til the end...

well... here we are... once again i've labored over what to write and how it will come across... geez... somedays i do wonder what in the world is wrong with me? haha! okay, don't answer too quickly, my friends :) haha! anyways, the truth is...there have been, oh, so many reasons to write lately, but i've found reasons not to write... because of being unsure of how i will sound or how i will be taken. maybe that is something normal when one is writing and putting it out there. this worry...this concern...this hope for the next one being as good as the last, or better, hopefully. or if it's any good at all, in the first place. that need for acknowledgement or acceptance. pshhhhhhhhht...who knows? it's like i'm havin a competition with myself... which is one of those human conditions, isn't it? always more critical than what somebody else would be. i love putting it down, and sending it out... it's like freedom... like, 'here i am'...'take me as i am' scary but exciting! so, why don't we just roll into this together, shall we? i was tellin my yoga instructor the other day that i had an idea for a topic for my next blog, but wasn't sure how it was gonna come out... that maybe what i was gonna write about was sorta like, 'beating a dead horse'... it's been talked and talked about...what would it resolve really? but it's what has been on my mind lately... so, he said to me...'just write what's in your heart...that's what it's all about...don't hold back...be truthful and honest...after all, that's what makes reading your writing, interesting and you.' which i agree with whole-heartedly...it's the reason i started writing really... to get it out. originally, i planned on making it totally anonymous so that i could write whatever i wanted to, and not be afraid... but then i thought, how could i do that? i need to stand behind what i say and have the courage to say it, no matter what people are thinking... it's so easy to veer into the other lane, writing what you think other people are wanting to hear... but then... that defeats the whole purpose, doesn't it? funny thing is...that's just the back story to it all... here's my thought... and i hope it's not too long of a thought for you guys... i'm kind of a long story teller...some people tune out, quite early... like a long voice mail...i am that :) some of my friends, just delete me before they get to the end of it... but that's just it...the end might be the most important part of the message... some days we just have to have the patience to wait til the end...because it might be there...that thing...that hook...that love...the p.s. part :) the end could make all the difference in the world... but we're so in a hurry, we skip parts...god, why do we do that?! they say the journey is the reward... so freakin journey with me, you guys...don't skip to the end... just ride with me for a few minutes :) it might be worth it...but then again...maybe not. haha! that's kind of up to you, isn't it? haha! well, here goes...and yes, i know this is gonna be a long one... i'll apologize right now...should have gotten to the point faster... but it's just not who i am or how i feel today, so i'm goin with that. sometimes, in life, i've decided, that there's nothin we can do about just being ourselves, that we should be exactly just that...plain and simple...ugly...honest...long-winded...goofy...embarassing...whatever it is...be ourselves. it's so tiresome not to be, ya know? so, here's the thing... as you know...i'm gay...i know, big surprise right? the topic of gay marriage has been pretty heated lately... for some reason, it really gets to me... to listen to all the arguements...all the reasons that a person like me shouldn't be allowed to get married... well, i have to be honest...it really pisses me off...it really picks away at my soul...it disintegrates the faith that we all want to have in this world we live in. although i know that i'm surrounded by people that love me for who i am, and yes, despite who i am, i am so unbelievabley bothered by this issue. that even though i'm not dating anyone or have even the remote chance of dating anyone, it seems like this issue just wears away at my heart. people are always making the comment, 'so what, so you can't get married, it's not that big of a deal anyways'. just sayin that, well, that just means that they don't care and they don't understand, they don't get it... that they don't care about human rights...this is not just politics...it's a belief in humanity. of letting people live their life. of letting people love who they want. at the end of the day... what's happening, what we're sayin as a human race is that 'you, as a gay person, are not worthy of this basic human right...because you are gay...we do not believe in you...and we do not believe that you should be able to have the chance to have the kind of life that we live.' i'm gonna call that...and i'm gonna call it bullshit...all the way. let me just say this... just put yourself, as a straight person, in our shoes... someone is telling you, "i'm sorry, you can't shop here... oh, and it's okay, you can be who you are, but you can't be part of this society, because what you are is going to ruin the 'sanctity' of this establishment. you can pay taxes, you can be a good person, but we won't allow you to say 'i do' to the person that you're in love with. because it's just not normal...it's just not right. you are not right. we hate you because we don't understand you..." the list goes on and on of the things that i hear or that i read about me, as a gay person...i know, not necessarily me...but it may as well be. being discounted is sorta like being told, 'you are not important' or 'you are not worthy of our time'. there's a wide array of gay people...and yes, we are like the colors of the rainbow...ranging from total butch/dike girls, to flaming men, to lipsticks, to tomboys, to bears, to quite plain and ordinary... but that's the human race, isn't it? thing is... we love...just like anyone else... and although i think my love is special and untouchable, it truly is like what anyone else wants at the end of the day... i just want to have the chance, just like anyone else, to screw up, to make mistakes, to love, to be loved, and yes, even to get married. so, yeah, i've babbled and made this quite long... but, i gotta be honest here...so what? don't