FTS...

so, yes, it seems it has been awhile...
I don't really have a good reason...
except to say...
well...
I was living my life...
sometimes it gets away from me...
but i'm just gonna jump right in here and say what I need to say...
"fuck that shit"
okay, okay, okay...
yes, I do realize perhaps its not the way to start a blog after a long absence, but maybe I should go back a little and explain myself...
how bout that?
in this passed year I've seen a lot happen, a lot has happened to me, and well, I guess I've felt a lot.
I don't know about you guys, but I know for me, i'm constantly questioning and thinking and contemplating where it is I even belong in this life...
what am I doing?
     where am I going?
          who am I?
                    and if I know where i'm going, what is the best route to get there?
it's these daily questions that sometimes leave me totally and utterly frustrated, and mostly sleepless, I can't lie...
there have been many days in this year that has passed us by that I've wondered if I am enough...
     enough to fight for...
            enough to take a chance on...
                    enough to succeed (my version of success, of course, is totally not enough either, I might
                                                           add...haha)
                                and enough to love.
yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
a lot of freaking questions!
but here's the thing...
and it's no small thing either...it's the biggest thing I do know...
at the end of every single day, i'm hoping that I've made some kind of impact on somebody that I've come across...
I hope also to do a good job, wherever i'm working.
      I hope to be a good daughter and sister.
               I hope to be a thoughtful, kind, and loving person in general.
                        and when it comes to love, I hope to love bigger, stronger, and wilder, without regard
                                    or regret.
these are the most simple things in life, truly.
and yes, I fail at each one of them, sometimes all at the same time, sometimes individually, but each day that the sun comes up, I make strides to do it all over again.
to live and to learn and to grow.
it's funny because writing this blog, I have repeated myself like crazy.
it's almost as if it is my mantra.
to be a broken record sometimes just means you stand for something...that you believe in something.
this passed year I've discovered so many things about myself and what I want and what I need.
during that I've tried to be as introspective as possible without falling completely apart, because let's just say, if we look deep inside of ourselves and we don't necessarily love what we see, we have to somehow take it all in, regroup, and rebuild to the best version of ourselves possible.
now, of course, that doesn't mean constant success and rainbows and stars, but it does mean that there are days that you think, 'holy shit, I see something great here, and maybe that's me!'
haha!
or then again...'epic fail, that's definitely me!'  haha!
but either way...dusting off and giving it a go each time you get pummeled to the ground (yes, I've been watching a lot of 'Friday night lights' lately...haha!), now there's something to be said for trying trying trying...
a lot actually.
I admittedly give myself a good talking to many days when i'm on what I like to call my 'rock walk'.
it's a lil 45 minute jaunt that has pretty much saved my head and heart this year.
I do completely believe in the power of positive thinking, and what's in our heads can totally decide what ends up happening to the rest of our body during our days out there, in the jungle of the so called real world.
I would totally recommend havin your own version of a 'rock walk' in your lives.  it gets all the frustrations of life out, and if you can, make it outdoors so you can see what's around you and how damn beautiful it is to be alive.
it's the shizzzzzzzzzzzznet!  :)
so, here's where I do finally explain 'fuck that shit'.
sorry, mom, by the way, I know you hate that language, but I do love you...just sayin.
during my walks I go through what i'm struggling with that day or I vent or I try and just pump myself up...
because, well, we all need to be pumped up to survive this deal.
I try and recognize that what I want in life is to be full...is to be alive...is to be high in life...is to be courageous...is to be fearless...
and the only possible way to do that is to be vulnerable...
walls down, no guard up, and relentless...
the only way to fully know how it feels is to not be afraid to be smashed flat.
the end game, I guess you'd say is that I want to live.
and part of putting yourself completely out there, is to know that you could very easily fail in the biggest of ways, but you do it anyway because you have to see and you have to know and you have to feel.
what is life for except for living?????????????????
I think each of us may have different paths and wants and needs in this life (things to work on, god knows I do) and it's up to us to figure those things/priorities/desires/necessities...
but...
maybe we should all just try and live the best we can, to the best of our abilities, and learn every time that we stumble and fall, that the only way to apply all of that learning, is to get the hell back up, and keep moving forward.
so, yep to all of that, I say...fuck that shit :)
go for the things you want, say what you need to say, and love right out loud and in person.
in other words...live live live!!!!!!!!!!!

