so, here we are again,
in our little dance of dances...
reading and writing...learning and conferring information and stories.
it's kinda fun, i have to admit...walkin into the coffee shop, and wondering what is gonna come up in me to peck away at the keys, and hopefully, have some semblance of sense and inspiration.
well, that's the hope, at least.
most days i just walk away, thinkin, 'okay, that turned out alright' or 'hmmmmmm, i have no idea if that all came together, and made any sense'.
it's a fun way to write, really...
and just hope that it somehow just works.
the road to get to this place, where i'm okay with people reading what i think has been a long one.
chock full of a few of my friends, being the true pushers of me getting here.
so, i have to say, i am so glad they did...giving me enough courage, somehow to not be afraid.
don't get me wrong though, yes, i'm still a little bit afraid to let it all out, but little by little,
i feel as if i'm gaining those 'writing legs', kinda sorta like 'sea legs' as boating people would call it :)
it's a pretty awesome thing to have enough people in your life that want to see your dreams realized,
that in some way, shape, and form, you begin to slowly wake up from all of that dreaming,
and start doing.
for some people, the dreams are way huge,
and for others, the dreams are more simple.
but the importance of having those people in your life that nudge, push, or shove you in that direction...
well...
i probably don't even need to say it...
but their importance in your whole dream scenario...
is HUGE!
and well, acknowledging that importance, i think, is something that must always be done as well.
because, honestly, when we get somewhere...we usually don't get there alone.
one of the things i like to do...since the amazingness of texting came about...
although, yes, a lot of people think texting is from the devil and taking away the personal touch in life...
what i like to do is on random days, scroll through my phone and send my close friends a nice thought for the day...
or maybe even a compliment...or for my really special friends...just some love.
i've worked out a way to send kisses too...this is my symbol for it :)(:
right right...pretty goofy! haha!
of course, only certain people get that, and really, no one actually knows what that means, except, my friend, mic.
i like to think i'm the one who thought that up...but really, who knows.
as some say, no thought is original...everything is just a repeat.
have decided that keeping it light today, might be the way to go...to go along with the beginning of spring, right?
light and easy.
let's just say, that when you think something nice about someone, don't be afraid to say it...
give it to em...let em have it.
you have no idea what kind of impact you can have, by saying just a few kinds words to another human being.
it's the simplest form of happiness...just to be kind, and how surprising it is when it comes back around to you.
if you've ever noticed when you around a person that is positive, happy, and loving...
it's almost as if it floats onto you like a blanket...makes you feel somewhat warm and safe and glad to be alive.
i often get texts back from my friends, saying, 'oh wow, you have no idea how much i needed that today!'
in turn that makes me happy that i could make them smile and make their day better.
win win, right? right on!
yes, most likely that is a re-run of what i've been writing about since i started this blog...
but it is so important, i think it can stand to be repeated...just sayin...
i'm pretty well known amongst my friends for leaving the longest voice messages in the world (and yes, really long long texts, i can't lie)...
so, long that as i'm talking, i get cut off by the message gods. haha!
mostly, people just laugh about it...and it can be a form of entertainment,
because by the end of it, they know my life story of what has been going on that day or generally speaking, in my life.
the subjects range from how awesome i may think they are, to what i saw that day, or maybe just nothing but babbles of life, love, and happiness.
of course, yes, there are a couple of my buds, that basically, will not listen to the whole thing, and erase it...then call me to ask what i wanted...
to that i always tell them, 'what if i said something so amazing and awesome, never to be repeated again...you've just missed out'. haha!
the truth of that is...
sometimes we do need to wait til the end...
because, yep...you just never know...
like skipping to the end of a novel, just to see what happens, without reading through the book.
sometimes, we just have to take the time to get there.
feel the breeze, smell the tulips, walk on the grass, scoop the sand up in our hands and let it run through, and lean our heads back and feel the sun shining on our faces....ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
that's the good stuff, eh?
yep.
so, here's a thought for you...
and maybe this isn't the way you may think, but let's just say, there are a few people in your life,
that really make the difference in almost everyday for you...
maybe they are the last thought before you go to sleep and the first thought when you wake up, even...(which, by the way, sounds a lot like love to me)
tell them.
because even though it may make you nervous to say it or feel kinda goofy to admit it...
they need to hear it...in more ways than one, i'm sure.
and honestly, in my mind, why waste time without truth of heart?
that's the one, simple, honest, and lovely thing we all have...we just have to let it out, and not worry what others may think.
i've just finished reading the book i've told you guys all about in a few of my other blogposts...
the one by krishnamurti...'freedom from the known'
anyways, it took me ages to actually get through it, because much of it seemed way above my head of understanding...but the some of it really rang true to me...and part of that was about passion of life...
he says at the end of the book...'passion is a rather frightening thing because if you have passion, you don't know where it will take you.'
he says that it's not something that you can seek, invite, or wait for...it's maybe one of those things that has to come upon us like a cool breeze, when we leave our front door open....it just happens...
and when it does, our human nature is to analyze it, beat it up, and trample it with thought...
instead maybe we should just feel it and enjoy it while it's there, not trying to understand it, but live in it.
the funny thing is, at the end of this book, he says that as soon as we close this book, we'll either forget everything that was in it, or take some of it away with us, and repeat it to others, or compare it to some other books we've read...
trying apply it to our lives, he says, will not help us...
what it does is just takes us away from who we really are...and the only person that can do that for you...
is you.
no one else will take you there, and know you, and understand you...except you...in your own truth and your own wisdom of self.
added to that though, is that wonderful feeling you may get when that person is in the room that makes you feel as if you're saved...that all it takes is just a look from them, to settle you into the sheer fact that all will be okay, and that you're going to make it, and that your heart is alive...it doesn't even take words...that's when you know your life is good.
the thing that i've been learning in my life, is that as i get older, i'm less scared to say how i feel...
but in that fearlessness, sometimes is the curse of thinking that others understand where we're coming from...
in that, what we must understand or be okay with, is that when we give, we can't expect to receive...
that we have to give for the soul reason of giving,
and be content in that.
to share part of who you are with others can be a slippery slope if we get lost in the feeling of, 'i want this given back to me'.
so, in a way, when we put it out there, it's like throwing that proverbial caution to the wind, and let it loose.
what might be the way to go is to not be afraid to be kind...
because in truth...it can only make life better.
yours and whoever you're giving it to.
as for me, i know that it seems to always have a way of returning to you.
in different ways, from different people, and at different times.
sometimes, in the perfect moment,
and when it comes at odd times...well, we still must remember...it's coming to us...
that's special, in and of itself.
life and love are inexplainable mostly...and passion is without control...
geesh...you ask, what is in our control?
hmmmmmmm...
great question!
of course, all of our answers will be different and come from way different places and spaces within us...
that is what makes each and every one of us...who we are...
as they say in yoga...'the way out is in'
and for sure, for sure...what's in there...inside of you...
whether you're ready to look at it or not...it is 'powerful beyond measure', my friends.
share that stuff with others, the stuff that's within you.
that is definitely the only way this world is going to become a better place...
not with money, not with houses, not with cars, not even with sweet ass dancin shoes (i hate to admit)...
it's with heart, with soul, with passion of life, and with love.
that's the shit, guys,
it's the real deal.
if my writing that, sounds like i'm excited...well, you know it! haha!
how can i not be?!
i'll leave ya, with this lil quote from george elliot...'blessed is the influence of one true, loving human soul to another'...
enough said :)
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
mirrors of you...
ever have those times that you just feel as if there's too much to say?
well...i'm kinda thinkin that this time, is one of those times for me.
just coming off a fantastic weekend away from home in atlanta,
and so many things are floating around in this head of mine,
i can't even begin to tell you...
but
i'll try to make some of it make a little sense.
i do have to say how amazing a change of scenery is for the psyche!
wowzers! no lie, right?!
honestly, just strolling through the piedmont park,
or trapsing through lil 5, into abadaba, my fave shoe spot, (which, by the way, got some sweet ass kicks)
or hangin in virginia highlands, browsing through shops,
and basically, people watching.
it's one of the funny things that happens to you, when you're not at home,
and you're not thinking about your job, paying bills, or working out...
you're just enjoying each moment as it comes along,
moments of thinking, 'man, why don't i live here?' or 'oh, my god, so nice to see others just like me'...
i'm not alone! wow!
and nope, we aren't alone, ever, to be perfectly honest...
but yes, there are days that you can feel absolutely alone in the person that you are,
or how you feel, or maybe even what you stand for.
the important part of that is...
that you just are that...you...nothing else.
no walls, no guards (as much as we want to put them up), no excuses.
just you.
through the years of friends, family, and girlfriends, i've realized that we are different people with different people.
we know the things we can say and do around certain people.
and we live accordingly, many times.
i could lie and say that i'm always the same person with everyone...
but i'm not...definitely not.
and in some ways, maybe that's okay...
but in some ways, i'm thinking that i have to learn to shed all of that worry about whether or not,
this person or that person can handle it or not,
who i am.
and who we are is important!
so important!
i was laughing with a friend the other day when we were talking about love stuff,
and i was explaining myself and how i am to her,
and saying basically, i wish i could just be normal, like i am with every other person,
with a person i have feelings for...
instead, i'm nervy, worried about what i'm saying, how it comes out, how i look, stumbling over things,
and googley eyed and headed. it's pretty fantastically hilarious, really! haha!
but what we were saying was, 'wow, if that person could only know us as we really are, they'd probably like us much more'...
