being ridiculous...

well, here we are...
just a few days from the new year, and it happens to be a lil over 2 months since i've sat myself down to write on this here, HFD blog site of mine.
lazy right?
yeah, i'd say so!
it's funny, this mornin, when i got up, i thought, 'okay, honey, you're gonna write today'...
and i proceeded to find lil things to do in my apartment...ridiculous! 
i am ridiculous!  haha!
i recall several years ago, this girl i was havin a drink with at a local bar, tellin me, just that...
that i was ridiculous...hahahhahaha!
i can't lie to you, after she said it the third or fourth time, i was over it, and wanted to tell her off...
but...
the more i think about it, the more i know it's true :)  haha!
the actual reason she was telling me i was ridiculous is because of my thoughts of love and of not giving up on people.
so, yeah...in that sense...i'm definitely ridiculous...without a doubt!
haha!
was thinkin as i was doing my dishes this morning, and avoiding writing, about all of the things that i've written about as of late...
and i'm thinkin, yeah, most of them have been love related, family related, dream related, or faith & hope related...
which in a sense, all fall back to love...
love, love, love.
geeeeeeeeeeeeez!
makes you wonder...what is wrong with me, right?!  haha!
yeah,  i wonder the same thing, believe me.
but here's my thought...
you know how at the end of a year, everyone sits down and thinks about what they want to change...
and how they're gonna make that happen...
about lists and goals...
all of that.
yeah...i think i've written about that as well...
and it's what i do too.
looking back on this year...wow...it's been some kind of year.
i've been on a few trips...fallen for a couple girls...danced a lot...toasted here and there to fun nights...sweated grossly to loads of spin and yoga...boogie boarded many of the summer days...laughed and talked my way into the night...and some of the mornings :)  haha!
i wouldn't change a thing...really!  i wouldn't!
i know though, that life must continue to go on...
that we must continue to learn...to seek...to make mistakes (as for me, crazy amounts of them, it seems! haha!)
i was talking to one of the kids i work with the other day...and we spoke of the life long search...the search that doesn't seem to ever end...
and we were figuring, that if you stop searching, then maybe you're not learning.
and when you're not learning, you're standing still.
as i see it, i feel as if, since i graduated from college...way back when...i've been searching non-stop for what it is that i should do with my life, where i fit in, what makes me happy, who are the people that make my life better...
all of those questions...they've been answered...partly...
but then more grow from there...
that's the funny thing about life, eh?
we can stand still for a few moments...
look at the view...
but then...we just have to keep moving...keep walking forward...
and sometimes run.  yep...even slow, like me.
haha!
i think that maybe i'll never know some of it...
but i know i'll feel it.
what it feels like to be happy in a moment.
      to know that i fit in, here and there.
              to know what love is...wherever it comes from.
                        to laugh with my family.
                                to laugh at myself.
                                           to feel absolutely high as kite without a drug inside of me.
i know this because my search for everything...
            is never-ending.
so, at this point in my life...i'm 45 years old.
i forget that as soon as i hear music...haha!  and raise my hands in the air, and start dancing.
i don't seem to notice it when i'm flying through a spin class or in a tree pose in yoga.
i absolutely feel like a child when the waves are carrying me through til i hit the sand.
yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
the truth is...
who cares?!
life will always be what you make of it.
always.
i pledge to keep seeking...to keep falling in love...to keep growing...to keep reading...and to keep living...
i'm figuring...
if i do all that...well...who knows what will happen...what will come along?
and who will come along to teach me?
i don't know...
but am looking foward to seeing!
so, with all of that...
i say to you...
here's to another year...
of everything! 
and another year of being absolutely ridiculous :)

"i thank you God for this most amazing day:
for the leaping greenly spirits of trees and a blue true dream of sky:
and for everything which is natural which is infinite which is yes..."
~e.e. cummings~

strangers...

once again, i've decided to work from my beach steps... it's the coolest, crispest mornin we've had so far this year, and the ocean is beautiful and welcoming... the sun was rising just as i was walkin up my steps... perfection, i have to say :) today, i come to you, a person that has no idea, but is full of wonder and amazement about life, and the reasons that things happen the way they do. i have just returned from a trip to puerto rico, my birthplace, and my mom's country of origin. you know, i try to describe it to people that haven't been there, and it's so hard to explain the feelin you get when you go there. or, at least, when i go there. the difference of life, culture, and view is somethin that is palpable when you're there. i smile, just thinkin of it, just like anythin or anyone you love, you just can't help but smile when thinkin of it. that's how i feel about puerto rico. a smile on my face :) so, here's the story... and my purpose for writing this mornin is to work through the funny shit that's truly unexplainable about life... our first day, our flight, or maybe i should say flights, were delayed several times, that we didn't make it to la isla de encanta til 10 at night, missin our first day there...but during this wait we had interactions with several different passengers, tryin to make it there as well... one of them had randomly told me that he was goin to my mom's hometown, and we talked about the fact that we were goin to the same place. it's funny how complete strangers count on each other for support and hope that maybe we'll make it there...haha...but we did... so, fast forward to the next day, we're in my mom's hometown, goin to grab a drink after a day of lounging and hanging out...when we were parking, i made a joke, saying, 'hey, wouldn't that be funny, if that guy from the plane was here, when we walk in?'... and i'm guessing you can guess what happened...he was there! hahhahahhaha! my mom and i screamed out together, like he was a dear old friend. he ended up sitting with us for a couple of hours/drinks, and as it turns out, lives in a town nearby us in florida...and we even know a few of the same people. crazy! we exchanged numbers, and as i walked away, thought to myself, 'how insane and random life can be'...almost like this guy was placed in that exact spot for us to meet him. wow. okay, so now let's backtrack...when we finally made it on our flight to pr from miami, we were seated on the absolute last row...one seat open next to me...a girl ended up sitting there that had talked to my mom in the line for check in...she was young, looked like a student...and as i quietly looked over to what she was reading, i noticed it was in spanish, and she had her pen and highlighter out, markin up her book like crazy. i assumed she was a student, and at a certain point, i asked her if her book was good...from that moment, we talked the rest of the way to san juan...turns out she had just run the chicago marathon, so, that, of course, sent our conversation in many directions...we had loads in common...and it was genuinely a truly lovely and fun conversation. and my assumption of being a student wasn't correct, by the way, she just reads like that, which was another great reason to talk to her, i knew as soon as she said that, that we were kindred spirits. i ended up giving her my blog address and told her to check it out. fast forward... when i made it home, i jumped on my blogsite, and noticed i had a new member... yep...it was her...even a nice comment at the end of my most recent posting. it made me happy to see...a complete stranger, goin out of their way for you. makes me know that in this world, there is still kindness and general interest in communion of spirit. which brings me to my last day in puerto rico, my aunt drops me off at the airport, and i walk in, begrudgingly wishin i had a lil more time to do a couple more things in my beloved puerto rico... but, at the same time, knowing my time was just as it should be...full. of everything possible, most definitely, because when i go there, it's not a touristy type visit, it's a visit of family, of love, and of life...lots of life and laughter :) so, i made my way to the gate, and waited to board...during this sit, i listened to the conversation of the young people next to me...it was pretty hilarious, and it gave me entertainment for the wait. i don't know about you guys, but i have to admit, i'm like 'big brother' when i'm at a restaurant, or bar, or in public, generally, listening in randomly to people's conversations...i can't lie, it's quite fun and interesting...and sometimes, makes me realize how connected and similar we all are. anyways, it was time to board, and as i walked down the aisle, i wondered, 'who will be next to me?'...and as soon as i sat down, the lady the i had to sit next to, began with, 'would you like a piece of gum?'... out of sheer habit, i took it, but then thought to myself, 'i hope this lady's not crazy and has drugged this lil chiclet that i'm shoving into my mouth'...hahhahahhaha...but shoved it, i did :) as i pulled out my book, she looked over and asked it what it was... and here we go... the trip was 2 and a half hours...and there wasn't a silent moment. i can't begin to explain to you the conversation that we had... but long story, short...it was like the twilight zone...i kept thinkin, how is this possible that this woman is sitting next to me, speakin of the exact things that i needed to hear in this moment in my life? the subjects spanned from finances, to dreams, to love, and to faith... she was insanely passionate about life, and for some reason, kept telling me that she could tell that i could do all these things that i've dreamed of, and what was i waiting for... like this absolute stranger believed in me, more than i believed in myself... god, i gotta tell ya, as she spoke to me, i was taken aback by the fact that what she said was all too true...i wasn't sure what to think, honestly, but was thankful and scared, all at the same time... like where the hell did this woman come from?! hahahhahhaha! i walked off the plane, a lil bit dazed, and told my dad of the conversation that i had just had with this woman, and he quickly agreed that the woman was right. so, there you go... 3 strangers on a trip to see people i've known all of my life... and yet...they made all of the difference on this lil vacation i was luckily given. it does make me wonder about how people come into our lives... and how it seems that sometimes it feels like perfect timing... that it is all happening for a reason...that nothin is a mistake. i'm astounded by this more often than not...but in my recent days, i can't even begin to explain to you how often i think that. wow wow wow... life is surely a mystery! but what an intersting mystery it is :) so, i guess what i'm saying is pay attention...be aware...cuz honestly, crazy shit is goin on all around us...amazing stuff! funny stuff! stuff worth writing about...stuff worth thinking about...life is right in front of our faces, rollin by, askin us to come along... go with it... live it... love it... because after all, it's our one and only life to live. laugh, love, live, eat, drink, be merry, run, walk, sprint...but go there...it's all yours... people come and go... and maybe they do, to remind you of what you're missing or maybe where you need to be going. i fear of a lot in life...but here's the thing i keep learning...that holding onto these fears i have, it only gets in the way of living. it takes away the juice that life is so full of... as for me, i don't want to let that fear have even a drop of my juice of life. screw that... keep fighting, my friends...and live :)

