so, i have been debating with myself on how to write this blog,
and keep all members in it, anonymous and safe.
and well...
it's not easy to do, i have to say.
but am gonna make a play for it...
so, let's just say...open mind is where you need to be,
whilst reading this story.
one can only hope.
and well, if you're here, most likely, and know me, i know already that you have an open mind.
mind you, i realize too, that being open minded has different levels...
ranging from wide open to slightly ajar :)
but...that being said, it all seems to be relative according the conversation we're having.
thus goes my story...
the other day i found myself in a situation that i wasn't quite completely ready for.
i may have over-reacted, and in thinking this, i decided to use a couple of my friends as sources of advice, as we all do in situations of life.
i feel as if i should explain a little about the happening, and then, basically, go from there...because it is not only what happened that matters, but my reaction, and the reactions of the friends and family that i spoke to about it.
this seems to have had an impact on me as much as the incidence at hand.
anyways, a long story short...
i was with a group of people and heard the word 'faggot' being used.
and not in the sense of a cigarette or a meatball, but as a general cutdown...
and just so you know...being a gay woman, it's quite often that you hear this word, or perhaps, 'queer' or 'gay' or even 'dyke' used in negative ways.
meant to be the lowest of low...
but, for me...it's personal...and when i hear it used that way...it affects me...
it makes me emotional...it hurts my feelings...and it enrages me...
all in all...it's a term that i can't stand...
granted...people say harsh words to each other all the time...
they cut each other down...
hurt each other, both emotionally and physically...
so, why, why does this bother me so?
just words right?
yes, they are just words...
i feel as if i am being remiss that i'm not explaining the situation further,
but suffice it to say...
i over-reacted a bit...but stepped back, as i noticed...took a deep breath...
and began to have a very passionate, two sided conversation that ended in an understanding way.
no, this doesn't always happen, when these words are uttered...
but in this situation...it was quite important to remain open and honest about feelings and such, that in the end, there was a new-found understanding...which is the best case of a worst case scenario.
i should also say that what a surprise it is sometimes in life that when something comes up that we deem important or vital to the next turn in life...we do treat it a bit differently.
when i was younger, i didn't really think about any of those terms...
about what they mean or how they may affect people.
it was in the coming out process and dealing with different circumstances of discrimination and hatred that i learned how important it is to speak up...
to say...'hey, that's not cool,' or 'do you know what you're saying?'
i will say time and time again how lucky i am to be where i am, and to have what i have.
to have a family and group of friends and a community that accepts me for who i am, and doesn't turn their back on me because they know who i am.
and here's the thing...
a couple days after my experience, i found myself in another conversation, re-telling the story, which i've only truly told to a couple people that are close to me...
the reaction to my story was kind of a mixed bag, because there were several people listening...
one of the people said to me that, 'oh, honey, you can't change anything, there's always gonna be hatred in world, and there'll always be people using those terms, people are discriminated against all the time,' and to that i replied, 'but if that were the case, nothing would ever change'...'when we're young, we are lead by example...hatred is sometimes taught...we have to be on the constant lookout to re-teach these things.'
the conversation went on, and there was a point that i had to get up and walk out of the room to gather myself, because obviously, this subject is personal for me and i believe in the fight of rights to all people...whatever the race, the creed, the color, the religion, the sexual orientation...because it's my feeling that using those words, and it being okay, well, that's where it all starts. that's where hatred is allowed to grow.
i believe that if we all sat back and just let things go, and didn't speak up...well, then that would be crazy and we would be being totally irresponsible for this human race.
i believe that it's insanely important to teach our young people the importance of language and how they use it to each other, with each other, and against each other.
it's never too early to learn this...
but it's the going about it...that's the hard part...
the taking a deep breath part...and speaking clearly...without judgement...and with the hopes of coming out the other side with a lil bit of peace and understanding from where you're coming from.
yes...it is a soap box that i've honestly not had to get on in awhile, being that i live this little life that i do...
being that, i don't have to fight for too many things.
being that i wake up in the morning, and have the freedom to do what i choose and be who i am.
not everyone has that luxury.
i am thankful for it.
but i'm also thankful that i can speak up and say what's what.
i know that we are not always going to agree...
the most important part...the most...is being able to hear each other.
i heard a song the other morning, on the way to work.
one of the lines from it states, 'let the world know we were here.'
so, in that vein,
here's my thought...
we have to stand up, even when it's on this small island, in your classroom, in your gym, or on a grander scale, the country you live in...
speak up, speak honestly, and listen...
because yes, you can and do make a difference.
if not you...who else is gonna do it?
don't leave it to others to change the world...piece by piece, we all can have a hand in it.
so, i've made it full circle from my little story of the day recently that i heard the word 'faggot'...who it came from was important to me, but the words spoken afterwards were more important.
it's sometimes not that easy to admit to the frailty of being human...of flying off the handle...of speaking out of turn...of making an ass out of yourself...
but then again...
there are times that we have to do just that...
'let the world know we were here.'
so, maybe in your daily life,
your comings and goings,
there are things that you hear or see...sometimes, first, we have to just take it in, then decide if it's important to you...these things take time.
they take, living life and feeling and experience to finally come to a point,
when you're ready to be heard.
we're all different...
we have different soap boxes, i'm quite sure.
but isn't that pretty damn grand?
i mean seriously!
several years ago, after one of the biggest arguments i've possibly ever had, i remember my dad saying to me, 'honey, i'm just so glad you have an opinion.'
typing that makes me smile.
because although i'm on opposite ends of the fence many times with my father,
he made me feel good about speaking up, whether he agreed or not,
and he loves me just the same whether we agree or not.
don't get me wrong, folks...not everyone is gonna love you, after you've said your peace/piece...
but it's in the trying that life is lived.
let 'em hear it...
you might make a lil crack in the world, and maybe some one will hear you.
all it takes is one voice...next thing you know...voices :)
stand up and speak.
'let the world know we were here.'
Monday, February 27, 2012
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
'remember who you are'
recently, i was at a friend's house, watching the super bowl...
and afterwards, we stood outside, havin this conversation about everything pretty much, known to man...our past...our present...and our future.
i remember thinkin how cool it was,
because it was actually one of my good friend's boyfriends that i watched the bowl with.
she was out of town with business stuff,
so, it was just him and i, and her kids,
hangin out...
we had subs and drank beer...
there we were, just watchin the game...
like peeps do...makin comments about the game and the commercials...
telling stories to her kids.
all in all, it was an interesting night...hangin out with this new guy friend of mine...
the kind of guy that gives massive man hugs...
the kind of guy that can build anythin...
knows every kind of plant...
can cook a mean breakfast...
he's thoughtful, kind, and loving to my friend (which is what you want for all of your friends right?)
i mean, this guy...he's the shit...he is!
anyways...i felt like i needed to describe him to you because something he said that night, has stuck with me...
i haven't been able to get it out of my head...
and i've been trying to think of how exactly i should share it with you to make it have the affect that it did for me or to me...which one of these i don't know...maybe both.
anyways, we were talking about our younger days,
about going out, the things we did and didn't do.
and he told me that when he got to the age that he was beginning to go out to parties and drink,
that every time he'd leave his house,
he said his mother wouldn't go into what his curfew was, because she knew he wasn't goin to make it, she wasn't goin to preach to him either because he probably wouldn't hear her...
basically, she would say to him...'just remember who you are'
he told me, when she would say that, he'd think, 'dang, mom, why'd you have to say that? anything but that!'
haha!
so, i've been thinkin about this quote non-stop...
'remember who you are'
hmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
who you are.
that's serious business, isn't it?
to know this, is to know all things...
or more truthfully, to know the most important thing.
it's really made me contemplate, who i actually am.
since then, i've been sorta listing things in my head of who i am...to me.
like where i came from...my family...how i grew up...the people i was surrounded by...
the people who taught me...if i studied...the churches i grew up in...
the crazy puppet ministry...yep...i said puppet ministry. hahahhaha! (that was for you, justin! hahahahaha!)
youth group...countless choirs and choir tours...
wacky hours spent playing basketball every chance i got.
tennis, tennis, tennis...pitching a baseball at my parents wooden fence, with a painted circle for the strike zone, sure that i was gonna be a pitcher for some amazing baseball team.
wow! that was loud! how did my parents just let me do that, over and over again?! haha!
the list keeps going, believe me...
thing after thing of which makes me who i am today...
and yet still...
there are days, that i just don't know.
where i'm goin, what i'm doin, or who i am.
a friend and i were talkin today, after yoga, as we were drivin home,
and she was sayin how sometimes she looks back at her choices in men,
and wonders, 'what was i thinkin?!'
we were both giggling about it as we were rollin down the road,
and we decided that these people that we look back at...we're not regretful about being with them...on the contrary...
we're happy we experienced it...because they're the one's that have helped us figure out what we truly want in a partner, and how we want to be as well.
so, even when the experience is not so great...we still usually learn something from it.
and some of them...well, some of them...you just have to be able to look back at, and laugh, and think, 'what in the world was i thinkin?!' haahahahha!
all of this stuff...all of it...
shapes and molds who we are.
so, each day, as of late...i've been walking out the door in the morning, and repeating that phrase to myself to make sure i'm paying attention...
