well, it's been a perfect sunday...
i was off...
and i did absolutely nothing.
which gave me much time to look back on the last few days of another crazy georgia florida weekend, here, in fernandina beach.
always full of people...always quite memorable in some way, shape, or form.
most definitely :)
at the end of one of these kinds of weekends too,
it's easy to look back and think...'oh, my god, i drank too much, ate too much, screamed a bit, and stayed up way too late!'
but...
in the same breath, it's also one of those times that you have to remind yourself to live it and have a good time while you can...while it's here.
after all, the next georgia florida game isn't until next year.
right?
right.
funny thing is, i'm a fan of neither...i'm an fsu girl, that happens to always cheer for whomever is playin the gators.
but i'm a huge fan of being with people i care about,
people i can have some laughs with,
people that you look forward to breaking bread with,
people that you can tell your ridiculous stories to,
and laugh so hard that there's this funny squeal of breath trying to come out of you.
all of those things...
hey, you need to grab 'em and roll with it.
this really goes for just about anything.
it's quite easy to think to ourselves...'hmmmmmmm, i'll stay in, there'll be other times to do this or that.'
and yes, we should listen to our inner voice when we're tired or just not feeling it,
but there are also those times that we have to make a lil more of an effort to live, to laugh, to love, and honestly, just to have one hell of a time.
because don't people always say, at the end of your life, will you be angry at yourself that you shoulda taken a longer nap or you shoulda worked longer hours, or tried to make so much more money?
noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
life, my friends...
life...
must be lived.
must be loved.
must be jumped into feet first...or is it head first?!
i don't know.
but how bout this...
there's always so much freakin time to be serious,
to do serious business types of things,
to take ourselves way too seriously.
geeeeeeeeeeeesh!
i know as for me...
i always look back at a night that i've laughed insanely with my friends, as a night well lived...a night i can look back on, and still laugh about.
now that...that's a good night.
there can't be enough of those.
nights that at the end of them, your knees are hurting like they have rust in them from dancing so hard...that when a friend walks up to you to give you a hug, you worry that you're way too sweaty from dancing, to be getting a hug...but you hug anyways, and you laugh and say it's good to see each other.
you hear things that make no sense, and you think to yourself...'what in the world is this person talking about?'...but you can't even hear yourself think because the music is so loud.
the next day you wake up, and your voice sounds like it's been dragged across the hot pavement...and in some way, it seems pretty damn sexy.
yeah...
those kinda nights.
there are those days afterwards that i sit and feel guilty that i did all of these things...after all, i am 43.
but then when i think about the people i did them with...
well, then...
then it all makes sense.
i was talkin to some friends this mornin while we were eating breakfast together, and the subject came up about the fact that as we get older, we are more apt to decide quite simply that we do not have time to waste on being around people that we don't want to be around.
that our lives and our time seems to be getting more and more precious, and we feel that it is important to choose wisely how we spend it, and who we spend it with.
now yes, this may seem a lil brash or too honest...
but think about it.
haven't we all been in situations where we're at a party or out with people and we look around and think...'why am i here?' or 'i don't really want to talk to any of these people' or 'man, i don't have anythin in common we these yahoos.'
but for some reason we stay and then the next day someone asks you if you had a good night the night before, and all you can think to say was that it was weird or that you just weren't feelin it or that it was just okay.
yeah...it happens.
more often than not.
those are the nights that we have to give up the ghost and go home...watch some hulu, listen to some tunes, or read a book.
but those nights,
those nights
that you're with your peeps...
the people that get you...
that laugh...that make you feel like home...
that you can say whatever it is that you need to say and feel safe saying it,
those nights that you look into the crowd and your entertained by everything around you...
now that, that, my friends, that's the kinda night, that you just stay out...
that you just pay for your sins the next day.
that when you talk about it, you find yourself shakin your head back and forth in the middle of the story. hahahahaha!
those are the kinda nights that remind you that you're alive.
still.
and that you still have some fight left in you to do all of the other things you have to deal with in this crazy life that's going on all around us.
yes, it's easy to get taken away by all of the bad that happens in this world...
the madness and mayhem can easily sweep you away.
it's those friends and that family that can bring it all to a halt,
and give you grand reason to smile, to laugh, to dance, and to love,
and to some days take it just a little less seriously.
i know, i know, as you read this, you may be thinking, 'obviously, honey, you probably should go out less, and get more serious about your 401k'...
haha!
and yeah, you're most likely right.
but...
and this is a big but...
we're all different aren't we?
i've desperately wished i was one of those kinds of people.
business savvy, money minded, career oriented...all of that sounds awesome! really, it does!
but...i've also realized...
it's just not me.
i'll leave that to other people.
maybe i'm here to laugh, to love, to dance, to write, to be a good friend, to spin, to yoga, to shoot hoops, to cook, to listen to awesome music, to run trails, to make other people laugh...
ohhhhhhhh, i don't know...i'm still tryin to figure all of that out.
i have been on a constant search since high school to figure all of this out, and there are times, when someone i have just met, asks me what i do, that i'm embarassed or feel a bit like less of an outstanding individual because i don't do something that provides benefits or that i make minimum wage plus tips...
yes...for those few minutes that i first meet people...i'm very aware that i'm not on the upper end of the food chain of careers...
but i hope too, that once we talk longer,
that none of that will matter.
and to the good people,
the people i want to spend my time with,
it won't matter.
it won't matter at all.
i always joke about the fact that everything that i like to do, i can't make money at...it's a fact of life.
and it's my life.
and it's a good one.
so, on this sunday of georgia florida weekend...
my voice is hoarse, i've been using a heating pad on my lower back from too much spin, too much yoga, too much dancin, and too much bag slingin. i've taken my glucosamine chondroitin with msm, i ate a mack daddy breakfast, cooked by people i love, and was just delivered an apple cream cheese poundcake by the best neighbor i could ask for.
benefits...
yep...i think i have benefits.
they may not be traditional benefits...
but i surely do have them.
i'm imagining, if you look around...you probably have 'em too.
and what i can say to that is...
stay up too late.
laugh too loud.
sometimes, not all the time, drink too much.
dance til you can't stand it any longer.
talk to the people you love til you're blue in the face.
watch the sun come up.
look at the moon at 3 in the mornin, when you're getting home and smile.
remember these times, my friends.
those are the benefits of life.
the good stuff.
what it's all about.
and, as a lot of people seem to be saying lately...
'that is all' :)
go dawgs.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Thursday, October 20, 2011
first chilly day...
wow...so, i realized just recently that it's been over a month since i've written...
i don't know where the time goes sometimes!
each week i kept thinkin, 'man, i need to write something...'
but then the days turned into weeks and then a whole month went by!
whew!
almost a month and a half, really!
so, here i am...
back at it...
thinkin maybe, oh, i don't know, i'll just put something out there.
i think maybe too, that i have been busying myself with life so much that i forget that i should sit down and record some thoughts and feelings about what's going on around me.
because as we all know...there's always something goin on.
loads and loads of things everyday,
even if it seems like the most usual blah kinda day,
you can be rest assured, that somewhere, something is going on.
maybe even without notice...
kinda like the crazy bushes and grass in my back yard...
they've grown up like wildfire, all over the place,
and it looks like a jungle out there...i usually avert my eyes as to not remind myself that something needs to be done with that wildness. haha!
i weed the front porch area because once i'm done, it looks so much prettier and neat and clean (and it makes me feel accomplished when i do it, if for no other reason)...but all it takes is a week to go by, and those wacky weeds are all over the place again! holy cow!
stuff that we don't want is always poppin up all over the place!
which maybe brings me to a thought for the day...
just maybe :)
at the change of seasons and in different times in our lives,
we go through a period of cleaning out or clearing out.
things that we've been looking at for days, weeks, months, years...
we all of a sudden decide, 'okay, it's time, you're outta here'.
be it spring cleaning,
chopping off our hair,
shaving, (my favorite. haha!)
cutting the grass,
clearing out friends we don't talk to anymore on facebook,
breaking up with partners, spouses, and friends.
all of these things are part of how we clear up and move on.
it's kinda crazy how sometimes we just need the momentum of a good book, a movie, a song, or even the first chilly day of fall, to inspire us to do the things that we know we need to in order for our lives to be better, to be cleaner, to be more beautiful to look at and live in.
thing is...
it's kinda like pruning a plant...
cutting off the old dead parts, in order for it to grow stronger,
in order for it to grow with renewed energy,
with renewed fullness.
because in time, it all does grow back.
and sometimes in the wildest of ways, that we hadn't even imagined.
but that's the cool part about life...
it's so unexpected and out of our control!
we are in control our of actions...and no one else's.
so, it's up to us each and everyday,
to make an effort to renew and revive and re-fill.
to clear out and clean up.
we must always keep watch over what we do and what's growing around us...
because the weeds and dead stuff that cling to us,
have to be cut back, pruned, and thrown out,
in order to keep growing...up and out.
it's a daily process, this life.
taking it all in, and deciding what to keep,
what we can learn from,
what brings us down,
what picks us up,
and what holds us back.
decisions, decisions, eh?
i will leave you with this poem by hafiz,
a friend of mine sent me long ago, (it's on my wall in my kitchen)
when i was having difficulties in my days...
and please excuse me, if i've already posted this one
on a previous blog...my memory sometimes fails me...
but there is some good that can come out of reading things over and over again...we can pick up things hadn't seen before.
like watching a movie a few times, and realizing you hadn't caught this or that from the first or second time watching...
great words are sometimes best read several times over,
and in different times in our lives, we may understand them better or in a different way.