you think that life and love are the most important thing in this world...ever?! i think it's quite worthy of pages and pages of writing...infinitely worthy! so, if there are a few extra paragraphs here... then, please, blame me, curse me, hate me... but hear me... this is NOT a moral issue, as some would say... this IS a human rights issue... and it needs to be fought... and, as for me, it will continue to be fought... because yes, i want what you have...whether that sounds ridiculous or not... i don't actually care. when are we all going to just finally understand... we're in this together...on this planet...living and breathing. hate me, despise me, throw things at me, kick me out...whatever... i'm here and i'm not going anywhere. i don't want to be tolerated, i want to be accepted. you don't have to like it or agree with it. but all it is... all it really is... is love. so, get over it. it will not be the end of the world, if two gay people can get married. believe me. it will be like the opening of the world! a humongously big closet opening! haha! who cares?! the thing is...love will not wait...it cannot wait... through out history there have been struggles and fights for rights... this is just another one... and here we are in 2012...hoping for a simple right of passage. it encompasses soooooooooooooooooo many things...and it means so much. a little while back, i think it was on mother's day, i watched my parents dancing together to 'you look wonderful tonight'... we were outside, it was breezy breezy florida, summer night... and there they were, dancing...it was sweet and beautiful... they will have been married 50 years next year...i don't know how they've done it...how they've survived each other...through 4 crazy kids...grandkids...great grandkids...through the aches and pains of growing separately and together...through old age (sorry, mom and dad...haha)...but that's the thing...they have...survived it...and continue to do so... while i may not be able to do that or have the opportunity to, how nice would it be if my other 'family' could? i think it would be amazing. just to have the chance. so, those are my thoughts and feelings on that subject... just one gay person's view... or better yet... just one person's view. thanks for being here with me til the end...i hope it was worth it :)(: i leave you with this... "the moment you say that any system of ideas is sacred, whether it's a belief system or a secular ideology, the moment you declare a set of ideas to be immune from criticism, satire, derision, or contempt, freedom of thought becomes impossible." ~salman rushdie~ we need just that...freedom... freedom of thought...of love...and of life.

dreams and realities

have been givin thought to the next thing i wanted to write about for the last several days. and as i've probably already told you, i finally reached my 3000 hit mark, which in the the grand scheme of it all, really isn't a big deal, but, for me, i'm pretty stoked about it. after all, it's all relative, right? right. anyways, now where do i go from here? that's always the question, isn't it? what's next? it's been the waking thought in my mind lately, to be honest. i sit here, on my beach steps, and truthfully, there could be no other place that i love more than sittin here, on a sunday mornin, for a may day, it's quite cool (i actually have my favorite old hoodie on, deep grey with a hole in the shoulder), the waves are quite surf-able, or in my case boogie-boardable :), brandi carlile playin on my pandora, coffee next to me... my eyes get watery just typin that for some unknown reason. there's something about a mornin like this that makes me feel as if i have exactly everything i need right now. and as i've explained before, i don't really have anything. that's the funny part. in the somewhat near future, one of my best friends is moving across the country. when i hear her talk about it, i can relate to all of the things she says about the reasons why she's going... because i've felt and thought those thoughts before...and yes, i still think them now sometimes. i've set off a few times in different points in my life, thinkin it was the answer, most definitely, the answer. and you know, maybe it was the answer at that point in my life. i did grow. and change. little by little, i learned more and more, what were the things i wanted in my life. i guess that's all we can do, right? just keep getting out there, and trying to answer some of those questions in our hearts and souls. learning from our mistakes and successes. i read recently that we feel our losses more than we feel our successes. that we hold onto them longer. while that is most likely true, because who am i to argue with seasoned thinkers and writers... but how crazy is that, eh? i'd like to just say we throw all of that out the window and change our human nature and view of all of it. yeah, that's what i'm sayin. after all...we are the captain's of our own destiny...haha...right right... i had a thought the other day, while i was drivin down the road... it was about dreams. about the dreams that we have as we are growing up. the gist of my thought was this... as we grow older, it seems we have to give up more quickly on our dreams. or maybe more honestly, our dreams become smaller or more gathered or planned. different from being young, and havin humongous, deliriously stupid, unrealstic dreams. just think about this... how many dreams have we had to give up on, and grow up? god, so many right? sit back and think about it... all those things you dreamed about while you were a child, a teenager, a young adult, an adult... and as for me, i'm in the middle of it all...mid-life...wowzers! how did i get here?! i look at people as they walk by me, and wonder what their dreams were. how life sometimes, just beats those dreams out of you, sorta like waves against a sea shore, slowly wearing it down, then before you know it...dredging must happen to build it all up again. i propose that we all make a lil plan for ourselves that allows for a lil dreamin each day. or maybe if you can't fit that in...maybe each week... for an hour or so... just sit down, or go for a run, or surf, or paint, or be yoga, spin, read... whatever it is... give yourself a chance to dream... dream without boundaries...without fences...without chains...without anyone holding you back. what