn out for my younger brother and his wife...how they'd make it...being so young...and already, a baby to add to their lives...
the crazy part of it all is when i found out, at first, that they were having julius, how i thought, 'oh, wow, this changes everything'...thinkin my brother's dreams of life would be dashed...
but how wrong i was...
i can't imagine life without that little boy, julius.
he's amazing to me...and hilarious...and full of love, wildness, and happiness.
to think that when i walk into the room, when he's in it...how a smile rips across his face, and he calls out my name and is ready to be thrown all around and given every hug and kiss available.
it goes to show you how amazing life can be, without even knowing that it's happening right there, in front of you!
life is so full of these instances that seem so regular, so simple...
and yet...AMAZING!
i heard a quote yesterday that fits into these thoughts pretty well...
"you must give up the life you had planned in order to have the life that is waiting for you."
these words come from joseph campbell...a mythologist, philosopher, and writer...
the guy that coined the phrase...'follow your bliss'.
so, what i'm thinking is that there are days that we come across things that seem as if they will be obstacles, that will make our lives harder...
something we hadn't planned for...
but then again...
just think about the other side of that...
once we climb that mountain...
walking down the other side of it...thinkin, 'wow, i went this high?'
it takes me back a few years ago, when i went to california to run a half marathon with a couple of my friends...
it was in big sur national park. the beginning was a straight climb, then the middle leveled out, then another really steep climb...
once i made it to the top, the half way point, and went to turn around, to go back down the hills we'd been running up...i looked out to the valley below, and thought to myself, 'holy shit, we came a long way! this is beautiful!'
yeah...
that's kinda how life is sometimes, isn't it?
it's quite full of moments that will blow you away...
the secret is...
you have to pay attention...you have to notice...you have to take your time.
because the things that we don't plan for,
are the things that surprise us the most...
who knows what's waiting for you just around the corner?
all i know is, that whatever it is...
is what it should be...
and that is 'the life that is waiting for you'

grabbing desperately...

"we are people who have lost our peace.
having lost it, we look for it everywhere...
we more than look;
in fact, we grab desperately.
until we remember that our own capacity to love is what we truly seek..."
those words are from marianne williamson...
i run across quotes by her all the time,
and i have to say, they all have such greatness and depth...
and well...love.
which, as you know...i kinda love :)
anyways, i felt like starting out my lil blogosphere with a bit of love today...
and honestly...i kinda like to start off with a lil love everyday...
wherever it may come from...accidentally or on purpose.
last night was friday, and i've been a bit of a hermit this week,
so, i had it in my mind that i was going to get out...
if not for too much, at least for a drink.
so, i went out for a late drink/snack with a good friend, at our local spot, that we always tend to migrate to, because it's comfortable and relaxed...
one of those places that you know the people that work there,
and the usual suspects that go there as well.
anyways, we were sitting there and talking about our day's at work and otherwise,
and, of course, i launch into this story of a grocery store visit that i had had that afternoon...i don't know about you, but there seem to be those days, that people just speak to you...and they tell you of their life and what's going on in it...and yes, these are people you don't know at all, but for some reason, they're talking to you.
so, basically, on this trip of mine...i had this kind of experience...an older woman just began to talk to me as i was getting out of my car to go inside...she was sweet and by herself, and i guess just wanted to tell me that my car was cute, but then launched into why she lived on our island, and that all the reasons she moved there, were moving away...
the thing is...i realize that, when i was sittin in my car, door open, finishin a text to a friend, and i looked up and saw this lil old lady rollin her cart next to my car, i was smilin and said hello, and asked if i was in the way, and that i would take her cart when she was done with it...that's all it took...and there she went...telling me her story.
i guess sometimes that's all it takes is an ivitation by way of a simple hello or smile.
and yes, i know that there are days, that we just don't have time to stand and listen or be patient enough to let someone just talk and say what happens to be mulling around in their heads...they obviously need to spill it, so, maybe it's just something that happens...and sometimes we have to just let it happen.
by the end of my grocery trip...i was checking out and the cashier went on a 10 minute spree of these really terribley sad stories...
i have to admit, it was strange to hear, because i don't know this woman personally, but for some reason, there she was, telling me her stories that were trapped in there somewhere, in her head.
there were 3 people in line behind me, and i felt their eyes boring into me, or maybe more like wondering if this woman was ever going to stop talking...it made me completely nervous, and then made me feel very sorry for the cashier, wondering why in the world she was telling me all of this?
i walked away in a state of sadness at this woman's stories.
an innocent trip to the grocery store,
and there i was contemplating the loneliness of the checkout lady.
geez.
as i was driving away, there was another older woman, walking across the walkway...
very very slow...as i sat there and waited...it took me into this whole state of thought of how she would make it around the store...how would she get her bags into here house...was she completely alone...
needless to say...i cried driving out of the parking lot,
thinking of these women...alone in their thoughts...and in their lives as well.
which brings me full circle to the drink i was having with my friend,
and the stories we were telling each other...
because during all of that,
a few of my other friends walked in,
and stood there for a few minutes,
we all hugged and talked and laughed with each other...
and the thought that rings true to me, during those moments with the people i love and care about...looking into the eyes of these people...and knowing that what each and every one of us is looking for, at the end of the day, is a few human souls that understand us, that hear us, that love us even with all of our frailties and failures, and misguided thoughts and actions...
that right there...they can look into your eyes...and know you...without fail...
and yes, sometimes even without logic :)
because let's face it, there seems to be no logic in love...
they just don't go together most of the time.
which is cool...everything can't make sense in life, right?
a little mystery is good for the soul, i say.
so, let me repeat...
"we are people who have lost our peace.
having lost it, we look for it everywhere...
we more than look; in fact, we grab desperately.
until we remember that our own capacity to love is what we truly seek..."
i'd like to think that as we desperately grab for this peace,
that along the way, we can find some bit of solace in the eyes that we are looking into...whether it be a friend, a family member, a partner, a wife or a husband...
but someone.
george elliot once said..."blessed is the influence of one true, loving human soul to another."
i have to say...i am blessed with an abundance of influence...
and i am lucky.

