'peanuts' style...

once again, here i am,
the sun is shining brightly today,
and the wind, breezin it up, fo sho.
loveliness in the true sense of the word, i have to say!
somehow, as of late,
we lucky one's that live here, on this lil island,
have gotten to experience a bit of spring,
right here, right now, in the middle of february...
all i have to say to that is...freakin fantabulous! wow!
but, onto the matter at hand...
that's not to say this great weather isn't one of the reasons i'm writing this happiness blog today...
it's definitely part of the reason i'm reminded of happiness...the sun, the sun, the sun! yes!
it's funny to see the change in everyone's face, when it begins to happen, the change in season,
or more like, the little taste of what's to come...people look happier, in general...
they feel better, they are nicer, they smile more...it's like we've been hibernating from happiness when it's cold or rainy...
(and the funniest part of that is that we're in florida, so most people would just laugh at our winter!)
to that, i say, it's all relative, my friends :)
crazy what a little sun can do for the soul, i've gotta tell ya!
i learned that very well this passed year...but that's not even the reason i'm writing today...
no, today is about happiness...
yes, yes, yes...what's new, right?
right....
but...
let me explain...and then if you think i'm just blowing smoke up your @#$%$#, then you're welcome to tell me...
how bout that?
anyways, this is my thought....
last year i read this book called, 'the happiness project'...
for months, i would walk by it in the book store, and pick it up,
and think of buying it...
but would put it back down, and walk away...
then, for some reason...i think i may have just made the decision to move back here from oregon,
i picked it up, walked to the register, and bought it...'no day like today' as they say...
anyways, i couldn't put it down...turns out i was waiting and waiting to buy it...and it was awesome!
long story short...the book is written by a woman that decided that even though her life was good and she was happy,
she felt as if there was something missing, that she most likely could be even happier if she changed some things in her life,
and, basically, and truthfully worked out a happiness project according to her life.
she studied and read everything she could get her hands on about happiness...from scientific, philosophical, and classic authors...then she sat down and mapped out the things she wanted to work on...setting a few goals a month for an entire year.
one of the goals she set is what i'm thinkin of today...
basically, about being more child like, laughing more with her kids, and not being afraid to be goofy.
as we get into adulthood it seems to be one of the things we let go of pretty quickly...
what takes the place of that? rent, college loans, car payments, careers...
geesh! it's overwhelming at times, isn't it?!
what i've been trying to do is do stuff that i really love to do...stuff that's fun...
stuff that makes me laugh, and puts a smile on my face...
then i feel as if i can face those other things that come up in life, just a little better.
i was recently at the library with a 9 year old, finding some books for him...
and as we were looking, i came across these large volumes of 'peanuts'...my all time favorite cartoon...
so, at that moment, i decided, alright, this is the time to be a child, right here, right now...
we walked up with his comic books, and mine too...
so, every morning, after i read my meditation book, i read a few pages of good ole snoopy and the gang...
it makes me smile and laugh every time, i can't lie.
ahhhhhhh, the pleasure of a good comic strip :)
i have to say, it truly reminds me of the goodness and simplicity of being a child.
and even a few days ago, had the chance to hang out with one of my best friends and her husband,
a couple days in a row, and we spent our time together...just playing...
we threw the football, batted the baseball, hit golf balls, went to the beach and ran around taking extremely goofy pics...
and the whole while...
we laughed like we used to! like one of those, hard to catch your breath kinda laughs!
excellent!
we giggled the next day, because we were sore from doing things we hadn't done in so long...
then, of course, it makes you think...
we should do that more often...
why not, right?!
and yes, we're always taking the time to get the important things done...
but then again...i'm thinkin we should be takin some time to do the other things...
the things that make you laugh with abandon...not caring what you look like, or how loud you are!
as these goofy adults that we supposedly are...we must not...can not...should not...
forget to have fun...to laugh at ourselves...to sing as loud as we want...to dance even if we don't think we can (i can, don't get me wrong...i'm just sayin...)...to tell jokes...and hey, sometimes even jump in the air and shout...i kinda like that one! haha!
think about this the next time you feel like you're gonna lose it...
i challenge you...
to be a kid, for at least 5 minutes of your day...
i'm not gonna lie to you though...i do it for way more than 5 minutes a day (and if you know me, you know this. haha!)...
but hey, you gotta start somewhere...
'rome wasn't built in a day'
as for me...
i'm gonna rock it out with 'peanuts' and dance the wild, happy dance of snoopy...
ears in the air...crazy feet with the squigglies depicting the quickness of the dances moves...
and the freakin huge smile on his upturned face...
good grief :)

order dessert...