"life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "wow! what a ride!"
~hunter s. Thompson~

just around the corner...

just around the corner...
Christmas...
and a brand spanking new year...
wow...
the older I get, the quicker it all seems to go by...
when you're young...
you constantly hear that lil line...
and you shove it off, and laugh, thinkin, 'those oldsters, they don't know anything'...
yep...
they kinda do...
and hell...
I am now probably, by many, considered one of the oldsters...
haha...
well...for sure by the people that I work with...
they're all, just young guys between the ages of 18 and 30...
days gone by for me.
oh well...
i'm realizing more and more how lil that age number matters.
funny enough, I still think i'm around 27 or so...
especially when I hear my favorite song on the radio or Pandora...
automatically, there's loud singing and most likely some dancing happening, depending on the song...
yes, mam, there is...
music...yep...it's part of your soul...it's part of your heart.
I also get that feelin of youth when playin just about anything...
all the world around you, all your problems, all those damn stresses of life, just fall away, like crumbling cookies when you've ransacked the that hallowed jar of oreo's or figgies...
yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
that feeling that all is right in the world.
all that shit we worry over...
the bills...work...goals...relationships...family...money...love...health...
or lack there-of...to all of it.
when you're in the midst of that song...or are running down a Frisbee, catching it behind your back...hittin the perfect drive down the fairway...spinnin as hard and as fast as you can...
all of those things...those worries...those problems...
they just fall away, if only for those instant moments.
god, those moments are so damn nice...
when you forget it all.
and just live.
simple and easy.
it's what life is meant to be, but somehow, and some way, we tend to make it so much harder than it needs to be.
whether it be by trying too hard, thinking too much, or just not knowing how to let go.
it should definitely be more simple.
the cool thing about all of it is that even during those moments that we are having difficulty, with whatever it is, that it only lasts a certain amount of time.
it is just temporary.  bad and good.
we can survive.
we will make it through.
the sun comes up every day.
every damn day. (well, except today...being it rained most of it...but you get the gist)
and the moon has soooooooooooooooooooooo many phases.
one of my absolute favorite parts of nature and of life...those phases...yep.
it kinda makes you know that life is moving forward...always...
and no matter what we do or don't do...it will continue to move forward.
we can try and stand still and hold out for whatever it is we are waiting for...
but whether we like it or not...life keeps rolling....and we have to keep walkin with it.
the truth of all of that is...from where I stand...life is good.
it may not be understandable somedays...a lot of days, for that matter...
but that in no way means we should stop tryin to figure it out and maybe try and understand as much as we can.
learning and growing should never cease, no matter our age.
it's kinda part of the beauty of life as well...
seeing stuff  we've never seen...feeling things we didn't know possible...learning something when we thought we knew all there is to know...knowing ourselves more deeply and more genuinely than we ever thought we'd want to...and letting ourselves be vulnerable when the fear of losing it all is almost something you can taste, but you do it anyway.
yes...that is something more beautiful than any words I can type on this page.
I've decided that there are so many more possibilities in this life time that even at this moment, we don't know them, but they will come to us, like a breeze or a flash of lightning or a raindrop (something that simple, but that complex can change your life in an instant)...
and there we are...
in the midst of it...
it's our choice at that moment...
to go with it and see what can become...
or run like hell, the other way to something safe, away from danger, fear, and hurt.
i'd like to think that one day, i'll be less fearful of that flash...
that maybe i'll stand firmly and say, 'bring it on, i'm ready, I can take it'...
so, here's my thought...
maybe in this new year, we can hang up those running shoes (proverbial running shoes, of course...because as we know, exercise, well, it's an essential part of life and love and the pursuits of happiness...and i'm not joking at all about that...haha)...
but yes, hang them up...maybe throw on some spikes or cleats, and dig in...
and face that shit, head on...
slap our fucking fears in the face and watch them cry.
I, for one, am exhausted at the amount of things I worry over, I think about obsessively, and run from constantly.  screw that.
let's stand up and say, 'whatever it is you've got, i'm way bigger, and I can take you'...
as those youngsters say...like a boss ;)

dream dream dream...

