a smile and a laugh between strangers....

yep...I know...
it's been a life and a half since the last time I was on here...
writing something...
and gosh, I gotta say, it would have to be a three part series to catch up on what's been going on since the last time I blogged...the life and times of honey fucking deacon, right?  :)
haha!
but instead of ye olde rehash, i'm just gonna go with my story of yesterday...
and then we'll work with the ebb of flow of the life and times...
let's see how that goes, shall we?
as you know already, I do a small service job, 4 or 5 days a week...in slow times, only 3, which, of course, makes me cringe when the schedule comes out...
in my head, i'm thinkin...'holy shit, how will I pay my bills?!', but somehow it works (in these parentheses, I must thank my parents for still caring and watching out for me, just in case I look hungry...thanks mom and dad...you rock...always)...
so, anyways, I feel like, those of us in the service industry know this feelin all too well...
but also, for me, I don't know about you, I usually find myself, on my days off, if I walk into a joint, whether it be a restaurant or a store, going out of my way to be nice to whom ever is taking care of me...
because, let's face it, we know what they're goin through...
taking care of others to make a living can take it all out of you.
even if it's not brain surgery or changing the world...
at the end of the day, you're taking care of what someone else needs.
that, in and of itself, can make you feel shitty or make you feel like you have an opportunity to make someone's day better...
somehow, you have that power...
even if it's in the smallest of ways...
sometimes that makes the biggest difference.
so, here's my lil story...maybe it will make more sense now that I've babbled a bit about somewhat thankless jobs, that we service folks do...
there are some days, that I totally feel thanked :)
and those are the good days...yep yep.
let's back up to yesterday's lil jaunt to some food and shoppin with my mom.
just a regular getaway for a few hours, but it seemed as if every store we went into, somehow we were able to make who ever was takin care of us, laugh and smile.
as for me, I love makin people laugh...to see that this person is letting go enough for just a minute or two, a total stranger, right there in front of you, enjoying that moment...
yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, that's like a victory in life, I think.
several stores we went into, we ended up in conversation with people somehow, from the Clinique girl behind the counter at dillards (we were giggling and laughin with her, sharing with her where to get a really nice cocktail), to the gap kids manager (who actually looked at first like she would fall asleep while ringing us up, until we said something to her that made her smile, and automatically she perked up and admitted to needin a coffee), to the Dominican brother in full robes, shoppin in Williams and Sonoma (when we first approached him, he seemed wary of these goofy women that asked him where he was from, but promptly got into a full on conversation about spain after he realized my mom was of latin decent, practicing his Spanish on her, happily), and the beautiful girl working at anthropologie (which as soon as I broke the silence of her checkin me out, that she told me how much of a surprise the beautiful day was to her, and as she handed me my change, she grabbed both of my hands and looked me in the eyes and thanked me for coming in, all the while smiling)...
it's not as if we changed anyone's lives yesterday, but before we walked up to them, who knows what was goin on in their heads...
maybe for that moment of laughing and smiling, we were able to help them feel better about whatever their day had been about before that second.
that eye contact...
   that exhale just before the laugh...
           that smile as you're telling each other to have a good day...
                   that moment that you truly know that we're all sorta in the same boat...
                           just tryin to make it sail.
when I got home from my lil girls day trip with my mom, I was telling one of my friends about it, and she was saying how nice it feels to be connected to people...
like when you have a day that you just seem to run into people, around every corner, and somehow make a connection with them...it truly brings you all together, even if you never see that person again.
I guess the thing about that is...if you walk with your head up and you notice people and are aware that all of this living is going on around you...that everyone is just going about their day, doing what they do and hoping for it to be happy in some kind of way...I guess if we just notice that and as often as possible leave a good imprint on the person we've just walked away from...
just imagine...
what you could do for someone in just that moment.
I was telling my mom about it as I was driving us home...I said to her, 'I bet/hope at the end of their day of work, they may think about those two fun women they took care of that day that made them laugh, when they were just going about their business of clocking in their time'...
yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhh, i'd like to think that, because at the end of my day or during it sometimes, when i'm working, I think that same thing...'man I love taking care of happy people' or 'that was fun to get a laugh out of that guy, he didn't look so nice at first'...
to put a smile on someone's face is a gift, and it doesn't cost a thing, except maybe a lil effort to make it happen.
so, when someone tells you that it's the simple things in life that make the difference...
listen to that person...
and grab those moments...
smile...
and laugh...