'i'm so much funnier usually!' haha!
which also brings me to my other thought...
trying to always look inwardly, and figure out the things that aren't so great about what's inside of us,
it becomes pretty difficult to look at...because seemingly there are so many things to work on.
always becoming, right?
right.
the total truth is...no matter what...
looking inwardly, and knowing our downfalls, and owning up to them,
is just the beginning of rolling forward, and becoming.
there's no easy way to look in a mirror.
it's almost like looking into one of those crazy mirrors at a cosmetics counter.
oy veh!
scary close and magnified!
seeing every pore and every blemish...ugh...
but then again...if we don't look that closely, how will we ever grow as individuals?
in yoga today, my instructor was talking about being our own worst critics, and also the way each of us see's differently.
no matter what...we may be looking at the same sunrise, the same work of art, or watching the same movie...
but we all will most definitely take what we want from it or put our own spin on what's happening.
it's just human nature, the way we live, the things we've been through steer us to the way we see it all.
the philosopher, krishnamurti believed that instead of reacting to things because of past experiences,
and notions that we've come to through those experiences,
that we should just be right in the moment, without judgement,
somehow without thought, and revel in that exact moment.
to me, i wonder how you could make it through life without living on those past experiences.
sounds interesting though, but seemingly really hard to live without thought of your thoughts!
geez!
haha!
alright, alright...confusing right?
so, let's just say this...we're so quick to judge all of what's going on around us,
that maybe, just maybe, we're sort of forgetting to let the universe just take care of it...
and have some faith that things do have a way of working themselves out.
i have a humongous struggle with this always. always thinking of the right things to do and say.
always making extra efforts at certain things that i really and truly have no control over.
it's one of my most idiotic frailties...but yes, it is who i am though...hard for a leopard to change it's spots :)
we love who we love, we are who we are, whatever will be will be....yep yep...all songs. haha!
i guess what we must remember through all of the introspection,
a few things...
first of all, the root of the word education is educere, which means to draw forth from within...
secondly, the philosopher carl rogers once said, 'the curious paradox is that when i accept myself just as i am, then i can change'
and last...there's a turkish proverb that goes like this...'no matter how far you have gone down a wrong road, turn back'
and yeah, right, you may be wondering why i'm quoting all of these things...
but i guess the reason being that for ages and ages people have been thinkin, writin, and talkin about just this...
change, who we are, acceptance, love, and looking within to find all of the answers.
and no matter how hokey it does sound, my friends...
the answers...
all of them...
are right there...
inside of you.
yes, i have a hard time believing that i have all the answers, although i'm pretty sure my dad thinks he does...
at least, that's what he always says. haha!
but seriously and honestly...
to be simple and truthful to yourself, and believe in the power within you to understand and perhaps to endure...
well, then, yes, yes, yes, it is within all of us.
we just actually have to believe it...
then...
who knows what can happen, right?
right!
i leave you with this,
as i was driving up to atlanta this passed week, i was excited, and listening to music,
singing and dancing in my car, and dreaming of the good time i was about to have...
and this rap song came on as i was shuffling through the stations...
in the song, there was a line that i took away with me...
the rapster said, 'everyone dies, but not everyone lives'...
hmmmmmmmm...
prophetic words from a booty shaking song, i can't lie...
but hey,
i choose to live.
i mean seriously, guys...
why not live?!
to fullest and brightest extent that we can!
not apologizing for who we are constantly...
but just as we say at the end of yoga...namaste...
the light in me recognizes the light in you...
right on, i say! right on!
all the crap we tell ourselves thats no good...cast that out...
and live!
after all, we only this one life to do it in...
unless, of course, you believe otherwise...and hey, that's a whole other discussion.
but let's just say...
live it now...and be you...
and if you need a change of scenery to wake up and smell the coffee...
then by all means, do that too!
supposedly though, we don't have to go anywhere to figure all that out...
you can pretty much do it from wherever you are...
as for me, i can't lie...getting away, seems to clear space for everything i seem to hold onto,
and reminds me of what i've left behind, what i've been missing, and how lucky i am to have an amazing place to come back to.
which brings me back around the point...
we're all different, we all see what we see, and do what we do.
the importance of knowing thyself is life changing and mind blowing and world becoming, for sure.
so, look in the mirror, don't be afraid...even if it is scary...to see all that...
know that what you're seeing in that mirror,
carries within itself...
all that you need.
you.
well...i'm kinda thinkin that this time, is one of those times for me.
just coming off a fantastic weekend away from home in atlanta,
and so many things are floating around in this head of mine,
i can't even begin to tell you...
but
i'll try to make some of it make a little sense.
i do have to say how amazing a change of scenery is for the psyche!
wowzers! no lie, right?!
honestly, just strolling through the piedmont park,
or trapsing through lil 5, into abadaba, my fave shoe spot, (which, by the way, got some sweet ass kicks)
or hangin in virginia highlands, browsing through shops,
and basically, people watching.
it's one of the funny things that happens to you, when you're not at home,
and you're not thinking about your job, paying bills, or working out...
you're just enjoying each moment as it comes along,
moments of thinking, 'man, why don't i live here?' or 'oh, my god, so nice to see others just like me'...
i'm not alone! wow!
and nope, we aren't alone, ever, to be perfectly honest...
but yes, there are days that you can feel absolutely alone in the person that you are,
or how you feel, or maybe even what you stand for.
the important part of that is...
that you just are that...you...nothing else.
no walls, no guards (as much as we want to put them up), no excuses.
just you.
through the years of friends, family, and girlfriends, i've realized that we are different people with different people.
we know the things we can say and do around certain people.
and we live accordingly, many times.
i could lie and say that i'm always the same person with everyone...
but i'm not...definitely not.
and in some ways, maybe that's okay...
but in some ways, i'm thinking that i have to learn to shed all of that worry about whether or not,
this person or that person can handle it or not,
who i am.
and who we are is important!
so important!
i was laughing with a friend the other day when we were talking about love stuff,
and i was explaining myself and how i am to her,
and saying basically, i wish i could just be normal, like i am with every other person,
with a person i have feelings for...
instead, i'm nervy, worried about what i'm saying, how it comes out, how i look, stumbling over things,
and googley eyed and headed. it's pretty fantastically hilarious, really! haha!
but what we were saying was, 'wow, if that person could only know us as we really are, they'd probably like us much more'...
'i'm so much funnier usually!' haha!
which also brings me to my other thought...
trying to always look inwardly, and figure out the things that aren't so great about what's inside of us,
it becomes pretty difficult to look at...because seemingly there are so many things to work on.
always becoming, right?
right.
the total truth is...no matter what...
looking inwardly, and knowing our downfalls, and owning up to them,
is just the beginning of rolling forward, and becoming.
there's no easy way to look in a mirror.
it's almost like looking into one of those crazy mirrors at a cosmetics counter.
oy veh!
scary close and magnified!
seeing every pore and every blemish...ugh...
but then again...if we don't look that closely, how will we ever grow as individuals?
in yoga today, my instructor was talking about being our own worst critics, and also the way each of us see's differently.
no matter what...we may be looking at the same sunrise, the same work of art, or watching the same movie...
but we all will most definitely take what we want from it or put our own spin on what's happening.
it's just human nature, the way we live, the things we've been through steer us to the way we see it all.
the philosopher, krishnamurti believed that instead of reacting to things because of past experiences,
and notions that we've come to through those experiences,
that we should just be right in the moment, without judgement,
somehow without thought, and revel in that exact moment.
to me, i wonder how you could make it through life without living on those past experiences.
sounds interesting though, but seemingly really hard to live without thought of your thoughts!
geez!
haha!
alright, alright...confusing right?
so, let's just say this...we're so quick to judge all of what's going on around us,
that maybe, just maybe, we're sort of forgetting to let the universe just take care of it...
and have some faith that things do have a way of working themselves out.
i have a humongous struggle with this always. always thinking of the right things to do and say.
always making extra efforts at certain things that i really and truly have no control over.
it's one of my most idiotic frailties...but yes, it is who i am though...hard for a leopard to change it's spots :)
we love who we love, we are who we are, whatever will be will be....yep yep...all songs. haha!
