people, places, and things...

it's funny,
even though i swear myself to write every other week,
it seems i just can't swear myself to anything.
i don't know about you,
but i end up finding any reason not to sit down and write.
it's one of those things, isn't it?
when you're supposed to do it,
when you set a date,
it seems so seriously committed,
that it stifles me from my thoughts or even my urge to get things going.
weird? yes.
abnormal? probably not.
guess that's something that happens to loads of people.
i've never considered myself commitment-phobic,
but maybe i am.
i don't know.
of course, there are different levels of this, i'm guessing.
for me, it's in the makin plans.
one week you say, 'yeah, dinner sounds great!'
then when the day arrives...life has happened...and yeah, dinner doesn't sound so great.
if i look a lil deeper...maybe that's why i have the job i do too.
there's no urgent sense of commitment there...
except for in the moment that i'm slingin bags, left and right.
when it's done, it's done.
even though it's the same movements, a lot of the same people, and the setting is the same,
each time it's different, because the tee times are never the same.
when we're busy, there's this frustrated sense of urgency of just wanting to get it done.
i guess that's what makes it so important to work with good people.
when you're sweating and running around like a chicken with your head cut off, you want to be doin that with someone you can count on, and someone you can laugh with, even though you're getting your ass handed to you on a platter, or in this case, many sets of golf clubs, and dirty golf carts. haha!
well...
so, there is a bit of commitment there, eh?
to each other, right? yeah.
i've had people tell me that maybe that's my problem with not finding a mate, or maybe the reason i choose the people i do...
i think of that quite often...
but i don't believe so.
because, honestly, can we really choose who we fall for?
i wish i had more control over that part, for sure.
i definitely think there's no control when that is happening.
there have been way too many times that i'm quite foolish and ridiculous...more times than i can count.
so, yep, no control over that.
maybe that's the problem though, for me.
i was sitting down yesterday, after a great workout, feelin pretty wonderful, and i came to the conclusion that when i'm home, i'm in this lil space that i've created for myself, and it's safe, and i'm sorta in control of it.
sort of :)
when it gets any bit of out how i want it...i feel my body tighten...i feel my sense of soundness shaken...my thought of 'this is my space' is totally screwed.
i was talkin to one of my friends yesterday about it...
deciding that this is definitely one of the things that calls for therapy. among many other faults i have. haha! geez!
as we were talkin about it, havin mojitos on my front porch, i was calm and relaxed, but even the subject makes me antsy.
i guess i feel as if the only place i do have any sense of control of anythin, is in my lil apartment...it's like my lil den of my soul...even though it's small by comparison to other people's homes...it's huge in my mind!
the sense of goodness and calm that comes over me by just walkin in the door is amazing...the silence of not havin t.v...the solitude of livin alone...one of the reasons that everythin does have it's place (but also because i'm obsessive compulsive...yet another reason for therapy...the list goes on, believe me...haha).
my problem lies in lettin go sometimes...
in not havin control, and being okay with it.
sometimes i'm totally unsure of just about everything.
of people.
of places.
of things.
all the nouns, yes.
and the verbs, most definitely :)
letting freakin go.
i was tellin my kids at school the other day...
'you never know how you'll do until you try'
haha!
sounds so easy, doesn't it?!
here i am, spouting this off to my kids...
and here i am...getting anxious about the most ridiculous of things...control.
i think i get that from you, dad...thanks :) haha!
one of our family jokes are the words my dad has said all of our lives..."here's the plan"...
meaning...here's how it will go because it's up to me and i make the rules. hahahhahahha!
funny thing is...
even writing this...i have no control. haha!
i just start writing, and see where it goes...
that's kinda loosey goosey, right?
yeah, i'm going with that.
so, here's my thought...each day, what i'm gonna try and do with one thing or another...is lose a little control...and just see what happens.
i don't know how that will go.
but if we're steering ourselves in a set path, always...how will anythin different ever happen? how will the results change?
geez, i have no idea, i really don't...but it's nice to be surprised too, isn't it?
the truth of my matter is different than your truth.
we all have to find our own,
and yet they may be closely related or extremely different.
the thing that ties us all together...is that we all have our truths.
mine...
i suck at commitment.
i hate a mess.
i'm not great at confrontation.
i let my heart get the best of me.
i cry at weird times.
i laugh at the wrong time.
i think all songs played, are played for me. haha!
i'm better to my friends than i am to my family.
i curse outloud and to myself...a lot.
when i get nervous, i speak out of turn.
i'm scared i'm not enough.
and yes, most definitely, there are times, i'm too much (that's part of my heart getting the best of me).
and i over-share...thinkin at the time, it's a great idea...afterwards, probably not so much :)
well, so, there ya go...
truths...
although they make me cringe a little, lookin at them, written down...
they are who i am...
and who i struggle to be.
or more aptly put, struggle against being.
i guess that's what makes humanity beautiful right?
because although, there's all that to contend with (and well, much more, i've only listed a few things in order to stop writing at some point. haha!)
we're still here together...and great things are happening all the time...things that we don't control or have no control over...life is still this crazily amazing and lucky thing that we have.
beautiful people!
beautiful places!
beautiful things!
yes! all the nouns!
and all the verbs!
surrounded by beauty, even in this mess i call my life! haha!
now that, my friends...that's what makes life so beautiful.
with all the faults, issues, and lack of control. i'm still here.
i guess that's what makes it easier to get up everyday and see what happens.
you won't know until you try right?
i guess i'll have to take my own advice :)