the light i have...

so, yeah...
i've literally been sitting in front of my computer this morn for quite a bit of time, just staring at it, wondering when i will begin to type the words that are in my head.
and just a second ago, i thought to myself, 'man, i had such good ideas in the middle of the night, why didn't i write them then?'...
yep...
really great question!  haha!
but...oh, well.
so, here i am, in a serious block of letters and words.
hmmmmmmmmmm...
thing is...on these blog posts...mostly i just sit and write whatever comes to my mind...
i like it to work sort of organically, without thought of preparation, no rough drafts, just simple and easy, let it go, kind of writing.
funny thing is, even that seems to be hard to do.
just let go...and let whatever pops up, pop up.
yeah, normally, that's exactly how i work it.
but it's funny how the mind works...somedays i sit frozen, unsure of anything...and others...it rolls right off my hands and into this lil laptop.
so in essence, there are days that i create my own writer's block...haha!
wondering...'what am i gonna write!'
instead of just doing it...just writing.
i come across a zillion stories to write about when i'm not sitting in front of my computer...but then when i do sit, sometimes a zillion turns into an absolute zero.  crazy, yeah! 
i guess life is kinda that way too sometimes, eh?
lately i've caught myself wondering about the point of this whole deal...this life thing...
yes...i'll admit...it's a constant for me...i don't know about you...but i'm always sorta wondering where it's all going.
i think, 'okay, so, here i am...now what?'
hahaha!
right?!
so, many things i still want to do.
and then there's time, right?
will we have the time to do all that?
geeeeeeeeeeez!
am i doing this right...am i makin the right decisions?
good lord, the list is endless!
i've realized that there's no comparing my life to anyone else's...
my body to anyone else's...
my beliefs to anyone else's...
my feelings to anyone else's...
cuz, admittedly so, my feelings run rampant on certain occasions and on certain subjects.
so, pretty much...what we feel, think, want, and are...well, they're totally just ours...nobody else's.
you know when they say, 'walk a mile in another man's shoes'?
it is an extreme effort to do it, but we must do it.
otherwise, we may never understand another man's plight.
and well, that's what we're doing here, eh?
co-existing...sometimes :)  haha!
a couple different things happened to me at work recently that made me think a little bit...about perception...about how we make assumptions on other people's lives and actions, thinkin we know where they're coming from or who they are, based on our assumptions, which are based on our own experiences, not theirs.
now, mind you, i have the job of a lowly cart and bag attendant...those of us that do this job, are sort of laborers of a different sort...you still have to take care of people and be good at dealing with the in's and out's of the service industry...but we also, sling hefty bags, clean fitthy carts, and wipe down dirt ridden golf clubs...all in the hopes of someone handing you a few bills.
if they don't hand you a few bills, well, i can't speak for everyone, but i'm always a lil unsure of the soul of the person that i'm taking care of...hahaha!
but that's neither here nor there.
anyways...the story goes like this...
there are certain days at the sling that you clock in, and basically, do not stop moving and slinging til you clock out...
on days like this, you know in the back of your mind that you'll make some green, and you try to tell yourself that the green is worth the strain.  and mostly, it is.
because i know, after all, that i'm lucky that i'm a 45 year old woman that can still sling with kids, 20 to 30 years younger than me, and walk out with a wad of cash in my pocket.
i try not to think about the fact that i'm doing a monkey's labor, but the fact that i still like doing the monkey's labor.  haha!
so, during one of these days of slingfest central, one of my older gentlemen members, proceeds to hand me 4 dimes and 2 nickels, telling me that's all he has that day.
i'm not gonna lie to you...i'm always a lil offended when anyone hands me change.  and this day was no different.  haha!  i looked at him and told him it was okay, and tried to hand him the change back...but he insisted that he wanted me to have it.  haha!
as i walked away, i walked by our counter space, and put it there as to not have it jingling away in my pocket the rest of that day, because i was in the midst of getting my back side handed to me, and the reminder of that incident would just get to me, eventually.
like, here i am, and this is all i'm worth...50 cents...wowzers!
after things slowed down, i grabbed the change and took it to one of the guys inside the pro shop, and gave it to him, and told him that i wanted him to feel as special as i felt when i got it. 
yeah...that wasn't nice of me at all...i know.
just then i realized when i had told someone else about it, that 50 cents to some people, is a big deal...and to that man, he was trying to give me something...the last bit of what he had that day, because he didn't want to walk away not giving me anything.
instead i was just pissed off and maybe feeling a lil pissed on, i can't lie.  haha!
thing is...
back in his day...that would have gotten him into a movie and bought him a coke...most likely.
so, if i would have looked at it that way, maybe i'd have felt a lil less disreguarded for my services, than i had as i walked away from him. (let me also just interject a lil other thought...believe me, this doesn't happen often, the 50 cents thing, if it did, i wouldn't be able to actually survive, so i'm not at all saying that i'd be fine with 50 cents always...i am after all, trying to eat and pay rent...don't want anyone thinkin i'm some sort of angel that's okay with nothin...just thought i'd make that clear)
the thing is this...there are some days...when you're serving others, that it's easy to become jaded towards what people have and how they treat you...how it makes you feel...
but more importantly, how you let it make you feel.
deep down, for me, i know that doing this job that i do, isn't anything spectacular...that i'm not doing anything amazing with my life...i'm not striving for the best i can be...
but...
that's my choice...
that is not in any way, the choice of that person, giving me 50 cent's...
i am here, doing what i do, because i like it...i love golf...i love being outside...and most of the time, i love people, interacting with them...and yeah, amazingly so, being a part of their lives, somehow.
even if it is, just cart and bagging at a golf course.
i read somewhere one time, that whatever you do, you should do it well, and you can make a difference no matter where you are or what job you have.
i do feel as if that we can have a positive affect on other's lives no matter the career...that if you come from a place of kindness and love and thoughtfulness, that anything is possible.
and that most definitely, we all come from different places and perspectives...but that shouldn't ever get in the way of how we treat each other.
i, for one, have to remind myself quite often of this, because when you do serve the general public, it is too easy to walk away, feeling quite small or lackluster, because of what i do, but maybe it should be just as easy to walk in kindness, and just share some form of goodness that lies inside of you.
so, instead of jumping at the chance to be pissed or offended...i could jump at the chance at being different and being understanding.
that whole thought of taking a breath and counting backwards from 10, well, that might be a good thought, when coming across something that makes us naturally react.
in life it seems too easy to fight, rather than to listen and learn.
i came across this quote the other day, and maybe it is the perfect finish to this story of life...

"i am not bound to win,
i am not bound to be true,
i am not bound to succeed,
but i am bound to live up to the light i have."
~abraham lincoln

bound to live up to the light i have.
hmmmmmmmmmmm...
i like that...i like it loads and loads.
maybe we should all be so lucky to live up to that light.
i guess that choice is ours.
to live up to our own light.
yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.