"there are only two ways to live your life.  one is as though nothing is a miracle. the other is as if everything is."  ~Albert Einstein~

another day at the barn....

wow...
here we are...
or i guess i should say...
here i am :)
3 whole months since i sat down to write!
summer...
it sorta does it...
just takes you away.
mine has, i think...in good ways and bad ways...
but...
here i am :)
soooooooooooo, where to begin?
hmmmmmmmmmm...
i guess i should probably just go with the story that made me think that it was about time i write something...
you know, as i always say, i find reasons to not sit down and write, even if i think, 'hey, this is a good idea', i still manage to find other things to do.
yep...am imagining it happens to the best of us.
but the other day i had a couple cool things happen to me in a row, while i was at work, that reminded me of how the small things in a day can change your view on the day, or your attitude, or your general feeling.
many of you will probably understand what i mean when i say that workin in the service industry can kinda put you at odds with your beliefs in human beings.
as i write this, it may sound sorta jaded or pissy or negative, but i don't necessarily mean it that way...
what i mean by that is that, there are days that you're just, for lack of a better term, sick of always taking care of people...cleaning up after them, dealing with their attitudes, smiling through their complaints, and saying, 'yes' all the time...
here's the thing...there are many times through those days that you come in contact with good/happy/kind-hearted people as well...
these are the experiences that help you glide a lil through your day...
that make you smile and think, 'hey, this isn't so bad, taking care of people'...
yep...it's those times.
so, this past sunday, i was doing my usual sling, with one of my favorite partners in the barn, and as i was walkin through the bag room, i noticed the bag of a member that only is in town here and there...
i decided when i saw his bag, that i knew he would play that day, so, i proceeded to grab his bag and set it up on a cart with some range balls...yes, just a usual thing you do when people play golf.
i have to tell you that last year, this same member and i didn't have a lot of appreciation for each other...he always came to play late, and would be the last off, and would not be that congenial, and you wouldn't see a tip from him, pretty much ever.
so, when he would come up, it would always be at the point that i would feel quite a bit of disdain from him just being there.
then one day, i decided that i needed to work harder at being friendlier towards him...it didn't make me feel good to hold anger against this guy that was just doing something he liked to do and something he paid great money for, and something i was getting paid for....
but mostly because i hate feeling that way towards another human being, whether i liked them or not...it's not good for your soul to hold onto that kinda stuff.
so, in this past year, i have worked to do lil things for him, and greet him with a more kinder face, and try and think ahead, so that he feels taken care of.
let me tell  you...it's made the biggest difference between us.
now when we see each other, we're both smiling and we chat, and then he goes off to play...
he even has mentioned a couple times how great it makes him feel that i'm always ready for him and take such great care of him...and in turn it makes me feel great that he notices.
so, back to the story...this sunday when he came down the steps, we said hello and he saw that his bag was already on a cart and ready to roll.
he smiled and laughed and asked me how i knew he was coming, and if i had seen him walking down?  i just told him i saw his bag downstairs and knew he'd play and wanted to be ready for him...
he was so happy by this small act, that he got on the phone with his wife, as i was standing there, and asked her to bring me some of the peach jam she had just made on the Friday before....
in his large southern draw, i listened to his conversation with his wife, and it made me happy...
he said to her, 'babe, you know that woman that i have been telling you about that works at the golf course, the one that always take care of me?  well, today i got to the course, and she had my bag out for me and on a cart, ready to go...i just want to do something nice for her too...will  you bring some of that jam down to her?'
he was smiling and i was smiling as he drove away to play his quick 18 in the late afternoon.
strangely enough, it brought a tear to my eye, just feeling like this person that i barely know, just did this kindness to me...just because i had been kind to him.
it made me smile pretty much the rest of the day.
crazily enough, not even an hour later, another member came off the course, and we were asking him how he liked his new house, and without even a thought, he said for us to hop in the cart and come check it out.
so, there we were, my work buddy and i, walking through this fantastic home of one of our members, and they were so friendly and lovely, showing us something they obviously were so excited about, and wanting to share with us.
we talked about the art work on the walls and about their kids and their lives before moving here...
it was a real moment of feeling not like a server.
as we rode the cart back to the barn, we both were so happy to have been treated with respect and care, that we were both just smiling and laughing about our day.
i know that I've probably talked about this often...
but as a server for many years, it can become this feeling of 'us and them'...
this feeling that you're not on the same level as another person...just because they have more.
it kind of gets hammered into you, in some way or another.
because there are some days that you do get treated that way, like you are lower...
it's easy for that feeling to get stuck in your head, and it stays.
i think that i am as much to blame for that feeling as the person on the other side, to be honest.
we are the ones, after all, that let people make us feel a certain way.
it is i that chooses to hold onto that.
but...
at the end of the day...
those small things, those kind gestures, from another human being, another soul...it's those things that make the difference in a day.
in a life time, actually.
there are loads of times that i'm cleaning someone's clubs that are stayin at the hotel (and if you didn't know, i work at a course that is next door to a pretty nice hotel, that we work in conjunction with, so we take their clubs to the hotel when they're done playing golf, being its a service we provide to make things easier on the guest) that the golfer will ask, 'will they take the clubs back to storage for us?' and usually i just reply, 'yes, of course'...but more recently, after hearing that for some time, I've started to reply, ' i am they '...
the first time i said it...i surprised myself and it made me smile...but it also took the guest of the player that asked me that by surprise too...and they actually laughed as well.
the more i thought about my reply, the more i liked that phrase...'i am they'
if you think about it, we are all 'they' to another person.
which kinda means we are all 'we'.
so quick to stand at arms length from another person because we're different or we are on a different level of success or we're not as pretty...
whatever the case may be...we're all here...
struggling to survive and holding hope for what's to come.
yep...it's the simple things in this life that carry us through.