'remember who you are'
am thinkin that it will remind me to pay attention to my words and to my actions.
i don't know about you,
but there are days, that i'm not so proud of what i've said or how i've reacted to something...
days that i look back and think, 'what are you doing?' or 'who are you?'
days that i'm just tired and unsure...
days that i wonder if it will all ever make any sense.
and i guess, the worst one is the fear that i'm not the person that i can be because i'm too busy trying to be someone else rather than just owning up to who i actually am...full of issues, failures, and idiosyncrasies...
yeah...i'm talkin about the pretty stuff :)
thing is...
our lives are full of this shit...everywhere we turn, there's a reason to give up, to stop, to not even start, to hate, or to not love...
yeah...everywhere...
but i think, it's exactly at that point that we have to remind ourselves to 'remember who you are'
because before anythin ever creeped in your head about doubt of yourself...you just did it...you just went out and did it...you dreamed it...you lived it...
then somewhere along the way, we forget who we are...
we forget what we're made of...all those little things that we grew up learning and doing and being...all of that.
the joy and excitement of it all, that's what we need to dig back into.
yes, yes, yes...we do learn a lot from the mistakes we've made, for sure.
i'm not denying that in the least.
but that good stuff...that good stuff that we had as kids...pure and simple...
without fear or regard of what we looked liked...
that's it.
in yoga class, when there's a pose that you can't quite get down into,
we use a block to assist us...and sometimes the teacher comes around and adjusts us because they can see our position a lil better than we can...there are also times that we hold each other up in balance poses, just by a simple touch.
the beautiful part of all of that is that when you walk into yoga, they're always reminding you to let go of all of that stuff that holds you back. basically, all of those things that you tell yourself, that aren't true...that sometimes we are actually our own worst enemies.
if we could get out of our own way, we might just surprise ourselves.
so, my thought is this...
maybe it's just a good idea to ask yourself each day to 'remember who you are'...
and in that remembering...a lot of good things could come to you and the people around you.
oscar wilde once said, 'just be yourself, everyone else is taken.'
but first you have to ask yourself something...
who are you?
and afterwards, we stood outside, havin this conversation about everything pretty much, known to man...our past...our present...and our future.
i remember thinkin how cool it was,
because it was actually one of my good friend's boyfriends that i watched the bowl with.
she was out of town with business stuff,
so, it was just him and i, and her kids,
hangin out...
we had subs and drank beer...
there we were, just watchin the game...
like peeps do...makin comments about the game and the commercials...
telling stories to her kids.
all in all, it was an interesting night...hangin out with this new guy friend of mine...
the kind of guy that gives massive man hugs...
the kind of guy that can build anythin...
knows every kind of plant...
can cook a mean breakfast...
he's thoughtful, kind, and loving to my friend (which is what you want for all of your friends right?)
i mean, this guy...he's the shit...he is!
anyways...i felt like i needed to describe him to you because something he said that night, has stuck with me...
i haven't been able to get it out of my head...
and i've been trying to think of how exactly i should share it with you to make it have the affect that it did for me or to me...which one of these i don't know...maybe both.
anyways, we were talking about our younger days,
about going out, the things we did and didn't do.
and he told me that when he got to the age that he was beginning to go out to parties and drink,
that every time he'd leave his house,
he said his mother wouldn't go into what his curfew was, because she knew he wasn't goin to make it, she wasn't goin to preach to him either because he probably wouldn't hear her...
basically, she would say to him...'just remember who you are'
he told me, when she would say that, he'd think, 'dang, mom, why'd you have to say that? anything but that!'
haha!
so, i've been thinkin about this quote non-stop...
'remember who you are'
hmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
who you are.
that's serious business, isn't it?
to know this, is to know all things...
or more truthfully, to know the most important thing.
it's really made me contemplate, who i actually am.
since then, i've been sorta listing things in my head of who i am...to me.
like where i came from...my family...how i grew up...the people i was surrounded by...
the people who taught me...if i studied...the churches i grew up in...
the crazy puppet ministry...yep...i said puppet ministry. hahahhaha! (that was for you, justin! hahahahaha!)
youth group...countless choirs and choir tours...
wacky hours spent playing basketball every chance i got.
tennis, tennis, tennis...pitching a baseball at my parents wooden fence, with a painted circle for the strike zone, sure that i was gonna be a pitcher for some amazing baseball team.
wow! that was loud! how did my parents just let me do that, over and over again?! haha!
the list keeps going, believe me...
thing after thing of which makes me who i am today...
and yet still...
there are days, that i just don't know.
where i'm goin, what i'm doin, or who i am.
a friend and i were talkin today, after yoga, as we were drivin home,
and she was sayin how sometimes she looks back at her choices in men,
and wonders, 'what was i thinkin?!'
we were both giggling about it as we were rollin down the road,
and we decided that these people that we look back at...we're not regretful about being with them...on the contrary...
we're happy we experienced it...because they're the one's that have helped us figure out what we truly want in a partner, and how we want to be as well.
so, even when the experience is not so great...we still usually learn something from it.
and some of them...well, some of them...you just have to be able to look back at, and laugh, and think, 'what in the world was i thinkin?!' haahahahha!
all of this stuff...all of it...
shapes and molds who we are.
so, each day, as of late...i've been walking out the door in the morning, and repeating that phrase to myself to make sure i'm paying attention...
'remember who you are'
am thinkin that it will remind me to pay attention to my words and to my actions.
i don't know about you,
but there are days, that i'm not so proud of what i've said or how i've reacted to something...
days that i look back and think, 'what are you doing?' or 'who are you?'
days that i'm just tired and unsure...
days that i wonder if it will all ever make any sense.
and i guess, the worst one is the fear that i'm not the person that i can be because i'm too busy trying to be someone else rather than just owning up to who i actually am...full of issues, failures, and idiosyncrasies...
yeah...i'm talkin about the pretty stuff :)
thing is...
our lives are full of this shit...everywhere we turn, there's a reason to give up, to stop, to not even start, to hate, or to not love...
yeah...everywhere...
but i think, it's exactly at that point that we have to remind ourselves to 'remember who you are'
because before anythin ever creeped in your head about doubt of yourself...you just did it...you just went out and did it...you dreamed it...you lived it...
then somewhere along the way, we forget who we are...
we forget what we're made of...all those little things that we grew up learning and doing and being...all of that.
the joy and excitement of it all, that's what we need to dig back into.
yes, yes, yes...we do learn a lot from the mistakes we've made, for sure.
i'm not denying that in the least.
but that good stuff...that good stuff that we had as kids...pure and simple...
without fear or regard of what we looked liked...
that's it.
in yoga class, when there's a pose that you can't quite get down into,
we use a block to assist us...and sometimes the teacher comes around and adjusts us because they can see our position a lil better than we can...there are also times that we hold each other up in balance poses, just by a simple touch.
the beautiful part of all of that is that when you walk into yoga, they're always reminding you to let go of all of that stuff that holds you back. basically, all of those things that you tell yourself, that aren't true...that sometimes we are actually our own worst enemies.
if we could get out of our own way, we might just surprise ourselves.
so, my thought is this...
maybe it's just a good idea to ask yourself each day to 'remember who you are'...
and in that remembering...a lot of good things could come to you and the people around you.
oscar wilde once said, 'just be yourself, everyone else is taken.'
but first you have to ask yourself something...
who are you?
Sunday, January 8, 2012
this is it...
so, we're a week into the new year,
and i have some confessions to make...
well, not those kind...
really juicy confessions...nah...
so far, 2012, hasn't seen the juicy side of life...at least not for this kid...but hope is always there :)
come on now...you know we all need a lil juicy-ness, it's okay to admit it to yourself...there's no one else around, inside of your head, while you're readin this. hahaha!
anyways, i digress, as usual...
here's what i'm thinkin, while sittin in front of my computer, on a sunday mornin, drinkin my cup o jane, spoonin some lovely oatmeal, and doin laundry. (yeah, pretty exciting stuff, it's true)
a few days ago, i was havin a regular day...
get up in the mornin, make my coffee, check emails, peruse facebook,
and i came across a status of a person i didn't even know,
that said that this person's cousin had died of a heart attack while running...48 years old.
and for some reason, that set the tone for the rest of my day.
mostly because, in the back of this big head of mine,
i'm thinkin, 'i'm 44, i'm 44, i'm 44'...
that day, i worked at the golf course,
and it was a day like any other,
we were slow, so, i had a lot of time to just stand outside,
as thoughts were floating in and out of me...
the day was crisp and the sky was cloudless and blue.
but i carried that status with me,
right into publix...
and yes, this is totally strange to say...but as i was leavin publix i was re-calling all the people i ran into and had conversations with...nothin serious was talked about, but there were smiles and greetings...your general idle chat, while in line or walking through the store. (because as we all know, going to the grocery store is never just going to the grocery store...it's running into every person you haven't seen in 3 years, or the people you see every time you go the store, and only when you go to the store, it's like they cease to exist when they walk out, until you run into them again, at the store! haha!...it's like goin to a local bar...grocery stores have regulars too! haha! there's just no barstools. haha!)
when you go to a store 3 or 4 days a week, you get to know all the cashiers, and i think it's a cool thing.
i find myself going out the way to say hello to the one's i know,
because it seems like they appreciate being asked how they're doing, and how their day is in general.
being that i sort of serve people too,
i know there are days that you don't really want to be serving,
that you'd rather be any other place but there...
i guess as part of humanity or kindness,
i feel as if life would be so much better,
if we could just stop for a second, and look each other in the eyes,
and actually connect, and actually listen, and actually truthfully say how we feel.
doesn't it seem like we're skiddin through sometimes?
from one thing to the other,
without even noticing how we're feeling?
running through life, locked and loaded, both barrels firing.
wow!
it's quite the rush, it seems.
well, to get back to my point...
and there was one, i promise...
i drove home from publix that day,
and was puttin my groceries away,
and it hit me...
as i was lookin out my back window, marveling at the growth, and wondering how these flowers pop up in the middle of winter (gotta love florida),
this is it...
this is life!
you know how sometimes, you're just waiting for that big thing to happen that's gonna change everything? and then you'll change everything?
well...
what if there isn't a big thing?
what if...
everything that's going on right now...is it?
what if...this is it?
this is the life?
the life that's happening this very second!
i mean, it was weird, i have to say, to be standing in front of my sink, and coming to the realization that this may very well be it...the life i lead.
all of these little things that make my day a day...
that is it.
