i need possible...

samuel beckett once wrote...'ever tried. ever failed. no matter. try again. fail again. fail better.'
that quote has been ringin in my head since i wrote it down in my little notebook.
thing is, my friends...
i like to write these things down,
but the truth of the matter is, i haven't lived those words like i probably should.
so, me writing them, and quoting them to you,
may just be quite hypocritical,
but they still ring true to me.
don't get me wrong though...
yes, i've tried things...
and yes, i've failed frequently and miserabley.
but...
maybe not as often as i should.
they say if you're not failing...you're not trying.
hmmmmmmmmm...
and maybe more closer to the truth is that we should be constantly trying.
not worrying about falling on our faces.
as adults though, it becomes harder and harder to get back up,
and keep moving.
kinda like falling down...in the beginning of our lives...we fall a lot.
we get up a lot, and keep falling...but laugh it off...maybe with some scuffs and scratches, but we just keep going.
somewhere along the way though, when we hit a certain age...
the falls begin to hurt a bit more.
the scars become deeper.
we have a greater memory for them...and then...
we become afraid of the fall...
then comes the worst part...we stop trying.
yes, we remain scuff and scratch free...
but...
where are we then?
i can tell you where...
43 and safe.
not a bandaid on the shelf.
i was just thinking about that as i sat on my beach access steps,
looking out at the ocean.
i question the fact that i write constantly about life, love, and being happy...
but in the same instance...i've not had to go through the things that others have.
my life has been quite amazingly charmed.
my parents are still alive and well.
my brothers are safe and sound.
i'm healthy and live on a beautiful island.
of course i'm happy right?
i've wondered for years what this life is about...why i'm here...what am i here to do...what am i doing?
there have been several things in life that i've wanted to do, and i've done...
but there are also things that i've not tried out of fear.
fear of not being enough.
and then i think...here i am writing about all these things...
what have i got to say?
how can i inspire?
who am i to say anything out loud?
my explanation to that is that i've learned about how important it is to have a voice, and to let people hear it, and decide for themselves.
i've not struggled with much...
yes, your usual struggles that all people go through...
but nothing i couldn't handle.
living life wondering when the other shoe will fall,
and my luck runs out...well, that's no way to live...most definitely not.
i have to believe too, that we all have a reason to be here...
that each and everyone of us can inspire and be inspired.
i have to believe that the words i write can do something.
something good.
in one person's life, if nothing else.
i was explaining the other day to a friend about how nice it is to have community.
to feel like i'm not the only one.
that at the end of the day, we all want the same thing.
gay, straight, bisexual, transgender...whatever we are...
whoever we are...
it's to love and be loved...to have some understanding for each other...
compassion...passion...a sense of worth...a reason...
and the strength and courage to be exactly who you are...and to not be afraid to try and try again, no matter how many times we fail.
everything is relative, and everything is temporary.
there are peaks and valleys always in life.
some seem to last forever...but rest assured, change happens.
thank god.
i keep promising myself each day to try something new.
to not always be comfortable...to say what i have to say.
for such a long period of my life...i had no voice...
i was afraid to speak my mind...to go against the grain.
so easy to just float along the current of life and not swim to an interesting shore thats in the opposite direction.
so easy.
and maybe that's part of my life right now...
learning to just put it out there...
put my words down, hit publish, and not look back.
no regrets, no fear.
each day we must remind ourselves to keep trying...it's got to be a daily event!
sweat a little, be nervous, be scared, fall down, look amazingly stupid...
but do it...and do it well.
fail greatly!
a few hours ago, i went to see the movie, 'soul surfer'...
in it,the main character said to her dad, 'i don't need easy, i need possible'.
possible.
think about it.
possible.
if everything is relative...
then...
what is your possible?
i say to you, in the famous words of shakespeare,
'we know who we are, but know not what we might become.'
dream big, my friends, dream big,
and fail each day.
you never know what will happen when you fall down...
because sometimes when you're getting up,
you have a different view of everything.
what a view it could be!

happiness and what it looks like...

once again, deciding to write to music...
roll with me, guys...
i'm thinkin sometimes we need to add a lil music to our daily lives,
just to make it better.
this mornin, as i was getting ready for work, quite early,
i decided to turn on my pandora station...
which, to be honest, i have several stations...
one that has a huge range of music,
one that is totally techno (that's for you, cass),
another that is a ray lamontagne station (one of my friends, threw it on there),
of course, that one has total slow, love song type music...my favorite, as you should probably know, by reading me at all :)
anyways, i turned to my station this mornin,
and was making my coffee, and doing my usual routine,
but to music...nice.
i found myself in a great mood...enough to be dancing around my kitchen,
smiling, and singing.
perfect way to start the day!
so, here's a thought...
i've been thinking non-stop lately about breathing...
about taking time to notice things...
about paying attention to the small as well as the big.
funny thing is...the simpler it is, the more beautiful it seems to be...
