things worth havin...

hello...
hola...
good morning...
and como estas?
yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
today, I decided i'd throw out something quickly...
because yes, there's a sling in my near future...
and well...it's not the sling i'm lookin forward to, but it's where I make the living that let's me live the life I do...
so, i'm just gonna go with it today...
and today, i'm writing, for the first time, in my new lil spot that I've concocted in my lil hovel of a place on this beautiful and restful north end of things...
the music today, is playing, and the music of choice is sara bareilles...
yep...
brave is starting off my blog today...
...I want to see you be brave...
I sorta love this song...
the thought of it...
the feeling of it...
and the dream of it...
I mean, seriously, right?
gosh, you guys, this life of ours...well, it's just full of choices isn't it?
so we choose, daily...
what we want, what we need, what we see our lives to be, and where we want to be.
it's a never ending cycle of choices...
of living...
and it's exactly that...
we should be living!  always!
we should be selfish in this choice sometimes...
because the more we live...the more others around us will live...
if you think no one is noticing your choices and your living...
you're wrong...you're totally wrong.
you, my friends, are an example and an inspiration, whether you know it or not...to everyone!
and sometimes...yep, sometimes,  you have to be your own inspiration.
you have to get up, look in that mirror of yours, and inspire!
yes, yes, yes...there will be mistakes, big and small, along the way...
but who cares...learn from them, and keep making them...
if you're not makin them, then you're not living.
the worst choice of all is to not make a choice.
to not walk out your door, fall into holes, jump fences, run like crazy, or stroll right through the middle of a dance or two, hell, maybe just lay right in the middle of the street and laugh about it...
I don't know what kind of sense anything makes sometimes.
but there are days, many of them maybe, that won't make sense, that we're not meant to understand, until we are meant to...
fall...and fall hard...
but get up and look around...
smile when things seem way too hard...cry when you just can't hold it in...
it's all okay.
because the truth is...
this is life.
the juice of it...is living...good...bad...easy...hard...crazy...sexy...passionate..
.fucked up...wild...funny...sad...lonely...astonishing...overwhelming...
playful...
without understanding...
annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd loving.
let your heart beat like it's coming out of your chest...
don't be scared...
the last few days I've come across a few pretty cool quotes that explain it all...
or maybe just make me feel better...
so, I thought i'd share them with you...
maybe they can inspire or show you something you need, somewhere in your lives...
one can only hope...
and sometimes, honestly, that's all there is to get you through the day...
hope...plain and simple.

"forget safety.
live where you fear to live.
destroy your reputation.
be notorious."  ~rumi~

"we do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us something is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch.
once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiousity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit."  ~e.e. Cummings~

so, with that...
I say...
believe...
in you.
be notorious.
if you want.
risk.
and find your spirit.
however you find it...
it will be worth it.
you are worth it.
last but not least...
be brave.

patience, child, patience....