i've noticed in this funny world we live in... it's the dreamers that are getting things done, that are changing the world, that are makin a difference. that's the crazy part eh? in every part of life, there should be dreams...even just to get you through the day. yes, many of these dreams will not come to fruition... but maybe if just a few of 'em get to sneak through and become reality...holy shit... how cool would that be, eh?! so cool! we have to at least allow ourselves that, don't we? a chance even...geez... they say 'necessity is the mother of invention' right? well, i don't know about you, but i need dreams...desperately...furtively...insanely...and maybe, sometimes unknowingly. as for me, on some days... they make life bear-able... like there's a lil hope just lurking around the corner, waiting to surprise me. so, this friend that is moving...she has big dreams... and i hope for her...because i know that we need to have dreams, but we also need them to come true sometimes. i know that it's like goin out on a golf course, and playing horribly the whole day, until somewhere out of nowhere, you hit an amazing shot... it's one of those things, we golfers love to say, 'it's that one great shot that brings you back.' yep... all we need is that one great shot to bring us back. in life... hell yeah :) it's what moves us on to the next one... that next dream. right on. so, whatever it is you're dreaming about, or your friend, next to you, is dreaming of... don't give yourself a hard time about it...just keep dreaming. but while you're dreaming, get up, and meet it half way...that's the only way you'll get there, by doin the work, payin the dues, and trudging forward. there are enough things in this life that will get in the way of what you want, what you dream of in the middle of the night, that will steal your happiness away... but... there are also a whole lot of reasons why you have to keep going... keep dreaming... keep living... keep being who you are... and keep doin the things that make you happy. i look around me, this very second, and i know why i keep goin... it's these steps, my family, my friends...this life...this love...this ocean. as small as it all seems...i'm in love with it all. deeply and clearly. i want dreams...i need dreams...i love dreams. so, go... dream... it can't hurt... or maybe it can... but that's just it, isn't it? you know you're alive when you're feelin somethin... it's when you stop feelin...that's when there's a problem. so freakin dream the shit out of each day...why not, right? why not? don't talk yourself out of it. don't we do that enough? i'm not only sayin this to you, i'm sayin it to me too. dream. ask yourself...what would you do if you could do anything? what do you want? where do you want to go? and then... go from there...each day.

worth repeating...

well, here we are... sunday mornin... sittin on my beach steps...coffee at my side... the way i like to start each day, most definitely. today i'm a lil unsure of what's going to be comin out of me... so, let me just say...whatever it is... thanks for reading it. i've been doin this for almost 2 years now, and i gotta say, it's been a fun interesting experience, just writing and throwin it out there for whoever wants to read it. it's one of those feelings that's kinda funny...when i hit publish, many things go through my head... thinkin of each person that reads it, how they're gonna take it...take me, really. i usually feel pretty hyped up, wondering how many people will peruse my words and get something from them...or how many people will be rolling their eyes at me...how many people might know exactly where i'm coming from...how many people will just think i'm a touchy, feely stupid girl :) it's kinda crazy, you know? having to just let it go, and publish it anyways... like tearing off a bandaid...or getting into a cold pool... you just have to do it quickly and know that that uncomfortable part only lasts for a second. which sorta brings me to a thought i had the other day... fresh from sleep... i woke up, with this thought in my head... a thought that i knew that what i should do is get up and write it down... because it was really clear at that very moment... of course, i didn't write it down, and later that day i was runnin the trails with a friend of mine, and as we run, we talk and tell each other jokes, stories, feelings, and sometimes things that we wouldn't tell other people, maybe... because when you're there, running, hoppin over roots and duckin under tree limbs, sweatin, you're at the most clearest spot in your thinking, it seems...what's inside of you, will come out easier...like that push that you're puttin out there, propelling your body forward and up and over objects...it's all easy compared. i can't really say that i've had many runner's highs...being that i'm as slow as a tortoise...haha...one of my friend's always likes to say, i think just to make me feel better...'honey, slow and steady wins the race.' thank god for that friend :) haha! anyways, back to my thought...sorry...i get a lil side-tracked. it happens. anyways, i woke up with the thought of language...and of words... of the simple words or phrases that mean so much. the fact that hearing them or saying them can make the biggest difference in our lives. that the repetition of them, no matter what...is way better than never hearing them or saying them at all. that certain phrases or words that are put together, are said in so many different ways. they are said out of anger, out of love, out of goofyness, out of sadness, out of jealousy... so, so, many reasons and differences... but they all come back to the same thing. that no matter what, there are some days, that we just have to have a lil faith and say them...if we feel them. now i thought about writing the phrases of which i'm talking about... but then that would make it too easy, wouldn't it? maybe it would be better for us to just keep those phrases to ourselves, but to know that they're there...inside of us. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... then again... nah... here are the one's, that for me, are worth repeating, as often as possible... with sincerity, with clarity, and with conviction... these little words, can be the biggest thing ever... it's how we use our words...how we live our words...how we put them into action, and just be the words... because as we know, words are words, they're just letters thrown together... we are the one's that can make them mean something. we can either make them powerful or make them meaningless. i guess that's what makes me love reading certain authors...you know, the one's that when you read a passage, you think to yourself, 'wow, that's amazing', that words can take you somewhere...make you feel everything... or wish that you could feel nothing because of the way they do make you feel. i think we've all probably been there...when you wish you could say or write the exact thing that is welling up inside of you, and all that comes out is something bumbly and gibberishy...haha...yes, as you walk away or look back at those moments that you wish you had the words, or you had hoped to be so much more eloquent...and yet there we are...later...thinking of the exact thing we should have said...and think...'why didn't i say that?' or 'why did i have to look so foolish?'...haha! oh, man, being human is a fuckin funny thing. just so full of mis-steps, and stumbles, and face-plants... but the grand part of it all is... the day that you say just the right thing... or write it in a note... or simply show someone you care...that you're there...or that you've been there. so, the words for me, that are worth repeating, generously...are these... i love you. thank you. i'm sorry. i was wrong. i'm here. i'm still here. how was your day? it's really good to see you. it's ok. it's gonna get better. you look beautiful. you're amazing. great job. i believe in you. i'm proud of you. i need you. keep your head up. i love you. oh, right, i already wrote that...i think these words should be used to excess...so, yeah, worth repeating. i think that the funny thing is...that those phrases, to me, are so important...and look, look at them...very short...very simple...and very to the point. no need to embellish. no need for a thesaurus. just right. there's a girl in my yoga classes that has a tattoo that says, 'love wastefully'. i asked her about it one day, because right in the middle of class, i noticed it, and ended up thinkin about it non-stop through out class...yeah, i know, i obviously wasn't concentrating on my practice. haha! but those words, those words...nice... i believe them... that no matter what... what's happening in your life... we should give them to some one... and yes, that doesn't mean that you're goin to get them in return... the person that you give them to, could very well, crumple those words up and toss them out. but then again, it could be the exact thing they need to hear, at that very moment. it might be the exact thing that you need to do...god, who knows? but in this life that's our very own, you know that sayin, "it's in the trying"? well, honestly, maybe it is... maybe after all of those times that you use your words, wisely, and yes, sometimes, very unwisely, if that's even a word. maybe after all that... maybe it will all start making sense... and maybe those words will come back to you, ten-fold... who knows? i think that maybe we just can't be afraid to use them...wastefully. but if you say them... wastefully. mean them. because after all...we are the one's that can make them mean something. either way... do just that... mean something. so, my waking thought, was orginally, just that there are certain words in the english language, that when put together, are worth repeating, maybe a million times over...and man, i can honestly say, they are very worth hearing as well. say them, write them, scream them, laugh them... over. over. and over. don't be afraid. after all, they're just words, right? haha! righhhhhhhhhhhhhht, righhhhhhhhhhhhht :)

people, places, and things...

it's funny,
even though i swear myself to write every other week,
it seems i just can't swear myself to anything.
i don't know about you,
but i end up finding any reason not to sit down and write.
it's one of those things, isn't it?
when you're supposed to do it,
when you set a date,
it seems so seriously committed,
that it stifles me from my thoughts or even my urge to get things going.
weird? yes.
abnormal? probably not.
guess that's something that happens to loads of people.
i've never considered myself commitment-phobic,
but maybe i am.
i don't know.
of course, there are different levels of this, i'm guessing.
for me, it's in the makin plans.
one week you say, 'yeah, dinner sounds great!'
then when the day arrives...life has happened...and yeah, dinner doesn't sound so great.
if i look a lil deeper...maybe that's why i have the job i do too.
there's no urgent sense of commitment there...
except for in the moment that i'm slingin bags, left and right.
when it's done, it's done.
even though it's the same movements, a lot of the same people, and the setting is the same,
each time it's different, because the tee times are never the same.
when we're busy, there's this frustrated sense of urgency of just wanting to get it done.
i guess that's what makes it so important to work with good people.
when you're sweating and running around like a chicken with your head cut off, you want to be doin that with someone you can count on, and someone you can laugh with, even though you're getting your ass handed to you on a platter, or in this case, many sets of golf clubs, and dirty golf carts. haha!
well...
so, there is a bit of commitment there, eh?
to each other, right? yeah.
i've had people tell me that maybe that's my problem with not finding a mate, or maybe the reason i choose the people i do...
i think of that quite often...
but i don't believe so.
because, honestly, can we really choose who we fall for?
i wish i had more control over that part, for sure.
i definitely think there's no control when that is happening.
there have been way too many times that i'm quite foolish and ridiculous...more times than i can count.
so, yep, no control over that.
maybe that's the problem though, for me.
i was sitting down yesterday, after a great workout, feelin pretty wonderful, and i came to the conclusion that when i'm home, i'm in this lil space that i've created for myself, and it's safe, and i'm sorta in control of it.
sort of :)
when it gets any bit of out how i want it...i feel my body tighten...i feel my sense of soundness shaken...my thought of 'this is my space' is totally screwed.
i was talkin to one of my friends yesterday about it...