"we have not come to take prisoners"
we have not come here to take prisoners,
but to surrender ever more deeply
to freedom and joy.
we have not come into this exquisite world
to hold ourselves hostage from love.
run my dear,
from anything
that may not strengthen
your precious budding wings.
run like hell my dear,
from anyone likely
to put a sharp knife
into the sacred, tender vision
of your beautiful heart.
we have a duty to befriend
those aspects of obedience
that stand oustide of our house
and shout to our reason
'o please, o please,
come out and play.'
for we have not come here to take prisoners
or to confine our wondrous spirits,
but to experience ever and ever more deeply
our divine courage, freedom and
light!
~hafiz~
i think that maybe sometimes in our lives we just have to take stock, check things out, and see what's growing rampantly that maybe we didn't even notice about ourselves.
things that maybe all we really need to do is grab a set of clippers and prune away.
the other side to that coin is that what grows from it could be the best thing ever! maybe what you've been looking for and waiting for all along.
it's easy to miss sometimes, because there's lots of weeds that have pretty flowers attached to them, and it's hard to differentiate between the two.
that only means we just have to pay closer attention.
after all...
this life is ours for the taking.
why not take it and live it?
for '...we have not come here to take prisoners,
but to experience ever and ever more deeply
our divine courage, freedom,
and light!'
rock on, my friends,
and prune away!
i don't know where the time goes sometimes!
each week i kept thinkin, 'man, i need to write something...'
but then the days turned into weeks and then a whole month went by!
whew!
almost a month and a half, really!
so, here i am...
back at it...
thinkin maybe, oh, i don't know, i'll just put something out there.
i think maybe too, that i have been busying myself with life so much that i forget that i should sit down and record some thoughts and feelings about what's going on around me.
because as we all know...there's always something goin on.
loads and loads of things everyday,
even if it seems like the most usual blah kinda day,
you can be rest assured, that somewhere, something is going on.
maybe even without notice...
kinda like the crazy bushes and grass in my back yard...
they've grown up like wildfire, all over the place,
and it looks like a jungle out there...i usually avert my eyes as to not remind myself that something needs to be done with that wildness. haha!
i weed the front porch area because once i'm done, it looks so much prettier and neat and clean (and it makes me feel accomplished when i do it, if for no other reason)...but all it takes is a week to go by, and those wacky weeds are all over the place again! holy cow!
stuff that we don't want is always poppin up all over the place!
which maybe brings me to a thought for the day...
just maybe :)
at the change of seasons and in different times in our lives,
we go through a period of cleaning out or clearing out.
things that we've been looking at for days, weeks, months, years...
we all of a sudden decide, 'okay, it's time, you're outta here'.
be it spring cleaning,
chopping off our hair,
shaving, (my favorite. haha!)
cutting the grass,
clearing out friends we don't talk to anymore on facebook,
breaking up with partners, spouses, and friends.
all of these things are part of how we clear up and move on.
it's kinda crazy how sometimes we just need the momentum of a good book, a movie, a song, or even the first chilly day of fall, to inspire us to do the things that we know we need to in order for our lives to be better, to be cleaner, to be more beautiful to look at and live in.
thing is...
it's kinda like pruning a plant...
cutting off the old dead parts, in order for it to grow stronger,
in order for it to grow with renewed energy,
with renewed fullness.
because in time, it all does grow back.
and sometimes in the wildest of ways, that we hadn't even imagined.
but that's the cool part about life...
it's so unexpected and out of our control!
we are in control our of actions...and no one else's.
so, it's up to us each and everyday,
to make an effort to renew and revive and re-fill.
to clear out and clean up.
we must always keep watch over what we do and what's growing around us...
because the weeds and dead stuff that cling to us,
have to be cut back, pruned, and thrown out,
in order to keep growing...up and out.
it's a daily process, this life.
taking it all in, and deciding what to keep,
what we can learn from,
what brings us down,
what picks us up,
and what holds us back.
decisions, decisions, eh?
i will leave you with this poem by hafiz,
a friend of mine sent me long ago, (it's on my wall in my kitchen)
when i was having difficulties in my days...
and please excuse me, if i've already posted this one
on a previous blog...my memory sometimes fails me...
but there is some good that can come out of reading things over and over again...we can pick up things hadn't seen before.
like watching a movie a few times, and realizing you hadn't caught this or that from the first or second time watching...
great words are sometimes best read several times over,
and in different times in our lives, we may understand them better or in a different way.
"we have not come to take prisoners"
we have not come here to take prisoners,
but to surrender ever more deeply
to freedom and joy.
we have not come into this exquisite world
to hold ourselves hostage from love.
run my dear,
from anything
that may not strengthen
your precious budding wings.
run like hell my dear,
from anyone likely
to put a sharp knife
into the sacred, tender vision
of your beautiful heart.
we have a duty to befriend
those aspects of obedience
that stand oustide of our house
and shout to our reason
'o please, o please,
come out and play.'
for we have not come here to take prisoners
or to confine our wondrous spirits,
but to experience ever and ever more deeply
our divine courage, freedom and
light!
~hafiz~
i think that maybe sometimes in our lives we just have to take stock, check things out, and see what's growing rampantly that maybe we didn't even notice about ourselves.
things that maybe all we really need to do is grab a set of clippers and prune away.
the other side to that coin is that what grows from it could be the best thing ever! maybe what you've been looking for and waiting for all along.
it's easy to miss sometimes, because there's lots of weeds that have pretty flowers attached to them, and it's hard to differentiate between the two.
that only means we just have to pay closer attention.
after all...
this life is ours for the taking.
why not take it and live it?
for '...we have not come here to take prisoners,
but to experience ever and ever more deeply
our divine courage, freedom,
and light!'
rock on, my friends,
and prune away!
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
it takes all kinds...
so, here we are again...
back on the page.
i've been havin some thoughts this week about the way we are.
you know how sometimes it seems that when you're with certain people, you're one person, and then with others, you're another?
kinda like that.
and sometimes, i guess too...i think i give myself a bit of a hard time about being who i am, in certain instances.
i think i've talked about that before.
being our own worst critic.
i guess there are points in life that we all just do that.
whether we are comparing ourselves to others, or just having one of those days that we wonder what the heck is going on inside our heads.
each time lately, when i begin to have a negative thought of myself, i try to remind myself that it's not that bad...
and after all, it could always be worse, right? right.
which brings me to my thought...
the world needs all kinds of people.
this is one of the things i try and remind myself of, when i think , 'honey, what are you doing?' or 'why did you just say that?'
the funny part of life is that it takes so long to get to a point that you begin to even understand who you are, why you do things, and what makes you react.
there have definitely been some times lately that i wonder to myself...'okay, i'm 43, i've been through this before, why exactly am i making these same choices, if i already know what the outcome will be?'
i have no freakin idea! i really don't!
it's completely idiotic, but there i am, doing the same thing over again.
i have decided that for no other reason than just hoping for it to be different, is why i do it. yeah...stupid...surely.
but that damn word, hope...geesh.
dreamers.
i am a dreamer.
it's ridiculous, the amount of dreaming i do.
the stories that go on in my head about what will be.
you can't even imagine.
and the hope that i have in my heart and soul...i can't even explain.
because one would think...
after you learn your lesson a few times...
there would be no dreaming...there would just be reality.
reality sets in and i gotta tell ya...it's not pretty.
but somewhere, somewhere deep inside,
that little ray of hope begins to fire up all over again.
how is it even possible for our hearts to go through the things it goes through, day in and day out, and it's still able to beat?
the amazing strength of the human heart.
it honestly knows no bounds...none!
and in all reality...
in my strange little heart...i kinda believe anything is possible.
i know it sounds ridiculous to say out loud,
but after reading story after story of the amazingness of life,
i have to say, maybe i just dream it to be true.
that anything is possible.
there are dreamers and realists.
lovers and haters.
cynics and idealists.
extroverts and introverts.
but the one thing that seems to link us all together is the need for all of them...and the need for humanity.
