life as i know it...

let me start off by sayin...well, hello, first of all...
it's been quite a bit of time, as my lil hp hasn't been feelin all that well...but now with the help of some cool peeps at a computer store, i'm runnin full steam ahead.
not havin a workin, steady computer for awhile, surely changes the way one does everything...how i go about my day, how i have no idea what's goin on in the world of facebook, how i know of no news of the world, basically, since i don't own a t.v. either...
i mean to tell ya...wow! it took a few days to get used to the fact that i didn't have anything but myself to entertain me when i was home...
but eventually, silence was golden.
i accomplished so much more, i got to sleep at an early time every night, i read books at a lightning pace.
so, all in all, the loss of the computer for a lil bit, wasn't such a bad thing...just something to get used to, like anythin.
it was so funny, the day i got it back, i felt myself frustrated with tryin to get it back on track, and i realized it was the first time i had felt that way since it was gone.
sooooooooooo, basically, for me...technology, as it is such a wonderful thing, it's also such a firestarter as well.
here i was, loungin my way through my days,
maybe listenin to my old school, clock radio that i've had since my first year at fsu...that being '88...yep, i said it...'88! haha!
and it still works!!!!!!!! haha!
anyways, that was literally, my only form of noise for my apartment.
hilarious as it is...it was easy, once i got used to it.
a friend and i were talkin the other day,
and we were laughin at how people look at you when you tell them that you don't own a television...like, literally, they look upon you as if you were some sort of alien creature fallin from the sky, about to try to abduct them and take them to the lost world. hahahaha!
it's actually quite awesome to witness!
but i seem to going off on a tangent here,
so, let me get back on track.
i've been laboring over the fact that i haven't written in so long...
and also that i'm not really sure what to talk about.
so many times when i'm writing, things just come to me...
i worry a lot about writing about the same subject area, over and over.
i am kinda that girl, you know? (life, love, and the pursuits of happiness)
but in writing, they always say...write what you know.
i guess sometimes, and often, in my life,
i'm not totally convinced i'm very good at it.
writing, that is...and well, maybe life either. haha!
i like to tell a story, here and there...
relay a joke...
give some inspiration...
or just tell you what it's like from my lil perspective.
and, i guess that's all we can do in this life, right?
we have to live according to us...
not others.
it amazes me still, that at my ripe old age of 44, that i am overtaken by the view of some one else...how they're gonna feel, or what they're gonna think of me, if i say this or do that.
i find that sometimes i hold back or neglect to say something if i think it's gonna be interpretted in the wrong way...or i just agree, or say nothing, when i so obviously disagree.
and yes, mostly i just do or say whatever comes to me...
but i know too that, there are times, that living that way,
isn't always what its cracked up to be.
and yes, i'd like to say that i always learn from my mistakes,
but as i'm learning,
i don't.
i'm still ridiculously stupid, unrealistic, and dreamy,
in more ways than i care to describe...
suffice it to say...there's comfort in knowing that i am who i am.
and mostly, if you look around you...
the people that know you, they know this about you.
they know your history or as we gays like to call it, if you're a girl,
your herstory :) haha! you know me, i'm always trying to give a lil education, here and there, about how the other half lives...
that being my half :) haha!
anyways, the only thing i can speak of or write of,
is what i know and how i see it.
i definitely can't speak for anyone else...
and who would i be to try that, anyways?
i do love the fact that in this pursuit of happiness,
what comes with it is a whole lot of stories...
some good, some bad...
a few hilarious ones...some really lame ones...
some over the top...and some way below the surface.
but that's just it, isn't it?
what would life be, and who would we be without these stories?
so, when i do fall directly on my face,
i do know that eventually, i'll make it back to where i am,
and maybe move a lil forward and get a lil smarter.
then again...geesh...who knows?!
as i often think about,
me being gay in this really small town,
so many people encourage me to leave...
that i need to get out of here, if i'm ever to meet anyone.
the funny thing about this small town is that, for me,
or for any gay individual, small town, big city, whatever,
everyday is like another day to come out of the closet,
and be who you are...and tell people about it.
not necessarily walk around shouting it out or havin a rainbow tattoo on your forehead,
but with each new person that you meet,
eventually, the subject comes up...and the coming out process begins again.
the cool thing about it is...
it does get easier, and i've found myself more and more willing to be questioned about it.
for if people don't ask questions,
they're never gonna understand...
and accept it, as just a part of life.
just like anyone else...hoping to have moments of happiness,
and another person to share those moments of happiness.
i realize too, that i often speak of how challenging it is to be single as a gay person in a small community.
i know though...that it's hard either way...gay or straight.
i feel that if all gay people that lived in small towns thought to themselves, 'we need to move outta here', then how will people ever learn?
how will they ever come to a point of understanding of acceptance,
if we're not here, where we live, showing that we're just like anyone else?
the thing is...
here, in this small town i live in...i feel accepted...granted, there have been times that haven't been so pleasant, i can't lie...but there are so many amazing things about this place and the people in it.
sure, i don't have a community of gay people to spend time with, it's true...
but i have a community of friends and family, that i love and that love me, for who i am.
after all...community isn't always about being around the people that are exactly like you...it's about our differences...it's about facing them...it's about accepting those things that we may not understand, but listening to why they're so different...and maybe figuring out, that the things that we thought made us so different from another person, aren't really as vastly different as we thought.
so, in a way, me being in this small town, and being part of such a minority...it's actually kinda cool...in some strange way, it makes me feel special, if you can look at it that way.
and well...it's my home and i love it.
what i've realized is that whatever it is...
acceptance takes time...it's sorta on it's own pace.
it may be frustrating sometimes...and lonely.
but rest assured, life as i know it...is life as someone else knows it as well...if i just take the time to look around.
that old saying, 'knowledge is power'...the more and more i think of it, the more and more i realize how true it is.
it seems, the more we know, the more we are.
or maybe the more we are willing to let ourselves be.
look around you...look at how different we may be from the person next to us...
but how about...we meet in the middle, and figure out how much we have in common first, and then go from there?
it could make our numerous differences seem more workable.
there's a difference between tolerance and acceptance.
i've been made very aware of this difference...
and i can tell you this from experience...
acceptance feels like a million bucks compared.
i promise you that.
so, the next time we're ready to look at someone and think we know who they are or what they're going through without even so much as a word...
why not ask a question or two?
you never know until you ask.
because if there's anything that i have learned,
we're not as alone and different as we think we are.
and heck...that whole melting pot idea?
there was something behind that...
we ARE that.
it's one pot...not a bunch of separate pots...
just sayin...
sooooooooooo, maybe stir the pot sometimes...
it may make whatever or whoever is in it blend a little easier :)

benefits...

