resting on the mouse...

it's funny, as i was sitting here, in my window spot...
trying to decide whether or not i had anything to write today,
my hand was resting on the mouse,
but i was afraid to click, just in case i began to type,
and had nothing of consequence to say. haha!
i literally sat here for several minutes,
unsure of the click. haha!
completely funny, right?
i'm seriously laughing at myself at the moment,
because then i realized as well...that if i didn't have anything to say,
i could just hit cancel...no big thing.
amazing the amount of stress we put on ourselves to perform...
and here i am...performing.
anyways, that being said and done...
maybe i should just tell you what i usually do...
stories.
as most of you are recovering from thanksgiving feasts and families...
i am too.
it was actually quite an amazing and lovely week, truth be told.
my three brothers were here, and it may have been the first time in 10 years or more that we've all been together for a holiday.
so, yeah...it was pretty fabulous, to say the least.
loads of food, drink, stories, laughter, jokes, pictures, kids running around, hugging and kissing (well, because in my family, we're an affectionate crew of people, mostly you can't be in the room with someone, and not touch them, in some way, that's how we roll. if you've been around us, you pretty much know this)
anyways, thanksgiving always seems to be a build up for the days to come.
reuniting with family and friends...
it's definitely a time that you can look on and know that you are surrounded...
by love.
now...don't get me wrong...
family doesn't always mean love...
but in the end...
through the arguments...
the breaking of plates and martini glasses...
knife fights (that's for you stevo)...
complete disagreements about politics and the world...
about how we should or shouldn't be raising our kids...
to drink or not to drink...
all these things that can make you walk away from the table...
what brings us back?
that makes you look across the table,
and still be thankful that they are there...
that makes you say...'hey, i don't agree with you...but i love you, just the same'.
whether it be family or friends...
it's a beautiful thing to be able to fight through...
and love...
and end up laughing at each other,
because of the way we look, while we're fighting.
yes, there are a lot of serious things that go on in this world,
most definitely,
but i think the thing that makes all of that bearable...
is who we surround ourselves with.
it's an interesting thing in life, as we grow older, to figure out what people we'd rather be around...the people that we choose to call friends are many times different from who we would have chosen as children...
the things that matter the most are usually 180 degrees different from what we thought when we were 12 years old. (thank god, eh? haha!)
although life was more simple then...
there were times, i'm sure, that we worried about what others thought...
more than we needed to.
there are times that i feel that sense of worry now,
and i have to remind myself of who i am...
who i've been becoming for these 42 years...almost 43 now.
and who i will continue to become...
by constant study, reading, and learning...hopefully growing through all this.
our parents, when we were small, would tell us...
'pick your friends, don't let them pick you'
it's funny to think of that...
but oh, so true.
i don't know about you, but it's a good day to me, when i can sit with my friends, and share food or a glass of wine, a cup of coffee...whatever really...and just sit...and soak in the goodness of community...
the feeling that these people that i've chosen to share myself with...
are people that care deeply for me, for what happens to me...
and i, for them.
it's amazing, in the grand scheme of things...
of all that goes on in this crazy ass world...
how good it can make you feel...
to just know that they are there.
it makes all the difference to me, of that i am sure.
as i've told you before, i've been reading this book, 'freedom from the known'...
by krishnamurti...
it's been a struggle, to say the least,
because many things he says...make sense...but also are so out there...
i have to admit, it kinda scares me to think that there was this man that was so unbelievabley open minded about life...about everything.
wow!
i'd love to strive to be this way, but as i read this last chapter,
that i was making my way through...it did make me wonder if it was possible...
but he said something pretty interesting and funny, at the end of it...
about we, as people, in general, looking at things, and wanting to take time to think them over and decide how we should or shouldn't feel about it...
and what he says is this (bear in mind, this chapter was about the violence in the world, and in ourselves, in the nature of man, basically, and how to change the view of it, saying that we must begin within ourselves...because violence is not only physical, it is mental as well)...
"...the most dreadful statements one can make, 'i will try'. there is no trying, no doing your best. either you do it or you don't do it. you are admitting time while the house is burning. the house is burning as a result of the violence throughout the world and in yourself and you say, 'let me think about it. which ideology is best to put out the fire?' when the house is on fire, do you argue about the colour of the hair of the man who brings the water?"