i'm just gonna jump right in...
not to waste time...
because lately it seems, I've wasted a lot...
and maybe i'm learnin that life shouldn't be wasted...
ever...
so, come along with me on this lil journey of a blog I've got goin on...
today, as many other days as of late, I went on a walk to my pier...
mostly I've been doing it without music, but today I decided I needed some tune-age...
it was a pretty great walk...I popped my ipod on shuffle and just listened to whatever came up...
this day was sorta strangely beautiful actually...it didn't seem like it would be, until I walked over the dunes, and looked out at the ocean, and it was smooth but wavey, and the seagulls were just havin a good time, and the light from the sun, made it all seem so unreal...like it wasn't really happening...like it was a computer screen at the highest pixel setting ever...clear but cloudy...
very weird...but way cool, I can't lie...
I kept walking and lookin over at it, thinkin to myself, 'wow, are you real?!'...haha!  and yes, I did laugh right out loud, thinkin how cool it was :)
anyways, these are some of the thoughts that came to me while I walked...
because I don't know about you, but when I walk outdoors, there's something that happens inside of me, that makes me contemplate just about everything...from where my life is going or not, to how I want to live, to how I want to love, to what my day in general is going to be like or maybe has been already...
basically, I solve all of my problems or at least think them all out, whilst on my walkin adventures...
there's just something about a walk outdoors.
and admittedly so, I do talk out loud to myself...I've been caught a time or two, which always makes me laugh...but honestly, sometimes just like reading something amazing, when its done out loud, it seems more real or more concrete if it is out loud.
call me strange...yes, that's fine...but hey, to each his own right?  right :)
so, I was thinking about a conversation I had with a friend the other day about finding sharks teeth, and she said that this guy that she knows was telling her that the mistake a lot of people make while hunting for them is that they aren't looking for the big ones...that they are missing out on them because they're thinkin too small...
well...
that sort of made me think about that in life terms today, while I was walking...I wasn't looking for sharks teeth, nope...but I was thinkin about how all of us think too small sometimes...
that our expectations are so small or non-existent, that that's exactly what we get, small things or nothing at all...
and then we wonder why it is that the other guy next to us, has such big things...(and no, I'm not talkin material things necessarily)
that maybe in order to do these big things or get what we dream of, we need to start dreaming bigger, expecting more, strive for more, I guess this list could go on and on...
but you get the gist...
maybe one of the problems is that we're afraid to dream too big, because then we'll be let down when and if it doesn't happen...
but shit shit shit...isn't that all part of life?!
believe me, I've had many people tell me that old quote, 'if you don't have any expectations, you won't be let down'...
truth is...I totally think that's bullshit too...yes, you can believe what you want to believe, but to me, there's always expectation, and if you don't have any expectations, then the bar is pretty damn low...
and who are we, if we set the bar low?????!!!!!!
nothing and nobody, that's who we are...
I don't know about you...but fuck that...I don't want to be nobody or nothing...
not in the fucking least! 
so, here's a thought for the day...
you know how they say, put what you want out in the universe, and it will present itself to you...
whether you pray to God, whether you dream, whether it's Buddha, or whether it's cagney and lacey who is your higher power...
whatever it is...
believe in it...do it...and dream bigger!!!!!!!!!!
in the last couple years I have seen oh so many things come to light, that I've put out there...and have been so astounded by the fact that all I did was say it outloud that it's what I wanted...
a few times it has actually brought me to tears by the surprise of it all...
I've got to say though, that there are times that I know without a doubt that I've sold myself short, whether it be not dreaming big enough, or taking whatever I get (which there is an art to the gratitude of that as well, being happy with what you have, which make no mistake, I am very grateful and lucky to be where I am and to be who I am and have what I have)...
my life is very simple...
and many people say to me how envious they are of this life...
I like it simple...
but I think too, that, well, it's as simple as it is because I've tamed my dreams throughout the years because of the fear of failure of not being good enough to reach that dream...
that, in and of itself, is a failure...
not dreaming...
pshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhht...there's no excuse for that...
we're never too old to dream.
never.
ever.
so go...
dream big...
why not?
what in the world would life be like without dreams?  what would this world be like without dreams?! 
don't be afraid...
fear gets in the way of wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too many things in our lives...
let's make a pact, to just not let it be...
dreaming brings color and texture to life...
and if you live it...
then it will bring life to life...yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
dream, my friends, dream.

"impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they've been given than explore the power they have to change it.  impossible is not a fact.  it's an opinion.  impossible is not a declaration.  it's a dare.  impossible is potential.  impossible is temporary.  impossible is nothing."  ~Muhammad ali~

sliding and growing...

middle of august...
wow!
I can't believe it's here!
knowin that pro football pre-season is happenin means many things...
that basically, summer is slowly make it's way out the door...
noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...
durin the winter months I always long for those salty, lazy beach days...
ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yessssssssssssssss...
another school year starts, and most of my friends have to get back on track and on schedule for kids and things...
which makes the weekends even more longed for...
even if i'm still a service girl...so that's never a sure thing, if you know what I mean.
anyways...yep...here we are, mid-august...
and here I am, still in deep thought of the next best thing that will happen in my life...
something that I must make happen.
gosh, I gotta tell ya...I have no idea some days what i'm doin, and i'm quite sure that it shows most days...haha!
the even funnier part of that is that it's bothering me less and less.
or maybe that's not so funny in some ways...
which brings me to something that happened to me the other day that made me think of my life and how it is and where i'm going (which I can't lie, i'm not goin many places, honestly, just where i'm lead, I guess, which i'm learnin as I get older, isn't such a bad thing)
I was out with a couple friends the other night at a local spot, just havin a couple brews and catching up, when I ran into a friend that I hadn't seen in quite awhile...
we traded hello's and how are things, and he walked away...
but later he came back with his girlfriend.
she's this really amazing person...full of vim and vigor...intelligent...go getter...and always completely great conversation can be had with this girl...very very cool.
so, basically, we begin catching up, and somehow get on the subject of life and where it's leading.
at one point, she stops and just asks me...'what are your goals, honey?'
I possibly looked like a deer in the headlights...no lie...I got really quiet and then I looked at her and sort of laughed a bit out loud, and nothing came out of my mouth that made any sense...
at all.
haha!
I mean, I just sat there, and stumbled through an explanation of how I felt about life.
right now.
that my goals were more simple than what they used to be.
and probably a lot smaller too.
I felt myself begin to feel as small as what my goals seem to be these days, sittin there, on that stool in that local joint, music playin in the background, people cheering for whatever team they were watching on the multitude of TV's.
yeah...
there I was...
without a goal.
she looked at me, and told me, it's never too late to start, that right now might be the perfect time in my life to start going for things and changing my life around.
we finished our conversation, said our goodbyes and went on our separate ways.
I woke up the next morning, and headed to work, all the while, feelin this naggin sensation that I had no goals.
one of waking thoughts that morning was, 'holy shit, i'm a loser, I have no real goals anymore'...
yeah...not the best way to start the day...haha...
but here's the thing, and there's always a thing right?  yeah, there is...
thinkin all of this through, I do realize a few things about who I am and why i'm the way I am...
and they might not truly be things I should admit out loud...
but for the sake of being honest, which is one of the reasons I write this blog, is to share and maybe make others know that maybe they're not alone...
and yes, I do know that there are days that we all feel very alone...trust me, I do.
as I've gotten older my goals have changed drastically...most definitely.
and through the search of tryin to live more simply, I've simplified what I actually need.
these things are small.
food, shelter, family, and friends.
I look at this list.
and I have it all.
literally.
I couldn't be any luckier.
honestly.
I type this with a tears in my eyes, because I've finally come to this point in my life, that I don't need to lie to myself or anyone else about who I am and about where I'm going or where i'm not going.
I know that to the outside world I am just a bagslinger...I put tips in my pocket...and I live off them.
my goals somedays are just to work and to workout, and have a good day...have coffee...watch the sun rise...play something outside...and be kind (let me just say, i fail at this one somewhat often)...
yeah.
not changing the world.
true.
thinkin about how this part of me that used to dream about these things i would do or accomplish scares me a lil bit, after that conversation, because i don't know where that person went.
if she just quit or just rearranged her view on how life was gonna turn out.
because maybe i just gave up.
or maybe i'm just getting up each day and seeing where it leads me.
i don't know...i really don't.
i know there's more out there, i do.
i think the scariest part of that question is that maybe I've turned into this person that doesn't need more or isn't willin to go to great lengths to get there.
if anything, it's made me more aware that in certain parts of my life, I've not set the bar very high, I've just let it be and just moved on from there, and kinda let it go.
like it's a fact of life.
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
i'm not so sure that's how i need to see things, but right now, it's the way i do.
so, you see, one conversation, in a bar...
and here i am.
wondering what to do next.
but most importantly, without comparing myself to anyone else.
successes and failures.  they add up.
they bring us to the top and they take us down to the very bottom.
i have to believe that we're all here for different reasons...
reasons not everyone will understand or see.
but that makes no matter.
honestly, it doesn't.
i think the cool part of life, is that everyday we get to decide...
so yep, maybe i'll start adding a couple goals to my already awesomely loaded list.
one's that make me get out of my comfort zone...scare me a lil bit...and make me grow.
it's so easy to slide by...and forget that we have the power to change our lives...
but then again...
sliding is pretty damn fun too...
maybe a good balance of sliding and growing.
yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...could be key to life.
sliding and growing :)
well, that...and knowin who you are.

