growing up...

the other day, i was havin a conversation with a friend, and i was saying how i was growing up, and learning...
was kinda funny...
being i'm 45, and still not grown up in so many ways.
haha!
but, oh, well, right?
i've decided that growing up isn't all it's cracked up to be on some certain occasions.
yes...it is cool to be able to do what you want.
yep...totally.
bills...hmmmmmmmmmm...not so cool...but then again, i always feel a sense of satisfaction when i can pay them...
that's always nice.
there's even a truly goofy part of me that loves to look in my fridge or cupboard, after i've gone grocery shopping, and look at my food.
yeahhhhhhhh, for some reason, that makes me feel good too.
just knowing that i have food. that's a big thing for me.
but then again, i just love grocery stores...there's something about them that makes me feel safe and happy...weird, i know...but it's something i've learned about myself.
i know what you're thinking, you're wondering what in the world a grown woman is thinking when she has a sense of satisfaction at the most common of things of being a grown up?
and to explain that...wow...there would be a whole lot of things, you'd have to know about me.
things you probably wouldn't want to know.  haha!
my thought though today...well...it's a pretty simple thought, as most of my thoughts are, i have to admit :)
i guess i figure in this ever changing world, we have to sort of stay on our toes, and learn the things that drive us...
the things that don't work for us at all...
the things that hurt us...
the things that make us feel joy...
the things that make us nervous, in good ways and bad ways...
it's these things that we should pay attention to.
in order somehow survive and learn and grow.
i'll be the first to admit though that this whole process can be a painful one.
a really painful one.
but i guess the cool part of that is that some days, i'm just rolling along, and i run into to something that i've seen before, and just then, i know what to do, and what i want.
that's when i realize that i have learned something.
but here's the thing...every situation that we encounter is different, right? 
and supposedly, if we let too much of our past rule how we make decisions now, we won't have an open mind to what's actually happening...we won't see things for what they are, if we live off the past.
it's a fine line to tread...
and i'm trying as i might, not to be jaded by things that have happened to me before.
gosh...that's when this being grown up thing is for the birds, eh?  haha!
decisions, decisions, decisions.
bargh!
haha!
the lucky thing in my life is though, that i haven't had to make huge decisions like most of my counterparts.
it's what comes with the fact that my life is pretty damn simple.
and i have not a whole lot of ownership of things in this world...truly, i don't.
i do find that sometimes, when others are having conversation with me about these kinds of things, that they look at me as if i could not possibly know where they are coming from, being that i do live this life of simplicity.
i can honestly say that there have been times that i've been offended by this...
being talked to as if i wasn't a pertinent member of society,
just because i have chosen this lifestyle.
thing is though...we're all living here, experiencing things...at the same time...
just down the street from each other.
and yes, they are different levels of stress...
and we all deal with it differently as well.
we all feel failure and hurt and dissapointment.
i think that maybe if we could just see that in each other and know that it's all important...
maybe there would be some common ground between the haves and the have nots.
i'm looking at this as i type, and it's not actually what i had woken up to write...
but it's what's coming out of me, so, obviously, it might be what's on my mind.
seeing eye to eye with another living soul is something to strive for in this life time.
to try and understand someone else's plight, even if it's not your own.
i think that could be a way to end a lot of the pain of growing up.
it's taken me a long time to get to this place in my life,
where there is satisfaction in the smallest of things.
for me, i live in a pretty small way, really.
i get up...i have coffee...i work out...i go to work...
and then...a whole lot of small things in between, that make my life what it is.
i know that there's more...and as i grow and as i learn...i'm tryin to figure out what other small things i'd like to add to the mix of my life.
now, i have to tell you, i have no idea if that means at all that i'm growing up.
haha!
but that being said...i've found myself as of late, understanding a lil more...and trying to make decisions according to what's good for me and what's not.
this, my friends, has taken me a long long time to get to.
yes, i may be a slow learner...and quite immature in a numerous amount of ways.
but...
and this is a big but...(yeah, i said big but...haha!)
every once in awhile i notice myself doing something that i haven't done before, and i realize, 'holy shit, i am learning!'
for me...i don't know about you...
i'm pretty stoked, elated, and jazzed up, when i know i've actually moved forward and figured one little thing out.
so, yeah, for me...baby steps...that's my ticket.
maybe the secret in life is to figure out what our ticket is to growing and learning.
and just go with that.
it may not look at all like the person next to you...
but the funny part about that is...sometimes all those different ways of growing up, take us to the exact same place as the guy next to us.

"could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other's eyes for an instant?"
~from 'walden' by henry david thoreau~