"everyday may not be good,
but there's something good in every day." ~anonymous~

so, just remember, when you're going about your day, and it seems bleak and full of nothing, if you look hard enough, you'll find good things...they may be small...but small may just be enough to get  you through to the next day.
yep.
i am they.

21 and under...

well, here we are...
early sunday morning, and i've decided to go with my gut today.
there are loads of times i wake up for a second, and have a good idea (well, of course, that's all relative) of somethin to write about, but then i go back to sleep, and when i wake back up, i've forgotten this so called good idea.
i kick myself a little each time i do that.
but not today, i woke up with a thought, and decided why not get up right this moment, and just write it.
truth is, sometimes you don't have the luxury of going with it, because of responsibilities, but today, i have none.
sooooooooooo, with that, i give you my waking thought :)
the other day, i took, a friend of mine to a concert.
it was a concert i was pretty excited about, but that she really didn't know either of the bands performing.
i had discovered both on that lovely little deal called pandora.
these bands always seemed to pop up on my ray lamontagne station.
so, a couple months ago, as luck would have it, i happened to notice on my facebook feed that one of them was comin to town, and low behold, the other was opening for them.
two birds with one stone!  woohoo!
i was totally excited!
it was at a small concert venue as well, one of those kind that there are no seats, and a little bar very close to the stage...so basically, everywhere you are is near the stage, but if you're lucky, you're right next to the stage, and it's like they're in your living room, playin for you...
and well, i guess a group of your best friends.  haha!
anyways, we arrive at the door and the bouncer people card us...
which always makes me laugh...45 and getting carded is kinda hilarious, but from the bouncer's face, he didn't think it was funny at all...and didn't consider thank you to be anythin he needed to reply to.  haha!  probably for the small fact that there were two lil hotties in short dresses right behind us.
we laughed as we walked in because the bouncer barely even could make the effort to look our way, because his eyes were firmly glued onto the two chicadees behind us.  hahahahha!
so, thus we enter...
now this venue also is a 18 and over place...since it does serve alcohol, and well, it has that sort of bar atmosphere.
it's already a bit crowded up front, but we move around the side where the bar is...and happen to be able to walk right into a nice lil spot, pretty close to the stage, and be able to grab a brew as well.  perfect!
the roadies were just putting the final touches on the stage, when we begin to look around.
my friend looks over at me, and asks me if i notice that everyone in the place is young...way young. 
i laugh and say, 'yeah, there seem to be a lot of young people here.'
but the bands are both young and good looking.  seems to go with the territory.
when the first group comes out, people begin screaming and dancing and singing...it's awesome!  and i'm happy as a lark.
meanwhile, my friend notices that there are loads of people, as they are waving their hands in the air, that have x's marked largely on their hands.  you know, like with a fat magic marker...that large!  she leans over to me, and asks me why i think that is, and after a second of thought, i tell her it's because they're under 21.
the key to this answer, 'under 21'.
for pretty much the rest of the night, she just can't believe that we're in a place that has a sea of x's all around us, and there we are, two older women, listening right with them.
every so often she would lean over and tell me how old she felt.
actually, she said it a lot.
at one point, i leaned over to her and said, 'you know, the secret to remaining young is to surround yourself with youth'...
   and hey, 'who cares who's around us, it's about the music, it's about having fun, just let go and enjoy'.
during that night, we would look over at each other and just giggle at the fact that we were literally the oldest people there.
which brings me to my waking thought...
i am so very glad that music does not have an age limit.
that you can hear something and love it and just be part of the music.
i often wonder, when i'm out at a bar that has live music, if when i get much older, i'll still feel like dancing when i hear something that has a good beat or want to sing, when i hear a tune that i know by heart.
i wonder if there is this point in life, where you stop wanting to sing and dance and enjoy what's right in front of you,
without worry or concern for what everyone else is thinking of you, but with the sole intent to be in the music.
because for me, i may be that old woman that is standing there, just smiling and doin a lil jig...i might be just be that lady.  haha!
i don't know about you, but there are days that i recognize my age, and i'm so surprised by it.  how did it get here?!
i don't feel 45 when i hear a lil jay-z, taylor swift, justin timberlake, snoop dogg, the biebs (yep, i said it!  haha!).
and then i wonder, when will i grow up?
the answer...
i'm kind of hoping, never :)
it's funny as you get older, how you notice certain things a lil more than when you were younger.
and for the last few years, when i'm out, i will see maybe a person that is 20 years my elder, and i wonder what they are doing in a bar like this...
the answer...
the same damn thing i'm doing...
getting out...
being in the world...
enjoying what's in front of us.
the problem with that is we set age limits for ourselves in life.
by the time we get to 20, we'll be in the midst of the college of our choice...
by the time we get to 25, we'll be married...
by the time we get to 30, we'll have 2.5 children (don't know how that works though.  haha!)
by the time we get to 35, we'll be well put together and have it all figured out, where we are going and what we are doing...
question is...who made these freakin rules?!  and why do we blindly, follow them?! 
geeeeeeeeeeeeeez!!!!!!!!!
problem with all of that is...what happens if life hits you, and you're not going according to plan?  then what?
screw all that.
if i did everything according to age...god, i wouldn't have had some of the great times i've had in my life.
you know that saying, 'act your age'?
ignore it completely!
be ridiculous sometimes...that's why we've worked so hard to get here in the first place!
so, we get older...the fact is, i take glucosamine, i worry about what i put in my body, i can't stay up late several days in a row without feeling like crap, i ache a lil when i get up in the mornin...that's part of the way it is...
but that doesn't mean we have to stop living.
yeah, maybe we have to be smarter and be more responsible. (i'm still working on that one)
but when it comes to music, all bets are off!
and thank god, music doesn't have an age limit!
and thank god, i can hear a 'teenie bopper' song on the radio, and i can sing as loud as i want to, right by myself, right out my windows.
i don't care in the least who hears or see's me!  hahahaha!
maybe it's a book, i can't remember at the moment, it's early, but it's called 'when i'm old i shall wear purple'...
in my mind, i've always thought that means that at a certain age, we stop caring what others think, we've paid our dues, we're old, we can do what we want, like wear purple, it's such a young color, vibrant and full of energy.
if i'm there already, i'm wearing some damn purple, and i'm break dancin if i want to, and i'm refusing to explain myself to anyone, if they ask :)  haha!
music for me is life and love and everything!
so, yeah, we were the oldest people in that bar, that night.
but we danced, we sang, and we lived.
that's what it's all about.
living.

