what else is there?

i've just walked off the beach...and walked into my quiet little apartment,
and here i am...once again...writing some things down.
i've been trying to get out to the beach more often lately,
because soon enough, it will be a bit too chilly to just be in shorts and a tee shirt, comfortabley...then the hoodies and fleeces will have to come out.
honestly though...kinda like that time of year too.
less people and more time to just be out there, without a soul in sight.
it's an awesome experience to be sitting in the sand and listening to the sounds crash all around you...
and feeling like, you may be the only person hearing them at that moment.
i looked left and right today...and saw no one.
nice.
funny thing is...this time of year...is so perfect out...
doesn't make any sense that no one is there...taking it in.
like a wasted present or something.
anyways, as i said before, i've been reading a book by this krishnamurti guy...
i've decided that in order to find some understanding of it...
i can only read a chapter at a time...then somehow...
try and process it.
and maybe share what i've found with you.
i sat on the beach today, and laughed at myself,
because his words are so simple, but so profound...
that i'm struggling through each chapter...wondering if what he says is possible.
you know how when you're reading things and the words are making sense, but at the same time, you're almost fighting against understanding them,
because if you do...
that means...
everything changes.
the way you look at things,
at life...
at your life.
the fact that this guy believed so strongly in letting all judgement go...
all the things that we think make us who we are...
all of our beliefs and opinions,
he believed got in the way of seeing ourselves in truth.
geez!
living each moment without agreeing or disagreeing,
but just by being aware...and actually seeing things for what they are...
and looking at each thing...the things that we so often don't pay attention to.
i have to admit...it's a lot to take in.
but it seems so right on though too.
hmmmmmmmmm...
like basically, we get in our own way, by living on our past experiences, and not letting ourselves experience things while they're happening.
holding onto all of these ideals...may hold us back from seeing anything clearly.
yes...i'm totally jumping in here...but what if that is true?
how many of us are constantly finding this and that book to read, that helps us through struggles or issues?
i can say for a definite fact...that i do.
and believe me...i love reading and learning about different ways of life, and different thoughts on how to live...and how to be.
what's the best thing?
god, who knows!
we all have to decide that for ourselves, don't we?
and the other thing i find interesting about reading this guys works...
is that through his writing...he says every now and then...that he's not giving a lesson here on how to live or the right way for anything to be done...
he doesn't talk about right and wrong.
it's like being invited on a journey,
to scope things out, and let yourself go...
and calling out to yourself...on the things that you do out of fear.
fear of knowing or of seeing the truth behind all the things we hide from.
that's a pretty intense journey, eh?
i find it a bit overwhelming to think of, really.
but it's interesting as well.
while i was out on the beach this morning...
i layed on my towel...and read out loud, as i like to do...
when i put my book down, i watched the waves, and looked directly in front of me,
in the sand, picked through little shells, and began putting them in a little line on the end of my towel.
i eventually found three of the most tiny shells, of my favorite kind that are usually much much bigger...i was really surprised at how small they were!
so small that i had to squint to see the beautiful markings on them.
the swirls, the lines, the colors...amazing!
i sat there and was thinking...if i was standing and walking along...there is no way i would have even seen these teeny versions of my faves.
i would have passed them by, without a thought.
as it happened...in my stillness...i saw them.
and in that...i understood a little more of what i had just read.
i layed down, and just payed attention to what was around me.
i took it in, and enjoyed it, in that moment.
make no mistake about it...
as i left the beach...i picked up each one of those shells and carefully put them in my pocket...and now they're resting on one of my window sills...
maybe just to remind me to look around, and pay attention...
to each moment.
the people, the places, the things.
maybe it's possible to try and be content in each moment,
if we're more aware of life as a whole.
as for me...it's definitely a work in progress :)
but i'd like to think that each second, each minute, and each hour that goes by...
is a chance to breath it all in, and be in it.
oh, wow!
the possibilities in this life are endless!
and yes, so are the challenges...but man, oh man, we are so surrounded by living movement...by change...by life...by love...
by beauty...and by greatness.
what else is there, but to walk forward, eyes up, and see what happens?

who am i today?

it's been a week and a half since last i wrote something...
and to be honest...as usual...
i was just waiting for something to grab ahold of me.
i've had a few different thoughts about things i've been going through in my life...
and things i've read and heard along the way...
and i kind of throw them in this file in my head...
like, 'yeah, i can use that someday'...
well...maybe this is the day i need to yank out some of those files
from my head.
and use them.
one of them happens to be about the spirit...about our spirit.
our yoga instructor, the other day, was talking about how big it can be...
that basically, there's only a certain size that you're body will ever grow to...
but the spirit...
the spirit is a different thing all together...
it has infinite possibilities of growth...there's no limit, basically,
to how big it can be.
when he was talking about it...
i think we may have been in child's pose...
and i was thinking to myself, how wonderful that sounded.
that our spirit has no boundaries, no limits, just endless and infinite growth!
it made my heart smile to think about it.
i mean, seriously...
just imagine yourself as this constantly moving, everchanging,
limitless spirited person!
wow!
the thought of it, made me want to jump up and run out the door...
and do everything possible to rise above and do what i dream of doing...
no matter what it is or how impossible it seems.
i don't know about you,
but so many times in my life...
i have these great thoughts...and before i know it...
i'm talking myself out of them...
not sure at all if they're possible...
or if i'm talented enough to make them happen...in the way i envisioned.
how amazing would it be if all of us could just rely on our spirit,
to get us through each struggle?
to know that it was infinite enough to guide us through.
that feeling of spirit and lightness...gives energy to good things in our lives.
we make good things happen when we fly forward and believe in ourselves.
and then we take others with us!
"our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate...it is that we are powerful beyond measure..."