well, it's been a perfect sunday...
i was off...
and i did absolutely nothing.
which gave me much time to look back on the last few days of another crazy georgia florida weekend, here, in fernandina beach.
always full of people...always quite memorable in some way, shape, or form.
most definitely :)
at the end of one of these kinds of weekends too,
it's easy to look back and think...'oh, my god, i drank too much, ate too much, screamed a bit, and stayed up way too late!'
but...
in the same breath, it's also one of those times that you have to remind yourself to live it and have a good time while you can...while it's here.
after all, the next georgia florida game isn't until next year.
right?
right.
funny thing is, i'm a fan of neither...i'm an fsu girl, that happens to always cheer for whomever is playin the gators.
but i'm a huge fan of being with people i care about,
people i can have some laughs with,
people that you look forward to breaking bread with,
people that you can tell your ridiculous stories to,
and laugh so hard that there's this funny squeal of breath trying to come out of you.
all of those things...
hey, you need to grab 'em and roll with it.
this really goes for just about anything.
it's quite easy to think to ourselves...'hmmmmmmm, i'll stay in, there'll be other times to do this or that.'
and yes, we should listen to our inner voice when we're tired or just not feeling it,
but there are also those times that we have to make a lil more of an effort to live, to laugh, to love, and honestly, just to have one hell of a time.
because don't people always say, at the end of your life, will you be angry at yourself that you shoulda taken a longer nap or you shoulda worked longer hours, or tried to make so much more money?
noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
life, my friends...
life...
must be lived.
must be loved.
must be jumped into feet first...or is it head first?!
i don't know.
but how bout this...
there's always so much freakin time to be serious,
to do serious business types of things,
to take ourselves way too seriously.
geeeeeeeeeeeesh!
i know as for me...
i always look back at a night that i've laughed insanely with my friends, as a night well lived...a night i can look back on, and still laugh about.
now that...that's a good night.
there can't be enough of those.
nights that at the end of them, your knees are hurting like they have rust in them from dancing so hard...that when a friend walks up to you to give you a hug, you worry that you're way too sweaty from dancing, to be getting a hug...but you hug anyways, and you laugh and say it's good to see each other.
you hear things that make no sense, and you think to yourself...'what in the world is this person talking about?'...but you can't even hear yourself think because the music is so loud.
the next day you wake up, and your voice sounds like it's been dragged across the hot pavement...and in some way, it seems pretty damn sexy.
yeah...
those kinda nights.
there are those days afterwards that i sit and feel guilty that i did all of these things...after all, i am 43.
but then when i think about the people i did them with...
well, then...
then it all makes sense.
i was talkin to some friends this mornin while we were eating breakfast together, and the subject came up about the fact that as we get older, we are more apt to decide quite simply that we do not have time to waste on being around people that we don't want to be around.
that our lives and our time seems to be getting more and more precious, and we feel that it is important to choose wisely how we spend it, and who we spend it with.
now yes, this may seem a lil brash or too honest...
but think about it.
haven't we all been in situations where we're at a party or out with people and we look around and think...'why am i here?' or 'i don't really want to talk to any of these people' or 'man, i don't have anythin in common we these yahoos.'
but for some reason we stay and then the next day someone asks you if you had a good night the night before, and all you can think to say was that it was weird or that you just weren't feelin it or that it was just okay.
yeah...it happens.
more often than not.
those are the nights that we have to give up the ghost and go home...watch some hulu, listen to some tunes, or read a book.
but those nights,
those nights
that you're with your peeps...
the people that get you...
that laugh...that make you feel like home...
that you can say whatever it is that you need to say and feel safe saying it,
those nights that you look into the crowd and your entertained by everything around you...
now that, that, my friends, that's the kinda night, that you just stay out...
that you just pay for your sins the next day.
that when you talk about it, you find yourself shakin your head back and forth in the middle of the story. hahahahaha!
those are the kinda nights that remind you that you're alive.
still.
and that you still have some fight left in you to do all of the other things you have to deal with in this crazy life that's going on all around us.
yes, it's easy to get taken away by all of the bad that happens in this world...
the madness and mayhem can easily sweep you away.
it's those friends and that family that can bring it all to a halt,
and give you grand reason to smile, to laugh, to dance, and to love,
and to some days take it just a little less seriously.
i know, i know, as you read this, you may be thinking, 'obviously, honey, you probably should go out less, and get more serious about your 401k'...
haha!
and yeah, you're most likely right.
but...
and this is a big but...
we're all different aren't we?
i've desperately wished i was one of those kinds of people.
business savvy, money minded, career oriented...all of that sounds awesome! really, it does!
but...i've also realized...
it's just not me.
i'll leave that to other people.
maybe i'm here to laugh, to love, to dance, to write, to be a good friend, to spin, to yoga, to shoot hoops, to cook, to listen to awesome music, to run trails, to make other people laugh...
ohhhhhhhh, i don't know...i'm still tryin to figure all of that out.
i have been on a constant search since high school to figure all of this out, and there are times, when someone i have just met, asks me what i do, that i'm embarassed or feel a bit like less of an outstanding individual because i don't do something that provides benefits or that i make minimum wage plus tips...
yes...for those few minutes that i first meet people...i'm very aware that i'm not on the upper end of the food chain of careers...
but i hope too, that once we talk longer,
that none of that will matter.
and to the good people,
the people i want to spend my time with,
it won't matter.
it won't matter at all.
i always joke about the fact that everything that i like to do, i can't make money at...it's a fact of life.
and it's my life.
and it's a good one.
so, on this sunday of georgia florida weekend...
my voice is hoarse, i've been using a heating pad on my lower back from too much spin, too much yoga, too much dancin, and too much bag slingin. i've taken my glucosamine chondroitin with msm, i ate a mack daddy breakfast, cooked by people i love, and was just delivered an apple cream cheese poundcake by the best neighbor i could ask for.
benefits...
yep...i think i have benefits.
they may not be traditional benefits...
but i surely do have them.
i'm imagining, if you look around...you probably have 'em too.
and what i can say to that is...
stay up too late.
laugh too loud.
sometimes, not all the time, drink too much.
dance til you can't stand it any longer.
talk to the people you love til you're blue in the face.
watch the sun come up.
look at the moon at 3 in the mornin, when you're getting home and smile.
remember these times, my friends.
those are the benefits of life.
the good stuff.
what it's all about.
and, as a lot of people seem to be saying lately...
'that is all' :)
go dawgs.

first chilly day...

wow...so, i realized just recently that it's been over a month since i've written...
i don't know where the time goes sometimes!
each week i kept thinkin, 'man, i need to write something...'
but then the days turned into weeks and then a whole month went by!
whew!
almost a month and a half, really!
so, here i am...
back at it...
thinkin maybe, oh, i don't know, i'll just put something out there.
i think maybe too, that i have been busying myself with life so much that i forget that i should sit down and record some thoughts and feelings about what's going on around me.
because as we all know...there's always something goin on.
loads and loads of things everyday,
even if it seems like the most usual blah kinda day,
you can be rest assured, that somewhere, something is going on.
maybe even without notice...
kinda like the crazy bushes and grass in my back yard...
they've grown up like wildfire, all over the place,
and it looks like a jungle out there...i usually avert my eyes as to not remind myself that something needs to be done with that wildness. haha!
i weed the front porch area because once i'm done, it looks so much prettier and neat and clean (and it makes me feel accomplished when i do it, if for no other reason)...but all it takes is a week to go by, and those wacky weeds are all over the place again! holy cow!
stuff that we don't want is always poppin up all over the place!
which maybe brings me to a thought for the day...
just maybe :)
at the change of seasons and in different times in our lives,
we go through a period of cleaning out or clearing out.
things that we've been looking at for days, weeks, months, years...
we all of a sudden decide, 'okay, it's time, you're outta here'.
be it spring cleaning,
chopping off our hair,
shaving, (my favorite. haha!)
cutting the grass,
clearing out friends we don't talk to anymore on facebook,
breaking up with partners, spouses, and friends.
all of these things are part of how we clear up and move on.
it's kinda crazy how sometimes we just need the momentum of a good book, a movie, a song, or even the first chilly day of fall, to inspire us to do the things that we know we need to in order for our lives to be better, to be cleaner, to be more beautiful to look at and live in.
thing is...
it's kinda like pruning a plant...
cutting off the old dead parts, in order for it to grow stronger,
in order for it to grow with renewed energy,
with renewed fullness.
because in time, it all does grow back.
and sometimes in the wildest of ways, that we hadn't even imagined.
but that's the cool part about life...
it's so unexpected and out of our control!
we are in control our of actions...and no one else's.
so, it's up to us each and everyday,
to make an effort to renew and revive and re-fill.
to clear out and clean up.
we must always keep watch over what we do and what's growing around us...
because the weeds and dead stuff that cling to us,
have to be cut back, pruned, and thrown out,
in order to keep growing...up and out.
it's a daily process, this life.
taking it all in, and deciding what to keep,
what we can learn from,
what brings us down,
what picks us up,
and what holds us back.
decisions, decisions, eh?
i will leave you with this poem by hafiz,
a friend of mine sent me long ago, (it's on my wall in my kitchen)
when i was having difficulties in my days...
and please excuse me, if i've already posted this one
on a previous blog...my memory sometimes fails me...
but there is some good that can come out of reading things over and over again...we can pick up things hadn't seen before.
like watching a movie a few times, and realizing you hadn't caught this or that from the first or second time watching...
great words are sometimes best read several times over,
and in different times in our lives, we may understand them better or in a different way.

"we have not come to take prisoners"

we have not come here to take prisoners,
but to surrender ever more deeply
to freedom and joy.
we have not come into this exquisite world
to hold ourselves hostage from love.
run my dear,
from anything
that may not strengthen
your precious budding wings.
run like hell my dear,
from anyone likely
to put a sharp knife
into the sacred, tender vision
of your beautiful heart.
we have a duty to befriend
those aspects of obedience
that stand oustide of our house
and shout to our reason
'o please, o please,
come out and play.'
for we have not come here to take prisoners
or to confine our wondrous spirits,
but to experience ever and ever more deeply
our divine courage, freedom and
light!

~hafiz~

i think that maybe sometimes in our lives we just have to take stock, check things out, and see what's growing rampantly that maybe we didn't even notice about ourselves.
things that maybe all we really need to do is grab a set of clippers and prune away.
the other side to that coin is that what grows from it could be the best thing ever! maybe what you've been looking for and waiting for all along.
it's easy to miss sometimes, because there's lots of weeds that have pretty flowers attached to them, and it's hard to differentiate between the two.
that only means we just have to pay closer attention.
after all...
this life is ours for the taking.
why not take it and live it?
for '...we have not come here to take prisoners,
but to experience ever and ever more deeply
our divine courage, freedom,
and light!'
rock on, my friends,
and prune away!

it takes all kinds...