so, here I am...
in my lil apartment...
Pandora playin softly...yep...brandi carlile station...soft and easy...
thinkin it may just be the way to write today...
soft and easy...hmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
well, as I sit here, there are so many things to say...
but, at the moment, i'm a bit unsure of where to start...
so, i'm gonna start by sayin...this past month...it's been a hard one...
but I've noticed through it all, and being aware of my surroundings... people, places, and things and such...
I've noticed a lot of commotion actually.
in the world...in this small town...in people's hearts...in life, in general.
it feels like sometimes, all of this searching can make you feel more lost than being lost.
haha!
there have been moments in this last month that I literally thought, maybe I was losing it, for real...but then right after that moment, these bits and pieces of clarity always seem to pop up...
not sure why it happens that way...
but maybe it's because hope is always around the corner.
something like that, I think.
at least, I think that's what I have to believe.
always lil signs poppin up here and there, right when you need them.
maybe it's life's lil way of keepin us alive, feelin like there's possibility in every breath, or sunshine after a hard storm...
oh, gosh, I don't even know...
but I can tell you this...life is so fucking full of surprises...it really is! 
if you don't believe me...start paying attention to things that happen around you...and what order they happen...and the things that you wish for out loud...
it's powerful...and if you're paying attention...you'll be insanely astounded by the machine of life itself...holy shit, for real! 
as low as things can seem to get...those highs...oooooooooowwwweeeeeeeeeeee...
there's nothing like them.
funny thing is, recently, I had a bout with back spasms...
as always, in life, it was just at the time that I thought, man, things suck right now...
but just then, I couldn't walk...getting out of bed took 10 minutes, to figure out somehow how to get to the bathroom was a pain like I can't explain...sweats and shakes to stand on my own two feet.
yep...these are the times, that one thinks...oh, man, I should have a room mate...hahahahaha!
so, when I thought it couldn't get worse in my heart...my body broke down...
so there I was, stuck in my bed for a couple days, literally...
stuck in my own thoughts about my life, at that moment...
there was no escape...at all! 
talk about havin to face your ghosts and demons...
nothing like being stuck in your room with no emergency escape route...wowzers!  haha!
the things you have taken for granted seem impossible, right there, in those very moments.
I found myself prayin that the next day I would be able to take only 5 minutes to get out of bed...hahahaha!  yeah, you begin to think it will never go away...
the thought of just rolling over without havin this jolting sensation down your legs and up your back...that's like a dream!
lookin back at that, the first morning I could actually get up without a lot of pain, I felt like the world had been given back to me...
I stretched and slowly got back to normal...whatever normal is...of course, all of you know very well, honey fucking deacon...i'll never be normal...ahaha!
not even possible!
but the thing is...wow...life hits you, just that way...
usually my back spasms come in one felled swoop...
this one was gradual...lil by lil it came to me...and knocked me right out.
point is...
it can be fast and hard...or it can a gradual process...
but it happens no matter what.
change happens...bad and good...whether we are ready for it, or not.
somehow I've been tryin to figure out how to just work my way through it, without losing who I am, and remembering that pain and joy are just temporary...
but they always come and go...
it's just that way.
with light there is always dark.
I guess it's all in the way we look at it too.
as human beings, we're all sort of afraid of the things we don't know or can't control.
but do we always need control?  I just don't know...I tend to think not.
I do know that, for me, sometimes, or maybe more than I am willing to admit, I like to have some sort of feeling of control...
and in some instances, we can have that.
we decide a lot of things for ourselves, in our own lives...
but all the stuff that is not ours, well, it's just not in our control.
hearts and minds and souls...they are free!
as for me...i'd like to live this life with love in mind.
I just want to...I feel like it's part of who I am.
saying this, doesn't make anything easier....that's the funny part, right?
so, maybe, I think, as much as we can, in our own lives, we just have to figure out for ourselves who we are, what we want, how we want to love, and how we want to live...
and mostly this happens as we go along, right there, in the moment, as we're living...
we're jumping, dodging, ducking, running, walking backwards, sprinting like hell, and sometimes even standing completely still, watching the moment overtake us.
that's the hard part isn't it?
knowing how to move...
or maybe just moving with the ebb and flow of it all...
hoping for some parts of it to hit home and make sense.
I think if we pay attention and listen to our hearts, we'll know more possibly, than any book or any opinion anyone else could ever do for us.
but most importantly...we have to just live through it.
feel all of the shit you feel.  see for yourself what it is. 
and don't be scared away.
we all have power to do anything we want and be who we want to be and love who we love...
it's not up to anyone else.
there are one million quotes, possibly two million, that say all the power that you need is already within you...
that may seem like a lot smoke, blowing up your ass...
but believe me...it's not.
we all have it.
so, maybe today and each day, take a look at yourself in the mirror, and know that you're the best friend you've got...be a good one.
decide what you want.
and do it.
i'll leave you with this quote I came across quite awhile back, but just came back to me recently, when I opened my lil quote book that I write in...here ya go...read it out loud...don't worry, no one is looking...but if they are...pshhhhhhhhhhhhhhht...who cares?!  ;)

"patience, child, patience.  remember, life is a journey.  if you got everything you wanted all at once there'd be no point to living.  enjoy the ride, and in the end you'll see these 'set backs' as giant leaps forward, only you couldn't see the bigger picture in the moment.  remain calm, all is within reach;  all you have to do is showup everyday, stay true to your path and you will surely find the treasure you seek." ~Jackson kiddard~