ever notice that?
like basically, the other day, i had the day off, and my usual routine on that kind of day is waking up early, makin a cup of coffee with my lil bialetti, old school stove top espresso maker, warming the milk in this sweet ass bright yellow pot my mom gave me, and while it's brewing, i read a passage from my 'meditation from the mat' book that a good friend let me borrow...
well, on that day, i looked outside, and the sky was so pretty, i decided i'd drink my cup on the beach...
like a little stolen moment of goodness.
only thing is, i ended up not getting to eat something before spin and yoga...
afterwards, i was pretty dead and starved...a couple of my friends gave me a hard time about it...
yeah, not such a great choice, for sure...
but the sit on my beach access steps...i wouldn't give it back.
i have a few rules that i try to go by on my days off, especially.
one of them, is to basically take time for myself, whether it be a few minutes on the beach, a nap, to watch a show, go to the movies, read a book...something.
another is that i usually always prize myself...i find that sometimes, when you do live alone and are single...if i don't do it...no one else will. haha!
so, i take myself to lunch and eat something awesome...maybe with a beer or glass of wine, right by myself, in the middle of the day...that's a prize, for sure! always makes me feel as if i'm on vacation when i have a drink in the middle of the day! haha!
one of the other rules is that there aren't any rules...no time constraints...a schedule on the day off, kinda sucks.
schedule fun!
life is short...
if you don't take the time to do the things you want to do...
nobody else is gonna do it for you.
the happier you are, the happier the people around you are gonna be!
it's sooooooooooo simple!
we have a tendency in life, to complicate everything...even the most simple things.
why?!
insane right?!
and yes, we all have jobs, families, things to do...i get that.
some of us, more than others, definitely.
one of my friends and i have a joke between us, saying our life is a vacation of sorts...really! it is! haha! i'm so lucky, i am, to be living the life that i do!
but hey...think about it...
when was the last time you did something just because you wanted to?
and made no excuse for it to anyone...just did it.
one of the hardest things in life to learn, it seems, is to just be...
to enjoy without reguard, without guilt of what you should be doing, or what others will think because you're just having some fun for yourself.
it's not a sin, i promise :)
and sometimes it's just nice to let go and be whatever you want to be.
at the end of the day...
if you're unhappy...
it's kinda up to you to change that...
we can't wait for some one else to do it for us.
we can share in our happiness with others.
but...it's all on you.
get out there, and enjoy life.
take it for yourself...and breath it in, my friends.
we are surrounded, and i mean completely surrounded by awesomeness!
grab it and run with it!
laugh, sing, dance, spin...whatever it is that you can do to put a smile on your face, and fullfilled feelings in your heart...that's what you should do.
because, hey, let's be honest, you need to be a little selfish with your life.
you have to make your own happiness...
and it's there...
i'm quite sure of it...
you just have to figure out what you want it to look like.
mold it, draw it, weld it, sculpt it...but do it.
when's the perfect time?
hmmmmmmmm...
right now...
just sayin :)

to be proud

originally, when i had thought that i wanted to start a blog,
i thought that i'd like to do one without attaching my name...
so that, basically, i could write anything i wanted to or was feeling,
and not be worried about any waves or ripples that would come afterwards.
just think about it...
to be able to be completely honest,
without really having to own up to it,
or more like...take responsibility for it...
or...
feel guilty about how you truly feel about this or that.
but then when it came to actually putting it together,
i found that it would be really hard to get people to read it,
if they didn't know where it came from.
so, yeah...it was a bit confusing as to what to do,
but then eventually i thought, why not do it, and put my name on it,
and make no excuses for myself.
just put it out there.
you know?
it just seems as if life would be that much easier if we could always just put it out there...right?
hmmmmmmmm...
which brings me to a thought that has bouncing around my noggin the last several days.
it really has to do with pride.
pride of one's self.
pride of family.
pride of friends.
recently i had been without internet for quite awhile...
as you know, i've been blogging from the buck on the island with one of my best friend's computers...oh, the pleasures of free wi-fi :)
anyways, just last week, i have finally lucked into internet once again, at home.
quite nice, but it has also made me fall to the temptations of hulu.
being able to catch up on a lot of the shows i enjoy, has been fantastic,
but also has taken me away from all of the reading i was doing without internet at home. so, a blessing, and a curse, all at the same time. haha!
anyways...although mostly t.v. is just another form of escape (a way to turn your brain off), a few of the shows i watch are dramas, usually full of emotion, love, passion, some laughter (all of my favorite things)...usually good music...for some reason reminded me of family...of love...of proud moments within all of that too.
then i thought about the specific instances that i have been overjoyed and astounded by the people around me.
it made me want to be more specific and say these things out loud.
i grew up in a small town...not a lot going on, most definitely...
but a child hood full of playing, full of fun, full of support, and full of kindness.
this is fully because of my parents, my brothers, my friends, and my friend's parents even.
