on paper...

i'm gonna jump right in today and tell you a story...
basically, a couple of days ago, i turned 43...
yeah, i know...old! haha!
it was a pretty great day, i have to say.
and honestly, i can say that my birthdays, in the past, have been quite awesome as well.
i've told you before, that i consider myself to be a lucky person.
well...i'm not just making that up...i really am.
anyways, during that day, and maybe starting the day previous, i was having discussions here and there with different friends about turning 43, and how i felt about it.
and no, i wasn't just walking around spouting off my thoughts of 43...it just happened to come up in conversation.
with one friend, i had told her, basically, that it still surprises me when i say my age out loud,
that i feel nowhere near how old i am supposed to be.
that comparatively speaking...if i look at other 43 year olds,
i'm more like maybe, 26.
and what i mean by that and what i explained to my friend is this...
most people my age are in the midst of raising families, owning homes, keeping up with their stock portfolios, and planning their retirements...
and here i am with ownership of almost nothing...
what i do have, some plates and dishes and furniture that has been handed down to me, oh, so luckily by my sweet mother...
i rent.
i have no savings.
barely a checking account.
i wonder each month whether or not i am going to make it.
i'm not saying any of this for pity's sake...
i'm explaining this to add on to part of my story.
be patient :)
so, although, i really don't have anything really to speak of...
i never feel like i'm going without.
like i have less...
until i get that stupid urge to look around, and compare myself.
one of those things that you learn in yoga...
is to not look around to see what the person next to you is doing.
if only to figure out what position is being called out...
but to compare is always a bad idea...
it will either make you feel worse about yourself or too good about yourself...
instead of just being who you are...
and them being who they are.
learning to work with what you have within yourself...
instead all of that additional stuff that we keep buying, thinking it's going to make this huge difference...
because in the end...as my friend and i were talking about...
it's just stuff.
okay, so, now to roll on to the 'on paper' aspect of the story.
after dinner the other night,
my brother, a friend of mine, and myself,
went down the street to a restaurant to have a little dessert,
after having way too much sushi...
but hey, it was my birthday...why not get completely obliterated by sweet treats?
seriously!
on our walk to the restaurant, my friend was talking about this boy she was meeting up with that night.
so, my brother and i were asking questions about who this guy was, and maybe if he was a prospect of some kind...
she proceeds to describe him and at a certain point, mentions the fact that he looks good on paper.
my brother and i, being the smart asses that we are, just looked at each other and began making wise cracks about this 'on paper' comment. haha!
and to add to that she described another fellow as looking really good physically, but on paper, failed miserabley.
it's funny to me how we make those decisions about people.
grading them according to the things they have, what they look like, and where they've gone to school, etc.
i guess it is the process that we decide whether or not that person is what we want.
not long ago, i was sitting and having coffee with a friend,
and she was describing her ex in the same way,
as she described him, and his 'on paper' downfalls...
i realized that she could have been describing me!
haha!
i walked out that day, thinking...'wow, if everyone goes through that list, i may be single forever!'
haha!
but seriously...
the truth is...to each one of us...the 'on paper' thing is part of life.
but there are things that aren't 'on paper' that can make a big difference.
for me,
i guess i'm gonna have to go with believing that my 'off paper' attributes are what's gonna bring me home.
because really, in the end...it's all i have.
just me.
and what i've learned and am learning in these 43 years of life...
is that,
i am enough.

resting on the mouse...

it's funny, as i was sitting here, in my window spot...
trying to decide whether or not i had anything to write today,
my hand was resting on the mouse,
but i was afraid to click, just in case i began to type,
and had nothing of consequence to say. haha!
i literally sat here for several minutes,
unsure of the click. haha!
completely funny, right?
i'm seriously laughing at myself at the moment,
because then i realized as well...that if i didn't have anything to say,
i could just hit cancel...no big thing.
amazing the amount of stress we put on ourselves to perform...
and here i am...performing.
anyways, that being said and done...
maybe i should just tell you what i usually do...
stories.
as most of you are recovering from thanksgiving feasts and families...
i am too.
it was actually quite an amazing and lovely week, truth be told.
my three brothers were here, and it may have been the first time in 10 years or more that we've all been together for a holiday.
so, yeah...it was pretty fabulous, to say the least.
loads of food, drink, stories, laughter, jokes, pictures, kids running around, hugging and kissing (well, because in my family, we're an affectionate crew of people, mostly you can't be in the room with someone, and not touch them, in some way, that's how we roll. if you've been around us, you pretty much know this)
anyways, thanksgiving always seems to be a build up for the days to come.
reuniting with family and friends...
it's definitely a time that you can look on and know that you are surrounded...
by love.
now...don't get me wrong...
family doesn't always mean love...
but in the end...
through the arguments...
the breaking of plates and martini glasses...
knife fights (that's for you stevo)...
complete disagreements about politics and the world...
about how we should or shouldn't be raising our kids...
to drink or not to drink...
all these things that can make you walk away from the table...
what brings us back?
that makes you look across the table,
and still be thankful that they are there...
that makes you say...'hey, i don't agree with you...but i love you, just the same'.
whether it be family or friends...
it's a beautiful thing to be able to fight through...
and love...
and end up laughing at each other,
because of the way we look, while we're fighting.
yes, there are a lot of serious things that go on in this world,
most definitely,
but i think the thing that makes all of that bearable...
is who we surround ourselves with.
it's an interesting thing in life, as we grow older, to figure out what people we'd rather be around...the people that we choose to call friends are many times different from who we would have chosen as children...
the things that matter the most are usually 180 degrees different from what we thought when we were 12 years old. (thank god, eh? haha!)
although life was more simple then...
there were times, i'm sure, that we worried about what others thought...
more than we needed to.
there are times that i feel that sense of worry now,
and i have to remind myself of who i am...
who i've been becoming for these 42 years...almost 43 now.
and who i will continue to become...
by constant study, reading, and learning...hopefully growing through all this.
our parents, when we were small, would tell us...
'pick your friends, don't let them pick you'
it's funny to think of that...
but oh, so true.
i don't know about you, but it's a good day to me, when i can sit with my friends, and share food or a glass of wine, a cup of coffee...whatever really...and just sit...and soak in the goodness of community...
the feeling that these people that i've chosen to share myself with...
are people that care deeply for me, for what happens to me...
and i, for them.
it's amazing, in the grand scheme of things...
of all that goes on in this crazy ass world...
how good it can make you feel...
to just know that they are there.
it makes all the difference to me, of that i am sure.
as i've told you before, i've been reading this book, 'freedom from the known'...
by krishnamurti...
it's been a struggle, to say the least,
because many things he says...make sense...but also are so out there...
i have to admit, it kinda scares me to think that there was this man that was so unbelievabley open minded about life...about everything.
wow!
i'd love to strive to be this way, but as i read this last chapter,
that i was making my way through...it did make me wonder if it was possible...
but he said something pretty interesting and funny, at the end of it...
about we, as people, in general, looking at things, and wanting to take time to think them over and decide how we should or shouldn't feel about it...
and what he says is this (bear in mind, this chapter was about the violence in the world, and in ourselves, in the nature of man, basically, and how to change the view of it, saying that we must begin within ourselves...because violence is not only physical, it is mental as well)...
"...the most dreadful statements one can make, 'i will try'. there is no trying, no doing your best. either you do it or you don't do it. you are admitting time while the house is burning. the house is burning as a result of the violence throughout the world and in yourself and you say, 'let me think about it. which ideology is best to put out the fire?' when the house is on fire, do you argue about the colour of the hair of the man who brings the water?"

okay, i will admit...that out of context, this may be a little strange to read...
especially after i was just talking about thanksgiving, love, and friendship.
yep...maybe a little less coffee this morning would help. haha!
i just like to share the things i'm reading...or i should say struggling through, as a form of educating myself to the world...but if you think about it...
it all comes down to letting go...
and living with our eyes and hearts wide open...
doesn't it?
not the easiest thing to do...
because the first thing we want to do is decide and judge and contemplate.
hmmmmmmmmmmmm...
having faith in something is a really great thing...
but what if it gets in the way of seeing what is?
that's a hard one to take in, you know?
i guess though, that's all part of the learning process, isn't it?
and coming full circle through all of these problems and questions...
of life...
i'm thankful to have good people to be surrounded by...
to listen to, to talk to, and to learn from as well.
because around every corner of our lives...
there is learning to be done.
thanks to my family and friends for teaching me,
and being with me while i learn.
my cup runneth over...most assuredly so.

from the strangest places...