so, here we are again...
back on the page.
i've been havin some thoughts this week about the way we are.
you know how sometimes it seems that when you're with certain people, you're one person, and then with others, you're another?
kinda like that.
and sometimes, i guess too...i think i give myself a bit of a hard time about being who i am, in certain instances.
i think i've talked about that before.
being our own worst critic.
i guess there are points in life that we all just do that.
whether we are comparing ourselves to others, or just having one of those days that we wonder what the heck is going on inside our heads.
each time lately, when i begin to have a negative thought of myself, i try to remind myself that it's not that bad...
and after all, it could always be worse, right? right.
which brings me to my thought...
the world needs all kinds of people.
this is one of the things i try and remind myself of, when i think , 'honey, what are you doing?' or 'why did you just say that?'
the funny part of life is that it takes so long to get to a point that you begin to even understand who you are, why you do things, and what makes you react.
there have definitely been some times lately that i wonder to myself...'okay, i'm 43, i've been through this before, why exactly am i making these same choices, if i already know what the outcome will be?'
i have no freakin idea! i really don't!
it's completely idiotic, but there i am, doing the same thing over again.
i have decided that for no other reason than just hoping for it to be different, is why i do it. yeah...stupid...surely.
but that damn word, hope...geesh.
dreamers.
i am a dreamer.
it's ridiculous, the amount of dreaming i do.
the stories that go on in my head about what will be.
you can't even imagine.
and the hope that i have in my heart and soul...i can't even explain.
because one would think...
after you learn your lesson a few times...
there would be no dreaming...there would just be reality.
reality sets in and i gotta tell ya...it's not pretty.
but somewhere, somewhere deep inside,
that little ray of hope begins to fire up all over again.
how is it even possible for our hearts to go through the things it goes through, day in and day out, and it's still able to beat?
the amazing strength of the human heart.
it honestly knows no bounds...none!
and in all reality...
in my strange little heart...i kinda believe anything is possible.
i know it sounds ridiculous to say out loud,
but after reading story after story of the amazingness of life,
i have to say, maybe i just dream it to be true.
that anything is possible.
there are dreamers and realists.
lovers and haters.
cynics and idealists.
extroverts and introverts.
but the one thing that seems to link us all together is the need for all of them...and the need for humanity.
i found myself in an online sort of argument the other day with a total stranger...the subject area being women in sports.
and after about the 3rd reply, you start to realize that both sides of the argument that people begin to have with each other, are true, at that very moment, to the person that is arguing.
they're believing whatever it is that they're stating...
enough to keep the argument up, it seems.
for a long time in my life...i didn't have a voice...i was afraid to say anything out loud that put me on one side of the fence or the other...afraid to rock the boat or state my opinion.
always worried that i would look stupid or get all bumble-headed and the wrong words would come out of my mouth (as they do, still, when i begin to have a discussion with anyone, because i get nervous and lose my cool)...nothing comes out right then (and my heart is beating like a drum)...and then later, i always think of what i should have said.
but that makes no difference, in the end.
what makes a difference is having an opinion...and yes, even saying it out loud...just because.
you don't have to argue.
but i think it's good to break out of the habit of keeping it to yourself.
i find that there are certain things that make my heart beat, just a lil bit faster, when they are brought up in conversation.
and i know myself well enough to know, what they are.
i'm pretty sure, if you sit back and think about it...
there are certain subjects that just get you going.
you wouldn't be human, if you didn't have those things.
but that's the thing...
that's the cool thing about life!
it's great to be passionate.
the world needs passionate people...people that stand up.
people that say what they think.
yes, sometimes, it's not what you want to hear at all.
and sometimes, it can take you down a few notches.
what we have to remember is who we are.
that each and every one of us, has guiding principles.
we may not have them written down anywhere...but they're there.
we walk around with 'em everyday, and they're not the same as everyone elses, and that's okay.
maybe this is all still part of 'this i believe',
but the further i get into that book that i'm reading,
the more i know that life is so full of just about everything.
in yoga all the the time,
the different instructors are always saying...
'don't believe the lies you tell yourself'
it may sound funny.
i know for me, i lie to myself quite a bit.
believing this or that...saying i'm going to do something, that i know i won't do...thinkin total bullshit about what i'm dreamin about.
or just thinking i can't do something...can't is some kinda shitty word.
that is definitely the point that realism is important.
what happens when we can't face the truth of life?
we keep lying to ourselves.
and it just keeps building until you don't really know what's happening at all.
every once in awhile, i'm reminded of this...
and then i start over again.
you know what they say, when there is an end, there is always a beginning.
for myself, i think...yes, i'll just keep dreaming.
it's what i do.
it is who i am.
we need all kinds of people.
it may be hard to stand up, at times, but i figure, if i don't stand up, who will stand up for me?
life is full of chances for us to figure out who we are, what we want to fight for, who we ache to be, who we want to be with, and where we want to go.
i'm still tryin to figure it all out...who isn't, i guess?
i guess if we can just be true to ourselves,
that could solve part of the battle all together.
no fences, no walls, no armour.
just you.
that could be a good start.
and here i go...beginning again.
i know one thing, for sure...
i can't be anyone but me...no matter what anyone says or thinks about me.
it's something i struggle with less and less, as i get older...
but i still manage to be too hard on myself about being me.
maybe a lil reminder to all of us...
we're all sort of perfect in our own lil imperfect ways.
whatever it is.
roll it out there, and believe in what you do or say.
be the truth.
it's all you got.
just go from there.
it's a good start.

'this i believe'

i'll start by sayin this...
i've recently started reading a book called, 'this i believe'...
it's amazing and full of truly inspirational stuff.
it's basically a book of essays written by famous people of the last 50 years, and also some not so famous people mixed in the bunch.
the essays are about what these people believe in...
their core feelings about life, that take them through each day.
this has made me sort of think about my beliefs and how i feel about certain aspects of life that are easier sometimes not to think about.
it's made me think that if i were to write an essay like this...
what would i write?
think about it...what would you write?
how would it start?
what would be the hook?
the guiding principles of your life...wow!
i mean, seriously...that's something you really have to sit down and put some thought into.
some of it though, maybe isn't nearly that hard to know or to relay to others.
by the way we live.
by our example.
the way we walk through our life...or run.
the way we talk.
our actions.
our interactions with others, whether it be family, friends, or complete strangers.
our compassion and passion.
so many things that could be the center of what we believe! geesh!
if you have been reading my latest posts,
you will know that this summer i've spent quite a bit of time, out in the ocean, trying to learn how to catch a wave...
and just a few days ago, my dad bought a longboard off of a surfer guy, and now it is sittin on my back porch, waitin to get dipped into the ocean.
it will happen soon...and i am completely nervous, scared, and excited, all at the same time.
which brings me to a couple thoughts about 'this i believe'.
each mornin i have been reading a couple of the essays, as to not fly through the book, but sort of savor each lil essay, like it was a morsel of the most delicious plate of food, ever.
i think some books are meant to go slow and some devoured.
anyways, for the last week and a half, i've been telling my friends of this really crazy awesome feeling i've been having.
like i'm walking on air.
like nothin can bring me down.
i break out into a smile for no good reason.
i can't really explain it, but it's just there.
it all started on a day that i came home from spin class,
and as i was driving home, i thought to myself,
'i have two hours til work, instead of just hangin in my apartment, i think i'll run down to the beach and catch some waves.'
and i did.
it was a really cloudy day, and i could see a storm brewing in the distance,
and pretty much as soon as i got into the water,
it began raining.
i was the only one out there.
the waves were flowing in kinda perfectly.
not too big, but not too small.
just right.
for a good hour, i caught wave after wave, during the downpour,
and on occasion, i found myself just smiling, laughing, and i even howled
a few times, after trimming off to the left or right.
i ended up catching the best wave so far of the summer...
and i was the only one to see it.
it felt like slow motion...it was a perfect feeling.
at the end of it, i was pushed so strongly to the sand,
i didn't even realized i'd gotten scratched up a lil bit, getting thrown off my board. i just stood up, and laughed and screamed, 'woooohoooooo!'
i walked home afterwards with a huge grin on my face...
when i went to work, i told my story to the young man i was working with, and we both just laughed and talked excitedly about how great life was in that very moment,
which turned into a whole other conversation.
standing there, this young guy, i only met a year ago, because of work, began to tell me what he thought of me...
and i have to be honest...i don't think i've ever heard anything as kind and as sweet as the words that came out of his mouth.
so, there i was, out in the heat of the day, with this young guy, half my age, and all i could do was look down at my running shoes and cry.
since that day, i've felt differently about a lot of things.
i've carried this happiness in my heart that's made me feel so incredible.
trying to explain it, makes no sense really.
and why try, anyways?
when i run into people, and they ask me how i'm doing...
i can't think of anything else to say, but 'i'm amazing',
'life is great', 'i couldn't be better', and the list goes on and on.
i think sometimes the thing we have to remember in our lives,
is that happiness comes and goes...
it's like a visitor.
instead of trying to figure out why or how or how long will it stay...
i think maybe we should just enjoy it.
and when someone asks you how you're doing...tell them.
spread happiness.
which brings me back to 'this i believe'.
this mornin i read one by oscar hammerstein...you know rogers and hammerstein. yep. the big time.
anyways, this is a lil snippet from what he wrote...