i don't recall ever having a game that one of my parents wasn't there...cheering me on...from little league right through to playing varsity on whichever sport it was that happened to be going on.
i remember several high school basketball games that ended in victory in the last second, that a crowd of people, coming out of the stands to celebrate...and in that crowd...yep...my parents, rushing the floor.
i could always hear their voices, during the games too.
thinkin back on that makes me smile broadly.
softball games...while at bat...i knew they were there, behind the fence, hoping for a hit...willing our team to win.
in every way and in every step they've been there...
scooting me along.
telling me anything was possible.
telling me how amazing they thought i was or think i am...
even though, in my head, i'm wondering what daughter they must be talking about. never having as much faith in myself that they seem to have.
through college and afterwards, during my different teaching jobs...
always laughing with me at my stories,
and interested in what is going on in my life.
when i came home to tell them i was gay about 12 years ago...
they listened, and they accepted me.
of course, yes, my mom, being the good catholic woman that she is...
felt guilty, as if she made some mistake along the way,
for me to have been gay...
but i sat with her, and explained to her that she did nothing wrong.
that what she did was right with me...it made me finally strong enough,
and trust enough in them, that i could actually be who i was because of who they were to me.
that my life has always been entrusted to them.
it's better because of them.
there were months there, before my past partner and i were having a commitment ceremony, that my mom and i had big discussions about why we felt the need to do it...why was it so important.
we had these conversations, that in my life, i never thought we would be having...so frank, so open, and so honest.
i was so amazed and proud of my mom for coming to understanding and even hoping for love for me.
listening to her on the phone with each of her brothers and sisters,
explaining to them why we were having this big party in the first place.
i could tell she was nervous, but i have never been so proud to watch her grow through it, and understand me more along the way, and how important it is to be who you are...after all, if you can't be who you are with the people you love the most, how will you ever be to everyone else?
yes, it probably is sometimes easier to be who you are to strangers.
i get that.
but to be lucky enough to have a family that knows who you are,
and loves you just the same...
that's pretty freakin amazing, i can't lie!
and no...it's not always tulips and daisies.
we fight too...we disagree...we have a constant conversation about where my life is going and what the hell i'm doing with it, don't get me wrong...
but...
i know too...
that they are there...
and for that, i am soooooooooooooo proud.
so proud to be in this family.
a few years ago...my mom took me on a trip to visit family in d.c.
my second cousin introduced me to some people and we were going out that night...
a night of gay clubs, basically. i was pretty excited :)
they were dropping me off at the house,
and ended up coming in for drinks,
while waiting on the other girls to arrive.
i was a bit nervous,
because there we were, ready for my gay night on the town...
and there was my mom, in the midst of it all...lookin a little uncomfortable.
well, somehow the conversation turned to one of the girls in the room,
that hadn't come out to her family yet...religious and cultural reasons, basically.
from out of nowhere, my mom spoke up, and told her how she thought that she should tell her family...that they really needed to know who she was...how sad she was that i had waited so long to tell her...and not to be afraid.
now that, my friends, that is one unstoppable mother.
right by herself.
nobody asked her to speak up...she just did.
i am her daughter,
and i am so proud of it, i can't even begin to explain to you how great she has made me feel in my life time.
i could go on an on about my family...and friends (maybe it will have to be a two parter)
stories upon stories...of proud moments...
but feel as if maybe my point has been made.
we all have instances that we can look back on and are astounded by in life.
if those people are within shouting distance from you.
you should definitely let them know what they've done for you.
because a lot of times,
they may not even realize how fantastically they've changed your life,
or have made it better.
too little in our lives do we take the time to just give it...give love.
so much easier to complain or bitch or wine.
nah...
get that thought out of your head.
there is a shift that happens in life when you begin to notice all the good thats happening around you...and you begin to appreciate it...and yes, even saying what you need to say...'walkin like a one man army'...john mayer is right.
you have to put it out there.
as my man e.e. cummings would say...
'be of love
a little more careful
than of anything'
if you have love for anyone...
take care of it.
nurture it.
say what you love about them.
make them smile.
do whatever you have to do to show them these things.
don't leave it for another day.
each moment is a chance to do something right.
be proud.
live.
love.
now.

enough said...