i sit here today, and i have to tell you...
each and every day, i've been thinkin...
'okay now, sit down, write'...
and each day, all these ideas pop in and out of my head...
but then each day...i let them flutter away...
like little butterflies of thought.
funny how that happens sometimes.
we find reasons to not do.
grocery lists
plumbers
errands
workouts
colds
hmmmmmmmm...
so, this is what's been going on,
and i thought i'd share during this week of the beginning of it all...
the holiday season.
thanksgiving, right?
families coming together from distances far and near.
it's pretty cool.
the thought that there are these people in our lives,
that have known us since the time that we didn't even know ourselves.
since we were wearing onezies. haha!
i've been thinking lately that i have no idea what i'm doing.
but even during that, there are always things that i know for certain.
facts in my soul that are tried and true.
thank god for that,
because otherwise...i'm not sure how we would survive this life...
if not for the things that we can count on, or have faith in...
things that we know, for sure.
are true.
funny thing is...the other day at work,
it was early, 6 in the morning...still dark out...
and we were pullling carts and parking them,
and there's this corner you have to turn through,
that's pretty dark, and with the gps, shining in your eyes,
you can't see anything for several seconds...
but being that i've done the same action over and over again,
i know the path, so, i drive forward and i don't crash into anything.
for some reason, it came to me the other day, while doing this usual chore,
of how much like life it really is...
how sometimes we walk around in the dark, not knowing exactly where we are going or what we are doing, for that matter,
but somehow we keep going and have faith that we're not gonna crash into anything.
i find sometimes that, whilst i live alone,
i don't turn on the lights at night because i know the path to where i go...
i don't need the light...and i have full confidence in where i'm going.
i have to admit though, that in my life,
i haven't walked that way...with full faith that i won't fall...
or that if i do...i can get up and walk away...smarter...
wiser...stronger.
i fear many things.
but it's during that fear that i try really hard to remind myself...
of what i know to be true...to me...to my heart...to my soul.
we're all different...
so, those things will be different from what the person next to me counts on.
but the importance of having something or someone to believe in...
god, wow, is soooooooooo truly important...
to just make it.
to get up everyday, and walk into it with open eyes and open arms,
welcoming whatever comes our way.
the good and the bad.
honestly, i can't say that i've had a whole lot of bad to contend with...
i am so amazingly lucky, i can't even begin to explain it.
the reasons why,
i have no idea.
i just know it is.
most people think that it's when the bad things that happen to you,
that we are tested,
to see what kind of person we are, deep down.
while i argree with that, whole-heartedly...
i also think that being fully aware while the good is going on,
is truly important as well.
the smelling of the flowers
noticing the colors in the day
the sounds of the ocean
the uncontrollable laughter with a friend
that smile that comes to your face when you hear that perfect song
when someone is kind to you, for no reason.
i mention these things...and you may think,
these are pretty small in the grand scheme of life.
and hey, they are.
but some days,
they can be so huge.
we get so swept away by the vastness of our problems...
that it's these little things that can help us to rise.
to move forward.
to take that first step to the good stuff.
because while there always is bad, there always is good.
what is it they say...you can't have one without the other.
i realize as i write this as well...
that my writing seemingly is always about this...
this faith...this love...this belief...
the little things in life...
choices and people and luck and thankfulness.
yes, it is my general thought process, i can't deny it,
but it is who i am.
and maybe sometimes, i'm here, reminding you...
because i have to remind me.
i don't know about you, but i need constant reminding.
i am lucky.
i know this.
thoreau wrote...'heaven is not only above our heads, but below our feet'
look around you, my friends...
find heaven in every second that you take a breath.
it's all around us.
be thankful...live thankful

home

i'm trying something new today...
getting myself out of my little box of thinking...
i'm gonna write to music...yep...we'll see how it goes!
anyways, i've had a few things on my mind as of late that i'd like to share...
oh, and, by the way, i'm listening to pandora...dialed into ray lamontagne, which is pretty nice and chill.
so, work with me here, because i may just go all over the place...
but here goes...
first of all, i was thinking about the little things in life that happen to you, while you're just living...they seem quite inconsequential or small...but they change your feeling or your attitude, right in that moment that they happen.
i'll give you a few examples of things that have happened recently to me...
that changed my day, and made me feel happy or just put a smile on my face.
which, as you know, somedays, can be the exact thing that you need.
that's part of the reason that it's hard not to believe in destiny or kismet.

so, i was at the grocery store the other day, after a really insane day at work...we were running around like crazies the entire time, and it happened to be that day was my 8th day in a row of working...needless to say, my body and my soul were tired...i had taken an exact amount of money into the store, instead of my debit card...forcing myself to hopefully, not spend as much money...i have a strange little system that keeps me in check when i walk in, but i won't go into that, just to make this story shorter...
anyways, i get in line, there are people behind me, and i'm 31 cents short...so, i'm standing there like, 'oh crap', and tell the lady that i have to run out to my car and get the change, which in my mind am thinking, i really don't want to run anymore today...she just looks at me, and says, don't worry about it, i bet i have 31 cents in my change purse...she proceeds to get out her wallet and throw it in the til for me...a person she doesn't know at all...but most likely looks pretty tired. i walked away smiling, feeling lucky.

another day, i'm out with friends, walking through a really busy local bar, and see an old friend, and walk up to say hello to her and give her a hug. we exchange the usual how are you's and what's ups...and as we're talking she mentions the fact that she reads my blog and that on somedays that she's having a bad day, and she reads me...it makes her day better. i walked away with a smile on my face, thinking she had made my night better.

at work recently, i was talking to the young man i was working with, and we were laughing quite a bit that day...it seems when i work with this kid, i turn into a comedienne of sorts, because the whole time, i tell him stories or just talk to him, we laugh, almost non-stop. he tells me the other day, that he really loves working with me because i always make his day better, through laughter. i walked away that day feeling happy knowing that i could have this positive affect on a 19 year old boy...who three months ago, i didn't know at all.

so, you see, these small things can have quite an affect on us.
i feel so lucky that there are so many days that i'm reminded of this.
running into that person, that changes your day with just a few words or a slight action.
words or actions, most likely, that you need to hear or see, just to lift your spirits.
because as much as we want to believe that we are doing all this alone...
we're not.
we're surrounded by people.
by their energy, by their spirit.
that's huge!
we get to choose everyday, who we are.
what we're gonna do.
how we're going to present ourselves,
to the world.
and how we're going to live.
it's easy to walk along this life,
and forget that the things we do, as small as they may be,
can be just the thing that someone else needs.
that as much as other people affect us...
we, in turn, affect them.
and maybe we have to try even harder in this life,
to make sure that the affect is a good one.
a pay it forward of sorts...everyday.
because as much as we need it...someone else does too.
happiness begetting happiness...yeah, so simple.

i leave you with this last little story...
i just recently moved home from oregon,
for many different reasons...
but the longer i'm home,
the more i realize the good decision i made to come home.
many people disagreed with me or thought me to be a fool...
but i guess it comes with age...
at a certain point, you begin to understand that your life is yours,
and you need not explain your decisions to other people,
because they aren't you.
and yes, sometimes, i felt a bit embarassed to have made this huge trek,
across the u.s. and only 7 months later, there i was driving back home.
but the honest truth is...i finally feel at home...
and the reasons i do, are the small things.
like going to my parents house, when my little brother and his wife and child are there...and when i walk in the door, seeing little julius's face light up, and he says 'honey!' really loud, and runs to me...i'm home.
when i wake up in the morning, and hear the ocean and can watch the sun come up...i'm home.
when i go out to lunch, and run into 10 people i know...i'm home.
when i go out for a run, and spend part of the time, waving at my friends, passing by in cars...i'm home.
and even in a town as small as this one, you meet new people, and they can have a way of changing your life, and making it better...
so...
where ever you are...
and whatever you do...
know that you can be the change in someone's day...
you can be the change in the world...
and the change that makes others feel like they've made it home.

what else is there?