once again, here i sit...
in the buck...
sippin on a black tea latte'...couple squirts of vanilla...just to make it that much more fun.
have had a stint of being sick the last few days...since valentine's day...
right...perfect, eh? haha!
during this night of hanging out, on the floor of my bathroom...in child's pose...
i realized, pretty quickly that i needed to clean my floor in a big way...
and how nice it would have been to have another living soul there with me to rub my back and tell me that it was gonna be okay...but hey, then again, i wouldn't really want anyone to experience that with me...
because, let's be honest...it's definitely not the prettiest moment in the world, that's for certain.
just the same though...
a little company at the end of it all...when i dragged myself back to my bed...hopin that it was all done with...
well, now...
that would have been nice...
the oh so lovely, curving spoon, to make you feel like you're held and safe.
yeah...
perfect, it would have been.
which brings me to my thought today.
i found myself in a conversation the other night with a couple people i ran into at one of the local bars here,
on this little island i live on,
and somehow the conversation turned onto the subject of being alone.
one of the girls mentioned that a person they were trying to set someone up with might be happy being alone...
now let me just say...
i've been single for 5 or 6 years now...the number is beginning to get foggy,
but my answer to her was that i wasn't sure how happy people are being alone...
i think it's kind of more like, you begin to get used to it...and learn to live that way...
because, honestly, you have to really.
in the beginning of my single-hood, i chose to be single...not being ready for anything,
and still trying to figure out what in the heck i was doing, what i wanted, and what i needed to work on to be a better partner the next go around.
people are pretty quick to spat out the usual sayings of...'there are other fish in the sea'...'you'll find someone way better'...'right when you stop looking, then bam, it'll hit you'.
it's actually quite entertaining...and i should have been writing all these things down.
everyone has got some sage advice to roll onto you about being alone...
which, yes, it's nice to know people are thinking of you...
but i'm just gonna lay this out, without mincing words...
and i have no idea of another way to say it, but mostly, none of them have ever been alone...
maybe for a few months, here and there...between boyfriends and girlfriends.
so, yes, maybe this is a vent...
but this is just to say, being alone, is something you have to learn to do...it's definitely not for sissies.
and in time, it becomes easier...
and after some more time...you begin to look forward to your night alone, or your day spent in the silence of your own thoughts...
you train yourself to eat out by yourself, always having a book on hand, in your car or your purse,
go to the movies alone, (because, seriously, i don't want to talk during a movie)
walk into a bar, being lucky enough to run into some peeps...otherwise, hoping for a t.v. to be set on something interesting enough to watch...
have your cel. phone on hand, and randomly text people to have some kind of conversation going.
oh, the funny things we do to get through it.
but now that i've gotten through the worst part of it all...i'm a practiced loner, that is.
and i'm contently alone...
i still haven't given up on the fact that maybe one day there'll be that curvy spoon at the end of my day.
i hope for it.
i dream about it.
of being 'the master of my own fate, the captain of my soul'...
but the reality of life and love is...
it's all kind of up in the air, isn't it?
one thing i have learned is how important it is to just enjoy what is going on right now.
and right now...
i'm alone.
and it's okay.
there are always days, here and there, that it's sucks...and you've realized...'wow, i haven't talked to one person today'...
those are the days that i walk out my door and suck in the beach air,
and take it all in...
or maybe i jump in my car, and surprise my parents with a night of 'wheel of fortune' and 'jeopardy'.
something as simple as that makes them smile,
and gives me the company of the two people that love me the most in this entire world,
of which, i don't know if i've told you, surprises me and astounds me, all the time!
and hey, if you're lucky enough to have friends and family that are amazing,
then you're that much closer to knowing the secret of it all, eh?!
being surrounded by good people is the spice of life.
don't get me wrong though...knowing how to live alone, being yourself, and being good with that...
it's a test everyday.
it does force you to learn a lot about yourself,
which, in and of itself, is a pretty wondrous thing to do in life...
'know thyself', right? haha!
i sing as loud as i want, early in the morning...
i dance around, as if i were part of some hip hop dance troupe...
i talk to myself, and laugh quite often...
i cook nice meals...and set my little table, just for me...
i drink coffee in bed on my mornings off, and read and watch the sun peak out of the ocean,
watching the colors spread softly across my walls...this makes me sigh and smile...
and yes, these are small, simple pleasures...
what else does one need, really?
i was watching one of my old standby movies the other night...'hope floats'...
yes, yes, totally corny, hopelessly romantic flick,
but that's the kind girl i am...
anyways,
there's a part in it, that sandra bullock is out, eating in a diner alone, feeling self conscious,
and harry connick jr. is sitting at another table...
he mentions to her that the trick to eating alone is to look mysterious...
but as he walks by her, he leans in and says, 'remember, mysterious, and order dessert, just to spite'.
i love that.
just to spite. haha!
that whole alone thing...it can change a person...it can make you stronger...
more willing to break away, and do your own thing.
but it can also make you dwell in your alone-ness...
the key to that is to stand up, pay attention, breathe in, and breathe out...
and recognize that everything is temporary.
and by all means,
order dessert...
just to spite.