so, here we are again,
in our little dance of dances...
reading and writing...learning and conferring information and stories.
it's kinda fun, i have to admit...walkin into the coffee shop, and wondering what is gonna come up in me to peck away at the keys, and hopefully, have some semblance of sense and inspiration.
well, that's the hope, at least.
most days i just walk away, thinkin, 'okay, that turned out alright' or 'hmmmmmm, i have no idea if that all came together, and made any sense'.
it's a fun way to write, really...
and just hope that it somehow just works.
the road to get to this place, where i'm okay with people reading what i think has been a long one.
chock full of a few of my friends, being the true pushers of me getting here.
so, i have to say, i am so glad they did...giving me enough courage, somehow to not be afraid.
don't get me wrong though, yes, i'm still a little bit afraid to let it all out, but little by little,
i feel as if i'm gaining those 'writing legs', kinda sorta like 'sea legs' as boating people would call it :)
it's a pretty awesome thing to have enough people in your life that want to see your dreams realized,
that in some way, shape, and form, you begin to slowly wake up from all of that dreaming,
and start doing.
for some people, the dreams are way huge,
and for others, the dreams are more simple.
but the importance of having those people in your life that nudge, push, or shove you in that direction...
well...
i probably don't even need to say it...
but their importance in your whole dream scenario...
is HUGE!
and well, acknowledging that importance, i think, is something that must always be done as well.
because, honestly, when we get somewhere...we usually don't get there alone.
one of the things i like to do...since the amazingness of texting came about...
although, yes, a lot of people think texting is from the devil and taking away the personal touch in life...
what i like to do is on random days, scroll through my phone and send my close friends a nice thought for the day...
or maybe even a compliment...or for my really special friends...just some love.
i've worked out a way to send kisses too...this is my symbol for it :)(:
right right...pretty goofy! haha!
of course, only certain people get that, and really, no one actually knows what that means, except, my friend, mic.
i like to think i'm the one who thought that up...but really, who knows.
as some say, no thought is original...everything is just a repeat.
have decided that keeping it light today, might be the way to go...to go along with the beginning of spring, right?
light and easy.
let's just say, that when you think something nice about someone, don't be afraid to say it...
give it to em...let em have it.
you have no idea what kind of impact you can have, by saying just a few kinds words to another human being.
it's the simplest form of happiness...just to be kind, and how surprising it is when it comes back around to you.
if you've ever noticed when you around a person that is positive, happy, and loving...
it's almost as if it floats onto you like a blanket...makes you feel somewhat warm and safe and glad to be alive.
i often get texts back from my friends, saying, 'oh wow, you have no idea how much i needed that today!'
in turn that makes me happy that i could make them smile and make their day better.
win win, right? right on!
yes, most likely that is a re-run of what i've been writing about since i started this blog...
but it is so important, i think it can stand to be repeated...just sayin...
i'm pretty well known amongst my friends for leaving the longest voice messages in the world (and yes, really long long texts, i can't lie)...
so, long that as i'm talking, i get cut off by the message gods. haha!
mostly, people just laugh about it...and it can be a form of entertainment,
because by the end of it, they know my life story of what has been going on that day or generally speaking, in my life.
the subjects range from how awesome i may think they are, to what i saw that day, or maybe just nothing but babbles of life, love, and happiness.
of course, yes, there are a couple of my buds, that basically, will not listen to the whole thing, and erase it...then call me to ask what i wanted...
to that i always tell them, 'what if i said something so amazing and awesome, never to be repeated again...you've just missed out'. haha!
the truth of that is...
sometimes we do need to wait til the end...
because, yep...you just never know...
like skipping to the end of a novel, just to see what happens, without reading through the book.
sometimes, we just have to take the time to get there.
feel the breeze, smell the tulips, walk on the grass, scoop the sand up in our hands and let it run through, and lean our heads back and feel the sun shining on our faces....ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
that's the good stuff, eh?
yep.
so, here's a thought for you...
and maybe this isn't the way you may think, but let's just say, there are a few people in your life,
that really make the difference in almost everyday for you...
maybe they are the last thought before you go to sleep and the first thought when you wake up, even...(which, by the way, sounds a lot like love to me)
tell them.
because even though it may make you nervous to say it or feel kinda goofy to admit it...
they need to hear it...in more ways than one, i'm sure.
and honestly, in my mind, why waste time without truth of heart?
that's the one, simple, honest, and lovely thing we all have...we just have to let it out, and not worry what others may think.
i've just finished reading the book i've told you guys all about in a few of my other blogposts...
the one by krishnamurti...'freedom from the known'
anyways, it took me ages to actually get through it, because much of it seemed way above my head of understanding...but the some of it really rang true to me...and part of that was about passion of life...
he says at the end of the book...'passion is a rather frightening thing because if you have passion, you don't know where it will take you.'
he says that it's not something that you can seek, invite, or wait for...it's maybe one of those things that has to come upon us like a cool breeze, when we leave our front door open....it just happens...
and when it does, our human nature is to analyze it, beat it up, and trample it with thought...
instead maybe we should just feel it and enjoy it while it's there, not trying to understand it, but live in it.
the funny thing is, at the end of this book, he says that as soon as we close this book, we'll either forget everything that was in it, or take some of it away with us, and repeat it to others, or compare it to some other books we've read...
trying apply it to our lives, he says, will not help us...
what it does is just takes us away from who we really are...and the only person that can do that for you...
is you.
no one else will take you there, and know you, and understand you...except you...in your own truth and your own wisdom of self.