i've just walked off the beach...and walked into my quiet little apartment,
and here i am...once again...writing some things down.
i've been trying to get out to the beach more often lately,
because soon enough, it will be a bit too chilly to just be in shorts and a tee shirt, comfortabley...then the hoodies and fleeces will have to come out.
honestly though...kinda like that time of year too.
less people and more time to just be out there, without a soul in sight.
it's an awesome experience to be sitting in the sand and listening to the sounds crash all around you...
and feeling like, you may be the only person hearing them at that moment.
i looked left and right today...and saw no one.
nice.
funny thing is...this time of year...is so perfect out...
doesn't make any sense that no one is there...taking it in.
like a wasted present or something.
anyways, as i said before, i've been reading a book by this krishnamurti guy...
i've decided that in order to find some understanding of it...
i can only read a chapter at a time...then somehow...
try and process it.
and maybe share what i've found with you.
i sat on the beach today, and laughed at myself,
because his words are so simple, but so profound...
that i'm struggling through each chapter...wondering if what he says is possible.
you know how when you're reading things and the words are making sense, but at the same time, you're almost fighting against understanding them,
because if you do...
that means...
everything changes.
the way you look at things,
at life...
at your life.
the fact that this guy believed so strongly in letting all judgement go...
all the things that we think make us who we are...
all of our beliefs and opinions,
he believed got in the way of seeing ourselves in truth.
geez!
living each moment without agreeing or disagreeing,
but just by being aware...and actually seeing things for what they are...
and looking at each thing...the things that we so often don't pay attention to.
i have to admit...it's a lot to take in.
but it seems so right on though too.
hmmmmmmmmm...
like basically, we get in our own way, by living on our past experiences, and not letting ourselves experience things while they're happening.
holding onto all of these ideals...may hold us back from seeing anything clearly.
yes...i'm totally jumping in here...but what if that is true?
how many of us are constantly finding this and that book to read, that helps us through struggles or issues?
i can say for a definite fact...that i do.
and believe me...i love reading and learning about different ways of life, and different thoughts on how to live...and how to be.
what's the best thing?
god, who knows!
we all have to decide that for ourselves, don't we?
and the other thing i find interesting about reading this guys works...
is that through his writing...he says every now and then...that he's not giving a lesson here on how to live or the right way for anything to be done...
he doesn't talk about right and wrong.
it's like being invited on a journey,
to scope things out, and let yourself go...
and calling out to yourself...on the things that you do out of fear.
fear of knowing or of seeing the truth behind all the things we hide from.
that's a pretty intense journey, eh?
i find it a bit overwhelming to think of, really.
but it's interesting as well.
while i was out on the beach this morning...
i layed on my towel...and read out loud, as i like to do...
when i put my book down, i watched the waves, and looked directly in front of me,
in the sand, picked through little shells, and began putting them in a little line on the end of my towel.
i eventually found three of the most tiny shells, of my favorite kind that are usually much much bigger...i was really surprised at how small they were!
so small that i had to squint to see the beautiful markings on them.
the swirls, the lines, the colors...amazing!
i sat there and was thinking...if i was standing and walking along...there is no way i would have even seen these teeny versions of my faves.
i would have passed them by, without a thought.
as it happened...in my stillness...i saw them.
and in that...i understood a little more of what i had just read.
i layed down, and just payed attention to what was around me.
i took it in, and enjoyed it, in that moment.
make no mistake about it...
as i left the beach...i picked up each one of those shells and carefully put them in my pocket...and now they're resting on one of my window sills...
maybe just to remind me to look around, and pay attention...
to each moment.
the people, the places, the things.
maybe it's possible to try and be content in each moment,
if we're more aware of life as a whole.
as for me...it's definitely a work in progress :)
but i'd like to think that each second, each minute, and each hour that goes by...
is a chance to breath it all in, and be in it.
oh, wow!
the possibilities in this life are endless!
and yes, so are the challenges...but man, oh man, we are so surrounded by living movement...by change...by life...by love...
by beauty...and by greatness.
what else is there, but to walk forward, eyes up, and see what happens?

who am i today?

it's been a week and a half since last i wrote something...
and to be honest...as usual...
i was just waiting for something to grab ahold of me.
i've had a few different thoughts about things i've been going through in my life...
and things i've read and heard along the way...
and i kind of throw them in this file in my head...
like, 'yeah, i can use that someday'...
well...maybe this is the day i need to yank out some of those files
from my head.
and use them.
one of them happens to be about the spirit...about our spirit.
our yoga instructor, the other day, was talking about how big it can be...
that basically, there's only a certain size that you're body will ever grow to...
but the spirit...
the spirit is a different thing all together...
it has infinite possibilities of growth...there's no limit, basically,
to how big it can be.
when he was talking about it...
i think we may have been in child's pose...
and i was thinking to myself, how wonderful that sounded.
that our spirit has no boundaries, no limits, just endless and infinite growth!
it made my heart smile to think about it.
i mean, seriously...
just imagine yourself as this constantly moving, everchanging,
limitless spirited person!
wow!
the thought of it, made me want to jump up and run out the door...
and do everything possible to rise above and do what i dream of doing...
no matter what it is or how impossible it seems.
i don't know about you,
but so many times in my life...
i have these great thoughts...and before i know it...
i'm talking myself out of them...
not sure at all if they're possible...
or if i'm talented enough to make them happen...in the way i envisioned.
how amazing would it be if all of us could just rely on our spirit,
to get us through each struggle?
to know that it was infinite enough to guide us through.
that feeling of spirit and lightness...gives energy to good things in our lives.
we make good things happen when we fly forward and believe in ourselves.
and then we take others with us!
"our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate...it is that we are powerful beyond measure..."

the other day i went out to the beach to drink a cup of coffee and start to re-read a book i had started many years ago...it was a pretty deeply serious book, and
i was seemingly not ready for it at that time.
but the other day, i decided to give it another go.
you know how sometimes you can read something one day, and it means one thing to you...and then read it again, a year from then, and it means something completely different, or maybe it just grows in meaning to you...adds on, sort of.
well, i read the first chapter that day, outloud on the beach.
for me...i feel as if i can understand and take things in better,
if i read them aloud...yeah, this may sound strange...but honestly,
it's kinda nice.
anyways, the first chapter was strong and to the point.
and i was really blown away by what it said.
so blown away, in fact, i had to put the book down, and process the words i had just spoken out loud to the ocean and to myself.
jiddu krishnamurti was the author of this book...
he was viewed by many to be one of the greatest thinkers and religious philosophers of all time.
he believed that in order for the world to change...there had to be a radical change in mankind...and he travelled for many years, speaking to many people about these things.
he had no ties to any religious denomination, or political party, or country...he believed all those things contributed to world's problems.
it was interesting to read into how he believed in we, as humans,
figuring things out for ourselves...
not holding onto what we've read or heard or believe we know from others...
that many of us, live off of second hand knowledge from others.
that we're always looking for an authority...
but when we do...we're living through someone else's eyes.
through their thoughts and feelings.
not ours.
we can rely on no one else but ourselves to bring about this change.
he said a mind without fear is capable of great love.
when we make this journey to figure out who we are...
we have to travel light...leave behind the opinions, prejudices, and conclusions...and move forward without the weight of the old furniture that's been travelling around with us for 2000 years.
i have to say that, for me, it was pretty mind boggling to read all these things...basically, to reject all authority...
and just live, paying attention inwardly and outwardly...
and start from scratch...
forget all the things you've been taught...
all the things you've thought about yourself.
wow...
that's a lot...
but it's also pretty interesting too.
i guess it's just another way to let go.
and live.
there are days that i'm not sure where i'm going or what i'm doing.
i tell myself, 'i can't'...
when what i truly need to do is just believe.
i give myself a hard time about certain things i feel...
when truthfully, we're all just human beings.
we're told from an early age...how everything should be...
but that's the great part about growing older, isn't it?
learning that a lot of what we're told,
isn't for us...and that we get to decide how we live...
and who we are...
and the path we will travel.
the even greater part of that is... that we can change our path...
as we grow and learn more.
each day maybe when we crawl out of bed,
we should ask ourselves...
'who am i today?'
and be all of that...
just be you.

brighter thoughts...

i've been racking my brain to think of what it is,
that i could say today that could be the one thing,
that some one needs to hear to launch them into a good feeling,
or a better mind set,
or just a greater day, in general.
whew!
that is definitely a big thought, isn't it?
today, in yoga...
the instructors were talking about brighter thoughts and feelings...
how many of us have them, or know some one who is that brighter thought,
who brings that lightened feeling into the room,
or into your life, for that matter.
and sometimes,
to be honest...
all it really takes for me...
is a look,
or a smile,
a pat on the back...
of course, i really love hugs...
really good, wrap around kinda hugs...
where you can rest your head on some one's shoulder,
and just sorta lay in there...and let go...let your breath out...
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...now that's nice.
but there are days too, that there's no one around to give you all that...
and you're surrounded by strangers, who don't know you, or reach out to you,
or even care what kind of day you're having.
that is definitely the time, we have to dig within ourselves,
and think those bright thoughts...
or remember those good feelings that we've had with certain people,
or even a day that was just light and easy, and every corner you turned into,
was a good one.
life is never gonna be only full of good things...
sometimes the bad parts are there just to remind us,
how lucky we are to have so much good...
or just to teach us about the good that we seem to be unaware of.
some days i'm caught between this place of being surrounded by people,
and this place of being completely alone.
to find the happy medium is a struggle.
but i manage to find it most of the time.
sometimes, when i get home from work or yoga or spin or just a place that i've been in the midst of a lot of people...
i just sit...
in the silence of my apartment...
and breath in the sounds of the room.
somedays it's a nice feeling,
and somedays, not so nice.
it always seems to depend on what's ahead of me,
or what i've just left behind...
what i'm scared of doing...
my fear of wandering through life, without purpose or direction,
my fear of failure,
my fear of not thinking i'm as good as the person next to me,
the fear that when i pray, wondering if anyone hears me.
yes, it seems i have a lot of fears...and i do.
but i also have many reasons not to fear.
i'm surrounded by these reasons, day in and day out.
by the sun coming up everyday,
by being able to get out of bed and walk on my own two feet,
by having a healthy heart, mind, and spirit,
by having a job,
by paying my bills,
by having my crazy ass family, just down the street from me,
by being lucky enough to have friends in my life, that i've met along the way,
that know who i am...and still care for me, and love me, even when i'm wrong and i make mistakes and look ridiculous, they are there...
so, you see...
that light comes from the craziest places.
the most simple and easy places sometimes.
and maybe on even the darkest of days,
we can just look to that one thing,
that can bring us back into the light of being,
and therefore,
shed some light to the person next to us,
that is having just as hard of a time to survive as we are.
because, in truth, we are all here together...
as many times as you hear it or say it...
and as obvious as it sounds...
that light that is inside of you,
is bright enough to get you through your day...
and possibley,
have an amazing effect on some one else's too.
so, somehow, even with the fear that invades your head,
we just have to keep reminding ourselves to be brighter...
that that brightness, on it's own,
is our saving grace.

walkin 18...