i guess what we must remember through all of the introspection,
a few things...
first of all, the root of the word education is educere, which means to draw forth from within...
secondly, the philosopher carl rogers once said, 'the curious paradox is that when i accept myself just as i am, then i can change'
and last...there's a turkish proverb that goes like this...'no matter how far you have gone down a wrong road, turn back'
and yeah, right, you may be wondering why i'm quoting all of these things...
but i guess the reason being that for ages and ages people have been thinkin, writin, and talkin about just this...
change, who we are, acceptance, love, and looking within to find all of the answers.
and no matter how hokey it does sound, my friends...
the answers...
all of them...
are right there...
inside of you.
yes, i have a hard time believing that i have all the answers, although i'm pretty sure my dad thinks he does...
at least, that's what he always says. haha!
but seriously and honestly...
to be simple and truthful to yourself, and believe in the power within you to understand and perhaps to endure...
well, then, yes, yes, yes, it is within all of us.
we just actually have to believe it...
then...
who knows what can happen, right?
right!
i leave you with this,
as i was driving up to atlanta this passed week, i was excited, and listening to music,
singing and dancing in my car, and dreaming of the good time i was about to have...
and this rap song came on as i was shuffling through the stations...
in the song, there was a line that i took away with me...
the rapster said, 'everyone dies, but not everyone lives'...
hmmmmmmmm...
prophetic words from a booty shaking song, i can't lie...
but hey,
i choose to live.
i mean seriously, guys...
why not live?!
to fullest and brightest extent that we can!
not apologizing for who we are constantly...
but just as we say at the end of yoga...namaste...
the light in me recognizes the light in you...
right on, i say! right on!
all the crap we tell ourselves thats no good...cast that out...
and live!
after all, we only this one life to do it in...
unless, of course, you believe otherwise...and hey, that's a whole other discussion.
but let's just say...
live it now...and be you...
and if you need a change of scenery to wake up and smell the coffee...
then by all means, do that too!
supposedly though, we don't have to go anywhere to figure all that out...
you can pretty much do it from wherever you are...
as for me, i can't lie...getting away, seems to clear space for everything i seem to hold onto,
and reminds me of what i've left behind, what i've been missing, and how lucky i am to have an amazing place to come back to.
which brings me back around the point...
we're all different, we all see what we see, and do what we do.
the importance of knowing thyself is life changing and mind blowing and world becoming, for sure.
so, look in the mirror, don't be afraid...even if it is scary...to see all that...
know that what you're seeing in that mirror,
carries within itself...
all that you need.
you.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
what led me here...
before i start off on my ramblings...
i just kinda wanted to make mention of the fact that i made it passed my 1000 hit mark this week...
i've been aiming for it, and quite excited about it as well...
and basically, none of that would have happened without you guys, checkin in, here and there...
i appreciate it, more than you know...and more than you can possibly imagine!
so, thank you!
of course, now that i've passed that mark...really what was it all about? haha!
onto the next goal right? hmmmmmm...
i guess, in life, we're always setting little marks for ourselves...
then, when we pass them...what do we do? make another mark.
it seems to be a never ending circle, doesn't it?
but i guess, in a lot of ways, we just like to know where we've come from or where we've been...
something like that...
and as long as we keep rollin on, it's nice to make little marks...
sort of like the little marks that you make when you're little,
against the door jamb, to see how much taller you've gotten from one year to the next.
which brings me to my actual thought for this day of blogging.
a few weeks ago, when one of my best friends was in town...
the one i ran around the beach, taking goofy pictures with...that one...
anyways, her and her hubby were making a little driving cd for the trip back to atlanta...
and lucky for me, they made me a copy.
i've totally been driving and singing to it for the last several weeks.
one of the songs on there is a darius rucker song about life and decisions and near misses.
basically...those things being what shape your life, and end up bringing you to this exact moment.
ranging from small things like missed traffic lights, to not being accepted to the college of your choice, and having to go to a different one.
little bit of a destiny song, really.
it's a pretty happy song, that has taken me into work and made me in a good mood, i can't lie.
it makes me think back on the many different decisions in my life that led me to an amazing array of spots and stories and loves.
most of us can pin point some of these things exactly as they happened.
for me, there were some pretty big ones...
such as...
deciding to work at a golf course, after my first teaching job...
there i met one of my close friends, (in between all of this time, i moved to arizona, turned down a teaching job in napa valley, and then ended up in another teaching job in jacksonville) then i ended up caddying for her on the european and the lpga tours...
and from that, i met one of the most amazing loves of my life, which in turn was the reason for me finally coming out of the closet to all of my family and friends...
which, i'm not gonna pretend at all...was crazily huge, and to be perfectly honest, i know i would have eventually come out, but it was definitely the impetus behind getting out...i remember distinctly her saying...'i can't imagine being with some one who isn't out'...
and that was it for me...i drove 16 hours home from connecticut, and let it out.
from there i ended up broken hearted,
but somehow lucked into another teaching job,
in which i met another awesome friend, that was one of the reasons i walked into a local coffee shop,
and met the next love of my life...which phenomenally changed my scope of life and love in all ways.
she even showed me a different side to having a family, which i was never really sure i'd ever have.
there was even a day that i woke up last year, while trying to make the decision to move home from oregon,
the day after i had made the decision to stay for the summer, then come home...
well, i woke up and had this strong urge to just go home...
i quit my job, sold my things, jumped in my cube, drove down the pch, and across america, and came home...
not a month and a half after being home, found out my dad had a brain tumor...which amazingly so...has fully recovered from.
wowzers! that's all i can muster up to say about that.
besides those decisions, there have been smaller one's, such as those nights that you feel as though, 'i should get out tonight, i'm feeling good'...and low and behold...great things happen...
like meeting a great friend...running into an old friend...or randomly ending up, meeting a sexy girl, that, by the end of the night, you're driving home, 4 in the morning, laughing and hooting out your window, wondering how it all happened! (shirt unbuttoned!) haha!
yes, yes, yes...life can be a whirlwind of near misses and straight on collisions, i'm here to tell ya!
which brings me back to the darius rucker song...
'...thank god for all i missed, cuz it led me here to this...'
all things lead to this moment, basically...
every action, reaction, decision, indecision...
here we are.
and we are here, because of all that, aren't we?
i'm here to say, i'm so glad that i didn't move when i thought i should have,
that i had my heart broken when i did,
that i went out when i felt that it was right,
that i said what i needed to say, when i just couldn't hold it in...
because the truth of all of that is that i'm in this exact spot because of it...
and i've had some kind of astounding luck with it all!
my bad luck has turned out to be good luck...which, if you think about it, is utterly insane! haha!
as i've told you before, i regularly go to yoga...
and one of the things that is always being talked about is being in the moment.
of sort of being in your breath.
relaxing into a pose, and losing all thought of anything else...
i have to admit though, that there are times that this works,
because you're in so much pain, all you can do is be in that moment. haha!
nothing else is affecting you, basically.
you're staring at a spot on the wall, a crystal, a light socket, whatever it is...
and you're breathing.
that's all there is, right then...is that moment exactly, as you wait expectantly for the yogi to say the next pose...
but even then, you're getting ahead of yourself...you just have to be right there, feeling each muscle aching,
each drip of sweat dropping, each inhale and exhale...
settling into where you are.
it's teaching me a lot about living in the moment...and enjoying life, if at all possible without judgement of that moment either way...
as it comes, live it, appreciate it for what it is, learn your lessons, and know that more are around the corner.
so, the next time you're leaving the house,
and you forget something inside,
have to go back in and get it...
who knows? maybe that will be just enough time for the red light to be missed,
for that person to walk into the coffee shop,
for that dog to get across the street,
or for that reckless driver not be anywhere near you.
near misses and head on collisions, my friends...life is full of them.
as socrates would say, true learning comes from remembering.
look back, remember, and be thankful for what you've missed out on...
and what has smacked you right in the kisser.
all of that has brought you to this exact moment.
take it in and go with it.
i just kinda wanted to make mention of the fact that i made it passed my 1000 hit mark this week...
i've been aiming for it, and quite excited about it as well...
and basically, none of that would have happened without you guys, checkin in, here and there...
i appreciate it, more than you know...and more than you can possibly imagine!
so, thank you!
of course, now that i've passed that mark...really what was it all about? haha!
onto the next goal right? hmmmmmm...
i guess, in life, we're always setting little marks for ourselves...
then, when we pass them...what do we do? make another mark.
it seems to be a never ending circle, doesn't it?
but i guess, in a lot of ways, we just like to know where we've come from or where we've been...
something like that...
and as long as we keep rollin on, it's nice to make little marks...
sort of like the little marks that you make when you're little,
against the door jamb, to see how much taller you've gotten from one year to the next.