deciding that this is definitely one of the things that calls for therapy. among many other faults i have. haha! geez!
as we were talkin about it, havin mojitos on my front porch, i was calm and relaxed, but even the subject makes me antsy.
i guess i feel as if the only place i do have any sense of control of anythin, is in my lil apartment...it's like my lil den of my soul...even though it's small by comparison to other people's homes...it's huge in my mind!
the sense of goodness and calm that comes over me by just walkin in the door is amazing...the silence of not havin t.v...the solitude of livin alone...one of the reasons that everythin does have it's place (but also because i'm obsessive compulsive...yet another reason for therapy...the list goes on, believe me...haha).
my problem lies in lettin go sometimes...
in not havin control, and being okay with it.
sometimes i'm totally unsure of just about everything.
of people.
of places.
of things.
all the nouns, yes.
and the verbs, most definitely :)
letting freakin go.
i was tellin my kids at school the other day...
'you never know how you'll do until you try'
haha!
sounds so easy, doesn't it?!
here i am, spouting this off to my kids...
and here i am...getting anxious about the most ridiculous of things...control.
i think i get that from you, dad...thanks :) haha!
one of our family jokes are the words my dad has said all of our lives..."here's the plan"...
meaning...here's how it will go because it's up to me and i make the rules. hahahhahahha!
funny thing is...
even writing this...i have no control. haha!
i just start writing, and see where it goes...
that's kinda loosey goosey, right?
yeah, i'm going with that.
so, here's my thought...each day, what i'm gonna try and do with one thing or another...is lose a little control...and just see what happens.
i don't know how that will go.
but if we're steering ourselves in a set path, always...how will anythin different ever happen? how will the results change?
geez, i have no idea, i really don't...but it's nice to be surprised too, isn't it?
the truth of my matter is different than your truth.
we all have to find our own,
and yet they may be closely related or extremely different.
the thing that ties us all together...is that we all have our truths.
mine...
i suck at commitment.
i hate a mess.
i'm not great at confrontation.
i let my heart get the best of me.
i cry at weird times.
i laugh at the wrong time.
i think all songs played, are played for me. haha!
i'm better to my friends than i am to my family.
i curse outloud and to myself...a lot.
when i get nervous, i speak out of turn.
i'm scared i'm not enough.
and yes, most definitely, there are times, i'm too much (that's part of my heart getting the best of me).
and i over-share...thinkin at the time, it's a great idea...afterwards, probably not so much :)
well, so, there ya go...
truths...
although they make me cringe a little, lookin at them, written down...
they are who i am...
and who i struggle to be.
or more aptly put, struggle against being.
i guess that's what makes humanity beautiful right?
because although, there's all that to contend with (and well, much more, i've only listed a few things in order to stop writing at some point. haha!)
we're still here together...and great things are happening all the time...things that we don't control or have no control over...life is still this crazily amazing and lucky thing that we have.
beautiful people!
beautiful places!
beautiful things!
yes! all the nouns!
and all the verbs!
surrounded by beauty, even in this mess i call my life! haha!
now that, my friends...that's what makes life so beautiful.
with all the faults, issues, and lack of control. i'm still here.
i guess that's what makes it easier to get up everyday and see what happens.
you won't know until you try right?
i guess i'll have to take my own advice :)

rushing home...

had the most amazing idea this mornin...
what if i could write my blog on my beach steps?
well...
here i am...
unsecured connection and all! haha! woohoo!
i have to tell you, this whole laptop thing...
it's a blessing and a curse...
because, basically, i can carry this thing anywhere with me...
anywhere!
i mean, seriously...
i am in my most favorite spot in the world,
at this very moment...
i mean, hell, i just watched the sun come up! yes! i did!
and it was glorious!!!!!!!!!!!!
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,
okay okay...
have to get over myself for a second...
there's a blog to write :)
so, i was driving home the other day,
and realized i was truly rushing to get there.
it was after work, and i had had a pretty long and tiresome shift,
full of slingin bags and serving people...on my best behavior...
and believe me...to be on your best behavior for 7 to 10 hours at a time..
well, that's just not so easy is it? haha!
sometimes you just want to scream!
but i can tell you what serving does for me...
it really makes me an easier person to serve.
i'm so aware of what's around me when i'm not at work.
anyone that's helpin me at a store or restaurant...
i go that extra mile to make them feel better about it...about helping me...because hey, we know where they're coming from, don't we?
you wanta put your hand on their shoulder and say, 'yeah, i know,' and 'it's gonna be okay'.
but anyways, i digress, as usual.
on my trek home...
i realized i was rushing home for no reason really.
except for the fact that i love my apartment.
i had gotten home that day, with a smile on my face to be there...
you know how you walk in your front door, and sorta let out a deep sigh or breath or even yelp out happiness just to be home?
yes, yes, yes,
that is how i feel most days.
that same day, i was doin a lil home workout...it's something i do when i'm not of the nature of goin out for a workout.