+'s

soooooooooooooooo, here I sit...
cup of chicory, steaming next to me...
the day is cloudy, damp, and wildly windy...for an april day in florida...
my washer churning away, washin off the week's sweat and tears...(I know what you're thinkin, it's only Wednesday, the week is only half way gone, but alas, i'm a slinger, the last six days have been chock full of slingin...yep yep...life of a service girl)
but...as it is my day off, and if I were telling the truth, right here, right now...
I could actually admit that it's okay that it's that way...
that sometimes a cloudy, dreary day is a welcomed day in sunny florida...
then as all of my friends and I agree with, you don't have to feel guilty about staying indoors and sprawlin out....right?!  righhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhht :)
because when that sun does choose to come out, and the waves are rolling in, the birds are chirping, bees are buzzing, breeze is blowing just enough....yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, those days, it's hard to stay in and feel okay about it.
you feel as if you should just jump on the closest bike and ride through your neighborhood, or ride downtown...
as if you should go to the beach and breathe all that salt air that you can...
as if eating outdoors is the only rational choice...
heck...there were days that I've been thinkin about recently, in Portland, that if the sun came out, i'd quickly walk out my door and just lean against my lil cube, close my eyes, and dream of warmth and sunlight and life...
yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh :)
it's truly amazing what a lil sunshine will do to your attitude, your soul, your mind, your body!
it's the change in all things good!
it's funny, but I sat down to write something completely different today, but find myself clinging to the thoughts of my love for sunshine...
of the fact that, most of the year, i'm dreaming of summer...hahahahhaha!
I truly am!
it's unavoidable!
there's something about summer time that feels like a constant celebration to me.
I think of the past few years of my life...and mostly my favorite moments have been spent with an amazing crew of people...playing and lounging and drinking and singing and dancing and swimming and boogie boarding (yep, i'm the dorky 46 year old that loves my boogie board, immensely!  haha!)
in fact, my board is leaning against the wall in my living room...
it's kind of its permanent resting spot, til I use it again...
and in those warm water days that I love so dearly, sometimes it's what gets me through my day at work, if i'm on the morning shift, I drive down our lil beach road, hopin that there are a few waves, callin my name...
that childlike experience of pushing myself off into one and feeling the water splash into my eyes, and hold me til i'm touching the sand with my hands...
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, yessssssssssssssssss, it makes me smile right this moment...
but I can recall, just smiling as I get back up and slide back out to catch the next one...
doesn't matter at all if i'm the only one on the beach that day.
that salt water is the ultimate cleanser of all bad things in your day...
it can make you forget the shit that happens along the way.
and here's the thing...
I was talkin to a friend of mine the other day...
and we were discussing work, I think, about being frustrated or just feeling disgruntled, which, of course bled into talkin about other things that get on our nerves...
she was asking for advice about what to do...is this right? or is that right?  choices and decisions...frustrations and disappointments...fears and commitment...
too much to worry over somedays!!!! 
so, I was sittin there, thinkin of what the right thing to say was...and this is what came to me...
I think that sometimes, it's easy to get pressed into the minuses of our life...we see them and they seem to multiply, like lil babies or something...we can get caught up in them, feelin like they're takin over our lives...but here's the thing we have to remember...we must remember!  at the end of the day, there are also pluses...we all have them...sooooooooooooo, we need to think about these pluses, say them out loud even...
on any given day, if you're walkin into whatever you're walkin into...
carry those pluses with you...
I told her that she always had a few pluses in her pocket...no matter what.
and when that moment comes, that overwhelming moment of minus...
just reach down in that pocket and pull out those pluses...
they are there...like a sword of light, to fight off whatever is coming after you.
so, maybe right now, while you're reading this (and if you are, thank you, oh so very much!) make a lil mental list of your pluses...
sometimes they are ever changing...but there are some that are the constant pluses...I think that maybe those are the ones that we should put in our back pockets and walk into our days with...
yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I do believe it's true :)
one of mine is...you guessed it...is that beach that's across the street from me...
can't imagine my life without it.
plus :)

a smile and a laugh between strangers....