well, today, i caddied for a really good friend of mine,
that was trying to qualify for a pga event next week...
he did well...but we missed the cut for the monday qualifier...
get this...
by one stroke.
yes...that is a heartbreaker!
but there are some good things that came from it...
in golf, just as it is in life...
we have to learn from all things...
and most of the time...
when we don't succeed in doing something...
we learn more.
if we don't learn more, then most likely, we're just not paying close enough attention...or more like, we're not being truly honest with ourselves...
about who we are, how hard we're working, or what we may need to change.
yes, honesty, is definitely the best policy...
but that doesn't ever make it easier, does it?
sometimes with honesty...
we must treat it like a bandaid...
just rip it off...
it will hurt at first,
but then the pain begins to subside,
and you will heal and be okay,
as long as you quit scratching and picking at it.
so, basically, the learning that went on in the round today,
can most definitely be compared to how we live our lives.
first of all...my friend improved on his scores that he's had the last several times we've gone to qualifiers...and yes...that's easy to see and quantify because it's a number.
but
the reasons for this number being lower are the lessons.
when he got in trouble...
he fought his way through it, he scraped and scrapped.
two bad holes in a row, in the past,
got into his head and he couldn't move passed it.
this time...he took a deep breath...and moved forward and didn't let himself get down.
he just kept playing.
he made long putts under pressure,
and used his head when before he may have tried to force something that just wasn't there.
at the end of the day...
we walked away disappointed that we missed it...
but also proud that there were so many great things about the round.
so, you see,
sometimes,
even when we're not getting exactly what we're striving for...
there's always something you can take with you,
for the next time.
one can learn a lot about themselves through struggle.
about the kind of person you are...
and
the kind of person you want to be.
as we drove home today,
and talked about the round...
the putts,
the drives,
the chips,
the saves,
there was one thing that we just kept saying...
it's gonna happen...you're gonna make it...you're getting closer.
you just have to believe in yourself,
and know that each shot you come upon...
you have the ability to hit...you have it right there in your bag.
funny how close to life that really is, isn't it?
some say that we are never given anything we can't handle...
that life is what we make of it...
that we create our own destiny.
if that is true...
then each day is kinda like a qualifying round for the next day...
and each shot we come to,
we have in our bag...
we just have to commit to what we know we can do...
just believe...
and hit it.

this thought comes to mind...

i'm sitting here today...
a usual sort of day.
got up early, and one of the first things i do is look at the sky.
i love seeing the colors in it, you know.
and catching the glimpse of the sun coming up,
as it does everyday...
but since it is one of my favorite parts of the day...
i look always, and expect something i've never seen before.
and now that it's been a few hours since the sun has come up,
and it's gotten a bit hotter, and a little cloudy...and the breeze has disappeared completely...which, i have to be honest, since i work outside, is a total bummer :)
anyways, at one point this morning, while i was trying to decide whether or not i had the energy and gumption to run a few miles...i was doing my usual look out the window, and the sky was fantastic...i thought to myself...'i should grab my camera and take a few pictures of this sky, it's amazing'...so amazing, in fact, that it made me physically sigh and smile, all at the same time, thinking how wondrous it is to have this lovely view, each and every morning.
but, being that i was in the middle of this whole decision process of 'to run or not to run'...i moved around my apartment a bit, for just a couple minutes...and the next look i did out my window...the sky had completely changed and that color that was so breathtaking before, was gone...
just that quick!
as i look back at this inconsequential moment of mine this morning,
it reminded me of the fact that life is just like this, isn't it?
in constant change.
what is there one minute...can be totally different, the next.
i guess that's why they say it is important to live right here, right now.
because we really don't know what's up next, do we?
we can always hope though...and always dream...and strive to accomplish things...
but all the while knowing that the world is turning,
and things are changing,
the sun is coming up, and going down,
the moon is phasing constantly,
friends, family, and lovers are walking in and out of our lives,
and here we are, looking out the window,
trying to decide whether or not to take a picture,
or walk out the door and be right in it,
or read about it,
and maybe even join in and be a part of that change,
in our own lives,
but in others as well.
so many choices right?
the choice that seems to be showing itself to me constantly, in my life,
is the choice to let go.
i have to admit, which i've admited, oh so often...
not my strong suit.
i always think i can work my way through anything.
i think to myself, 'positive, strong, and loving'...
everything else will work itself out.
but then i don't listen, and i work...nose to the grindstone and all. haha!
one of my friends told me the other day that i just have to trust, and i mean trust deeply in the universe...that answers come...right when they're supposed to.
and everything will be as it should.
hmmmmmmmmmmmm...
there are so many unknowns in this world,
but that's the excitement, the mystery, the fun...
of seeing, of learning, of understanding.
god, it astounds me to think that my little circle of life is hooked on and part of all these other little circles of life...
and we're all walking along, intertwined,
like the kudzu on the side of I-95, driving up through georgia.
constantly growing and constantly changing,
whether you're paying attention or not.
that's the thing though, isn't it?
we have to pay attention...who wants to miss those perfect colors?
i don't know about you,
but i don't want to miss a thing.

in regards to hope

was just driving home from blockbuster, just down the road...
and was thinking that i was a few days late with my next blog post.
usually i just hope that something hits me,
and then it does,
and then i write.
but there are those days that nothing hits me.
i have random thoughts constantly.
i like to call it my stream...
and sometimes it's too constant...
i'm very sure there are quite a few of my friends that can attest to this.
to you guys...i'm totally sorry.
it's how my mind works.
and its who i am.
take me or leave me.
haha!
anyways, i thought i'd write a small note tonight about hope.
and the reason for this is the fact that one of my best friends in this world...
is getting married tomorrow morning.
now you're probably thinking...
'so what, people get married all the time'
but even as those words come out of your mouth,
or
run through your mind...
doesn't it make you wonder,
why we respond that way?
there are so many answers to that question, aren't there?
and no, i'm not going to even attempt to answer for everyone else,
because i can't...
but i will say this...
i think sometimes we answer that way,
because we've lost hope and faith in genuine love.
in somehow believing that there's another person in this world,
that is suited for us,
that will take care of us when we are in need,
that will be a thoughtful partner,
that will support us and lift us up, no matter how crazy we look or sound,
that will be there in the morning to embrace us when no one else is watching,
that will be able to read you, when everyone else seems illiterate,
and yes, i could go on and on and on...
because the list does keep going.
and it goes in reverse as well...we have to be all that for the other person.
i ran into a friend on the beach today and we were talking of just that...
the comfort of finally knowing and understanding,
what it is that we want in another person,
and finally being ready for the possibility of it happening,
and being okay to be alone until they come along.
perhaps this will be a long journey of learning.
but for some reason, we have to cling to some semblance of hope,
for these things to come true...
because if you don't believe...
what's the alternative?
hmmmmmmmm...
i don't know about you,
but i feel as if i've known a few people in my life...
that fit that bill.
and they don't come along very often,
which makes them truly special,
but it also gives me hope to know that although i'm alone now,
and have no idea of what will happen in the future...
i know that it's possible.
that 'hope springs eternal' as they say :)
so, in regards to hope...
i leave you with this...
my favorite love poem, in honor of my friend that has been lucky enough to meet a really beautifully souled person to share her life with.
this is for her...and for all of you that share in that hope of love...
or the amazing luck to have found it.

"i carry your heart with me
i carry it in my heart
i am never without it
wherever i go you go my dear
and whatever is done by only me
is your doing my darling
i fear no fate for you are my fate my sweet
i want no world
for beautiful you are my world my true
and its you are whatever a moon has always meant
whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
here is the root of the root
the bud of the bud
the sky of the sky of a tree called life
which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide
and this is the wonder thats keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart
i carry it in my heart"

~e.e.cummings~

ahhhhhhhhhh...sunday afternoon...

so, basically, i'm sitting here, after an amazing yoga class,
with a girl that defines the meaning of sunshine and grace,
and i feel comfortabley numb...in the best way possible.
every toxin i possibley had in my body before class...
has been left on that mat, that floor, and those yogi toes.
wow!
so as i sit here and contemplate the day and pretty much the weekend as well,
i find myself thinking a lot of different thoughts about my life...
how i'm living it and breathing it.
and what i'm taking with me,
and what i'm leaving behind.
i'm generally an over-analyzer of all things in my life.
trying to find the deeper meaning in a look,
a comment,
a gesture...
pretty much anything.
it can have it's downfalls, for sure...
because sometimes i end up worrying about things that shouldn't be worried about...
but then it also is a good trait because i'm aware of a lot that's going on around me too.
the way i have to deal with this overanalyzing brain of mine,
is that i have to laugh myself off sometimes...
like literally tell myself...'honey, what in the world are you doing?!'
'why are you being such a goof?!'
or
'relax, and let it go...it's gonna be okay'
there is something that is built in each and every one of us...
that tells us what's going on, without even asking the other person.
our intuition is such a strong thing sometimes...
that it can be quite overwhelming to realize that the feelings that project off of other people...we can read...
like there's some crazy internal language that our bodies are talking to each other, without opening our mouths.
there are many times though...
we fight that intuitive feeling and talk ourselves out of believing in it...
like we don't believe in ourselves and what our body is telling us.
that faith that we need to get us through anything and everything.
it's right there...
inside of all of us.
calmly, we should listen to it.
and take it in.
this is much easier said than done, most assuredly...
but the moment we begin to believe in ourselves...
the truth that is within each of us...
that moment...
could be the moment...
that a new life begins for us...
a new version of who we are.
true to ourselves and true to those around us.
from our most beloved friends and family,
to our co-workers,
to complete strangers.