i found myself in an online sort of argument the other day with a total stranger...the subject area being women in sports.
and after about the 3rd reply, you start to realize that both sides of the argument that people begin to have with each other, are true, at that very moment, to the person that is arguing.
they're believing whatever it is that they're stating...
enough to keep the argument up, it seems.
for a long time in my life...i didn't have a voice...i was afraid to say anything out loud that put me on one side of the fence or the other...afraid to rock the boat or state my opinion.
always worried that i would look stupid or get all bumble-headed and the wrong words would come out of my mouth (as they do, still, when i begin to have a discussion with anyone, because i get nervous and lose my cool)...nothing comes out right then (and my heart is beating like a drum)...and then later, i always think of what i should have said.
but that makes no difference, in the end.
what makes a difference is having an opinion...and yes, even saying it out loud...just because.
you don't have to argue.
but i think it's good to break out of the habit of keeping it to yourself.
i find that there are certain things that make my heart beat, just a lil bit faster, when they are brought up in conversation.
and i know myself well enough to know, what they are.
i'm pretty sure, if you sit back and think about it...
there are certain subjects that just get you going.
you wouldn't be human, if you didn't have those things.
but that's the thing...
that's the cool thing about life!
it's great to be passionate.
the world needs passionate people...people that stand up.
people that say what they think.
yes, sometimes, it's not what you want to hear at all.
and sometimes, it can take you down a few notches.
what we have to remember is who we are.
that each and every one of us, has guiding principles.
we may not have them written down anywhere...but they're there.
we walk around with 'em everyday, and they're not the same as everyone elses, and that's okay.
maybe this is all still part of 'this i believe',
but the further i get into that book that i'm reading,
the more i know that life is so full of just about everything.
in yoga all the the time,
the different instructors are always saying...
'don't believe the lies you tell yourself'
it may sound funny.
i know for me, i lie to myself quite a bit.
believing this or that...saying i'm going to do something, that i know i won't do...thinkin total bullshit about what i'm dreamin about.
or just thinking i can't do something...can't is some kinda shitty word.
that is definitely the point that realism is important.
what happens when we can't face the truth of life?
we keep lying to ourselves.
and it just keeps building until you don't really know what's happening at all.
every once in awhile, i'm reminded of this...
and then i start over again.
you know what they say, when there is an end, there is always a beginning.
for myself, i think...yes, i'll just keep dreaming.
it's what i do.
it is who i am.
we need all kinds of people.
it may be hard to stand up, at times, but i figure, if i don't stand up, who will stand up for me?
life is full of chances for us to figure out who we are, what we want to fight for, who we ache to be, who we want to be with, and where we want to go.
i'm still tryin to figure it all out...who isn't, i guess?
i guess if we can just be true to ourselves,
that could solve part of the battle all together.
no fences, no walls, no armour.
just you.
that could be a good start.
and here i go...beginning again.
i know one thing, for sure...
i can't be anyone but me...no matter what anyone says or thinks about me.
it's something i struggle with less and less, as i get older...
but i still manage to be too hard on myself about being me.
maybe a lil reminder to all of us...
we're all sort of perfect in our own lil imperfect ways.
whatever it is.
roll it out there, and believe in what you do or say.
be the truth.
it's all you got.
just go from there.
it's a good start.
back on the page.
i've been havin some thoughts this week about the way we are.
you know how sometimes it seems that when you're with certain people, you're one person, and then with others, you're another?
kinda like that.
and sometimes, i guess too...i think i give myself a bit of a hard time about being who i am, in certain instances.
i think i've talked about that before.
being our own worst critic.
i guess there are points in life that we all just do that.
whether we are comparing ourselves to others, or just having one of those days that we wonder what the heck is going on inside our heads.
each time lately, when i begin to have a negative thought of myself, i try to remind myself that it's not that bad...
and after all, it could always be worse, right? right.
which brings me to my thought...
the world needs all kinds of people.
this is one of the things i try and remind myself of, when i think , 'honey, what are you doing?' or 'why did you just say that?'
the funny part of life is that it takes so long to get to a point that you begin to even understand who you are, why you do things, and what makes you react.
there have definitely been some times lately that i wonder to myself...'okay, i'm 43, i've been through this before, why exactly am i making these same choices, if i already know what the outcome will be?'
i have no freakin idea! i really don't!
it's completely idiotic, but there i am, doing the same thing over again.
i have decided that for no other reason than just hoping for it to be different, is why i do it. yeah...stupid...surely.
but that damn word, hope...geesh.
dreamers.
i am a dreamer.
it's ridiculous, the amount of dreaming i do.
the stories that go on in my head about what will be.
you can't even imagine.
and the hope that i have in my heart and soul...i can't even explain.
because one would think...
after you learn your lesson a few times...
there would be no dreaming...there would just be reality.
reality sets in and i gotta tell ya...it's not pretty.
but somewhere, somewhere deep inside,
that little ray of hope begins to fire up all over again.
how is it even possible for our hearts to go through the things it goes through, day in and day out, and it's still able to beat?
the amazing strength of the human heart.
it honestly knows no bounds...none!
and in all reality...
in my strange little heart...i kinda believe anything is possible.
i know it sounds ridiculous to say out loud,
but after reading story after story of the amazingness of life,
i have to say, maybe i just dream it to be true.
that anything is possible.
there are dreamers and realists.
lovers and haters.
cynics and idealists.
extroverts and introverts.
but the one thing that seems to link us all together is the need for all of them...and the need for humanity.
i found myself in an online sort of argument the other day with a total stranger...the subject area being women in sports.
and after about the 3rd reply, you start to realize that both sides of the argument that people begin to have with each other, are true, at that very moment, to the person that is arguing.
they're believing whatever it is that they're stating...
enough to keep the argument up, it seems.
for a long time in my life...i didn't have a voice...i was afraid to say anything out loud that put me on one side of the fence or the other...afraid to rock the boat or state my opinion.
always worried that i would look stupid or get all bumble-headed and the wrong words would come out of my mouth (as they do, still, when i begin to have a discussion with anyone, because i get nervous and lose my cool)...nothing comes out right then (and my heart is beating like a drum)...and then later, i always think of what i should have said.
but that makes no difference, in the end.
what makes a difference is having an opinion...and yes, even saying it out loud...just because.
you don't have to argue.
but i think it's good to break out of the habit of keeping it to yourself.
i find that there are certain things that make my heart beat, just a lil bit faster, when they are brought up in conversation.
and i know myself well enough to know, what they are.
i'm pretty sure, if you sit back and think about it...
there are certain subjects that just get you going.
you wouldn't be human, if you didn't have those things.
but that's the thing...
that's the cool thing about life!
it's great to be passionate.
the world needs passionate people...people that stand up.
people that say what they think.
yes, sometimes, it's not what you want to hear at all.
and sometimes, it can take you down a few notches.
what we have to remember is who we are.
that each and every one of us, has guiding principles.
we may not have them written down anywhere...but they're there.
we walk around with 'em everyday, and they're not the same as everyone elses, and that's okay.
maybe this is all still part of 'this i believe',
but the further i get into that book that i'm reading,
the more i know that life is so full of just about everything.
in yoga all the the time,
the different instructors are always saying...
'don't believe the lies you tell yourself'
it may sound funny.
i know for me, i lie to myself quite a bit.
believing this or that...saying i'm going to do something, that i know i won't do...thinkin total bullshit about what i'm dreamin about.
or just thinking i can't do something...can't is some kinda shitty word.
that is definitely the point that realism is important.
what happens when we can't face the truth of life?
we keep lying to ourselves.
and it just keeps building until you don't really know what's happening at all.
every once in awhile, i'm reminded of this...
and then i start over again.
you know what they say, when there is an end, there is always a beginning.
for myself, i think...yes, i'll just keep dreaming.
it's what i do.
it is who i am.
we need all kinds of people.
it may be hard to stand up, at times, but i figure, if i don't stand up, who will stand up for me?
life is full of chances for us to figure out who we are, what we want to fight for, who we ache to be, who we want to be with, and where we want to go.
i'm still tryin to figure it all out...who isn't, i guess?
i guess if we can just be true to ourselves,
that could solve part of the battle all together.
no fences, no walls, no armour.
just you.
that could be a good start.
and here i go...beginning again.
i know one thing, for sure...
i can't be anyone but me...no matter what anyone says or thinks about me.
it's something i struggle with less and less, as i get older...
but i still manage to be too hard on myself about being me.
maybe a lil reminder to all of us...
we're all sort of perfect in our own lil imperfect ways.
whatever it is.
roll it out there, and believe in what you do or say.
be the truth.
it's all you got.
just go from there.
it's a good start.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
'this i believe'
i'll start by sayin this...
i've recently started reading a book called, 'this i believe'...
it's amazing and full of truly inspirational stuff.