friends

hello there, everyone... and welcome to a pretty lovely thursday, if i do say so myself... i'm sorta ending it by writing this here lil blog of mine :) anyways, just a lil while ago, i was sitting on my beach steps... yes, i know, i said my beach steps... they're really the city's steps... but for all intents and purposes, i'm goin with the fact that i think they're mine. haha! so, i got to watch the moon rise... and damn, damn, damn...what an amazing sight it was! wow! insane really...i was just sitting there, chatting with a friend of mine, not totally paying attention to what was happening right before my very eyes, and there it was...in the palest of blue skies...with lil whisps of clouds, and some very tiny orangey pink streaks... geeeeeeeeeeeesh! just can't get enough of that, i can't lie...it's one of the coolest things to see, and be blown away by just looking up and seeing this thing of beauty, thousands and thousands of miles away from us, and yet still, can take your breath away! god, that makes me happy! so, now, here i am... and i'm thinkin about how these things of beauty just appear.. out of nowhere...then all of a sudden...there you are... speechless...and saying 'woah!'...'check that out!'... that's kinda how life is isn't it? out of nowhere, things happen... people happen... greatness happens... grace happens... destiny. that being said, i have been thinkin back a lot about my childhood... and about friends...from my past...and...from my present. how they're all so different...but in the greatest of ways... ways that change a person...teach a person...make a person grow. the reason i've been thinkin about the importance of friendship is that very recently, one of my best friends moved to california. about 3 weeks ago, i would say...and building up to that moment that she drove away, i knew that my life would be so different without her here... that it would seem less full. you know what i mean? i mean...think about it...think about those friends of yours that change the scope of your day...that are there for everything. these people that talk you out of what you need to be talked out of, whether it be a horrible outfit, a girl/guy that you don't need to call back, that extra drink that you may or may not need, or even talk you into havin fun when that's exactly what you need. the list goes on... but you get what i mean... these people...these friends... they make all the difference in the world... and yeah, even some days, they are just that...your world. i know that for me, i've been really lucky. i've had amazing friends throughout my life. so many great times...so much to look back on and smile. i was telling a kid i work with about the things we used to do when i was growing up, right down the road in hilliard. if you haven't been there, when i lived there, from 3rd grade to 12th grade, we only had one red light in the town. life was different then. we lived on a dirt road on 2 acres of land. our house and barn was on the front acre (which, by the way, was huge, the barn, that is, well, the top portion being a bedroom, which i got to move into when my brothers moved out...sweet, eh?), then we had a back acre that housed a chicken coop with cackling hens and roosters, a stable for our cow, martha, and my lil horse, rusty...and a running track for my dad... we also used that for our motorcycles...yeah...we each had a motorcycle. haha! i can see it now. i had a cool white helmet :) the thing is...in every house on that dirt road, there were two kids, at least... we had the biggest games of football, basketball, flatball and jugball (two games we made up when we didn't have a use-able ball, bike races, and some weird game that we used to play in the neighbor's yard trampoline, like it was a battle ship and our bikes were the planes...hilarious! there were bonfires and cookouts and fellowships after church. we had everything we needed right on that road. when i think of it, i smile, because i remember those friends with fondness. it's one of the reasons i ended up an athlete...besides the fact that i think i came out of my mom's womb, ready to throw, catch, and shoot whatever ball was near me (haha!)...i was surrounded by friends that loved to play and play always... until our parents were calling us inside...and we were mad when they did, begging for more minutes, even though it was so dark and you couldn't see a ball anyways. haha! when i became old enough to ride a 10 speed, i was off to the races, riding over to my friend's house to play tennis for hours on end...or ride to the jiffy to play the pinball machine with the pocket full of quarters i had saved up, just for that purpose. the fun birthday parties that always ended up with 'spin the bottle' or '7 minutes in heaven', or a crazy game of hide and seek at the high school across the street... skate parties in folkston, a town 15 minutes down the road from us. the high school dances, that somewhere in my memory, i can remember my older brother playin in a band, and the big songs were 'free bird' and 'i went back to ohio'...for some reason i can't remember any other song they played. hahahhahaha! oh wow...the times we all had! mcdonalds in callahan, hardees in folkston after youth group. my list goes on an on... and all of that...none of it would have been possible or much fun at all without friends... good ones. and they were great. the greatest. when i tell these stories to this kid, he says to me, 'wow, it sounds like you had a really fun time when you were growing up', because while i'm telling these stories to him, i'm smiling the entire time and laughing at myself, wrapped up in the warmth of the memories of it all. looking back, i can't believe how great i had it. and looking at my life now, i know that i have it great now too. my entire life i've been surrounded by a melting pot of the best people possible. people that push me, that pull me in, that scold me when i need it, and believe me, i need it more often than not, that remind me who i am, and sometimes just give that much needed 6 second hug. these friends are what get me through the moments in my life that i'm unsure where i'm going or what i'm doing, or, lets be honest, they have a few drinks with you just because it's friday night. it's these people that make all the difference. and that have made all the difference. in my life. as you get older, you begin to realize how special a good friendship is... and how difficult it is to find a truly great friend... my friend that just moved away...she had a way of just walkin into the room...and somehow on somedays, that's what would save me...just that she was there. so, with that being said... if you have friends like this, whether it's been awhile or it was just an hour ago that you talked to them...make sure you tell 'em how you feel...how important they are to you...what they've done for you. because in that... you're showing them one of the coolest parts of friendship... your heart. so, don't be afraid to show your heart, because here's the truly genius part of this whole friendship deal... if you show your heart and it gets handed back to you in crumply pieces, that's where the good friend part comes in handy... because there they'll be, to help you stand again, to help you get it back together, to make you laugh when you think absolutely nothin is funny, and to put their hand on your back and force you through that door you thought you'd never walk through. so, yeah...as for me...to all of you people that did all that, and continue to do so...thank you, a million times over, for being that simple, but perfectly outstanding thing we call a 'friend'. i'm honored and lucky to have you throughout all the chapters of my funny little life. without you, i'm not so sure i could call it a life. but a life it surely is...a full one.