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
no big lottery ticket coming in...
no loud crack...
cannons weren't going off...
just the silence of knowing that whatever i do in my day,
is mine.
and that this was it...my life.
you know those daydreams you have when you're young?
the one's that you become famous, have the life, you score the girl or the guy, and live happily ever after, jet-setting and such...yeah, those kinda dreams, the one's we have to eventually realize, 'uh, yeah, not real.'
which brings me to the confessional part...
yeah...finally :)
i had a kid i was workin with yesterday tell me that i was too nice,
which i quickly explained to him that if he only knew the thoughts in my head, then maybe he wouldn't think that. haha!
so, yeah...
there are days that i randomly lose it, when i drop something, or hit my head...
days that i silently curse my spin or yoga instructor, for holding a position too long, or a song that just keeps goin on and on...
days that i'm not feelin all that humane to the idiot that has pulled out in front of me or is going too slow...
days that i curse myself out for just being me...
days that i fall into the same patterns over and over again.
44...yes...and still saying too much, letting my heart get the best of me, and always falling for the wrong girl or the right one, depending on your perspective...but mine is always always skewed and in la la land, i can't lie.
there are days that any person that walks onto the golf course after 4 o'clock, and i'm closing, i send a curse to their soul, and wish harm upon their bodies. hahahhahaha! yeah, this is what we cart and baggers do, beware of the stink eye, with a smile on our face, welcoming you to the golf course. :) haha!
i'm actually laughin out loud at that one :)
anyways, there are actually way more unkind things i can say about the non-niceness that is within me, but that would take me away from the point of all of this rambling...
point is...
this is it.
this is our life.
we get a choice everyday, really, of how we live it.
our attitude.
our heart.
our kindness.
so what if we're not movie stars,
if we don't have mad bling,
if we're not wearing the latest fashion mag threads.
so what.
it's all really semantics isn't it?
we have a joke, my family and friends and i, about me being the 'mayor' of fernandina (that's my mom's term, mayor), or one of my friends actually calls me felix, joking that everyone knows me...yes, it's funny, we do have a good laugh about it, but that's the point eh? it's kind of a cool feelin to walk in somewhere, and know the peeps that are there and say our hello's and get hugs and high fives...that's all part of the small town deal. rockstars in our own backyard :) cool :)
(and please, don't get me wrong, i'm not saying i'm a rockstar...in the least...but i am sayin what an amazing and awesome feeling it is to walk into a place, and be welcomed and hugged, and yes, even slapped in the butt, here and there)
all of this little stuff that makes our day whole...
that is it.
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, i gotta tell you, this little stuff...
well, sometimes, it can seem quite little,
but,
sometimes, it can seem like all there is to be had.
so, i was thinking that, for me,
even though i live on a slightly, smaller scale than most folks around me,
i was thinkin that there will be days that seem quite large,
unbelievable kinda days...dreamy and shit :)
but i look out my window of my little apartment,
and it seems quite large already.
as i write this i know i may seem all over the place, and maybe it's because i am...
but just because this is it...
that doesn't mean we shouldn't say everything, do everything, and mean everything that we can...
that's exactly why we should!
if this is it...
then hey...
we don't have any time to waste do we?!
nope, we don't.
if we only have this moment...
then geez...live that shit up...
get every ounce you can out of it, i guess, right?
fall for the wrong people...say too much...laugh way too hard...
dance til the wee hours...sit with your friends and family for too long...
drink that extra cup of coffee...toast a tuesday...make out just because you can, and you want to...
get down in warrior 2, and sink it...
stay up to finish that book...
whatever it is...
this is it...
this is what makes our life our life.
and last but not least, i leave you with a lil quote from this completely goofy, philosophy book i've been reading. explaining broad philosophical terms with jokes and such...
but in the section of existentialism, it was goin through the different famous philosophers, one of them being jean-paul sartre, in which he believed, 'existence precedes essence'...
in the words of the authors of the book...
'we are indeterminate, always free to reinvent ourselves.'
god, i like that!
so reinvent yourself...every second, every minute, everyday!
people are always saying, 'i don't make new years resolutions, because i never keep them.'
who cares if you don't keep them!
make 'em anyways!
we fail at something everyday...it's what we do as humans!
fail miserably!
like at the beginning of a yoga class, you set an intention of what you want from it or are trying to get out of it...
better to make an intention than have no intention at all.
so what if you fail.
reinvent around that failure.
live life like, this is it...
because...
this is it.
and i have some confessions to make...
well, not those kind...
really juicy confessions...nah...
so far, 2012, hasn't seen the juicy side of life...at least not for this kid...but hope is always there :)
come on now...you know we all need a lil juicy-ness, it's okay to admit it to yourself...there's no one else around, inside of your head, while you're readin this. hahaha!
anyways, i digress, as usual...
here's what i'm thinkin, while sittin in front of my computer, on a sunday mornin, drinkin my cup o jane, spoonin some lovely oatmeal, and doin laundry. (yeah, pretty exciting stuff, it's true)
a few days ago, i was havin a regular day...
get up in the mornin, make my coffee, check emails, peruse facebook,
and i came across a status of a person i didn't even know,
that said that this person's cousin had died of a heart attack while running...48 years old.
and for some reason, that set the tone for the rest of my day.
mostly because, in the back of this big head of mine,
i'm thinkin, 'i'm 44, i'm 44, i'm 44'...
that day, i worked at the golf course,
and it was a day like any other,
we were slow, so, i had a lot of time to just stand outside,
as thoughts were floating in and out of me...
the day was crisp and the sky was cloudless and blue.
but i carried that status with me,
right into publix...
and yes, this is totally strange to say...but as i was leavin publix i was re-calling all the people i ran into and had conversations with...nothin serious was talked about, but there were smiles and greetings...your general idle chat, while in line or walking through the store. (because as we all know, going to the grocery store is never just going to the grocery store...it's running into every person you haven't seen in 3 years, or the people you see every time you go the store, and only when you go to the store, it's like they cease to exist when they walk out, until you run into them again, at the store! haha!...it's like goin to a local bar...grocery stores have regulars too! haha! there's just no barstools. haha!)
when you go to a store 3 or 4 days a week, you get to know all the cashiers, and i think it's a cool thing.
i find myself going out the way to say hello to the one's i know,
because it seems like they appreciate being asked how they're doing, and how their day is in general.
being that i sort of serve people too,
i know there are days that you don't really want to be serving,
that you'd rather be any other place but there...
i guess as part of humanity or kindness,
i feel as if life would be so much better,
if we could just stop for a second, and look each other in the eyes,
and actually connect, and actually listen, and actually truthfully say how we feel.
doesn't it seem like we're skiddin through sometimes?
from one thing to the other,
without even noticing how we're feeling?
running through life, locked and loaded, both barrels firing.
wow!
it's quite the rush, it seems.
well, to get back to my point...
and there was one, i promise...
i drove home from publix that day,
and was puttin my groceries away,
and it hit me...
as i was lookin out my back window, marveling at the growth, and wondering how these flowers pop up in the middle of winter (gotta love florida),
this is it...
this is life!
you know how sometimes, you're just waiting for that big thing to happen that's gonna change everything? and then you'll change everything?
well...
what if there isn't a big thing?
what if...
everything that's going on right now...is it?
what if...this is it?
this is the life?
the life that's happening this very second!
i mean, it was weird, i have to say, to be standing in front of my sink, and coming to the realization that this may very well be it...the life i lead.
all of these little things that make my day a day...
that is it.
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
no big lottery ticket coming in...
no loud crack...
cannons weren't going off...
just the silence of knowing that whatever i do in my day,
is mine.
and that this was it...my life.
you know those daydreams you have when you're young?
the one's that you become famous, have the life, you score the girl or the guy, and live happily ever after, jet-setting and such...yeah, those kinda dreams, the one's we have to eventually realize, 'uh, yeah, not real.'
which brings me to the confessional part...
yeah...finally :)
i had a kid i was workin with yesterday tell me that i was too nice,
which i quickly explained to him that if he only knew the thoughts in my head, then maybe he wouldn't think that. haha!
so, yeah...
there are days that i randomly lose it, when i drop something, or hit my head...
days that i silently curse my spin or yoga instructor, for holding a position too long, or a song that just keeps goin on and on...
days that i'm not feelin all that humane to the idiot that has pulled out in front of me or is going too slow...
days that i curse myself out for just being me...
days that i fall into the same patterns over and over again.
44...yes...and still saying too much, letting my heart get the best of me, and always falling for the wrong girl or the right one, depending on your perspective...but mine is always always skewed and in la la land, i can't lie.
there are days that any person that walks onto the golf course after 4 o'clock, and i'm closing, i send a curse to their soul, and wish harm upon their bodies. hahahhahaha! yeah, this is what we cart and baggers do, beware of the stink eye, with a smile on our face, welcoming you to the golf course. :) haha!
i'm actually laughin out loud at that one :)
anyways, there are actually way more unkind things i can say about the non-niceness that is within me, but that would take me away from the point of all of this rambling...
point is...
this is it.
this is our life.
we get a choice everyday, really, of how we live it.
our attitude.
our heart.
our kindness.
so what if we're not movie stars,
if we don't have mad bling,
if we're not wearing the latest fashion mag threads.
so what.
it's all really semantics isn't it?
we have a joke, my family and friends and i, about me being the 'mayor' of fernandina (that's my mom's term, mayor), or one of my friends actually calls me felix, joking that everyone knows me...yes, it's funny, we do have a good laugh about it, but that's the point eh? it's kind of a cool feelin to walk in somewhere, and know the peeps that are there and say our hello's and get hugs and high fives...that's all part of the small town deal. rockstars in our own backyard :) cool :)
(and please, don't get me wrong, i'm not saying i'm a rockstar...in the least...but i am sayin what an amazing and awesome feeling it is to walk into a place, and be welcomed and hugged, and yes, even slapped in the butt, here and there)
all of this little stuff that makes our day whole...
that is it.