okay, i will admit...that out of context, this may be a little strange to read...
especially after i was just talking about thanksgiving, love, and friendship.
yep...maybe a little less coffee this morning would help. haha!
i just like to share the things i'm reading...or i should say struggling through, as a form of educating myself to the world...but if you think about it...
it all comes down to letting go...
and living with our eyes and hearts wide open...
doesn't it?
not the easiest thing to do...
because the first thing we want to do is decide and judge and contemplate.
hmmmmmmmmmmmm...
having faith in something is a really great thing...
but what if it gets in the way of seeing what is?
that's a hard one to take in, you know?
i guess though, that's all part of the learning process, isn't it?
and coming full circle through all of these problems and questions...
of life...
i'm thankful to have good people to be surrounded by...
to listen to, to talk to, and to learn from as well.
because around every corner of our lives...
there is learning to be done.
thanks to my family and friends for teaching me,
and being with me while i learn.
my cup runneth over...most assuredly so.

from the strangest places...

i sit here today, and i have to tell you...
each and every day, i've been thinkin...
'okay now, sit down, write'...
and each day, all these ideas pop in and out of my head...
but then each day...i let them flutter away...
like little butterflies of thought.
funny how that happens sometimes.
we find reasons to not do.
grocery lists
plumbers
errands
workouts
colds
hmmmmmmmm...
so, this is what's been going on,
and i thought i'd share during this week of the beginning of it all...
the holiday season.
thanksgiving, right?
families coming together from distances far and near.
it's pretty cool.
the thought that there are these people in our lives,
that have known us since the time that we didn't even know ourselves.
since we were wearing onezies. haha!
i've been thinking lately that i have no idea what i'm doing.
but even during that, there are always things that i know for certain.
facts in my soul that are tried and true.
thank god for that,
because otherwise...i'm not sure how we would survive this life...
if not for the things that we can count on, or have faith in...
things that we know, for sure.
are true.
funny thing is...the other day at work,
it was early, 6 in the morning...still dark out...
and we were pullling carts and parking them,
and there's this corner you have to turn through,
that's pretty dark, and with the gps, shining in your eyes,
you can't see anything for several seconds...
but being that i've done the same action over and over again,
i know the path, so, i drive forward and i don't crash into anything.
for some reason, it came to me the other day, while doing this usual chore,
of how much like life it really is...
how sometimes we walk around in the dark, not knowing exactly where we are going or what we are doing, for that matter,
but somehow we keep going and have faith that we're not gonna crash into anything.
i find sometimes that, whilst i live alone,
i don't turn on the lights at night because i know the path to where i go...
i don't need the light...and i have full confidence in where i'm going.
i have to admit though, that in my life,
i haven't walked that way...with full faith that i won't fall...
or that if i do...i can get up and walk away...smarter...
wiser...stronger.
i fear many things.
but it's during that fear that i try really hard to remind myself...
of what i know to be true...to me...to my heart...to my soul.
we're all different...
so, those things will be different from what the person next to me counts on.
but the importance of having something or someone to believe in...
god, wow, is soooooooooo truly important...
to just make it.
to get up everyday, and walk into it with open eyes and open arms,
welcoming whatever comes our way.
the good and the bad.
honestly, i can't say that i've had a whole lot of bad to contend with...
i am so amazingly lucky, i can't even begin to explain it.
the reasons why,
i have no idea.
i just know it is.
most people think that it's when the bad things that happen to you,
that we are tested,
to see what kind of person we are, deep down.
while i argree with that, whole-heartedly...
i also think that being fully aware while the good is going on,
is truly important as well.
the smelling of the flowers
noticing the colors in the day
the sounds of the ocean
the uncontrollable laughter with a friend
that smile that comes to your face when you hear that perfect song
when someone is kind to you, for no reason.
i mention these things...and you may think,
these are pretty small in the grand scheme of life.
and hey, they are.
but some days,
they can be so huge.
we get so swept away by the vastness of our problems...
that it's these little things that can help us to rise.
to move forward.
to take that first step to the good stuff.
because while there always is bad, there always is good.
what is it they say...you can't have one without the other.
i realize as i write this as well...
that my writing seemingly is always about this...
this faith...this love...this belief...
the little things in life...
choices and people and luck and thankfulness.
yes, it is my general thought process, i can't deny it,
but it is who i am.
and maybe sometimes, i'm here, reminding you...
because i have to remind me.
i don't know about you, but i need constant reminding.
i am lucky.
i know this.
thoreau wrote...'heaven is not only above our heads, but below our feet'
look around you, my friends...
find heaven in every second that you take a breath.
it's all around us.
be thankful...live thankful