"as the layers of falsehood fall away, an intimacy develops with our own truth. ultimately our truth becomes all there is. truth becomes our essence and our reality, our deepest desire, and the air that we breathe." ~from meditations from the mat~

if perhaps we look deeper at ourselves,
and become more truthful in our speech,
in the way we live,
in the way we love,
and the way we believe...
this could be that change...
that makes everything change around us...
and the truth becomes,
that good thing,
that makes each of us act greater,
with more kindness...
to each other.
i guess that means that we just have to make a better effort,
in believing in who WE are,
which in turn may make it easier to believe in those around us too.
there's this things we do in yoga class...
that as we are in tree pose...
hands outstretched to the sky...
eyes gazing upwards...
we reach for the hand of the person on either side us,
and close our eyes...
and basically, hold each other up...like a chain of help.
we have to trust in ourselves and in those around us in this life.
after all...what would life be without trust,
without faith,
without love,
without hope?
i can't even imagine it.
i don't even want to imagine it.
i say to myself each day,
'be positive, strong, and loving...everything else will take care of itself.'
each of us have our own truths.
live them.
without fear.
and believe in them.
without fear.
'to thine own self be true'

sittin here on hump day...

after being in this lovely new apartment for a whole month now...
yes...it has finally happened...
i have internet! wow!
i have to say...i was beginning to wonder if it was ever going to happen.
crazy out of touch feeling, not to have it.
may have been the longest i've gone without it...
except, of course, when there wasn't such a thing.
can i remember that far back? hmmmmmmmm....
wow, i have no idea! haha!
anyways, it's wednesday night, here in this little town,
where i live, and not much is going on except...
yes...me and the internet.
embarrasingly enough, i have caught up on the last few episodes of 'the hills'.
guilty pleasure. hahhaha!
takes my mind away from life and things and worry.
and, i have to be honest, that's a nice escape on some days.
because if we all look at our lives, on certain occasions...
it would be really great to be able to zone out and watch a mindless show, and somehow transport ourselves somewhere else...for just a few minutes, hours, or maybe even a day.
i, myself, escaped for just a few hours earlier,
by jumping in my little cube and driving to the city,
and walking around a bookstore, leafing through magazines, seeing what was new on the shelf, scouring cookbooks for something yummy...
then, as i usually do, edging up to the bar at p.f. changs and having an early dinner with a nice little frothy cosmo to welcome the late afternoon of my day off.
all i really needed were those few hours to revamp myself,
turn my head around...
then drive home.
the funny thing is...when we escape...
we eventually have to come back :)
and that saying, 'wherever you go, there you are'...somehow rings true.
i'm sitting here, thinking about it, and from the outside looking in...
there really would not be any reason to want to escape my life...
it is good.
i'm surrounded by all things beautiful...
ranging from the beach,
to my family,
to my friends,
to my health,
to my new little place that i rest my head,
to waking up every morning, and knowing i'm lucky!
a friend and i were talking about this the other day...
and when you read this...
you're gonna completely laugh at how insanely simple this is...
but i was just getting home from a workout,
and having picked up a few things from the grocery store,
i put them away and was making my way to the stove to have my second little cup of jane...when i opened my fridge, and looked in...
and i thought to myself as i closed the door...
'hmmmmmmmm...what a nice feeling it is to have food in my house...i'm lucky'
yes, you may laugh...but think of the people in this world...that don't have that...that everyday is a struggle to survive...
for food
for shelter
for safety
for warmth
for love
for a night without war
for a night without death
for some spare change
so, i sit here...
in front of my computer...
with a smile on my face...
and i know...
i've got every reason on earth...
to live here, right now, in this moment...
without reason to escape...
but reason to revel in the luck i have in this little life of mine.
because it is a good one.
full of all the things one could possibley want or need.
reasons to love and dance and sing.
i can attest to this...i really don't own a whole lot of anything of worth...
and i'm not sure if i ever will...
these are the choices i've made, and the way i live, i have no excuses.
but i do know that i'm beginning to learn that after one strips away all of these things that we are trying so desperately to accumulate during our lives...
what's left, is just us.
simply and honestly.
and at the end of the day,
it can be one of the most beautiful things there is...
pure heart and soul...open for the world to see.
plato said, 'truth is the beginning of every good thing, both in heaven and on earth; and he who would blessed and happy should be from the first a partaker of truth, for then he can be trusted.'
all we can really do in our lives is live,
truthfully and authentically.
if we do that with ourselves,
and the people we hold dear...
then each day becomes better and better.
and our lives will be brighter and fuller.
maybe not of material things...
but of the things that matter.
that's all part of life though, isn't it?
decided what those things are...
and living according to it...with intention and full awareness of what's around you.
we just have to get out there everyday...and believe.
live and breath and share...
whether or not you get knocked over, run over, or left behind...
stand back up...and don't be afraid to show who you are...
because that's all you truly have.
what's right there inside of you.
show it.
what have you really got to lose?

of this i'm sure...well...maybe

so, it's been about 3 weeks since my last blogpost...
and i have to be honest...i've been pretty much, running around,
doing everything else, but write.
now i sit here, in a hotel room...
with my parents...
and have decided that this is the time to catch up.
maybe a good idea...maybe not...
i have no clue.
but i will tell you this...
because this happens to be something i know...
life is one constant surprise after another.
this summer for me...has been chock full of them.
ranging from driving across the country in my little cube,
finally feeling alive in my heart again,
finding out about brain tumors,
lucking out with scoring a place on the beach,
losing 15 lbs of beer weight (thanks p town),
realizing that it was totally possible to do wheel pose,
and feeling the best i've felt in about 6 years!
in and amongst all of that i've learned a great lesson of faith in people and in destiny.
right places at the right time kinda thing.
you know how they say that people come in and out of your life for different reasons? some stay for the long haul...and some are just there for a quick visit...some you're sad to see go...and then some, fade away as if they were one of those little holographic ghosts in the haunted mansion ride at disney.
of course, there are the one's that are in between that as well...they show up here and there...like no time has past you by, and you pick up right where you left.
anyways, i digress, for sure...
i mentioned at the beginning of this post that i'm in a hotel room...
well...let me explain...in south carolina...moncks corner, to be exact...
for my niece's wedding.
weddings always bring me back to thinking about that one thing...
yeah...
you guessed it...
love, baby :)
and no, i'm not going to ramble on today about having it and finding it and hoping it stays...
i'll just say this...which, believe me, i realize at this very moment, i'm completely all over the place...because, honestly, my life has seemed that way lately...and my heart too! haha!
i actually just wanted to share a few things i've heard and i've read as of late, that made me think how sweet, amazing, and astounding that love can be...or how it makes people say and write the most beautiful words, with power and grace.
i kinda love that...a lot, i'd have to admit!
the power of words is always stopping me in my tracks!
it truly is!
the thing is...with all the words...
must come actions the walk along with them...
or they don't mean anything at all, do they?
that's the part we all have to remember when being in love, or giving love, or sharing love...
that there's this action part that goes hand in hand.
right on!
if we can do that...then life as we know it would change...wouldn't it?
in every single realm and fiber of our being!
wow!
anyways, so i'll share these things i've heard and tell you where i heard them...
but the problem is...
there's so much more to share too! all these little dog eared pages i have! haha! they're everywhere!
kinda like love, eh? it's pretty much everywhere you look if you're paying any attention.
i know, i know...a rambling fool...but the truth of all of that is...i'd rather be thought a fool...hands down...if it's in the case of love and life.
here are my little blurbs of love...

from julie and julia..."you're the butter to my bread, the breath to my life"

how beautiful and luscious that is! it could be for the simple fact that i love both of those, bread and butter. but something so intimate as butter to bread, if you've ever had the luck of having fresh, hot bread in your hand, and putting butter across it, and watching it melt into the bread, as they become one...hmmmmmmmmmmmm...now that's a beautiful thing :)

from loving frank..."ongi mia fibra. e'posseduta dall'amor"...translated~my every fiber is possessed by love~ taken from the opera 'mefistofele'

my every fiber is possessed by love! that itself can take your breath away! and love is just that way isn't it? once it hits you...it's the only thing you can think, feel, and yearn for! like it's in your veins! sit back and think about how it has made you feel in your life...that first realization that you're in love with some one...now that's some kind of overwhelming feeling...one that walks with you, throughout your day!

and i have to be honest with you, whoever is reading this...
i really don't know why i'm writing this or even if any of it makes any sense...
but you know...sometimes you just have to sit down and write...and well...this is what is coming out today.
i'm hoping that some of it makes some sense or hits home...just a little, at least.
i'm in constant thought of how some of the things i read or hear or see...are things that would be awesome to hear another person say or feel or see in you (or me, as the case may be)
you know, those kinds of things that make you sigh just a little bit, and smile as well.
like, 'hey, this is what life is all about' right?