yep...I know...
it's been a life and a half since the last time I was on here...
writing something...
and gosh, I gotta say, it would have to be a three part series to catch up on what's been going on since the last time I blogged...the life and times of honey fucking deacon, right?  :)
haha!
but instead of ye olde rehash, i'm just gonna go with my story of yesterday...
and then we'll work with the ebb of flow of the life and times...
let's see how that goes, shall we?
as you know already, I do a small service job, 4 or 5 days a week...in slow times, only 3, which, of course, makes me cringe when the schedule comes out...
in my head, i'm thinkin...'holy shit, how will I pay my bills?!', but somehow it works (in these parentheses, I must thank my parents for still caring and watching out for me, just in case I look hungry...thanks mom and dad...you rock...always)...
so, anyways, I feel like, those of us in the service industry know this feelin all too well...
but also, for me, I don't know about you, I usually find myself, on my days off, if I walk into a joint, whether it be a restaurant or a store, going out of my way to be nice to whom ever is taking care of me...
because, let's face it, we know what they're goin through...
taking care of others to make a living can take it all out of you.
even if it's not brain surgery or changing the world...
at the end of the day, you're taking care of what someone else needs.
that, in and of itself, can make you feel shitty or make you feel like you have an opportunity to make someone's day better...
somehow, you have that power...
even if it's in the smallest of ways...
sometimes that makes the biggest difference.
so, here's my lil story...maybe it will make more sense now that I've babbled a bit about somewhat thankless jobs, that we service folks do...
there are some days, that I totally feel thanked :)
and those are the good days...yep yep.
let's back up to yesterday's lil jaunt to some food and shoppin with my mom.
just a regular getaway for a few hours, but it seemed as if every store we went into, somehow we were able to make who ever was takin care of us, laugh and smile.
as for me, I love makin people laugh...to see that this person is letting go enough for just a minute or two, a total stranger, right there in front of you, enjoying that moment...
yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, that's like a victory in life, I think.
several stores we went into, we ended up in conversation with people somehow, from the Clinique girl behind the counter at dillards (we were giggling and laughin with her, sharing with her where to get a really nice cocktail), to the gap kids manager (who actually looked at first like she would fall asleep while ringing us up, until we said something to her that made her smile, and automatically she perked up and admitted to needin a coffee), to the Dominican brother in full robes, shoppin in Williams and Sonoma (when we first approached him, he seemed wary of these goofy women that asked him where he was from, but promptly got into a full on conversation about spain after he realized my mom was of latin decent, practicing his Spanish on her, happily), and the beautiful girl working at anthropologie (which as soon as I broke the silence of her checkin me out, that she told me how much of a surprise the beautiful day was to her, and as she handed me my change, she grabbed both of my hands and looked me in the eyes and thanked me for coming in, all the while smiling)...
it's not as if we changed anyone's lives yesterday, but before we walked up to them, who knows what was goin on in their heads...
maybe for that moment of laughing and smiling, we were able to help them feel better about whatever their day had been about before that second.
that eye contact...
   that exhale just before the laugh...
           that smile as you're telling each other to have a good day...
                   that moment that you truly know that we're all sorta in the same boat...
                           just tryin to make it sail.
when I got home from my lil girls day trip with my mom, I was telling one of my friends about it, and she was saying how nice it feels to be connected to people...
like when you have a day that you just seem to run into people, around every corner, and somehow make a connection with them...it truly brings you all together, even if you never see that person again.
I guess the thing about that is...if you walk with your head up and you notice people and are aware that all of this living is going on around you...that everyone is just going about their day, doing what they do and hoping for it to be happy in some kind of way...I guess if we just notice that and as often as possible leave a good imprint on the person we've just walked away from...
just imagine...
what you could do for someone in just that moment.
I was telling my mom about it as I was driving us home...I said to her, 'I bet/hope at the end of their day of work, they may think about those two fun women they took care of that day that made them laugh, when they were just going about their business of clocking in their time'...
yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhh, i'd like to think that, because at the end of my day or during it sometimes, when i'm working, I think that same thing...'man I love taking care of happy people' or 'that was fun to get a laugh out of that guy, he didn't look so nice at first'...
to put a smile on someone's face is a gift, and it doesn't cost a thing, except maybe a lil effort to make it happen.
so, when someone tells you that it's the simple things in life that make the difference...
listen to that person...
and grab those moments...
smile...
and laugh...

"there are only two ways to live your life.  one is as though nothing is a miracle. the other is as if everything is."  ~Albert Einstein~

another day at the barn....