"the privilege of a lifetime is being who you are." ~joseph campbell~

things worth havin...

hello...
hola...
good morning...
and como estas?
yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
today, I decided i'd throw out something quickly...
because yes, there's a sling in my near future...
and well...it's not the sling i'm lookin forward to, but it's where I make the living that let's me live the life I do...
so, i'm just gonna go with it today...
and today, i'm writing, for the first time, in my new lil spot that I've concocted in my lil hovel of a place on this beautiful and restful north end of things...
the music today, is playing, and the music of choice is sara bareilles...
yep...
brave is starting off my blog today...
...I want to see you be brave...
I sorta love this song...
the thought of it...
the feeling of it...
and the dream of it...
I mean, seriously, right?
gosh, you guys, this life of ours...well, it's just full of choices isn't it?
so we choose, daily...
what we want, what we need, what we see our lives to be, and where we want to be.
it's a never ending cycle of choices...
of living...
and it's exactly that...
we should be living!  always!
we should be selfish in this choice sometimes...
because the more we live...the more others around us will live...
if you think no one is noticing your choices and your living...
you're wrong...you're totally wrong.
you, my friends, are an example and an inspiration, whether you know it or not...to everyone!
and sometimes...yep, sometimes,  you have to be your own inspiration.
you have to get up, look in that mirror of yours, and inspire!
yes, yes, yes...there will be mistakes, big and small, along the way...
but who cares...learn from them, and keep making them...
if you're not makin them, then you're not living.
the worst choice of all is to not make a choice.
to not walk out your door, fall into holes, jump fences, run like crazy, or stroll right through the middle of a dance or two, hell, maybe just lay right in the middle of the street and laugh about it...
I don't know what kind of sense anything makes sometimes.
but there are days, many of them maybe, that won't make sense, that we're not meant to understand, until we are meant to...
fall...and fall hard...
but get up and look around...
smile when things seem way too hard...cry when you just can't hold it in...
it's all okay.
because the truth is...
this is life.
the juice of it...is living...good...bad...easy...hard...crazy...sexy...passionate..
.fucked up...wild...funny...sad...lonely...astonishing...overwhelming...
playful...
without understanding...
annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd loving.
let your heart beat like it's coming out of your chest...
don't be scared...
the last few days I've come across a few pretty cool quotes that explain it all...
or maybe just make me feel better...
so, I thought i'd share them with you...
maybe they can inspire or show you something you need, somewhere in your lives...
one can only hope...
and sometimes, honestly, that's all there is to get you through the day...
hope...plain and simple.

"forget safety.
live where you fear to live.
destroy your reputation.
be notorious."  ~rumi~

"we do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us something is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch.
once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiousity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit."  ~e.e. Cummings~

so, with that...
I say...
believe...
in you.
be notorious.
if you want.
risk.
and find your spirit.
however you find it...
it will be worth it.
you are worth it.
last but not least...
be brave.

patience, child, patience....