anyways, i was layin on my floor, doin crunches, and between sets, i was just lookin around the room, and i was thinkin about the things i have in my life...
i laughed at myself, because i was thinkin, 'apartment, i love you, i love that you're mine, but then again, you're not really mine are you? well, at least for the rest of this month you are, and i'm happy with that.'
then i just began to think of all the things in my life, at this very moment, that are exactly what i want.
exactly!
amazingly so...i have several things! i don't own any of them!
but, i'm happy in them...way happy!
it's crazy!
thing is in our lives, sometimes just takin that step back and seeing it...and the realization that yep, here i am, and here it is, my life.
my neighbor and i randomly share meals together, sit on the beach steps together, have drinks, go out to dinner and music, she's even been mistaken as my girlfriend (which we laugh about quite often)...
well, we were talkin about this stuff the other night,
and well, i was explaining to her of my rush to get home...
of the fact that i was literally rushing home, just to be home, not because i had anything to do, but because i love where i am, when i'm home.
how happy it makes me to walk into this place that i live in.
it's kinda funny.
in that same thought, i was thinking about needing the whole "real job" thing because, let's face it, i'm not gettin any younger...i'm a 44 year old woman that slings bags! haha! and when i expressed that to her, she said to me, 'why change that now, you've been getting by haven't you?'
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
yeah, i have.
and that's where the rest of our conversation went to...
out of all of my jobs i've ever had...
working at the golf course...i get up...i go...i do it...and truth be told, i sorta love it...for many reasons...
but the crazy part is, it's the only job i've ever been able to go to without regret or without thinkin, 'ugh, i have to work'.
so, in that vein, that's hard to beat, eh?
we ended our conversation sayin that there's somethin about being happy where you are...about walkin in your door and feeling comfortable and safe...something that is not able to be replaced with money.
no, i don't have everything that i want...
i'd truly love to have someone to share my life with...
but, the thing is, i have everything else that makes my life seem warm and i'm happy to be there...here...where i am.
for years and years i always dreamed of living in a cool place,
that i could hang out with my friends...
have dinners...drinks...
crazy conversations...listen to music...
play yahtzee and dominoes...
watch the sun come up...
read books...write and write some more...
and here i am...
exactly in that place.
god, i'm happy to be here...so happy.
i've been tryin to put together my back porch...and recently it's begun to come together...a couple times since getting it going...i've had friends over til late in the night...food, drinks, music, stories...candles lit...perfect nights in every way...
after each of them, i've smiled broadly, and thought to myself, and sometimes out loud...'this is how i dreamed it to be, surrounded by people i love, in a place that i love to live.'
it's home.
and i may not have all of the things a regular woman my age does...
but...
and this is a big but...(yeah, you can smile at that)
i'm also not a regular woman am i? :)
maybe life is exactly as it should be...
in seconds...in minutes...in moments...in days and years.
so, i sit here, in this moment, on my beach steps,
sun shining down on me, the sounds and sights of the ocean are part of me, in my pajamas, sippin on coffee (a lil cold now, since i came down here), and i know that i'm exactly where i should be...
and i'm lucky to be here.
maybe just maybe, that's one of the lil secrets in life, eh?
like a lil secret to contentment...
because at the end of the day, here we are...
and sure, most definitely, there are goals we should set for ourselves, or things that we want, places we want to go, people we'd love to be with...
but findig a little bit of contentment everyday,
in our regular lives, and knowing it's there...
and maybe even saying it outloud...
maybe that could make the difference in where we go, who we are, and what we want to achieve...
that lil bit of contentment that is so basic and simple.
lil dreams can make a life that much better.
we may not even realize how happy we truly are...til we look around...
and there it is, staring you in the face.
i'm happy to be right here.

'let the world know we were here'

so, i have been debating with myself on how to write this blog,
and keep all members in it, anonymous and safe.
and well...
it's not easy to do, i have to say.
but am gonna make a play for it...
so, let's just say...open mind is where you need to be,
whilst reading this story.
one can only hope.
and well, if you're here, most likely, and know me, i know already that you have an open mind.
mind you, i realize too, that being open minded has different levels...
ranging from wide open to slightly ajar :)
but...that being said, it all seems to be relative according the conversation we're having.
thus goes my story...
the other day i found myself in a situation that i wasn't quite completely ready for.
i may have over-reacted, and in thinking this, i decided to use a couple of my friends as sources of advice, as we all do in situations of life.
i feel as if i should explain a little about the happening, and then, basically, go from there...because it is not only what happened that matters, but my reaction, and the reactions of the friends and family that i spoke to about it.
this seems to have had an impact on me as much as the incidence at hand.
anyways, a long story short...
i was with a group of people and heard the word 'faggot' being used.
and not in the sense of a cigarette or a meatball, but as a general cutdown...
and just so you know...being a gay woman, it's quite often that you hear this word, or perhaps, 'queer' or 'gay' or even 'dyke' used in negative ways.
meant to be the lowest of low...
but, for me...it's personal...and when i hear it used that way...it affects me...
it makes me emotional...it hurts my feelings...and it enrages me...