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, i gotta tell you, this little stuff...
well, sometimes, it can seem quite little,
but,
sometimes, it can seem like all there is to be had.
so, i was thinking that, for me,
even though i live on a slightly, smaller scale than most folks around me,
i was thinkin that there will be days that seem quite large,
unbelievable kinda days...dreamy and shit :)
but i look out my window of my little apartment,
and it seems quite large already.
as i write this i know i may seem all over the place, and maybe it's because i am...
but just because this is it...
that doesn't mean we shouldn't say everything, do everything, and mean everything that we can...
that's exactly why we should!
if this is it...
then hey...
we don't have any time to waste do we?!
nope, we don't.
if we only have this moment...
then geez...live that shit up...
get every ounce you can out of it, i guess, right?
fall for the wrong people...say too much...laugh way too hard...
dance til the wee hours...sit with your friends and family for too long...
drink that extra cup of coffee...toast a tuesday...make out just because you can, and you want to...
get down in warrior 2, and sink it...
stay up to finish that book...
whatever it is...
this is it...
this is what makes our life our life.
and last but not least, i leave you with a lil quote from this completely goofy, philosophy book i've been reading. explaining broad philosophical terms with jokes and such...
but in the section of existentialism, it was goin through the different famous philosophers, one of them being jean-paul sartre, in which he believed, 'existence precedes essence'...
in the words of the authors of the book...
'we are indeterminate, always free to reinvent ourselves.'
god, i like that!
so reinvent yourself...every second, every minute, everyday!
people are always saying, 'i don't make new years resolutions, because i never keep them.'
who cares if you don't keep them!
make 'em anyways!
we fail at something everyday...it's what we do as humans!
fail miserably!
like at the beginning of a yoga class, you set an intention of what you want from it or are trying to get out of it...
better to make an intention than have no intention at all.
so what if you fail.
reinvent around that failure.
live life like, this is it...
because...
this is it.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
life as i know it...
let me start off by sayin...well, hello, first of all...
it's been quite a bit of time, as my lil hp hasn't been feelin all that well...but now with the help of some cool peeps at a computer store, i'm runnin full steam ahead.
not havin a workin, steady computer for awhile, surely changes the way one does everything...how i go about my day, how i have no idea what's goin on in the world of facebook, how i know of no news of the world, basically, since i don't own a t.v. either...
i mean to tell ya...wow! it took a few days to get used to the fact that i didn't have anything but myself to entertain me when i was home...
but eventually, silence was golden.
i accomplished so much more, i got to sleep at an early time every night, i read books at a lightning pace.
so, all in all, the loss of the computer for a lil bit, wasn't such a bad thing...just something to get used to, like anythin.
it was so funny, the day i got it back, i felt myself frustrated with tryin to get it back on track, and i realized it was the first time i had felt that way since it was gone.
sooooooooooo, basically, for me...technology, as it is such a wonderful thing, it's also such a firestarter as well.
here i was, loungin my way through my days,
maybe listenin to my old school, clock radio that i've had since my first year at fsu...that being '88...yep, i said it...'88! haha!
and it still works!!!!!!!! haha!
anyways, that was literally, my only form of noise for my apartment.
hilarious as it is...it was easy, once i got used to it.
a friend and i were talkin the other day,
and we were laughin at how people look at you when you tell them that you don't own a television...like, literally, they look upon you as if you were some sort of alien creature fallin from the sky, about to try to abduct them and take them to the lost world. hahahaha!
it's actually quite awesome to witness!
but i seem to going off on a tangent here,
so, let me get back on track.
i've been laboring over the fact that i haven't written in so long...
and also that i'm not really sure what to talk about.
so many times when i'm writing, things just come to me...
i worry a lot about writing about the same subject area, over and over.
i am kinda that girl, you know? (life, love, and the pursuits of happiness)
but in writing, they always say...write what you know.
i guess sometimes, and often, in my life,
i'm not totally convinced i'm very good at it.
writing, that is...and well, maybe life either. haha!
i like to tell a story, here and there...
relay a joke...
give some inspiration...
or just tell you what it's like from my lil perspective.
and, i guess that's all we can do in this life, right?
we have to live according to us...
not others.
it amazes me still, that at my ripe old age of 44, that i am overtaken by the view of some one else...how they're gonna feel, or what they're gonna think of me, if i say this or do that.
i find that sometimes i hold back or neglect to say something if i think it's gonna be interpretted in the wrong way...or i just agree, or say nothing, when i so obviously disagree.
and yes, mostly i just do or say whatever comes to me...
but i know too that, there are times, that living that way,
isn't always what its cracked up to be.
and yes, i'd like to say that i always learn from my mistakes,
but as i'm learning,
i don't.
i'm still ridiculously stupid, unrealistic, and dreamy,
in more ways than i care to describe...
suffice it to say...there's comfort in knowing that i am who i am.
and mostly, if you look around you...
the people that know you, they know this about you.
they know your history or as we gays like to call it, if you're a girl,
your herstory :) haha! you know me, i'm always trying to give a lil education, here and there, about how the other half lives...
that being my half :) haha!
anyways, the only thing i can speak of or write of,
is what i know and how i see it.
i definitely can't speak for anyone else...
and who would i be to try that, anyways?
i do love the fact that in this pursuit of happiness,
what comes with it is a whole lot of stories...
some good, some bad...
a few hilarious ones...some really lame ones...
some over the top...and some way below the surface.
but that's just it, isn't it?
what would life be, and who would we be without these stories?
so, when i do fall directly on my face,
i do know that eventually, i'll make it back to where i am,
and maybe move a lil forward and get a lil smarter.
then again...geesh...who knows?!
as i often think about,
me being gay in this really small town,
so many people encourage me to leave...
that i need to get out of here, if i'm ever to meet anyone.
the funny thing about this small town is that, for me,
or for any gay individual, small town, big city, whatever,
everyday is like another day to come out of the closet,
and be who you are...and tell people about it.
not necessarily walk around shouting it out or havin a rainbow tattoo on your forehead,
but with each new person that you meet,
eventually, the subject comes up...and the coming out process begins again.
the cool thing about it is...
it does get easier, and i've found myself more and more willing to be questioned about it.
for if people don't ask questions,
they're never gonna understand...
and accept it, as just a part of life.
just like anyone else...hoping to have moments of happiness,
and another person to share those moments of happiness.
i realize too, that i often speak of how challenging it is to be single as a gay person in a small community.
i know though...that it's hard either way...gay or straight.
i feel that if all gay people that lived in small towns thought to themselves, 'we need to move outta here', then how will people ever learn?
how will they ever come to a point of understanding of acceptance,
if we're not here, where we live, showing that we're just like anyone else?
the thing is...
here, in this small town i live in...i feel accepted...granted, there have been times that haven't been so pleasant, i can't lie...but there are so many amazing things about this place and the people in it.
sure, i don't have a community of gay people to spend time with, it's true...
but i have a community of friends and family, that i love and that love me, for who i am.
after all...community isn't always about being around the people that are exactly like you...it's about our differences...it's about facing them...it's about accepting those things that we may not understand, but listening to why they're so different...and maybe figuring out, that the things that we thought made us so different from another person, aren't really as vastly different as we thought.
so, in a way, me being in this small town, and being part of such a minority...it's actually kinda cool...in some strange way, it makes me feel special, if you can look at it that way.
and well...it's my home and i love it.
what i've realized is that whatever it is...
acceptance takes time...it's sorta on it's own pace.
it may be frustrating sometimes...and lonely.
but rest assured, life as i know it...is life as someone else knows it as well...if i just take the time to look around.
that old saying, 'knowledge is power'...the more and more i think of it, the more and more i realize how true it is.
it seems, the more we know, the more we are.
or maybe the more we are willing to let ourselves be.
look around you...look at how different we may be from the person next to us...
but how about...we meet in the middle, and figure out how much we have in common first, and then go from there?
it could make our numerous differences seem more workable.
there's a difference between tolerance and acceptance.
i've been made very aware of this difference...
and i can tell you this from experience...
acceptance feels like a million bucks compared.
i promise you that.
so, the next time we're ready to look at someone and think we know who they are or what they're going through without even so much as a word...
why not ask a question or two?
you never know until you ask.
because if there's anything that i have learned,
we're not as alone and different as we think we are.
and heck...that whole melting pot idea?
there was something behind that...
we ARE that.
it's one pot...not a bunch of separate pots...
just sayin...
sooooooooooo, maybe stir the pot sometimes...
it may make whatever or whoever is in it blend a little easier :)
it's been quite a bit of time, as my lil hp hasn't been feelin all that well...but now with the help of some cool peeps at a computer store, i'm runnin full steam ahead.
not havin a workin, steady computer for awhile, surely changes the way one does everything...how i go about my day, how i have no idea what's goin on in the world of facebook, how i know of no news of the world, basically, since i don't own a t.v. either...
i mean to tell ya...wow! it took a few days to get used to the fact that i didn't have anything but myself to entertain me when i was home...
but eventually, silence was golden.