wow...
here we are...
or i guess i should say...
here i am :)
3 whole months since i sat down to write!
summer...
it sorta does it...
just takes you away.
mine has, i think...in good ways and bad ways...
but...
here i am :)
soooooooooooo, where to begin?
hmmmmmmmmmm...
i guess i should probably just go with the story that made me think that it was about time i write something...
you know, as i always say, i find reasons to not sit down and write, even if i think, 'hey, this is a good idea', i still manage to find other things to do.
yep...am imagining it happens to the best of us.
but the other day i had a couple cool things happen to me in a row, while i was at work, that reminded me of how the small things in a day can change your view on the day, or your attitude, or your general feeling.
many of you will probably understand what i mean when i say that workin in the service industry can kinda put you at odds with your beliefs in human beings.
as i write this, it may sound sorta jaded or pissy or negative, but i don't necessarily mean it that way...
what i mean by that is that, there are days that you're just, for lack of a better term, sick of always taking care of people...cleaning up after them, dealing with their attitudes, smiling through their complaints, and saying, 'yes' all the time...
here's the thing...there are many times through those days that you come in contact with good/happy/kind-hearted people as well...
these are the experiences that help you glide a lil through your day...
that make you smile and think, 'hey, this isn't so bad, taking care of people'...
yep...it's those times.
so, this past sunday, i was doing my usual sling, with one of my favorite partners in the barn, and as i was walkin through the bag room, i noticed the bag of a member that only is in town here and there...
i decided when i saw his bag, that i knew he would play that day, so, i proceeded to grab his bag and set it up on a cart with some range balls...yes, just a usual thing you do when people play golf.
i have to tell you that last year, this same member and i didn't have a lot of appreciation for each other...he always came to play late, and would be the last off, and would not be that congenial, and you wouldn't see a tip from him, pretty much ever.
so, when he would come up, it would always be at the point that i would feel quite a bit of disdain from him just being there.
then one day, i decided that i needed to work harder at being friendlier towards him...it didn't make me feel good to hold anger against this guy that was just doing something he liked to do and something he paid great money for, and something i was getting paid for....
but mostly because i hate feeling that way towards another human being, whether i liked them or not...it's not good for your soul to hold onto that kinda stuff.
so, in this past year, i have worked to do lil things for him, and greet him with a more kinder face, and try and think ahead, so that he feels taken care of.
let me tell  you...it's made the biggest difference between us.
now when we see each other, we're both smiling and we chat, and then he goes off to play...
he even has mentioned a couple times how great it makes him feel that i'm always ready for him and take such great care of him...and in turn it makes me feel great that he notices.
so, back to the story...this sunday when he came down the steps, we said hello and he saw that his bag was already on a cart and ready to roll.
he smiled and laughed and asked me how i knew he was coming, and if i had seen him walking down?  i just told him i saw his bag downstairs and knew he'd play and wanted to be ready for him...
he was so happy by this small act, that he got on the phone with his wife, as i was standing there, and asked her to bring me some of the peach jam she had just made on the Friday before....
in his large southern draw, i listened to his conversation with his wife, and it made me happy...
he said to her, 'babe, you know that woman that i have been telling you about that works at the golf course, the one that always take care of me?  well, today i got to the course, and she had my bag out for me and on a cart, ready to go...i just want to do something nice for her too...will  you bring some of that jam down to her?'
he was smiling and i was smiling as he drove away to play his quick 18 in the late afternoon.
strangely enough, it brought a tear to my eye, just feeling like this person that i barely know, just did this kindness to me...just because i had been kind to him.
it made me smile pretty much the rest of the day.
crazily enough, not even an hour later, another member came off the course, and we were asking him how he liked his new house, and without even a thought, he said for us to hop in the cart and come check it out.
so, there we were, my work buddy and i, walking through this fantastic home of one of our members, and they were so friendly and lovely, showing us something they obviously were so excited about, and wanting to share with us.
we talked about the art work on the walls and about their kids and their lives before moving here...
it was a real moment of feeling not like a server.
as we rode the cart back to the barn, we both were so happy to have been treated with respect and care, that we were both just smiling and laughing about our day.
i know that I've probably talked about this often...
but as a server for many years, it can become this feeling of 'us and them'...
this feeling that you're not on the same level as another person...just because they have more.
it kind of gets hammered into you, in some way or another.
because there are some days that you do get treated that way, like you are lower...
it's easy for that feeling to get stuck in your head, and it stays.
i think that i am as much to blame for that feeling as the person on the other side, to be honest.
we are the ones, after all, that let people make us feel a certain way.
it is i that chooses to hold onto that.
but...
at the end of the day...
those small things, those kind gestures, from another human being, another soul...it's those things that make the difference in a day.
in a life time, actually.
there are loads of times that i'm cleaning someone's clubs that are stayin at the hotel (and if you didn't know, i work at a course that is next door to a pretty nice hotel, that we work in conjunction with, so we take their clubs to the hotel when they're done playing golf, being its a service we provide to make things easier on the guest) that the golfer will ask, 'will they take the clubs back to storage for us?' and usually i just reply, 'yes, of course'...but more recently, after hearing that for some time, I've started to reply, ' i am they '...
the first time i said it...i surprised myself and it made me smile...but it also took the guest of the player that asked me that by surprise too...and they actually laughed as well.
the more i thought about my reply, the more i liked that phrase...'i am they'
if you think about it, we are all 'they' to another person.
which kinda means we are all 'we'.
so quick to stand at arms length from another person because we're different or we are on a different level of success or we're not as pretty...
whatever the case may be...we're all here...
struggling to survive and holding hope for what's to come.
yep...it's the simple things in this life that carry us through.