"i have an unusual statement to make. i am a man who believes he is happy. what makes it unusual is that a man who is happy seldom tells anyone. the unhappy man is more communicative. he is eager to recite what is wrong with the world, and he seems to have a talent for gathering a large audience. it is a modern tragedy that despair has so many spokesmen, and hope so few."

my thought is this...
yes...there are tons and tons of things that we could complain about.
yell about.
argue about.
be pissed about.
but there's also a whole hell of a lot of things to be crazily happy about.
to shout out to the mountain tops about.
to dance around about.
maybe they're small things...
but a lot of small things put together, can equal up to a pretty darned good life.
i, honey deacon, believe these things...
i believe in showing your heart.
i believe in the power of words.
i believe that if you love someone, you tell them and show them everyday.
i believe in not going to bed, mad.
i believe in saying 'i'm sorry'.
i believe in standing up and speaking up.
i believe in playing til there's no play left in you.
i believe in the joy of laughter.
i believe in the kindness of strangers.
i believe that good friends can make your life that much better.
i believe in wrap around hugs.
i believe in the sublime lovelyness of a prize. (giving them)
i believe in the equality of all people.
i believe that happiness does not come from the stuff you have, but by how you live, and how you treat others.
and yes,
i could go on for quite awhile, it seems...
but...
i'll just stop there.
think about it...these are our guiding principles of how we live.
not to be taken lightly...but not to be so serious that we forget to just smile, laugh uncontrolabley, and maybe do a lil fist pump, hands in the air and everything :)
so, the next time someone asks you how you're doing, and you're feeling absolutely unstoppable...by all means...tell them...just like that!
people need to hear that good stuff.
a lil HFD terminology...'fo sho fo sho!' haha!
question is now...
what do you believe?

this very moment...

so, i've just gotten back from a trip out to the great northwest...
and when i say great...
i mean GREAT! :)
the weather couldn't have been better...
the food...
the beer...
the people...
the city...
well...just everything was absolutely how you'd want it to be when you take a trip.
as i was on my adventure, and sort of walking tour of the city on a few different days, it took me back to my lil stint of living there, and this is what i came up with...
although i did come back, maybe a bit too soon, and maybe didn't give it the chance that i should have...i know too, that so many things fell right into place upon my arrival home.
in life, it seems, we can look back on decisions and wonder if they were right or wrong, kick ourselves a little bit, being unsure of what we've done, and maybe even regret the choices that we make out of gut instinct or whatever you would like to call it.
a friend and i were discussing this last night, and i was telling her about walking around portland...and how, on a few occassions, i thought to myself...'wow, honey, maybe you do run away from things too quickly, chicken out, not have enough faith in myself to just get through.'
as i was thinking this about portland and missing all of the things that this city has to offer, that home can't...
i was brought out of my dreamy thoughts, by my phone ringing...
taking me right back home and one of the reasons why it's so good to be there...
it was thomas, asking if i could come and pick him up for a play date. haha!
when i answered, it just made me laugh, and think...
'you're in the right place, honey, you don't need to question it'
which brings me to some other thoughts on this crazy life we live.
i've realized lately as well, that there are many times that we don't listen to our hearts enough...or we just don't go on our instincts...what feels right...
because for some reason, we're not really sure it could be right.
well, to that i say we have to start listening ever more deeply to what's inside of us...because 9 times out of 10, it's right on.
i'm always surprised by the sheer power and fact of how that happens...
how it's right there, in my face, saying, 'here i am'...
but there i go...not trusting...not believing...not having the faith...
in the one thing...
my gut, my heart, my instincts, my intuition...
yes, yes, yes...
we all have different thoughts and feelings and names for this thing,
but i think maybe we can all agree that it's there.
not outside of us...but inside of us.
each one of us.
the key or the answer or the trick is...
to start listening to that voice.
to step out of the crowd and pave your own path.
carve it out just the way you want it, because it is all yours.
we have this life to live...
and to consistently go with your gut, might be just the ticket.
i don't know about you, but for me...i get scared...
i sometimes just don't have an idea of which way is up, where i should be, what i should be doing...
but i do know, after this amazing week that i had in portland,
that i am in the place i should be...for now.
what surprises me the most is that it takes leaving to sometimes understand what it's like to be home.
i was completely surrounded by loads of strangers for the 8 months that i lived out there, but was somehow able to find a sense of love and understanding and peace that i may not have been able to find, sitting here, complacently, in my lil beach town.
it helped me in so many ways, that i'm still discovering.
and that is one of the truly amazing parts of this journey of life that we live.
i am so lucky in so many ways, it would take ages upon ages to enumerate all of the reasons for my luck...it makes me smile, just thinking about it.
so, when we look back on our decisions, our choices, our past...
don't worry...
don't fret...
the reasons and the regrets are just things we have to feel, then understand, then just tuck away, because there's so much more to do and so much more to learn.
i've been reading this book about mindfulness and meditation,
and it's really reminding me, if nothing else,
to stop and look around...
to be aware of the smallest of things...
and to take them in and appreciate the moment for what it is.
a moment.
but at the same time, it's a moment in YOUR life...
you have to notice that!
and finally, i'll leave you with this...
one of the other reasons i was out in portland was to attend a wedding of a very very dear friend of mine...
i kid you not...it was one of the most fantastic and beautiful weddings i've ever been to...not only because it was out on a horse farm, surrounded by the hills and valleys of the oregon countryside...but because there was this astounding feeling of love...of acceptance...of family...of celebration...of being surrounded by warmth, and yes, sunshine (they do have that in oregon sometimes. haha!)...
but what it reminded me of, and also made me know that i wanted in my life...
was to surround myself with the people that make me smile just because they walk in the room...that make me laugh...that make me remember and know what it feels like to be loved and cherished and taken care of...that have respect for you even if you are different...that have something to share that will help you grow as a person...and that maybe sometimes, even take your breath away.
here's a quote from 'on the road' by jack kerouac,
that maybe explains this a little better and more eloquently...

"the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everyone goes 'awwwwwwww!"

you see...
i have this...
and i am lucky,
and in this very moment,
it is as it should be,
and i'm here, right now, in this place,
and i am happy.
we do get to choose certain things in our lives.
choose wisely, because it's all yours...paint your landscape as wildly and passionately as you want to!
live, laugh, and love, my friends, live, laugh, and love.
and listen to your heart...it knows what it's talkin about, most assuredly so.
'...and this is the wonder thats keeping the stars apart...'

'the meet up'

soooooooooooo, this is my 43rd posting...
and being i'm 43, i was thinkin, well, maybe it should be something...
extraordinary! haha!
but after much thought, and back and forth on what it should be about...
i think i'm gonna go with a laugh...
instead of my usual sap...
that, i must say, is kinda just me,
but...
being laughter, sometimes is the best medicine...
maybe i'll just truck it on that way, and see how it goes.
before i relay this story of my life,
let me just say that i will give no names, in order to keep the people in the story, safe from harm, laughter, and perhaps ridicule :)
as to not harm the innocent, right? haha!
in the last few months, a friend of mine's mom,
has been talking non-stop that i should meet this girl she knows...
that she's way cute, in shape, long blonde hair...the whole nine yards.
anyways, she's been talkin her up quite a bit,
whenever she comes to visit and we're sharing mojitos on the porch...
because, lets face it...mojitos on a breezy porch...yep...pretty much the best!
so, a couple weeks ago, i'm at work, and i get a text from my friend saying,
'my mom's in town, want to grab a drink with said cute blonde girl?'
well, i think to myself...okay...i guess this is what we single people do...
we meet people...so, i say yes, as long as you're there too.
we set the date and the next day rolls around, as they usually do...
my friend and i hop in her car, and proceed to the meet up place.
as we're rollin up in the parking lot, she tells me, 'well, i really don't know this person that well, it's mostly my mom's idea...we should make a signal to each other, just in case this doesn't go well'...
i, of course, am all for the signal thought.
and here we go...
we walk into the back porch area, as it is a really nice breezy afternoon on the beach, huge waves, surfers surfing, people ordering up cold beverages...
it couldn't have been a more perfect scene for a late afternoon meet cute.
we walk up to the table and if the first few minutes was any sign of what was about to come along, i maybe should have started running then. haha!
but...as they say...sometimes you just have to be patient, and give a person a chance to reveal themselves to you...as i figure out later in this 'blind date' scenario...maybe the revealing kinda thing...mmmmmmmmm...not such a great idea.
and yes, that will be explained later as well.
so, anyways, there we were, being introduced...
she had sunglasses on, where i couldn't see her eyes, in the least,
and she gave me a point with her finger, and a 'nice to meetcha' kinda handshake...
then said we all needed a drink, as she raised her arm and shouted for the bartender, at the top of her lungs...
at that point, i kinda already knew i was in for an interesting evening.
after the first 10 minutes, i get up to go to the restroom,
or more like, escape to the restroom,
and as i'm coming out,
there she is...walking towards me...
she says to me, 'hey, come to the bathroom with me'...
and i say to her, 'you know, that's okay, i just went, i'm gonna head back to the table, i'm okay'...
but she says, 'no, no, no, come with me...then we can talk'
and to that i'm say, 'no really, i'm okay...i'll just go back to the table'
but to no avail...she keeps saying the same thing, and finally, i just go with it...
we walk into the restroom, and she proceeds to walk into the stall, without closing it, i'm guessing thinkin i would follow her in, so, i lean forward and close it for her, and stand in the bathroom, as she asks me questions about myself.
such as...'are you bi-polar?', 'how old are you?', 'how old do you think i am?', 'is my age going to be a problem for you?'
yep...all very interesting conversation, i must say. haha!
so, we finally are done with that...and as we're walking back to the table, my friends are walking towards me, and she asks what they're doing, and they say that they were actually coming to check on me. hahahhaha! she's perplexed at why this is...but the night keeps going.
at a certain point, i see out of the corner of my eye, my friend's mom, asking her if she wants to trade places and sit next to me...(argh, nooooooooooo)
next thing i know, she's right there, laying her leg against me,
and every few minutes or so, reaching over and massaging my knee, and lookin over at me with a love-lorn type look...zoiks, i want to cry out for help! haha!
and by that point, the signal has not worked...
drinks are being drunk, and it just keeps getting better.
without my knowledge, help was sent for by the way of text to my ex and her girlfriend, that miraculously show up and a few other people as well.
by now, the table is jam packed and i'm trying desperately, to not even look over at the 'not so cute blonde girl'...as to not give her anymore reason to touch me or think i was walking out of that bar with her...next thing i know she's having a big conversation with my ex, and hitting on her, whilst her girlfriend is standing right next to her...yep...a winner, i say! haha!
to cap off the entire evening with no less than 10 peeps, sitting at the table,
she pulls up her shirt and shows her bare breasts to the table...(and not for just a flash second, but more like a good 20 seconds, of just standing there with her shirt up)
fortunately, for me, i was sitting next to her, and did not even look her way,
i saw enough out of the corner of my eye...
and by way of everyone else's faces at the table,
i was completely mortified and amazed, all at the same time.
i will say though, that the looks and the silence at the table,
were the most hilarious site to be seen and heard! hahahahha!
with a packed bar...it seemed like crickets were chirping for those few seconds, just at our table alone! hahahhaha!
to end it all...
she sort of just disappeared into the woodwork, stumbling away, and not saying goodbye...
which, to be totally honest, i was not sad for that adeiu at all.
and even better...
the rest of the night was quite fun and full of laughter...
dancing, talking, and embibing til the lights came on, and we were shoo-ed away by the barbacks.
re-living it the next day was quite a hoot, and as i've told the story several times to my friends...we've all had a great laugh...perhaps, a bit at my expense, but laughter, just the same.
which, as we know...it's good to have a good laugh...even if it is about yourself, and your so-called dating life. haha!
and it also goes to show you...
sometimes, when you think it sucks to be alone...
the night that i had is a good reminder that i'm okay just the way i am.
and perhaps, even more so, everything comes in its own time.
that was definitely not my time. haha!
it was a time, that's for sure though! and hey, we all have had those, here and there.
i guess the key is to not take things at second or third hand,
just as good ole walt whitman would say...
"you shall listen to all sides and filter them from your self."
tis true...no one can tell you the answers or whats best for you, better than you.
'song of myself', baby cakes, 'song of myself'.
you gotta just trust that what's inside of you is gonna get you there...
and then you'll know.
who knew all of that could come from the worst 'meet up' ever! haha!
goes to show you...you can learn something from everything :)
even from loud talking, knee massaging, bathroom jabbering, boob showing, dates...
yep...we can pull some good from even the worst of nights.
live and learn.
and above all...laugh.