i'll leave you with this...'arrestati, sei bello' ~stay, for you are so beautiful~
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...the things that would sound like music to our ears :)
to our lives.
and change them forever.

everyday is a day we can live in truth...

well, i just got in from doing the sweatiest yoga possible, this morning...
i mean, each time i went to downward facing dog...a stream of water was flowing off of me, pouring onto my mat...
pretty insane, really!
but amazing, just as well!
to feel all that is within you, basically, coming out and rolling off onto your mat.
i'm sitting here now, in front of my computer...trying to recover...
and reflect on a few things that i felt through this practice today...
and one of the things the instructor talked about today...
was living the life that we're practicing on these mats...
way easy to love and live and sweat, right there, on the mat...
but to take out into the world, what we're doing there...
and breath it in and breath it out...
and spread something good, to the people that are around us each day.
that's the part thats a bit harder.
but, completely do-able.
no matter what we're believing in, whether it be going to church, meditating, doing yoga...whatever our path that leads us to this enlightenment...
putting it into practice, in the truth and reality of our lives...that's where it all comes together.
that's where life comes together.
that's where, we, as people, come together.
to give support and love, where it is needed.
to just say to another soul...'hey, i'm here' and 'you're not alone'
sometimes just knowing that or hearing it...
is enough to get us through the daily struggles of life.
what we bring to the table of life, is more than we can imagine.
if we truly share who we are...our hearts, souls, and minds...
we could change our lives, and the people around us as well.
because whether or not we'd like to admit it, who we are and how we feel and how we speak...affects others in the grandest of ways...good and bad.
i found this passage this morning, in a wonderful book that an amazing friend let me borrow recently...
'as the layers of falsehood fall away, an intimacy develops with our own truth. ultimately our truth becomes all there is. truth becomes our essence and our reality, our deepest desire, and the air we breathe.'
it's such a beautiful passage about the truth that we hold within us.
and believing that truth, without excuse, and with love.
it begins to be who we are.
no walls or fences...no hiding behind anything.
just wide open spaces.
possibilities beyond belief!
imagine yourself to be,
just who you are.
and that is enough.
more than enough.
enough for all things.

days of new...

the last few days, i've been moving into a new place.
and you know,
when you move into a brand new spot...
that feeling of starting over? fresh, without dents and dings.
like, just because you're in this new apartment or house...
that's what's gonna make the difference.
change your attitude.
bring new perspective.
all of that,
just because you've changed positions.
it is a very interesting feeling, i have to say.
new place, new life.
i keep reminding myself of that.
and as much as i do...
sometimes, it may seem like nothings changing...
but always is, isn't it?
when i moved home 3 months ago, from, it seemed like...
across the world :) which, let me tell you, the drive, made it seem like it. haha! oh, but what really great drive it was.
because the whole time i was driving, completely alone...
i was reminding myself...
'you're gonna do things differently' and 'remember who you are'.
and 'this is your life, you don't have to explain it to anyone or make excuses'.
no one walks in your shoes, except you.
we all have different experiences that make us who we are...
so, we may get caught in the same circumstances at any given moment...
but make distinctly different choices or decisions.
life is full of them, isn't it?
and it's so amazing how one decision can alter everything else.
then again,
supposedly we choose our destiny...we are in control of it.
we are given this great power to decide where we go, what we do, how we live, and who we are.
and sometimes it's so easy to forget that so much is up to us.
our lives our up to us.
we can easily blame our mistakes on others.
we can side step any tough choice, by letting some one else deal with it.
so, yes, the power is within each and every one of us,
to live right,
to watch out for each other,
to speak kindly, even when we don't feel kind,
to give without thought of recieving,
to love, no matter what the case or cause,
and to forgive, when we're not sure we want to.
i can definitely say that it's not the easiest way to live...
in fact, it's really hard,
because as human nature seems to be sometimes,
we react before we think.
but that's the cool part about being human...
we can use our mind to overcome those crazy instincts.
we can take a deep breath in any given situation,
and let our hearts and souls take over.
you might be reading this, thinking...'what in the hell does that have to do with moving into a new aparmtent?'
right right! haha!
well...
i'll tell you this...
it's pretty amazing the feeling of walking into a completely new perspective...
and filling it with old things that you've had for years...
and maybe adding some new things too.
but the powerful part seems to be,
the hope of a new turn.
the thought that, hey, things are changing right before my very eyes.
that each hour, day, week, year...
we are changing, and everything around us is.
the excitement of new friends, new loves, old friends coming back...
that people will be walking in and out of this new place...
and this new life.
that maybe, just maybe...each day is like a new life,
that we get to decide about.
we're not trapped in our lives...
we can climb out anytime we want,
and smell the fresh air.
if we want change in our lives,
we must make it so...
no one else can do that for us.
if we sit idley by and watch life going on,
and don't participate in it,
or try to grow, learn, and change...then we are not living up to who we could be.
it may seem strange that moving into a new place, reminds me of all this...
and maybe i'm just a gypsy that seems to move often, and be reminded often,
about the fragile, changing state of how things are...but...
maybe it also reminds me that change and starting over,
are all just part of life...
an essential part of growth and adaptibility.
so, yeah, basically, i'll wake up tomorrow morning,
and keep moving,
and keep growing,
and keep learning.
hoping for great things to come my way,
and knowing they will.
because they already have.
keep it coming, babe, keep it coming.

taking life as it comes...

this will be a short stream today,
but sometimes we can get things out without as many words as we think we may need.
one of my friends and i, this summer,
have been talkin non-stop, and i mean truly non-stop...
about love.
about enjoying it.
about having it.
about being in it.
about letting go of all that we think...and just having fun in it.
without judgement.
without feeling the need to explain it.
or the need to change it, because it's not happening the way we want...
or maybe not as much that as, just not trusting how we feel or what we feel.
or truly just trying to figure out how it's not gonna happen,
or the disappointment when it doesn't.
we're seriously, our own worst enemies sometimes, aren't we?!
ahaha!
i am here, this day, to say...
fuck it!
i mean, really!
why don't we just all let go of these pre-conceived notions of what we think is gonna happen when we put ourselves out there...
and just do it!
taste it.
touch it.
feel it.
lounge in it.
run with it.
kiss it.
hug it.
stare into it's eyes.
hold it's hand.
WHATEVER!
let loose and let the world feel what you want.
my wild and crazy friend tells me all the time...
'there's something there, there's a reason you're in love, and don't question it...we don't fall in love by ourselves...there's someone else falling too!'
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
we talk late into the night about things of this nature.
and we laugh and scream and laugh some more at ourselves...
because we are this...
we are love!
how crazy is that!? wow!
it makes me laugh just typing this...
and hey, you may be reading this and thinking i'm totally off my face here...
and i may be!
but hey...why not be off our faces a little?!
rumi said...'that all we truly want is to feel love's confusing joy'
i'm here to tell you...
i'm thoroughly and completely confused! haha!
need i say more?

growing pains

i was thinking the other day about how much one person can affect our lives.
change the scope of it...for worse or for better.
make you feel certain things.
love,
anger,
sadness,
joy,
elation,
depression,
and a whole list of physical feelings as well!
it's kinda crazy if you really think about it!
a couple days ago,
i was at work,
working with a guy that is not my favorite person to be in the vicinity of...
for so many reasons...but i'll just say that when i work with him...it's like working by myself...and usually when he's talking...i'm wishing i was by myself...thinking that by now, you get the gist of my problem.
anyways, there i was, working with this guy...
and while he was talking at me...
i began to get these pretty horrible stomach pains.
for hours he talked, and for hours, my stomach would not stop hurting.
sometimes it's so horrible, i literally walk away from him, while he's talking, just so i can take a deep breath and remind myself that, 'hey, honey, we're all in this together...he has a story too...he has light'...
and when i walk back to him...he continues on with whatever he was talking about before...like i never left! oy veh is what i'm saying! haha!
so, anyways, during this whole stomach ache fest...he finally does his usual disappearing act for several hours, leaving me on my own to face the vast amount of golfers, coming in and off the golf course...which believe me, if given the choice...i'd choose doing it alone every time :)
anyways, i realized the other day, during this horid stomach ache, that after he left, and i was able to have a calming breath...
my stomach ache slowly but surely, went away.
this one person...has the power to frustrate me so much...
that i tense up...and have this strangely amazing, harsh pain in my stomach!
how insane is that...
that we let that happen...
i let that happen...
one person!
the thing is...
he doesn't have any control over how i react to his quite bothersome ways.
and even though, i'm so aware of it...i somehow, let it get the best of me, let him get under my skin.
this is the power that we have within us...
no matter how much we would like to argue about it...
we decide, in a way, how we are going to be treated,
or more like...how people are going to affect us,
by not being aware of what's going on inside of our bodies.
it's not the easiest thing, for sure.
but it's also completely do-able.
most days, when i'm going into work, for example...
i know who i'm going to be working with...
it kind of gives me thought to how i will handle my day...
what kind of attitude that i need to have to go into it...
and so on.
if it's at all possible,
trying to be positive, strong, and loving through all of your day,
and reminding yourself of it,
each time our feelings going off course, and we feel frustrated,
it can bring a sort of calm to you,
knowing that it's okay that you feel that way,
but that you're deciding to move past it,
or walk along with it,
because the steps that you're taking,
are yours...
you own them...
you are them.
and the kindness that you show to another human being,
whether you know it or not,
affects their life,
which in turn,
affects another and another and another.
i'm not gonna lie to you though...
i walked away from work the other day...
with anger, frustration, and a whole array of other not so great emotions...
not being able to understand the other living, breathing, human soul that i was working next to...
(because the truth of the matter is, sometimes we're not meant to understand things that go on in life...maybe we're just not ready for it...that takes time)
but the next day...when i went into work...
i reminded myself...
there's no way i can change this guy...
but there's a possibility of me, changing how i deal with how i react to him.
it's a work in progress though...as is all of what i do in this life of mine.
change and learning aren't the easiest things, are they?
but if we are to grow...
we must go through it all...
and sometimes it's just painful...
but on the other side of that...
is a world of understanding.
and a chance to become a better version of ourselves.

