FTS...

so, yes, it seems it has been awhile...
I don't really have a good reason...
except to say...
well...
I was living my life...
sometimes it gets away from me...
but i'm just gonna jump right in here and say what I need to say...
"fuck that shit"
okay, okay, okay...
yes, I do realize perhaps its not the way to start a blog after a long absence, but maybe I should go back a little and explain myself...
how bout that?
in this passed year I've seen a lot happen, a lot has happened to me, and well, I guess I've felt a lot.
I don't know about you guys, but I know for me, i'm constantly questioning and thinking and contemplating where it is I even belong in this life...
what am I doing?
     where am I going?
          who am I?
                    and if I know where i'm going, what is the best route to get there?
it's these daily questions that sometimes leave me totally and utterly frustrated, and mostly sleepless, I can't lie...
there have been many days in this year that has passed us by that I've wondered if I am enough...
     enough to fight for...
            enough to take a chance on...
                    enough to succeed (my version of success, of course, is totally not enough either, I might
                                                           add...haha)
                                and enough to love.
yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
a lot of freaking questions!
but here's the thing...
and it's no small thing either...it's the biggest thing I do know...
at the end of every single day, i'm hoping that I've made some kind of impact on somebody that I've come across...
I hope also to do a good job, wherever i'm working.
      I hope to be a good daughter and sister.
               I hope to be a thoughtful, kind, and loving person in general.
                        and when it comes to love, I hope to love bigger, stronger, and wilder, without regard
                                    or regret.
these are the most simple things in life, truly.
and yes, I fail at each one of them, sometimes all at the same time, sometimes individually, but each day that the sun comes up, I make strides to do it all over again.
to live and to learn and to grow.
it's funny because writing this blog, I have repeated myself like crazy.
it's almost as if it is my mantra.
to be a broken record sometimes just means you stand for something...that you believe in something.
this passed year I've discovered so many things about myself and what I want and what I need.
during that I've tried to be as introspective as possible without falling completely apart, because let's just say, if we look deep inside of ourselves and we don't necessarily love what we see, we have to somehow take it all in, regroup, and rebuild to the best version of ourselves possible.
now, of course, that doesn't mean constant success and rainbows and stars, but it does mean that there are days that you think, 'holy shit, I see something great here, and maybe that's me!'
haha!
or then again...'epic fail, that's definitely me!'  haha!
but either way...dusting off and giving it a go each time you get pummeled to the ground (yes, I've been watching a lot of 'Friday night lights' lately...haha!), now there's something to be said for trying trying trying...
a lot actually.
I admittedly give myself a good talking to many days when i'm on what I like to call my 'rock walk'.
it's a lil 45 minute jaunt that has pretty much saved my head and heart this year.
I do completely believe in the power of positive thinking, and what's in our heads can totally decide what ends up happening to the rest of our body during our days out there, in the jungle of the so called real world.
I would totally recommend havin your own version of a 'rock walk' in your lives.  it gets all the frustrations of life out, and if you can, make it outdoors so you can see what's around you and how damn beautiful it is to be alive.
it's the shizzzzzzzzzzzznet!  :)
so, here's where I do finally explain 'fuck that shit'.
sorry, mom, by the way, I know you hate that language, but I do love you...just sayin.
during my walks I go through what i'm struggling with that day or I vent or I try and just pump myself up...
because, well, we all need to be pumped up to survive this deal.
I try and recognize that what I want in life is to be full...is to be alive...is to be high in life...is to be courageous...is to be fearless...
and the only possible way to do that is to be vulnerable...
walls down, no guard up, and relentless...
the only way to fully know how it feels is to not be afraid to be smashed flat.
the end game, I guess you'd say is that I want to live.
and part of putting yourself completely out there, is to know that you could very easily fail in the biggest of ways, but you do it anyway because you have to see and you have to know and you have to feel.
what is life for except for living?????????????????
I think each of us may have different paths and wants and needs in this life (things to work on, god knows I do) and it's up to us to figure those things/priorities/desires/necessities...
but...
maybe we should all just try and live the best we can, to the best of our abilities, and learn every time that we stumble and fall, that the only way to apply all of that learning, is to get the hell back up, and keep moving forward.
so, yep to all of that, I say...fuck that shit :)
go for the things you want, say what you need to say, and love right out loud and in person.
in other words...live live live!!!!!!!!!!!

"life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "wow! what a ride!"
~hunter s. Thompson~

just around the corner...

just around the corner...
Christmas...
and a brand spanking new year...
wow...
the older I get, the quicker it all seems to go by...
when you're young...
you constantly hear that lil line...
and you shove it off, and laugh, thinkin, 'those oldsters, they don't know anything'...
yep...
they kinda do...
and hell...
I am now probably, by many, considered one of the oldsters...
haha...
well...for sure by the people that I work with...
they're all, just young guys between the ages of 18 and 30...
days gone by for me.
oh well...
i'm realizing more and more how lil that age number matters.
funny enough, I still think i'm around 27 or so...
especially when I hear my favorite song on the radio or Pandora...
automatically, there's loud singing and most likely some dancing happening, depending on the song...
yes, mam, there is...
music...yep...it's part of your soul...it's part of your heart.
I also get that feelin of youth when playin just about anything...
all the world around you, all your problems, all those damn stresses of life, just fall away, like crumbling cookies when you've ransacked the that hallowed jar of oreo's or figgies...
yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
that feeling that all is right in the world.
all that shit we worry over...
the bills...work...goals...relationships...family...money...love...health...
or lack there-of...to all of it.
when you're in the midst of that song...or are running down a Frisbee, catching it behind your back...hittin the perfect drive down the fairway...spinnin as hard and as fast as you can...
all of those things...those worries...those problems...
they just fall away, if only for those instant moments.
god, those moments are so damn nice...
when you forget it all.
and just live.
simple and easy.
it's what life is meant to be, but somehow, and some way, we tend to make it so much harder than it needs to be.
whether it be by trying too hard, thinking too much, or just not knowing how to let go.
it should definitely be more simple.
the cool thing about all of it is that even during those moments that we are having difficulty, with whatever it is, that it only lasts a certain amount of time.
it is just temporary.  bad and good.
we can survive.
we will make it through.
the sun comes up every day.
every damn day. (well, except today...being it rained most of it...but you get the gist)
and the moon has soooooooooooooooooooooo many phases.
one of my absolute favorite parts of nature and of life...those phases...yep.
it kinda makes you know that life is moving forward...always...
and no matter what we do or don't do...it will continue to move forward.
we can try and stand still and hold out for whatever it is we are waiting for...
but whether we like it or not...life keeps rolling....and we have to keep walkin with it.
the truth of all of that is...from where I stand...life is good.
it may not be understandable somedays...a lot of days, for that matter...
but that in no way means we should stop tryin to figure it out and maybe try and understand as much as we can.
learning and growing should never cease, no matter our age.
it's kinda part of the beauty of life as well...
seeing stuff  we've never seen...feeling things we didn't know possible...learning something when we thought we knew all there is to know...knowing ourselves more deeply and more genuinely than we ever thought we'd want to...and letting ourselves be vulnerable when the fear of losing it all is almost something you can taste, but you do it anyway.
yes...that is something more beautiful than any words I can type on this page.
I've decided that there are so many more possibilities in this life time that even at this moment, we don't know them, but they will come to us, like a breeze or a flash of lightning or a raindrop (something that simple, but that complex can change your life in an instant)...
and there we are...
in the midst of it...
it's our choice at that moment...
to go with it and see what can become...
or run like hell, the other way to something safe, away from danger, fear, and hurt.
i'd like to think that one day, i'll be less fearful of that flash...
that maybe i'll stand firmly and say, 'bring it on, i'm ready, I can take it'...
so, here's my thought...
maybe in this new year, we can hang up those running shoes (proverbial running shoes, of course...because as we know, exercise, well, it's an essential part of life and love and the pursuits of happiness...and i'm not joking at all about that...haha)...
but yes, hang them up...maybe throw on some spikes or cleats, and dig in...
and face that shit, head on...
slap our fucking fears in the face and watch them cry.
I, for one, am exhausted at the amount of things I worry over, I think about obsessively, and run from constantly.  screw that.
let's stand up and say, 'whatever it is you've got, i'm way bigger, and I can take you'...
as those youngsters say...like a boss ;)

dream dream dream...