i accomplished so much more, i got to sleep at an early time every night, i read books at a lightning pace.
so, all in all, the loss of the computer for a lil bit, wasn't such a bad thing...just something to get used to, like anythin.
it was so funny, the day i got it back, i felt myself frustrated with tryin to get it back on track, and i realized it was the first time i had felt that way since it was gone.
sooooooooooo, basically, for me...technology, as it is such a wonderful thing, it's also such a firestarter as well.
here i was, loungin my way through my days,
maybe listenin to my old school, clock radio that i've had since my first year at fsu...that being '88...yep, i said it...'88! haha!
and it still works!!!!!!!! haha!
anyways, that was literally, my only form of noise for my apartment.
hilarious as it is...it was easy, once i got used to it.
a friend and i were talkin the other day,
and we were laughin at how people look at you when you tell them that you don't own a television...like, literally, they look upon you as if you were some sort of alien creature fallin from the sky, about to try to abduct them and take them to the lost world. hahahaha!
it's actually quite awesome to witness!
but i seem to going off on a tangent here,
so, let me get back on track.
i've been laboring over the fact that i haven't written in so long...
and also that i'm not really sure what to talk about.
so many times when i'm writing, things just come to me...
i worry a lot about writing about the same subject area, over and over.
i am kinda that girl, you know? (life, love, and the pursuits of happiness)
but in writing, they always say...write what you know.
i guess sometimes, and often, in my life,
i'm not totally convinced i'm very good at it.
writing, that is...and well, maybe life either. haha!
i like to tell a story, here and there...
relay a joke...
give some inspiration...
or just tell you what it's like from my lil perspective.
and, i guess that's all we can do in this life, right?
we have to live according to us...
not others.
it amazes me still, that at my ripe old age of 44, that i am overtaken by the view of some one else...how they're gonna feel, or what they're gonna think of me, if i say this or do that.
i find that sometimes i hold back or neglect to say something if i think it's gonna be interpretted in the wrong way...or i just agree, or say nothing, when i so obviously disagree.
and yes, mostly i just do or say whatever comes to me...
but i know too that, there are times, that living that way,
isn't always what its cracked up to be.
and yes, i'd like to say that i always learn from my mistakes,
but as i'm learning,
i don't.
i'm still ridiculously stupid, unrealistic, and dreamy,
in more ways than i care to describe...
suffice it to say...there's comfort in knowing that i am who i am.
and mostly, if you look around you...
the people that know you, they know this about you.
they know your history or as we gays like to call it, if you're a girl,
your herstory :) haha! you know me, i'm always trying to give a lil education, here and there, about how the other half lives...
that being my half :) haha!
anyways, the only thing i can speak of or write of,
is what i know and how i see it.
i definitely can't speak for anyone else...
and who would i be to try that, anyways?
i do love the fact that in this pursuit of happiness,
what comes with it is a whole lot of stories...
some good, some bad...
a few hilarious ones...some really lame ones...
some over the top...and some way below the surface.
but that's just it, isn't it?
what would life be, and who would we be without these stories?
so, when i do fall directly on my face,
i do know that eventually, i'll make it back to where i am,
and maybe move a lil forward and get a lil smarter.
then again...geesh...who knows?!
as i often think about,
me being gay in this really small town,
so many people encourage me to leave...
that i need to get out of here, if i'm ever to meet anyone.
the funny thing about this small town is that, for me,
or for any gay individual, small town, big city, whatever,
everyday is like another day to come out of the closet,
and be who you are...and tell people about it.
not necessarily walk around shouting it out or havin a rainbow tattoo on your forehead,
but with each new person that you meet,
eventually, the subject comes up...and the coming out process begins again.
the cool thing about it is...
it does get easier, and i've found myself more and more willing to be questioned about it.
for if people don't ask questions,
they're never gonna understand...
and accept it, as just a part of life.
just like anyone else...hoping to have moments of happiness,
and another person to share those moments of happiness.
i realize too, that i often speak of how challenging it is to be single as a gay person in a small community.
i know though...that it's hard either way...gay or straight.
i feel that if all gay people that lived in small towns thought to themselves, 'we need to move outta here', then how will people ever learn?
how will they ever come to a point of understanding of acceptance,
if we're not here, where we live, showing that we're just like anyone else?
the thing is...
here, in this small town i live in...i feel accepted...granted, there have been times that haven't been so pleasant, i can't lie...but there are so many amazing things about this place and the people in it.
sure, i don't have a community of gay people to spend time with, it's true...
but i have a community of friends and family, that i love and that love me, for who i am.
after all...community isn't always about being around the people that are exactly like you...it's about our differences...it's about facing them...it's about accepting those things that we may not understand, but listening to why they're so different...and maybe figuring out, that the things that we thought made us so different from another person, aren't really as vastly different as we thought.
so, in a way, me being in this small town, and being part of such a minority...it's actually kinda cool...in some strange way, it makes me feel special, if you can look at it that way.
and well...it's my home and i love it.
what i've realized is that whatever it is...
acceptance takes time...it's sorta on it's own pace.
it may be frustrating sometimes...and lonely.
but rest assured, life as i know it...is life as someone else knows it as well...if i just take the time to look around.
that old saying, 'knowledge is power'...the more and more i think of it, the more and more i realize how true it is.
it seems, the more we know, the more we are.
or maybe the more we are willing to let ourselves be.
look around you...look at how different we may be from the person next to us...
but how about...we meet in the middle, and figure out how much we have in common first, and then go from there?
it could make our numerous differences seem more workable.
there's a difference between tolerance and acceptance.
i've been made very aware of this difference...
and i can tell you this from experience...
acceptance feels like a million bucks compared.
i promise you that.
so, the next time we're ready to look at someone and think we know who they are or what they're going through without even so much as a word...
why not ask a question or two?
you never know until you ask.
because if there's anything that i have learned,
we're not as alone and different as we think we are.
and heck...that whole melting pot idea?
there was something behind that...
we ARE that.
it's one pot...not a bunch of separate pots...
just sayin...
sooooooooooo, maybe stir the pot sometimes...
it may make whatever or whoever is in it blend a little easier :)
Sunday, October 30, 2011
benefits...
well, it's been a perfect sunday...
i was off...
and i did absolutely nothing.
which gave me much time to look back on the last few days of another crazy georgia florida weekend, here, in fernandina beach.
always full of people...always quite memorable in some way, shape, or form.
most definitely :)
at the end of one of these kinds of weekends too,
it's easy to look back and think...'oh, my god, i drank too much, ate too much, screamed a bit, and stayed up way too late!'
but...
in the same breath, it's also one of those times that you have to remind yourself to live it and have a good time while you can...while it's here.
after all, the next georgia florida game isn't until next year.
right?
right.
funny thing is, i'm a fan of neither...i'm an fsu girl, that happens to always cheer for whomever is playin the gators.
but i'm a huge fan of being with people i care about,
people i can have some laughs with,
people that you look forward to breaking bread with,
people that you can tell your ridiculous stories to,
and laugh so hard that there's this funny squeal of breath trying to come out of you.
all of those things...
hey, you need to grab 'em and roll with it.
this really goes for just about anything.
it's quite easy to think to ourselves...'hmmmmmmm, i'll stay in, there'll be other times to do this or that.'
and yes, we should listen to our inner voice when we're tired or just not feeling it,
but there are also those times that we have to make a lil more of an effort to live, to laugh, to love, and honestly, just to have one hell of a time.
because don't people always say, at the end of your life, will you be angry at yourself that you shoulda taken a longer nap or you shoulda worked longer hours, or tried to make so much more money?
noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
life, my friends...
life...
must be lived.
must be loved.
must be jumped into feet first...or is it head first?!
i don't know.
but how bout this...
there's always so much freakin time to be serious,
to do serious business types of things,
to take ourselves way too seriously.
geeeeeeeeeeeesh!
i know as for me...
i always look back at a night that i've laughed insanely with my friends, as a night well lived...a night i can look back on, and still laugh about.
now that...that's a good night.
there can't be enough of those.
nights that at the end of them, your knees are hurting like they have rust in them from dancing so hard...that when a friend walks up to you to give you a hug, you worry that you're way too sweaty from dancing, to be getting a hug...but you hug anyways, and you laugh and say it's good to see each other.
you hear things that make no sense, and you think to yourself...'what in the world is this person talking about?'...but you can't even hear yourself think because the music is so loud.
the next day you wake up, and your voice sounds like it's been dragged across the hot pavement...and in some way, it seems pretty damn sexy.
yeah...
those kinda nights.
there are those days afterwards that i sit and feel guilty that i did all of these things...after all, i am 43.
but then when i think about the people i did them with...
well, then...
then it all makes sense.
i was talkin to some friends this mornin while we were eating breakfast together, and the subject came up about the fact that as we get older, we are more apt to decide quite simply that we do not have time to waste on being around people that we don't want to be around.
that our lives and our time seems to be getting more and more precious, and we feel that it is important to choose wisely how we spend it, and who we spend it with.
now yes, this may seem a lil brash or too honest...
but think about it.
haven't we all been in situations where we're at a party or out with people and we look around and think...'why am i here?' or 'i don't really want to talk to any of these people' or 'man, i don't have anythin in common we these yahoos.'
but for some reason we stay and then the next day someone asks you if you had a good night the night before, and all you can think to say was that it was weird or that you just weren't feelin it or that it was just okay.
yeah...it happens.
more often than not.
those are the nights that we have to give up the ghost and go home...watch some hulu, listen to some tunes, or read a book.
but those nights,
those nights
that you're with your peeps...
the people that get you...
that laugh...that make you feel like home...