which brings me to my actual thought for this day of blogging.
a few weeks ago, when one of my best friends was in town...
the one i ran around the beach, taking goofy pictures with...that one...
anyways, her and her hubby were making a little driving cd for the trip back to atlanta...
and lucky for me, they made me a copy.
i've totally been driving and singing to it for the last several weeks.
one of the songs on there is a darius rucker song about life and decisions and near misses.
basically...those things being what shape your life, and end up bringing you to this exact moment.
ranging from small things like missed traffic lights, to not being accepted to the college of your choice, and having to go to a different one.
little bit of a destiny song, really.
it's a pretty happy song, that has taken me into work and made me in a good mood, i can't lie.
it makes me think back on the many different decisions in my life that led me to an amazing array of spots and stories and loves.
most of us can pin point some of these things exactly as they happened.
for me, there were some pretty big ones...
such as...
deciding to work at a golf course, after my first teaching job...
there i met one of my close friends, (in between all of this time, i moved to arizona, turned down a teaching job in napa valley, and then ended up in another teaching job in jacksonville) then i ended up caddying for her on the european and the lpga tours...
and from that, i met one of the most amazing loves of my life, which in turn was the reason for me finally coming out of the closet to all of my family and friends...
which, i'm not gonna pretend at all...was crazily huge, and to be perfectly honest, i know i would have eventually come out, but it was definitely the impetus behind getting out...i remember distinctly her saying...'i can't imagine being with some one who isn't out'...
and that was it for me...i drove 16 hours home from connecticut, and let it out.
from there i ended up broken hearted,
but somehow lucked into another teaching job,
in which i met another awesome friend, that was one of the reasons i walked into a local coffee shop,
and met the next love of my life...which phenomenally changed my scope of life and love in all ways.
she even showed me a different side to having a family, which i was never really sure i'd ever have.
there was even a day that i woke up last year, while trying to make the decision to move home from oregon,
the day after i had made the decision to stay for the summer, then come home...
well, i woke up and had this strong urge to just go home...
i quit my job, sold my things, jumped in my cube, drove down the pch, and across america, and came home...
not a month and a half after being home, found out my dad had a brain tumor...which amazingly so...has fully recovered from.
wowzers! that's all i can muster up to say about that.
besides those decisions, there have been smaller one's, such as those nights that you feel as though, 'i should get out tonight, i'm feeling good'...and low and behold...great things happen...
like meeting a great friend...running into an old friend...or randomly ending up, meeting a sexy girl, that, by the end of the night, you're driving home, 4 in the morning, laughing and hooting out your window, wondering how it all happened! (shirt unbuttoned!) haha!
yes, yes, yes...life can be a whirlwind of near misses and straight on collisions, i'm here to tell ya!
which brings me back to the darius rucker song...
'...thank god for all i missed, cuz it led me here to this...'
all things lead to this moment, basically...
every action, reaction, decision, indecision...
here we are.
and we are here, because of all that, aren't we?
i'm here to say, i'm so glad that i didn't move when i thought i should have,
that i had my heart broken when i did,
that i went out when i felt that it was right,
that i said what i needed to say, when i just couldn't hold it in...
because the truth of all of that is that i'm in this exact spot because of it...
and i've had some kind of astounding luck with it all!
my bad luck has turned out to be good luck...which, if you think about it, is utterly insane! haha!
as i've told you before, i regularly go to yoga...
and one of the things that is always being talked about is being in the moment.
of sort of being in your breath.
relaxing into a pose, and losing all thought of anything else...
i have to admit though, that there are times that this works,
because you're in so much pain, all you can do is be in that moment. haha!
nothing else is affecting you, basically.
you're staring at a spot on the wall, a crystal, a light socket, whatever it is...
and you're breathing.
that's all there is, right then...is that moment exactly, as you wait expectantly for the yogi to say the next pose...
but even then, you're getting ahead of yourself...you just have to be right there, feeling each muscle aching,
each drip of sweat dropping, each inhale and exhale...
settling into where you are.
it's teaching me a lot about living in the moment...and enjoying life, if at all possible without judgement of that moment either way...
as it comes, live it, appreciate it for what it is, learn your lessons, and know that more are around the corner.
so, the next time you're leaving the house,
and you forget something inside,
have to go back in and get it...
who knows? maybe that will be just enough time for the red light to be missed,
for that person to walk into the coffee shop,
for that dog to get across the street,
or for that reckless driver not be anywhere near you.
near misses and head on collisions, my friends...life is full of them.
as socrates would say, true learning comes from remembering.
look back, remember, and be thankful for what you've missed out on...
and what has smacked you right in the kisser.
all of that has brought you to this exact moment.
take it in and go with it.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
what's in a name...
i'm gonna hit the ground running today with you guys...
i realized the other day that i hadn't actually explained the story behind my blog name...
although there are a few of you that already know it,
there are probably a lot more that don't.
and most likely, you were just thinkin that was part of my name, basically...
and weren't thinkin of it at all. haha!
but there is a story behind the name, so, am thinking that it's pretty worth sharing now.
now that i've posted 30 spots...i'm feelin as if we know each other well enough to let you in on this secret...
so, mom, close your ears, because, yes, she's been asking me to change it...
but, to me, it's kind of important and i'm compelled to keep it the way it is.
so, here goes...
i should preface this by saying that i grew up in hilliard, a very very small town, (at the time i was there...we only had one red light)
just down the road from here...from the time i was in 3rd grade til the time i graduated...
then we moved here...to this luscious lil island.
anyways, back to the story...
last year, as some of you know, i lived in portland, oregon, for an 8 month stint.
i came home for christmas though, and i was in contact with one of my friends that i grew up with,
and we had decided that we were going to meet up for a beer or two or three :)
we decided that, for kicks, we'd meet up at the local bar in hilliard called 'the tree house lounge'.
so, on the given night, i borrowed my mom's car and drove over there...a 35 minute drive through the woods, basically,
and there we met...i have to admit, i was a little bit nervous, being i'd only been in this bar one other time,
after all of my friends and i had graduated from college...we thought it would be fun to hit this little local honky tonk.
so, i waited for my buddy to get there and we walked in together...
his family has owned the bar since i can remember, so, everyone knew him, and i actually got in for free...he, being like royalty there.
immediately, i felt a bit out of place...wearing my 'peace, love, harvard' tshirt with a long sleeve shirt under it,
and my poofy patagonia vest with a beanie cap on as well.
but hey, i grew up here, so i was talking myself into the fact that i belonged there too.
anyways, we sat down and ordered, and as the night progressed, more and more people walked in...
the music system was blaring the latest country tunes, and we were catching up on life.
next thing you know...person after person came up to say hello, and all saying, 'hey, aren't you honey deacon, i'm blankity blank, don't you remember me?'...sometimes i did remember, sometimes not...being it had been almost 25 years since i had seen some of them...and people do change...not me, just other people. haha!
anyways, one guy said to me, 'hey, have you seen so and so, i'm pretty sure she bats for your team'...
i couldn't quite remember who he was talking about, but then after some time of back and forth,
he decides to get her and bring her over.
turns out, as soon as i saw her face, i remembered who she was.
we laughed loud and hard when we saw each other...and then we embraced and began to catch up on what we had been up to the last few years...it was really great!
as we were chatting, she asked me if i was single, and i said yes, for about 5 years now...
then she proceeded to tell me, 'well, no worries there, you're a catch, somebody will sweep you up soon enough, after all, you're honey fucking deacon'...
at that comment, i laughed and said, 'what?'...not being sure i heard her right...
she explained to me...'you were my idol when we were growing up...you were the best singer, you were an awesome athlete, you were so cool...different from anyone else'...
she said some other things, and we continued our conversation, and had a blast catching up on life...
as i drove home that night...i couldn't stop giggling to myself about that conversation...honey fucking deacon. haha!
the next morning i got up and relayed the stories of the night to my parents and my little bro, and we laughed some more...and at a certain point, my bro was like, 'hell yeah, that's right, you are honey fucking deacon, sis!'
which brings me to my point of this whole story...
there are certain points in our lives that maybe we forget who we are...
that maybe we have talked ourselves into not believing in who we are...
or that we feel in some way that we have no positive impact on others...or that no one see's us...or knows who we are...
or maybe that no one cares, for that matter.
know this, people do see you and they are paying attention.
you must also realize that you are making some difference and having some impact on another person.
how great would it be to be going for the positive impact, rather than the negative?
so, remember, what you say, what you do, how you carry yourself, even your body language, speaks for itself.
the funny thing was that i had no idea that my friend, way back when, even looked at me that way.
i have to say, it really had an impact on me to hear all those things...
because, honestly, for me, its become easier and easier to not succeed or just not try.
having failure after failure pound the nail of disappointment into my head.
i've carried that story around me since then, reminding myself each time i was thinking that i was no one,
that hey, i am honey fucking deacon, don't forget that...
when i'm struggling with something or feeling fearful...there it is to remind me.
so, basically, yeah...maybe you guys can incorporate something of the sort for yourselves...
self motivating kinda thing...because, as you know, sometimes you are the only person around to motivate you.
i leave you with this, one of my most favorite passages in this world...
i found it about 10 years ago, somewhere, i don't really know...
but it travels with me, and is always stuck to my fridge with a magnet, just as a reminder...
it is from marianne williamson's 'return to love'...quoted by nelson mandela...and hey, they even used it in 'coach carter' right at the end...makes me cry every time i watch that part...
here you go...