it's basically a book of essays written by famous people of the last 50 years, and also some not so famous people mixed in the bunch.
the essays are about what these people believe in...
their core feelings about life, that take them through each day.
this has made me sort of think about my beliefs and how i feel about certain aspects of life that are easier sometimes not to think about.
it's made me think that if i were to write an essay like this...
what would i write?
think about it...what would you write?
how would it start?
what would be the hook?
the guiding principles of your life...wow!
i mean, seriously...that's something you really have to sit down and put some thought into.
some of it though, maybe isn't nearly that hard to know or to relay to others.
by the way we live.
by our example.
the way we walk through our life...or run.
the way we talk.
our actions.
our interactions with others, whether it be family, friends, or complete strangers.
our compassion and passion.
so many things that could be the center of what we believe! geesh!
if you have been reading my latest posts,
you will know that this summer i've spent quite a bit of time, out in the ocean, trying to learn how to catch a wave...
and just a few days ago, my dad bought a longboard off of a surfer guy, and now it is sittin on my back porch, waitin to get dipped into the ocean.
it will happen soon...and i am completely nervous, scared, and excited, all at the same time.
which brings me to a couple thoughts about 'this i believe'.
each mornin i have been reading a couple of the essays, as to not fly through the book, but sort of savor each lil essay, like it was a morsel of the most delicious plate of food, ever.
i think some books are meant to go slow and some devoured.
anyways, for the last week and a half, i've been telling my friends of this really crazy awesome feeling i've been having.
like i'm walking on air.
like nothin can bring me down.
i break out into a smile for no good reason.
i can't really explain it, but it's just there.
it all started on a day that i came home from spin class,
and as i was driving home, i thought to myself,
'i have two hours til work, instead of just hangin in my apartment, i think i'll run down to the beach and catch some waves.'
and i did.
it was a really cloudy day, and i could see a storm brewing in the distance,
and pretty much as soon as i got into the water,
it began raining.
i was the only one out there.
the waves were flowing in kinda perfectly.
not too big, but not too small.
just right.
for a good hour, i caught wave after wave, during the downpour,
and on occasion, i found myself just smiling, laughing, and i even howled
a few times, after trimming off to the left or right.
i ended up catching the best wave so far of the summer...
and i was the only one to see it.
it felt like slow motion...it was a perfect feeling.
at the end of it, i was pushed so strongly to the sand,
i didn't even realized i'd gotten scratched up a lil bit, getting thrown off my board. i just stood up, and laughed and screamed, 'woooohoooooo!'
i walked home afterwards with a huge grin on my face...
when i went to work, i told my story to the young man i was working with, and we both just laughed and talked excitedly about how great life was in that very moment,
which turned into a whole other conversation.
standing there, this young guy, i only met a year ago, because of work, began to tell me what he thought of me...
and i have to be honest...i don't think i've ever heard anything as kind and as sweet as the words that came out of his mouth.
so, there i was, out in the heat of the day, with this young guy, half my age, and all i could do was look down at my running shoes and cry.
since that day, i've felt differently about a lot of things.
i've carried this happiness in my heart that's made me feel so incredible.
trying to explain it, makes no sense really.
and why try, anyways?
when i run into people, and they ask me how i'm doing...
i can't think of anything else to say, but 'i'm amazing',
'life is great', 'i couldn't be better', and the list goes on and on.
i think sometimes the thing we have to remember in our lives,
is that happiness comes and goes...
it's like a visitor.
instead of trying to figure out why or how or how long will it stay...
i think maybe we should just enjoy it.
and when someone asks you how you're doing...tell them.
spread happiness.
which brings me back to 'this i believe'.
this mornin i read one by oscar hammerstein...you know rogers and hammerstein. yep. the big time.
anyways, this is a lil snippet from what he wrote...
"i have an unusual statement to make. i am a man who believes he is happy. what makes it unusual is that a man who is happy seldom tells anyone. the unhappy man is more communicative. he is eager to recite what is wrong with the world, and he seems to have a talent for gathering a large audience. it is a modern tragedy that despair has so many spokesmen, and hope so few."
my thought is this...
yes...there are tons and tons of things that we could complain about.
yell about.
argue about.
be pissed about.
but there's also a whole hell of a lot of things to be crazily happy about.
to shout out to the mountain tops about.
to dance around about.
maybe they're small things...
but a lot of small things put together, can equal up to a pretty darned good life.
i, honey deacon, believe these things...
i believe in showing your heart.
i believe in the power of words.
i believe that if you love someone, you tell them and show them everyday.
i believe in not going to bed, mad.
i believe in saying 'i'm sorry'.
i believe in standing up and speaking up.
i believe in playing til there's no play left in you.
i believe in the joy of laughter.
i believe in the kindness of strangers.
i believe that good friends can make your life that much better.
i believe in wrap around hugs.
i believe in the sublime lovelyness of a prize. (giving them)
i believe in the equality of all people.
i believe that happiness does not come from the stuff you have, but by how you live, and how you treat others.
and yes,
i could go on for quite awhile, it seems...
but...
i'll just stop there.
think about it...these are our guiding principles of how we live.
not to be taken lightly...but not to be so serious that we forget to just smile, laugh uncontrolabley, and maybe do a lil fist pump, hands in the air and everything :)
so, the next time someone asks you how you're doing, and you're feeling absolutely unstoppable...by all means...tell them...just like that!
people need to hear that good stuff.
a lil HFD terminology...'fo sho fo sho!' haha!
question is now...
what do you believe?
i've recently started reading a book called, 'this i believe'...
it's amazing and full of truly inspirational stuff.
it's basically a book of essays written by famous people of the last 50 years, and also some not so famous people mixed in the bunch.
the essays are about what these people believe in...
their core feelings about life, that take them through each day.
this has made me sort of think about my beliefs and how i feel about certain aspects of life that are easier sometimes not to think about.
it's made me think that if i were to write an essay like this...
what would i write?
think about it...what would you write?
how would it start?
what would be the hook?
the guiding principles of your life...wow!
i mean, seriously...that's something you really have to sit down and put some thought into.
some of it though, maybe isn't nearly that hard to know or to relay to others.
by the way we live.
by our example.
the way we walk through our life...or run.
the way we talk.
our actions.
our interactions with others, whether it be family, friends, or complete strangers.
our compassion and passion.
so many things that could be the center of what we believe! geesh!
if you have been reading my latest posts,
you will know that this summer i've spent quite a bit of time, out in the ocean, trying to learn how to catch a wave...
and just a few days ago, my dad bought a longboard off of a surfer guy, and now it is sittin on my back porch, waitin to get dipped into the ocean.
it will happen soon...and i am completely nervous, scared, and excited, all at the same time.
which brings me to a couple thoughts about 'this i believe'.
each mornin i have been reading a couple of the essays, as to not fly through the book, but sort of savor each lil essay, like it was a morsel of the most delicious plate of food, ever.
i think some books are meant to go slow and some devoured.
anyways, for the last week and a half, i've been telling my friends of this really crazy awesome feeling i've been having.
like i'm walking on air.
like nothin can bring me down.
i break out into a smile for no good reason.
i can't really explain it, but it's just there.
it all started on a day that i came home from spin class,
and as i was driving home, i thought to myself,
'i have two hours til work, instead of just hangin in my apartment, i think i'll run down to the beach and catch some waves.'
and i did.
it was a really cloudy day, and i could see a storm brewing in the distance,
and pretty much as soon as i got into the water,
it began raining.
i was the only one out there.
the waves were flowing in kinda perfectly.
not too big, but not too small.
just right.
for a good hour, i caught wave after wave, during the downpour,
and on occasion, i found myself just smiling, laughing, and i even howled
a few times, after trimming off to the left or right.
i ended up catching the best wave so far of the summer...
and i was the only one to see it.
it felt like slow motion...it was a perfect feeling.
at the end of it, i was pushed so strongly to the sand,
i didn't even realized i'd gotten scratched up a lil bit, getting thrown off my board. i just stood up, and laughed and screamed, 'woooohoooooo!'
i walked home afterwards with a huge grin on my face...
when i went to work, i told my story to the young man i was working with, and we both just laughed and talked excitedly about how great life was in that very moment,
which turned into a whole other conversation.
standing there, this young guy, i only met a year ago, because of work, began to tell me what he thought of me...
and i have to be honest...i don't think i've ever heard anything as kind and as sweet as the words that came out of his mouth.
so, there i was, out in the heat of the day, with this young guy, half my age, and all i could do was look down at my running shoes and cry.
since that day, i've felt differently about a lot of things.
i've carried this happiness in my heart that's made me feel so incredible.
trying to explain it, makes no sense really.
and why try, anyways?
when i run into people, and they ask me how i'm doing...
i can't think of anything else to say, but 'i'm amazing',
'life is great', 'i couldn't be better', and the list goes on and on.
i think sometimes the thing we have to remember in our lives,
is that happiness comes and goes...
it's like a visitor.
instead of trying to figure out why or how or how long will it stay...
i think maybe we should just enjoy it.
and when someone asks you how you're doing...tell them.
spread happiness.
which brings me back to 'this i believe'.
this mornin i read one by oscar hammerstein...you know rogers and hammerstein. yep. the big time.
anyways, this is a lil snippet from what he wrote...