mad

summer is flowing along here, in this lil island town. some days it's easy to forget to eat, when you're havin such a good time... thus... i've sorta forgotten to write... not truly forgotten... but neglected, is more like it. there are so many stories in my head, at the moment... not sure where to start, and hopefully make some good 'moral to the story' kinda thought... or...i don't know. that's where i've been lately, it seems... i don't knows-ville... not a bad place to visit... but you definitely don't want to live there :) haha! anyways... have thought about the different ways we have to inspire ourselves... and how those ways just come up quite naturally, while you're living your life. the funny thing is... i've told you guys many stories of walking through publix... makes me sorta laugh, because well, so many things happen there. haha! it seems as if at least 4 days out of the 7, for me, are spent, walkin into that place... you'd think i was feeding a family of five! haha! that's what the cashier must be thinkin :) where does this girl put all of her food? hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... i may be a publix mystery :) ahahhahahha! well, okay, onto my point or story, whichever the case may be. before goin to publix i was at work, and this man came off the course, we went through the usual 'how'd it go?' and 'did you have a good time?' kind of questions... and then i was standing there with him, waiting for his friend to pick him up and somehow we came to the subject of life and how good it is here. and he said to me that everyday that he's alive is a good day, because 25 years ago he had cancer, went through an insane amount of chemo and everything else, and yet, here he is...still alive and kickin...so literally, for him, everyday is a blessing. there's a saying on the golf course, 'a bad day on the golf course is better than a good day at work'... well, i usually am not totally sure that's a correct statement... and i sometimes bring it up, when a golfer mentions it to me... maybe because i'm hot and sweaty and lugging their 50 lb. bags around, or maybe too, because i've had holes in tournaments that have literally brought me to tears... so really, i could go either way...which is pretty damn funny when you think about it. but this man had been through hell and back, in the old school days of cancer treatment as well...25 years ago...and he was thankful that he made it out alive. that'll definitely change anyone's life, ya know? he was funny and honest and full of energy... and it was a delight to see a man so sure that life was good, any way you put it. i walked out of work that day, inspired, thinkin, 'if this guy had the fortitude to make it through all of that, then whatever is bothering me in my life, well, i can handle.' so, i jumped in my cube, full of vimm and vigor, and rolled on to publix, of course :) i always seem to walk the same route, when i go there... i make a bee line to the bakery, then the veggie section, and so on and so forth. well, that day, i walked up to the bakery section and there was an older woman there, that i used to play golf with years and years ago... i'm not gonna lie to you, it's been about 20 or so years, and back then this woman was old in my eyes...so, you get the picture :) anyways, she was always quite spunky, full of shit a bit, and not afraid to say what was what. but seeing her that day, i asked her how she was doing and if she was getting out on the course anymore...she replied no, but that she still had her clubs in the car. i told her that it was a good sign that she still had 'em in there, that it meant that maybe she'd play someday soon. i asked why she hadn't been playin, and she went on to tell me that since her second husband had died, she hadn't really felt like doing anything. i, of course, told her that i was sorry to hear that. then she went on to tell me about her life a lil bit. she told how much she had enjoyed her husband and how wonderful had been to her. that right at the end of her first marriage, when she had decided to ask her husband for a divorce, because she just couldn't take it anymore...she went home to tell him that she was going to leave him...and before she could...he died...literally. she had a bit of a sparkle in her eye when she told me it was the biggest blessing in the world...i know that sounds bad...but she chuckled at how strange life is, that finally when she had had enough...and was ready to stand up for herself...he was gone. and she was able to live life, in a better, happier, sweeter way. and the crazy part of that is that, all this time i had known her, i had no idea she had a heart... but with teary eyes, she told me, that she went from this man that she could do no right with, to a man that saw her as a woman that could do no wrong. it's making me tear up just typing this. to see the look in her eye when she told me that...well...it makes you kinda think that in this world that seems so lacking somedays of love... well there it is. i can't imagine spending my days with a person that viewed me like that, and when they're gone...to get up and move forward and keep living. oh, wow, that's gotta be such a struggle. what does a person do? okay, maybe that doesn't seem inspirational to you... but here's how i look at it: life and love, they're out of control sometimes, ya know? we're going along, thinking, feeling, doing...at every turn, we make decisions that we think are the one's we should make... the right one's... we think. but who's to know? really. to somehow, fall in love, or run into it, or run away from it, or feel it at all... well, shit, sometimes that's all we can hope for. yes... we'd like it to stay... out of fear, we grasp at everything that we can that even closely resembles it, because it makes us feel good. or excited. or less numb. something. i, for one, want to have it and feel it, as much as possible. it seems like its the thing that puts the color into life. i have this horrible tendency, in my life, to over-share... and believe me, there are definitely people that can attest to this... then again, these are the people that i choose to over-share with... i guess because in my life, i'd like to share my heart, and i feel like you have to do that with the people you love... don't get me wrong though... it's quite annoying for others and also a bit too much. but i justify it in my head and heart, thinking i'd rather be a bit too much, than be less than enough. which, i don't know about you, but there are enough times in my life that i feel already that i'm less than enough. so, i figure, put it all out there...show your heart. i was thinkin recently...'one day, honey, it's gonna happen...there'll be that person that takes what you're giving, and turns around and gives it back to you.' i don't know if i was thinking that so much as hoping that, i gotta be honest. i confessed to one of my good friends the other day that i wasn't sure i could remember what that feels like anymore...and how scared that made me to think that it had been so long...and how i wasn't totally sure how i would re-act to it. but here's the thing. no one knows how we're gonna re-act to anything... til it happens... i guess that's when all of what you know, what you've been through, and who you are takes over. i'm hoping, that i've learned enough to re-act well... to look straight ahead and not be afraid. everywhere i look, i'm inspired by regular, ordinary people. inspired to love, to fight, to live, to be happy, and to hope. i leave you with these few lines by jack kerouac about the kind of person i want to be and the kind of people i want to be surrounded by... "the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everyone goes, 'Awwwwwwwwwwww!" so, me? yeah...i want to be mad :)

til the end...