dig deep

let me start off like this...
well, actually, let's just say that life is full of surprises, right?
i mean, think about it,
every corner we seem to turn,
there's something there that we had no idea that we were going to see.
the other day i had a few early mornin hiccups to start my day.
first i was just getting ready for work...
and low and behold, my goofy toilet had decided not to flush...
i thought, 'well, okay, just get ready for work, and i'll worry about it later',
then i get to work,
and we have to do this battery watering thing on our 80 carts...
yeah, not a big deal, but to start off, this new little tool we do it with,
was fighting with me...by, basically, spurting water all over my shorts,
and even a few times, straight in my face. haha!
at that moment though, i was bit frustrated, being it was 6:30 in the mornin,
and i was not quite ready for the fight of the day.
because let's just admit right now,
that somedays are just that...
a fight.
everything we do, every person we come in contact with, every situation...
is just a fight.
at a certain point, between the takin of deep breaths to keep myself in check,
my partner i was working with walked inside the pro-shop,
and i was left, sitting quietly in my cart, looking down at my running shoes...
when suddenly i noticed this writing on the lil plastic parts that cover the end of the shoe strings...one said 'dig' and the other said 'deep'.
i was struck by the depth of those words, right there in that moment.
dig deep! wow!
it took me on this whole thought of my life,
and of the lives of the people around me.
how on somedays, relatively speaking,
we have to dig deep within ourselves to just make it.
to not explode at the slightest of things.
to not just give up, and go the wrong way.
it reminded me too, of how easy my life is...and how lucky i am.
and yes, even the luckiest people have moments that digging deep is imperative.
we all have to do it at some point or another, right?
no one gets to escape from it, really.
there are just different degrees of digging that we must do.
and the digging deep can also be brought to the table of being new...
of having the mind and attitude of a beginner.
i've heard this a few times lately...in different ways.
basically meaning that when we're new at something...
there's an excuse for mistakes,
we can look idiotic or goofy,
we can laugh at ourselves,
and it's okay.
but once we become good at something or experts...then there's less of an acceptance for errors...we're less likely to go out on a limb, and jumble some shit up.
we begin to think, 'i can't do that, i'll look stupid'.
we become too serious about ourselves.
we forget to laugh it off.
that's where the breath comes in...and that's what i've been learning about in yoga, and through reading different books on mindfulness and meditation.
learning that taking a deep breath in, can cleanse you and calm you, all at the same time.
today, i went to a yoga class, that honestly, i was thinking was one thing, and it turned out to be something totally different.
when i first walked in, i thought, 'what in the hell is this?'...
i was the only one for the first few minutes,
and i was feeling quite a bit, self conscious and gangly.
but then in my head i thought to myself, 'okay, honey, just go with it, and see what happens.'
turns out...it was kind of an interesting way to go about yoga.
i ended up having to really listen to the cues that the instructor was giving,
and the set up for it, also put the different poses into a new light for me.
it was slower and more mindful and there was a lot of focus on breathing.
i walked away from that class being pleasantly surprised by an alternate perspective of the yoga i usually go to.
because, honestly, when i first had realised that i was going to be doing something different, i was not really happy...i wanted my regular class...i wanted to be at home in that...but...nope...
there i was, on this circular mat, with this pod thing in the middle, and me wondering...'geesh, i'm glad this will only be an hour' and 'should i make a run for it?'
but i didn't...i stayed...
probably too, because i didn't want to hurt the lady's feelings that was teaching it, as pissy as i felt that it wasn't my usual class.
we humans and change...why is it so hard?
i don't know.
but i gotta tell ya...i'm glad i stayed.
which brings me back to the whole thought of 'dig deep'.
yes, none of the things i've talked about today are huge reasons to dig deep...
but as you know, very well...
life is full of moments and chances and reasons to do it...
to just dig deep.
to find something within us to pull us through, whatever we're going through.
big problems, small problems.
new things, old things.
i think one of the secrets is that sometimes, maybe,
looking at things like we're beginners,
and listening and paying attention to the cues of life,
well...maybe it could be the way to go.
embarassingly so, at 43, i've decided recently,
to start boogie boarding...
yes, it is funny...and my friends usually have a good laugh about it.
believe me :)
but the honest thing about that is...
i really love it.
the freedom of gliding across the water on the sole power of a wave...
i kid you not...it's a really cool feeling.
i find that every time, i go to stand up at the end of a ride...
i'm smiling, as i'm wiping my eyes clear of the salty water.
it's a refreshing and wonderful feeling to have, i gotta tell ya.
point being...
why not do something out of our box...
out of our realm of seriousness...
something you might want to do that may make others laugh that you're doing it.
who cares?! really?! who cares?!
as we get older, and become these experts...we can't forget that feeling of being a beginner...of digging deep...of working through all of those mistakes and failures...and building something within ourselves that's beautiful and amazing.
we all have it somewhere in there, in our hearts, that sometimes, we forget to use, even if it is beating strongly for us...we forget to listen to it.
and for some reason, we don't trust it.
we forget that each day is a day that we have to dig deep.
to live and to be.
i leave you with this...
if on any given day, you're feelin as if you're not going to make it or that you're not enough or you don't have the skill for this or that...
think this...'i am large; i contain multitudes'
yep...walt whitman happened to know some stuff, it's true.
the truth is in that quote, completely...
you may have to look hard...
but it's there...
you're there...
multitudes, my friends, multitudes.
so,
be the beginner, always...
and,
dig as deep as you can.
you may surprise yourself.
geez, for that matter,
you may surprise everyone around you.
wouldn't that be a treat?

you must travel it for yourself...

let's hop right in, shall we?
there's been loads of talk recently between my friends and i about love...
yep...right...huge surprise...haha...
but it's been making me think about a couple things,
that seemingly can only be expressed in the comfort of my little hovel i live in...
in the silence that it brings...
and the solitude that is, my home.
i think the thing that a lot of us forget is that mostly, love is...
unmanageable,
uncontrolable,
wild and insane,
not understandable,
and pretty much, just a big freakin surprise when it hits you!
so, when people come up to you and say this or that,
about what you need to do about your life and love...
the truth of that matter, lies within you...
not them...
never them...
it's all you...
so, get all the opinions that you want...
hear all the criticisms that people have to say...
the advice out the wazoo...
but again...
it's all you.
most people are coming from their own places in that lil part of their lives...
their love...
their loss of it...
their injuries and scars...
their disbelief in what is or isn't.
yes, yes, yes...you will hear plenty of people disuading you from it.
telling you...it's not possible...
but again, here we are...
it's just you.
no one can tell you to not be in love...
because to do that, they must have no idea what it feels like to be there...
or they must also think that it's possible to talk yourself out of how you feel...
nope, not possible.
if that were so...sometimes, as we all know, that would make life a little bit easier on the heart.
but, my friends and family, life is about living...
it's about seeing...
it's about tasting...
it's about touching...
it's about feeling all there is to feel!
whether you get dropped right out of the sky on your head or not,
that is the part that's not easy...
just letting go of all of that shit we hold onto,
thinking we're safe from it all.
we're never safe from it all.
and anyways...geez...
why do we want to be so damn safe?!
and noooooooooooo, i'm not talkin of wearing a helmet while on a motorcycle,
or going the speed limit,
or makin sure to use your blinker...
we're talking about out and out, love, you guys...
love!
or more simply,
just feeling how you're feeling,
and being okay with it,
and expressing it...
because it's all fine and good to know this or that...
but if you always hold it inside,
and you never let it out...
what happens to it,
what happens to you?!
ugh!
yes, it's scary, don't get me wrong...
laying yourself on the line, is more scary than anything...
but...
not laying it out there...
hmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
that may be scarier...if that's even a word!
haha!
i know, i do hear myself talking about this a lot,
and yes, i may be thought to be a fool...
i am a fool...in just about every way, for sure.
but one thing i know and i've learned as i've gotten older,
and grown into this body and soul of mine,
is that you have to say it...you have to put it out there...
and you can't listen to everything people are whispering in your ears
about your love...
you are the only one that feels it, and knows it, and what's it's like to be there.
but you have to be there...
because no one can do that for you.
i'll give you a lil quote action from one of my all time favorite poems,
'song of myself', by walt whitman,
and maybe it explains this life in a simpler way...