"i have an unusual statement to make. i am a man who believes he is happy. what makes it unusual is that a man who is happy seldom tells anyone. the unhappy man is more communicative. he is eager to recite what is wrong with the world, and he seems to have a talent for gathering a large audience. it is a modern tragedy that despair has so many spokesmen, and hope so few."
my thought is this...
yes...there are tons and tons of things that we could complain about.
yell about.
argue about.
be pissed about.
but there's also a whole hell of a lot of things to be crazily happy about.
to shout out to the mountain tops about.
to dance around about.
maybe they're small things...
but a lot of small things put together, can equal up to a pretty darned good life.
i, honey deacon, believe these things...
i believe in showing your heart.
i believe in the power of words.
i believe that if you love someone, you tell them and show them everyday.
i believe in not going to bed, mad.
i believe in saying 'i'm sorry'.
i believe in standing up and speaking up.
i believe in playing til there's no play left in you.
i believe in the joy of laughter.
i believe in the kindness of strangers.
i believe that good friends can make your life that much better.
i believe in wrap around hugs.
i believe in the sublime lovelyness of a prize. (giving them)
i believe in the equality of all people.
i believe that happiness does not come from the stuff you have, but by how you live, and how you treat others.
and yes,
i could go on for quite awhile, it seems...
but...
i'll just stop there.
think about it...these are our guiding principles of how we live.
not to be taken lightly...but not to be so serious that we forget to just smile, laugh uncontrolabley, and maybe do a lil fist pump, hands in the air and everything :)
so, the next time someone asks you how you're doing, and you're feeling absolutely unstoppable...by all means...tell them...just like that!
people need to hear that good stuff.
a lil HFD terminology...'fo sho fo sho!' haha!
question is now...
what do you believe?
Thursday, August 11, 2011
this very moment...
so, i've just gotten back from a trip out to the great northwest...
and when i say great...
i mean GREAT! :)
the weather couldn't have been better...
the food...
the beer...
the people...
the city...
well...just everything was absolutely how you'd want it to be when you take a trip.
as i was on my adventure, and sort of walking tour of the city on a few different days, it took me back to my lil stint of living there, and this is what i came up with...
although i did come back, maybe a bit too soon, and maybe didn't give it the chance that i should have...i know too, that so many things fell right into place upon my arrival home.
in life, it seems, we can look back on decisions and wonder if they were right or wrong, kick ourselves a little bit, being unsure of what we've done, and maybe even regret the choices that we make out of gut instinct or whatever you would like to call it.
a friend and i were discussing this last night, and i was telling her about walking around portland...and how, on a few occassions, i thought to myself...'wow, honey, maybe you do run away from things too quickly, chicken out, not have enough faith in myself to just get through.'
as i was thinking this about portland and missing all of the things that this city has to offer, that home can't...
i was brought out of my dreamy thoughts, by my phone ringing...
taking me right back home and one of the reasons why it's so good to be there...
it was thomas, asking if i could come and pick him up for a play date. haha!
when i answered, it just made me laugh, and think...
'you're in the right place, honey, you don't need to question it'
which brings me to some other thoughts on this crazy life we live.
i've realized lately as well, that there are many times that we don't listen to our hearts enough...or we just don't go on our instincts...what feels right...
because for some reason, we're not really sure it could be right.
well, to that i say we have to start listening ever more deeply to what's inside of us...because 9 times out of 10, it's right on.
i'm always surprised by the sheer power and fact of how that happens...
how it's right there, in my face, saying, 'here i am'...
but there i go...not trusting...not believing...not having the faith...
in the one thing...
my gut, my heart, my instincts, my intuition...
yes, yes, yes...
we all have different thoughts and feelings and names for this thing,
but i think maybe we can all agree that it's there.
not outside of us...but inside of us.
each one of us.
the key or the answer or the trick is...
to start listening to that voice.
to step out of the crowd and pave your own path.
carve it out just the way you want it, because it is all yours.
we have this life to live...
and to consistently go with your gut, might be just the ticket.
i don't know about you, but for me...i get scared...
i sometimes just don't have an idea of which way is up, where i should be, what i should be doing...
but i do know, after this amazing week that i had in portland,
that i am in the place i should be...for now.
what surprises me the most is that it takes leaving to sometimes understand what it's like to be home.
i was completely surrounded by loads of strangers for the 8 months that i lived out there, but was somehow able to find a sense of love and understanding and peace that i may not have been able to find, sitting here, complacently, in my lil beach town.
it helped me in so many ways, that i'm still discovering.
and that is one of the truly amazing parts of this journey of life that we live.
i am so lucky in so many ways, it would take ages upon ages to enumerate all of the reasons for my luck...it makes me smile, just thinking about it.
so, when we look back on our decisions, our choices, our past...
don't worry...
don't fret...
the reasons and the regrets are just things we have to feel, then understand, then just tuck away, because there's so much more to do and so much more to learn.
i've been reading this book about mindfulness and meditation,
and it's really reminding me, if nothing else,
to stop and look around...
to be aware of the smallest of things...
and to take them in and appreciate the moment for what it is.
a moment.
but at the same time, it's a moment in YOUR life...
you have to notice that!
and finally, i'll leave you with this...
one of the other reasons i was out in portland was to attend a wedding of a very very dear friend of mine...
i kid you not...it was one of the most fantastic and beautiful weddings i've ever been to...not only because it was out on a horse farm, surrounded by the hills and valleys of the oregon countryside...but because there was this astounding feeling of love...of acceptance...of family...of celebration...of being surrounded by warmth, and yes, sunshine (they do have that in oregon sometimes. haha!)...
but what it reminded me of, and also made me know that i wanted in my life...
was to surround myself with the people that make me smile just because they walk in the room...that make me laugh...that make me remember and know what it feels like to be loved and cherished and taken care of...that have respect for you even if you are different...that have something to share that will help you grow as a person...and that maybe sometimes, even take your breath away.
here's a quote from 'on the road' by jack kerouac,
that maybe explains this a little better and more eloquently...
"the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everyone goes 'awwwwwwww!"
you see...
i have this...
and i am lucky,
and in this very moment,
it is as it should be,
and i'm here, right now, in this place,
and i am happy.
we do get to choose certain things in our lives.
choose wisely, because it's all yours...paint your landscape as wildly and passionately as you want to!
live, laugh, and love, my friends, live, laugh, and love.
and listen to your heart...it knows what it's talkin about, most assuredly so.
'...and this is the wonder thats keeping the stars apart...'
and when i say great...
i mean GREAT! :)
the weather couldn't have been better...
the food...
the beer...
the people...
the city...
well...just everything was absolutely how you'd want it to be when you take a trip.
as i was on my adventure, and sort of walking tour of the city on a few different days, it took me back to my lil stint of living there, and this is what i came up with...
although i did come back, maybe a bit too soon, and maybe didn't give it the chance that i should have...i know too, that so many things fell right into place upon my arrival home.
in life, it seems, we can look back on decisions and wonder if they were right or wrong, kick ourselves a little bit, being unsure of what we've done, and maybe even regret the choices that we make out of gut instinct or whatever you would like to call it.
a friend and i were discussing this last night, and i was telling her about walking around portland...and how, on a few occassions, i thought to myself...'wow, honey, maybe you do run away from things too quickly, chicken out, not have enough faith in myself to just get through.'
as i was thinking this about portland and missing all of the things that this city has to offer, that home can't...
i was brought out of my dreamy thoughts, by my phone ringing...
taking me right back home and one of the reasons why it's so good to be there...
it was thomas, asking if i could come and pick him up for a play date. haha!
when i answered, it just made me laugh, and think...