added to that though, is that wonderful feeling you may get when that person is in the room that makes you feel as if you're saved...that all it takes is just a look from them, to settle you into the sheer fact that all will be okay, and that you're going to make it, and that your heart is alive...it doesn't even take words...that's when you know your life is good.
the thing that i've been learning in my life, is that as i get older, i'm less scared to say how i feel...
but in that fearlessness, sometimes is the curse of thinking that others understand where we're coming from...
in that, what we must understand or be okay with, is that when we give, we can't expect to receive...
that we have to give for the soul reason of giving,
and be content in that.
to share part of who you are with others can be a slippery slope if we get lost in the feeling of, 'i want this given back to me'.
so, in a way, when we put it out there, it's like throwing that proverbial caution to the wind, and let it loose.
what might be the way to go is to not be afraid to be kind...
because in truth...it can only make life better.
yours and whoever you're giving it to.
as for me, i know that it seems to always have a way of returning to you.
in different ways, from different people, and at different times.
sometimes, in the perfect moment,
and when it comes at odd times...well, we still must remember...it's coming to us...
that's special, in and of itself.
life and love are inexplainable mostly...and passion is without control...
geesh...you ask, what is in our control?
hmmmmmmm...
great question!
of course, all of our answers will be different and come from way different places and spaces within us...
that is what makes each and every one of us...who we are...
as they say in yoga...'the way out is in'
and for sure, for sure...what's in there...inside of you...
whether you're ready to look at it or not...it is 'powerful beyond measure', my friends.
share that stuff with others, the stuff that's within you.
that is definitely the only way this world is going to become a better place...
not with money, not with houses, not with cars, not even with sweet ass dancin shoes (i hate to admit)...
it's with heart, with soul, with passion of life, and with love.
that's the shit, guys,
it's the real deal.
if my writing that, sounds like i'm excited...well, you know it! haha!
how can i not be?!
i'll leave ya, with this lil quote from george elliot...'blessed is the influence of one true, loving human soul to another'...
enough said :)

mirrors of you...

ever have those times that you just feel as if there's too much to say?
well...i'm kinda thinkin that this time, is one of those times for me.
just coming off a fantastic weekend away from home in atlanta,
and so many things are floating around in this head of mine,
i can't even begin to tell you...
but
i'll try to make some of it make a little sense.
i do have to say how amazing a change of scenery is for the psyche!
wowzers! no lie, right?!
honestly, just strolling through the piedmont park,
or trapsing through lil 5, into abadaba, my fave shoe spot, (which, by the way, got some sweet ass kicks)
or hangin in virginia highlands, browsing through shops,
and basically, people watching.
it's one of the funny things that happens to you, when you're not at home,
and you're not thinking about your job, paying bills, or working out...
you're just enjoying each moment as it comes along,
moments of thinking, 'man, why don't i live here?' or 'oh, my god, so nice to see others just like me'...
i'm not alone! wow!
and nope, we aren't alone, ever, to be perfectly honest...
but yes, there are days that you can feel absolutely alone in the person that you are,
or how you feel, or maybe even what you stand for.
the important part of that is...
that you just are that...you...nothing else.
no walls, no guards (as much as we want to put them up), no excuses.
just you.
through the years of friends, family, and girlfriends, i've realized that we are different people with different people.
we know the things we can say and do around certain people.
and we live accordingly, many times.
i could lie and say that i'm always the same person with everyone...
but i'm not...definitely not.
and in some ways, maybe that's okay...
but in some ways, i'm thinking that i have to learn to shed all of that worry about whether or not,
this person or that person can handle it or not,
who i am.
and who we are is important!
so important!
i was laughing with a friend the other day when we were talking about love stuff,
and i was explaining myself and how i am to her,
and saying basically, i wish i could just be normal, like i am with every other person,
with a person i have feelings for...
instead, i'm nervy, worried about what i'm saying, how it comes out, how i look, stumbling over things,
and googley eyed and headed. it's pretty fantastically hilarious, really! haha!
but what we were saying was, 'wow, if that person could only know us as we really are, they'd probably like us much more'...
'i'm so much funnier usually!' haha!
which also brings me to my other thought...
trying to always look inwardly, and figure out the things that aren't so great about what's inside of us,
it becomes pretty difficult to look at...because seemingly there are so many things to work on.
always becoming, right?
right.
the total truth is...no matter what...
looking inwardly, and knowing our downfalls, and owning up to them,
is just the beginning of rolling forward, and becoming.
there's no easy way to look in a mirror.
it's almost like looking into one of those crazy mirrors at a cosmetics counter.
oy veh!
scary close and magnified!
seeing every pore and every blemish...ugh...
but then again...if we don't look that closely, how will we ever grow as individuals?
in yoga today, my instructor was talking about being our own worst critics, and also the way each of us see's differently.
no matter what...we may be looking at the same sunrise, the same work of art, or watching the same movie...