always becoming...

it's been a few weeks since my last posting,
and the funny thing is that, little ideas and thoughts creep up inside of my head, i hear them and then, more often than not, i forget them. haha!
i guess there's something to be said for writing things down, when they come up.
but nope, not me...i figure i'm gonna remember, if it's important, or a good idea.
like asking for directions or something :)
then when i sit down, i inevitabley can't remember it at all.
so, today i sit here with a hodge podge of ideas and thoughts and stories...
what to do, what to do...
i just walked in from watching the sun come up...one of my favorite things to do...so calming and invigorating...watching the slow rise, and thinking of all the possibilities for the day.
this morning was a lil buggy, so not quite as calming, but the gist of it all is there. i felt sort of like dean griswold from 'vacation'...i saw it, bobbed my head a little, smiled, and walked home.
i recently went to colorado for my nephew's commissioning in the army.
it was sort of a family trip.
sitting in the room with all of these accomplished soldiers that are ready to give their lives for their country kind of puts life in a different perspective.
my day consists of going to work at a golf course, schlepping bags to and fro, taking naps, reading books, working out, and if i'm lucky, hanging out with my friends and family.
i live paycheck to paycheck...wouldn't know what it feels like to have savings.
i can't pretend to understand the thought process of a soldier either...and honestly, guns scare the shit out of me! i don't even like to be in the same room with one, even if it's unloaded...it brings this tension to my body that i can't begin to explain. i guess maybe it's the sheer force and power that it puts in a person's hand that freaks me out.
anyways, the reason i'm telling you these things is that,
i live my life the way i do, not completely thinking about how others are living theirs.
oblivious to the fact that there's this whole section of people in our country, that are, as ani difranco would put it, 'armed to the teeth'...
this brotherhood of leading and following.
watching my older brother, a retired marine, give the oath to my nephew, brought tears to my eyes, and was completely unexpected to have this emotion.
for me, it would most likely be familial pride that brought the tears...
but also just watching these people sacrifice for their country is kind of amazing, i can't lie.
as liberal as i am...not bringing politics into this at all...
and not understanding most of the reasons behind wars or why there are people that are oppressed and why there are people that are dictators or why in the world we all just can't get along...none of that...
i'm just talking about...this unselfish giving of one's self.
body and soul.
to a cause.
it's overwhelming.
who i am is a total bleeding heart, i can't hide that.
i won't make excuses for it. it's who i am.
but i also feel quite lucky to live where i live,
to do what i do,
to say whatever i feel, right out loud,
to love who i love, and not be afraid,
to disagree, and it be okay to do so...
all these things...i feel truly lucky to be right here.
life is full of so many instances where we must stop ourselves and wonder what is going on inside of us.
why are we feeling this or that?
what brings the emotion out of us?
the important thing is to always question it, or more so, look inward,
and see what you see.
after all, we can't be afraid of what's inside of us.
and before we can look at anyone else with an open heart,
we have to be able to know exactly who we are...
every freckle, every wrinkle, and every scar.
of course, in this whole grand scheme of things...we are forever changing and evolving...make no mistake about it though, we are in control of only one thing...who we are or who we choose to be.
no blame can be placed on anyone else.
be that.
but pay attention.
thing is, when i was sitting in that room of people in colorado springs,
it made me feel a bit small...like, hey, i'm gonna fly back to florida, work on a golf course, go to spin and yoga, feed and cloth myself, go boogie boarding...you get the idea...the life of leisure, i have.
i guess that's all part of that circle of things.
and having the freedom to do so is the best thing on earth!
what does the army say?
'be all you can be'
hmmmmmmmmmm...
wherever you are and whatever you are doing...
that might be the idea...
be all you can be...
you just have to figure out what that is...
thus, the search continues...
always becoming...one of my favorite quotes from my yoga teacher.
if you think about it...
it's true...
we are...
always becoming.
if nothing else in this world is true...
you do have a hand in who you are becoming.
that's a huge responsibility!
be.
just you!
always and forever becoming.
question is...
what are you becoming?