the light i have...

so, yeah...
i've literally been sitting in front of my computer this morn for quite a bit of time, just staring at it, wondering when i will begin to type the words that are in my head.
and just a second ago, i thought to myself, 'man, i had such good ideas in the middle of the night, why didn't i write them then?'...
yep...
really great question!  haha!
but...oh, well.
so, here i am, in a serious block of letters and words.
hmmmmmmmmmm...
thing is...on these blog posts...mostly i just sit and write whatever comes to my mind...
i like it to work sort of organically, without thought of preparation, no rough drafts, just simple and easy, let it go, kind of writing.
funny thing is, even that seems to be hard to do.
just let go...and let whatever pops up, pop up.
yeah, normally, that's exactly how i work it.
but it's funny how the mind works...somedays i sit frozen, unsure of anything...and others...it rolls right off my hands and into this lil laptop.
so in essence, there are days that i create my own writer's block...haha!
wondering...'what am i gonna write!'
instead of just doing it...just writing.
i come across a zillion stories to write about when i'm not sitting in front of my computer...but then when i do sit, sometimes a zillion turns into an absolute zero.  crazy, yeah! 
i guess life is kinda that way too sometimes, eh?
lately i've caught myself wondering about the point of this whole deal...this life thing...
yes...i'll admit...it's a constant for me...i don't know about you...but i'm always sorta wondering where it's all going.
i think, 'okay, so, here i am...now what?'
hahaha!
right?!
so, many things i still want to do.
and then there's time, right?
will we have the time to do all that?
geeeeeeeeeeez!
am i doing this right...am i makin the right decisions?
good lord, the list is endless!
i've realized that there's no comparing my life to anyone else's...
my body to anyone else's...
my beliefs to anyone else's...
my feelings to anyone else's...
cuz, admittedly so, my feelings run rampant on certain occasions and on certain subjects.
so, pretty much...what we feel, think, want, and are...well, they're totally just ours...nobody else's.
you know when they say, 'walk a mile in another man's shoes'?
it is an extreme effort to do it, but we must do it.
otherwise, we may never understand another man's plight.
and well, that's what we're doing here, eh?
co-existing...sometimes :)  haha!
a couple different things happened to me at work recently that made me think a little bit...about perception...about how we make assumptions on other people's lives and actions, thinkin we know where they're coming from or who they are, based on our assumptions, which are based on our own experiences, not theirs.
now, mind you, i have the job of a lowly cart and bag attendant...those of us that do this job, are sort of laborers of a different sort...you still have to take care of people and be good at dealing with the in's and out's of the service industry...but we also, sling hefty bags, clean fitthy carts, and wipe down dirt ridden golf clubs...all in the hopes of someone handing you a few bills.
if they don't hand you a few bills, well, i can't speak for everyone, but i'm always a lil unsure of the soul of the person that i'm taking care of...hahaha!
but that's neither here nor there.
anyways...the story goes like this...
there are certain days at the sling that you clock in, and basically, do not stop moving and slinging til you clock out...
on days like this, you know in the back of your mind that you'll make some green, and you try to tell yourself that the green is worth the strain.  and mostly, it is.
because i know, after all, that i'm lucky that i'm a 45 year old woman that can still sling with kids, 20 to 30 years younger than me, and walk out with a wad of cash in my pocket.
i try not to think about the fact that i'm doing a monkey's labor, but the fact that i still like doing the monkey's labor.  haha!