home

i'm trying something new today...
getting myself out of my little box of thinking...
i'm gonna write to music...yep...we'll see how it goes!
anyways, i've had a few things on my mind as of late that i'd like to share...
oh, and, by the way, i'm listening to pandora...dialed into ray lamontagne, which is pretty nice and chill.
so, work with me here, because i may just go all over the place...
but here goes...
first of all, i was thinking about the little things in life that happen to you, while you're just living...they seem quite inconsequential or small...but they change your feeling or your attitude, right in that moment that they happen.
i'll give you a few examples of things that have happened recently to me...
that changed my day, and made me feel happy or just put a smile on my face.
which, as you know, somedays, can be the exact thing that you need.
that's part of the reason that it's hard not to believe in destiny or kismet.

so, i was at the grocery store the other day, after a really insane day at work...we were running around like crazies the entire time, and it happened to be that day was my 8th day in a row of working...needless to say, my body and my soul were tired...i had taken an exact amount of money into the store, instead of my debit card...forcing myself to hopefully, not spend as much money...i have a strange little system that keeps me in check when i walk in, but i won't go into that, just to make this story shorter...
anyways, i get in line, there are people behind me, and i'm 31 cents short...so, i'm standing there like, 'oh crap', and tell the lady that i have to run out to my car and get the change, which in my mind am thinking, i really don't want to run anymore today...she just looks at me, and says, don't worry about it, i bet i have 31 cents in my change purse...she proceeds to get out her wallet and throw it in the til for me...a person she doesn't know at all...but most likely looks pretty tired. i walked away smiling, feeling lucky.

another day, i'm out with friends, walking through a really busy local bar, and see an old friend, and walk up to say hello to her and give her a hug. we exchange the usual how are you's and what's ups...and as we're talking she mentions the fact that she reads my blog and that on somedays that she's having a bad day, and she reads me...it makes her day better. i walked away with a smile on my face, thinking she had made my night better.

at work recently, i was talking to the young man i was working with, and we were laughing quite a bit that day...it seems when i work with this kid, i turn into a comedienne of sorts, because the whole time, i tell him stories or just talk to him, we laugh, almost non-stop. he tells me the other day, that he really loves working with me because i always make his day better, through laughter. i walked away that day feeling happy knowing that i could have this positive affect on a 19 year old boy...who three months ago, i didn't know at all.

so, you see, these small things can have quite an affect on us.
i feel so lucky that there are so many days that i'm reminded of this.
running into that person, that changes your day with just a few words or a slight action.
words or actions, most likely, that you need to hear or see, just to lift your spirits.
because as much as we want to believe that we are doing all this alone...
we're not.
we're surrounded by people.
by their energy, by their spirit.
that's huge!
we get to choose everyday, who we are.
what we're gonna do.
how we're going to present ourselves,
to the world.
and how we're going to live.
it's easy to walk along this life,
and forget that the things we do, as small as they may be,
can be just the thing that someone else needs.
that as much as other people affect us...
we, in turn, affect them.
and maybe we have to try even harder in this life,
to make sure that the affect is a good one.
a pay it forward of sorts...everyday.
because as much as we need it...someone else does too.
happiness begetting happiness...yeah, so simple.

i leave you with this last little story...
i just recently moved home from oregon,
for many different reasons...
but the longer i'm home,
the more i realize the good decision i made to come home.
many people disagreed with me or thought me to be a fool...
but i guess it comes with age...
at a certain point, you begin to understand that your life is yours,
and you need not explain your decisions to other people,
because they aren't you.
and yes, sometimes, i felt a bit embarassed to have made this huge trek,
across the u.s. and only 7 months later, there i was driving back home.
but the honest truth is...i finally feel at home...
and the reasons i do, are the small things.
like going to my parents house, when my little brother and his wife and child are there...and when i walk in the door, seeing little julius's face light up, and he says 'honey!' really loud, and runs to me...i'm home.
when i wake up in the morning, and hear the ocean and can watch the sun come up...i'm home.
when i go out to lunch, and run into 10 people i know...i'm home.
when i go out for a run, and spend part of the time, waving at my friends, passing by in cars...i'm home.
and even in a town as small as this one, you meet new people, and they can have a way of changing your life, and making it better...
so...
where ever you are...
and whatever you do...
know that you can be the change in someone's day...
you can be the change in the world...
and the change that makes others feel like they've made it home.