i'm just gonna jump right in...
not to waste time...
because lately it seems, I've wasted a lot...
and maybe i'm learnin that life shouldn't be wasted...
ever...
so, come along with me on this lil journey of a blog I've got goin on...
today, as many other days as of late, I went on a walk to my pier...
mostly I've been doing it without music, but today I decided I needed some tune-age...
it was a pretty great walk...I popped my ipod on shuffle and just listened to whatever came up...
this day was sorta strangely beautiful actually...it didn't seem like it would be, until I walked over the dunes, and looked out at the ocean, and it was smooth but wavey, and the seagulls were just havin a good time, and the light from the sun, made it all seem so unreal...like it wasn't really happening...like it was a computer screen at the highest pixel setting ever...clear but cloudy...
very weird...but way cool, I can't lie...
I kept walking and lookin over at it, thinkin to myself, 'wow, are you real?!'...haha!  and yes, I did laugh right out loud, thinkin how cool it was :)
anyways, these are some of the thoughts that came to me while I walked...
because I don't know about you, but when I walk outdoors, there's something that happens inside of me, that makes me contemplate just about everything...from where my life is going or not, to how I want to live, to how I want to love, to what my day in general is going to be like or maybe has been already...
basically, I solve all of my problems or at least think them all out, whilst on my walkin adventures...
there's just something about a walk outdoors.
and admittedly so, I do talk out loud to myself...I've been caught a time or two, which always makes me laugh...but honestly, sometimes just like reading something amazing, when its done out loud, it seems more real or more concrete if it is out loud.
call me strange...yes, that's fine...but hey, to each his own right?  right :)
so, I was thinking about a conversation I had with a friend the other day about finding sharks teeth, and she said that this guy that she knows was telling her that the mistake a lot of people make while hunting for them is that they aren't looking for the big ones...that they are missing out on them because they're thinkin too small...
well...
that sort of made me think about that in life terms today, while I was walking...I wasn't looking for sharks teeth, nope...but I was thinkin about how all of us think too small sometimes...
that our expectations are so small or non-existent, that that's exactly what we get, small things or nothing at all...
and then we wonder why it is that the other guy next to us, has such big things...(and no, I'm not talkin material things necessarily)
that maybe in order to do these big things or get what we dream of, we need to start dreaming bigger, expecting more, strive for more, I guess this list could go on and on...
but you get the gist...
maybe one of the problems is that we're afraid to dream too big, because then we'll be let down when and if it doesn't happen...
but shit shit shit...isn't that all part of life?!
believe me, I've had many people tell me that old quote, 'if you don't have any expectations, you won't be let down'...
truth is...I totally think that's bullshit too...yes, you can believe what you want to believe, but to me, there's always expectation, and if you don't have any expectations, then the bar is pretty damn low...
and who are we, if we set the bar low?????!!!!!!
nothing and nobody, that's who we are...
I don't know about you...but fuck that...I don't want to be nobody or nothing...
not in the fucking least! 
so, here's a thought for the day...
you know how they say, put what you want out in the universe, and it will present itself to you...
whether you pray to God, whether you dream, whether it's Buddha, or whether it's cagney and lacey who is your higher power...
whatever it is...
believe in it...do it...and dream bigger!!!!!!!!!!
in the last couple years I have seen oh so many things come to light, that I've put out there...and have been so astounded by the fact that all I did was say it outloud that it's what I wanted...
a few times it has actually brought me to tears by the surprise of it all...
I've got to say though, that there are times that I know without a doubt that I've sold myself short, whether it be not dreaming big enough, or taking whatever I get (which there is an art to the gratitude of that as well, being happy with what you have, which make no mistake, I am very grateful and lucky to be where I am and to be who I am and have what I have)...
my life is very simple...
and many people say to me how envious they are of this life...
I like it simple...
but I think too, that, well, it's as simple as it is because I've tamed my dreams throughout the years because of the fear of failure of not being good enough to reach that dream...
that, in and of itself, is a failure...
not dreaming...
pshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhht...there's no excuse for that...
we're never too old to dream.
never.
ever.
so go...
dream big...
why not?
what in the world would life be like without dreams?  what would this world be like without dreams?! 
don't be afraid...
fear gets in the way of wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too many things in our lives...
let's make a pact, to just not let it be...
dreaming brings color and texture to life...
and if you live it...
then it will bring life to life...yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
dream, my friends, dream.

"impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they've been given than explore the power they have to change it.  impossible is not a fact.  it's an opinion.  impossible is not a declaration.  it's a dare.  impossible is potential.  impossible is temporary.  impossible is nothing."  ~Muhammad ali~

sliding and growing...

middle of august...
wow!
I can't believe it's here!
knowin that pro football pre-season is happenin means many things...
that basically, summer is slowly make it's way out the door...
noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...
durin the winter months I always long for those salty, lazy beach days...
ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yessssssssssssssss...
another school year starts, and most of my friends have to get back on track and on schedule for kids and things...
which makes the weekends even more longed for...
even if i'm still a service girl...so that's never a sure thing, if you know what I mean.
anyways...yep...here we are, mid-august...
and here I am, still in deep thought of the next best thing that will happen in my life...
something that I must make happen.
gosh, I gotta tell ya...I have no idea some days what i'm doin, and i'm quite sure that it shows most days...haha!
the even funnier part of that is that it's bothering me less and less.
or maybe that's not so funny in some ways...
which brings me to something that happened to me the other day that made me think of my life and how it is and where i'm going (which I can't lie, i'm not goin many places, honestly, just where i'm lead, I guess, which i'm learnin as I get older, isn't such a bad thing)
I was out with a couple friends the other night at a local spot, just havin a couple brews and catching up, when I ran into a friend that I hadn't seen in quite awhile...
we traded hello's and how are things, and he walked away...
but later he came back with his girlfriend.
she's this really amazing person...full of vim and vigor...intelligent...go getter...and always completely great conversation can be had with this girl...very very cool.
so, basically, we begin catching up, and somehow get on the subject of life and where it's leading.
at one point, she stops and just asks me...'what are your goals, honey?'
I possibly looked like a deer in the headlights...no lie...I got really quiet and then I looked at her and sort of laughed a bit out loud, and nothing came out of my mouth that made any sense...
at all.
haha!
I mean, I just sat there, and stumbled through an explanation of how I felt about life.
right now.
that my goals were more simple than what they used to be.
and probably a lot smaller too.
I felt myself begin to feel as small as what my goals seem to be these days, sittin there, on that stool in that local joint, music playin in the background, people cheering for whatever team they were watching on the multitude of TV's.
yeah...
there I was...
without a goal.
she looked at me, and told me, it's never too late to start, that right now might be the perfect time in my life to start going for things and changing my life around.
we finished our conversation, said our goodbyes and went on our separate ways.
I woke up the next morning, and headed to work, all the while, feelin this naggin sensation that I had no goals.
one of waking thoughts that morning was, 'holy shit, i'm a loser, I have no real goals anymore'...
yeah...not the best way to start the day...haha...
but here's the thing, and there's always a thing right?  yeah, there is...
thinkin all of this through, I do realize a few things about who I am and why i'm the way I am...
and they might not truly be things I should admit out loud...
but for the sake of being honest, which is one of the reasons I write this blog, is to share and maybe make others know that maybe they're not alone...
and yes, I do know that there are days that we all feel very alone...trust me, I do.
as I've gotten older my goals have changed drastically...most definitely.
and through the search of tryin to live more simply, I've simplified what I actually need.
these things are small.
food, shelter, family, and friends.
I look at this list.
and I have it all.
literally.
I couldn't be any luckier.
honestly.
I type this with a tears in my eyes, because I've finally come to this point in my life, that I don't need to lie to myself or anyone else about who I am and about where I'm going or where i'm not going.
I know that to the outside world I am just a bagslinger...I put tips in my pocket...and I live off them.
my goals somedays are just to work and to workout, and have a good day...have coffee...watch the sun rise...play something outside...and be kind (let me just say, i fail at this one somewhat often)...
yeah.
not changing the world.
true.
thinkin about how this part of me that used to dream about these things i would do or accomplish scares me a lil bit, after that conversation, because i don't know where that person went.
if she just quit or just rearranged her view on how life was gonna turn out.
because maybe i just gave up.
or maybe i'm just getting up each day and seeing where it leads me.
i don't know...i really don't.
i know there's more out there, i do.
i think the scariest part of that question is that maybe I've turned into this person that doesn't need more or isn't willin to go to great lengths to get there.
if anything, it's made me more aware that in certain parts of my life, I've not set the bar very high, I've just let it be and just moved on from there, and kinda let it go.
like it's a fact of life.
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
i'm not so sure that's how i need to see things, but right now, it's the way i do.
so, you see, one conversation, in a bar...
and here i am.
wondering what to do next.
but most importantly, without comparing myself to anyone else.
successes and failures.  they add up.
they bring us to the top and they take us down to the very bottom.
i have to believe that we're all here for different reasons...
reasons not everyone will understand or see.
but that makes no matter.
honestly, it doesn't.
i think the cool part of life, is that everyday we get to decide...
so yep, maybe i'll start adding a couple goals to my already awesomely loaded list.
one's that make me get out of my comfort zone...scare me a lil bit...and make me grow.
it's so easy to slide by...and forget that we have the power to change our lives...
but then again...
sliding is pretty damn fun too...
maybe a good balance of sliding and growing.
yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...could be key to life.
sliding and growing :)
well, that...and knowin who you are.