dance with the one who brought you

so, am thinking that a little look back might be nice...
although, in the krishnamurti sense of things...
we shouldn't look back, and living and reacting because of the past experiences,
may very well be a bad idea...since supposedly that would be not living, but digging up the stuff that is dead and gone,
instead of living in the here and now...what's happening this very moment, that is...not jaded by the past.
old reactions and old feelings.
but
all that aside,
because, yes,
that would be a really courageous way to live...
sometimes,
seems completely impossible, you know?
i mean...
we are who we are, because of the things that we've done, the things that have happened to us, the people we've met, the people we've fallen in love with, our parents, our childhoods...etc, etc...
the list could, seriously, just go on and on and on!
and there is that saying, 'live and learn', right?
so, i guess the thing is that we have to pick and choose what is most important for us...
what fits us...who we are...what we can be most comfortable with...and maybe, just a little uncomfortable,
because, after all...we still should always leave room to grow, shouldn't we?
sort of like when we buy a shirt or a pair of pants...
i don't know about you, but i'm always thinkin, 'what happens after i wash this?' or 'hmmmmm...what if i gain 5 lbs?'
room to grow :) haha! but seriously, folks...
so, what i was thinking about looking back on...now that i've explained and given justification about looking back...
i was giving thought to the moments in life that things become clear...like an answer comes to you out of nowhere...
that moment that you know everything will be okay, because you just feel it, deep down inside, for no reason.
that kind of moment.
so, take a deep breath, and think about it...
and let me be the first to say, that, for me, these things happen usually after quite a bit of waiting and overthinking and worrying...and yes, honestly, i know this isn't the way to go, believe me...but i know myself well enough to know, that it is who i am...an over-analizer...i think what everything means...gestures...occurrences...tones...yes, that's me.
but i will also admit...right about the time i relax and let go and concentrate on other things...and quit worrying about the outcome...
well...that's right about the time that truth shows itself.
'patience, grasshopper', comes to mind. haha!
it's the other things that comes without thought, that are the most surprising...those simple moments.
like looking across the living room at your best friend, and realizing you're in love with them...and they remember that same moment! crazy!
like walking off the 18th green, towards the clubhouse, and having the girl of your dreams, waiting for you (red t-shirt with a russian saying on it, faded jeans)
like listening to the rambling-est voice message in the world, understanding right then, that the leaver of that message, loves you.
like getting an email from an ex, out of nowhere...when she's the one you've been waiting for the whole time.
yes, i must say...although i haven't been lucky in having those people stay in my life...
those moments...well...wow...i'll never forget them...
that feeling of elation and surprise and ultimate happiness.
it certainly is the most simple and fantastically insane thing that can happen to a person!
most certainly!
and as luck would have it...i've been there!
yes, i know what you're thinking...
geesh...always talking about love! haha!
i know, right?!
i just can't help it, really i can't!
i was thinking about it the other day...about how all of a sudden, out of nowhere...how i came to the conclusion that i was finally passed the point of holding onto something that had been crippling me...
i thought of how calm and self assured i felt...
for no other reason than that knowing feeling...
that feeling of release of what shit i was holding onto!
god! how complicated we make our life, when it's just so damn simple!
why do we, as humans, feel that great need to hold on?!
fear, my friends, fear.
of losing,
of loving,
of not being loved,
of feeling and looking stupid,
and yes, this list could go on and on as well.
the thing is and the reason why i felt the urge to look back,
was that i was thinking that sometimes it's a good idea to remind ourselves of those moments in our lives,
that these things happened without us even trying...whilst we were looking the other way,
happiness, knowledge, enlightenment, answers, and yes, even love...you know i wasn't gonna leave that one out.
when you're having a day that doesn't seem so successful or close to failure...
remember that these wild crazy things do happen and will happen...ranging from small to grandiose.
they happen!
and nope...we can't live in the past...for sure, we cannot and should not do that...
but...
and this is a big big but...
i think we must remember and be aware of what brought us here,
to this place...to this second...to this minute...to this breath.
and if for but a moment, it can bring a smile to your face,
when it's been a long time since you've had one...
then, by all means...
remember these things, and be thankfully glad to have been blessed by their arrival.
carry these feelings around like a sort of badge of courage...
because, let's not lie to ourselves...some days it seems that we do need a shield to protect us from all the crap, flying our way, but the good news is...surprises happen all the time...the impossible becomes possible...
and most assuredly so, we are much stronger than we imagine ourselves to be.
willie nelson is coming to me in the form of ... 'to all the girls i've loved before...' hahahhahaha!
and no, not the one with julio iglesias :)
chin up, my friends...
and by all means, remember who you are and where you came from.