so, during one of these days of slingfest central, one of my older gentlemen members, proceeds to hand me 4 dimes and 2 nickels, telling me that's all he has that day.
i'm not gonna lie to you...i'm always a lil offended when anyone hands me change.  and this day was no different.  haha!  i looked at him and told him it was okay, and tried to hand him the change back...but he insisted that he wanted me to have it.  haha!
as i walked away, i walked by our counter space, and put it there as to not have it jingling away in my pocket the rest of that day, because i was in the midst of getting my back side handed to me, and the reminder of that incident would just get to me, eventually.
like, here i am, and this is all i'm worth...50 cents...wowzers!
after things slowed down, i grabbed the change and took it to one of the guys inside the pro shop, and gave it to him, and told him that i wanted him to feel as special as i felt when i got it. 
yeah...that wasn't nice of me at all...i know.
just then i realized when i had told someone else about it, that 50 cents to some people, is a big deal...and to that man, he was trying to give me something...the last bit of what he had that day, because he didn't want to walk away not giving me anything.
instead i was just pissed off and maybe feeling a lil pissed on, i can't lie.  haha!
thing is...
back in his day...that would have gotten him into a movie and bought him a coke...most likely.
so, if i would have looked at it that way, maybe i'd have felt a lil less disreguarded for my services, than i had as i walked away from him. (let me also just interject a lil other thought...believe me, this doesn't happen often, the 50 cents thing, if it did, i wouldn't be able to actually survive, so i'm not at all saying that i'd be fine with 50 cents always...i am after all, trying to eat and pay rent...don't want anyone thinkin i'm some sort of angel that's okay with nothin...just thought i'd make that clear)
the thing is this...there are some days...when you're serving others, that it's easy to become jaded towards what people have and how they treat you...how it makes you feel...
but more importantly, how you let it make you feel.
deep down, for me, i know that doing this job that i do, isn't anything spectacular...that i'm not doing anything amazing with my life...i'm not striving for the best i can be...
but...
that's my choice...
that is not in any way, the choice of that person, giving me 50 cent's...
i am here, doing what i do, because i like it...i love golf...i love being outside...and most of the time, i love people, interacting with them...and yeah, amazingly so, being a part of their lives, somehow.
even if it is, just cart and bagging at a golf course.
i read somewhere one time, that whatever you do, you should do it well, and you can make a difference no matter where you are or what job you have.
i do feel as if that we can have a positive affect on other's lives no matter the career...that if you come from a place of kindness and love and thoughtfulness, that anything is possible.
and that most definitely, we all come from different places and perspectives...but that shouldn't ever get in the way of how we treat each other.
i, for one, have to remind myself quite often of this, because when you do serve the general public, it is too easy to walk away, feeling quite small or lackluster, because of what i do, but maybe it should be just as easy to walk in kindness, and just share some form of goodness that lies inside of you.
so, instead of jumping at the chance to be pissed or offended...i could jump at the chance at being different and being understanding.
that whole thought of taking a breath and counting backwards from 10, well, that might be a good thought, when coming across something that makes us naturally react.
in life it seems too easy to fight, rather than to listen and learn.
i came across this quote the other day, and maybe it is the perfect finish to this story of life...