but we all will most definitely take what we want from it or put our own spin on what's happening.
it's just human nature, the way we live, the things we've been through steer us to the way we see it all.
the philosopher, krishnamurti believed that instead of reacting to things because of past experiences,
and notions that we've come to through those experiences,
that we should just be right in the moment, without judgement,
somehow without thought, and revel in that exact moment.
to me, i wonder how you could make it through life without living on those past experiences.
sounds interesting though, but seemingly really hard to live without thought of your thoughts!
geez!
haha!
alright, alright...confusing right?
so, let's just say this...we're so quick to judge all of what's going on around us,
that maybe, just maybe, we're sort of forgetting to let the universe just take care of it...
and have some faith that things do have a way of working themselves out.
i have a humongous struggle with this always. always thinking of the right things to do and say.
always making extra efforts at certain things that i really and truly have no control over.
it's one of my most idiotic frailties...but yes, it is who i am though...hard for a leopard to change it's spots :)
we love who we love, we are who we are, whatever will be will be....yep yep...all songs. haha!
i guess what we must remember through all of the introspection,
a few things...
first of all, the root of the word education is educere, which means to draw forth from within...
secondly, the philosopher carl rogers once said, 'the curious paradox is that when i accept myself just as i am, then i can change'
and last...there's a turkish proverb that goes like this...'no matter how far you have gone down a wrong road, turn back'
and yeah, right, you may be wondering why i'm quoting all of these things...
but i guess the reason being that for ages and ages people have been thinkin, writin, and talkin about just this...
change, who we are, acceptance, love, and looking within to find all of the answers.
and no matter how hokey it does sound, my friends...
the answers...
all of them...
are right there...
inside of you.
yes, i have a hard time believing that i have all the answers, although i'm pretty sure my dad thinks he does...
at least, that's what he always says. haha!
but seriously and honestly...
to be simple and truthful to yourself, and believe in the power within you to understand and perhaps to endure...
well, then, yes, yes, yes, it is within all of us.
we just actually have to believe it...
then...
who knows what can happen, right?
right!
i leave you with this,
as i was driving up to atlanta this passed week, i was excited, and listening to music,
singing and dancing in my car, and dreaming of the good time i was about to have...
and this rap song came on as i was shuffling through the stations...
in the song, there was a line that i took away with me...
the rapster said, 'everyone dies, but not everyone lives'...
hmmmmmmmm...
prophetic words from a booty shaking song, i can't lie...
but hey,
i choose to live.
i mean seriously, guys...
why not live?!
to fullest and brightest extent that we can!
not apologizing for who we are constantly...
but just as we say at the end of yoga...namaste...
the light in me recognizes the light in you...
right on, i say! right on!
all the crap we tell ourselves thats no good...cast that out...
and live!
after all, we only this one life to do it in...
unless, of course, you believe otherwise...and hey, that's a whole other discussion.
but let's just say...
live it now...and be you...
and if you need a change of scenery to wake up and smell the coffee...
then by all means, do that too!
supposedly though, we don't have to go anywhere to figure all that out...
you can pretty much do it from wherever you are...
as for me, i can't lie...getting away, seems to clear space for everything i seem to hold onto,
and reminds me of what i've left behind, what i've been missing, and how lucky i am to have an amazing place to come back to.
which brings me back around the point...
we're all different, we all see what we see, and do what we do.
the importance of knowing thyself is life changing and mind blowing and world becoming, for sure.
so, look in the mirror, don't be afraid...even if it is scary...to see all that...
know that what you're seeing in that mirror,
carries within itself...
all that you need.
you.

what led me here...

before i start off on my ramblings...
i just kinda wanted to make mention of the fact that i made it passed my 1000 hit mark this week...
i've been aiming for it, and quite excited about it as well...
and basically, none of that would have happened without you guys, checkin in, here and there...
i appreciate it, more than you know...and more than you can possibly imagine!
so, thank you!
of course, now that i've passed that mark...really what was it all about? haha!
onto the next goal right? hmmmmmm...
i guess, in life, we're always setting little marks for ourselves...
then, when we pass them...what do we do? make another mark.
it seems to be a never ending circle, doesn't it?
but i guess, in a lot of ways, we just like to know where we've come from or where we've been...
something like that...
and as long as we keep rollin on, it's nice to make little marks...
sort of like the little marks that you make when you're little,
against the door jamb, to see how much taller you've gotten from one year to the next.
which brings me to my actual thought for this day of blogging.
a few weeks ago, when one of my best friends was in town...
the one i ran around the beach, taking goofy pictures with...that one...
anyways, her and her hubby were making a little driving cd for the trip back to atlanta...
and lucky for me, they made me a copy.
i've totally been driving and singing to it for the last several weeks.
one of the songs on there is a darius rucker song about life and decisions and near misses.
basically...those things being what shape your life, and end up bringing you to this exact moment.