all in all...it's a term that i can't stand...
granted...people say harsh words to each other all the time...
they cut each other down...
hurt each other, both emotionally and physically...
so, why, why does this bother me so?
just words right?
yes, they are just words...
i feel as if i am being remiss that i'm not explaining the situation further,
but suffice it to say...
i over-reacted a bit...but stepped back, as i noticed...took a deep breath...
and began to have a very passionate, two sided conversation that ended in an understanding way.
no, this doesn't always happen, when these words are uttered...
but in this situation...it was quite important to remain open and honest about feelings and such, that in the end, there was a new-found understanding...which is the best case of a worst case scenario.
i should also say that what a surprise it is sometimes in life that when something comes up that we deem important or vital to the next turn in life...we do treat it a bit differently.
when i was younger, i didn't really think about any of those terms...
about what they mean or how they may affect people.
it was in the coming out process and dealing with different circumstances of discrimination and hatred that i learned how important it is to speak up...
to say...'hey, that's not cool,' or 'do you know what you're saying?'
i will say time and time again how lucky i am to be where i am, and to have what i have.
to have a family and group of friends and a community that accepts me for who i am, and doesn't turn their back on me because they know who i am.
and here's the thing...
a couple days after my experience, i found myself in another conversation, re-telling the story, which i've only truly told to a couple people that are close to me...
the reaction to my story was kind of a mixed bag, because there were several people listening...
one of the people said to me that, 'oh, honey, you can't change anything, there's always gonna be hatred in world, and there'll always be people using those terms, people are discriminated against all the time,' and to that i replied, 'but if that were the case, nothing would ever change'...'when we're young, we are lead by example...hatred is sometimes taught...we have to be on the constant lookout to re-teach these things.'
the conversation went on, and there was a point that i had to get up and walk out of the room to gather myself, because obviously, this subject is personal for me and i believe in the fight of rights to all people...whatever the race, the creed, the color, the religion, the sexual orientation...because it's my feeling that using those words, and it being okay, well, that's where it all starts. that's where hatred is allowed to grow.
i believe that if we all sat back and just let things go, and didn't speak up...well, then that would be crazy and we would be being totally irresponsible for this human race.
i believe that it's insanely important to teach our young people the importance of language and how they use it to each other, with each other, and against each other.
it's never too early to learn this...
but it's the going about it...that's the hard part...
the taking a deep breath part...and speaking clearly...without judgement...and with the hopes of coming out the other side with a lil bit of peace and understanding from where you're coming from.
yes...it is a soap box that i've honestly not had to get on in awhile, being that i live this little life that i do...
being that, i don't have to fight for too many things.
being that i wake up in the morning, and have the freedom to do what i choose and be who i am.
not everyone has that luxury.
i am thankful for it.
but i'm also thankful that i can speak up and say what's what.
i know that we are not always going to agree...
the most important part...the most...is being able to hear each other.
i heard a song the other morning, on the way to work.
one of the lines from it states, 'let the world know we were here.'
so, in that vein,
here's my thought...
we have to stand up, even when it's on this small island, in your classroom, in your gym, or on a grander scale, the country you live in...
speak up, speak honestly, and listen...
because yes, you can and do make a difference.
if not you...who else is gonna do it?
don't leave it to others to change the world...piece by piece, we all can have a hand in it.
so, i've made it full circle from my little story of the day recently that i heard the word 'faggot'...who it came from was important to me, but the words spoken afterwards were more important.
it's sometimes not that easy to admit to the frailty of being human...of flying off the handle...of speaking out of turn...of making an ass out of yourself...
but then again...
there are times that we have to do just that...
'let the world know we were here.'
so, maybe in your daily life,
your comings and goings,
there are things that you hear or see...sometimes, first, we have to just take it in, then decide if it's important to you...these things take time.
they take, living life and feeling and experience to finally come to a point,
when you're ready to be heard.
we're all different...
we have different soap boxes, i'm quite sure.
but isn't that pretty damn grand?
i mean seriously!
several years ago, after one of the biggest arguments i've possibly ever had, i remember my dad saying to me, 'honey, i'm just so glad you have an opinion.'
typing that makes me smile.
because although i'm on opposite ends of the fence many times with my father,
he made me feel good about speaking up, whether he agreed or not,
and he loves me just the same whether we agree or not.
don't get me wrong, folks...not everyone is gonna love you, after you've said your peace/piece...
but it's in the trying that life is lived.
let 'em hear it...
you might make a lil crack in the world, and maybe some one will hear you.
all it takes is one voice...next thing you know...voices :)
stand up and speak.
'let the world know we were here.'