"our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. it is our light not our darkness that most frightens us. we ask ourselves, 'who am i to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous.' actually, who are you NOT to be. your playing small doesn't serve the world. there is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that others won't feel insecure around you. we are born to manifest the glory that is within us. it is in everyone. and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. as we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
so, i say to you, on this day of days,
who are you not to be powerful beyond measure, my friends?!
it is up to you to make your life happen,
being as that movie 'the holiday' says, the star in your own screenplay...not one of the supporting actors.
so, there you go, that's my story...
i am...
honey fucking deacon
:)
p.s.
please excuse all of the cursing of these previous paragraphs...
but hey, it was only truly to make a point...
hope i made it.
i realized the other day that i hadn't actually explained the story behind my blog name...
although there are a few of you that already know it,
there are probably a lot more that don't.
and most likely, you were just thinkin that was part of my name, basically...
and weren't thinkin of it at all. haha!
but there is a story behind the name, so, am thinking that it's pretty worth sharing now.
now that i've posted 30 spots...i'm feelin as if we know each other well enough to let you in on this secret...
so, mom, close your ears, because, yes, she's been asking me to change it...
but, to me, it's kind of important and i'm compelled to keep it the way it is.
so, here goes...
i should preface this by saying that i grew up in hilliard, a very very small town, (at the time i was there...we only had one red light)
just down the road from here...from the time i was in 3rd grade til the time i graduated...
then we moved here...to this luscious lil island.
anyways, back to the story...
last year, as some of you know, i lived in portland, oregon, for an 8 month stint.
i came home for christmas though, and i was in contact with one of my friends that i grew up with,
and we had decided that we were going to meet up for a beer or two or three :)
we decided that, for kicks, we'd meet up at the local bar in hilliard called 'the tree house lounge'.
so, on the given night, i borrowed my mom's car and drove over there...a 35 minute drive through the woods, basically,
and there we met...i have to admit, i was a little bit nervous, being i'd only been in this bar one other time,
after all of my friends and i had graduated from college...we thought it would be fun to hit this little local honky tonk.
so, i waited for my buddy to get there and we walked in together...
his family has owned the bar since i can remember, so, everyone knew him, and i actually got in for free...he, being like royalty there.
immediately, i felt a bit out of place...wearing my 'peace, love, harvard' tshirt with a long sleeve shirt under it,
and my poofy patagonia vest with a beanie cap on as well.
but hey, i grew up here, so i was talking myself into the fact that i belonged there too.
anyways, we sat down and ordered, and as the night progressed, more and more people walked in...
the music system was blaring the latest country tunes, and we were catching up on life.
next thing you know...person after person came up to say hello, and all saying, 'hey, aren't you honey deacon, i'm blankity blank, don't you remember me?'...sometimes i did remember, sometimes not...being it had been almost 25 years since i had seen some of them...and people do change...not me, just other people. haha!
anyways, one guy said to me, 'hey, have you seen so and so, i'm pretty sure she bats for your team'...
i couldn't quite remember who he was talking about, but then after some time of back and forth,
he decides to get her and bring her over.
turns out, as soon as i saw her face, i remembered who she was.
we laughed loud and hard when we saw each other...and then we embraced and began to catch up on what we had been up to the last few years...it was really great!
as we were chatting, she asked me if i was single, and i said yes, for about 5 years now...
then she proceeded to tell me, 'well, no worries there, you're a catch, somebody will sweep you up soon enough, after all, you're honey fucking deacon'...
at that comment, i laughed and said, 'what?'...not being sure i heard her right...
she explained to me...'you were my idol when we were growing up...you were the best singer, you were an awesome athlete, you were so cool...different from anyone else'...
she said some other things, and we continued our conversation, and had a blast catching up on life...
as i drove home that night...i couldn't stop giggling to myself about that conversation...honey fucking deacon. haha!
the next morning i got up and relayed the stories of the night to my parents and my little bro, and we laughed some more...and at a certain point, my bro was like, 'hell yeah, that's right, you are honey fucking deacon, sis!'
which brings me to my point of this whole story...
there are certain points in our lives that maybe we forget who we are...
that maybe we have talked ourselves into not believing in who we are...
or that we feel in some way that we have no positive impact on others...or that no one see's us...or knows who we are...
or maybe that no one cares, for that matter.
know this, people do see you and they are paying attention.
you must also realize that you are making some difference and having some impact on another person.
how great would it be to be going for the positive impact, rather than the negative?
so, remember, what you say, what you do, how you carry yourself, even your body language, speaks for itself.
the funny thing was that i had no idea that my friend, way back when, even looked at me that way.
i have to say, it really had an impact on me to hear all those things...
because, honestly, for me, its become easier and easier to not succeed or just not try.
having failure after failure pound the nail of disappointment into my head.
i've carried that story around me since then, reminding myself each time i was thinking that i was no one,
that hey, i am honey fucking deacon, don't forget that...
when i'm struggling with something or feeling fearful...there it is to remind me.
so, basically, yeah...maybe you guys can incorporate something of the sort for yourselves...
self motivating kinda thing...because, as you know, sometimes you are the only person around to motivate you.
i leave you with this, one of my most favorite passages in this world...
i found it about 10 years ago, somewhere, i don't really know...
but it travels with me, and is always stuck to my fridge with a magnet, just as a reminder...
it is from marianne williamson's 'return to love'...quoted by nelson mandela...and hey, they even used it in 'coach carter' right at the end...makes me cry every time i watch that part...
here you go...
"our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. it is our light not our darkness that most frightens us. we ask ourselves, 'who am i to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous.' actually, who are you NOT to be. your playing small doesn't serve the world. there is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that others won't feel insecure around you. we are born to manifest the glory that is within us. it is in everyone. and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. as we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
so, i say to you, on this day of days,
who are you not to be powerful beyond measure, my friends?!
it is up to you to make your life happen,
being as that movie 'the holiday' says, the star in your own screenplay...not one of the supporting actors.
so, there you go, that's my story...
i am...
honey fucking deacon
:)
p.s.
please excuse all of the cursing of these previous paragraphs...
but hey, it was only truly to make a point...
hope i made it.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
'peanuts' style...
once again, here i am,
the sun is shining brightly today,
and the wind, breezin it up, fo sho.
loveliness in the true sense of the word, i have to say!
somehow, as of late,
we lucky one's that live here, on this lil island,
have gotten to experience a bit of spring,
right here, right now, in the middle of february...
all i have to say to that is...freakin fantabulous! wow!
but, onto the matter at hand...
that's not to say this great weather isn't one of the reasons i'm writing this happiness blog today...
it's definitely part of the reason i'm reminded of happiness...the sun, the sun, the sun! yes!
it's funny to see the change in everyone's face, when it begins to happen, the change in season,
or more like, the little taste of what's to come...people look happier, in general...
they feel better, they are nicer, they smile more...it's like we've been hibernating from happiness when it's cold or rainy...