the best version of you

gonna just jump right in today...
first off...
everything is about perception, isn't it?
funny things have gone on in my life the past week that would make me easily believe this.
so, the other day, i had a pretty hectic day at work,
and it happened to be after two days of complete insanity...
i had left my grocery shopping for that day, it seems,
for many reasons...
but mostly, because each time i thought about it,
i balked, basically...being just too tired or not wanting to wait for my satisfaction (cereal eating for dinner).
anyways, i drive into the parking lot, and am walking in, and there's this little old lady, pushing her buggy to her car...
normally, if i see anyone, unloading their buggy near me, i'll offer to take it...
and that day, i did as i usually do...i offered...
she was really cute, and very much appreciated it...i could see also that she was a bit shaky,
so, i helped her unload it as well...
she just looked at me, with a smile on her face, and looked at my name tag that i still had on from my day at work...most likely thinking i was an employee of the grocery store...which i could totally pass for, being i'm there every other day...
as i walked in the store, i couldn't help but smile, because of the smile that spread across her face when i helped her.
then i did the usual overloading of my basket, somehow managing to balance an exorbitant amount of food,
in one little carrier...
as i was walking to my car...i hear a girl saying 'oh, my god, help'...
i look up and see a girl, stopping a moving car...which i had truly no idea of what was happening...
i quickly made my way toward her, and asked her what was going on...
and she begins to tell me that there is no one in the car she is holding onto...
someone had forgotten to put their emergency brake on, and the car was rolling forward, about to hit the car in front of it.
so, i went over to her, and stood in front of the car, and held it, while the girl went inside to find the owner of the car...
so, there i am, leaning against this car...looking pretty funny...
as people are walking by...
then i began to feel stupid, like i needed to explain myself to someone. haha!
just as i was thinking this...some people parked nearby, and an older gentleman asked me what was going on.
i was in the midst of telling him,
as his wife, came over to him, and grabbed his arm and pulled him away,
as if i was a beggar asking him for money...
as they walked away, she turned away and began laughing and making strangely rude faces towards me.
i stood there, leaning against the car...thinking i wanted to run after them and tell them how unfriendly that was...
but just as i was thinking this...the owner of the car came out, and was completely embarrassed and apologetic about me having to hold her car...
truth of the matter is that it didn't take much strength at all...just leverage.
to her though, i could have passed for 'superwoman'...which, hey, who doesn't want to be that, right?! haha!
so, in the small trip to the store, so many thoughts and feelings were flying around...satisfaction, happiness, embarrassment, frustration, empathy, and friendliness.
the stress we put on ourselves about the perceptions of others and,
even worse...the perceptions we put on ourselves...
can make or break how you're feeling for the day...or more truthfully for your life.
many times in my life...i know, most definitely, i am my own worst critic.
if there were someone else, being as rude to me as i am to myself...we'd be have some serious issues!
from day to day, i fluctuate from feeling pretty great about me to berating myself for my lack of this or that.
i honestly, each day, when i get up, after reading my little meditation book,
whether on my way to work, to spin, to yoga...whatever the case may be...
i give myself a pep talk of who i will aspire to be that day...
or the attitude i will have, more like.
i always hope for good things...and if there are bad things...hope to handle them in a wise, kind, genuine, and strong manner.
i've shared this thought with others...but i'll say it again...
for the longest time, my mantra had been,
'be positive, be strong, be loving, and the rest will take care of itself'
and nope...i don't always succeed in that...
but, i promise you this...i try like hell to make it so.
why not, right?!