driving over bridges...

i happen to have been driving over the bridge this morning,
heading off to do a few errands i've been putting off, as usual...
when the thought crossed my mind of how many times i've driven over this bridge.
you see...if you don't live where i live...
to get off the island, there are two bridges, going in different directions...one sort of north, the other south.
anyways, i was thinking about all the reasons i've driven over the bridge,
ranging from huge moments in my life, to pretty inconsequential moments as well...and it took to me to this place of remembering the array of feelings that went with those trips over that bridge and away from this island.
the few times i've moved away...
off to college,
tucson,
atlanta,
portland.
looking back and feeling excited, nervous, and afraid, all at the same time.
the times when i knew i was in love.
driving to that person,
coming home to them,
being unsure and wobbley inside,
but knowing the best place to be,
was right next to them.
the times when i was starting a new job.
or going to an interview,
that i had no idea if it would be where i'd finally find my place.
which, by the way, the search is still on for fullfillment there.
the times i was just running away.
to get away for the day,
and lose myself,
in a movie, or a bookstore, or a deep dish of nourishment.
looking for a moment of lack of stream of thought,
just to be.
moving back home from wherever,
each time has felt quite a bit different,
even though the driving over the bridge is done in the same way,
the reasons for coming home,
and feelings,
and my life outlook, in general,
were so different,
it's hard to even begin to explain.
the times when i drove over the bridge,
going to doctors visits and surgeries and waiting rooms.
the seriously scary moments,
of being completely unsure of what life would be like,
the next day.
of having that crazy moment of clarity,
that things sometimes,
are just not in our control.
i guess the thing that we have to know in this life...
is that while we're living it,
it's important to drive over that bridge.
that sometimes it's going to be the greatest reason,
to get off our island,
and sometimes not.
but driving up and over and down...
we can feel each and every part of the rise,
the leveling out,
and the descent.
and as long as we're actively participating in that drive...
then...
who knows,
what will be waiting on the other end of that bridge?
the only way you can know,
is by moving forward, with your eyes wide open.
it's within us to drive over to the next bridge,
and feel the fullness of experience,
just maybe differently.
with new vision.
and hope.
so, basically...
yeah, that's what i was thinkin about on my little journey over the bridge today.
how each time over it,
could turn out to be an experience, in and of itself.
how my life is constantly changing and surprising me.
how lucky i truly am to be able to take that drive,
whenever i please.
how perhaps, nothing can really get in the way of where i'm going.
except me.
so, i think i'll just keep driving,
and looking forward to seeing what happens next.

one of those days...

i'm getting the feeling, more and more lately...
that i truly have no idea of the splendor that is hiding behind each turn of my life.
this has been one of those kinds of days where...
it could be the best day of your life...
and, then again...it could be one of the worst.
as it turns out...
as the fates would have it.
my family and i had a 'best day of our life' kinda day.
when you're having one of those days...
you're in the midst of it,
hoping for good things, cringing when anything seems just a little off, and looking for signs that you may or may look for very normally.
we sat for hours today, staring at the walls, staring at each other, trying to sleep, trying to occupy ourselves with reading, watching the constant idiotic stream of the television, wondering what in the world is wrong with mel gibson and his exploding rose garden (that was for you j), and all the while, in the back of our minds, wondering what destiny was going to bring our way today.
the strange part about life is that,
we're here on this earth,
living it,
right next to all of these strangers,
sometimes minding our own business, and sometimes getting involved.
either way...
somehow, one life touches another,
and we witness these things in grand amazement.
feeling emotion for a person next to you,
that you've never even seen before in your life.
but there you are...
in the same waiting area...
feeling, most likely...
the same feelings.
but knowing each of our destiny's is different...
even if it's in the smallest of ways.
maybe it could be compared to a snowflake...
that as much as we look alike from a distance, upon further examination...
there are intricate and delicate differences,
which make us who we are and who we are to become.
i've been thinking a lot lately about faith.
it's one of my struggles, most definitely, in this life.
the letting go of thinking at all that we have control over anything else besides ourselves and our actions, and sometimes even then...i seem to lose it. haha!
and well...
as much as i preach about believing and loving and destiny,
it's still hard to open my hands up,
let go,
and know that it will all be okay...
either way, and no matter what.
that the events that happen in our lives,
are synchronized somehow into this crazy, big ben like, clock...
ticking away in perfect rythmn.
and the bell tolls in order to remind us to pay attention.
to wake up.
to live life.
in this exact moment.
right now.
no excuses.
no questions asked.
love hard. love strong. love big.
because each moment that you are here...
should be lived, as wildly and as passionately as you can.
being an athlete all my life...there's a thing you think about when you play...
you want to play so hard...that there's nothing left in you, when you walk off the court, field, pool, whatever.
you want to leave it all out there.
well...
that's how life and love should be...
when we look back at it...
we should have left it all out there.
without regret and with a smile on our face.
teary eyed, sweat stained, bruised and tired...
and completely satisfied...
that we've done everything we wanted to do.
without fear.

a little lost...

i'm sitting here,
and i have nothing to say.
well, maybe i do, but maybe i should just write.
it's something flannery o'conner believed in...
that if you wanted to be a writer...
each day...you should sit down and write...
no matter what.
if you have anything to write or not...just write.
hmmmmmmmmm...
at this very moment...that seems pretty impossible.
but...
at this very moment...i'm thinking that maybe i should be giving this idea
a chance to work it's magic.
i don't know about you,
but
i have quite a few fears.
when i was younger...i really really hated scary movies.
if i watched them...totally had to sleep with the light on...i'd even say prayers out loud, and have conversations with god to distract me from the fear at hand. haha!
i had definite fear of the end of the world coming...being that i was at church and revelations was the scariest sounding book in the bible...hell, fire, and brimstone in the first baptist church, led me to many nights of fear.
i was, and am still (but not quite as badly now) afraid of failure.
of course now, i realize, the only way to find success is to make a shit ton of mistakes :)
which i have done, and most likely and hopefully, will continue to do.
maybe not in such a grand scale...but who knows!?
i've never had so much the fear of being alone...but don't get me wrong...i'd rather not end up alone...i'd rather be sitting on the porch, growing grey headed with a lovely and amazing woman by my side, to share my life with...growing grey headed, just the same...can't do that alone. haha!
there's always that fear of loving someone and them not loving you back...what do you do then? or do you even tell them? i'm starting to believe, more and more...that you do just tell them. love is meant to be shared...it is meant to be given, without regard of getting it back.
although, that being said...of course we want it back...we want to look across at that person, and know that they have a feeling for us that is so grand, that just being in the same room with them makes you feel warmth, tenderness, passion, and soul. that you just can't help but want to reach out to them and touch them...just to know they are there, and it's not just a dream :)
one of my biggest fears has been to grow old...
this hasn't happened in a long time...
but it would literally keep me up at night.
the thoughts of it, reeling through my head.
i know it's one of those truths in life.
one of those things that has to happen.
life is so amazing, truthfully...
but also so inexplicable.
i wrote my last blog on love and timing and destiny.
well, i guess, all of these things have a way of having their own timing.
the good and the bad.
i was talking to one of my friends tonight...
and she reminded me to just breathe...
just like in yoga.
there are parts of the yoga practice that the teachers are calling out to us about inhaling and exhaling.
as if...
we're not already doing it...
but the truth of the matter is that sometimes we're just not even aware of what we're doing in this life...
until someone reminds us...
inhale
and
exhale

july fourth...

