Wednesday, December 21, 2011

life as i know it...

let me start off by sayin...well, hello, first of all...
it's been quite a bit of time, as my lil hp hasn't been feelin all that well...but now with the help of some cool peeps at a computer store, i'm runnin full steam ahead.
not havin a workin, steady computer for awhile, surely changes the way one does i go about my day, how i have no idea what's goin on in the world of facebook, how i know of no news of the world, basically, since i don't own a t.v. either...
i mean to tell! it took a few days to get used to the fact that i didn't have anything but myself to entertain me when i was home...
but eventually, silence was golden.
i accomplished so much more, i got to sleep at an early time every night, i read books at a lightning pace.
so, all in all, the loss of the computer for a lil bit, wasn't such a bad thing...just something to get used to, like anythin.
it was so funny, the day i got it back, i felt myself frustrated with tryin to get it back on track, and i realized it was the first time i had felt that way since it was gone.
sooooooooooo, basically, for, as it is such a wonderful thing, it's also such a firestarter as well.
here i was, loungin my way through my days,
maybe listenin to my old school, clock radio that i've had since my first year at fsu...that being '88...yep, i said it...'88! haha!
and it still works!!!!!!!! haha!
anyways, that was literally, my only form of noise for my apartment.
hilarious as it was easy, once i got used to it.
a friend and i were talkin the other day,
and we were laughin at how people look at you when you tell them that you don't own a, literally, they look upon you as if you were some sort of alien creature fallin from the sky, about to try to abduct them and take them to the lost world. hahahaha!
it's actually quite awesome to witness!
but i seem to going off on a tangent here,
so, let me get back on track.
i've been laboring over the fact that i haven't written in so long...
and also that i'm not really sure what to talk about.
so many times when i'm writing, things just come to me...
i worry a lot about writing about the same subject area, over and over.
i am kinda that girl, you know? (life, love, and the pursuits of happiness)
but in writing, they always say...write what you know.
i guess sometimes, and often, in my life,
i'm not totally convinced i'm very good at it.
writing, that is...and well, maybe life either. haha!
i like to tell a story, here and there...
relay a joke...
give some inspiration...
or just tell you what it's like from my lil perspective.
and, i guess that's all we can do in this life, right?
we have to live according to us...
not others.
it amazes me still, that at my ripe old age of 44, that i am overtaken by the view of some one they're gonna feel, or what they're gonna think of me, if i say this or do that.
i find that sometimes i hold back or neglect to say something if i think it's gonna be interpretted in the wrong way...or i just agree, or say nothing, when i so obviously disagree.
and yes, mostly i just do or say whatever comes to me...
but i know too that, there are times, that living that way,
isn't always what its cracked up to be.
and yes, i'd like to say that i always learn from my mistakes,
but as i'm learning,
i don't.
i'm still ridiculously stupid, unrealistic, and dreamy,
in more ways than i care to describe...
suffice it to say...there's comfort in knowing that i am who i am.
and mostly, if you look around you...
the people that know you, they know this about you.
they know your history or as we gays like to call it, if you're a girl,
your herstory :) haha! you know me, i'm always trying to give a lil education, here and there, about how the other half lives...
that being my half :) haha!
anyways, the only thing i can speak of or write of,
is what i know and how i see it.
i definitely can't speak for anyone else...
and who would i be to try that, anyways?
i do love the fact that in this pursuit of happiness,
what comes with it is a whole lot of stories...
some good, some bad...
a few hilarious ones...some really lame ones...
some over the top...and some way below the surface.
but that's just it, isn't it?
what would life be, and who would we be without these stories?
so, when i do fall directly on my face,
i do know that eventually, i'll make it back to where i am,
and maybe move a lil forward and get a lil smarter.
then again...geesh...who knows?!
as i often think about,
me being gay in this really small town,
so many people encourage me to leave...
that i need to get out of here, if i'm ever to meet anyone.
the funny thing about this small town is that, for me,
or for any gay individual, small town, big city, whatever,
everyday is like another day to come out of the closet,
and be who you are...and tell people about it.
not necessarily walk around shouting it out or havin a rainbow tattoo on your forehead,
but with each new person that you meet,
eventually, the subject comes up...and the coming out process begins again.
the cool thing about it is...
it does get easier, and i've found myself more and more willing to be questioned about it.
for if people don't ask questions,
they're never gonna understand...
and accept it, as just a part of life.
just like anyone else...hoping to have moments of happiness,
and another person to share those moments of happiness.
i realize too, that i often speak of how challenging it is to be single as a gay person in a small community.
i know though...that it's hard either or straight.
i feel that if all gay people that lived in small towns thought to themselves, 'we need to move outta here', then how will people ever learn?
how will they ever come to a point of understanding of acceptance,
if we're not here, where we live, showing that we're just like anyone else?
the thing is...
here, in this small town i live in...i feel accepted...granted, there have been times that haven't been so pleasant, i can't lie...but there are so many amazing things about this place and the people in it.
sure, i don't have a community of gay people to spend time with, it's true...
but i have a community of friends and family, that i love and that love me, for who i am.
after isn't always about being around the people that are exactly like's about our's about facing's about accepting those things that we may not understand, but listening to why they're so different...and maybe figuring out, that the things that we thought made us so different from another person, aren't really as vastly different as we thought.
so, in a way, me being in this small town, and being part of such a's actually kinda some strange way, it makes me feel special, if you can look at it that way.
and's my home and i love it.
what i've realized is that whatever it is...
acceptance takes's sorta on it's own pace.
it may be frustrating sometimes...and lonely.
but rest assured, life as i know life as someone else knows it as well...if i just take the time to look around.
that old saying, 'knowledge is power'...the more and more i think of it, the more and more i realize how true it is.
it seems, the more we know, the more we are.
or maybe the more we are willing to let ourselves be.
look around you...look at how different we may be from the person next to us...
but how about...we meet in the middle, and figure out how much we have in common first, and then go from there?
it could make our numerous differences seem more workable.
there's a difference between tolerance and acceptance.
i've been made very aware of this difference...
and i can tell you this from experience...
acceptance feels like a million bucks compared.
i promise you that.
so, the next time we're ready to look at someone and think we know who they are or what they're going through without even so much as a word...
why not ask a question or two?
you never know until you ask.
because if there's anything that i have learned,
we're not as alone and different as we think we are.
and heck...that whole melting pot idea?
there was something behind that...
we ARE that.
it's one pot...not a bunch of separate pots...
just sayin...
sooooooooooo, maybe stir the pot sometimes...
it may make whatever or whoever is in it blend a little easier :)