"the privilege of a lifetime is being who you are." ~joseph campbell~

things worth havin...

hello...
hola...
good morning...
and como estas?
yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
today, I decided i'd throw out something quickly...
because yes, there's a sling in my near future...
and well...it's not the sling i'm lookin forward to, but it's where I make the living that let's me live the life I do...
so, i'm just gonna go with it today...
and today, i'm writing, for the first time, in my new lil spot that I've concocted in my lil hovel of a place on this beautiful and restful north end of things...
the music today, is playing, and the music of choice is sara bareilles...
yep...
brave is starting off my blog today...
...I want to see you be brave...
I sorta love this song...
the thought of it...
the feeling of it...
and the dream of it...
I mean, seriously, right?
gosh, you guys, this life of ours...well, it's just full of choices isn't it?
so we choose, daily...
what we want, what we need, what we see our lives to be, and where we want to be.
it's a never ending cycle of choices...
of living...
and it's exactly that...
we should be living!  always!
we should be selfish in this choice sometimes...
because the more we live...the more others around us will live...
if you think no one is noticing your choices and your living...
you're wrong...you're totally wrong.
you, my friends, are an example and an inspiration, whether you know it or not...to everyone!
and sometimes...yep, sometimes,  you have to be your own inspiration.
you have to get up, look in that mirror of yours, and inspire!
yes, yes, yes...there will be mistakes, big and small, along the way...
but who cares...learn from them, and keep making them...
if you're not makin them, then you're not living.
the worst choice of all is to not make a choice.
to not walk out your door, fall into holes, jump fences, run like crazy, or stroll right through the middle of a dance or two, hell, maybe just lay right in the middle of the street and laugh about it...
I don't know what kind of sense anything makes sometimes.
but there are days, many of them maybe, that won't make sense, that we're not meant to understand, until we are meant to...
fall...and fall hard...
but get up and look around...
smile when things seem way too hard...cry when you just can't hold it in...
it's all okay.
because the truth is...
this is life.
the juice of it...is living...good...bad...easy...hard...crazy...sexy...passionate..
.fucked up...wild...funny...sad...lonely...astonishing...overwhelming...
playful...
without understanding...
annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd loving.
let your heart beat like it's coming out of your chest...
don't be scared...
the last few days I've come across a few pretty cool quotes that explain it all...
or maybe just make me feel better...
so, I thought i'd share them with you...
maybe they can inspire or show you something you need, somewhere in your lives...
one can only hope...
and sometimes, honestly, that's all there is to get you through the day...
hope...plain and simple.

"forget safety.
live where you fear to live.
destroy your reputation.
be notorious."  ~rumi~

"we do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us something is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch.
once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiousity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit."  ~e.e. Cummings~

so, with that...
I say...
believe...
in you.
be notorious.
if you want.
risk.
and find your spirit.
however you find it...
it will be worth it.
you are worth it.
last but not least...
be brave.

patience, child, patience....

so, here I am...
in my lil apartment...
Pandora playin softly...yep...brandi carlile station...soft and easy...
thinkin it may just be the way to write today...
soft and easy...hmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
well, as I sit here, there are so many things to say...
but, at the moment, i'm a bit unsure of where to start...
so, i'm gonna start by sayin...this past month...it's been a hard one...
but I've noticed through it all, and being aware of my surroundings... people, places, and things and such...
I've noticed a lot of commotion actually.
in the world...in this small town...in people's hearts...in life, in general.
it feels like sometimes, all of this searching can make you feel more lost than being lost.
haha!
there have been moments in this last month that I literally thought, maybe I was losing it, for real...but then right after that moment, these bits and pieces of clarity always seem to pop up...
not sure why it happens that way...
but maybe it's because hope is always around the corner.
something like that, I think.
at least, I think that's what I have to believe.
always lil signs poppin up here and there, right when you need them.
maybe it's life's lil way of keepin us alive, feelin like there's possibility in every breath, or sunshine after a hard storm...
oh, gosh, I don't even know...
but I can tell you this...life is so fucking full of surprises...it really is! 
if you don't believe me...start paying attention to things that happen around you...and what order they happen...and the things that you wish for out loud...
it's powerful...and if you're paying attention...you'll be insanely astounded by the machine of life itself...holy shit, for real! 
as low as things can seem to get...those highs...oooooooooowwwweeeeeeeeeeee...
there's nothing like them.
funny thing is, recently, I had a bout with back spasms...
as always, in life, it was just at the time that I thought, man, things suck right now...
but just then, I couldn't walk...getting out of bed took 10 minutes, to figure out somehow how to get to the bathroom was a pain like I can't explain...sweats and shakes to stand on my own two feet.
yep...these are the times, that one thinks...oh, man, I should have a room mate...hahahahaha!
so, when I thought it couldn't get worse in my heart...my body broke down...
so there I was, stuck in my bed for a couple days, literally...
stuck in my own thoughts about my life, at that moment...
there was no escape...at all! 
talk about havin to face your ghosts and demons...
nothing like being stuck in your room with no emergency escape route...wowzers!  haha!
the things you have taken for granted seem impossible, right there, in those very moments.
I found myself prayin that the next day I would be able to take only 5 minutes to get out of bed...hahahaha!  yeah, you begin to think it will never go away...
the thought of just rolling over without havin this jolting sensation down your legs and up your back...that's like a dream!
lookin back at that, the first morning I could actually get up without a lot of pain, I felt like the world had been given back to me...
I stretched and slowly got back to normal...whatever normal is...of course, all of you know very well, honey fucking deacon...i'll never be normal...ahaha!
not even possible!
but the thing is...wow...life hits you, just that way...
usually my back spasms come in one felled swoop...
this one was gradual...lil by lil it came to me...and knocked me right out.
point is...
it can be fast and hard...or it can a gradual process...
but it happens no matter what.
change happens...bad and good...whether we are ready for it, or not.
somehow I've been tryin to figure out how to just work my way through it, without losing who I am, and remembering that pain and joy are just temporary...
but they always come and go...
it's just that way.
with light there is always dark.
I guess it's all in the way we look at it too.
as human beings, we're all sort of afraid of the things we don't know or can't control.
but do we always need control?  I just don't know...I tend to think not.
I do know that, for me, sometimes, or maybe more than I am willing to admit, I like to have some sort of feeling of control...
and in some instances, we can have that.
we decide a lot of things for ourselves, in our own lives...
but all the stuff that is not ours, well, it's just not in our control.
hearts and minds and souls...they are free!
as for me...i'd like to live this life with love in mind.
I just want to...I feel like it's part of who I am.
saying this, doesn't make anything easier....that's the funny part, right?
so, maybe, I think, as much as we can, in our own lives, we just have to figure out for ourselves who we are, what we want, how we want to love, and how we want to live...
and mostly this happens as we go along, right there, in the moment, as we're living...
we're jumping, dodging, ducking, running, walking backwards, sprinting like hell, and sometimes even standing completely still, watching the moment overtake us.
that's the hard part isn't it?
knowing how to move...
or maybe just moving with the ebb and flow of it all...
hoping for some parts of it to hit home and make sense.
I think if we pay attention and listen to our hearts, we'll know more possibly, than any book or any opinion anyone else could ever do for us.
but most importantly...we have to just live through it.
feel all of the shit you feel.  see for yourself what it is. 
and don't be scared away.
we all have power to do anything we want and be who we want to be and love who we love...
it's not up to anyone else.
there are one million quotes, possibly two million, that say all the power that you need is already within you...
that may seem like a lot smoke, blowing up your ass...
but believe me...it's not.
we all have it.
so, maybe today and each day, take a look at yourself in the mirror, and know that you're the best friend you've got...be a good one.
decide what you want.
and do it.
i'll leave you with this quote I came across quite awhile back, but just came back to me recently, when I opened my lil quote book that I write in...here ya go...read it out loud...don't worry, no one is looking...but if they are...pshhhhhhhhhhhhhhht...who cares?!  ;)