well... here we are... once again i've labored over what to write and how it will come across... geez... somedays i do wonder what in the world is wrong with me? haha! okay, don't answer too quickly, my friends :) haha! anyways, the truth is...there have been, oh, so many reasons to write lately, but i've found reasons not to write... because of being unsure of how i will sound or how i will be taken. maybe that is something normal when one is writing and putting it out there. this worry...this concern...this hope for the next one being as good as the last, or better, hopefully. or if it's any good at all, in the first place. that need for acknowledgement or acceptance. pshhhhhhhhht...who knows? it's like i'm havin a competition with myself... which is one of those human conditions, isn't it? always more critical than what somebody else would be. i love putting it down, and sending it out... it's like freedom... like, 'here i am'...'take me as i am' scary but exciting! so, why don't we just roll into this together, shall we? i was tellin my yoga instructor the other day that i had an idea for a topic for my next blog, but wasn't sure how it was gonna come out... that maybe what i was gonna write about was sorta like, 'beating a dead horse'... it's been talked and talked about...what would it resolve really? but it's what has been on my mind lately... so, he said to me...'just write what's in your heart...that's what it's all about...don't hold back...be truthful and honest...after all, that's what makes reading your writing, interesting and you.' which i agree with whole-heartedly...it's the reason i started writing really... to get it out. originally, i planned on making it totally anonymous so that i could write whatever i wanted to, and not be afraid... but then i thought, how could i do that? i need to stand behind what i say and have the courage to say it, no matter what people are thinking... it's so easy to veer into the other lane, writing what you think other people are wanting to hear... but then... that defeats the whole purpose, doesn't it? funny thing is...that's just the back story to it all... here's my thought... and i hope it's not too long of a thought for you guys... i'm kind of a long story teller...some people tune out, quite early... like a long voice mail...i am that :) some of my friends, just delete me before they get to the end of it... but that's just it...the end might be the most important part of the message... some days we just have to have the patience to wait til the end...because it might be there...that thing...that hook...that love...the p.s. part :) the end could make all the difference in the world... but we're so in a hurry, we skip parts...god, why do we do that?! they say the journey is the reward... so freakin journey with me, you guys...don't skip to the end... just ride with me for a few minutes :) it might be worth it...but then again...maybe not. haha! that's kind of up to you, isn't it? haha! well, here goes...and yes, i know this is gonna be a long one... i'll apologize right now...should have gotten to the point faster... but it's just not who i am or how i feel today, so i'm goin with that. sometimes, in life, i've decided, that there's nothin we can do about just being ourselves, that we should be exactly just that...plain and simple...ugly...honest...long-winded...goofy...embarassing...whatever it is...be ourselves. it's so tiresome not to be, ya know? so, here's the thing... as you know...i'm gay...i know, big surprise right? the topic of gay marriage has been pretty heated lately... for some reason, it really gets to me... to listen to all the arguements...all the reasons that a person like me shouldn't be allowed to get married... well, i have to be honest...it really pisses me off...it really picks away at my soul...it disintegrates the faith that we all want to have in this world we live in. although i know that i'm surrounded by people that love me for who i am, and yes, despite who i am, i am so unbelievabley bothered by this issue. that even though i'm not dating anyone or have even the remote chance of dating anyone, it seems like this issue just wears away at my heart. people are always making the comment, 'so what, so you can't get married, it's not that big of a deal anyways'. just sayin that, well, that just means that they don't care and they don't understand, they don't get it... that they don't care about human rights...this is not just politics...it's a belief in humanity. of letting people live their life. of letting people love who they want. at the end of the day... what's happening, what we're sayin as a human race is that 'you, as a gay person, are not worthy of this basic human right...because you are gay...we do not believe in you...and we do not believe that you should be able to have the chance to have the kind of life that we live.' i'm gonna call that...and i'm gonna call it bullshit...all the way. let me just say this... just put yourself, as a straight person, in our shoes... someone is telling you, "i'm sorry, you can't shop here... oh, and it's okay, you can be who you are, but you can't be part of this society, because what you are is going to ruin the 'sanctity' of this establishment. you can pay taxes, you can be a good person, but we won't allow you to say 'i do' to the person that you're in love with. because it's just not normal...it's just not right. you are not right. we hate you because we don't understand you..." the list goes on and on of the things that i hear or that i read about me, as a gay person...i know, not necessarily me...but it may as well be. being discounted is sorta like being told, 'you are not important' or 'you are not worthy of our time'. there's a wide array of gay people...and yes, we are like the colors of the rainbow...ranging from total butch/dike girls, to flaming men, to lipsticks, to tomboys, to bears, to quite plain and ordinary... but that's the human race, isn't it? thing is... we love...just like anyone else... and although i think my love is special and untouchable, it truly is like what anyone else wants at the end of the day... i just want to have the chance, just like anyone else, to screw up, to make mistakes, to love, to be loved, and yes, even to get married. so, yeah, i've babbled and made this quite long... but, i gotta be honest here...so what? don't you think that life and love are the most important thing in this world...ever?! i think it's quite worthy of pages and pages of writing...infinitely worthy! so, if there are a few extra paragraphs here... then, please, blame me, curse me, hate me... but hear me... this is NOT a moral issue, as some would say... this IS a human rights issue... and it needs to be fought... and, as for me, it will continue to be fought... because yes, i want what you have...whether that sounds ridiculous or not... i don't actually care. when are we all going to just finally understand... we're in this together...on this planet...living and breathing. hate me, despise me, throw things at me, kick me out...whatever... i'm here and i'm not going anywhere. i don't want to be tolerated, i want to be accepted. you don't have to like it or agree with it. but all it is... all it really is... is love. so, get over it. it will not be the end of the world, if two gay people can get married. believe me. it will be like the opening of the world! a humongously big closet opening! haha! who cares?! the thing is...love will not wait...it cannot wait... through out history there have been struggles and fights for rights... this is just another one... and here we are in 2012...hoping for a simple right of passage. it encompasses soooooooooooooooooo many things...and it means so much. a little while back, i think it was on mother's day, i watched my parents dancing together to 'you look wonderful tonight'... we were outside, it was breezy breezy florida, summer night... and there they were, dancing...it was sweet and beautiful... they will have been married 50 years next year...i don't know how they've done it...how they've survived each other...through 4 crazy kids...grandkids...great grandkids...through the aches and pains of growing separately and together...through old age (sorry, mom and dad...haha)...but that's the thing...they have...survived it...and continue to do so... while i may not be able to do that or have the opportunity to, how nice would it be if my other 'family' could? i think it would be amazing. just to have the chance. so, those are my thoughts and feelings on that subject... just one gay person's view... or better yet... just one person's view. thanks for being here with me til the end...i hope it was worth it :)(: i leave you with this... "the moment you say that any system of ideas is sacred, whether it's a belief system or a secular ideology, the moment you declare a set of ideas to be immune from criticism, satire, derision, or contempt, freedom of thought becomes impossible." ~salman rushdie~ we need just that...freedom... freedom of thought...of love...and of life.

dreams and realities

have been givin thought to the next thing i wanted to write about for the last several days. and as i've probably already told you, i finally reached my 3000 hit mark, which in the the grand scheme of it all, really isn't a big deal, but, for me, i'm pretty stoked about it. after all, it's all relative, right? right. anyways, now where do i go from here? that's always the question, isn't it? what's next? it's been the waking thought in my mind lately, to be honest. i sit here, on my beach steps, and truthfully, there could be no other place that i love more than sittin here, on a sunday mornin, for a may day, it's quite cool (i actually have my favorite old hoodie on, deep grey with a hole in the shoulder), the waves are quite surf-able, or in my case boogie-boardable :), brandi carlile playin on my pandora, coffee next to me... my eyes get watery just typin that for some unknown reason. there's something about a mornin like this that makes me feel as if i have exactly everything i need right now. and as i've explained before, i don't really have anything. that's the funny part. in the somewhat near future, one of my best friends is moving across the country. when i hear her talk about it, i can relate to all of the things she says about the reasons why she's going... because i've felt and thought those thoughts before...and yes, i still think them now sometimes. i've set off a few times in different points in my life, thinkin it was the answer, most definitely, the answer. and you know, maybe it was the answer at that point in my life. i did grow. and change. little by little, i learned more and more, what were the things i wanted in my life. i guess that's all we can do, right? just keep getting out there, and trying to answer some of those questions in our hearts and souls. learning from our mistakes and successes. i read recently that we feel our losses more than we feel our successes. that we hold onto them longer. while that is most likely true, because who am i to argue with seasoned thinkers and writers... but how crazy is that, eh? i'd like to just say we throw all of that out the window and change our human nature and view of all of it. yeah, that's what i'm sayin. after all...we are the captain's of our own destiny...haha...right right... i had a thought the other day, while i was drivin down the road... it was about dreams. about the dreams that we have as we are growing up. the gist of my thought was this... as we grow older, it seems we have to give up more quickly on our dreams. or maybe more honestly, our dreams become smaller or more gathered or planned. different from being young, and havin humongous, deliriously stupid, unrealstic dreams. just think about this... how many dreams have we had to give up on, and grow up? god, so many right? sit back and think about it... all those things you dreamed about while you were a child, a teenager, a young adult, an adult... and as for me, i'm in the middle of it all...mid-life...wowzers! how did i get here?! i look at people as they walk by me, and wonder what their dreams were. how life sometimes, just beats those dreams out of you, sorta like waves against a sea shore, slowly wearing it down, then before you know it...dredging must happen to build it all up again. i propose that we all make a lil plan for ourselves that allows for a lil dreamin each day. or maybe if you can't fit that in...maybe each week... for an hour or so... just sit down, or go for a run, or surf, or paint, or be yoga, spin, read... whatever it is... give yourself a chance to dream... dream without boundaries...without fences...without chains...without anyone holding you back. what i've noticed in this funny world we live in... it's the dreamers that are getting things done, that are changing the world, that are makin a difference. that's the crazy part eh? in every part of life, there should be dreams...even just to get you through the day. yes, many of these dreams will not come to fruition... but maybe if just a few of 'em get to sneak through and become reality...holy shit... how cool would that be, eh?! so cool! we have to at least allow ourselves that, don't we? a chance even...geez... they say 'necessity is the mother of invention' right? well, i don't know about you, but i need dreams...desperately...furtively...insanely...and maybe, sometimes unknowingly. as for me, on some days... they make life bear-able... like there's a lil hope just lurking around the corner, waiting to surprise me. so, this friend that is moving...she has big dreams... and i hope for her...because i know that we need to have dreams, but we also need them to come true sometimes. i know that it's like goin out on a golf course, and playing horribly the whole day, until somewhere out of nowhere, you hit an amazing shot... it's one of those things, we golfers love to say, 'it's that one great shot that brings you back.' yep... all we need is that one great shot to bring us back. in life... hell yeah :) it's what moves us on to the next one... that next dream. right on. so, whatever it is you're dreaming about, or your friend, next to you, is dreaming of... don't give yourself a hard time about it...just keep dreaming. but while you're dreaming, get up, and meet it half way...that's the only way you'll get there, by doin the work, payin the dues, and trudging forward. there are enough things in this life that will get in the way of what you want, what you dream of in the middle of the night, that will steal your happiness away... but... there are also a whole lot of reasons why you have to keep going... keep dreaming... keep living... keep being who you are... and keep doin the things that make you happy. i look around me, this very second, and i know why i keep goin... it's these steps, my family, my friends...this life...this love...this ocean. as small as it all seems...i'm in love with it all. deeply and clearly. i want dreams...i need dreams...i love dreams. so, go... dream... it can't hurt... or maybe it can... but that's just it, isn't it? you know you're alive when you're feelin somethin... it's when you stop feelin...that's when there's a problem. so freakin dream the shit out of each day...why not, right? why not? don't talk yourself out of it. don't we do that enough? i'm not only sayin this to you, i'm sayin it to me too. dream. ask yourself...what would you do if you could do anything? what do you want? where do you want to go? and then... go from there...each day.