i was laughing at myself the other day...because i kept repeating the phrase 'be the best version of you, honey'...'just be the best version of you' (and yes...this happened to be in a really tough yoga class)
and the absolute truth is...
what else can we be?
imagine a world of 'best versions'...hmmmmmmmm
okay, that might sound crazy. haha!
but hey...who said dreaming wasn't allowed?
it gives a whole new meaning to that thought of taking a deep breath, before we react...
counting to ten...
and yes...being the best version of you.
rock that out, and see how you feel at the end of the day.
then get up the next day...and there you are...a new version of you!
it is said that each second, each minute, each hour that goes by...we are never the same...
always changing...
always becoming.
i leave you with this thought...
the other day in class...we were doing my most hated pose...frog pose...
it hurts and i'm never very low... and although i am not as open as the person next to me, it makes me groan like a baby...
anyways, the instructor was walking around, adjusting people's positions,
and when he came to me, he made me do something a little different,
and i said to him, ' i don't think i can do that, it just hurts me '....
and he said to me...' honey, why not grow today? '
and there i was...totally surprised by the fact that i could do it, i let go, and i did...and i was okay...
and i grew.
so, i say to you...
why not grow today?

forward...

so, here's the thing...
three guys walk into a coffee shop...(that's for you, longo)
but seriously, folks, this is what i got for the day...
happened to hang out with a friend a few weeks ago,
and we were discussing dreams of life and things...
and my blog...which has been my dream for quite some time.
so, here i am, doing it...
but now, i have to take it a little further,
and i'm unsure of the next step.
one of the things she told me is that maybe i should be more blunt,
and let loose on some things...
maybe not always be so nice.
well, i have been giving that some thought,
and it came to me yesterday,
that although i do have many thoughts that i could spout off,
and most likely vent about,
scream about even,
i'm thinking...
well...
don't we have enough of that in this world?
i mean, seriously...
yes, there is a bit of community in the fact that one could say...
'hey, it's nice to hear that some one else is pissed off about that'...
but then again...
i'm hoping against hope that i can make the day better for whoever decides to visit me,
and read me, if i'm lucky.
i read recently that if you have things to complain about that you should perhaps keep them to yourself.
that mostly, people don't really want to hear those things...
and all it really does, is create more negativity...
it may make you feel better, but it also may ruin the person's day that you are venting to.
hmmmmm...
then again...it is always nice to be able to confer your feelings to a person that is close to you.
i guess maybe once you get it out...just leave it there.
i've found that when i begin to share something like that...i feel the great need to tell the next person, and the next, and the next...
thus, spreading the seed of complainersville just a little further.
yuck!
i've been telling myself lately, as a sort of new years resolution,
to kind of keep that stuff to a low roar, a bare minimum...
i can't say that it's been easy, i have to admit.
the importance of accepting certain things in life for what they are is key,
because, as i've been learning, one can learn from just about everything that comes along...
even the suckiest things that happen...the people that drive you completely insane...
from our extreme failures...especially our extreme failures.
i realize that i'm always referring to yoga class, but hey, it's how i roll...but in yoga,
the poses that are the most difficult for us...they say that we shouldn't run away from that pose...
that it's the pose that we should most likely concentrate on a bit more...because maybe it's something that we truly need.
that if we really dig in a do it up, we grow from there...and we find out more about ourselves.
about what we want from life...about who we are...about what we have inside!
it's a constant reminder of how much work i have left to do...
but it's also really exciting to know that there's just that much more to look forward to!
that life is still unfolding...
i mean, holy shit, right?!
we're all just works in progress...
the point is...or the important thing is to keep progressing...
FORWARD