'remember who you are'

recently, i was at a friend's house, watching the super bowl...
and afterwards, we stood outside, havin this conversation about everything pretty much, known to man...our past...our present...and our future.
i remember thinkin how cool it was,
because it was actually one of my good friend's boyfriends that i watched the bowl with.
she was out of town with business stuff,
so, it was just him and i, and her kids,
hangin out...
we had subs and drank beer...
there we were, just watchin the game...
like peeps do...makin comments about the game and the commercials...
telling stories to her kids.
all in all, it was an interesting night...hangin out with this new guy friend of mine...
the kind of guy that gives massive man hugs...
the kind of guy that can build anythin...
knows every kind of plant...
can cook a mean breakfast...
he's thoughtful, kind, and loving to my friend (which is what you want for all of your friends right?)
i mean, this guy...he's the shit...he is!
anyways...i felt like i needed to describe him to you because something he said that night, has stuck with me...
i haven't been able to get it out of my head...
and i've been trying to think of how exactly i should share it with you to make it have the affect that it did for me or to me...which one of these i don't know...maybe both.
anyways, we were talking about our younger days,
about going out, the things we did and didn't do.
and he told me that when he got to the age that he was beginning to go out to parties and drink,
that every time he'd leave his house,
he said his mother wouldn't go into what his curfew was, because she knew he wasn't goin to make it, she wasn't goin to preach to him either because he probably wouldn't hear her...
basically, she would say to him...'just remember who you are'
he told me, when she would say that, he'd think, 'dang, mom, why'd you have to say that? anything but that!'
haha!
so, i've been thinkin about this quote non-stop...
'remember who you are'
hmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
who you are.
that's serious business, isn't it?
to know this, is to know all things...
or more truthfully, to know the most important thing.
it's really made me contemplate, who i actually am.
since then, i've been sorta listing things in my head of who i am...to me.
like where i came from...my family...how i grew up...the people i was surrounded by...
the people who taught me...if i studied...the churches i grew up in...
the crazy puppet ministry...yep...i said puppet ministry. hahahhaha! (that was for you, justin! hahahahaha!)
youth group...countless choirs and choir tours...
wacky hours spent playing basketball every chance i got.
tennis, tennis, tennis...pitching a baseball at my parents wooden fence, with a painted circle for the strike zone, sure that i was gonna be a pitcher for some amazing baseball team.
wow! that was loud! how did my parents just let me do that, over and over again?! haha!
the list keeps going, believe me...
thing after thing of which makes me who i am today...
and yet still...
there are days, that i just don't know.
where i'm goin, what i'm doin, or who i am.
a friend and i were talkin today, after yoga, as we were drivin home,
and she was sayin how sometimes she looks back at her choices in men,
and wonders, 'what was i thinkin?!'
we were both giggling about it as we were rollin down the road,
and we decided that these people that we look back at...we're not regretful about being with them...on the contrary...
we're happy we experienced it...because they're the one's that have helped us figure out what we truly want in a partner, and how we want to be as well.
so, even when the experience is not so great...we still usually learn something from it.
and some of them...well, some of them...you just have to be able to look back at, and laugh, and think, 'what in the world was i thinkin?!' haahahahha!
all of this stuff...all of it...
shapes and molds who we are.
so, each day, as of late...i've been walking out the door in the morning, and repeating that phrase to myself to make sure i'm paying attention...
'remember who you are'
am thinkin that it will remind me to pay attention to my words and to my actions.
i don't know about you,
but there are days, that i'm not so proud of what i've said or how i've reacted to something...
days that i look back and think, 'what are you doing?' or 'who are you?'
days that i'm just tired and unsure...
days that i wonder if it will all ever make any sense.
and i guess, the worst one is the fear that i'm not the person that i can be because i'm too busy trying to be someone else rather than just owning up to who i actually am...full of issues, failures, and idiosyncrasies...
yeah...i'm talkin about the pretty stuff :)
thing is...
our lives are full of this shit...everywhere we turn, there's a reason to give up, to stop, to not even start, to hate, or to not love...
yeah...everywhere...
but i think, it's exactly at that point that we have to remind ourselves to 'remember who you are'
because before anythin ever creeped in your head about doubt of yourself...you just did it...you just went out and did it...you dreamed it...you lived it...
then somewhere along the way, we forget who we are...
we forget what we're made of...all those little things that we grew up learning and doing and being...all of that.
the joy and excitement of it all, that's what we need to dig back into.
yes, yes, yes...we do learn a lot from the mistakes we've made, for sure.
i'm not denying that in the least.
but that good stuff...that good stuff that we had as kids...pure and simple...
without fear or regard of what we looked liked...
that's it.
in yoga class, when there's a pose that you can't quite get down into,
we use a block to assist us...and sometimes the teacher comes around and adjusts us because they can see our position a lil better than we can...there are also times that we hold each other up in balance poses, just by a simple touch.
the beautiful part of all of that is that when you walk into yoga, they're always reminding you to let go of all of that stuff that holds you back. basically, all of those things that you tell yourself, that aren't true...that sometimes we are actually our own worst enemies.
if we could get out of our own way, we might just surprise ourselves.
so, my thought is this...
maybe it's just a good idea to ask yourself each day to 'remember who you are'...
and in that remembering...a lot of good things could come to you and the people around you.
oscar wilde once said, 'just be yourself, everyone else is taken.'
but first you have to ask yourself something...
who are you?