Tuesday, September 6, 2011

it takes all kinds...

so, here we are again...
back on the page.
i've been havin some thoughts this week about the way we are.
you know how sometimes it seems that when you're with certain people, you're one person, and then with others, you're another?
kinda like that.
and sometimes, i guess too...i think i give myself a bit of a hard time about being who i am, in certain instances.
i think i've talked about that before.
being our own worst critic.
i guess there are points in life that we all just do that.
whether we are comparing ourselves to others, or just having one of those days that we wonder what the heck is going on inside our heads.
each time lately, when i begin to have a negative thought of myself, i try to remind myself that it's not that bad...
and after all, it could always be worse, right? right.
which brings me to my thought...
the world needs all kinds of people.
this is one of the things i try and remind myself of, when i think , 'honey, what are you doing?' or 'why did you just say that?'
the funny part of life is that it takes so long to get to a point that you begin to even understand who you are, why you do things, and what makes you react.
there have definitely been some times lately that i wonder to myself...'okay, i'm 43, i've been through this before, why exactly am i making these same choices, if i already know what the outcome will be?'
i have no freakin idea! i really don't!
it's completely idiotic, but there i am, doing the same thing over again.
i have decided that for no other reason than just hoping for it to be different, is why i do it. yeah...stupid...surely.
but that damn word, hope...geesh.
i am a dreamer.
it's ridiculous, the amount of dreaming i do.
the stories that go on in my head about what will be.
you can't even imagine.
and the hope that i have in my heart and soul...i can't even explain.
because one would think...
after you learn your lesson a few times...
there would be no dreaming...there would just be reality.
reality sets in and i gotta tell ya...it's not pretty.
but somewhere, somewhere deep inside,
that little ray of hope begins to fire up all over again.
how is it even possible for our hearts to go through the things it goes through, day in and day out, and it's still able to beat?
the amazing strength of the human heart.
it honestly knows no bounds...none!
and in all reality...
in my strange little heart...i kinda believe anything is possible.
i know it sounds ridiculous to say out loud,
but after reading story after story of the amazingness of life,
i have to say, maybe i just dream it to be true.
that anything is possible.
there are dreamers and realists.
lovers and haters.
cynics and idealists.
extroverts and introverts.
but the one thing that seems to link us all together is the need for all of them...and the need for humanity.
i found myself in an online sort of argument the other day with a total stranger...the subject area being women in sports.
and after about the 3rd reply, you start to realize that both sides of the argument that people begin to have with each other, are true, at that very moment, to the person that is arguing.
they're believing whatever it is that they're stating...
enough to keep the argument up, it seems.
for a long time in my life...i didn't have a voice...i was afraid to say anything out loud that put me on one side of the fence or the other...afraid to rock the boat or state my opinion.
always worried that i would look stupid or get all bumble-headed and the wrong words would come out of my mouth (as they do, still, when i begin to have a discussion with anyone, because i get nervous and lose my cool)...nothing comes out right then (and my heart is beating like a drum)...and then later, i always think of what i should have said.
but that makes no difference, in the end.
what makes a difference is having an opinion...and yes, even saying it out loud...just because.
you don't have to argue.
but i think it's good to break out of the habit of keeping it to yourself.
i find that there are certain things that make my heart beat, just a lil bit faster, when they are brought up in conversation.
and i know myself well enough to know, what they are.
i'm pretty sure, if you sit back and think about it...
there are certain subjects that just get you going.
you wouldn't be human, if you didn't have those things.
but that's the thing...
that's the cool thing about life!
it's great to be passionate.
the world needs passionate people...people that stand up.
people that say what they think.
yes, sometimes, it's not what you want to hear at all.
and sometimes, it can take you down a few notches.
what we have to remember is who we are.
that each and every one of us, has guiding principles.
we may not have them written down anywhere...but they're there.
we walk around with 'em everyday, and they're not the same as everyone elses, and that's okay.
maybe this is all still part of 'this i believe',
but the further i get into that book that i'm reading,
the more i know that life is so full of just about everything.
in yoga all the the time,
the different instructors are always saying...
'don't believe the lies you tell yourself'
it may sound funny.
i know for me, i lie to myself quite a bit.
believing this or that...saying i'm going to do something, that i know i won't do...thinkin total bullshit about what i'm dreamin about.
or just thinking i can't do something...can't is some kinda shitty word.
that is definitely the point that realism is important.
what happens when we can't face the truth of life?
we keep lying to ourselves.
and it just keeps building until you don't really know what's happening at all.
every once in awhile, i'm reminded of this...
and then i start over again.
you know what they say, when there is an end, there is always a beginning.
for myself, i think...yes, i'll just keep dreaming.
it's what i do.
it is who i am.
we need all kinds of people.
it may be hard to stand up, at times, but i figure, if i don't stand up, who will stand up for me?
life is full of chances for us to figure out who we are, what we want to fight for, who we ache to be, who we want to be with, and where we want to go.
i'm still tryin to figure it all out...who isn't, i guess?
i guess if we can just be true to ourselves,
that could solve part of the battle all together.
no fences, no walls, no armour.
just you.
that could be a good start.
and here i go...beginning again.
i know one thing, for sure...
i can't be anyone but me...no matter what anyone says or thinks about me.
it's something i struggle with less and less, as i get older...
but i still manage to be too hard on myself about being me.
maybe a lil reminder to all of us...
we're all sort of perfect in our own lil imperfect ways.
whatever it is.
roll it out there, and believe in what you do or say.
be the truth.
it's all you got.
just go from there.
it's a good start.