worth repeating...

well, here we are... sunday mornin... sittin on my beach steps...coffee at my side... the way i like to start each day, most definitely. today i'm a lil unsure of what's going to be comin out of me... so, let me just say...whatever it is... thanks for reading it. i've been doin this for almost 2 years now, and i gotta say, it's been a fun interesting experience, just writing and throwin it out there for whoever wants to read it. it's one of those feelings that's kinda funny...when i hit publish, many things go through my head... thinkin of each person that reads it, how they're gonna take it...take me, really. i usually feel pretty hyped up, wondering how many people will peruse my words and get something from them...or how many people will be rolling their eyes at me...how many people might know exactly where i'm coming from...how many people will just think i'm a touchy, feely stupid girl :) it's kinda crazy, you know? having to just let it go, and publish it anyways... like tearing off a bandaid...or getting into a cold pool... you just have to do it quickly and know that that uncomfortable part only lasts for a second. which sorta brings me to a thought i had the other day... fresh from sleep... i woke up, with this thought in my head... a thought that i knew that what i should do is get up and write it down... because it was really clear at that very moment... of course, i didn't write it down, and later that day i was runnin the trails with a friend of mine, and as we run, we talk and tell each other jokes, stories, feelings, and sometimes things that we wouldn't tell other people, maybe... because when you're there, running, hoppin over roots and duckin under tree limbs, sweatin, you're at the most clearest spot in your thinking, it seems...what's inside of you, will come out easier...like that push that you're puttin out there, propelling your body forward and up and over objects...it's all easy compared. i can't really say that i've had many runner's highs...being that i'm as slow as a tortoise...haha...one of my friend's always likes to say, i think just to make me feel better...'honey, slow and steady wins the race.' thank god for that friend :) haha! anyways, back to my thought...sorry...i get a lil side-tracked. it happens. anyways, i woke up with the thought of language...and of words... of the simple words or phrases that mean so much. the fact that hearing them or saying them can make the biggest difference in our lives. that the repetition of them, no matter what...is way better than never hearing them or saying them at all. that certain phrases or words that are put together, are said in so many different ways. they are said out of anger, out of love, out of goofyness, out of sadness, out of jealousy... so, so, many reasons and differences... but they all come back to the same thing. that no matter what, there are some days, that we just have to have a lil faith and say them...if we feel them. now i thought about writing the phrases of which i'm talking about... but then that would make it too easy, wouldn't it? maybe it would be better for us to just keep those phrases to ourselves, but to know that they're there...inside of us. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... then again... nah... here are the one's, that for me, are worth repeating, as often as possible... with sincerity, with clarity, and with conviction... these little words, can be the biggest thing ever... it's how we use our words...how we live our words...how we put them into action, and just be the words... because as we know, words are words, they're just letters thrown together... we are the one's that can make them mean something. we can either make them powerful or make them meaningless. i guess that's what makes me love reading certain authors...you know, the one's that when you read a passage, you think to yourself, 'wow, that's amazing', that words can take you somewhere...make you feel everything... or wish that you could feel nothing because of the way they do make you feel. i think we've all probably been there...when you wish you could say or write the exact thing that is welling up inside of you, and all that comes out is something bumbly and gibberishy...haha...yes, as you walk away or look back at those moments that you wish you had the words, or you had hoped to be so much more eloquent...and yet there we are...later...thinking of the exact thing we should have said...and think...'why didn't i say that?' or 'why did i have to look so foolish?'...haha! oh, man, being human is a fuckin funny thing. just so full of mis-steps, and stumbles, and face-plants... but the grand part of it all is... the day that you say just the right thing... or write it in a note... or simply show someone you care...that you're there...or that you've been there. so, the words for me, that are worth repeating, generously...are these... i love you. thank you. i'm sorry. i was wrong. i'm here. i'm still here. how was your day? it's really good to see you. it's ok. it's gonna get better. you look beautiful. you're amazing. great job. i believe in you. i'm proud of you. i need you. keep your head up. i love you. oh, right, i already wrote that...i think these words should be used to excess...so, yeah, worth repeating. i think that the funny thing is...that those phrases, to me, are so important...and look, look at them...very short...very simple...and very to the point. no need to embellish. no need for a thesaurus. just right. there's a girl in my yoga classes that has a tattoo that says, 'love wastefully'. i asked her about it one day, because right in the middle of class, i noticed it, and ended up thinkin about it non-stop through out class...yeah, i know, i obviously wasn't concentrating on my practice. haha! but those words, those words...nice... i believe them... that no matter what... what's happening in your life... we should give them to some one... and yes, that doesn't mean that you're goin to get them in return... the person that you give them to, could very well, crumple those words up and toss them out. but then again, it could be the exact thing they need to hear, at that very moment. it might be the exact thing that you need to do...god, who knows? but in this life that's our very own, you know that sayin, "it's in the trying"? well, honestly, maybe it is... maybe after all of those times that you use your words, wisely, and yes, sometimes, very unwisely, if that's even a word. maybe after all that... maybe it will all start making sense... and maybe those words will come back to you, ten-fold... who knows? i think that maybe we just can't be afraid to use them...wastefully. but if you say them... wastefully. mean them. because after all...we are the one's that can make them mean something. either way... do just that... mean something. so, my waking thought, was orginally, just that there are certain words in the english language, that when put together, are worth repeating, maybe a million times over...and man, i can honestly say, they are very worth hearing as well. say them, write them, scream them, laugh them... over. over. and over. don't be afraid. after all, they're just words, right? haha! righhhhhhhhhhhhhht, righhhhhhhhhhhhht :)

people, places, and things...