ranging from small things like missed traffic lights, to not being accepted to the college of your choice, and having to go to a different one.
little bit of a destiny song, really.
it's a pretty happy song, that has taken me into work and made me in a good mood, i can't lie.
it makes me think back on the many different decisions in my life that led me to an amazing array of spots and stories and loves.
most of us can pin point some of these things exactly as they happened.
for me, there were some pretty big ones...
such as...
deciding to work at a golf course, after my first teaching job...
there i met one of my close friends, (in between all of this time, i moved to arizona, turned down a teaching job in napa valley, and then ended up in another teaching job in jacksonville) then i ended up caddying for her on the european and the lpga tours...
and from that, i met one of the most amazing loves of my life, which in turn was the reason for me finally coming out of the closet to all of my family and friends...
which, i'm not gonna pretend at all...was crazily huge, and to be perfectly honest, i know i would have eventually come out, but it was definitely the impetus behind getting out...i remember distinctly her saying...'i can't imagine being with some one who isn't out'...
and that was it for me...i drove 16 hours home from connecticut, and let it out.
from there i ended up broken hearted,
but somehow lucked into another teaching job,
in which i met another awesome friend, that was one of the reasons i walked into a local coffee shop,
and met the next love of my life...which phenomenally changed my scope of life and love in all ways.
she even showed me a different side to having a family, which i was never really sure i'd ever have.
there was even a day that i woke up last year, while trying to make the decision to move home from oregon,
the day after i had made the decision to stay for the summer, then come home...
well, i woke up and had this strong urge to just go home...
i quit my job, sold my things, jumped in my cube, drove down the pch, and across america, and came home...
not a month and a half after being home, found out my dad had a brain tumor...which amazingly so...has fully recovered from.
wowzers! that's all i can muster up to say about that.
besides those decisions, there have been smaller one's, such as those nights that you feel as though, 'i should get out tonight, i'm feeling good'...and low and behold...great things happen...
like meeting a great friend...running into an old friend...or randomly ending up, meeting a sexy girl, that, by the end of the night, you're driving home, 4 in the morning, laughing and hooting out your window, wondering how it all happened! (shirt unbuttoned!) haha!
yes, yes, yes...life can be a whirlwind of near misses and straight on collisions, i'm here to tell ya!
which brings me back to the darius rucker song...
'...thank god for all i missed, cuz it led me here to this...'
all things lead to this moment, basically...
every action, reaction, decision, indecision...
here we are.
and we are here, because of all that, aren't we?
i'm here to say, i'm so glad that i didn't move when i thought i should have,
that i had my heart broken when i did,
that i went out when i felt that it was right,
that i said what i needed to say, when i just couldn't hold it in...
because the truth of all of that is that i'm in this exact spot because of it...
and i've had some kind of astounding luck with it all!
my bad luck has turned out to be good luck...which, if you think about it, is utterly insane! haha!
as i've told you before, i regularly go to yoga...
and one of the things that is always being talked about is being in the moment.
of sort of being in your breath.
relaxing into a pose, and losing all thought of anything else...
i have to admit though, that there are times that this works,
because you're in so much pain, all you can do is be in that moment. haha!
nothing else is affecting you, basically.
you're staring at a spot on the wall, a crystal, a light socket, whatever it is...
and you're breathing.
that's all there is, right then...is that moment exactly, as you wait expectantly for the yogi to say the next pose...
but even then, you're getting ahead of yourself...you just have to be right there, feeling each muscle aching,
each drip of sweat dropping, each inhale and exhale...
settling into where you are.
it's teaching me a lot about living in the moment...and enjoying life, if at all possible without judgement of that moment either way...
as it comes, live it, appreciate it for what it is, learn your lessons, and know that more are around the corner.
so, the next time you're leaving the house,
and you forget something inside,
have to go back in and get it...
who knows? maybe that will be just enough time for the red light to be missed,
for that person to walk into the coffee shop,
for that dog to get across the street,
or for that reckless driver not be anywhere near you.
near misses and head on collisions, my friends...life is full of them.
as socrates would say, true learning comes from remembering.
look back, remember, and be thankful for what you've missed out on...
and what has smacked you right in the kisser.
all of that has brought you to this exact moment.
take it in and go with it.

what's in a name...