"patience, child, patience.  remember, life is a journey.  if you got everything you wanted all at once there'd be no point to living.  enjoy the ride, and in the end you'll see these 'set backs' as giant leaps forward, only you couldn't see the bigger picture in the moment.  remain calm, all is within reach;  all you have to do is showup everyday, stay true to your path and you will surely find the treasure you seek." ~Jackson kiddard~

+'s

soooooooooooooooo, here I sit...
cup of chicory, steaming next to me...
the day is cloudy, damp, and wildly windy...for an april day in florida...
my washer churning away, washin off the week's sweat and tears...(I know what you're thinkin, it's only Wednesday, the week is only half way gone, but alas, i'm a slinger, the last six days have been chock full of slingin...yep yep...life of a service girl)
but...as it is my day off, and if I were telling the truth, right here, right now...
I could actually admit that it's okay that it's that way...
that sometimes a cloudy, dreary day is a welcomed day in sunny florida...
then as all of my friends and I agree with, you don't have to feel guilty about staying indoors and sprawlin out....right?!  righhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhht :)
because when that sun does choose to come out, and the waves are rolling in, the birds are chirping, bees are buzzing, breeze is blowing just enough....yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, those days, it's hard to stay in and feel okay about it.
you feel as if you should just jump on the closest bike and ride through your neighborhood, or ride downtown...
as if you should go to the beach and breathe all that salt air that you can...
as if eating outdoors is the only rational choice...
heck...there were days that I've been thinkin about recently, in Portland, that if the sun came out, i'd quickly walk out my door and just lean against my lil cube, close my eyes, and dream of warmth and sunlight and life...
yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh :)
it's truly amazing what a lil sunshine will do to your attitude, your soul, your mind, your body!
it's the change in all things good!
it's funny, but I sat down to write something completely different today, but find myself clinging to the thoughts of my love for sunshine...
of the fact that, most of the year, i'm dreaming of summer...hahahahhaha!
I truly am!
it's unavoidable!
there's something about summer time that feels like a constant celebration to me.
I think of the past few years of my life...and mostly my favorite moments have been spent with an amazing crew of people...playing and lounging and drinking and singing and dancing and swimming and boogie boarding (yep, i'm the dorky 46 year old that loves my boogie board, immensely!  haha!)
in fact, my board is leaning against the wall in my living room...
it's kind of its permanent resting spot, til I use it again...
and in those warm water days that I love so dearly, sometimes it's what gets me through my day at work, if i'm on the morning shift, I drive down our lil beach road, hopin that there are a few waves, callin my name...
that childlike experience of pushing myself off into one and feeling the water splash into my eyes, and hold me til i'm touching the sand with my hands...
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, yessssssssssssssssss, it makes me smile right this moment...
but I can recall, just smiling as I get back up and slide back out to catch the next one...
doesn't matter at all if i'm the only one on the beach that day.
that salt water is the ultimate cleanser of all bad things in your day...
it can make you forget the shit that happens along the way.
and here's the thing...
I was talkin to a friend of mine the other day...
and we were discussing work, I think, about being frustrated or just feeling disgruntled, which, of course bled into talkin about other things that get on our nerves...
she was asking for advice about what to do...is this right? or is that right?  choices and decisions...frustrations and disappointments...fears and commitment...
too much to worry over somedays!!!! 
so, I was sittin there, thinkin of what the right thing to say was...and this is what came to me...
I think that sometimes, it's easy to get pressed into the minuses of our life...we see them and they seem to multiply, like lil babies or something...we can get caught up in them, feelin like they're takin over our lives...but here's the thing we have to remember...we must remember!  at the end of the day, there are also pluses...we all have them...sooooooooooooo, we need to think about these pluses, say them out loud even...
on any given day, if you're walkin into whatever you're walkin into...
carry those pluses with you...
I told her that she always had a few pluses in her pocket...no matter what.
and when that moment comes, that overwhelming moment of minus...
just reach down in that pocket and pull out those pluses...
they are there...like a sword of light, to fight off whatever is coming after you.
so, maybe right now, while you're reading this (and if you are, thank you, oh so very much!) make a lil mental list of your pluses...
sometimes they are ever changing...but there are some that are the constant pluses...I think that maybe those are the ones that we should put in our back pockets and walk into our days with...
yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I do believe it's true :)
one of mine is...you guessed it...is that beach that's across the street from me...
can't imagine my life without it.
plus :)

a smile and a laugh between strangers....

yep...I know...
it's been a life and a half since the last time I was on here...
writing something...
and gosh, I gotta say, it would have to be a three part series to catch up on what's been going on since the last time I blogged...the life and times of honey fucking deacon, right?  :)
haha!
but instead of ye olde rehash, i'm just gonna go with my story of yesterday...
and then we'll work with the ebb of flow of the life and times...
let's see how that goes, shall we?
as you know already, I do a small service job, 4 or 5 days a week...in slow times, only 3, which, of course, makes me cringe when the schedule comes out...
in my head, i'm thinkin...'holy shit, how will I pay my bills?!', but somehow it works (in these parentheses, I must thank my parents for still caring and watching out for me, just in case I look hungry...thanks mom and dad...you rock...always)...
so, anyways, I feel like, those of us in the service industry know this feelin all too well...
but also, for me, I don't know about you, I usually find myself, on my days off, if I walk into a joint, whether it be a restaurant or a store, going out of my way to be nice to whom ever is taking care of me...
because, let's face it, we know what they're goin through...
taking care of others to make a living can take it all out of you.
even if it's not brain surgery or changing the world...
at the end of the day, you're taking care of what someone else needs.
that, in and of itself, can make you feel shitty or make you feel like you have an opportunity to make someone's day better...
somehow, you have that power...
even if it's in the smallest of ways...
sometimes that makes the biggest difference.
so, here's my lil story...maybe it will make more sense now that I've babbled a bit about somewhat thankless jobs, that we service folks do...
there are some days, that I totally feel thanked :)
and those are the good days...yep yep.
let's back up to yesterday's lil jaunt to some food and shoppin with my mom.
just a regular getaway for a few hours, but it seemed as if every store we went into, somehow we were able to make who ever was takin care of us, laugh and smile.
as for me, I love makin people laugh...to see that this person is letting go enough for just a minute or two, a total stranger, right there in front of you, enjoying that moment...
yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, that's like a victory in life, I think.
several stores we went into, we ended up in conversation with people somehow, from the Clinique girl behind the counter at dillards (we were giggling and laughin with her, sharing with her where to get a really nice cocktail), to the gap kids manager (who actually looked at first like she would fall asleep while ringing us up, until we said something to her that made her smile, and automatically she perked up and admitted to needin a coffee), to the Dominican brother in full robes, shoppin in Williams and Sonoma (when we first approached him, he seemed wary of these goofy women that asked him where he was from, but promptly got into a full on conversation about spain after he realized my mom was of latin decent, practicing his Spanish on her, happily), and the beautiful girl working at anthropologie (which as soon as I broke the silence of her checkin me out, that she told me how much of a surprise the beautiful day was to her, and as she handed me my change, she grabbed both of my hands and looked me in the eyes and thanked me for coming in, all the while smiling)...
it's not as if we changed anyone's lives yesterday, but before we walked up to them, who knows what was goin on in their heads...
maybe for that moment of laughing and smiling, we were able to help them feel better about whatever their day had been about before that second.
that eye contact...
   that exhale just before the laugh...
           that smile as you're telling each other to have a good day...
                   that moment that you truly know that we're all sorta in the same boat...
                           just tryin to make it sail.
when I got home from my lil girls day trip with my mom, I was telling one of my friends about it, and she was saying how nice it feels to be connected to people...
like when you have a day that you just seem to run into people, around every corner, and somehow make a connection with them...it truly brings you all together, even if you never see that person again.
I guess the thing about that is...if you walk with your head up and you notice people and are aware that all of this living is going on around you...that everyone is just going about their day, doing what they do and hoping for it to be happy in some kind of way...I guess if we just notice that and as often as possible leave a good imprint on the person we've just walked away from...
just imagine...
what you could do for someone in just that moment.
I was telling my mom about it as I was driving us home...I said to her, 'I bet/hope at the end of their day of work, they may think about those two fun women they took care of that day that made them laugh, when they were just going about their business of clocking in their time'...
yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhh, i'd like to think that, because at the end of my day or during it sometimes, when i'm working, I think that same thing...'man I love taking care of happy people' or 'that was fun to get a laugh out of that guy, he didn't look so nice at first'...
to put a smile on someone's face is a gift, and it doesn't cost a thing, except maybe a lil effort to make it happen.
so, when someone tells you that it's the simple things in life that make the difference...
listen to that person...
and grab those moments...
smile...
and laugh...