so, here I am...
in my lil apartment...
Pandora playin softly...yep...brandi carlile station...soft and easy...
thinkin it may just be the way to write today...
soft and easy...hmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
well, as I sit here, there are so many things to say...
but, at the moment, i'm a bit unsure of where to start...
so, i'm gonna start by sayin...this past month...it's been a hard one...
but I've noticed through it all, and being aware of my surroundings... people, places, and things and such...
I've noticed a lot of commotion actually.
in the world...in this small town...in people's hearts...in life, in general.
it feels like sometimes, all of this searching can make you feel more lost than being lost.
haha!
there have been moments in this last month that I literally thought, maybe I was losing it, for real...but then right after that moment, these bits and pieces of clarity always seem to pop up...
not sure why it happens that way...
but maybe it's because hope is always around the corner.
something like that, I think.
at least, I think that's what I have to believe.
always lil signs poppin up here and there, right when you need them.
maybe it's life's lil way of keepin us alive, feelin like there's possibility in every breath, or sunshine after a hard storm...
oh, gosh, I don't even know...
but I can tell you this...life is so fucking full of surprises...it really is! 
if you don't believe me...start paying attention to things that happen around you...and what order they happen...and the things that you wish for out loud...
it's powerful...and if you're paying attention...you'll be insanely astounded by the machine of life itself...holy shit, for real! 
as low as things can seem to get...those highs...oooooooooowwwweeeeeeeeeeee...
there's nothing like them.
funny thing is, recently, I had a bout with back spasms...
as always, in life, it was just at the time that I thought, man, things suck right now...
but just then, I couldn't walk...getting out of bed took 10 minutes, to figure out somehow how to get to the bathroom was a pain like I can't explain...sweats and shakes to stand on my own two feet.
yep...these are the times, that one thinks...oh, man, I should have a room mate...hahahahaha!
so, when I thought it couldn't get worse in my heart...my body broke down...
so there I was, stuck in my bed for a couple days, literally...
stuck in my own thoughts about my life, at that moment...
there was no escape...at all! 
talk about havin to face your ghosts and demons...
nothing like being stuck in your room with no emergency escape route...wowzers!  haha!
the things you have taken for granted seem impossible, right there, in those very moments.
I found myself prayin that the next day I would be able to take only 5 minutes to get out of bed...hahahaha!  yeah, you begin to think it will never go away...
the thought of just rolling over without havin this jolting sensation down your legs and up your back...that's like a dream!
lookin back at that, the first morning I could actually get up without a lot of pain, I felt like the world had been given back to me...
I stretched and slowly got back to normal...whatever normal is...of course, all of you know very well, honey fucking deacon...i'll never be normal...ahaha!
not even possible!
but the thing is...wow...life hits you, just that way...
usually my back spasms come in one felled swoop...
this one was gradual...lil by lil it came to me...and knocked me right out.
point is...
it can be fast and hard...or it can a gradual process...
but it happens no matter what.
change happens...bad and good...whether we are ready for it, or not.
somehow I've been tryin to figure out how to just work my way through it, without losing who I am, and remembering that pain and joy are just temporary...
but they always come and go...
it's just that way.
with light there is always dark.
I guess it's all in the way we look at it too.
as human beings, we're all sort of afraid of the things we don't know or can't control.
but do we always need control?  I just don't know...I tend to think not.
I do know that, for me, sometimes, or maybe more than I am willing to admit, I like to have some sort of feeling of control...
and in some instances, we can have that.
we decide a lot of things for ourselves, in our own lives...
but all the stuff that is not ours, well, it's just not in our control.
hearts and minds and souls...they are free!
as for me...i'd like to live this life with love in mind.
I just want to...I feel like it's part of who I am.
saying this, doesn't make anything easier....that's the funny part, right?
so, maybe, I think, as much as we can, in our own lives, we just have to figure out for ourselves who we are, what we want, how we want to love, and how we want to live...
and mostly this happens as we go along, right there, in the moment, as we're living...
we're jumping, dodging, ducking, running, walking backwards, sprinting like hell, and sometimes even standing completely still, watching the moment overtake us.
that's the hard part isn't it?
knowing how to move...
or maybe just moving with the ebb and flow of it all...
hoping for some parts of it to hit home and make sense.
I think if we pay attention and listen to our hearts, we'll know more possibly, than any book or any opinion anyone else could ever do for us.
but most importantly...we have to just live through it.
feel all of the shit you feel.  see for yourself what it is. 
and don't be scared away.
we all have power to do anything we want and be who we want to be and love who we love...
it's not up to anyone else.
there are one million quotes, possibly two million, that say all the power that you need is already within you...
that may seem like a lot smoke, blowing up your ass...
but believe me...it's not.
we all have it.
so, maybe today and each day, take a look at yourself in the mirror, and know that you're the best friend you've got...be a good one.
decide what you want.
and do it.
i'll leave you with this quote I came across quite awhile back, but just came back to me recently, when I opened my lil quote book that I write in...here ya go...read it out loud...don't worry, no one is looking...but if they are...pshhhhhhhhhhhhhhht...who cares?!  ;)