i'm gonna hit the ground running today with you guys...
i realized the other day that i hadn't actually explained the story behind my blog name...
although there are a few of you that already know it,
there are probably a lot more that don't.
and most likely, you were just thinkin that was part of my name, basically...
and weren't thinkin of it at all. haha!
but there is a story behind the name, so, am thinking that it's pretty worth sharing now.
now that i've posted 30 spots...i'm feelin as if we know each other well enough to let you in on this secret...
so, mom, close your ears, because, yes, she's been asking me to change it...
but, to me, it's kind of important and i'm compelled to keep it the way it is.
so, here goes...
i should preface this by saying that i grew up in hilliard, a very very small town, (at the time i was there...we only had one red light)
just down the road from here...from the time i was in 3rd grade til the time i graduated...
then we moved here...to this luscious lil island.
anyways, back to the story...
last year, as some of you know, i lived in portland, oregon, for an 8 month stint.
i came home for christmas though, and i was in contact with one of my friends that i grew up with,
and we had decided that we were going to meet up for a beer or two or three :)
we decided that, for kicks, we'd meet up at the local bar in hilliard called 'the tree house lounge'.
so, on the given night, i borrowed my mom's car and drove over there...a 35 minute drive through the woods, basically,
and there we met...i have to admit, i was a little bit nervous, being i'd only been in this bar one other time,
after all of my friends and i had graduated from college...we thought it would be fun to hit this little local honky tonk.
so, i waited for my buddy to get there and we walked in together...
his family has owned the bar since i can remember, so, everyone knew him, and i actually got in for free...he, being like royalty there.
immediately, i felt a bit out of place...wearing my 'peace, love, harvard' tshirt with a long sleeve shirt under it,
and my poofy patagonia vest with a beanie cap on as well.
but hey, i grew up here, so i was talking myself into the fact that i belonged there too.
anyways, we sat down and ordered, and as the night progressed, more and more people walked in...
the music system was blaring the latest country tunes, and we were catching up on life.
next thing you know...person after person came up to say hello, and all saying, 'hey, aren't you honey deacon, i'm blankity blank, don't you remember me?'...sometimes i did remember, sometimes not...being it had been almost 25 years since i had seen some of them...and people do change...not me, just other people. haha!
anyways, one guy said to me, 'hey, have you seen so and so, i'm pretty sure she bats for your team'...
i couldn't quite remember who he was talking about, but then after some time of back and forth,
he decides to get her and bring her over.
turns out, as soon as i saw her face, i remembered who she was.
we laughed loud and hard when we saw each other...and then we embraced and began to catch up on what we had been up to the last few years...it was really great!
as we were chatting, she asked me if i was single, and i said yes, for about 5 years now...
then she proceeded to tell me, 'well, no worries there, you're a catch, somebody will sweep you up soon enough, after all, you're honey fucking deacon'...
at that comment, i laughed and said, 'what?'...not being sure i heard her right...
she explained to me...'you were my idol when we were growing up...you were the best singer, you were an awesome athlete, you were so cool...different from anyone else'...
she said some other things, and we continued our conversation, and had a blast catching up on life...
as i drove home that night...i couldn't stop giggling to myself about that conversation...honey fucking deacon. haha!
the next morning i got up and relayed the stories of the night to my parents and my little bro, and we laughed some more...and at a certain point, my bro was like, 'hell yeah, that's right, you are honey fucking deacon, sis!'
which brings me to my point of this whole story...
there are certain points in our lives that maybe we forget who we are...
that maybe we have talked ourselves into not believing in who we are...
or that we feel in some way that we have no positive impact on others...or that no one see's us...or knows who we are...
or maybe that no one cares, for that matter.
know this, people do see you and they are paying attention.
you must also realize that you are making some difference and having some impact on another person.
how great would it be to be going for the positive impact, rather than the negative?
so, remember, what you say, what you do, how you carry yourself, even your body language, speaks for itself.
the funny thing was that i had no idea that my friend, way back when, even looked at me that way.
i have to say, it really had an impact on me to hear all those things...
because, honestly, for me, its become easier and easier to not succeed or just not try.
having failure after failure pound the nail of disappointment into my head.
i've carried that story around me since then, reminding myself each time i was thinking that i was no one,
that hey, i am honey fucking deacon, don't forget that...
when i'm struggling with something or feeling fearful...there it is to remind me.
so, basically, yeah...maybe you guys can incorporate something of the sort for yourselves...
self motivating kinda thing...because, as you know, sometimes you are the only person around to motivate you.
i leave you with this, one of my most favorite passages in this world...
i found it about 10 years ago, somewhere, i don't really know...
but it travels with me, and is always stuck to my fridge with a magnet, just as a reminder...
it is from marianne williamson's 'return to love'...quoted by nelson mandela...and hey, they even used it in 'coach carter' right at the end...makes me cry every time i watch that part...
here you go...
"our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. it is our light not our darkness that most frightens us. we ask ourselves, 'who am i to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous.' actually, who are you NOT to be. your playing small doesn't serve the world. there is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that others won't feel insecure around you. we are born to manifest the glory that is within us. it is in everyone. and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. as we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
so, i say to you, on this day of days,
who are you not to be powerful beyond measure, my friends?!
it is up to you to make your life happen,
being as that movie 'the holiday' says, the star in your own screenplay...not one of the supporting actors.
so, there you go, that's my story...
i am...
honey fucking deacon
:)

p.s.
please excuse all of the cursing of these previous paragraphs...
but hey, it was only truly to make a point...
hope i made it.