(and the funniest part of that is that we're in florida, so most people would just laugh at our winter!)
to that, i say, it's all relative, my friends :)
crazy what a little sun can do for the soul, i've gotta tell ya!
i learned that very well this passed year...but that's not even the reason i'm writing today...
no, today is about happiness...
yes, yes, yes...what's new, right?
right....
but...
let me explain...and then if you think i'm just blowing smoke up your @#$%$#, then you're welcome to tell me...
how bout that?
anyways, this is my thought....
last year i read this book called, 'the happiness project'...
for months, i would walk by it in the book store, and pick it up,
and think of buying it...
but would put it back down, and walk away...
then, for some reason...i think i may have just made the decision to move back here from oregon,
i picked it up, walked to the register, and bought it...'no day like today' as they say...
anyways, i couldn't put it down...turns out i was waiting and waiting to buy it...and it was awesome!
long story short...the book is written by a woman that decided that even though her life was good and she was happy,
she felt as if there was something missing, that she most likely could be even happier if she changed some things in her life,
and, basically, and truthfully worked out a happiness project according to her life.
she studied and read everything she could get her hands on about happiness...from scientific, philosophical, and classic authors...then she sat down and mapped out the things she wanted to work on...setting a few goals a month for an entire year.
one of the goals she set is what i'm thinkin of today...
basically, about being more child like, laughing more with her kids, and not being afraid to be goofy.
as we get into adulthood it seems to be one of the things we let go of pretty quickly...
what takes the place of that? rent, college loans, car payments, careers...
geesh! it's overwhelming at times, isn't it?!
what i've been trying to do is do stuff that i really love to do...stuff that's fun...
stuff that makes me laugh, and puts a smile on my face...
then i feel as if i can face those other things that come up in life, just a little better.
i was recently at the library with a 9 year old, finding some books for him...
and as we were looking, i came across these large volumes of 'peanuts'...my all time favorite cartoon...
so, at that moment, i decided, alright, this is the time to be a child, right here, right now...
we walked up with his comic books, and mine too...
so, every morning, after i read my meditation book, i read a few pages of good ole snoopy and the gang...
it makes me smile and laugh every time, i can't lie.
ahhhhhhh, the pleasure of a good comic strip :)
i have to say, it truly reminds me of the goodness and simplicity of being a child.
and even a few days ago, had the chance to hang out with one of my best friends and her husband,
a couple days in a row, and we spent our time together...just playing...
we threw the football, batted the baseball, hit golf balls, went to the beach and ran around taking extremely goofy pics...
and the whole while...
we laughed like we used to! like one of those, hard to catch your breath kinda laughs!
excellent!
we giggled the next day, because we were sore from doing things we hadn't done in so long...
then, of course, it makes you think...
we should do that more often...
why not, right?!
and yes, we're always taking the time to get the important things done...
but then again...i'm thinkin we should be takin some time to do the other things...
the things that make you laugh with abandon...not caring what you look like, or how loud you are!
as these goofy adults that we supposedly are...we must not...can not...should not...
forget to have fun...to laugh at ourselves...to sing as loud as we want...to dance even if we don't think we can (i can, don't get me wrong...i'm just sayin...)...to tell jokes...and hey, sometimes even jump in the air and shout...i kinda like that one! haha!
think about this the next time you feel like you're gonna lose it...
i challenge you...
to be a kid, for at least 5 minutes of your day...
i'm not gonna lie to you though...i do it for way more than 5 minutes a day (and if you know me, you know this. haha!)...
but hey, you gotta start somewhere...
'rome wasn't built in a day'
as for me...
i'm gonna rock it out with 'peanuts' and dance the wild, happy dance of snoopy...
ears in the air...crazy feet with the squigglies depicting the quickness of the dances moves...
and the freakin huge smile on his upturned face...
good grief :)
the sun is shining brightly today,
and the wind, breezin it up, fo sho.
loveliness in the true sense of the word, i have to say!
somehow, as of late,
we lucky one's that live here, on this lil island,
have gotten to experience a bit of spring,
right here, right now, in the middle of february...
all i have to say to that is...freakin fantabulous! wow!
but, onto the matter at hand...
that's not to say this great weather isn't one of the reasons i'm writing this happiness blog today...
it's definitely part of the reason i'm reminded of happiness...the sun, the sun, the sun! yes!
it's funny to see the change in everyone's face, when it begins to happen, the change in season,
or more like, the little taste of what's to come...people look happier, in general...
they feel better, they are nicer, they smile more...it's like we've been hibernating from happiness when it's cold or rainy...
(and the funniest part of that is that we're in florida, so most people would just laugh at our winter!)
to that, i say, it's all relative, my friends :)
crazy what a little sun can do for the soul, i've gotta tell ya!
i learned that very well this passed year...but that's not even the reason i'm writing today...
no, today is about happiness...
yes, yes, yes...what's new, right?
right....
but...
let me explain...and then if you think i'm just blowing smoke up your @#$%$#, then you're welcome to tell me...
how bout that?
anyways, this is my thought....
last year i read this book called, 'the happiness project'...
for months, i would walk by it in the book store, and pick it up,
and think of buying it...
but would put it back down, and walk away...
then, for some reason...i think i may have just made the decision to move back here from oregon,
i picked it up, walked to the register, and bought it...'no day like today' as they say...
anyways, i couldn't put it down...turns out i was waiting and waiting to buy it...and it was awesome!
long story short...the book is written by a woman that decided that even though her life was good and she was happy,
she felt as if there was something missing, that she most likely could be even happier if she changed some things in her life,
and, basically, and truthfully worked out a happiness project according to her life.
she studied and read everything she could get her hands on about happiness...from scientific, philosophical, and classic authors...then she sat down and mapped out the things she wanted to work on...setting a few goals a month for an entire year.
one of the goals she set is what i'm thinkin of today...
basically, about being more child like, laughing more with her kids, and not being afraid to be goofy.
as we get into adulthood it seems to be one of the things we let go of pretty quickly...
what takes the place of that? rent, college loans, car payments, careers...
geesh! it's overwhelming at times, isn't it?!
what i've been trying to do is do stuff that i really love to do...stuff that's fun...
stuff that makes me laugh, and puts a smile on my face...
then i feel as if i can face those other things that come up in life, just a little better.
i was recently at the library with a 9 year old, finding some books for him...
and as we were looking, i came across these large volumes of 'peanuts'...my all time favorite cartoon...
so, at that moment, i decided, alright, this is the time to be a child, right here, right now...
we walked up with his comic books, and mine too...
so, every morning, after i read my meditation book, i read a few pages of good ole snoopy and the gang...
it makes me smile and laugh every time, i can't lie.
ahhhhhhh, the pleasure of a good comic strip :)
i have to say, it truly reminds me of the goodness and simplicity of being a child.
and even a few days ago, had the chance to hang out with one of my best friends and her husband,
a couple days in a row, and we spent our time together...just playing...
we threw the football, batted the baseball, hit golf balls, went to the beach and ran around taking extremely goofy pics...
and the whole while...
we laughed like we used to! like one of those, hard to catch your breath kinda laughs!
excellent!
we giggled the next day, because we were sore from doing things we hadn't done in so long...
then, of course, it makes you think...
we should do that more often...
why not, right?!
and yes, we're always taking the time to get the important things done...
but then again...i'm thinkin we should be takin some time to do the other things...
the things that make you laugh with abandon...not caring what you look like, or how loud you are!
as these goofy adults that we supposedly are...we must not...can not...should not...
forget to have fun...to laugh at ourselves...to sing as loud as we want...to dance even if we don't think we can (i can, don't get me wrong...i'm just sayin...)...to tell jokes...and hey, sometimes even jump in the air and shout...i kinda like that one! haha!
think about this the next time you feel like you're gonna lose it...
i challenge you...
to be a kid, for at least 5 minutes of your day...
i'm not gonna lie to you though...i do it for way more than 5 minutes a day (and if you know me, you know this. haha!)...
but hey, you gotta start somewhere...
'rome wasn't built in a day'
as for me...
i'm gonna rock it out with 'peanuts' and dance the wild, happy dance of snoopy...
ears in the air...crazy feet with the squigglies depicting the quickness of the dances moves...
and the freakin huge smile on his upturned face...
good grief :)
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
order dessert...
once again, here i sit...
in the buck...
sippin on a black tea latte'...couple squirts of vanilla...just to make it that much more fun.
have had a stint of being sick the last few days...since valentine's day...
right...perfect, eh? haha!
during this night of hanging out, on the floor of my bathroom...in child's pose...
i realized, pretty quickly that i needed to clean my floor in a big way...
and how nice it would have been to have another living soul there with me to rub my back and tell me that it was gonna be okay...but hey, then again, i wouldn't really want anyone to experience that with me...
because, let's be honest...it's definitely not the prettiest moment in the world, that's for certain.
just the same though...
a little company at the end of it all...when i dragged myself back to my bed...hopin that it was all done with...
well, now...
that would have been nice...
the oh so lovely, curving spoon, to make you feel like you're held and safe.
yeah...
perfect, it would have been.
which brings me to my thought today.
i found myself in a conversation the other night with a couple people i ran into at one of the local bars here,
on this little island i live on,
and somehow the conversation turned onto the subject of being alone.
one of the girls mentioned that a person they were trying to set someone up with might be happy being alone...
now let me just say...
i've been single for 5 or 6 years now...the number is beginning to get foggy,
but my answer to her was that i wasn't sure how happy people are being alone...
i think it's kind of more like, you begin to get used to it...and learn to live that way...
because, honestly, you have to really.
in the beginning of my single-hood, i chose to be single...not being ready for anything,
and still trying to figure out what in the heck i was doing, what i wanted, and what i needed to work on to be a better partner the next go around.
people are pretty quick to spat out the usual sayings of...'there are other fish in the sea'...'you'll find someone way better'...'right when you stop looking, then bam, it'll hit you'.