"i am not bound to win,
i am not bound to be true,
i am not bound to succeed,
but i am bound to live up to the light i have."
~abraham lincoln

bound to live up to the light i have.
hmmmmmmmmmmm...
i like that...i like it loads and loads.
maybe we should all be so lucky to live up to that light.
i guess that choice is ours.
to live up to our own light.
yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

growing up...

the other day, i was havin a conversation with a friend, and i was saying how i was growing up, and learning...
was kinda funny...
being i'm 45, and still not grown up in so many ways.
haha!
but, oh, well, right?
i've decided that growing up isn't all it's cracked up to be on some certain occasions.
yes...it is cool to be able to do what you want.
yep...totally.
bills...hmmmmmmmmmm...not so cool...but then again, i always feel a sense of satisfaction when i can pay them...
that's always nice.
there's even a truly goofy part of me that loves to look in my fridge or cupboard, after i've gone grocery shopping, and look at my food.
yeahhhhhhhh, for some reason, that makes me feel good too.
just knowing that i have food. that's a big thing for me.
but then again, i just love grocery stores...there's something about them that makes me feel safe and happy...weird, i know...but it's something i've learned about myself.
i know what you're thinking, you're wondering what in the world a grown woman is thinking when she has a sense of satisfaction at the most common of things of being a grown up?
and to explain that...wow...there would be a whole lot of things, you'd have to know about me.
things you probably wouldn't want to know.  haha!
my thought though today...well...it's a pretty simple thought, as most of my thoughts are, i have to admit :)
i guess i figure in this ever changing world, we have to sort of stay on our toes, and learn the things that drive us...
the things that don't work for us at all...
the things that hurt us...
the things that make us feel joy...
the things that make us nervous, in good ways and bad ways...
it's these things that we should pay attention to.
in order somehow survive and learn and grow.
i'll be the first to admit though that this whole process can be a painful one.
a really painful one.
but i guess the cool part of that is that some days, i'm just rolling along, and i run into to something that i've seen before, and just then, i know what to do, and what i want.
that's when i realize that i have learned something.
but here's the thing...every situation that we encounter is different, right? 
and supposedly, if we let too much of our past rule how we make decisions now, we won't have an open mind to what's actually happening...we won't see things for what they are, if we live off the past.
it's a fine line to tread...
and i'm trying as i might, not to be jaded by things that have happened to me before.
gosh...that's when this being grown up thing is for the birds, eh?  haha!
decisions, decisions, decisions.
bargh!
haha!
the lucky thing in my life is though, that i haven't had to make huge decisions like most of my counterparts.
it's what comes with the fact that my life is pretty damn simple.
and i have not a whole lot of ownership of things in this world...truly, i don't.
i do find that sometimes, when others are having conversation with me about these kinds of things, that they look at me as if i could not possibly know where they are coming from, being that i do live this life of simplicity.
i can honestly say that there have been times that i've been offended by this...
being talked to as if i wasn't a pertinent member of society,
just because i have chosen this lifestyle.
thing is though...we're all living here, experiencing things...at the same time...
just down the street from each other.
and yes, they are different levels of stress...
and we all deal with it differently as well.
we all feel failure and hurt and dissapointment.
i think that maybe if we could just see that in each other and know that it's all important...
maybe there would be some common ground between the haves and the have nots.
i'm looking at this as i type, and it's not actually what i had woken up to write...
but it's what's coming out of me, so, obviously, it might be what's on my mind.
seeing eye to eye with another living soul is something to strive for in this life time.
to try and understand someone else's plight, even if it's not your own.
i think that could be a way to end a lot of the pain of growing up.
it's taken me a long time to get to this place in my life,
where there is satisfaction in the smallest of things.
for me, i live in a pretty small way, really.
i get up...i have coffee...i work out...i go to work...
and then...a whole lot of small things in between, that make my life what it is.
i know that there's more...and as i grow and as i learn...i'm tryin to figure out what other small things i'd like to add to the mix of my life.
now, i have to tell you, i have no idea if that means at all that i'm growing up.
haha!
but that being said...i've found myself as of late, understanding a lil more...and trying to make decisions according to what's good for me and what's not.
this, my friends, has taken me a long long time to get to.
yes, i may be a slow learner...and quite immature in a numerous amount of ways.
but...
and this is a big but...(yeah, i said big but...haha!)
every once in awhile i notice myself doing something that i haven't done before, and i realize, 'holy shit, i am learning!'
for me...i don't know about you...
i'm pretty stoked, elated, and jazzed up, when i know i've actually moved forward and figured one little thing out.
so, yeah, for me...baby steps...that's my ticket.
maybe the secret in life is to figure out what our ticket is to growing and learning.
and just go with that.
it may not look at all like the person next to you...
but the funny part about that is...sometimes all those different ways of growing up, take us to the exact same place as the guy next to us.