that you can say whatever it is that you need to say and feel safe saying it,
those nights that you look into the crowd and your entertained by everything around you...
now that, that, my friends, that's the kinda night, that you just stay out...
that you just pay for your sins the next day.
that when you talk about it, you find yourself shakin your head back and forth in the middle of the story. hahahahaha!
those are the kinda nights that remind you that you're alive.
still.
and that you still have some fight left in you to do all of the other things you have to deal with in this crazy life that's going on all around us.
yes, it's easy to get taken away by all of the bad that happens in this world...
the madness and mayhem can easily sweep you away.
it's those friends and that family that can bring it all to a halt,
and give you grand reason to smile, to laugh, to dance, and to love,
and to some days take it just a little less seriously.
i know, i know, as you read this, you may be thinking, 'obviously, honey, you probably should go out less, and get more serious about your 401k'...
haha!
and yeah, you're most likely right.
but...
and this is a big but...
we're all different aren't we?
i've desperately wished i was one of those kinds of people.
business savvy, money minded, career oriented...all of that sounds awesome! really, it does!
but...i've also realized...
it's just not me.
i'll leave that to other people.
maybe i'm here to laugh, to love, to dance, to write, to be a good friend, to spin, to yoga, to shoot hoops, to cook, to listen to awesome music, to run trails, to make other people laugh...
ohhhhhhhh, i don't know...i'm still tryin to figure all of that out.
i have been on a constant search since high school to figure all of this out, and there are times, when someone i have just met, asks me what i do, that i'm embarassed or feel a bit like less of an outstanding individual because i don't do something that provides benefits or that i make minimum wage plus tips...
yes...for those few minutes that i first meet people...i'm very aware that i'm not on the upper end of the food chain of careers...
but i hope too, that once we talk longer,
that none of that will matter.
and to the good people,
the people i want to spend my time with,
it won't matter.
it won't matter at all.
i always joke about the fact that everything that i like to do, i can't make money at...it's a fact of life.
and it's my life.
and it's a good one.
so, on this sunday of georgia florida weekend...
my voice is hoarse, i've been using a heating pad on my lower back from too much spin, too much yoga, too much dancin, and too much bag slingin. i've taken my glucosamine chondroitin with msm, i ate a mack daddy breakfast, cooked by people i love, and was just delivered an apple cream cheese poundcake by the best neighbor i could ask for.
benefits...
yep...i think i have benefits.
they may not be traditional benefits...
but i surely do have them.
i'm imagining, if you look around...you probably have 'em too.
and what i can say to that is...
stay up too late.
laugh too loud.
sometimes, not all the time, drink too much.
dance til you can't stand it any longer.
talk to the people you love til you're blue in the face.
watch the sun come up.
look at the moon at 3 in the mornin, when you're getting home and smile.
remember these times, my friends.
those are the benefits of life.
the good stuff.
what it's all about.
and, as a lot of people seem to be saying lately...
'that is all' :)
go dawgs.
i was off...
and i did absolutely nothing.
which gave me much time to look back on the last few days of another crazy georgia florida weekend, here, in fernandina beach.
always full of people...always quite memorable in some way, shape, or form.
most definitely :)
at the end of one of these kinds of weekends too,
it's easy to look back and think...'oh, my god, i drank too much, ate too much, screamed a bit, and stayed up way too late!'
but...
in the same breath, it's also one of those times that you have to remind yourself to live it and have a good time while you can...while it's here.
after all, the next georgia florida game isn't until next year.
right?
right.
funny thing is, i'm a fan of neither...i'm an fsu girl, that happens to always cheer for whomever is playin the gators.
but i'm a huge fan of being with people i care about,
people i can have some laughs with,
people that you look forward to breaking bread with,
people that you can tell your ridiculous stories to,
and laugh so hard that there's this funny squeal of breath trying to come out of you.
all of those things...
hey, you need to grab 'em and roll with it.
this really goes for just about anything.
it's quite easy to think to ourselves...'hmmmmmmm, i'll stay in, there'll be other times to do this or that.'
and yes, we should listen to our inner voice when we're tired or just not feeling it,
but there are also those times that we have to make a lil more of an effort to live, to laugh, to love, and honestly, just to have one hell of a time.
because don't people always say, at the end of your life, will you be angry at yourself that you shoulda taken a longer nap or you shoulda worked longer hours, or tried to make so much more money?
noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
life, my friends...
life...
must be lived.
must be loved.
must be jumped into feet first...or is it head first?!
i don't know.
but how bout this...
there's always so much freakin time to be serious,
to do serious business types of things,
to take ourselves way too seriously.
geeeeeeeeeeeesh!
i know as for me...
i always look back at a night that i've laughed insanely with my friends, as a night well lived...a night i can look back on, and still laugh about.
now that...that's a good night.
there can't be enough of those.
nights that at the end of them, your knees are hurting like they have rust in them from dancing so hard...that when a friend walks up to you to give you a hug, you worry that you're way too sweaty from dancing, to be getting a hug...but you hug anyways, and you laugh and say it's good to see each other.
you hear things that make no sense, and you think to yourself...'what in the world is this person talking about?'...but you can't even hear yourself think because the music is so loud.
the next day you wake up, and your voice sounds like it's been dragged across the hot pavement...and in some way, it seems pretty damn sexy.
yeah...
those kinda nights.
there are those days afterwards that i sit and feel guilty that i did all of these things...after all, i am 43.
but then when i think about the people i did them with...
well, then...
then it all makes sense.
i was talkin to some friends this mornin while we were eating breakfast together, and the subject came up about the fact that as we get older, we are more apt to decide quite simply that we do not have time to waste on being around people that we don't want to be around.
that our lives and our time seems to be getting more and more precious, and we feel that it is important to choose wisely how we spend it, and who we spend it with.
now yes, this may seem a lil brash or too honest...
but think about it.
haven't we all been in situations where we're at a party or out with people and we look around and think...'why am i here?' or 'i don't really want to talk to any of these people' or 'man, i don't have anythin in common we these yahoos.'
but for some reason we stay and then the next day someone asks you if you had a good night the night before, and all you can think to say was that it was weird or that you just weren't feelin it or that it was just okay.
yeah...it happens.
more often than not.
those are the nights that we have to give up the ghost and go home...watch some hulu, listen to some tunes, or read a book.
but those nights,
those nights
that you're with your peeps...
the people that get you...
that laugh...that make you feel like home...
that you can say whatever it is that you need to say and feel safe saying it,
those nights that you look into the crowd and your entertained by everything around you...
now that, that, my friends, that's the kinda night, that you just stay out...
that you just pay for your sins the next day.
that when you talk about it, you find yourself shakin your head back and forth in the middle of the story. hahahahaha!
those are the kinda nights that remind you that you're alive.
still.
and that you still have some fight left in you to do all of the other things you have to deal with in this crazy life that's going on all around us.
yes, it's easy to get taken away by all of the bad that happens in this world...
the madness and mayhem can easily sweep you away.
it's those friends and that family that can bring it all to a halt,
and give you grand reason to smile, to laugh, to dance, and to love,
and to some days take it just a little less seriously.
i know, i know, as you read this, you may be thinking, 'obviously, honey, you probably should go out less, and get more serious about your 401k'...
haha!
and yeah, you're most likely right.
but...
and this is a big but...
we're all different aren't we?
i've desperately wished i was one of those kinds of people.
business savvy, money minded, career oriented...all of that sounds awesome! really, it does!
but...i've also realized...
it's just not me.
i'll leave that to other people.
maybe i'm here to laugh, to love, to dance, to write, to be a good friend, to spin, to yoga, to shoot hoops, to cook, to listen to awesome music, to run trails, to make other people laugh...
ohhhhhhhh, i don't know...i'm still tryin to figure all of that out.
i have been on a constant search since high school to figure all of this out, and there are times, when someone i have just met, asks me what i do, that i'm embarassed or feel a bit like less of an outstanding individual because i don't do something that provides benefits or that i make minimum wage plus tips...
yes...for those few minutes that i first meet people...i'm very aware that i'm not on the upper end of the food chain of careers...
but i hope too, that once we talk longer,
that none of that will matter.
and to the good people,
the people i want to spend my time with,
it won't matter.
it won't matter at all.
i always joke about the fact that everything that i like to do, i can't make money at...it's a fact of life.
and it's my life.
and it's a good one.
so, on this sunday of georgia florida weekend...
my voice is hoarse, i've been using a heating pad on my lower back from too much spin, too much yoga, too much dancin, and too much bag slingin. i've taken my glucosamine chondroitin with msm, i ate a mack daddy breakfast, cooked by people i love, and was just delivered an apple cream cheese poundcake by the best neighbor i could ask for.
benefits...
yep...i think i have benefits.
they may not be traditional benefits...
but i surely do have them.
i'm imagining, if you look around...you probably have 'em too.
and what i can say to that is...
stay up too late.
laugh too loud.
sometimes, not all the time, drink too much.
dance til you can't stand it any longer.
talk to the people you love til you're blue in the face.
watch the sun come up.
look at the moon at 3 in the mornin, when you're getting home and smile.
remember these times, my friends.
those are the benefits of life.
the good stuff.
what it's all about.
and, as a lot of people seem to be saying lately...