"there are only two ways to live your life.  one is as though nothing is a miracle. the other is as if everything is."  ~Albert Einstein~

another day at the barn....

wow...
here we are...
or i guess i should say...
here i am :)
3 whole months since i sat down to write!
summer...
it sorta does it...
just takes you away.
mine has, i think...in good ways and bad ways...
but...
here i am :)
soooooooooooo, where to begin?
hmmmmmmmmmm...
i guess i should probably just go with the story that made me think that it was about time i write something...
you know, as i always say, i find reasons to not sit down and write, even if i think, 'hey, this is a good idea', i still manage to find other things to do.
yep...am imagining it happens to the best of us.
but the other day i had a couple cool things happen to me in a row, while i was at work, that reminded me of how the small things in a day can change your view on the day, or your attitude, or your general feeling.
many of you will probably understand what i mean when i say that workin in the service industry can kinda put you at odds with your beliefs in human beings.
as i write this, it may sound sorta jaded or pissy or negative, but i don't necessarily mean it that way...
what i mean by that is that, there are days that you're just, for lack of a better term, sick of always taking care of people...cleaning up after them, dealing with their attitudes, smiling through their complaints, and saying, 'yes' all the time...
here's the thing...there are many times through those days that you come in contact with good/happy/kind-hearted people as well...
these are the experiences that help you glide a lil through your day...
that make you smile and think, 'hey, this isn't so bad, taking care of people'...
yep...it's those times.
so, this past sunday, i was doing my usual sling, with one of my favorite partners in the barn, and as i was walkin through the bag room, i noticed the bag of a member that only is in town here and there...
i decided when i saw his bag, that i knew he would play that day, so, i proceeded to grab his bag and set it up on a cart with some range balls...yes, just a usual thing you do when people play golf.
i have to tell you that last year, this same member and i didn't have a lot of appreciation for each other...he always came to play late, and would be the last off, and would not be that congenial, and you wouldn't see a tip from him, pretty much ever.
so, when he would come up, it would always be at the point that i would feel quite a bit of disdain from him just being there.
then one day, i decided that i needed to work harder at being friendlier towards him...it didn't make me feel good to hold anger against this guy that was just doing something he liked to do and something he paid great money for, and something i was getting paid for....
but mostly because i hate feeling that way towards another human being, whether i liked them or not...it's not good for your soul to hold onto that kinda stuff.
so, in this past year, i have worked to do lil things for him, and greet him with a more kinder face, and try and think ahead, so that he feels taken care of.
let me tell  you...it's made the biggest difference between us.
now when we see each other, we're both smiling and we chat, and then he goes off to play...
he even has mentioned a couple times how great it makes him feel that i'm always ready for him and take such great care of him...and in turn it makes me feel great that he notices.
so, back to the story...this sunday when he came down the steps, we said hello and he saw that his bag was already on a cart and ready to roll.
he smiled and laughed and asked me how i knew he was coming, and if i had seen him walking down?  i just told him i saw his bag downstairs and knew he'd play and wanted to be ready for him...
he was so happy by this small act, that he got on the phone with his wife, as i was standing there, and asked her to bring me some of the peach jam she had just made on the Friday before....
in his large southern draw, i listened to his conversation with his wife, and it made me happy...
he said to her, 'babe, you know that woman that i have been telling you about that works at the golf course, the one that always take care of me?  well, today i got to the course, and she had my bag out for me and on a cart, ready to go...i just want to do something nice for her too...will  you bring some of that jam down to her?'
he was smiling and i was smiling as he drove away to play his quick 18 in the late afternoon.
strangely enough, it brought a tear to my eye, just feeling like this person that i barely know, just did this kindness to me...just because i had been kind to him.
it made me smile pretty much the rest of the day.
crazily enough, not even an hour later, another member came off the course, and we were asking him how he liked his new house, and without even a thought, he said for us to hop in the cart and come check it out.
so, there we were, my work buddy and i, walking through this fantastic home of one of our members, and they were so friendly and lovely, showing us something they obviously were so excited about, and wanting to share with us.
we talked about the art work on the walls and about their kids and their lives before moving here...
it was a real moment of feeling not like a server.
as we rode the cart back to the barn, we both were so happy to have been treated with respect and care, that we were both just smiling and laughing about our day.
i know that I've probably talked about this often...
but as a server for many years, it can become this feeling of 'us and them'...
this feeling that you're not on the same level as another person...just because they have more.
it kind of gets hammered into you, in some way or another.
because there are some days that you do get treated that way, like you are lower...
it's easy for that feeling to get stuck in your head, and it stays.
i think that i am as much to blame for that feeling as the person on the other side, to be honest.
we are the ones, after all, that let people make us feel a certain way.
it is i that chooses to hold onto that.
but...
at the end of the day...
those small things, those kind gestures, from another human being, another soul...it's those things that make the difference in a day.
in a life time, actually.
there are loads of times that i'm cleaning someone's clubs that are stayin at the hotel (and if you didn't know, i work at a course that is next door to a pretty nice hotel, that we work in conjunction with, so we take their clubs to the hotel when they're done playing golf, being its a service we provide to make things easier on the guest) that the golfer will ask, 'will they take the clubs back to storage for us?' and usually i just reply, 'yes, of course'...but more recently, after hearing that for some time, I've started to reply, ' i am they '...
the first time i said it...i surprised myself and it made me smile...but it also took the guest of the player that asked me that by surprise too...and they actually laughed as well.
the more i thought about my reply, the more i liked that phrase...'i am they'
if you think about it, we are all 'they' to another person.
which kinda means we are all 'we'.
so quick to stand at arms length from another person because we're different or we are on a different level of success or we're not as pretty...
whatever the case may be...we're all here...
struggling to survive and holding hope for what's to come.
yep...it's the simple things in this life that carry us through.

"everyday may not be good,
but there's something good in every day." ~anonymous~

so, just remember, when you're going about your day, and it seems bleak and full of nothing, if you look hard enough, you'll find good things...they may be small...but small may just be enough to get  you through to the next day.
yep.
i am they.

21 and under...

