til the end...

well... here we are... once again i've labored over what to write and how it will come across... geez... somedays i do wonder what in the world is wrong with me? haha! okay, don't answer too quickly, my friends :) haha! anyways, the truth is...there have been, oh, so many reasons to write lately, but i've found reasons not to write... because of being unsure of how i will sound or how i will be taken. maybe that is something normal when one is writing and putting it out there. this worry...this concern...this hope for the next one being as good as the last, or better, hopefully. or if it's any good at all, in the first place. that need for acknowledgement or acceptance. pshhhhhhhhht...who knows? it's like i'm havin a competition with myself... which is one of those human conditions, isn't it? always more critical than what somebody else would be. i love putting it down, and sending it out... it's like freedom... like, 'here i am'...'take me as i am' scary but exciting! so, why don't we just roll into this together, shall we? i was tellin my yoga instructor the other day that i had an idea for a topic for my next blog, but wasn't sure how it was gonna come out... that maybe what i was gonna write about was sorta like, 'beating a dead horse'... it's been talked and talked about...what would it resolve really? but it's what has been on my mind lately... so, he said to me...'just write what's in your heart...that's what it's all about...don't hold back...be truthful and honest...after all, that's what makes reading your writing, interesting and you.' which i agree with whole-heartedly...it's the reason i started writing really... to get it out. originally, i planned on making it totally anonymous so that i could write whatever i wanted to, and not be afraid... but then i thought, how could i do that? i need to stand behind what i say and have the courage to say it, no matter what people are thinking... it's so easy to veer into the other lane, writing what you think other people are wanting to hear... but then... that defeats the whole purpose, doesn't it? funny thing is...that's just the back story to it all... here's my thought... and i hope it's not too long of a thought for you guys... i'm kind of a long story teller...some people tune out, quite early... like a long voice mail...i am that :) some of my friends, just delete me before they get to the end of it... but that's just it...the end might be the most important part of the message... some days we just have to have the patience to wait til the end...because it might be there...that thing...that hook...that love...the p.s. part :) the end could make all the difference in the world... but we're so in a hurry, we skip parts...god, why do we do that?! they say the journey is the reward... so freakin journey with me, you guys...don't skip to the end... just ride with me for a few minutes :) it might be worth it...but then again...maybe not. haha! that's kind of up to you, isn't it? haha! well, here goes...and yes, i know this is gonna be a long one... i'll apologize right now...should have gotten to the point faster... but it's just not who i am or how i feel today, so i'm goin with that. sometimes, in life, i've decided, that there's nothin we can do about just being ourselves, that we should be exactly just that...plain and simple...ugly...honest...long-winded...goofy...embarassing...whatever it is...be ourselves. it's so tiresome not to be, ya know? so, here's the thing... as you know...i'm gay...i know, big surprise right? the topic of gay marriage has been pretty heated lately... for some reason, it really gets to me... to listen to all the arguements...all the reasons that a person like me shouldn't be allowed to get married... well, i have to be honest...it really pisses me off...it really picks away at my soul...it disintegrates the faith that we all want to have in this world we live in. although i know that i'm surrounded by people that love me for who i am, and yes, despite who i am, i am so unbelievabley bothered by this issue. that even though i'm not dating anyone or have even the remote chance of dating anyone, it seems like this issue just wears away at my heart. people are always making the comment, 'so what, so you can't get married, it's not that big of a deal anyways'. just sayin that, well, that just means that they don't care and they don't understand, they don't get it... that they don't care about human rights...this is not just politics...it's a belief in humanity. of letting people live their life. of letting people love who they want. at the end of the day... what's happening, what we're sayin as a human race is that 'you, as a gay person, are not worthy of this basic human right...because you are gay...we do not believe in you...and we do not believe that you should be able to have the chance to have the kind of life that we live.' i'm gonna call that...and i'm gonna call it bullshit...all the way. let me just say this... just put yourself, as a straight person, in our shoes... someone is telling you, "i'm sorry, you can't shop here... oh, and it's okay, you can be who you are, but you can't be part of this society, because what you are is going to ruin the 'sanctity' of this establishment. you can pay taxes, you can be a good person, but we won't allow you to say 'i do' to the person that you're in love with. because it's just not normal...it's just not right. you are not right. we hate you because we don't understand you..." the list goes on and on of the things that i hear or that i read about me, as a gay person...i know, not necessarily me...but it may as well be. being discounted is sorta like being told, 'you are not important' or 'you are not worthy of our time'. there's a wide array of gay people...and yes, we are like the colors of the rainbow...ranging from total butch/dike girls, to flaming men, to lipsticks, to tomboys, to bears, to quite plain and ordinary... but that's the human race, isn't it? thing is... we love...just like anyone else... and although i think my love is special and untouchable, it truly is like what anyone else wants at the end of the day... i just want to have the chance, just like anyone else, to screw up, to make mistakes, to love, to be loved, and yes, even to get married. so, yeah, i've babbled and made this quite long... but, i gotta be honest here...so what? don't you think that life and love are the most important thing in this world...ever?! i think it's quite worthy of pages and pages of writing...infinitely worthy! so, if there are a few extra paragraphs here... then, please, blame me, curse me, hate me... but hear me... this is NOT a moral issue, as some would say... this IS a human rights issue... and it needs to be fought... and, as for me, it will continue to be fought... because yes, i want what you have...whether that sounds ridiculous or not... i don't actually care. when are we all going to just finally understand... we're in this together...on this planet...living and breathing. hate me, despise me, throw things at me, kick me out...whatever... i'm here and i'm not going anywhere. i don't want to be tolerated, i want to be accepted. you don't have to like it or agree with it. but all it is... all it really is... is love. so, get over it. it will not be the end of the world, if two gay people can get married. believe me. it will be like the opening of the world! a humongously big closet opening! haha! who cares?! the thing is...love will not wait...it cannot wait... through out history there have been struggles and fights for rights... this is just another one... and here we are in 2012...hoping for a simple right of passage. it encompasses soooooooooooooooooo many things...and it means so much. a little while back, i think it was on mother's day, i watched my parents dancing together to 'you look wonderful tonight'... we were outside, it was breezy breezy florida, summer night... and there they were, dancing...it was sweet and beautiful... they will have been married 50 years next year...i don't know how they've done it...how they've survived each other...through 4 crazy kids...grandkids...great grandkids...through the aches and pains of growing separately and together...through old age (sorry, mom and dad...haha)...but that's the thing...they have...survived it...and continue to do so... while i may not be able to do that or have the opportunity to, how nice would it be if my other 'family' could? i think it would be amazing. just to have the chance. so, those are my thoughts and feelings on that subject... just one gay person's view... or better yet... just one person's view. thanks for being here with me til the end...i hope it was worth it :)(: i leave you with this... "the moment you say that any system of ideas is sacred, whether it's a belief system or a secular ideology, the moment you declare a set of ideas to be immune from criticism, satire, derision, or contempt, freedom of thought becomes impossible." ~salman rushdie~ we need just that...freedom... freedom of thought...of love...and of life.