'that is all' :)
go dawgs.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
first chilly day...
wow...so, i realized just recently that it's been over a month since i've written...
i don't know where the time goes sometimes!
each week i kept thinkin, 'man, i need to write something...'
but then the days turned into weeks and then a whole month went by!
whew!
almost a month and a half, really!
so, here i am...
back at it...
thinkin maybe, oh, i don't know, i'll just put something out there.
i think maybe too, that i have been busying myself with life so much that i forget that i should sit down and record some thoughts and feelings about what's going on around me.
because as we all know...there's always something goin on.
loads and loads of things everyday,
even if it seems like the most usual blah kinda day,
you can be rest assured, that somewhere, something is going on.
maybe even without notice...
kinda like the crazy bushes and grass in my back yard...
they've grown up like wildfire, all over the place,
and it looks like a jungle out there...i usually avert my eyes as to not remind myself that something needs to be done with that wildness. haha!
i weed the front porch area because once i'm done, it looks so much prettier and neat and clean (and it makes me feel accomplished when i do it, if for no other reason)...but all it takes is a week to go by, and those wacky weeds are all over the place again! holy cow!
stuff that we don't want is always poppin up all over the place!
which maybe brings me to a thought for the day...
just maybe :)
at the change of seasons and in different times in our lives,
we go through a period of cleaning out or clearing out.
things that we've been looking at for days, weeks, months, years...
we all of a sudden decide, 'okay, it's time, you're outta here'.
be it spring cleaning,
chopping off our hair,
shaving, (my favorite. haha!)
cutting the grass,
clearing out friends we don't talk to anymore on facebook,
breaking up with partners, spouses, and friends.
all of these things are part of how we clear up and move on.
it's kinda crazy how sometimes we just need the momentum of a good book, a movie, a song, or even the first chilly day of fall, to inspire us to do the things that we know we need to in order for our lives to be better, to be cleaner, to be more beautiful to look at and live in.
thing is...
it's kinda like pruning a plant...
cutting off the old dead parts, in order for it to grow stronger,
in order for it to grow with renewed energy,
with renewed fullness.
because in time, it all does grow back.
and sometimes in the wildest of ways, that we hadn't even imagined.
but that's the cool part about life...
it's so unexpected and out of our control!
we are in control our of actions...and no one else's.
so, it's up to us each and everyday,
to make an effort to renew and revive and re-fill.
to clear out and clean up.
we must always keep watch over what we do and what's growing around us...
because the weeds and dead stuff that cling to us,
have to be cut back, pruned, and thrown out,
in order to keep growing...up and out.
it's a daily process, this life.
taking it all in, and deciding what to keep,
what we can learn from,
what brings us down,
what picks us up,
and what holds us back.
decisions, decisions, eh?
i will leave you with this poem by hafiz,
a friend of mine sent me long ago, (it's on my wall in my kitchen)
when i was having difficulties in my days...
and please excuse me, if i've already posted this one
on a previous blog...my memory sometimes fails me...
but there is some good that can come out of reading things over and over again...we can pick up things hadn't seen before.
like watching a movie a few times, and realizing you hadn't caught this or that from the first or second time watching...
great words are sometimes best read several times over,
and in different times in our lives, we may understand them better or in a different way.
"we have not come to take prisoners"
we have not come here to take prisoners,
but to surrender ever more deeply
to freedom and joy.
we have not come into this exquisite world
to hold ourselves hostage from love.
run my dear,
from anything
that may not strengthen
your precious budding wings.
run like hell my dear,
from anyone likely
to put a sharp knife
into the sacred, tender vision
of your beautiful heart.
we have a duty to befriend
those aspects of obedience
that stand oustide of our house
and shout to our reason
'o please, o please,
come out and play.'
for we have not come here to take prisoners
or to confine our wondrous spirits,
but to experience ever and ever more deeply
our divine courage, freedom and
light!
~hafiz~
i think that maybe sometimes in our lives we just have to take stock, check things out, and see what's growing rampantly that maybe we didn't even notice about ourselves.
things that maybe all we really need to do is grab a set of clippers and prune away.
the other side to that coin is that what grows from it could be the best thing ever! maybe what you've been looking for and waiting for all along.
it's easy to miss sometimes, because there's lots of weeds that have pretty flowers attached to them, and it's hard to differentiate between the two.
that only means we just have to pay closer attention.
after all...
this life is ours for the taking.
why not take it and live it?
for '...we have not come here to take prisoners,
but to experience ever and ever more deeply
our divine courage, freedom,
and light!'
rock on, my friends,
and prune away!
i don't know where the time goes sometimes!
each week i kept thinkin, 'man, i need to write something...'
but then the days turned into weeks and then a whole month went by!
whew!
almost a month and a half, really!
so, here i am...
back at it...
thinkin maybe, oh, i don't know, i'll just put something out there.
i think maybe too, that i have been busying myself with life so much that i forget that i should sit down and record some thoughts and feelings about what's going on around me.
because as we all know...there's always something goin on.
loads and loads of things everyday,
even if it seems like the most usual blah kinda day,
you can be rest assured, that somewhere, something is going on.
maybe even without notice...
kinda like the crazy bushes and grass in my back yard...
they've grown up like wildfire, all over the place,
and it looks like a jungle out there...i usually avert my eyes as to not remind myself that something needs to be done with that wildness. haha!
i weed the front porch area because once i'm done, it looks so much prettier and neat and clean (and it makes me feel accomplished when i do it, if for no other reason)...but all it takes is a week to go by, and those wacky weeds are all over the place again! holy cow!
stuff that we don't want is always poppin up all over the place!
which maybe brings me to a thought for the day...
just maybe :)
at the change of seasons and in different times in our lives,
we go through a period of cleaning out or clearing out.
things that we've been looking at for days, weeks, months, years...
we all of a sudden decide, 'okay, it's time, you're outta here'.
be it spring cleaning,
chopping off our hair,
shaving, (my favorite. haha!)
cutting the grass,
clearing out friends we don't talk to anymore on facebook,
breaking up with partners, spouses, and friends.
all of these things are part of how we clear up and move on.
it's kinda crazy how sometimes we just need the momentum of a good book, a movie, a song, or even the first chilly day of fall, to inspire us to do the things that we know we need to in order for our lives to be better, to be cleaner, to be more beautiful to look at and live in.
thing is...
it's kinda like pruning a plant...
cutting off the old dead parts, in order for it to grow stronger,
in order for it to grow with renewed energy,
with renewed fullness.
because in time, it all does grow back.
and sometimes in the wildest of ways, that we hadn't even imagined.
but that's the cool part about life...
it's so unexpected and out of our control!
we are in control our of actions...and no one else's.
so, it's up to us each and everyday,
to make an effort to renew and revive and re-fill.
to clear out and clean up.
we must always keep watch over what we do and what's growing around us...
because the weeds and dead stuff that cling to us,
have to be cut back, pruned, and thrown out,
in order to keep growing...up and out.
it's a daily process, this life.
taking it all in, and deciding what to keep,
what we can learn from,
what brings us down,
what picks us up,
and what holds us back.
decisions, decisions, eh?
i will leave you with this poem by hafiz,
a friend of mine sent me long ago, (it's on my wall in my kitchen)
when i was having difficulties in my days...
and please excuse me, if i've already posted this one
on a previous blog...my memory sometimes fails me...
but there is some good that can come out of reading things over and over again...we can pick up things hadn't seen before.
like watching a movie a few times, and realizing you hadn't caught this or that from the first or second time watching...
great words are sometimes best read several times over,
and in different times in our lives, we may understand them better or in a different way.
"we have not come to take prisoners"
we have not come here to take prisoners,
but to surrender ever more deeply
to freedom and joy.
we have not come into this exquisite world
to hold ourselves hostage from love.
run my dear,
from anything
that may not strengthen
your precious budding wings.
run like hell my dear,
from anyone likely
to put a sharp knife
into the sacred, tender vision
of your beautiful heart.
we have a duty to befriend
those aspects of obedience
that stand oustide of our house
and shout to our reason
'o please, o please,
come out and play.'
for we have not come here to take prisoners
or to confine our wondrous spirits,
but to experience ever and ever more deeply
our divine courage, freedom and
light!
~hafiz~
i think that maybe sometimes in our lives we just have to take stock, check things out, and see what's growing rampantly that maybe we didn't even notice about ourselves.
things that maybe all we really need to do is grab a set of clippers and prune away.
the other side to that coin is that what grows from it could be the best thing ever! maybe what you've been looking for and waiting for all along.
it's easy to miss sometimes, because there's lots of weeds that have pretty flowers attached to them, and it's hard to differentiate between the two.
that only means we just have to pay closer attention.
after all...
this life is ours for the taking.
why not take it and live it?
for '...we have not come here to take prisoners,
but to experience ever and ever more deeply
our divine courage, freedom,
and light!'
rock on, my friends,
and prune away!