well, here we are...
early sunday morning, and i've decided to go with my gut today.
there are loads of times i wake up for a second, and have a good idea (well, of course, that's all relative) of somethin to write about, but then i go back to sleep, and when i wake back up, i've forgotten this so called good idea.
i kick myself a little each time i do that.
but not today, i woke up with a thought, and decided why not get up right this moment, and just write it.
truth is, sometimes you don't have the luxury of going with it, because of responsibilities, but today, i have none.
sooooooooooo, with that, i give you my waking thought :)
the other day, i took, a friend of mine to a concert.
it was a concert i was pretty excited about, but that she really didn't know either of the bands performing.
i had discovered both on that lovely little deal called pandora.
these bands always seemed to pop up on my ray lamontagne station.
so, a couple months ago, as luck would have it, i happened to notice on my facebook feed that one of them was comin to town, and low behold, the other was opening for them.
two birds with one stone!  woohoo!
i was totally excited!
it was at a small concert venue as well, one of those kind that there are no seats, and a little bar very close to the stage...so basically, everywhere you are is near the stage, but if you're lucky, you're right next to the stage, and it's like they're in your living room, playin for you...
and well, i guess a group of your best friends.  haha!
anyways, we arrive at the door and the bouncer people card us...
which always makes me laugh...45 and getting carded is kinda hilarious, but from the bouncer's face, he didn't think it was funny at all...and didn't consider thank you to be anythin he needed to reply to.  haha!  probably for the small fact that there were two lil hotties in short dresses right behind us.
we laughed as we walked in because the bouncer barely even could make the effort to look our way, because his eyes were firmly glued onto the two chicadees behind us.  hahahahha!
so, thus we enter...
now this venue also is a 18 and over place...since it does serve alcohol, and well, it has that sort of bar atmosphere.
it's already a bit crowded up front, but we move around the side where the bar is...and happen to be able to walk right into a nice lil spot, pretty close to the stage, and be able to grab a brew as well.  perfect!
the roadies were just putting the final touches on the stage, when we begin to look around.
my friend looks over at me, and asks me if i notice that everyone in the place is young...way young. 
i laugh and say, 'yeah, there seem to be a lot of young people here.'
but the bands are both young and good looking.  seems to go with the territory.
when the first group comes out, people begin screaming and dancing and singing...it's awesome!  and i'm happy as a lark.
meanwhile, my friend notices that there are loads of people, as they are waving their hands in the air, that have x's marked largely on their hands.  you know, like with a fat magic marker...that large!  she leans over to me, and asks me why i think that is, and after a second of thought, i tell her it's because they're under 21.
the key to this answer, 'under 21'.
for pretty much the rest of the night, she just can't believe that we're in a place that has a sea of x's all around us, and there we are, two older women, listening right with them.
every so often she would lean over and tell me how old she felt.
actually, she said it a lot.
at one point, i leaned over to her and said, 'you know, the secret to remaining young is to surround yourself with youth'...
   and hey, 'who cares who's around us, it's about the music, it's about having fun, just let go and enjoy'.
during that night, we would look over at each other and just giggle at the fact that we were literally the oldest people there.
which brings me to my waking thought...
i am so very glad that music does not have an age limit.
that you can hear something and love it and just be part of the music.
i often wonder, when i'm out at a bar that has live music, if when i get much older, i'll still feel like dancing when i hear something that has a good beat or want to sing, when i hear a tune that i know by heart.
i wonder if there is this point in life, where you stop wanting to sing and dance and enjoy what's right in front of you,
without worry or concern for what everyone else is thinking of you, but with the sole intent to be in the music.
because for me, i may be that old woman that is standing there, just smiling and doin a lil jig...i might be just be that lady.  haha!
i don't know about you, but there are days that i recognize my age, and i'm so surprised by it.  how did it get here?!
i don't feel 45 when i hear a lil jay-z, taylor swift, justin timberlake, snoop dogg, the biebs (yep, i said it!  haha!).
and then i wonder, when will i grow up?
the answer...
i'm kind of hoping, never :)
it's funny as you get older, how you notice certain things a lil more than when you were younger.
and for the last few years, when i'm out, i will see maybe a person that is 20 years my elder, and i wonder what they are doing in a bar like this...
the answer...
the same damn thing i'm doing...
getting out...
being in the world...
enjoying what's in front of us.
the problem with that is we set age limits for ourselves in life.
by the time we get to 20, we'll be in the midst of the college of our choice...
by the time we get to 25, we'll be married...
by the time we get to 30, we'll have 2.5 children (don't know how that works though.  haha!)
by the time we get to 35, we'll be well put together and have it all figured out, where we are going and what we are doing...
question is...who made these freakin rules?!  and why do we blindly, follow them?! 
geeeeeeeeeeeeeez!!!!!!!!!
problem with all of that is...what happens if life hits you, and you're not going according to plan?  then what?
screw all that.
if i did everything according to age...god, i wouldn't have had some of the great times i've had in my life.
you know that saying, 'act your age'?
ignore it completely!
be ridiculous sometimes...that's why we've worked so hard to get here in the first place!
so, we get older...the fact is, i take glucosamine, i worry about what i put in my body, i can't stay up late several days in a row without feeling like crap, i ache a lil when i get up in the mornin...that's part of the way it is...
but that doesn't mean we have to stop living.
yeah, maybe we have to be smarter and be more responsible. (i'm still working on that one)
but when it comes to music, all bets are off!
and thank god, music doesn't have an age limit!
and thank god, i can hear a 'teenie bopper' song on the radio, and i can sing as loud as i want to, right by myself, right out my windows.
i don't care in the least who hears or see's me!  hahahaha!
maybe it's a book, i can't remember at the moment, it's early, but it's called 'when i'm old i shall wear purple'...
in my mind, i've always thought that means that at a certain age, we stop caring what others think, we've paid our dues, we're old, we can do what we want, like wear purple, it's such a young color, vibrant and full of energy.
if i'm there already, i'm wearing some damn purple, and i'm break dancin if i want to, and i'm refusing to explain myself to anyone, if they ask :)  haha!
music for me is life and love and everything!
so, yeah, we were the oldest people in that bar, that night.
but we danced, we sang, and we lived.
that's what it's all about.
living.

the light i have...

so, yeah...
i've literally been sitting in front of my computer this morn for quite a bit of time, just staring at it, wondering when i will begin to type the words that are in my head.
and just a second ago, i thought to myself, 'man, i had such good ideas in the middle of the night, why didn't i write them then?'...
yep...
really great question!  haha!
but...oh, well.
so, here i am, in a serious block of letters and words.
hmmmmmmmmmm...
thing is...on these blog posts...mostly i just sit and write whatever comes to my mind...
i like it to work sort of organically, without thought of preparation, no rough drafts, just simple and easy, let it go, kind of writing.
funny thing is, even that seems to be hard to do.
just let go...and let whatever pops up, pop up.
yeah, normally, that's exactly how i work it.
but it's funny how the mind works...somedays i sit frozen, unsure of anything...and others...it rolls right off my hands and into this lil laptop.
so in essence, there are days that i create my own writer's block...haha!
wondering...'what am i gonna write!'
instead of just doing it...just writing.
i come across a zillion stories to write about when i'm not sitting in front of my computer...but then when i do sit, sometimes a zillion turns into an absolute zero.  crazy, yeah! 
i guess life is kinda that way too sometimes, eh?
lately i've caught myself wondering about the point of this whole deal...this life thing...
yes...i'll admit...it's a constant for me...i don't know about you...but i'm always sorta wondering where it's all going.
i think, 'okay, so, here i am...now what?'
hahaha!
right?!
so, many things i still want to do.
and then there's time, right?
will we have the time to do all that?
geeeeeeeeeeez!
am i doing this right...am i makin the right decisions?
good lord, the list is endless!
i've realized that there's no comparing my life to anyone else's...
my body to anyone else's...
my beliefs to anyone else's...
my feelings to anyone else's...
cuz, admittedly so, my feelings run rampant on certain occasions and on certain subjects.
so, pretty much...what we feel, think, want, and are...well, they're totally just ours...nobody else's.
you know when they say, 'walk a mile in another man's shoes'?
it is an extreme effort to do it, but we must do it.
otherwise, we may never understand another man's plight.
and well, that's what we're doing here, eh?
co-existing...sometimes :)  haha!
a couple different things happened to me at work recently that made me think a little bit...about perception...about how we make assumptions on other people's lives and actions, thinkin we know where they're coming from or who they are, based on our assumptions, which are based on our own experiences, not theirs.
now, mind you, i have the job of a lowly cart and bag attendant...those of us that do this job, are sort of laborers of a different sort...you still have to take care of people and be good at dealing with the in's and out's of the service industry...but we also, sling hefty bags, clean fitthy carts, and wipe down dirt ridden golf clubs...all in the hopes of someone handing you a few bills.
if they don't hand you a few bills, well, i can't speak for everyone, but i'm always a lil unsure of the soul of the person that i'm taking care of...hahaha!
but that's neither here nor there.
anyways...the story goes like this...
there are certain days at the sling that you clock in, and basically, do not stop moving and slinging til you clock out...
on days like this, you know in the back of your mind that you'll make some green, and you try to tell yourself that the green is worth the strain.  and mostly, it is.
because i know, after all, that i'm lucky that i'm a 45 year old woman that can still sling with kids, 20 to 30 years younger than me, and walk out with a wad of cash in my pocket.
i try not to think about the fact that i'm doing a monkey's labor, but the fact that i still like doing the monkey's labor.  haha!
so, during one of these days of slingfest central, one of my older gentlemen members, proceeds to hand me 4 dimes and 2 nickels, telling me that's all he has that day.
i'm not gonna lie to you...i'm always a lil offended when anyone hands me change.  and this day was no different.  haha!  i looked at him and told him it was okay, and tried to hand him the change back...but he insisted that he wanted me to have it.  haha!
as i walked away, i walked by our counter space, and put it there as to not have it jingling away in my pocket the rest of that day, because i was in the midst of getting my back side handed to me, and the reminder of that incident would just get to me, eventually.
like, here i am, and this is all i'm worth...50 cents...wowzers!
after things slowed down, i grabbed the change and took it to one of the guys inside the pro shop, and gave it to him, and told him that i wanted him to feel as special as i felt when i got it. 
yeah...that wasn't nice of me at all...i know.
just then i realized when i had told someone else about it, that 50 cents to some people, is a big deal...and to that man, he was trying to give me something...the last bit of what he had that day, because he didn't want to walk away not giving me anything.
instead i was just pissed off and maybe feeling a lil pissed on, i can't lie.  haha!
thing is...
back in his day...that would have gotten him into a movie and bought him a coke...most likely.
so, if i would have looked at it that way, maybe i'd have felt a lil less disreguarded for my services, than i had as i walked away from him. (let me also just interject a lil other thought...believe me, this doesn't happen often, the 50 cents thing, if it did, i wouldn't be able to actually survive, so i'm not at all saying that i'd be fine with 50 cents always...i am after all, trying to eat and pay rent...don't want anyone thinkin i'm some sort of angel that's okay with nothin...just thought i'd make that clear)
the thing is this...there are some days...when you're serving others, that it's easy to become jaded towards what people have and how they treat you...how it makes you feel...
but more importantly, how you let it make you feel.
deep down, for me, i know that doing this job that i do, isn't anything spectacular...that i'm not doing anything amazing with my life...i'm not striving for the best i can be...
but...
that's my choice...
that is not in any way, the choice of that person, giving me 50 cent's...
i am here, doing what i do, because i like it...i love golf...i love being outside...and most of the time, i love people, interacting with them...and yeah, amazingly so, being a part of their lives, somehow.
even if it is, just cart and bagging at a golf course.
i read somewhere one time, that whatever you do, you should do it well, and you can make a difference no matter where you are or what job you have.
i do feel as if that we can have a positive affect on other's lives no matter the career...that if you come from a place of kindness and love and thoughtfulness, that anything is possible.
and that most definitely, we all come from different places and perspectives...but that shouldn't ever get in the way of how we treat each other.
i, for one, have to remind myself quite often of this, because when you do serve the general public, it is too easy to walk away, feeling quite small or lackluster, because of what i do, but maybe it should be just as easy to walk in kindness, and just share some form of goodness that lies inside of you.
so, instead of jumping at the chance to be pissed or offended...i could jump at the chance at being different and being understanding.
that whole thought of taking a breath and counting backwards from 10, well, that might be a good thought, when coming across something that makes us naturally react.
in life it seems too easy to fight, rather than to listen and learn.
i came across this quote the other day, and maybe it is the perfect finish to this story of life...