i need possible...

samuel beckett once wrote...'ever tried. ever failed. no matter. try again. fail again. fail better.'
that quote has been ringin in my head since i wrote it down in my little notebook.
thing is, my friends...
i like to write these things down,
but the truth of the matter is, i haven't lived those words like i probably should.
so, me writing them, and quoting them to you,
may just be quite hypocritical,
but they still ring true to me.
don't get me wrong though...
yes, i've tried things...
and yes, i've failed frequently and miserabley.
but...
maybe not as often as i should.
they say if you're not failing...you're not trying.
hmmmmmmmmm...
and maybe more closer to the truth is that we should be constantly trying.
not worrying about falling on our faces.
as adults though, it becomes harder and harder to get back up,
and keep moving.
kinda like falling down...in the beginning of our lives...we fall a lot.
we get up a lot, and keep falling...but laugh it off...maybe with some scuffs and scratches, but we just keep going.
somewhere along the way though, when we hit a certain age...
the falls begin to hurt a bit more.
the scars become deeper.
we have a greater memory for them...and then...
we become afraid of the fall...
then comes the worst part...we stop trying.
yes, we remain scuff and scratch free...
but...
where are we then?
i can tell you where...
43 and safe.
not a bandaid on the shelf.
i was just thinking about that as i sat on my beach access steps,
looking out at the ocean.
i question the fact that i write constantly about life, love, and being happy...
but in the same instance...i've not had to go through the things that others have.
my life has been quite amazingly charmed.
my parents are still alive and well.
my brothers are safe and sound.
i'm healthy and live on a beautiful island.
of course i'm happy right?
i've wondered for years what this life is about...why i'm here...what am i here to do...what am i doing?
there have been several things in life that i've wanted to do, and i've done...
but there are also things that i've not tried out of fear.
fear of not being enough.
and then i think...here i am writing about all these things...
what have i got to say?
how can i inspire?
who am i to say anything out loud?
my explanation to that is that i've learned about how important it is to have a voice, and to let people hear it, and decide for themselves.
i've not struggled with much...
yes, your usual struggles that all people go through...
but nothing i couldn't handle.
living life wondering when the other shoe will fall,
and my luck runs out...well, that's no way to live...most definitely not.
i have to believe too, that we all have a reason to be here...
that each and everyone of us can inspire and be inspired.
i have to believe that the words i write can do something.
something good.
in one person's life, if nothing else.
i was explaining the other day to a friend about how nice it is to have community.
to feel like i'm not the only one.
that at the end of the day, we all want the same thing.
gay, straight, bisexual, transgender...whatever we are...
whoever we are...
it's to love and be loved...to have some understanding for each other...
compassion...passion...a sense of worth...a reason...
and the strength and courage to be exactly who you are...and to not be afraid to try and try again, no matter how many times we fail.
everything is relative, and everything is temporary.
there are peaks and valleys always in life.
some seem to last forever...but rest assured, change happens.
thank god.
i keep promising myself each day to try something new.
to not always be comfortable...to say what i have to say.
for such a long period of my life...i had no voice...
i was afraid to speak my mind...to go against the grain.
so easy to just float along the current of life and not swim to an interesting shore thats in the opposite direction.
so easy.
and maybe that's part of my life right now...
learning to just put it out there...
put my words down, hit publish, and not look back.
no regrets, no fear.
each day we must remind ourselves to keep trying...it's got to be a daily event!
sweat a little, be nervous, be scared, fall down, look amazingly stupid...
but do it...and do it well.
fail greatly!
a few hours ago, i went to see the movie, 'soul surfer'...
in it,the main character said to her dad, 'i don't need easy, i need possible'.
possible.
think about it.
possible.
if everything is relative...
then...
what is your possible?
i say to you, in the famous words of shakespeare,
'we know who we are, but know not what we might become.'
dream big, my friends, dream big,
and fail each day.
you never know what will happen when you fall down...
because sometimes when you're getting up,
you have a different view of everything.
what a view it could be!