it's funny,
even though i swear myself to write every other week,
it seems i just can't swear myself to anything.
i don't know about you,
but i end up finding any reason not to sit down and write.
it's one of those things, isn't it?
when you're supposed to do it,
when you set a date,
it seems so seriously committed,
that it stifles me from my thoughts or even my urge to get things going.
weird? yes.
abnormal? probably not.
guess that's something that happens to loads of people.
i've never considered myself commitment-phobic,
but maybe i am.
i don't know.
of course, there are different levels of this, i'm guessing.
for me, it's in the makin plans.
one week you say, 'yeah, dinner sounds great!'
then when the day arrives...life has happened...and yeah, dinner doesn't sound so great.
if i look a lil deeper...maybe that's why i have the job i do too.
there's no urgent sense of commitment there...
except for in the moment that i'm slingin bags, left and right.
when it's done, it's done.
even though it's the same movements, a lot of the same people, and the setting is the same,
each time it's different, because the tee times are never the same.
when we're busy, there's this frustrated sense of urgency of just wanting to get it done.
i guess that's what makes it so important to work with good people.
when you're sweating and running around like a chicken with your head cut off, you want to be doin that with someone you can count on, and someone you can laugh with, even though you're getting your ass handed to you on a platter, or in this case, many sets of golf clubs, and dirty golf carts. haha!
well...
so, there is a bit of commitment there, eh?
to each other, right? yeah.
i've had people tell me that maybe that's my problem with not finding a mate, or maybe the reason i choose the people i do...
i think of that quite often...
but i don't believe so.
because, honestly, can we really choose who we fall for?
i wish i had more control over that part, for sure.
i definitely think there's no control when that is happening.
there have been way too many times that i'm quite foolish and ridiculous...more times than i can count.
so, yep, no control over that.
maybe that's the problem though, for me.
i was sitting down yesterday, after a great workout, feelin pretty wonderful, and i came to the conclusion that when i'm home, i'm in this lil space that i've created for myself, and it's safe, and i'm sorta in control of it.
sort of :)
when it gets any bit of out how i want it...i feel my body tighten...i feel my sense of soundness shaken...my thought of 'this is my space' is totally screwed.
i was talkin to one of my friends yesterday about it...
deciding that this is definitely one of the things that calls for therapy. among many other faults i have. haha! geez!
as we were talkin about it, havin mojitos on my front porch, i was calm and relaxed, but even the subject makes me antsy.
i guess i feel as if the only place i do have any sense of control of anythin, is in my lil apartment...it's like my lil den of my soul...even though it's small by comparison to other people's homes...it's huge in my mind!
the sense of goodness and calm that comes over me by just walkin in the door is amazing...the silence of not havin t.v...the solitude of livin alone...one of the reasons that everythin does have it's place (but also because i'm obsessive compulsive...yet another reason for therapy...the list goes on, believe me...haha).
my problem lies in lettin go sometimes...
in not havin control, and being okay with it.
sometimes i'm totally unsure of just about everything.
of people.
of places.
of things.
all the nouns, yes.
and the verbs, most definitely :)
letting freakin go.
i was tellin my kids at school the other day...
'you never know how you'll do until you try'
haha!
sounds so easy, doesn't it?!
here i am, spouting this off to my kids...
and here i am...getting anxious about the most ridiculous of things...control.
i think i get that from you, dad...thanks :) haha!
one of our family jokes are the words my dad has said all of our lives..."here's the plan"...
meaning...here's how it will go because it's up to me and i make the rules. hahahhahahha!
funny thing is...
even writing this...i have no control. haha!
i just start writing, and see where it goes...
that's kinda loosey goosey, right?
yeah, i'm going with that.
so, here's my thought...each day, what i'm gonna try and do with one thing or another...is lose a little control...and just see what happens.
i don't know how that will go.
but if we're steering ourselves in a set path, always...how will anythin different ever happen? how will the results change?
geez, i have no idea, i really don't...but it's nice to be surprised too, isn't it?
the truth of my matter is different than your truth.
we all have to find our own,
and yet they may be closely related or extremely different.
the thing that ties us all together...is that we all have our truths.
mine...
i suck at commitment.
i hate a mess.
i'm not great at confrontation.
i let my heart get the best of me.
i cry at weird times.
i laugh at the wrong time.
i think all songs played, are played for me. haha!
i'm better to my friends than i am to my family.
i curse outloud and to myself...a lot.
when i get nervous, i speak out of turn.
i'm scared i'm not enough.
and yes, most definitely, there are times, i'm too much (that's part of my heart getting the best of me).
and i over-share...thinkin at the time, it's a great idea...afterwards, probably not so much :)
well, so, there ya go...
truths...
although they make me cringe a little, lookin at them, written down...
they are who i am...
and who i struggle to be.
or more aptly put, struggle against being.
i guess that's what makes humanity beautiful right?
because although, there's all that to contend with (and well, much more, i've only listed a few things in order to stop writing at some point. haha!)
we're still here together...and great things are happening all the time...things that we don't control or have no control over...life is still this crazily amazing and lucky thing that we have.
beautiful people!
beautiful places!
beautiful things!
yes! all the nouns!
and all the verbs!
surrounded by beauty, even in this mess i call my life! haha!
now that, my friends...that's what makes life so beautiful.
with all the faults, issues, and lack of control. i'm still here.
i guess that's what makes it easier to get up everyday and see what happens.
you won't know until you try right?
i guess i'll have to take my own advice :)

rushing home...

had the most amazing idea this mornin...
what if i could write my blog on my beach steps?
well...
here i am...
unsecured connection and all! haha! woohoo!
i have to tell you, this whole laptop thing...
it's a blessing and a curse...
because, basically, i can carry this thing anywhere with me...
anywhere!
i mean, seriously...
i am in my most favorite spot in the world,
at this very moment...
i mean, hell, i just watched the sun come up! yes! i did!
and it was glorious!!!!!!!!!!!!
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,
okay okay...
have to get over myself for a second...
there's a blog to write :)
so, i was driving home the other day,
and realized i was truly rushing to get there.
it was after work, and i had had a pretty long and tiresome shift,
full of slingin bags and serving people...on my best behavior...
and believe me...to be on your best behavior for 7 to 10 hours at a time..
well, that's just not so easy is it? haha!
sometimes you just want to scream!
but i can tell you what serving does for me...
it really makes me an easier person to serve.
i'm so aware of what's around me when i'm not at work.
anyone that's helpin me at a store or restaurant...
i go that extra mile to make them feel better about it...about helping me...because hey, we know where they're coming from, don't we?
you wanta put your hand on their shoulder and say, 'yeah, i know,' and 'it's gonna be okay'.
but anyways, i digress, as usual.
on my trek home...
i realized i was rushing home for no reason really.
except for the fact that i love my apartment.
i had gotten home that day, with a smile on my face to be there...
you know how you walk in your front door, and sorta let out a deep sigh or breath or even yelp out happiness just to be home?
yes, yes, yes,
that is how i feel most days.
that same day, i was doin a lil home workout...it's something i do when i'm not of the nature of goin out for a workout.
anyways, i was layin on my floor, doin crunches, and between sets, i was just lookin around the room, and i was thinkin about the things i have in my life...
i laughed at myself, because i was thinkin, 'apartment, i love you, i love that you're mine, but then again, you're not really mine are you? well, at least for the rest of this month you are, and i'm happy with that.'
then i just began to think of all the things in my life, at this very moment, that are exactly what i want.
exactly!
amazingly so...i have several things! i don't own any of them!
but, i'm happy in them...way happy!
it's crazy!
thing is in our lives, sometimes just takin that step back and seeing it...and the realization that yep, here i am, and here it is, my life.
my neighbor and i randomly share meals together, sit on the beach steps together, have drinks, go out to dinner and music, she's even been mistaken as my girlfriend (which we laugh about quite often)...
well, we were talkin about this stuff the other night,
and well, i was explaining to her of my rush to get home...
of the fact that i was literally rushing home, just to be home, not because i had anything to do, but because i love where i am, when i'm home.
how happy it makes me to walk into this place that i live in.
it's kinda funny.
in that same thought, i was thinking about needing the whole "real job" thing because, let's face it, i'm not gettin any younger...i'm a 44 year old woman that slings bags! haha! and when i expressed that to her, she said to me, 'why change that now, you've been getting by haven't you?'
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
yeah, i have.
and that's where the rest of our conversation went to...
out of all of my jobs i've ever had...
working at the golf course...i get up...i go...i do it...and truth be told, i sorta love it...for many reasons...
but the crazy part is, it's the only job i've ever been able to go to without regret or without thinkin, 'ugh, i have to work'.
so, in that vein, that's hard to beat, eh?
we ended our conversation sayin that there's somethin about being happy where you are...about walkin in your door and feeling comfortable and safe...something that is not able to be replaced with money.
no, i don't have everything that i want...
i'd truly love to have someone to share my life with...
but, the thing is, i have everything else that makes my life seem warm and i'm happy to be there...here...where i am.
for years and years i always dreamed of living in a cool place,
that i could hang out with my friends...
have dinners...drinks...
crazy conversations...listen to music...
play yahtzee and dominoes...
watch the sun come up...
read books...write and write some more...
and here i am...
exactly in that place.
god, i'm happy to be here...so happy.
i've been tryin to put together my back porch...and recently it's begun to come together...a couple times since getting it going...i've had friends over til late in the night...food, drinks, music, stories...candles lit...perfect nights in every way...
after each of them, i've smiled broadly, and thought to myself, and sometimes out loud...'this is how i dreamed it to be, surrounded by people i love, in a place that i love to live.'
it's home.
and i may not have all of the things a regular woman my age does...
but...
and this is a big but...(yeah, you can smile at that)
i'm also not a regular woman am i? :)
maybe life is exactly as it should be...
in seconds...in minutes...in moments...in days and years.
so, i sit here, in this moment, on my beach steps,
sun shining down on me, the sounds and sights of the ocean are part of me, in my pajamas, sippin on coffee (a lil cold now, since i came down here), and i know that i'm exactly where i should be...
and i'm lucky to be here.
maybe just maybe, that's one of the lil secrets in life, eh?
like a lil secret to contentment...
because at the end of the day, here we are...
and sure, most definitely, there are goals we should set for ourselves, or things that we want, places we want to go, people we'd love to be with...
but findig a little bit of contentment everyday,
in our regular lives, and knowing it's there...
and maybe even saying it outloud...
maybe that could make the difference in where we go, who we are, and what we want to achieve...
that lil bit of contentment that is so basic and simple.
lil dreams can make a life that much better.
we may not even realize how happy we truly are...til we look around...
and there it is, staring you in the face.
i'm happy to be right here.