"patience, child, patience.  remember, life is a journey.  if you got everything you wanted all at once there'd be no point to living.  enjoy the ride, and in the end you'll see these 'set backs' as giant leaps forward, only you couldn't see the bigger picture in the moment.  remain calm, all is within reach;  all you have to do is showup everyday, stay true to your path and you will surely find the treasure you seek." ~Jackson kiddard~

+'s

soooooooooooooooo, here I sit...
cup of chicory, steaming next to me...
the day is cloudy, damp, and wildly windy...for an april day in florida...
my washer churning away, washin off the week's sweat and tears...(I know what you're thinkin, it's only Wednesday, the week is only half way gone, but alas, i'm a slinger, the last six days have been chock full of slingin...yep yep...life of a service girl)
but...as it is my day off, and if I were telling the truth, right here, right now...
I could actually admit that it's okay that it's that way...
that sometimes a cloudy, dreary day is a welcomed day in sunny florida...
then as all of my friends and I agree with, you don't have to feel guilty about staying indoors and sprawlin out....right?!  righhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhht :)
because when that sun does choose to come out, and the waves are rolling in, the birds are chirping, bees are buzzing, breeze is blowing just enough....yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, those days, it's hard to stay in and feel okay about it.
you feel as if you should just jump on the closest bike and ride through your neighborhood, or ride downtown...
as if you should go to the beach and breathe all that salt air that you can...
as if eating outdoors is the only rational choice...
heck...there were days that I've been thinkin about recently, in Portland, that if the sun came out, i'd quickly walk out my door and just lean against my lil cube, close my eyes, and dream of warmth and sunlight and life...
yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh :)
it's truly amazing what a lil sunshine will do to your attitude, your soul, your mind, your body!
it's the change in all things good!
it's funny, but I sat down to write something completely different today, but find myself clinging to the thoughts of my love for sunshine...
of the fact that, most of the year, i'm dreaming of summer...hahahahhaha!
I truly am!
it's unavoidable!
there's something about summer time that feels like a constant celebration to me.
I think of the past few years of my life...and mostly my favorite moments have been spent with an amazing crew of people...playing and lounging and drinking and singing and dancing and swimming and boogie boarding (yep, i'm the dorky 46 year old that loves my boogie board, immensely!  haha!)
in fact, my board is leaning against the wall in my living room...
it's kind of its permanent resting spot, til I use it again...
and in those warm water days that I love so dearly, sometimes it's what gets me through my day at work, if i'm on the morning shift, I drive down our lil beach road, hopin that there are a few waves, callin my name...
that childlike experience of pushing myself off into one and feeling the water splash into my eyes, and hold me til i'm touching the sand with my hands...
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, yessssssssssssssssss, it makes me smile right this moment...
but I can recall, just smiling as I get back up and slide back out to catch the next one...
doesn't matter at all if i'm the only one on the beach that day.
that salt water is the ultimate cleanser of all bad things in your day...
it can make you forget the shit that happens along the way.
and here's the thing...
I was talkin to a friend of mine the other day...
and we were discussing work, I think, about being frustrated or just feeling disgruntled, which, of course bled into talkin about other things that get on our nerves...
she was asking for advice about what to do...is this right? or is that right?  choices and decisions...frustrations and disappointments...fears and commitment...
too much to worry over somedays!!!! 
so, I was sittin there, thinkin of what the right thing to say was...and this is what came to me...
I think that sometimes, it's easy to get pressed into the minuses of our life...we see them and they seem to multiply, like lil babies or something...we can get caught up in them, feelin like they're takin over our lives...but here's the thing we have to remember...we must remember!  at the end of the day, there are also pluses...we all have them...sooooooooooooo, we need to think about these pluses, say them out loud even...
on any given day, if you're walkin into whatever you're walkin into...
carry those pluses with you...
I told her that she always had a few pluses in her pocket...no matter what.
and when that moment comes, that overwhelming moment of minus...
just reach down in that pocket and pull out those pluses...
they are there...like a sword of light, to fight off whatever is coming after you.
so, maybe right now, while you're reading this (and if you are, thank you, oh so very much!) make a lil mental list of your pluses...
sometimes they are ever changing...but there are some that are the constant pluses...I think that maybe those are the ones that we should put in our back pockets and walk into our days with...
yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I do believe it's true :)
one of mine is...you guessed it...is that beach that's across the street from me...
can't imagine my life without it.
plus :)