"could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other's eyes for an instant?"
~from 'walden' by henry david thoreau~

being ridiculous...

well, here we are...
just a few days from the new year, and it happens to be a lil over 2 months since i've sat myself down to write on this here, HFD blog site of mine.
lazy right?
yeah, i'd say so!
it's funny, this mornin, when i got up, i thought, 'okay, honey, you're gonna write today'...
and i proceeded to find lil things to do in my apartment...ridiculous! 
i am ridiculous!  haha!
i recall several years ago, this girl i was havin a drink with at a local bar, tellin me, just that...
that i was ridiculous...hahahhahaha!
i can't lie to you, after she said it the third or fourth time, i was over it, and wanted to tell her off...
but...
the more i think about it, the more i know it's true :)  haha!
the actual reason she was telling me i was ridiculous is because of my thoughts of love and of not giving up on people.
so, yeah...in that sense...i'm definitely ridiculous...without a doubt!
haha!
was thinkin as i was doing my dishes this morning, and avoiding writing, about all of the things that i've written about as of late...
and i'm thinkin, yeah, most of them have been love related, family related, dream related, or faith & hope related...
which in a sense, all fall back to love...
love, love, love.
geeeeeeeeeeeeez!
makes you wonder...what is wrong with me, right?!  haha!
yeah,  i wonder the same thing, believe me.
but here's my thought...
you know how at the end of a year, everyone sits down and thinks about what they want to change...
and how they're gonna make that happen...
about lists and goals...
all of that.
yeah...i think i've written about that as well...
and it's what i do too.
looking back on this year...wow...it's been some kind of year.
i've been on a few trips...fallen for a couple girls...danced a lot...toasted here and there to fun nights...sweated grossly to loads of spin and yoga...boogie boarded many of the summer days...laughed and talked my way into the night...and some of the mornings :)  haha!
i wouldn't change a thing...really!  i wouldn't!
i know though, that life must continue to go on...
that we must continue to learn...to seek...to make mistakes (as for me, crazy amounts of them, it seems! haha!)
i was talking to one of the kids i work with the other day...and we spoke of the life long search...the search that doesn't seem to ever end...
and we were figuring, that if you stop searching, then maybe you're not learning.
and when you're not learning, you're standing still.
as i see it, i feel as if, since i graduated from college...way back when...i've been searching non-stop for what it is that i should do with my life, where i fit in, what makes me happy, who are the people that make my life better...
all of those questions...they've been answered...partly...
but then more grow from there...
that's the funny thing about life, eh?
we can stand still for a few moments...
look at the view...
but then...we just have to keep moving...keep walking forward...
and sometimes run.  yep...even slow, like me.
haha!
i think that maybe i'll never know some of it...
but i know i'll feel it.
what it feels like to be happy in a moment.
      to know that i fit in, here and there.
              to know what love is...wherever it comes from.
                        to laugh with my family.
                                to laugh at myself.
                                           to feel absolutely high as kite without a drug inside of me.
i know this because my search for everything...
            is never-ending.
so, at this point in my life...i'm 45 years old.
i forget that as soon as i hear music...haha!  and raise my hands in the air, and start dancing.
i don't seem to notice it when i'm flying through a spin class or in a tree pose in yoga.
i absolutely feel like a child when the waves are carrying me through til i hit the sand.
yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
the truth is...
who cares?!
life will always be what you make of it.
always.
i pledge to keep seeking...to keep falling in love...to keep growing...to keep reading...and to keep living...
i'm figuring...
if i do all that...well...who knows what will happen...what will come along?
and who will come along to teach me?
i don't know...
but am looking foward to seeing!
so, with all of that...
i say to you...
here's to another year...
of everything! 
and another year of being absolutely ridiculous :)

"i thank you God for this most amazing day:
for the leaping greenly spirits of trees and a blue true dream of sky:
and for everything which is natural which is infinite which is yes..."
~e.e. cummings~

strangers...