the other day i went out to the beach to drink a cup of coffee and start to re-read a book i had started many years ago...it was a pretty deeply serious book, and
i was seemingly not ready for it at that time.
but the other day, i decided to give it another go.
you know how sometimes you can read something one day, and it means one thing to you...and then read it again, a year from then, and it means something completely different, or maybe it just grows in meaning to you...adds on, sort of.
well, i read the first chapter that day, outloud on the beach.
for me...i feel as if i can understand and take things in better,
if i read them aloud...yeah, this may sound strange...but honestly,
it's kinda nice.
anyways, the first chapter was strong and to the point.
and i was really blown away by what it said.
so blown away, in fact, i had to put the book down, and process the words i had just spoken out loud to the ocean and to myself.
jiddu krishnamurti was the author of this book...
he was viewed by many to be one of the greatest thinkers and religious philosophers of all time.
he believed that in order for the world to change...there had to be a radical change in mankind...and he travelled for many years, speaking to many people about these things.
he had no ties to any religious denomination, or political party, or country...he believed all those things contributed to world's problems.
it was interesting to read into how he believed in we, as humans,
figuring things out for ourselves...
not holding onto what we've read or heard or believe we know from others...
that many of us, live off of second hand knowledge from others.
that we're always looking for an authority...
but when we do...we're living through someone else's eyes.
through their thoughts and feelings.
not ours.
we can rely on no one else but ourselves to bring about this change.
he said a mind without fear is capable of great love.
when we make this journey to figure out who we are...
we have to travel light...leave behind the opinions, prejudices, and conclusions...and move forward without the weight of the old furniture that's been travelling around with us for 2000 years.
i have to say that, for me, it was pretty mind boggling to read all these things...basically, to reject all authority...
and just live, paying attention inwardly and outwardly...
and start from scratch...
forget all the things you've been taught...
all the things you've thought about yourself.
wow...
that's a lot...
but it's also pretty interesting too.
i guess it's just another way to let go.
and live.
there are days that i'm not sure where i'm going or what i'm doing.
i tell myself, 'i can't'...
when what i truly need to do is just believe.
i give myself a hard time about certain things i feel...
when truthfully, we're all just human beings.
we're told from an early age...how everything should be...
but that's the great part about growing older, isn't it?
learning that a lot of what we're told,
isn't for us...and that we get to decide how we live...
and who we are...
and the path we will travel.
the even greater part of that is... that we can change our path...
as we grow and learn more.
each day maybe when we crawl out of bed,
we should ask ourselves...
'who am i today?'
and be all of that...
just be you.

brighter thoughts...

i've been racking my brain to think of what it is,
that i could say today that could be the one thing,
that some one needs to hear to launch them into a good feeling,
or a better mind set,
or just a greater day, in general.
whew!
that is definitely a big thought, isn't it?
today, in yoga...
the instructors were talking about brighter thoughts and feelings...
how many of us have them, or know some one who is that brighter thought,
who brings that lightened feeling into the room,
or into your life, for that matter.
and sometimes,
to be honest...
all it really takes for me...
is a look,
or a smile,
a pat on the back...
of course, i really love hugs...
really good, wrap around kinda hugs...
where you can rest your head on some one's shoulder,
and just sorta lay in there...and let go...let your breath out...
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...now that's nice.
but there are days too, that there's no one around to give you all that...
and you're surrounded by strangers, who don't know you, or reach out to you,
or even care what kind of day you're having.
that is definitely the time, we have to dig within ourselves,
and think those bright thoughts...
or remember those good feelings that we've had with certain people,
or even a day that was just light and easy, and every corner you turned into,
was a good one.
life is never gonna be only full of good things...
sometimes the bad parts are there just to remind us,
how lucky we are to have so much good...
or just to teach us about the good that we seem to be unaware of.
some days i'm caught between this place of being surrounded by people,
and this place of being completely alone.
to find the happy medium is a struggle.
but i manage to find it most of the time.
sometimes, when i get home from work or yoga or spin or just a place that i've been in the midst of a lot of people...
i just sit...
in the silence of my apartment...
and breath in the sounds of the room.
somedays it's a nice feeling,
and somedays, not so nice.
it always seems to depend on what's ahead of me,
or what i've just left behind...
what i'm scared of doing...
my fear of wandering through life, without purpose or direction,
my fear of failure,
my fear of not thinking i'm as good as the person next to me,
the fear that when i pray, wondering if anyone hears me.
yes, it seems i have a lot of fears...and i do.
but i also have many reasons not to fear.
i'm surrounded by these reasons, day in and day out.
by the sun coming up everyday,
by being able to get out of bed and walk on my own two feet,
by having a healthy heart, mind, and spirit,
by having a job,
by paying my bills,
by having my crazy ass family, just down the street from me,
by being lucky enough to have friends in my life, that i've met along the way,
that know who i am...and still care for me, and love me, even when i'm wrong and i make mistakes and look ridiculous, they are there...
so, you see...
that light comes from the craziest places.
the most simple and easy places sometimes.
and maybe on even the darkest of days,
we can just look to that one thing,
that can bring us back into the light of being,
and therefore,
shed some light to the person next to us,
that is having just as hard of a time to survive as we are.
because, in truth, we are all here together...
as many times as you hear it or say it...
and as obvious as it sounds...
that light that is inside of you,
is bright enough to get you through your day...
and possibley,
have an amazing effect on some one else's too.
so, somehow, even with the fear that invades your head,
we just have to keep reminding ourselves to be brighter...
that that brightness, on it's own,
is our saving grace.