"everyday may not be good,
but there's something good in every day." ~anonymous~

so, just remember, when you're going about your day, and it seems bleak and full of nothing, if you look hard enough, you'll find good things...they may be small...but small may just be enough to get  you through to the next day.
yep.
i am they.

21 and under...

well, here we are...
early sunday morning, and i've decided to go with my gut today.
there are loads of times i wake up for a second, and have a good idea (well, of course, that's all relative) of somethin to write about, but then i go back to sleep, and when i wake back up, i've forgotten this so called good idea.
i kick myself a little each time i do that.
but not today, i woke up with a thought, and decided why not get up right this moment, and just write it.
truth is, sometimes you don't have the luxury of going with it, because of responsibilities, but today, i have none.
sooooooooooo, with that, i give you my waking thought :)
the other day, i took, a friend of mine to a concert.
it was a concert i was pretty excited about, but that she really didn't know either of the bands performing.
i had discovered both on that lovely little deal called pandora.
these bands always seemed to pop up on my ray lamontagne station.
so, a couple months ago, as luck would have it, i happened to notice on my facebook feed that one of them was comin to town, and low behold, the other was opening for them.
two birds with one stone!  woohoo!
i was totally excited!
it was at a small concert venue as well, one of those kind that there are no seats, and a little bar very close to the stage...so basically, everywhere you are is near the stage, but if you're lucky, you're right next to the stage, and it's like they're in your living room, playin for you...
and well, i guess a group of your best friends.  haha!
anyways, we arrive at the door and the bouncer people card us...
which always makes me laugh...45 and getting carded is kinda hilarious, but from the bouncer's face, he didn't think it was funny at all...and didn't consider thank you to be anythin he needed to reply to.  haha!  probably for the small fact that there were two lil hotties in short dresses right behind us.
we laughed as we walked in because the bouncer barely even could make the effort to look our way, because his eyes were firmly glued onto the two chicadees behind us.  hahahahha!
so, thus we enter...
now this venue also is a 18 and over place...since it does serve alcohol, and well, it has that sort of bar atmosphere.
it's already a bit crowded up front, but we move around the side where the bar is...and happen to be able to walk right into a nice lil spot, pretty close to the stage, and be able to grab a brew as well.  perfect!
the roadies were just putting the final touches on the stage, when we begin to look around.
my friend looks over at me, and asks me if i notice that everyone in the place is young...way young. 
i laugh and say, 'yeah, there seem to be a lot of young people here.'
but the bands are both young and good looking.  seems to go with the territory.
when the first group comes out, people begin screaming and dancing and singing...it's awesome!  and i'm happy as a lark.
meanwhile, my friend notices that there are loads of people, as they are waving their hands in the air, that have x's marked largely on their hands.  you know, like with a fat magic marker...that large!  she leans over to me, and asks me why i think that is, and after a second of thought, i tell her it's because they're under 21.
the key to this answer, 'under 21'.
for pretty much the rest of the night, she just can't believe that we're in a place that has a sea of x's all around us, and there we are, two older women, listening right with them.
every so often she would lean over and tell me how old she felt.
actually, she said it a lot.
at one point, i leaned over to her and said, 'you know, the secret to remaining young is to surround yourself with youth'...
   and hey, 'who cares who's around us, it's about the music, it's about having fun, just let go and enjoy'.
during that night, we would look over at each other and just giggle at the fact that we were literally the oldest people there.
which brings me to my waking thought...
i am so very glad that music does not have an age limit.
that you can hear something and love it and just be part of the music.
i often wonder, when i'm out at a bar that has live music, if when i get much older, i'll still feel like dancing when i hear something that has a good beat or want to sing, when i hear a tune that i know by heart.
i wonder if there is this point in life, where you stop wanting to sing and dance and enjoy what's right in front of you,
without worry or concern for what everyone else is thinking of you, but with the sole intent to be in the music.
because for me, i may be that old woman that is standing there, just smiling and doin a lil jig...i might be just be that lady.  haha!
i don't know about you, but there are days that i recognize my age, and i'm so surprised by it.  how did it get here?!
i don't feel 45 when i hear a lil jay-z, taylor swift, justin timberlake, snoop dogg, the biebs (yep, i said it!  haha!).
and then i wonder, when will i grow up?
the answer...
i'm kind of hoping, never :)
it's funny as you get older, how you notice certain things a lil more than when you were younger.
and for the last few years, when i'm out, i will see maybe a person that is 20 years my elder, and i wonder what they are doing in a bar like this...
the answer...
the same damn thing i'm doing...
getting out...
being in the world...
enjoying what's in front of us.
the problem with that is we set age limits for ourselves in life.
by the time we get to 20, we'll be in the midst of the college of our choice...
by the time we get to 25, we'll be married...
by the time we get to 30, we'll have 2.5 children (don't know how that works though.  haha!)
by the time we get to 35, we'll be well put together and have it all figured out, where we are going and what we are doing...
question is...who made these freakin rules?!  and why do we blindly, follow them?! 
geeeeeeeeeeeeeez!!!!!!!!!
problem with all of that is...what happens if life hits you, and you're not going according to plan?  then what?
screw all that.
if i did everything according to age...god, i wouldn't have had some of the great times i've had in my life.
you know that saying, 'act your age'?
ignore it completely!
be ridiculous sometimes...that's why we've worked so hard to get here in the first place!
so, we get older...the fact is, i take glucosamine, i worry about what i put in my body, i can't stay up late several days in a row without feeling like crap, i ache a lil when i get up in the mornin...that's part of the way it is...
but that doesn't mean we have to stop living.
yeah, maybe we have to be smarter and be more responsible. (i'm still working on that one)
but when it comes to music, all bets are off!
and thank god, music doesn't have an age limit!
and thank god, i can hear a 'teenie bopper' song on the radio, and i can sing as loud as i want to, right by myself, right out my windows.
i don't care in the least who hears or see's me!  hahahaha!
maybe it's a book, i can't remember at the moment, it's early, but it's called 'when i'm old i shall wear purple'...
in my mind, i've always thought that means that at a certain age, we stop caring what others think, we've paid our dues, we're old, we can do what we want, like wear purple, it's such a young color, vibrant and full of energy.
if i'm there already, i'm wearing some damn purple, and i'm break dancin if i want to, and i'm refusing to explain myself to anyone, if they ask :)  haha!
music for me is life and love and everything!
so, yeah, we were the oldest people in that bar, that night.
but we danced, we sang, and we lived.
that's what it's all about.
living.