so, yeah, i was at work this morning,
thinking about writing something today.
something that would be sort of patriotic in a sense,
since it is independece day and all!
and this is what i came up with...
and seriously, whether or not it seems like a 4th of july blog...
it might only ring true in my head.
haha! which normally, that's how it works...since i'm the only one in my head :)
well, there may actually be other people accompanying me in my head, but that's a whole other story...whole other blog! haha!
way whole other blog!
anyways, back to the message at hand...
last night, i was at my parents house, having dinner with my mom, dad, and older brother.
it was a simple meal of shrimp and potatoes, finished off with some most excellent peach cobbler.
we talked and laughed and told stories.
and my bro even told a pretty awesome joke that we chuckled heavily about...you know, one of those airless sounding laughs...love those!
but as i was sitting there, i was thinkin about my brother.
he's this amazing man, husband, and father.
but in recent times he was a marine...
i guess they say that once marine, always a marine.
well, he was marine from the time he got out of high school until a couple years ago...the career marine.
now that he's retired, our family can breath easier, for sure.
but looking at him, you wouldn't know what he's been through or where he's been...
because he has these sweet eyes and cheshire cat grin.
he's a fisherman and a gardner at heart, and an astounding chef.
but this man, i call my brother,
has been to the other side and back...
for this country...
he never asked questions...
he just went...
and he stood fearlessly, looking in every face of danger...
because he knew that's what he signed up for.
now him and i...we are so different, and we don't agree on many things...i am a total bleeding heart kinda girl, and we've argued til our faces were red and sweaty.
and have to apologize countless times to each other.
one time i even remember him apologizing to me, and saying 'i'm sorry that you're such a democrat, but i love you' haha!
but he is my brother...and i am ultimately so proud of the man that he is.
he has courage and honor and commitment to the call of duty.
i may never understand what he's seen,
but looking at him, makes me know just how much people have to go through to find independence.
that there are thousands upon thousands of men and women, that are in a constant fight for it, each day.
it's crazy to think...when i'm sitting here, enjoying my afternoon...that people all over this world are fighting for freedom and a choice.
so, no matter how far on opposite ends, my brother and i are.
we have the same blood in us...
we know so many of the same stories...
we laugh at the same jokes...
we have very similar features...
and we grew up fighting each other,
but loving each other as well.
i can't help but love that man when i look at him.
and i can't help but be proud of him,
and what he stands for.
happy independence day to you all.

'live high, live mighty, live righteously...'

so, the last few days...or i actually should more like say...
my entire adult existence...
my one main thought...
has been about love.
how it happens.
where it comes from.
what to do when you lose it.
how to keep it near.
what happens in between when its nowhere to be seen.
whether or not to shout it out,
or
keep it close to the vest,
when its there...and you feel it.
wow!
the amazingness of it all!
when it happens!
the loss of control of what to do with yourself!
the feelings that...that person is the person you think of first and last...in every sentence, during every hour, and throughout your day!
and if by some crazily lucky chance,
that person feels that way about you!
oh my god!
like two worlds colliding!
ultimately, the best feeling one can feel.
so, why is it that we are so afraid to admit it?
why don't we just tell each other of this amazing connection that we feel?
this burst of energy and delight.
seriously!
and if you do say something to that person...
and they think you're out of your mind...
well, then, maybe that's not the right person.
but then why are those feelings there?
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
the wonderful part about it all.
is timing.
when everything is as it should be...
then there it is...
staring you in the face...
working itself out...
and you're falling...
like little pieces of a puzzle...
right into place...
fitting smoothly...
and perfectly...
to look like one big picture.
the thing i've been learning the last two months
is that whether or not we're paying attention...
these things are falling into place.
and destiny is so beautifully working,
as loud as your heart beats when that person, that somehow gets you,
walks into the room.
that things seem to build on each other,
when we're making this decision,
and that one.
that all of a sudden,
the bigger picture is sitting, right there in front of you.
and it's so overwhelming,
that you have to take a deep breath in to know that you are alive,
and that this is happening.
it seems as if,
there's this steady stream of people,
that flow in and out of my life...
but almost inevitabley,
the right people are there,
at just the right time.
it makes me know that we're not just here,
floating around,
making no sense...
because, for some strange reason,
destiny,
makes it make sense.
when we're making one choice,
we just have no idea how it will change our lives,
down the road.
and how perfectly insane it seems,
when looking back at it...
you realize, how right you were by listening to your intuition.
and yes...
you may be wondering where all of that fits in to love?
well...
it is a great mystery,
to figure out the why, the how, the who, the when, the where.
whether to be quiet, hold back, give a little, take a little.
rock it out, shout it to the mountain tops.
fight for it or walk away, and start fresh.
question of the ages, isn't it?
for me,
being the clumsily goofy, hopeless romantic that i am...
well, i, of course, say....
go with your heart, baby cakes,
go with your heart.
either way...all we can do...
is be true to who we are.
make no excuses.
and just be.
no games, no walls, no barriers.
just you.
the best thing you can offer another person, most assuredly...is love.

write when you are....

what a beautiful morning it truly is!
besides the fact that i had one or two drinks too many last night,
and there was no milk for my lovely cup of joe this morning, which meant i had to roust myself out of bed, and jump in my human transport device, walk into the store, a little bleary eyed, and purchase the oh, so lovely organic valley wholeness...
sitting here, in my spot, and looking out onto the world...
i have to say...
not bad, not bad at all.
i pretty much have it made...
and to people on the outside, looking in...
i totally do.
funny thing is...
along the way in this life...
i've run head on into walls...
i've had near misses...
collisions with souls way bigger than myself...
and had the shit scared out me by a couple people along the way.
but here i am...
smiling...typing...drinking cofee...and thinking of, as ani difranco would say...'my next bold move'
goddess bless you, ani difranco!
you are one smooth dame! :)
anyways, i find sometimes that it's so easy to forget about the beauty that surrounds us...because we're looking at it, day in and day out...we just pass it by...like its ordinary or something.
then one day...you catch a glimpse of something out of the corner of your scope of sight...and there you are...looking at the same thing you see everyday...and yet...it looks different...bolder...more colorful...lovely in every way.
suddenly, you're awake again!
what makes that happen?
hmmmmmmmmmmm....who knows?!
but the truth of the matter is...we're just so lucky to remember it.
to go back to a place that we've visited a million times...and see something new in it.
and no, it's not ordinary.
nothing in life ever really is,
if we open our eyes and take it in fully.
no person, no place, and no thing.
beauty finds us in every corner, crack, and crevice...
and sometimes, i guess, by some sort of strange and wacky luck...
we come upon exactly what we need at exactly the right time.
one of those mysteries of life.
when i drive to work, early in the morning sometimes,
i drive along this strip of road that borders the beach...
i always look for the colors that are in the early morning sky...
hues of blues, oranges, yellows, purples, and pinks.
one of the most beautiful things to behold, really.
i usually have my windows rolled down, and have chosen a good song to roll into work on...lately that's john mayer...'say what you need to say' or 'gravity'.
anyways, there are days that when i am looking out my window...i just can't believe what i'm seeing...how each day is different in the sky.
and as i'm driving, sometimes i just have to wave a hand out my window, or scream into the early morning that 'hey, i see you, and i love you!'.
hahahhahahhaha! makes me laugh just thinking about it!
but why not, eh?
i've recently been reading a book that described the horizon as being 'the hem of heaven'....
hmmmmmm....doesn't that sound peaceful and beautiful?
we see it everyday.
and yet...we pass it by...without a thought.
person, place, or thing.
what have we forgotten to see in this life of ours?

first timers fear...

well, since setting this up yesterday, i've been sorta racking my brain to write the most amazing first blog ever...
then i realized this morning, that most likely, i just need to write, and let what comes out, come out.
wasn't sure whether or not i should do a little intro of myself...tell about my life...where i'm coming from...or...where i've been...
then again, if i'm lucky enough to have anyone read this a time or two...
that will probably be a learned thing, through what i put on these pages, eh?
instead of revealing my life story the first day...
maybe i should take some time, and tell it slowly.
mostly, i'm the kind of person who wakes up in the morning with a thought in my head, and that is the day that i sit down and write.
and yes, i've been warning people for years now, that this is what i was going to do...and now that it's here, and i'm sitting in front of my computer, p.j.'s still on, sleep in my eyes, cafe con leche by my side...and
i'm scared that i may have nothing to say.
but as several of my friends know...there's always something brewing up inside this brain of mine, and hopefully, this is something i can throw out to you as well.
i'll leave you with this...
i've discovered recently, in my life, that a change of perspective from any situation that you are in, can truly alter how you feel, how you look, how others treat you, how you view each day that comes to you, and how you appreciate it all, in the grand scheme of things.
whether it be through an actual change of scenery, or a new job, or the simple luck of meeting a new person...anything really...
so, i was thinking that maybe that's one of those things in life that we have to remind ourselves about...
that things that we go through in life...good and bad...
they are just temporary.
and that if we can just keep changing our perspective and learn new things from it...that we can make it through just about anything.
that it is true, that we are in a huge way, in control of our own destiny...
even if crazy ass things happen to us along the way!
which they do, without a doubt.
the only hard time i have with that, is that if everything is temporary...then that good stuff thats going down in our lives...that has to end too? hmmmmmmm...
i'm not sure how to feel about that (you know that saying 'all good things must come to an end'?) i'd kind of like to fight that part, myself, i'm not gonna lie to you...because at this moment in my life...so much good is happening...i just don't even know what to think!
and the truth is...all we can do is try to be the best version of ourselves that we can possibley be...make good choices...don't hurt others or at least own up to our mistakes when we make them and apologize with heart...live life as clean as we can...be true to who we are...speak honestly in regard to our feelings...and love with effin scarily crazy wild abandon.
so, either way...whatevers going on...good and bad...pay attention...be aware...appreciate it all!
with each breath, life changes.
roll with it, and love it.
because the next moment will be different.
and there's just another bit of good or bad,
waiting to say hello...
wondering how you will act and react.
what a wild ride eh? :)