"i know i have the best of time and space, and was never
measured and never will be measured.
i tramp a perpetual journey, (come listen all!)
my signs are a rain-proof coat, good shoes, and a staff
cut from the woods,
no friend of mine takes his ease in my chair,
i have no chair, no church, no philosophy,
i lead no man to a dinner-table, library, exchange,
but each man and each woman of you i lead upon a knoll,
my left hand hooking you round the waist,
my right hand pointing to landscapes of continents and the public road.
not i, not anyone else can travel that road for you,
you must travel it for yourself.
it is not far,
it is within reach,
perhaps you have been on it since you were born and did not know..."

how beautiful is that, just to tell you that you must travel that road,
no one else can do it for you.
it's all you.
when you lose faith in what is, or what you believe,
and wonder which way to go...
maybe what you're looking for...
is you.
and maybe just maybe, it's in you.
not the person, sittin next to you.
just you.
all of those answers...right there...
in you.
am thinkin you're gettin the picture now :) it's you!
i read somewhere recently that if you ask for a lot,
you'll get a lot...
but if you ask only for a little,
you'll only get a little.
maybe in this life of ours we should listen a little more to the things that move us...the things that make our hearts beat faster...the things that make us smile and lose it...the things that just make you wanta dance around the room (i did that today a little, by the way...awesome, it was!)
so, there you go...
life is for the living, my friends...
wild, crazy, and free...
ask for a lot!
check that landscape out and travel that damn road!
it's yours!
put on those good shoes, and start walkin...
hell, maybe you should run! haha!

the life that is waiting...

welcome back to my lil blogosphere, my peeps!
as always i have some stories to share with you on this thursday of thursdays.
just fresh home from a sweaty spin class, drinkin my second cup of jane...
you may ask, why do i call it a cup of jane instead of joe?
well, the reasoning would seem to be quite obvious...
one of my favorite drinks in the world...
yep...should be a girl's name...not a boy :) just sayin...
okay, okay...onto the thoughts for the day...
per usual, life is quite full of happenings and crazyness...
who's to say what's good and what's bad?
it's all perception, right?
so, in that scheme of things i will say this...
my life is not completely chock full of crazyness really...
just mostly happenings, i would say.
a little over a week ago, my brother's wife had their second child.
i was lucky enough to be at the hospital when he came into the world...
little emmett leo...
i can't say that we were in the room for it...but we had the door cracked...
and we listened to this great transformation of life.
my mom and i stood there, listening, while julius, their other son, was waiting hopefully to meet his new bro...
at the first sound of his cry...all of our faces broke into smiles, and we scooped julius up and danced around and laughed...
perhaps his face was one of the best things to see, i have to say...
he just smiled and giggled and said his name...'emmmmmmmmetttttt', (in his high pitched lil sweet, soft voice he makes when he's being gentle)
and when we walked into the room to meet the new addition,
we asked julius what he thought of his new brother,
he said, 'i think i love him' and 'i missed you, emmett'
pretty much everyone in the room took a big sigh, hearing that untainted voice of love from a lil 3 year old boy...
it sorta took me back to before julius was born...
the nervous feelin of being unsure how life would turn out for my younger brother and his wife...how they'd make it...being so young...and already, a baby to add to their lives...
the crazy part of it all is when i found out, at first, that they were having julius, how i thought, 'oh, wow, this changes everything'...thinkin my brother's dreams of life would be dashed...
but how wrong i was...
i can't imagine life without that little boy, julius.
he's amazing to me...and hilarious...and full of love, wildness, and happiness.
to think that when i walk into the room, when he's in it...how a smile rips across his face, and he calls out my name and is ready to be thrown all around and given every hug and kiss available.
it goes to show you how amazing life can be, without even knowing that it's happening right there, in front of you!
life is so full of these instances that seem so regular, so simple...
and yet...AMAZING!
i heard a quote yesterday that fits into these thoughts pretty well...
"you must give up the life you had planned in order to have the life that is waiting for you."
these words come from joseph campbell...a mythologist, philosopher, and writer...
the guy that coined the phrase...'follow your bliss'.
so, what i'm thinking is that there are days that we come across things that seem as if they will be obstacles, that will make our lives harder...
something we hadn't planned for...
but then again...
just think about the other side of that...
once we climb that mountain...
walking down the other side of it...thinkin, 'wow, i went this high?'
it takes me back a few years ago, when i went to california to run a half marathon with a couple of my friends...
it was in big sur national park. the beginning was a straight climb, then the middle leveled out, then another really steep climb...
once i made it to the top, the half way point, and went to turn around, to go back down the hills we'd been running up...i looked out to the valley below, and thought to myself, 'holy shit, we came a long way! this is beautiful!'
yeah...
that's kinda how life is sometimes, isn't it?
it's quite full of moments that will blow you away...
the secret is...
you have to pay attention...you have to notice...you have to take your time.
because the things that we don't plan for,
are the things that surprise us the most...
who knows what's waiting for you just around the corner?
all i know is, that whatever it is...
is what it should be...
and that is 'the life that is waiting for you'

grabbing desperately...

"we are people who have lost our peace.
having lost it, we look for it everywhere...
we more than look;
in fact, we grab desperately.
until we remember that our own capacity to love is what we truly seek..."
those words are from marianne williamson...
i run across quotes by her all the time,
and i have to say, they all have such greatness and depth...
and well...love.
which, as you know...i kinda love :)
anyways, i felt like starting out my lil blogosphere with a bit of love today...
and honestly...i kinda like to start off with a lil love everyday...
wherever it may come from...accidentally or on purpose.
last night was friday, and i've been a bit of a hermit this week,
so, i had it in my mind that i was going to get out...
if not for too much, at least for a drink.
so, i went out for a late drink/snack with a good friend, at our local spot, that we always tend to migrate to, because it's comfortable and relaxed...
one of those places that you know the people that work there,
and the usual suspects that go there as well.
anyways, we were sitting there and talking about our day's at work and otherwise,
and, of course, i launch into this story of a grocery store visit that i had had that afternoon...i don't know about you, but there seem to be those days, that people just speak to you...and they tell you of their life and what's going on in it...and yes, these are people you don't know at all, but for some reason, they're talking to you.
so, basically, on this trip of mine...i had this kind of experience...an older woman just began to talk to me as i was getting out of my car to go inside...she was sweet and by herself, and i guess just wanted to tell me that my car was cute, but then launched into why she lived on our island, and that all the reasons she moved there, were moving away...
the thing is...i realize that, when i was sittin in my car, door open, finishin a text to a friend, and i looked up and saw this lil old lady rollin her cart next to my car, i was smilin and said hello, and asked if i was in the way, and that i would take her cart when she was done with it...that's all it took...and there she went...telling me her story.
i guess sometimes that's all it takes is an ivitation by way of a simple hello or smile.
and yes, i know that there are days, that we just don't have time to stand and listen or be patient enough to let someone just talk and say what happens to be mulling around in their heads...they obviously need to spill it, so, maybe it's just something that happens...and sometimes we have to just let it happen.
by the end of my grocery trip...i was checking out and the cashier went on a 10 minute spree of these really terribley sad stories...
i have to admit, it was strange to hear, because i don't know this woman personally, but for some reason, there she was, telling me her stories that were trapped in there somewhere, in her head.
there were 3 people in line behind me, and i felt their eyes boring into me, or maybe more like wondering if this woman was ever going to stop talking...it made me completely nervous, and then made me feel very sorry for the cashier, wondering why in the world she was telling me all of this?
i walked away in a state of sadness at this woman's stories.
an innocent trip to the grocery store,
and there i was contemplating the loneliness of the checkout lady.
geez.
as i was driving away, there was another older woman, walking across the walkway...
very very slow...as i sat there and waited...it took me into this whole state of thought of how she would make it around the store...how would she get her bags into here house...was she completely alone...
needless to say...i cried driving out of the parking lot,
thinking of these women...alone in their thoughts...and in their lives as well.
which brings me full circle to the drink i was having with my friend,
and the stories we were telling each other...
because during all of that,
a few of my other friends walked in,
and stood there for a few minutes,
we all hugged and talked and laughed with each other...
and the thought that rings true to me, during those moments with the people i love and care about...looking into the eyes of these people...and knowing that what each and every one of us is looking for, at the end of the day, is a few human souls that understand us, that hear us, that love us even with all of our frailties and failures, and misguided thoughts and actions...
that right there...they can look into your eyes...and know you...without fail...
and yes, sometimes even without logic :)
because let's face it, there seems to be no logic in love...
they just don't go together most of the time.
which is cool...everything can't make sense in life, right?
a little mystery is good for the soul, i say.
so, let me repeat...
"we are people who have lost our peace.
having lost it, we look for it everywhere...
we more than look; in fact, we grab desperately.
until we remember that our own capacity to love is what we truly seek..."
i'd like to think that as we desperately grab for this peace,
that along the way, we can find some bit of solace in the eyes that we are looking into...whether it be a friend, a family member, a partner, a wife or a husband...
but someone.
george elliot once said..."blessed is the influence of one true, loving human soul to another."
i have to say...i am blessed with an abundance of influence...
and i am lucky.