'you're in the right place, honey, you don't need to question it'
which brings me to some other thoughts on this crazy life we live.
i've realized lately as well, that there are many times that we don't listen to our hearts enough...or we just don't go on our instincts...what feels right...
because for some reason, we're not really sure it could be right.
well, to that i say we have to start listening ever more deeply to what's inside of us...because 9 times out of 10, it's right on.
i'm always surprised by the sheer power and fact of how that happens...
how it's right there, in my face, saying, 'here i am'...
but there i go...not trusting...not believing...not having the faith...
in the one thing...
my gut, my heart, my instincts, my intuition...
yes, yes, yes...
we all have different thoughts and feelings and names for this thing,
but i think maybe we can all agree that it's there.
not outside of us...but inside of us.
each one of us.
the key or the answer or the trick is...
to start listening to that voice.
to step out of the crowd and pave your own path.
carve it out just the way you want it, because it is all yours.
we have this life to live...
and to consistently go with your gut, might be just the ticket.
i don't know about you, but for me...i get scared...
i sometimes just don't have an idea of which way is up, where i should be, what i should be doing...
but i do know, after this amazing week that i had in portland,
that i am in the place i should be...for now.
what surprises me the most is that it takes leaving to sometimes understand what it's like to be home.
i was completely surrounded by loads of strangers for the 8 months that i lived out there, but was somehow able to find a sense of love and understanding and peace that i may not have been able to find, sitting here, complacently, in my lil beach town.
it helped me in so many ways, that i'm still discovering.
and that is one of the truly amazing parts of this journey of life that we live.
i am so lucky in so many ways, it would take ages upon ages to enumerate all of the reasons for my luck...it makes me smile, just thinking about it.
so, when we look back on our decisions, our choices, our past...
don't worry...
don't fret...
the reasons and the regrets are just things we have to feel, then understand, then just tuck away, because there's so much more to do and so much more to learn.
i've been reading this book about mindfulness and meditation,
and it's really reminding me, if nothing else,
to stop and look around...
to be aware of the smallest of things...
and to take them in and appreciate the moment for what it is.
a moment.
but at the same time, it's a moment in YOUR life...
you have to notice that!
and finally, i'll leave you with this...
one of the other reasons i was out in portland was to attend a wedding of a very very dear friend of mine...
i kid you not...it was one of the most fantastic and beautiful weddings i've ever been to...not only because it was out on a horse farm, surrounded by the hills and valleys of the oregon countryside...but because there was this astounding feeling of love...of acceptance...of family...of celebration...of being surrounded by warmth, and yes, sunshine (they do have that in oregon sometimes. haha!)...
but what it reminded me of, and also made me know that i wanted in my life...
was to surround myself with the people that make me smile just because they walk in the room...that make me laugh...that make me remember and know what it feels like to be loved and cherished and taken care of...that have respect for you even if you are different...that have something to share that will help you grow as a person...and that maybe sometimes, even take your breath away.
here's a quote from 'on the road' by jack kerouac,
that maybe explains this a little better and more eloquently...
"the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everyone goes 'awwwwwwww!"
you see...
i have this...
and i am lucky,
and in this very moment,
it is as it should be,
and i'm here, right now, in this place,
and i am happy.
we do get to choose certain things in our lives.
choose wisely, because it's all yours...paint your landscape as wildly and passionately as you want to!
live, laugh, and love, my friends, live, laugh, and love.
and listen to your heart...it knows what it's talkin about, most assuredly so.
'...and this is the wonder thats keeping the stars apart...'
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
'the meet up'
soooooooooooo, this is my 43rd posting...
and being i'm 43, i was thinkin, well, maybe it should be something...
extraordinary! haha!
but after much thought, and back and forth on what it should be about...
i think i'm gonna go with a laugh...
instead of my usual sap...
that, i must say, is kinda just me,
but...
being laughter, sometimes is the best medicine...
maybe i'll just truck it on that way, and see how it goes.
before i relay this story of my life,
let me just say that i will give no names, in order to keep the people in the story, safe from harm, laughter, and perhaps ridicule :)
as to not harm the innocent, right? haha!
in the last few months, a friend of mine's mom,
has been talking non-stop that i should meet this girl she knows...
that she's way cute, in shape, long blonde hair...the whole nine yards.
anyways, she's been talkin her up quite a bit,
whenever she comes to visit and we're sharing mojitos on the porch...
because, lets face it...mojitos on a breezy porch...yep...pretty much the best!
so, a couple weeks ago, i'm at work, and i get a text from my friend saying,
'my mom's in town, want to grab a drink with said cute blonde girl?'
well, i think to myself...okay...i guess this is what we single people do...
we meet people...so, i say yes, as long as you're there too.
we set the date and the next day rolls around, as they usually do...
my friend and i hop in her car, and proceed to the meet up place.
as we're rollin up in the parking lot, she tells me, 'well, i really don't know this person that well, it's mostly my mom's idea...we should make a signal to each other, just in case this doesn't go well'...
i, of course, am all for the signal thought.
and here we go...
we walk into the back porch area, as it is a really nice breezy afternoon on the beach, huge waves, surfers surfing, people ordering up cold beverages...
it couldn't have been a more perfect scene for a late afternoon meet cute.
we walk up to the table and if the first few minutes was any sign of what was about to come along, i maybe should have started running then. haha!
but...as they say...sometimes you just have to be patient, and give a person a chance to reveal themselves to you...as i figure out later in this 'blind date' scenario...maybe the revealing kinda thing...mmmmmmmmm...not such a great idea.
and yes, that will be explained later as well.
so, anyways, there we were, being introduced...
she had sunglasses on, where i couldn't see her eyes, in the least,
and she gave me a point with her finger, and a 'nice to meetcha' kinda handshake...
then said we all needed a drink, as she raised her arm and shouted for the bartender, at the top of her lungs...
at that point, i kinda already knew i was in for an interesting evening.
after the first 10 minutes, i get up to go to the restroom,
or more like, escape to the restroom,
and as i'm coming out,
there she is...walking towards me...
she says to me, 'hey, come to the bathroom with me'...
and i say to her, 'you know, that's okay, i just went, i'm gonna head back to the table, i'm okay'...
but she says, 'no, no, no, come with me...then we can talk'
and to that i'm say, 'no really, i'm okay...i'll just go back to the table'
but to no avail...she keeps saying the same thing, and finally, i just go with it...
we walk into the restroom, and she proceeds to walk into the stall, without closing it, i'm guessing thinkin i would follow her in, so, i lean forward and close it for her, and stand in the bathroom, as she asks me questions about myself.
such as...'are you bi-polar?', 'how old are you?', 'how old do you think i am?', 'is my age going to be a problem for you?'
yep...all very interesting conversation, i must say. haha!
so, we finally are done with that...and as we're walking back to the table, my friends are walking towards me, and she asks what they're doing, and they say that they were actually coming to check on me. hahahhaha! she's perplexed at why this is...but the night keeps going.
at a certain point, i see out of the corner of my eye, my friend's mom, asking her if she wants to trade places and sit next to me...(argh, nooooooooooo)
next thing i know, she's right there, laying her leg against me,
and every few minutes or so, reaching over and massaging my knee, and lookin over at me with a love-lorn type look...zoiks, i want to cry out for help! haha!
and by that point, the signal has not worked...
drinks are being drunk, and it just keeps getting better.
without my knowledge, help was sent for by the way of text to my ex and her girlfriend, that miraculously show up and a few other people as well.
by now, the table is jam packed and i'm trying desperately, to not even look over at the 'not so cute blonde girl'...as to not give her anymore reason to touch me or think i was walking out of that bar with her...next thing i know she's having a big conversation with my ex, and hitting on her, whilst her girlfriend is standing right next to her...yep...a winner, i say! haha!
to cap off the entire evening with no less than 10 peeps, sitting at the table,
she pulls up her shirt and shows her bare breasts to the table...(and not for just a flash second, but more like a good 20 seconds, of just standing there with her shirt up)
fortunately, for me, i was sitting next to her, and did not even look her way,
i saw enough out of the corner of my eye...
and by way of everyone else's faces at the table,
i was completely mortified and amazed, all at the same time.
i will say though, that the looks and the silence at the table,
were the most hilarious site to be seen and heard! hahahahha!
with a packed bar...it seemed like crickets were chirping for those few seconds, just at our table alone! hahahhaha!
to end it all...
she sort of just disappeared into the woodwork, stumbling away, and not saying goodbye...
which, to be totally honest, i was not sad for that adeiu at all.
and even better...
the rest of the night was quite fun and full of laughter...
dancing, talking, and embibing til the lights came on, and we were shoo-ed away by the barbacks.
re-living it the next day was quite a hoot, and as i've told the story several times to my friends...we've all had a great laugh...perhaps, a bit at my expense, but laughter, just the same.
which, as we know...it's good to have a good laugh...even if it is about yourself, and your so-called dating life. haha!
and it also goes to show you...
sometimes, when you think it sucks to be alone...
the night that i had is a good reminder that i'm okay just the way i am.
and perhaps, even more so, everything comes in its own time.
that was definitely not my time. haha!
it was a time, that's for sure though! and hey, we all have had those, here and there.
i guess the key is to not take things at second or third hand,
just as good ole walt whitman would say...
"you shall listen to all sides and filter them from your self."
tis true...no one can tell you the answers or whats best for you, better than you.