'let the world know we were here'

so, i have been debating with myself on how to write this blog,
and keep all members in it, anonymous and safe.
and well...
it's not easy to do, i have to say.
but am gonna make a play for it...
so, let's just say...open mind is where you need to be,
whilst reading this story.
one can only hope.
and well, if you're here, most likely, and know me, i know already that you have an open mind.
mind you, i realize too, that being open minded has different levels...
ranging from wide open to slightly ajar :)
but...that being said, it all seems to be relative according the conversation we're having.
thus goes my story...
the other day i found myself in a situation that i wasn't quite completely ready for.
i may have over-reacted, and in thinking this, i decided to use a couple of my friends as sources of advice, as we all do in situations of life.
i feel as if i should explain a little about the happening, and then, basically, go from there...because it is not only what happened that matters, but my reaction, and the reactions of the friends and family that i spoke to about it.
this seems to have had an impact on me as much as the incidence at hand.
anyways, a long story short...
i was with a group of people and heard the word 'faggot' being used.
and not in the sense of a cigarette or a meatball, but as a general cutdown...
and just so you know...being a gay woman, it's quite often that you hear this word, or perhaps, 'queer' or 'gay' or even 'dyke' used in negative ways.
meant to be the lowest of low...
but, for me...it's personal...and when i hear it used that way...it affects me...
it makes me emotional...it hurts my feelings...and it enrages me...
all in all...it's a term that i can't stand...
granted...people say harsh words to each other all the time...
they cut each other down...
hurt each other, both emotionally and physically...
so, why, why does this bother me so?
just words right?
yes, they are just words...
i feel as if i am being remiss that i'm not explaining the situation further,
but suffice it to say...
i over-reacted a bit...but stepped back, as i noticed...took a deep breath...
and began to have a very passionate, two sided conversation that ended in an understanding way.
no, this doesn't always happen, when these words are uttered...
but in this situation...it was quite important to remain open and honest about feelings and such, that in the end, there was a new-found understanding...which is the best case of a worst case scenario.
i should also say that what a surprise it is sometimes in life that when something comes up that we deem important or vital to the next turn in life...we do treat it a bit differently.
when i was younger, i didn't really think about any of those terms...
about what they mean or how they may affect people.
it was in the coming out process and dealing with different circumstances of discrimination and hatred that i learned how important it is to speak up...
to say...'hey, that's not cool,' or 'do you know what you're saying?'
i will say time and time again how lucky i am to be where i am, and to have what i have.
to have a family and group of friends and a community that accepts me for who i am, and doesn't turn their back on me because they know who i am.
and here's the thing...
a couple days after my experience, i found myself in another conversation, re-telling the story, which i've only truly told to a couple people that are close to me...
the reaction to my story was kind of a mixed bag, because there were several people listening...
one of the people said to me that, 'oh, honey, you can't change anything, there's always gonna be hatred in world, and there'll always be people using those terms, people are discriminated against all the time,' and to that i replied, 'but if that were the case, nothing would ever change'...'when we're young, we are lead by example...hatred is sometimes taught...we have to be on the constant lookout to re-teach these things.'
the conversation went on, and there was a point that i had to get up and walk out of the room to gather myself, because obviously, this subject is personal for me and i believe in the fight of rights to all people...whatever the race, the creed, the color, the religion, the sexual orientation...because it's my feeling that using those words, and it being okay, well, that's where it all starts. that's where hatred is allowed to grow.
i believe that if we all sat back and just let things go, and didn't speak up...well, then that would be crazy and we would be being totally irresponsible for this human race.
i believe that it's insanely important to teach our young people the importance of language and how they use it to each other, with each other, and against each other.
it's never too early to learn this...
but it's the going about it...that's the hard part...
the taking a deep breath part...and speaking clearly...without judgement...and with the hopes of coming out the other side with a lil bit of peace and understanding from where you're coming from.
yes...it is a soap box that i've honestly not had to get on in awhile, being that i live this little life that i do...
being that, i don't have to fight for too many things.
being that i wake up in the morning, and have the freedom to do what i choose and be who i am.
not everyone has that luxury.
i am thankful for it.
but i'm also thankful that i can speak up and say what's what.
i know that we are not always going to agree...
the most important part...the most...is being able to hear each other.
i heard a song the other morning, on the way to work.
one of the lines from it states, 'let the world know we were here.'
so, in that vein,
here's my thought...
we have to stand up, even when it's on this small island, in your classroom, in your gym, or on a grander scale, the country you live in...
speak up, speak honestly, and listen...
because yes, you can and do make a difference.
if not you...who else is gonna do it?
don't leave it to others to change the world...piece by piece, we all can have a hand in it.
so, i've made it full circle from my little story of the day recently that i heard the word 'faggot'...who it came from was important to me, but the words spoken afterwards were more important.
it's sometimes not that easy to admit to the frailty of being human...of flying off the handle...of speaking out of turn...of making an ass out of yourself...
but then again...
there are times that we have to do just that...
'let the world know we were here.'
so, maybe in your daily life,
your comings and goings,
there are things that you hear or see...sometimes, first, we have to just take it in, then decide if it's important to you...these things take time.
they take, living life and feeling and experience to finally come to a point,
when you're ready to be heard.
we're all different...
we have different soap boxes, i'm quite sure.
but isn't that pretty damn grand?
i mean seriously!
several years ago, after one of the biggest arguments i've possibly ever had, i remember my dad saying to me, 'honey, i'm just so glad you have an opinion.'
typing that makes me smile.
because although i'm on opposite ends of the fence many times with my father,
he made me feel good about speaking up, whether he agreed or not,
and he loves me just the same whether we agree or not.
don't get me wrong, folks...not everyone is gonna love you, after you've said your peace/piece...
but it's in the trying that life is lived.
let 'em hear it...
you might make a lil crack in the world, and maybe some one will hear you.
all it takes is one voice...next thing you know...voices :)
stand up and speak.
'let the world know we were here.'