always becoming...

it's been a few weeks since my last posting,
and the funny thing is that, little ideas and thoughts creep up inside of my head, i hear them and then, more often than not, i forget them. haha!
i guess there's something to be said for writing things down, when they come up.
but nope, not me...i figure i'm gonna remember, if it's important, or a good idea.
like asking for directions or something :)
then when i sit down, i inevitabley can't remember it at all.
so, today i sit here with a hodge podge of ideas and thoughts and stories...
what to do, what to do...
i just walked in from watching the sun come up...one of my favorite things to do...so calming and invigorating...watching the slow rise, and thinking of all the possibilities for the day.
this morning was a lil buggy, so not quite as calming, but the gist of it all is there. i felt sort of like dean griswold from 'vacation'...i saw it, bobbed my head a little, smiled, and walked home.
i recently went to colorado for my nephew's commissioning in the army.
it was sort of a family trip.
sitting in the room with all of these accomplished soldiers that are ready to give their lives for their country kind of puts life in a different perspective.
my day consists of going to work at a golf course, schlepping bags to and fro, taking naps, reading books, working out, and if i'm lucky, hanging out with my friends and family.
i live paycheck to paycheck...wouldn't know what it feels like to have savings.
i can't pretend to understand the thought process of a soldier either...and honestly, guns scare the shit out of me! i don't even like to be in the same room with one, even if it's unloaded...it brings this tension to my body that i can't begin to explain. i guess maybe it's the sheer force and power that it puts in a person's hand that freaks me out.
anyways, the reason i'm telling you these things is that,
i live my life the way i do, not completely thinking about how others are living theirs.
oblivious to the fact that there's this whole section of people in our country, that are, as ani difranco would put it, 'armed to the teeth'...
this brotherhood of leading and following.
watching my older brother, a retired marine, give the oath to my nephew, brought tears to my eyes, and was completely unexpected to have this emotion.
for me, it would most likely be familial pride that brought the tears...
but also just watching these people sacrifice for their country is kind of amazing, i can't lie.
as liberal as i am...not bringing politics into this at all...
and not understanding most of the reasons behind wars or why there are people that are oppressed and why there are people that are dictators or why in the world we all just can't get along...none of that...
i'm just talking about...this unselfish giving of one's self.
body and soul.
to a cause.
it's overwhelming.
who i am is a total bleeding heart, i can't hide that.
i won't make excuses for it. it's who i am.
but i also feel quite lucky to live where i live,
to do what i do,
to say whatever i feel, right out loud,
to love who i love, and not be afraid,
to disagree, and it be okay to do so...
all these things...i feel truly lucky to be right here.
life is full of so many instances where we must stop ourselves and wonder what is going on inside of us.
why are we feeling this or that?
what brings the emotion out of us?
the important thing is to always question it, or more so, look inward,
and see what you see.
after all, we can't be afraid of what's inside of us.
and before we can look at anyone else with an open heart,
we have to be able to know exactly who we are...
every freckle, every wrinkle, and every scar.
of course, in this whole grand scheme of things...we are forever changing and evolving...make no mistake about it though, we are in control of only one thing...who we are or who we choose to be.
no blame can be placed on anyone else.
be that.
but pay attention.
thing is, when i was sitting in that room of people in colorado springs,
it made me feel a bit small...like, hey, i'm gonna fly back to florida, work on a golf course, go to spin and yoga, feed and cloth myself, go boogie boarding...you get the idea...the life of leisure, i have.
i guess that's all part of that circle of things.
and having the freedom to do so is the best thing on earth!
what does the army say?
'be all you can be'
hmmmmmmmmmm...
wherever you are and whatever you are doing...
that might be the idea...
be all you can be...
you just have to figure out what that is...
thus, the search continues...
always becoming...one of my favorite quotes from my yoga teacher.
if you think about it...
it's true...
we are...
always becoming.
if nothing else in this world is true...
you do have a hand in who you are becoming.
that's a huge responsibility!
be.
just you!
always and forever becoming.
question is...
what are you becoming?

i need possible...

samuel beckett once wrote...'ever tried. ever failed. no matter. try again. fail again. fail better.'
that quote has been ringin in my head since i wrote it down in my little notebook.
thing is, my friends...
i like to write these things down,
but the truth of the matter is, i haven't lived those words like i probably should.
so, me writing them, and quoting them to you,
may just be quite hypocritical,
but they still ring true to me.
don't get me wrong though...
yes, i've tried things...
and yes, i've failed frequently and miserabley.
but...
maybe not as often as i should.
they say if you're not failing...you're not trying.
hmmmmmmmmm...
and maybe more closer to the truth is that we should be constantly trying.
not worrying about falling on our faces.
as adults though, it becomes harder and harder to get back up,
and keep moving.
kinda like falling down...in the beginning of our lives...we fall a lot.
we get up a lot, and keep falling...but laugh it off...maybe with some scuffs and scratches, but we just keep going.
somewhere along the way though, when we hit a certain age...
the falls begin to hurt a bit more.
the scars become deeper.
we have a greater memory for them...and then...
we become afraid of the fall...
then comes the worst part...we stop trying.
yes, we remain scuff and scratch free...
but...
where are we then?
i can tell you where...
43 and safe.
not a bandaid on the shelf.
i was just thinking about that as i sat on my beach access steps,
looking out at the ocean.
i question the fact that i write constantly about life, love, and being happy...
but in the same instance...i've not had to go through the things that others have.
my life has been quite amazingly charmed.
my parents are still alive and well.
my brothers are safe and sound.
i'm healthy and live on a beautiful island.
of course i'm happy right?
i've wondered for years what this life is about...why i'm here...what am i here to do...what am i doing?
there have been several things in life that i've wanted to do, and i've done...
but there are also things that i've not tried out of fear.
fear of not being enough.
and then i think...here i am writing about all these things...
what have i got to say?
how can i inspire?
who am i to say anything out loud?
my explanation to that is that i've learned about how important it is to have a voice, and to let people hear it, and decide for themselves.
i've not struggled with much...
yes, your usual struggles that all people go through...
but nothing i couldn't handle.
living life wondering when the other shoe will fall,
and my luck runs out...well, that's no way to live...most definitely not.
i have to believe too, that we all have a reason to be here...
that each and everyone of us can inspire and be inspired.
i have to believe that the words i write can do something.
something good.
in one person's life, if nothing else.
i was explaining the other day to a friend about how nice it is to have community.
to feel like i'm not the only one.
that at the end of the day, we all want the same thing.
gay, straight, bisexual, transgender...whatever we are...
whoever we are...
it's to love and be loved...to have some understanding for each other...
compassion...passion...a sense of worth...a reason...
and the strength and courage to be exactly who you are...and to not be afraid to try and try again, no matter how many times we fail.
everything is relative, and everything is temporary.
there are peaks and valleys always in life.
some seem to last forever...but rest assured, change happens.
thank god.
i keep promising myself each day to try something new.
to not always be comfortable...to say what i have to say.
for such a long period of my life...i had no voice...
i was afraid to speak my mind...to go against the grain.
so easy to just float along the current of life and not swim to an interesting shore thats in the opposite direction.
so easy.
and maybe that's part of my life right now...
learning to just put it out there...
put my words down, hit publish, and not look back.
no regrets, no fear.
each day we must remind ourselves to keep trying...it's got to be a daily event!
sweat a little, be nervous, be scared, fall down, look amazingly stupid...
but do it...and do it well.
fail greatly!
a few hours ago, i went to see the movie, 'soul surfer'...
in it,the main character said to her dad, 'i don't need easy, i need possible'.
possible.
think about it.
possible.
if everything is relative...
then...
what is your possible?
i say to you, in the famous words of shakespeare,
'we know who we are, but know not what we might become.'
dream big, my friends, dream big,
and fail each day.
you never know what will happen when you fall down...
because sometimes when you're getting up,
you have a different view of everything.
what a view it could be!

happiness and what it looks like...