'song of myself', baby cakes, 'song of myself'.
you gotta just trust that what's inside of you is gonna get you there...
and then you'll know.
who knew all of that could come from the worst 'meet up' ever! haha!
goes to show you...you can learn something from everything :)
even from loud talking, knee massaging, bathroom jabbering, boob showing, dates...
yep...we can pull some good from even the worst of nights.
live and learn.
and above all...laugh.
and being i'm 43, i was thinkin, well, maybe it should be something...
extraordinary! haha!
but after much thought, and back and forth on what it should be about...
i think i'm gonna go with a laugh...
instead of my usual sap...
that, i must say, is kinda just me,
but...
being laughter, sometimes is the best medicine...
maybe i'll just truck it on that way, and see how it goes.
before i relay this story of my life,
let me just say that i will give no names, in order to keep the people in the story, safe from harm, laughter, and perhaps ridicule :)
as to not harm the innocent, right? haha!
in the last few months, a friend of mine's mom,
has been talking non-stop that i should meet this girl she knows...
that she's way cute, in shape, long blonde hair...the whole nine yards.
anyways, she's been talkin her up quite a bit,
whenever she comes to visit and we're sharing mojitos on the porch...
because, lets face it...mojitos on a breezy porch...yep...pretty much the best!
so, a couple weeks ago, i'm at work, and i get a text from my friend saying,
'my mom's in town, want to grab a drink with said cute blonde girl?'
well, i think to myself...okay...i guess this is what we single people do...
we meet people...so, i say yes, as long as you're there too.
we set the date and the next day rolls around, as they usually do...
my friend and i hop in her car, and proceed to the meet up place.
as we're rollin up in the parking lot, she tells me, 'well, i really don't know this person that well, it's mostly my mom's idea...we should make a signal to each other, just in case this doesn't go well'...
i, of course, am all for the signal thought.
and here we go...
we walk into the back porch area, as it is a really nice breezy afternoon on the beach, huge waves, surfers surfing, people ordering up cold beverages...
it couldn't have been a more perfect scene for a late afternoon meet cute.
we walk up to the table and if the first few minutes was any sign of what was about to come along, i maybe should have started running then. haha!
but...as they say...sometimes you just have to be patient, and give a person a chance to reveal themselves to you...as i figure out later in this 'blind date' scenario...maybe the revealing kinda thing...mmmmmmmmm...not such a great idea.
and yes, that will be explained later as well.
so, anyways, there we were, being introduced...
she had sunglasses on, where i couldn't see her eyes, in the least,
and she gave me a point with her finger, and a 'nice to meetcha' kinda handshake...
then said we all needed a drink, as she raised her arm and shouted for the bartender, at the top of her lungs...
at that point, i kinda already knew i was in for an interesting evening.
after the first 10 minutes, i get up to go to the restroom,
or more like, escape to the restroom,
and as i'm coming out,
there she is...walking towards me...
she says to me, 'hey, come to the bathroom with me'...
and i say to her, 'you know, that's okay, i just went, i'm gonna head back to the table, i'm okay'...
but she says, 'no, no, no, come with me...then we can talk'
and to that i'm say, 'no really, i'm okay...i'll just go back to the table'
but to no avail...she keeps saying the same thing, and finally, i just go with it...
we walk into the restroom, and she proceeds to walk into the stall, without closing it, i'm guessing thinkin i would follow her in, so, i lean forward and close it for her, and stand in the bathroom, as she asks me questions about myself.
such as...'are you bi-polar?', 'how old are you?', 'how old do you think i am?', 'is my age going to be a problem for you?'
yep...all very interesting conversation, i must say. haha!
so, we finally are done with that...and as we're walking back to the table, my friends are walking towards me, and she asks what they're doing, and they say that they were actually coming to check on me. hahahhaha! she's perplexed at why this is...but the night keeps going.
at a certain point, i see out of the corner of my eye, my friend's mom, asking her if she wants to trade places and sit next to me...(argh, nooooooooooo)
next thing i know, she's right there, laying her leg against me,
and every few minutes or so, reaching over and massaging my knee, and lookin over at me with a love-lorn type look...zoiks, i want to cry out for help! haha!
and by that point, the signal has not worked...
drinks are being drunk, and it just keeps getting better.
without my knowledge, help was sent for by the way of text to my ex and her girlfriend, that miraculously show up and a few other people as well.
by now, the table is jam packed and i'm trying desperately, to not even look over at the 'not so cute blonde girl'...as to not give her anymore reason to touch me or think i was walking out of that bar with her...next thing i know she's having a big conversation with my ex, and hitting on her, whilst her girlfriend is standing right next to her...yep...a winner, i say! haha!
to cap off the entire evening with no less than 10 peeps, sitting at the table,
she pulls up her shirt and shows her bare breasts to the table...(and not for just a flash second, but more like a good 20 seconds, of just standing there with her shirt up)
fortunately, for me, i was sitting next to her, and did not even look her way,
i saw enough out of the corner of my eye...
and by way of everyone else's faces at the table,
i was completely mortified and amazed, all at the same time.
i will say though, that the looks and the silence at the table,
were the most hilarious site to be seen and heard! hahahahha!
with a packed bar...it seemed like crickets were chirping for those few seconds, just at our table alone! hahahhaha!
to end it all...
she sort of just disappeared into the woodwork, stumbling away, and not saying goodbye...
which, to be totally honest, i was not sad for that adeiu at all.
and even better...
the rest of the night was quite fun and full of laughter...
dancing, talking, and embibing til the lights came on, and we were shoo-ed away by the barbacks.
re-living it the next day was quite a hoot, and as i've told the story several times to my friends...we've all had a great laugh...perhaps, a bit at my expense, but laughter, just the same.
which, as we know...it's good to have a good laugh...even if it is about yourself, and your so-called dating life. haha!
and it also goes to show you...
sometimes, when you think it sucks to be alone...
the night that i had is a good reminder that i'm okay just the way i am.
and perhaps, even more so, everything comes in its own time.
that was definitely not my time. haha!
it was a time, that's for sure though! and hey, we all have had those, here and there.
i guess the key is to not take things at second or third hand,
just as good ole walt whitman would say...
"you shall listen to all sides and filter them from your self."
tis true...no one can tell you the answers or whats best for you, better than you.
'song of myself', baby cakes, 'song of myself'.
you gotta just trust that what's inside of you is gonna get you there...
and then you'll know.
who knew all of that could come from the worst 'meet up' ever! haha!
goes to show you...you can learn something from everything :)
even from loud talking, knee massaging, bathroom jabbering, boob showing, dates...
yep...we can pull some good from even the worst of nights.
live and learn.
and above all...laugh.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
dig deep
let me start off like this...
well, actually, let's just say that life is full of surprises, right?
i mean, think about it,
every corner we seem to turn,
there's something there that we had no idea that we were going to see.
the other day i had a few early mornin hiccups to start my day.
first i was just getting ready for work...
and low and behold, my goofy toilet had decided not to flush...
i thought, 'well, okay, just get ready for work, and i'll worry about it later',
then i get to work,
and we have to do this battery watering thing on our 80 carts...
yeah, not a big deal, but to start off, this new little tool we do it with,
was fighting with me...by, basically, spurting water all over my shorts,
and even a few times, straight in my face. haha!
at that moment though, i was bit frustrated, being it was 6:30 in the mornin,
and i was not quite ready for the fight of the day.
because let's just admit right now,
that somedays are just that...
a fight.
everything we do, every person we come in contact with, every situation...
is just a fight.
at a certain point, between the takin of deep breaths to keep myself in check,
my partner i was working with walked inside the pro-shop,
and i was left, sitting quietly in my cart, looking down at my running shoes...
when suddenly i noticed this writing on the lil plastic parts that cover the end of the shoe strings...one said 'dig' and the other said 'deep'.
i was struck by the depth of those words, right there in that moment.
dig deep! wow!
it took me on this whole thought of my life,
and of the lives of the people around me.
how on somedays, relatively speaking,
we have to dig deep within ourselves to just make it.
to not explode at the slightest of things.
to not just give up, and go the wrong way.
it reminded me too, of how easy my life is...and how lucky i am.
and yes, even the luckiest people have moments that digging deep is imperative.
we all have to do it at some point or another, right?
no one gets to escape from it, really.
there are just different degrees of digging that we must do.
and the digging deep can also be brought to the table of being new...
of having the mind and attitude of a beginner.
i've heard this a few times lately...in different ways.
basically meaning that when we're new at something...
there's an excuse for mistakes,
we can look idiotic or goofy,
we can laugh at ourselves,
and it's okay.
but once we become good at something or experts...then there's less of an acceptance for errors...we're less likely to go out on a limb, and jumble some shit up.
we begin to think, 'i can't do that, i'll look stupid'.
we become too serious about ourselves.
we forget to laugh it off.