"i am not bound to win,
i am not bound to be true,
i am not bound to succeed,
but i am bound to live up to the light i have."
~abraham lincoln

bound to live up to the light i have.
hmmmmmmmmmmm...
i like that...i like it loads and loads.
maybe we should all be so lucky to live up to that light.
i guess that choice is ours.
to live up to our own light.
yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

growing up...

the other day, i was havin a conversation with a friend, and i was saying how i was growing up, and learning...
was kinda funny...
being i'm 45, and still not grown up in so many ways.
haha!
but, oh, well, right?
i've decided that growing up isn't all it's cracked up to be on some certain occasions.
yes...it is cool to be able to do what you want.
yep...totally.
bills...hmmmmmmmmmm...not so cool...but then again, i always feel a sense of satisfaction when i can pay them...
that's always nice.
there's even a truly goofy part of me that loves to look in my fridge or cupboard, after i've gone grocery shopping, and look at my food.
yeahhhhhhhh, for some reason, that makes me feel good too.
just knowing that i have food. that's a big thing for me.
but then again, i just love grocery stores...there's something about them that makes me feel safe and happy...weird, i know...but it's something i've learned about myself.
i know what you're thinking, you're wondering what in the world a grown woman is thinking when she has a sense of satisfaction at the most common of things of being a grown up?
and to explain that...wow...there would be a whole lot of things, you'd have to know about me.
things you probably wouldn't want to know.  haha!
my thought though today...well...it's a pretty simple thought, as most of my thoughts are, i have to admit :)
i guess i figure in this ever changing world, we have to sort of stay on our toes, and learn the things that drive us...
the things that don't work for us at all...
the things that hurt us...
the things that make us feel joy...
the things that make us nervous, in good ways and bad ways...
it's these things that we should pay attention to.
in order somehow survive and learn and grow.
i'll be the first to admit though that this whole process can be a painful one.
a really painful one.
but i guess the cool part of that is that some days, i'm just rolling along, and i run into to something that i've seen before, and just then, i know what to do, and what i want.
that's when i realize that i have learned something.
but here's the thing...every situation that we encounter is different, right? 
and supposedly, if we let too much of our past rule how we make decisions now, we won't have an open mind to what's actually happening...we won't see things for what they are, if we live off the past.
it's a fine line to tread...
and i'm trying as i might, not to be jaded by things that have happened to me before.
gosh...that's when this being grown up thing is for the birds, eh?  haha!
decisions, decisions, decisions.
bargh!
haha!
the lucky thing in my life is though, that i haven't had to make huge decisions like most of my counterparts.
it's what comes with the fact that my life is pretty damn simple.
and i have not a whole lot of ownership of things in this world...truly, i don't.
i do find that sometimes, when others are having conversation with me about these kinds of things, that they look at me as if i could not possibly know where they are coming from, being that i do live this life of simplicity.
i can honestly say that there have been times that i've been offended by this...
being talked to as if i wasn't a pertinent member of society,
just because i have chosen this lifestyle.
thing is though...we're all living here, experiencing things...at the same time...
just down the street from each other.
and yes, they are different levels of stress...
and we all deal with it differently as well.
we all feel failure and hurt and dissapointment.
i think that maybe if we could just see that in each other and know that it's all important...
maybe there would be some common ground between the haves and the have nots.
i'm looking at this as i type, and it's not actually what i had woken up to write...
but it's what's coming out of me, so, obviously, it might be what's on my mind.
seeing eye to eye with another living soul is something to strive for in this life time.
to try and understand someone else's plight, even if it's not your own.
i think that could be a way to end a lot of the pain of growing up.
it's taken me a long time to get to this place in my life,
where there is satisfaction in the smallest of things.
for me, i live in a pretty small way, really.
i get up...i have coffee...i work out...i go to work...
and then...a whole lot of small things in between, that make my life what it is.
i know that there's more...and as i grow and as i learn...i'm tryin to figure out what other small things i'd like to add to the mix of my life.
now, i have to tell you, i have no idea if that means at all that i'm growing up.
haha!
but that being said...i've found myself as of late, understanding a lil more...and trying to make decisions according to what's good for me and what's not.
this, my friends, has taken me a long long time to get to.
yes, i may be a slow learner...and quite immature in a numerous amount of ways.
but...
and this is a big but...(yeah, i said big but...haha!)
every once in awhile i notice myself doing something that i haven't done before, and i realize, 'holy shit, i am learning!'
for me...i don't know about you...
i'm pretty stoked, elated, and jazzed up, when i know i've actually moved forward and figured one little thing out.
so, yeah, for me...baby steps...that's my ticket.
maybe the secret in life is to figure out what our ticket is to growing and learning.
and just go with that.
it may not look at all like the person next to you...
but the funny part about that is...sometimes all those different ways of growing up, take us to the exact same place as the guy next to us.

"could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other's eyes for an instant?"
~from 'walden' by henry david thoreau~

being ridiculous...