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
it takes all kinds...
so, here we are again...
back on the page.
i've been havin some thoughts this week about the way we are.
you know how sometimes it seems that when you're with certain people, you're one person, and then with others, you're another?
kinda like that.
and sometimes, i guess too...i think i give myself a bit of a hard time about being who i am, in certain instances.
i think i've talked about that before.
being our own worst critic.
i guess there are points in life that we all just do that.
whether we are comparing ourselves to others, or just having one of those days that we wonder what the heck is going on inside our heads.
each time lately, when i begin to have a negative thought of myself, i try to remind myself that it's not that bad...
and after all, it could always be worse, right? right.
which brings me to my thought...
the world needs all kinds of people.
this is one of the things i try and remind myself of, when i think , 'honey, what are you doing?' or 'why did you just say that?'
the funny part of life is that it takes so long to get to a point that you begin to even understand who you are, why you do things, and what makes you react.
there have definitely been some times lately that i wonder to myself...'okay, i'm 43, i've been through this before, why exactly am i making these same choices, if i already know what the outcome will be?'
i have no freakin idea! i really don't!
it's completely idiotic, but there i am, doing the same thing over again.
i have decided that for no other reason than just hoping for it to be different, is why i do it. yeah...stupid...surely.
but that damn word, hope...geesh.
dreamers.
i am a dreamer.
it's ridiculous, the amount of dreaming i do.
the stories that go on in my head about what will be.
you can't even imagine.
and the hope that i have in my heart and soul...i can't even explain.
because one would think...
after you learn your lesson a few times...
there would be no dreaming...there would just be reality.
reality sets in and i gotta tell ya...it's not pretty.
but somewhere, somewhere deep inside,
that little ray of hope begins to fire up all over again.
how is it even possible for our hearts to go through the things it goes through, day in and day out, and it's still able to beat?
the amazing strength of the human heart.
it honestly knows no bounds...none!
and in all reality...
in my strange little heart...i kinda believe anything is possible.
i know it sounds ridiculous to say out loud,
but after reading story after story of the amazingness of life,
i have to say, maybe i just dream it to be true.
that anything is possible.
there are dreamers and realists.
lovers and haters.
cynics and idealists.
extroverts and introverts.
but the one thing that seems to link us all together is the need for all of them...and the need for humanity.
i found myself in an online sort of argument the other day with a total stranger...the subject area being women in sports.
and after about the 3rd reply, you start to realize that both sides of the argument that people begin to have with each other, are true, at that very moment, to the person that is arguing.
they're believing whatever it is that they're stating...
enough to keep the argument up, it seems.
for a long time in my life...i didn't have a voice...i was afraid to say anything out loud that put me on one side of the fence or the other...afraid to rock the boat or state my opinion.
always worried that i would look stupid or get all bumble-headed and the wrong words would come out of my mouth (as they do, still, when i begin to have a discussion with anyone, because i get nervous and lose my cool)...nothing comes out right then (and my heart is beating like a drum)...and then later, i always think of what i should have said.
but that makes no difference, in the end.
what makes a difference is having an opinion...and yes, even saying it out loud...just because.
you don't have to argue.
but i think it's good to break out of the habit of keeping it to yourself.
i find that there are certain things that make my heart beat, just a lil bit faster, when they are brought up in conversation.
and i know myself well enough to know, what they are.
i'm pretty sure, if you sit back and think about it...
there are certain subjects that just get you going.
you wouldn't be human, if you didn't have those things.
but that's the thing...
that's the cool thing about life!
it's great to be passionate.
the world needs passionate people...people that stand up.
people that say what they think.
yes, sometimes, it's not what you want to hear at all.
and sometimes, it can take you down a few notches.
what we have to remember is who we are.
that each and every one of us, has guiding principles.
we may not have them written down anywhere...but they're there.
we walk around with 'em everyday, and they're not the same as everyone elses, and that's okay.
maybe this is all still part of 'this i believe',
but the further i get into that book that i'm reading,
the more i know that life is so full of just about everything.
in yoga all the the time,
the different instructors are always saying...
'don't believe the lies you tell yourself'
it may sound funny.
i know for me, i lie to myself quite a bit.
believing this or that...saying i'm going to do something, that i know i won't do...thinkin total bullshit about what i'm dreamin about.
or just thinking i can't do something...can't is some kinda shitty word.
that is definitely the point that realism is important.
what happens when we can't face the truth of life?
we keep lying to ourselves.
and it just keeps building until you don't really know what's happening at all.
every once in awhile, i'm reminded of this...
and then i start over again.
you know what they say, when there is an end, there is always a beginning.
for myself, i think...yes, i'll just keep dreaming.
it's what i do.
it is who i am.
we need all kinds of people.
it may be hard to stand up, at times, but i figure, if i don't stand up, who will stand up for me?
life is full of chances for us to figure out who we are, what we want to fight for, who we ache to be, who we want to be with, and where we want to go.
i'm still tryin to figure it all out...who isn't, i guess?
i guess if we can just be true to ourselves,
that could solve part of the battle all together.
no fences, no walls, no armour.
just you.
that could be a good start.
and here i go...beginning again.
i know one thing, for sure...
i can't be anyone but me...no matter what anyone says or thinks about me.
it's something i struggle with less and less, as i get older...
but i still manage to be too hard on myself about being me.
maybe a lil reminder to all of us...
we're all sort of perfect in our own lil imperfect ways.
whatever it is.
roll it out there, and believe in what you do or say.
be the truth.
it's all you got.
just go from there.
it's a good start.
back on the page.
i've been havin some thoughts this week about the way we are.
you know how sometimes it seems that when you're with certain people, you're one person, and then with others, you're another?
kinda like that.
and sometimes, i guess too...i think i give myself a bit of a hard time about being who i am, in certain instances.
i think i've talked about that before.
being our own worst critic.
i guess there are points in life that we all just do that.
whether we are comparing ourselves to others, or just having one of those days that we wonder what the heck is going on inside our heads.
each time lately, when i begin to have a negative thought of myself, i try to remind myself that it's not that bad...
and after all, it could always be worse, right? right.
which brings me to my thought...
the world needs all kinds of people.
this is one of the things i try and remind myself of, when i think , 'honey, what are you doing?' or 'why did you just say that?'
the funny part of life is that it takes so long to get to a point that you begin to even understand who you are, why you do things, and what makes you react.
there have definitely been some times lately that i wonder to myself...'okay, i'm 43, i've been through this before, why exactly am i making these same choices, if i already know what the outcome will be?'
i have no freakin idea! i really don't!
it's completely idiotic, but there i am, doing the same thing over again.
i have decided that for no other reason than just hoping for it to be different, is why i do it. yeah...stupid...surely.
but that damn word, hope...geesh.
dreamers.
i am a dreamer.
it's ridiculous, the amount of dreaming i do.
the stories that go on in my head about what will be.
you can't even imagine.
and the hope that i have in my heart and soul...i can't even explain.
because one would think...
after you learn your lesson a few times...
there would be no dreaming...there would just be reality.
reality sets in and i gotta tell ya...it's not pretty.
but somewhere, somewhere deep inside,
that little ray of hope begins to fire up all over again.
how is it even possible for our hearts to go through the things it goes through, day in and day out, and it's still able to beat?
the amazing strength of the human heart.
it honestly knows no bounds...none!
and in all reality...
in my strange little heart...i kinda believe anything is possible.
i know it sounds ridiculous to say out loud,
but after reading story after story of the amazingness of life,
i have to say, maybe i just dream it to be true.
that anything is possible.
there are dreamers and realists.
lovers and haters.
cynics and idealists.
extroverts and introverts.
but the one thing that seems to link us all together is the need for all of them...and the need for humanity.
i found myself in an online sort of argument the other day with a total stranger...the subject area being women in sports.
and after about the 3rd reply, you start to realize that both sides of the argument that people begin to have with each other, are true, at that very moment, to the person that is arguing.
they're believing whatever it is that they're stating...
enough to keep the argument up, it seems.
for a long time in my life...i didn't have a voice...i was afraid to say anything out loud that put me on one side of the fence or the other...afraid to rock the boat or state my opinion.
always worried that i would look stupid or get all bumble-headed and the wrong words would come out of my mouth (as they do, still, when i begin to have a discussion with anyone, because i get nervous and lose my cool)...nothing comes out right then (and my heart is beating like a drum)...and then later, i always think of what i should have said.
but that makes no difference, in the end.
what makes a difference is having an opinion...and yes, even saying it out loud...just because.
you don't have to argue.
but i think it's good to break out of the habit of keeping it to yourself.
i find that there are certain things that make my heart beat, just a lil bit faster, when they are brought up in conversation.
and i know myself well enough to know, what they are.
i'm pretty sure, if you sit back and think about it...
there are certain subjects that just get you going.
you wouldn't be human, if you didn't have those things.
but that's the thing...
that's the cool thing about life!
it's great to be passionate.
the world needs passionate people...people that stand up.
people that say what they think.
yes, sometimes, it's not what you want to hear at all.
and sometimes, it can take you down a few notches.
what we have to remember is who we are.
that each and every one of us, has guiding principles.
we may not have them written down anywhere...but they're there.
we walk around with 'em everyday, and they're not the same as everyone elses, and that's okay.
maybe this is all still part of 'this i believe',
but the further i get into that book that i'm reading,
the more i know that life is so full of just about everything.
in yoga all the the time,
the different instructors are always saying...
'don't believe the lies you tell yourself'
it may sound funny.
i know for me, i lie to myself quite a bit.
believing this or that...saying i'm going to do something, that i know i won't do...thinkin total bullshit about what i'm dreamin about.
or just thinking i can't do something...can't is some kinda shitty word.
that is definitely the point that realism is important.
what happens when we can't face the truth of life?
we keep lying to ourselves.
and it just keeps building until you don't really know what's happening at all.
every once in awhile, i'm reminded of this...
and then i start over again.
you know what they say, when there is an end, there is always a beginning.
for myself, i think...yes, i'll just keep dreaming.
it's what i do.
it is who i am.
we need all kinds of people.
it may be hard to stand up, at times, but i figure, if i don't stand up, who will stand up for me?
life is full of chances for us to figure out who we are, what we want to fight for, who we ache to be, who we want to be with, and where we want to go.
i'm still tryin to figure it all out...who isn't, i guess?
i guess if we can just be true to ourselves,
that could solve part of the battle all together.
no fences, no walls, no armour.
just you.
that could be a good start.
and here i go...beginning again.
i know one thing, for sure...
i can't be anyone but me...no matter what anyone says or thinks about me.
it's something i struggle with less and less, as i get older...
but i still manage to be too hard on myself about being me.
maybe a lil reminder to all of us...
we're all sort of perfect in our own lil imperfect ways.
whatever it is.
roll it out there, and believe in what you do or say.
be the truth.
it's all you got.
just go from there.
it's a good start.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)