once again, i've decided to work from my beach steps... it's the coolest, crispest mornin we've had so far this year, and the ocean is beautiful and welcoming... the sun was rising just as i was walkin up my steps... perfection, i have to say :) today, i come to you, a person that has no idea, but is full of wonder and amazement about life, and the reasons that things happen the way they do. i have just returned from a trip to puerto rico, my birthplace, and my mom's country of origin. you know, i try to describe it to people that haven't been there, and it's so hard to explain the feelin you get when you go there. or, at least, when i go there. the difference of life, culture, and view is somethin that is palpable when you're there. i smile, just thinkin of it, just like anythin or anyone you love, you just can't help but smile when thinkin of it. that's how i feel about puerto rico. a smile on my face :) so, here's the story... and my purpose for writing this mornin is to work through the funny shit that's truly unexplainable about life... our first day, our flight, or maybe i should say flights, were delayed several times, that we didn't make it to la isla de encanta til 10 at night, missin our first day there...but during this wait we had interactions with several different passengers, tryin to make it there as well... one of them had randomly told me that he was goin to my mom's hometown, and we talked about the fact that we were goin to the same place. it's funny how complete strangers count on each other for support and hope that maybe we'll make it there...haha...but we did... so, fast forward to the next day, we're in my mom's hometown, goin to grab a drink after a day of lounging and hanging out...when we were parking, i made a joke, saying, 'hey, wouldn't that be funny, if that guy from the plane was here, when we walk in?'... and i'm guessing you can guess what happened...he was there! hahhahahhaha! my mom and i screamed out together, like he was a dear old friend. he ended up sitting with us for a couple of hours/drinks, and as it turns out, lives in a town nearby us in florida...and we even know a few of the same people. crazy! we exchanged numbers, and as i walked away, thought to myself, 'how insane and random life can be'...almost like this guy was placed in that exact spot for us to meet him. wow. okay, so now let's backtrack...when we finally made it on our flight to pr from miami, we were seated on the absolute last row...one seat open next to me...a girl ended up sitting there that had talked to my mom in the line for check in...she was young, looked like a student...and as i quietly looked over to what she was reading, i noticed it was in spanish, and she had her pen and highlighter out, markin up her book like crazy. i assumed she was a student, and at a certain point, i asked her if her book was good...from that moment, we talked the rest of the way to san juan...turns out she had just run the chicago marathon, so, that, of course, sent our conversation in many directions...we had loads in common...and it was genuinely a truly lovely and fun conversation. and my assumption of being a student wasn't correct, by the way, she just reads like that, which was another great reason to talk to her, i knew as soon as she said that, that we were kindred spirits. i ended up giving her my blog address and told her to check it out. fast forward... when i made it home, i jumped on my blogsite, and noticed i had a new member... yep...it was her...even a nice comment at the end of my most recent posting. it made me happy to see...a complete stranger, goin out of their way for you. makes me know that in this world, there is still kindness and general interest in communion of spirit. which brings me to my last day in puerto rico, my aunt drops me off at the airport, and i walk in, begrudgingly wishin i had a lil more time to do a couple more things in my beloved puerto rico... but, at the same time, knowing my time was just as it should be...full. of everything possible, most definitely, because when i go there, it's not a touristy type visit, it's a visit of family, of love, and of life...lots of life and laughter :) so, i made my way to the gate, and waited to board...during this sit, i listened to the conversation of the young people next to me...it was pretty hilarious, and it gave me entertainment for the wait. i don't know about you guys, but i have to admit, i'm like 'big brother' when i'm at a restaurant, or bar, or in public, generally, listening in randomly to people's conversations...i can't lie, it's quite fun and interesting...and sometimes, makes me realize how connected and similar we all are. anyways, it was time to board, and as i walked down the aisle, i wondered, 'who will be next to me?'...and as soon as i sat down, the lady the i had to sit next to, began with, 'would you like a piece of gum?'... out of sheer habit, i took it, but then thought to myself, 'i hope this lady's not crazy and has drugged this lil chiclet that i'm shoving into my mouth'...hahhahahhaha...but shoved it, i did :) as i pulled out my book, she looked over and asked it what it was... and here we go... the trip was 2 and a half hours...and there wasn't a silent moment. i can't begin to explain to you the conversation that we had... but long story, short...it was like the twilight zone...i kept thinkin, how is this possible that this woman is sitting next to me, speakin of the exact things that i needed to hear in this moment in my life? the subjects spanned from finances, to dreams, to love, and to faith... she was insanely passionate about life, and for some reason, kept telling me that she could tell that i could do all these things that i've dreamed of, and what was i waiting for... like this absolute stranger believed in me, more than i believed in myself... god, i gotta tell ya, as she spoke to me, i was taken aback by the fact that what she said was all too true...i wasn't sure what to think, honestly, but was thankful and scared, all at the same time... like where the hell did this woman come from?! hahahhahhaha! i walked off the plane, a lil bit dazed, and told my dad of the conversation that i had just had with this woman, and he quickly agreed that the woman was right. so, there you go... 3 strangers on a trip to see people i've known all of my life... and yet...they made all of the difference on this lil vacation i was luckily given. it does make me wonder about how people come into our lives... and how it seems that sometimes it feels like perfect timing... that it is all happening for a reason...that nothin is a mistake. i'm astounded by this more often than not...but in my recent days, i can't even begin to explain to you how often i think that. wow wow wow... life is surely a mystery! but what an intersting mystery it is :) so, i guess what i'm saying is pay attention...be aware...cuz honestly, crazy shit is goin on all around us...amazing stuff! funny stuff! stuff worth writing about...stuff worth thinking about...life is right in front of our faces, rollin by, askin us to come along... go with it... live it... love it... because after all, it's our one and only life to live. laugh, love, live, eat, drink, be merry, run, walk, sprint...but go there...it's all yours... people come and go... and maybe they do, to remind you of what you're missing or maybe where you need to be going. i fear of a lot in life...but here's the thing i keep learning...that holding onto these fears i have, it only gets in the way of living. it takes away the juice that life is so full of... as for me, i don't want to let that fear have even a drop of my juice of life. screw that... keep fighting, my friends...and live :)