it's actually quite entertaining...and i should have been writing all these things down.
everyone has got some sage advice to roll onto you about being alone...
which, yes, it's nice to know people are thinking of you...
but i'm just gonna lay this out, without mincing words...
and i have no idea of another way to say it, but mostly, none of them have ever been alone...
maybe for a few months, here and there...between boyfriends and girlfriends.
so, yes, maybe this is a vent...
but this is just to say, being alone, is something you have to learn to do...it's definitely not for sissies.
and in time, it becomes easier...
and after some more time...you begin to look forward to your night alone, or your day spent in the silence of your own thoughts...
you train yourself to eat out by yourself, always having a book on hand, in your car or your purse,
go to the movies alone, (because, seriously, i don't want to talk during a movie)
walk into a bar, being lucky enough to run into some peeps...otherwise, hoping for a t.v. to be set on something interesting enough to watch...
have your cel. phone on hand, and randomly text people to have some kind of conversation going.
oh, the funny things we do to get through it.
but now that i've gotten through the worst part of it all...i'm a practiced loner, that is.
and i'm contently alone...
i still haven't given up on the fact that maybe one day there'll be that curvy spoon at the end of my day.
i hope for it.
i dream about it.
of being 'the master of my own fate, the captain of my soul'...
but the reality of life and love is...
it's all kind of up in the air, isn't it?
one thing i have learned is how important it is to just enjoy what is going on right now.
and right now...
i'm alone.
and it's okay.
there are always days, here and there, that it's sucks...and you've realized...'wow, i haven't talked to one person today'...
those are the days that i walk out my door and suck in the beach air,
and take it all in...
or maybe i jump in my car, and surprise my parents with a night of 'wheel of fortune' and 'jeopardy'.
something as simple as that makes them smile,
and gives me the company of the two people that love me the most in this entire world,
of which, i don't know if i've told you, surprises me and astounds me, all the time!
and hey, if you're lucky enough to have friends and family that are amazing,
then you're that much closer to knowing the secret of it all, eh?!
being surrounded by good people is the spice of life.
don't get me wrong though...knowing how to live alone, being yourself, and being good with that...
it's a test everyday.
it does force you to learn a lot about yourself,
which, in and of itself, is a pretty wondrous thing to do in life...
'know thyself', right? haha!
i sing as loud as i want, early in the morning...
i dance around, as if i were part of some hip hop dance troupe...
i talk to myself, and laugh quite often...
i cook nice meals...and set my little table, just for me...
i drink coffee in bed on my mornings off, and read and watch the sun peak out of the ocean,
watching the colors spread softly across my walls...this makes me sigh and smile...
and yes, these are small, simple pleasures...
what else does one need, really?
i was watching one of my old standby movies the other night...'hope floats'...
yes, yes, totally corny, hopelessly romantic flick,
but that's the kind girl i am...
anyways,
there's a part in it, that sandra bullock is out, eating in a diner alone, feeling self conscious,
and harry connick jr. is sitting at another table...
he mentions to her that the trick to eating alone is to look mysterious...
but as he walks by her, he leans in and says, 'remember, mysterious, and order dessert, just to spite'.
i love that.
just to spite. haha!
that whole alone thing...it can change a person...it can make you stronger...
more willing to break away, and do your own thing.
but it can also make you dwell in your alone-ness...
the key to that is to stand up, pay attention, breathe in, and breathe out...
and recognize that everything is temporary.
and by all means,
order dessert...
just to spite.
in the buck...
sippin on a black tea latte'...couple squirts of vanilla...just to make it that much more fun.
have had a stint of being sick the last few days...since valentine's day...
right...perfect, eh? haha!
during this night of hanging out, on the floor of my bathroom...in child's pose...
i realized, pretty quickly that i needed to clean my floor in a big way...
and how nice it would have been to have another living soul there with me to rub my back and tell me that it was gonna be okay...but hey, then again, i wouldn't really want anyone to experience that with me...
because, let's be honest...it's definitely not the prettiest moment in the world, that's for certain.
just the same though...
a little company at the end of it all...when i dragged myself back to my bed...hopin that it was all done with...
well, now...
that would have been nice...
the oh so lovely, curving spoon, to make you feel like you're held and safe.
yeah...
perfect, it would have been.
which brings me to my thought today.
i found myself in a conversation the other night with a couple people i ran into at one of the local bars here,
on this little island i live on,
and somehow the conversation turned onto the subject of being alone.
one of the girls mentioned that a person they were trying to set someone up with might be happy being alone...
now let me just say...
i've been single for 5 or 6 years now...the number is beginning to get foggy,
but my answer to her was that i wasn't sure how happy people are being alone...
i think it's kind of more like, you begin to get used to it...and learn to live that way...
because, honestly, you have to really.
in the beginning of my single-hood, i chose to be single...not being ready for anything,
and still trying to figure out what in the heck i was doing, what i wanted, and what i needed to work on to be a better partner the next go around.
people are pretty quick to spat out the usual sayings of...'there are other fish in the sea'...'you'll find someone way better'...'right when you stop looking, then bam, it'll hit you'.
it's actually quite entertaining...and i should have been writing all these things down.
everyone has got some sage advice to roll onto you about being alone...
which, yes, it's nice to know people are thinking of you...
but i'm just gonna lay this out, without mincing words...
and i have no idea of another way to say it, but mostly, none of them have ever been alone...
maybe for a few months, here and there...between boyfriends and girlfriends.
so, yes, maybe this is a vent...
but this is just to say, being alone, is something you have to learn to do...it's definitely not for sissies.
and in time, it becomes easier...
and after some more time...you begin to look forward to your night alone, or your day spent in the silence of your own thoughts...
you train yourself to eat out by yourself, always having a book on hand, in your car or your purse,
go to the movies alone, (because, seriously, i don't want to talk during a movie)
walk into a bar, being lucky enough to run into some peeps...otherwise, hoping for a t.v. to be set on something interesting enough to watch...
have your cel. phone on hand, and randomly text people to have some kind of conversation going.
oh, the funny things we do to get through it.
but now that i've gotten through the worst part of it all...i'm a practiced loner, that is.
and i'm contently alone...
i still haven't given up on the fact that maybe one day there'll be that curvy spoon at the end of my day.
i hope for it.
i dream about it.
of being 'the master of my own fate, the captain of my soul'...
but the reality of life and love is...
it's all kind of up in the air, isn't it?
one thing i have learned is how important it is to just enjoy what is going on right now.
and right now...
i'm alone.
and it's okay.
there are always days, here and there, that it's sucks...and you've realized...'wow, i haven't talked to one person today'...
those are the days that i walk out my door and suck in the beach air,
and take it all in...
or maybe i jump in my car, and surprise my parents with a night of 'wheel of fortune' and 'jeopardy'.
something as simple as that makes them smile,
and gives me the company of the two people that love me the most in this entire world,
of which, i don't know if i've told you, surprises me and astounds me, all the time!
and hey, if you're lucky enough to have friends and family that are amazing,
then you're that much closer to knowing the secret of it all, eh?!
being surrounded by good people is the spice of life.
don't get me wrong though...knowing how to live alone, being yourself, and being good with that...
it's a test everyday.
it does force you to learn a lot about yourself,
which, in and of itself, is a pretty wondrous thing to do in life...
'know thyself', right? haha!
i sing as loud as i want, early in the morning...
i dance around, as if i were part of some hip hop dance troupe...
i talk to myself, and laugh quite often...
i cook nice meals...and set my little table, just for me...
i drink coffee in bed on my mornings off, and read and watch the sun peak out of the ocean,
watching the colors spread softly across my walls...this makes me sigh and smile...
and yes, these are small, simple pleasures...
what else does one need, really?
i was watching one of my old standby movies the other night...'hope floats'...
yes, yes, totally corny, hopelessly romantic flick,
but that's the kind girl i am...
anyways,
there's a part in it, that sandra bullock is out, eating in a diner alone, feeling self conscious,
and harry connick jr. is sitting at another table...
he mentions to her that the trick to eating alone is to look mysterious...
but as he walks by her, he leans in and says, 'remember, mysterious, and order dessert, just to spite'.
i love that.
just to spite. haha!
that whole alone thing...it can change a person...it can make you stronger...
more willing to break away, and do your own thing.
but it can also make you dwell in your alone-ness...
the key to that is to stand up, pay attention, breathe in, and breathe out...
and recognize that everything is temporary.
and by all means,
order dessert...
just to spite.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
dance with the one who brought you
so, am thinking that a little look back might be nice...
although, in the krishnamurti sense of things...
we shouldn't look back, and living and reacting because of the past experiences,
may very well be a bad idea...since supposedly that would be not living, but digging up the stuff that is dead and gone,
instead of living in the here and now...what's happening this very moment, that is...not jaded by the past.
old reactions and old feelings.