the light i have...

so, yeah...
i've literally been sitting in front of my computer this morn for quite a bit of time, just staring at it, wondering when i will begin to type the words that are in my head.
and just a second ago, i thought to myself, 'man, i had such good ideas in the middle of the night, why didn't i write them then?'...
yep...
really great question!  haha!
but...oh, well.
so, here i am, in a serious block of letters and words.
hmmmmmmmmmm...
thing is...on these blog posts...mostly i just sit and write whatever comes to my mind...
i like it to work sort of organically, without thought of preparation, no rough drafts, just simple and easy, let it go, kind of writing.
funny thing is, even that seems to be hard to do.
just let go...and let whatever pops up, pop up.
yeah, normally, that's exactly how i work it.
but it's funny how the mind works...somedays i sit frozen, unsure of anything...and others...it rolls right off my hands and into this lil laptop.
so in essence, there are days that i create my own writer's block...haha!
wondering...'what am i gonna write!'
instead of just doing it...just writing.
i come across a zillion stories to write about when i'm not sitting in front of my computer...but then when i do sit, sometimes a zillion turns into an absolute zero.  crazy, yeah! 
i guess life is kinda that way too sometimes, eh?
lately i've caught myself wondering about the point of this whole deal...this life thing...
yes...i'll admit...it's a constant for me...i don't know about you...but i'm always sorta wondering where it's all going.
i think, 'okay, so, here i am...now what?'
hahaha!
right?!
so, many things i still want to do.
and then there's time, right?
will we have the time to do all that?
geeeeeeeeeeez!
am i doing this right...am i makin the right decisions?
good lord, the list is endless!
i've realized that there's no comparing my life to anyone else's...
my body to anyone else's...
my beliefs to anyone else's...
my feelings to anyone else's...
cuz, admittedly so, my feelings run rampant on certain occasions and on certain subjects.
so, pretty much...what we feel, think, want, and are...well, they're totally just ours...nobody else's.
you know when they say, 'walk a mile in another man's shoes'?
it is an extreme effort to do it, but we must do it.
otherwise, we may never understand another man's plight.
and well, that's what we're doing here, eh?
co-existing...sometimes :)  haha!
a couple different things happened to me at work recently that made me think a little bit...about perception...about how we make assumptions on other people's lives and actions, thinkin we know where they're coming from or who they are, based on our assumptions, which are based on our own experiences, not theirs.
now, mind you, i have the job of a lowly cart and bag attendant...those of us that do this job, are sort of laborers of a different sort...you still have to take care of people and be good at dealing with the in's and out's of the service industry...but we also, sling hefty bags, clean fitthy carts, and wipe down dirt ridden golf clubs...all in the hopes of someone handing you a few bills.
if they don't hand you a few bills, well, i can't speak for everyone, but i'm always a lil unsure of the soul of the person that i'm taking care of...hahaha!
but that's neither here nor there.
anyways...the story goes like this...
there are certain days at the sling that you clock in, and basically, do not stop moving and slinging til you clock out...
on days like this, you know in the back of your mind that you'll make some green, and you try to tell yourself that the green is worth the strain.  and mostly, it is.
because i know, after all, that i'm lucky that i'm a 45 year old woman that can still sling with kids, 20 to 30 years younger than me, and walk out with a wad of cash in my pocket.
i try not to think about the fact that i'm doing a monkey's labor, but the fact that i still like doing the monkey's labor.  haha!
so, during one of these days of slingfest central, one of my older gentlemen members, proceeds to hand me 4 dimes and 2 nickels, telling me that's all he has that day.