well, here we are...
just a few days from the new year, and it happens to be a lil over 2 months since i've sat myself down to write on this here, HFD blog site of mine.
lazy right?
yeah, i'd say so!
it's funny, this mornin, when i got up, i thought, 'okay, honey, you're gonna write today'...
and i proceeded to find lil things to do in my apartment...ridiculous! 
i am ridiculous!  haha!
i recall several years ago, this girl i was havin a drink with at a local bar, tellin me, just that...
that i was ridiculous...hahahhahaha!
i can't lie to you, after she said it the third or fourth time, i was over it, and wanted to tell her off...
but...
the more i think about it, the more i know it's true :)  haha!
the actual reason she was telling me i was ridiculous is because of my thoughts of love and of not giving up on people.
so, yeah...in that sense...i'm definitely ridiculous...without a doubt!
haha!
was thinkin as i was doing my dishes this morning, and avoiding writing, about all of the things that i've written about as of late...
and i'm thinkin, yeah, most of them have been love related, family related, dream related, or faith & hope related...
which in a sense, all fall back to love...
love, love, love.
geeeeeeeeeeeeez!
makes you wonder...what is wrong with me, right?!  haha!
yeah,  i wonder the same thing, believe me.
but here's my thought...
you know how at the end of a year, everyone sits down and thinks about what they want to change...
and how they're gonna make that happen...
about lists and goals...
all of that.
yeah...i think i've written about that as well...
and it's what i do too.
looking back on this year...wow...it's been some kind of year.
i've been on a few trips...fallen for a couple girls...danced a lot...toasted here and there to fun nights...sweated grossly to loads of spin and yoga...boogie boarded many of the summer days...laughed and talked my way into the night...and some of the mornings :)  haha!
i wouldn't change a thing...really!  i wouldn't!
i know though, that life must continue to go on...
that we must continue to learn...to seek...to make mistakes (as for me, crazy amounts of them, it seems! haha!)
i was talking to one of the kids i work with the other day...and we spoke of the life long search...the search that doesn't seem to ever end...
and we were figuring, that if you stop searching, then maybe you're not learning.
and when you're not learning, you're standing still.
as i see it, i feel as if, since i graduated from college...way back when...i've been searching non-stop for what it is that i should do with my life, where i fit in, what makes me happy, who are the people that make my life better...
all of those questions...they've been answered...partly...
but then more grow from there...
that's the funny thing about life, eh?
we can stand still for a few moments...
look at the view...
but then...we just have to keep moving...keep walking forward...
and sometimes run.  yep...even slow, like me.
haha!
i think that maybe i'll never know some of it...
but i know i'll feel it.
what it feels like to be happy in a moment.
      to know that i fit in, here and there.
              to know what love is...wherever it comes from.
                        to laugh with my family.
                                to laugh at myself.
                                           to feel absolutely high as kite without a drug inside of me.
i know this because my search for everything...
            is never-ending.
so, at this point in my life...i'm 45 years old.
i forget that as soon as i hear music...haha!  and raise my hands in the air, and start dancing.
i don't seem to notice it when i'm flying through a spin class or in a tree pose in yoga.
i absolutely feel like a child when the waves are carrying me through til i hit the sand.
yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
the truth is...
who cares?!
life will always be what you make of it.
always.
i pledge to keep seeking...to keep falling in love...to keep growing...to keep reading...and to keep living...
i'm figuring...
if i do all that...well...who knows what will happen...what will come along?
and who will come along to teach me?
i don't know...
but am looking foward to seeing!
so, with all of that...
i say to you...
here's to another year...
of everything! 
and another year of being absolutely ridiculous :)

"i thank you God for this most amazing day:
for the leaping greenly spirits of trees and a blue true dream of sky:
and for everything which is natural which is infinite which is yes..."
~e.e. cummings~

strangers...

once again, i've decided to work from my beach steps... it's the coolest, crispest mornin we've had so far this year, and the ocean is beautiful and welcoming... the sun was rising just as i was walkin up my steps... perfection, i have to say :) today, i come to you, a person that has no idea, but is full of wonder and amazement about life, and the reasons that things happen the way they do. i have just returned from a trip to puerto rico, my birthplace, and my mom's country of origin. you know, i try to describe it to people that haven't been there, and it's so hard to explain the feelin you get when you go there. or, at least, when i go there. the difference of life, culture, and view is somethin that is palpable when you're there. i smile, just thinkin of it, just like anythin or anyone you love, you just can't help but smile when thinkin of it. that's how i feel about puerto rico. a smile on my face :) so, here's the story... and my purpose for writing this mornin is to work through the funny shit that's truly unexplainable about life... our first day, our flight, or maybe i should say flights, were delayed several times, that we didn't make it to la isla de encanta til 10 at night, missin our first day there...but during this wait we had interactions with several different passengers, tryin to make it there as well... one of them had randomly told me that he was goin to my mom's hometown, and we talked about the fact that we were goin to the same place. it's funny how complete strangers count on each other for support and hope that maybe we'll make it there...haha...but we did... so, fast forward to the next day, we're in my mom's hometown, goin to grab a drink after a day of lounging and hanging out...when we were parking, i made a joke, saying, 'hey, wouldn't that be funny, if that guy from the plane was here, when we walk in?'... and i'm guessing you can guess what happened...he was there! hahhahahhaha! my mom and i screamed out together, like he was a dear old friend. he ended up sitting with us for a couple of hours/drinks, and as it turns out, lives in a town nearby us in florida...and we even know a few of the same people. crazy! we exchanged numbers, and as i walked away, thought to myself, 'how insane and random life can be'...almost like this guy was placed in that exact spot for us to meet him. wow. okay, so now let's backtrack...when we finally made it on our flight to pr from miami, we were seated on the absolute last row...one seat open next to me...a girl ended up sitting there that had talked to my mom in the line for check in...she was young, looked like a student...and as i quietly looked over to what she was reading, i noticed it was in spanish, and she had her pen and highlighter out, markin up her book like crazy. i assumed she was a student, and at a certain point, i asked her if her book was good...from that moment, we talked the rest of the way to san juan...turns out she had just run the chicago marathon, so, that, of course, sent our conversation in many directions...we had loads in common...and it was genuinely a truly lovely and fun conversation. and my assumption of being a student wasn't correct, by the way, she just reads like that, which was another great reason to talk to her, i knew as soon as she said that, that we were kindred spirits. i ended up giving her my blog address and told her to check it out. fast forward... when i made it home, i jumped on my blogsite, and noticed i had a new member... yep...it was her...even a nice comment at the end of my most recent posting. it made me happy to see...a complete stranger, goin out of their way for you. makes me know that in this world, there is still kindness and general interest in communion of spirit. which brings me to my last day in puerto rico, my aunt drops me off at the airport, and i walk in, begrudgingly wishin i had a lil more time to do a couple more things in my beloved puerto rico... but, at the same time, knowing my time was just as it should be...full. of everything possible, most definitely, because when i go there, it's not a touristy type visit, it's a visit of family, of love, and of life...lots of life and laughter :) so, i made my way to the gate, and waited to board...during this sit, i listened to the conversation of the young people next to me...it was pretty hilarious, and it gave me entertainment for the wait. i don't know about you guys, but i have to admit, i'm like 'big brother' when i'm at a restaurant, or bar, or in public, generally, listening in randomly to people's conversations...i can't lie, it's quite fun and interesting...and sometimes, makes me realize how connected and similar we all are. anyways, it was time to board, and as i walked down the aisle, i wondered, 'who will be next to me?'...and as soon as i sat down, the lady the i had to sit next to, began with, 'would you like a piece of gum?'... out of sheer habit, i took it, but then thought to myself, 'i hope this lady's not crazy and has drugged this lil chiclet that i'm shoving into my mouth'...hahhahahhaha...but shoved it, i did :) as i pulled out my book, she looked over and asked it what it was... and here we go... the trip was 2 and a half hours...and there wasn't a silent moment. i can't begin to explain to you the conversation that we had... but long story, short...it was like the twilight zone...i kept thinkin, how is this possible that this woman is sitting next to me, speakin of the exact things that i needed to hear in this moment in my life? the subjects spanned from finances, to dreams, to love, and to faith... she was insanely passionate about life, and for some reason, kept telling me that she could tell that i could do all these things that i've dreamed of, and what was i waiting for... like this absolute stranger believed in me, more than i believed in myself... god, i gotta tell ya, as she spoke to me, i was taken aback by the fact that what she said was all too true...i wasn't sure what to think, honestly, but was thankful and scared, all at the same time... like where the hell did this woman come from?! hahahhahhaha! i walked off the plane, a lil bit dazed, and told my dad of the conversation that i had just had with this woman, and he quickly agreed that the woman was right. so, there you go... 3 strangers on a trip to see people i've known all of my life... and yet...they made all of the difference on this lil vacation i was luckily given. it does make me wonder about how people come into our lives... and how it seems that sometimes it feels like perfect timing... that it is all happening for a reason...that nothin is a mistake. i'm astounded by this more often than not...but in my recent days, i can't even begin to explain to you how often i think that. wow wow wow... life is surely a mystery! but what an intersting mystery it is :) so, i guess what i'm saying is pay attention...be aware...cuz honestly, crazy shit is goin on all around us...amazing stuff! funny stuff! stuff worth writing about...stuff worth thinking about...life is right in front of our faces, rollin by, askin us to come along... go with it... live it... love it... because after all, it's our one and only life to live. laugh, love, live, eat, drink, be merry, run, walk, sprint...but go there...it's all yours... people come and go... and maybe they do, to remind you of what you're missing or maybe where you need to be going. i fear of a lot in life...but here's the thing i keep learning...that holding onto these fears i have, it only gets in the way of living. it takes away the juice that life is so full of... as for me, i don't want to let that fear have even a drop of my juice of life. screw that... keep fighting, my friends...and live :)