stay excellent

well...as i sit here today...it's been quite awhile since i've written anything...
a lot has happened since my last posting...
and i truly must apologize for being so invisible for the past month...
i've had so many thoughts of what to write at different points of the month...
but for some unknown reason, could not sit myself down to write any of my thoughts down.
it's just one of those things that happens to me...
lose focus...
get focus...
try to focus...
stay focused.
the latter being the impossible one for me. haha!
anyways, the thing that is in the forefront of my mind happens to be...life.
hmmmmmmmm...
surprising, eh?
i'm perched in a chair at my local buck, caramel machiatto at my side,
and watching people flow in and out of the front door.
yes, it is quite distracting, but, at the same time,
a great way to remind myself that life is constantly changing and moving.
a couple of weeks ago, i came home from work to find my front window open to my apartment...
at first, i thought...'oh, cool, maybe there's a handyman here, fixing my locks on my window'...
but at second glance, i realized there was no handyman, but there had been a person that was quite attracted to my laptop, that sat quite nicely, on the palace saloon table, next to my front window.
soooooooo, laptop stolen...i had to face the fact that there are somedays that people just want what you have...
and there are days...that there's absolutely nothing you can do about it...completely out of our control, what others do.
always a reminder that life is just that sometimes...
wild and wacky and all over the place...
some days people take things and sometimes they give things.
one of my thoughts was that whoever stole the laptop...well, i hope they really needed it.
i was completely astounded as well, by the feeling that someone had punched me in the face.
it just seems as if it's such a personal thing to have people take things from you.
i actually slept the first couple of nights afterwards with a golf club, literally in my hand.
FORE! haha!
the point to all this, if there is one, is the shear fact that life is sort of full of surprises.
that we have no idea what is around the corner...good and bad.
and yes, we have to take the good with the bad...
what truly shows who we are is how we act and react...to all people, places, and things...
verbs, nouns, and adjectives.
things that happen to us...things that we do...how we treat others...family, friends, and strangers.
several years ago i read a book called 'the four agreements'...
it pretty much explained how to live life more soundly...with integrity through our speech and through our actions.
it was an absolutely beautiful book, and a wonderful thought on how to live life.
the problem arises when we are living life, and we forget that what we do and say, affects all people...somehow.
easy to read these things,
but as my yoga dude says, 'when we roll up our mat, and go out into the world, that is the true test of who we are'.
and a test, it truly is!
each day i'm taken aback by the failures i have accomplished in speech and in action...
but each day, when the sun comes up...
i get another chance.
and hey, i'm a firm believer in second chances...and third...and fourth...and so on, and so on.
i was watching a movie the other night, and in it, one of the characters, instead of saying goodbye to his friend,
just walks away and pumps his fist in the air and says, 'stay excellent'...
i kinda like that, and i think i'll keep it.
well, my friends,
stay excellent...
or at least strive to be so.
because if you think about it...
excellent to each of us is different, isn't it?
sort of like people say...it's all relative.
yeah...if each of us sat down, and wrote down what makes us happy or what we would describe as excellent...
most likely there would be thousands upon thousands of different ideas of excellent.
that's the greatest and coolest part of life!
the differences!
maybe we should all sit down by ourselves and write these things down,
and pin it up somewhere in our houses...
to remind us that each day is a day that we can be excellent,
and that even though we may not realize it...along with all the bad things that happen in the world...
good things are happening all around us too...
excellent things even.
don't get me wrong though...
there are definitely those days that, as it happens...seemingly nothing is going our way...
i'm figuring...if we keep moving forward...keeping our eyes, hearts, and minds aware...
anything is possible...and maybe, just maybe, we can find some excellent in each day.
and if you don't...
keep looking.
(fist pumping in the air)...stay excellent