once again, deciding to write to music...
roll with me, guys...
i'm thinkin sometimes we need to add a lil music to our daily lives,
just to make it better.
this mornin, as i was getting ready for work, quite early,
i decided to turn on my pandora station...
which, to be honest, i have several stations...
one that has a huge range of music,
one that is totally techno (that's for you, cass),
another that is a ray lamontagne station (one of my friends, threw it on there),
of course, that one has total slow, love song type music...my favorite, as you should probably know, by reading me at all :)
anyways, i turned to my station this mornin,
and was making my coffee, and doing my usual routine,
but to music...nice.
i found myself in a great mood...enough to be dancing around my kitchen,
smiling, and singing.
perfect way to start the day!
so, here's a thought...
i've been thinking non-stop lately about breathing...
about taking time to notice things...
about paying attention to the small as well as the big.
funny thing is...the simpler it is, the more beautiful it seems to be...
ever notice that?
like basically, the other day, i had the day off, and my usual routine on that kind of day is waking up early, makin a cup of coffee with my lil bialetti, old school stove top espresso maker, warming the milk in this sweet ass bright yellow pot my mom gave me, and while it's brewing, i read a passage from my 'meditation from the mat' book that a good friend let me borrow...
well, on that day, i looked outside, and the sky was so pretty, i decided i'd drink my cup on the beach...
like a little stolen moment of goodness.
only thing is, i ended up not getting to eat something before spin and yoga...
afterwards, i was pretty dead and starved...a couple of my friends gave me a hard time about it...
yeah, not such a great choice, for sure...
but the sit on my beach access steps...i wouldn't give it back.
i have a few rules that i try to go by on my days off, especially.
one of them, is to basically take time for myself, whether it be a few minutes on the beach, a nap, to watch a show, go to the movies, read a book...something.
another is that i usually always prize myself...i find that sometimes, when you do live alone and are single...if i don't do it...no one else will. haha!
so, i take myself to lunch and eat something awesome...maybe with a beer or glass of wine, right by myself, in the middle of the day...that's a prize, for sure! always makes me feel as if i'm on vacation when i have a drink in the middle of the day! haha!
one of the other rules is that there aren't any rules...no time constraints...a schedule on the day off, kinda sucks.
schedule fun!
life is short...
if you don't take the time to do the things you want to do...
nobody else is gonna do it for you.
the happier you are, the happier the people around you are gonna be!
it's sooooooooooo simple!
we have a tendency in life, to complicate everything...even the most simple things.
why?!
insane right?!
and yes, we all have jobs, families, things to do...i get that.
some of us, more than others, definitely.
one of my friends and i have a joke between us, saying our life is a vacation of sorts...really! it is! haha! i'm so lucky, i am, to be living the life that i do!
but hey...think about it...
when was the last time you did something just because you wanted to?
and made no excuse for it to anyone...just did it.
one of the hardest things in life to learn, it seems, is to just be...
to enjoy without reguard, without guilt of what you should be doing, or what others will think because you're just having some fun for yourself.
it's not a sin, i promise :)
and sometimes it's just nice to let go and be whatever you want to be.
at the end of the day...
if you're unhappy...
it's kinda up to you to change that...
we can't wait for some one else to do it for us.
we can share in our happiness with others.
but...it's all on you.
get out there, and enjoy life.
take it for yourself...and breath it in, my friends.
we are surrounded, and i mean completely surrounded by awesomeness!
grab it and run with it!
laugh, sing, dance, spin...whatever it is that you can do to put a smile on your face, and fullfilled feelings in your heart...that's what you should do.
because, hey, let's be honest, you need to be a little selfish with your life.
you have to make your own happiness...
and it's there...
i'm quite sure of it...
you just have to figure out what you want it to look like.
mold it, draw it, weld it, sculpt it...but do it.
when's the perfect time?
hmmmmmmmm...
right now...
just sayin :)

to be proud

originally, when i had thought that i wanted to start a blog,
i thought that i'd like to do one without attaching my name...
so that, basically, i could write anything i wanted to or was feeling,
and not be worried about any waves or ripples that would come afterwards.
just think about it...
to be able to be completely honest,
without really having to own up to it,
or more like...take responsibility for it...
or...
feel guilty about how you truly feel about this or that.
but then when it came to actually putting it together,
i found that it would be really hard to get people to read it,
if they didn't know where it came from.
so, yeah...it was a bit confusing as to what to do,
but then eventually i thought, why not do it, and put my name on it,
and make no excuses for myself.
just put it out there.
you know?
it just seems as if life would be that much easier if we could always just put it out there...right?
hmmmmmmmm...
which brings me to a thought that has bouncing around my noggin the last several days.
it really has to do with pride.
pride of one's self.
pride of family.
pride of friends.
recently i had been without internet for quite awhile...
as you know, i've been blogging from the buck on the island with one of my best friend's computers...oh, the pleasures of free wi-fi :)
anyways, just last week, i have finally lucked into internet once again, at home.
quite nice, but it has also made me fall to the temptations of hulu.
being able to catch up on a lot of the shows i enjoy, has been fantastic,
but also has taken me away from all of the reading i was doing without internet at home. so, a blessing, and a curse, all at the same time. haha!
anyways...although mostly t.v. is just another form of escape (a way to turn your brain off), a few of the shows i watch are dramas, usually full of emotion, love, passion, some laughter (all of my favorite things)...usually good music...for some reason reminded me of family...of love...of proud moments within all of that too.
then i thought about the specific instances that i have been overjoyed and astounded by the people around me.
it made me want to be more specific and say these things out loud.
i grew up in a small town...not a lot going on, most definitely...
but a child hood full of playing, full of fun, full of support, and full of kindness.
this is fully because of my parents, my brothers, my friends, and my friend's parents even.
i don't recall ever having a game that one of my parents wasn't there...cheering me on...from little league right through to playing varsity on whichever sport it was that happened to be going on.
i remember several high school basketball games that ended in victory in the last second, that a crowd of people, coming out of the stands to celebrate...and in that crowd...yep...my parents, rushing the floor.
i could always hear their voices, during the games too.
thinkin back on that makes me smile broadly.
softball games...while at bat...i knew they were there, behind the fence, hoping for a hit...willing our team to win.
in every way and in every step they've been there...
scooting me along.
telling me anything was possible.
telling me how amazing they thought i was or think i am...
even though, in my head, i'm wondering what daughter they must be talking about. never having as much faith in myself that they seem to have.
through college and afterwards, during my different teaching jobs...
always laughing with me at my stories,
and interested in what is going on in my life.
when i came home to tell them i was gay about 12 years ago...
they listened, and they accepted me.
of course, yes, my mom, being the good catholic woman that she is...
felt guilty, as if she made some mistake along the way,
for me to have been gay...
but i sat with her, and explained to her that she did nothing wrong.
that what she did was right with me...it made me finally strong enough,
and trust enough in them, that i could actually be who i was because of who they were to me.
that my life has always been entrusted to them.
it's better because of them.
there were months there, before my past partner and i were having a commitment ceremony, that my mom and i had big discussions about why we felt the need to do it...why was it so important.
we had these conversations, that in my life, i never thought we would be having...so frank, so open, and so honest.
i was so amazed and proud of my mom for coming to understanding and even hoping for love for me.
listening to her on the phone with each of her brothers and sisters,
explaining to them why we were having this big party in the first place.
i could tell she was nervous, but i have never been so proud to watch her grow through it, and understand me more along the way, and how important it is to be who you are...after all, if you can't be who you are with the people you love the most, how will you ever be to everyone else?
yes, it probably is sometimes easier to be who you are to strangers.
i get that.
but to be lucky enough to have a family that knows who you are,
and loves you just the same...
that's pretty freakin amazing, i can't lie!
and no...it's not always tulips and daisies.
we fight too...we disagree...we have a constant conversation about where my life is going and what the hell i'm doing with it, don't get me wrong...
but...
i know too...
that they are there...
and for that, i am soooooooooooooo proud.
so proud to be in this family.
a few years ago...my mom took me on a trip to visit family in d.c.
my second cousin introduced me to some people and we were going out that night...
a night of gay clubs, basically. i was pretty excited :)
they were dropping me off at the house,
and ended up coming in for drinks,
while waiting on the other girls to arrive.
i was a bit nervous,
because there we were, ready for my gay night on the town...
and there was my mom, in the midst of it all...lookin a little uncomfortable.
well, somehow the conversation turned to one of the girls in the room,
that hadn't come out to her family yet...religious and cultural reasons, basically.
from out of nowhere, my mom spoke up, and told her how she thought that she should tell her family...that they really needed to know who she was...how sad she was that i had waited so long to tell her...and not to be afraid.
now that, my friends, that is one unstoppable mother.
right by herself.
nobody asked her to speak up...she just did.
i am her daughter,
and i am so proud of it, i can't even begin to explain to you how great she has made me feel in my life time.
i could go on an on about my family...and friends (maybe it will have to be a two parter)
stories upon stories...of proud moments...
but feel as if maybe my point has been made.
we all have instances that we can look back on and are astounded by in life.
if those people are within shouting distance from you.
you should definitely let them know what they've done for you.
because a lot of times,
they may not even realize how fantastically they've changed your life,
or have made it better.
too little in our lives do we take the time to just give it...give love.
so much easier to complain or bitch or wine.
nah...
get that thought out of your head.
there is a shift that happens in life when you begin to notice all the good thats happening around you...and you begin to appreciate it...and yes, even saying what you need to say...'walkin like a one man army'...john mayer is right.
you have to put it out there.
as my man e.e. cummings would say...
'be of love
a little more careful
than of anything'
if you have love for anyone...
take care of it.
nurture it.
say what you love about them.
make them smile.
do whatever you have to do to show them these things.
don't leave it for another day.
each moment is a chance to do something right.
be proud.
live.
love.
now.