but
all that aside,
because, yes,
that would be a really courageous way to live...
sometimes,
seems completely impossible, you know?
i mean...
we are who we are, because of the things that we've done, the things that have happened to us, the people we've met, the people we've fallen in love with, our parents, our childhoods...etc, etc...
the list could, seriously, just go on and on and on!
and there is that saying, 'live and learn', right?
so, i guess the thing is that we have to pick and choose what is most important for us...
what fits us...who we are...what we can be most comfortable with...and maybe, just a little uncomfortable,
because, after all...we still should always leave room to grow, shouldn't we?
sort of like when we buy a shirt or a pair of pants...
i don't know about you, but i'm always thinkin, 'what happens after i wash this?' or 'hmmmmm...what if i gain 5 lbs?'
room to grow :) haha! but seriously, folks...
so, what i was thinking about looking back on...now that i've explained and given justification about looking back...
i was giving thought to the moments in life that things become clear...like an answer comes to you out of nowhere...
that moment that you know everything will be okay, because you just feel it, deep down inside, for no reason.
that kind of moment.
so, take a deep breath, and think about it...
and let me be the first to say, that, for me, these things happen usually after quite a bit of waiting and overthinking and worrying...and yes, honestly, i know this isn't the way to go, believe me...but i know myself well enough to know, that it is who i am...an over-analizer...i think what everything means...gestures...occurrences...tones...yes, that's me.
but i will also admit...right about the time i relax and let go and concentrate on other things...and quit worrying about the outcome...
well...that's right about the time that truth shows itself.
'patience, grasshopper', comes to mind. haha!
it's the other things that comes without thought, that are the most surprising...those simple moments.
like looking across the living room at your best friend, and realizing you're in love with them...and they remember that same moment! crazy!
like walking off the 18th green, towards the clubhouse, and having the girl of your dreams, waiting for you (red t-shirt with a russian saying on it, faded jeans)
like listening to the rambling-est voice message in the world, understanding right then, that the leaver of that message, loves you.
like getting an email from an ex, out of nowhere...when she's the one you've been waiting for the whole time.
yes, i must say...although i haven't been lucky in having those people stay in my life...
those moments...well...wow...i'll never forget them...
that feeling of elation and surprise and ultimate happiness.
it certainly is the most simple and fantastically insane thing that can happen to a person!
most certainly!
and as luck would have it...i've been there!
yes, i know what you're thinking...
geesh...always talking about love! haha!
i know, right?!
i just can't help it, really i can't!
i was thinking about it the other day...about how all of a sudden, out of nowhere...how i came to the conclusion that i was finally passed the point of holding onto something that had been crippling me...
i thought of how calm and self assured i felt...
for no other reason than that knowing feeling...
that feeling of release of what shit i was holding onto!
god! how complicated we make our life, when it's just so damn simple!
why do we, as humans, feel that great need to hold on?!
fear, my friends, fear.
of losing,
of loving,
of not being loved,
of feeling and looking stupid,
and yes, this list could go on and on as well.
the thing is and the reason why i felt the urge to look back,
was that i was thinking that sometimes it's a good idea to remind ourselves of those moments in our lives,
that these things happened without us even trying...whilst we were looking the other way,
happiness, knowledge, enlightenment, answers, and yes, even love...you know i wasn't gonna leave that one out.
when you're having a day that doesn't seem so successful or close to failure...
remember that these wild crazy things do happen and will happen...ranging from small to grandiose.
they happen!
and nope...we can't live in the past...for sure, we cannot and should not do that...
but...
and this is a big big but...
i think we must remember and be aware of what brought us here,
to this place...to this second...to this minute...to this breath.
and if for but a moment, it can bring a smile to your face,
when it's been a long time since you've had one...
then, by all means...
remember these things, and be thankfully glad to have been blessed by their arrival.
carry these feelings around like a sort of badge of courage...
because, let's not lie to ourselves...some days it seems that we do need a shield to protect us from all the crap, flying our way, but the good news is...surprises happen all the time...the impossible becomes possible...
and most assuredly so, we are much stronger than we imagine ourselves to be.
willie nelson is coming to me in the form of ... 'to all the girls i've loved before...' hahahhahaha!
and no, not the one with julio iglesias :)
chin up, my friends...
and by all means, remember who you are and where you came from.
although, in the krishnamurti sense of things...
we shouldn't look back, and living and reacting because of the past experiences,
may very well be a bad idea...since supposedly that would be not living, but digging up the stuff that is dead and gone,
instead of living in the here and now...what's happening this very moment, that is...not jaded by the past.
old reactions and old feelings.
but
all that aside,
because, yes,
that would be a really courageous way to live...
sometimes,
seems completely impossible, you know?
i mean...
we are who we are, because of the things that we've done, the things that have happened to us, the people we've met, the people we've fallen in love with, our parents, our childhoods...etc, etc...
the list could, seriously, just go on and on and on!
and there is that saying, 'live and learn', right?
so, i guess the thing is that we have to pick and choose what is most important for us...
what fits us...who we are...what we can be most comfortable with...and maybe, just a little uncomfortable,
because, after all...we still should always leave room to grow, shouldn't we?
sort of like when we buy a shirt or a pair of pants...
i don't know about you, but i'm always thinkin, 'what happens after i wash this?' or 'hmmmmm...what if i gain 5 lbs?'
room to grow :) haha! but seriously, folks...
so, what i was thinking about looking back on...now that i've explained and given justification about looking back...
i was giving thought to the moments in life that things become clear...like an answer comes to you out of nowhere...
that moment that you know everything will be okay, because you just feel it, deep down inside, for no reason.
that kind of moment.
so, take a deep breath, and think about it...
and let me be the first to say, that, for me, these things happen usually after quite a bit of waiting and overthinking and worrying...and yes, honestly, i know this isn't the way to go, believe me...but i know myself well enough to know, that it is who i am...an over-analizer...i think what everything means...gestures...occurrences...tones...yes, that's me.
but i will also admit...right about the time i relax and let go and concentrate on other things...and quit worrying about the outcome...
well...that's right about the time that truth shows itself.
'patience, grasshopper', comes to mind. haha!
it's the other things that comes without thought, that are the most surprising...those simple moments.
like looking across the living room at your best friend, and realizing you're in love with them...and they remember that same moment! crazy!
like walking off the 18th green, towards the clubhouse, and having the girl of your dreams, waiting for you (red t-shirt with a russian saying on it, faded jeans)
like listening to the rambling-est voice message in the world, understanding right then, that the leaver of that message, loves you.
like getting an email from an ex, out of nowhere...when she's the one you've been waiting for the whole time.
yes, i must say...although i haven't been lucky in having those people stay in my life...
those moments...well...wow...i'll never forget them...
that feeling of elation and surprise and ultimate happiness.
it certainly is the most simple and fantastically insane thing that can happen to a person!
most certainly!
and as luck would have it...i've been there!
yes, i know what you're thinking...
geesh...always talking about love! haha!
i know, right?!
i just can't help it, really i can't!
i was thinking about it the other day...about how all of a sudden, out of nowhere...how i came to the conclusion that i was finally passed the point of holding onto something that had been crippling me...
i thought of how calm and self assured i felt...
for no other reason than that knowing feeling...
that feeling of release of what shit i was holding onto!
god! how complicated we make our life, when it's just so damn simple!
why do we, as humans, feel that great need to hold on?!
fear, my friends, fear.
of losing,
of loving,
of not being loved,
of feeling and looking stupid,
and yes, this list could go on and on as well.
the thing is and the reason why i felt the urge to look back,
was that i was thinking that sometimes it's a good idea to remind ourselves of those moments in our lives,
that these things happened without us even trying...whilst we were looking the other way,
happiness, knowledge, enlightenment, answers, and yes, even love...you know i wasn't gonna leave that one out.
when you're having a day that doesn't seem so successful or close to failure...
remember that these wild crazy things do happen and will happen...ranging from small to grandiose.
they happen!
and nope...we can't live in the past...for sure, we cannot and should not do that...
but...
and this is a big big but...
i think we must remember and be aware of what brought us here,
to this place...to this second...to this minute...to this breath.
and if for but a moment, it can bring a smile to your face,
when it's been a long time since you've had one...
then, by all means...
remember these things, and be thankfully glad to have been blessed by their arrival.
carry these feelings around like a sort of badge of courage...
because, let's not lie to ourselves...some days it seems that we do need a shield to protect us from all the crap, flying our way, but the good news is...surprises happen all the time...the impossible becomes possible...
and most assuredly so, we are much stronger than we imagine ourselves to be.
willie nelson is coming to me in the form of ... 'to all the girls i've loved before...' hahahhahaha!
and no, not the one with julio iglesias :)
chin up, my friends...
and by all means, remember who you are and where you came from.
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