on paper...

i'm gonna jump right in today and tell you a story...
basically, a couple of days ago, i turned 43...
yeah, i know...old! haha!
it was a pretty great day, i have to say.
and honestly, i can say that my birthdays, in the past, have been quite awesome as well.
i've told you before, that i consider myself to be a lucky person.
well...i'm not just making that up...i really am.
anyways, during that day, and maybe starting the day previous, i was having discussions here and there with different friends about turning 43, and how i felt about it.
and no, i wasn't just walking around spouting off my thoughts of 43...it just happened to come up in conversation.
with one friend, i had told her, basically, that it still surprises me when i say my age out loud,
that i feel nowhere near how old i am supposed to be.
that comparatively speaking...if i look at other 43 year olds,
i'm more like maybe, 26.
and what i mean by that and what i explained to my friend is this...
most people my age are in the midst of raising families, owning homes, keeping up with their stock portfolios, and planning their retirements...
and here i am with ownership of almost nothing...
what i do have, some plates and dishes and furniture that has been handed down to me, oh, so luckily by my sweet mother...
i rent.
i have no savings.
barely a checking account.
i wonder each month whether or not i am going to make it.
i'm not saying any of this for pity's sake...
i'm explaining this to add on to part of my story.
be patient :)
so, although, i really don't have anything really to speak of...
i never feel like i'm going without.
like i have less...
until i get that stupid urge to look around, and compare myself.
one of those things that you learn in yoga...
is to not look around to see what the person next to you is doing.
if only to figure out what position is being called out...
but to compare is always a bad idea...
it will either make you feel worse about yourself or too good about yourself...
instead of just being who you are...
and them being who they are.
learning to work with what you have within yourself...
instead all of that additional stuff that we keep buying, thinking it's going to make this huge difference...
because in the end...as my friend and i were talking about...
it's just stuff.
okay, so, now to roll on to the 'on paper' aspect of the story.
after dinner the other night,
my brother, a friend of mine, and myself,
went down the street to a restaurant to have a little dessert,
after having way too much sushi...
but hey, it was my birthday...why not get completely obliterated by sweet treats?
seriously!
on our walk to the restaurant, my friend was talking about this boy she was meeting up with that night.
so, my brother and i were asking questions about who this guy was, and maybe if he was a prospect of some kind...
she proceeds to describe him and at a certain point, mentions the fact that he looks good on paper.
my brother and i, being the smart asses that we are, just looked at each other and began making wise cracks about this 'on paper' comment. haha!
and to add to that she described another fellow as looking really good physically, but on paper, failed miserabley.
it's funny to me how we make those decisions about people.
grading them according to the things they have, what they look like, and where they've gone to school, etc.
i guess it is the process that we decide whether or not that person is what we want.
not long ago, i was sitting and having coffee with a friend,
and she was describing her ex in the same way,
as she described him, and his 'on paper' downfalls...
i realized that she could have been describing me!
haha!
i walked out that day, thinking...'wow, if everyone goes through that list, i may be single forever!'
haha!
but seriously...
the truth is...to each one of us...the 'on paper' thing is part of life.
but there are things that aren't 'on paper' that can make a big difference.
for me,
i guess i'm gonna have to go with believing that my 'off paper' attributes are what's gonna bring me home.
because really, in the end...it's all i have.
just me.
and what i've learned and am learning in these 43 years of life...
is that,
i am enough.