i'm not gonna lie to you...i'm always a lil offended when anyone hands me change.  and this day was no different.  haha!  i looked at him and told him it was okay, and tried to hand him the change back...but he insisted that he wanted me to have it.  haha!
as i walked away, i walked by our counter space, and put it there as to not have it jingling away in my pocket the rest of that day, because i was in the midst of getting my back side handed to me, and the reminder of that incident would just get to me, eventually.
like, here i am, and this is all i'm worth...50 cents...wowzers!
after things slowed down, i grabbed the change and took it to one of the guys inside the pro shop, and gave it to him, and told him that i wanted him to feel as special as i felt when i got it. 
yeah...that wasn't nice of me at all...i know.
just then i realized when i had told someone else about it, that 50 cents to some people, is a big deal...and to that man, he was trying to give me something...the last bit of what he had that day, because he didn't want to walk away not giving me anything.
instead i was just pissed off and maybe feeling a lil pissed on, i can't lie.  haha!
thing is...
back in his day...that would have gotten him into a movie and bought him a coke...most likely.
so, if i would have looked at it that way, maybe i'd have felt a lil less disreguarded for my services, than i had as i walked away from him. (let me also just interject a lil other thought...believe me, this doesn't happen often, the 50 cents thing, if it did, i wouldn't be able to actually survive, so i'm not at all saying that i'd be fine with 50 cents always...i am after all, trying to eat and pay rent...don't want anyone thinkin i'm some sort of angel that's okay with nothin...just thought i'd make that clear)
the thing is this...there are some days...when you're serving others, that it's easy to become jaded towards what people have and how they treat you...how it makes you feel...
but more importantly, how you let it make you feel.
deep down, for me, i know that doing this job that i do, isn't anything spectacular...that i'm not doing anything amazing with my life...i'm not striving for the best i can be...
but...
that's my choice...
that is not in any way, the choice of that person, giving me 50 cent's...
i am here, doing what i do, because i like it...i love golf...i love being outside...and most of the time, i love people, interacting with them...and yeah, amazingly so, being a part of their lives, somehow.
even if it is, just cart and bagging at a golf course.
i read somewhere one time, that whatever you do, you should do it well, and you can make a difference no matter where you are or what job you have.
i do feel as if that we can have a positive affect on other's lives no matter the career...that if you come from a place of kindness and love and thoughtfulness, that anything is possible.
and that most definitely, we all come from different places and perspectives...but that shouldn't ever get in the way of how we treat each other.
i, for one, have to remind myself quite often of this, because when you do serve the general public, it is too easy to walk away, feeling quite small or lackluster, because of what i do, but maybe it should be just as easy to walk in kindness, and just share some form of goodness that lies inside of you.
so, instead of jumping at the chance to be pissed or offended...i could jump at the chance at being different and being understanding.
that whole thought of taking a breath and counting backwards from 10, well, that might be a good thought, when coming across something that makes us naturally react.
in life it seems too easy to fight, rather than to listen and learn.
i came across this quote the other day, and maybe it is the perfect finish to this story of life...

"i am not bound to win,
i am not bound to be true,
i am not bound to succeed,
but i am bound to live up to the light i have."
~abraham lincoln

bound to live up to the light i have.
hmmmmmmmmmmm...
i like that...i like it loads and loads.
maybe we should all be so lucky to live up to that light.
i guess that choice is ours.
to live up to our own light.
yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.