that's where the breath comes in...and that's what i've been learning about in yoga, and through reading different books on mindfulness and meditation.
learning that taking a deep breath in, can cleanse you and calm you, all at the same time.
today, i went to a yoga class, that honestly, i was thinking was one thing, and it turned out to be something totally different.
when i first walked in, i thought, 'what in the hell is this?'...
i was the only one for the first few minutes,
and i was feeling quite a bit, self conscious and gangly.
but then in my head i thought to myself, 'okay, honey, just go with it, and see what happens.'
turns out...it was kind of an interesting way to go about yoga.
i ended up having to really listen to the cues that the instructor was giving,
and the set up for it, also put the different poses into a new light for me.
it was slower and more mindful and there was a lot of focus on breathing.
i walked away from that class being pleasantly surprised by an alternate perspective of the yoga i usually go to.
because, honestly, when i first had realised that i was going to be doing something different, i was not really happy...i wanted my regular class...i wanted to be at home in that...but...nope...
there i was, on this circular mat, with this pod thing in the middle, and me wondering...'geesh, i'm glad this will only be an hour' and 'should i make a run for it?'
but i didn't...i stayed...
probably too, because i didn't want to hurt the lady's feelings that was teaching it, as pissy as i felt that it wasn't my usual class.
we humans and change...why is it so hard?
i don't know.
but i gotta tell ya...i'm glad i stayed.
which brings me back to the whole thought of 'dig deep'.
yes, none of the things i've talked about today are huge reasons to dig deep...
but as you know, very well...
life is full of moments and chances and reasons to do it...
to just dig deep.
to find something within us to pull us through, whatever we're going through.
big problems, small problems.
new things, old things.
i think one of the secrets is that sometimes, maybe,
looking at things like we're beginners,
and listening and paying attention to the cues of life,
well...maybe it could be the way to go.
embarassingly so, at 43, i've decided recently,
to start boogie boarding...
yes, it is funny...and my friends usually have a good laugh about it.
believe me :)
but the honest thing about that is...
i really love it.
the freedom of gliding across the water on the sole power of a wave...
i kid you not...it's a really cool feeling.
i find that every time, i go to stand up at the end of a ride...
i'm smiling, as i'm wiping my eyes clear of the salty water.
it's a refreshing and wonderful feeling to have, i gotta tell ya.
point being...
why not do something out of our box...
out of our realm of seriousness...
something you might want to do that may make others laugh that you're doing it.
who cares?! really?! who cares?!
as we get older, and become these experts...we can't forget that feeling of being a beginner...of digging deep...of working through all of those mistakes and failures...and building something within ourselves that's beautiful and amazing.
we all have it somewhere in there, in our hearts, that sometimes, we forget to use, even if it is beating strongly for us...we forget to listen to it.
and for some reason, we don't trust it.
we forget that each day is a day that we have to dig deep.
to live and to be.
i leave you with this...
if on any given day, you're feelin as if you're not going to make it or that you're not enough or you don't have the skill for this or that...
think this...'i am large; i contain multitudes'
yep...walt whitman happened to know some stuff, it's true.
the truth is in that quote, completely...
you may have to look hard...
but it's there...
you're there...
multitudes, my friends, multitudes.
so,
be the beginner, always...
and,
dig as deep as you can.
you may surprise yourself.
geez, for that matter,
you may surprise everyone around you.
wouldn't that be a treat?
well, actually, let's just say that life is full of surprises, right?
i mean, think about it,
every corner we seem to turn,
there's something there that we had no idea that we were going to see.
the other day i had a few early mornin hiccups to start my day.
first i was just getting ready for work...
and low and behold, my goofy toilet had decided not to flush...
i thought, 'well, okay, just get ready for work, and i'll worry about it later',
then i get to work,
and we have to do this battery watering thing on our 80 carts...
yeah, not a big deal, but to start off, this new little tool we do it with,
was fighting with me...by, basically, spurting water all over my shorts,
and even a few times, straight in my face. haha!
at that moment though, i was bit frustrated, being it was 6:30 in the mornin,
and i was not quite ready for the fight of the day.
because let's just admit right now,
that somedays are just that...
a fight.
everything we do, every person we come in contact with, every situation...
is just a fight.
at a certain point, between the takin of deep breaths to keep myself in check,
my partner i was working with walked inside the pro-shop,
and i was left, sitting quietly in my cart, looking down at my running shoes...
when suddenly i noticed this writing on the lil plastic parts that cover the end of the shoe strings...one said 'dig' and the other said 'deep'.
i was struck by the depth of those words, right there in that moment.
dig deep! wow!
it took me on this whole thought of my life,
and of the lives of the people around me.
how on somedays, relatively speaking,
we have to dig deep within ourselves to just make it.
to not explode at the slightest of things.
to not just give up, and go the wrong way.
it reminded me too, of how easy my life is...and how lucky i am.
and yes, even the luckiest people have moments that digging deep is imperative.
we all have to do it at some point or another, right?
no one gets to escape from it, really.
there are just different degrees of digging that we must do.
and the digging deep can also be brought to the table of being new...
of having the mind and attitude of a beginner.
i've heard this a few times lately...in different ways.
basically meaning that when we're new at something...
there's an excuse for mistakes,
we can look idiotic or goofy,
we can laugh at ourselves,
and it's okay.
but once we become good at something or experts...then there's less of an acceptance for errors...we're less likely to go out on a limb, and jumble some shit up.
we begin to think, 'i can't do that, i'll look stupid'.
we become too serious about ourselves.
we forget to laugh it off.
that's where the breath comes in...and that's what i've been learning about in yoga, and through reading different books on mindfulness and meditation.
learning that taking a deep breath in, can cleanse you and calm you, all at the same time.
today, i went to a yoga class, that honestly, i was thinking was one thing, and it turned out to be something totally different.
when i first walked in, i thought, 'what in the hell is this?'...
i was the only one for the first few minutes,
and i was feeling quite a bit, self conscious and gangly.
but then in my head i thought to myself, 'okay, honey, just go with it, and see what happens.'
turns out...it was kind of an interesting way to go about yoga.
i ended up having to really listen to the cues that the instructor was giving,
and the set up for it, also put the different poses into a new light for me.
it was slower and more mindful and there was a lot of focus on breathing.
i walked away from that class being pleasantly surprised by an alternate perspective of the yoga i usually go to.
because, honestly, when i first had realised that i was going to be doing something different, i was not really happy...i wanted my regular class...i wanted to be at home in that...but...nope...
there i was, on this circular mat, with this pod thing in the middle, and me wondering...'geesh, i'm glad this will only be an hour' and 'should i make a run for it?'
but i didn't...i stayed...
probably too, because i didn't want to hurt the lady's feelings that was teaching it, as pissy as i felt that it wasn't my usual class.
we humans and change...why is it so hard?
i don't know.
but i gotta tell ya...i'm glad i stayed.
which brings me back to the whole thought of 'dig deep'.
yes, none of the things i've talked about today are huge reasons to dig deep...
but as you know, very well...
life is full of moments and chances and reasons to do it...
to just dig deep.
to find something within us to pull us through, whatever we're going through.
big problems, small problems.
new things, old things.
i think one of the secrets is that sometimes, maybe,
looking at things like we're beginners,
and listening and paying attention to the cues of life,
well...maybe it could be the way to go.
embarassingly so, at 43, i've decided recently,
to start boogie boarding...
yes, it is funny...and my friends usually have a good laugh about it.
believe me :)
but the honest thing about that is...
i really love it.
the freedom of gliding across the water on the sole power of a wave...
i kid you not...it's a really cool feeling.
i find that every time, i go to stand up at the end of a ride...
i'm smiling, as i'm wiping my eyes clear of the salty water.
it's a refreshing and wonderful feeling to have, i gotta tell ya.
point being...
why not do something out of our box...
out of our realm of seriousness...
something you might want to do that may make others laugh that you're doing it.
who cares?! really?! who cares?!
as we get older, and become these experts...we can't forget that feeling of being a beginner...of digging deep...of working through all of those mistakes and failures...and building something within ourselves that's beautiful and amazing.
we all have it somewhere in there, in our hearts, that sometimes, we forget to use, even if it is beating strongly for us...we forget to listen to it.
and for some reason, we don't trust it.
we forget that each day is a day that we have to dig deep.
to live and to be.
i leave you with this...
if on any given day, you're feelin as if you're not going to make it or that you're not enough or you don't have the skill for this or that...
think this...'i am large; i contain multitudes'
yep...walt whitman happened to know some stuff, it's true.
the truth is in that quote, completely...
you may have to look hard...
but it's there...
you're there...
multitudes, my friends, multitudes.
so,
be the beginner, always...
and,
dig as deep as you can.
you may surprise yourself.
geez, for that matter,
you may surprise everyone around you.
wouldn't that be a treat?
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