'remember who you are'

recently, i was at a friend's house, watching the super bowl...
and afterwards, we stood outside, havin this conversation about everything pretty much, known to man...our past...our present...and our future.
i remember thinkin how cool it was,
because it was actually one of my good friend's boyfriends that i watched the bowl with.
she was out of town with business stuff,
so, it was just him and i, and her kids,
hangin out...
we had subs and drank beer...
there we were, just watchin the game...
like peeps do...makin comments about the game and the commercials...
telling stories to her kids.
all in all, it was an interesting night...hangin out with this new guy friend of mine...
the kind of guy that gives massive man hugs...
the kind of guy that can build anythin...
knows every kind of plant...
can cook a mean breakfast...
he's thoughtful, kind, and loving to my friend (which is what you want for all of your friends right?)
i mean, this guy...he's the shit...he is!
anyways...i felt like i needed to describe him to you because something he said that night, has stuck with me...
i haven't been able to get it out of my head...
and i've been trying to think of how exactly i should share it with you to make it have the affect that it did for me or to me...which one of these i don't know...maybe both.
anyways, we were talking about our younger days,
about going out, the things we did and didn't do.
and he told me that when he got to the age that he was beginning to go out to parties and drink,
that every time he'd leave his house,
he said his mother wouldn't go into what his curfew was, because she knew he wasn't goin to make it, she wasn't goin to preach to him either because he probably wouldn't hear her...
basically, she would say to him...'just remember who you are'
he told me, when she would say that, he'd think, 'dang, mom, why'd you have to say that? anything but that!'
haha!
so, i've been thinkin about this quote non-stop...
'remember who you are'
hmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
who you are.
that's serious business, isn't it?
to know this, is to know all things...
or more truthfully, to know the most important thing.
it's really made me contemplate, who i actually am.
since then, i've been sorta listing things in my head of who i am...to me.
like where i came from...my family...how i grew up...the people i was surrounded by...
the people who taught me...if i studied...the churches i grew up in...
the crazy puppet ministry...yep...i said puppet ministry. hahahhaha! (that was for you, justin! hahahahaha!)
youth group...countless choirs and choir tours...
wacky hours spent playing basketball every chance i got.
tennis, tennis, tennis...pitching a baseball at my parents wooden fence, with a painted circle for the strike zone, sure that i was gonna be a pitcher for some amazing baseball team.
wow! that was loud! how did my parents just let me do that, over and over again?! haha!
the list keeps going, believe me...
thing after thing of which makes me who i am today...
and yet still...
there are days, that i just don't know.
where i'm goin, what i'm doin, or who i am.
a friend and i were talkin today, after yoga, as we were drivin home,
and she was sayin how sometimes she looks back at her choices in men,
and wonders, 'what was i thinkin?!'
we were both giggling about it as we were rollin down the road,
and we decided that these people that we look back at...we're not regretful about being with them...on the contrary...
we're happy we experienced it...because they're the one's that have helped us figure out what we truly want in a partner, and how we want to be as well.
so, even when the experience is not so great...we still usually learn something from it.
and some of them...well, some of them...you just have to be able to look back at, and laugh, and think, 'what in the world was i thinkin?!' haahahahha!
all of this stuff...all of it...
shapes and molds who we are.
so, each day, as of late...i've been walking out the door in the morning, and repeating that phrase to myself to make sure i'm paying attention...
'remember who you are'
am thinkin that it will remind me to pay attention to my words and to my actions.
i don't know about you,
but there are days, that i'm not so proud of what i've said or how i've reacted to something...
days that i look back and think, 'what are you doing?' or 'who are you?'
days that i'm just tired and unsure...
days that i wonder if it will all ever make any sense.
and i guess, the worst one is the fear that i'm not the person that i can be because i'm too busy trying to be someone else rather than just owning up to who i actually am...full of issues, failures, and idiosyncrasies...
yeah...i'm talkin about the pretty stuff :)
thing is...
our lives are full of this shit...everywhere we turn, there's a reason to give up, to stop, to not even start, to hate, or to not love...
yeah...everywhere...
but i think, it's exactly at that point that we have to remind ourselves to 'remember who you are'
because before anythin ever creeped in your head about doubt of yourself...you just did it...you just went out and did it...you dreamed it...you lived it...
then somewhere along the way, we forget who we are...
we forget what we're made of...all those little things that we grew up learning and doing and being...all of that.
the joy and excitement of it all, that's what we need to dig back into.
yes, yes, yes...we do learn a lot from the mistakes we've made, for sure.
i'm not denying that in the least.
but that good stuff...that good stuff that we had as kids...pure and simple...
without fear or regard of what we looked liked...
that's it.
in yoga class, when there's a pose that you can't quite get down into,
we use a block to assist us...and sometimes the teacher comes around and adjusts us because they can see our position a lil better than we can...there are also times that we hold each other up in balance poses, just by a simple touch.
the beautiful part of all of that is that when you walk into yoga, they're always reminding you to let go of all of that stuff that holds you back. basically, all of those things that you tell yourself, that aren't true...that sometimes we are actually our own worst enemies.
if we could get out of our own way, we might just surprise ourselves.
so, my thought is this...
maybe it's just a good idea to ask yourself each day to 'remember who you are'...
and in that remembering...a lot of good things could come to you and the people around you.
oscar wilde once said, 'just be yourself, everyone else is taken.'
but first you have to ask yourself something...
who are you?

this is it...

so, we're a week into the new year,
and i have some confessions to make...
well, not those kind...
really juicy confessions...nah...
so far, 2012, hasn't seen the juicy side of life...at least not for this kid...but hope is always there :)
come on now...you know we all need a lil juicy-ness, it's okay to admit it to yourself...there's no one else around, inside of your head, while you're readin this. hahaha!
anyways, i digress, as usual...
here's what i'm thinkin, while sittin in front of my computer, on a sunday mornin, drinkin my cup o jane, spoonin some lovely oatmeal, and doin laundry. (yeah, pretty exciting stuff, it's true)
a few days ago, i was havin a regular day...
get up in the mornin, make my coffee, check emails, peruse facebook,
and i came across a status of a person i didn't even know,
that said that this person's cousin had died of a heart attack while running...48 years old.
and for some reason, that set the tone for the rest of my day.
mostly because, in the back of this big head of mine,
i'm thinkin, 'i'm 44, i'm 44, i'm 44'...
that day, i worked at the golf course,
and it was a day like any other,
we were slow, so, i had a lot of time to just stand outside,
as thoughts were floating in and out of me...
the day was crisp and the sky was cloudless and blue.
but i carried that status with me,
right into publix...
and yes, this is totally strange to say...but as i was leavin publix i was re-calling all the people i ran into and had conversations with...nothin serious was talked about, but there were smiles and greetings...your general idle chat, while in line or walking through the store. (because as we all know, going to the grocery store is never just going to the grocery store...it's running into every person you haven't seen in 3 years, or the people you see every time you go the store, and only when you go to the store, it's like they cease to exist when they walk out, until you run into them again, at the store! haha!...it's like goin to a local bar...grocery stores have regulars too! haha! there's just no barstools. haha!)
when you go to a store 3 or 4 days a week, you get to know all the cashiers, and i think it's a cool thing.
i find myself going out the way to say hello to the one's i know,
because it seems like they appreciate being asked how they're doing, and how their day is in general.
being that i sort of serve people too,
i know there are days that you don't really want to be serving,
that you'd rather be any other place but there...
i guess as part of humanity or kindness,
i feel as if life would be so much better,
if we could just stop for a second, and look each other in the eyes,
and actually connect, and actually listen, and actually truthfully say how we feel.
doesn't it seem like we're skiddin through sometimes?
from one thing to the other,
without even noticing how we're feeling?
running through life, locked and loaded, both barrels firing.
wow!
it's quite the rush, it seems.
well, to get back to my point...
and there was one, i promise...
i drove home from publix that day,
and was puttin my groceries away,
and it hit me...
as i was lookin out my back window, marveling at the growth, and wondering how these flowers pop up in the middle of winter (gotta love florida),
this is it...
this is life!
you know how sometimes, you're just waiting for that big thing to happen that's gonna change everything? and then you'll change everything?
well...
what if there isn't a big thing?
what if...
everything that's going on right now...is it?
what if...this is it?
this is the life?
the life that's happening this very second!
i mean, it was weird, i have to say, to be standing in front of my sink, and coming to the realization that this may very well be it...the life i lead.
all of these little things that make my day a day...
that is it.
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
no big lottery ticket coming in...
no loud crack...
cannons weren't going off...
just the silence of knowing that whatever i do in my day,
is mine.
and that this was it...my life.
you know those daydreams you have when you're young?
the one's that you become famous, have the life, you score the girl or the guy, and live happily ever after, jet-setting and such...yeah, those kinda dreams, the one's we have to eventually realize, 'uh, yeah, not real.'
which brings me to the confessional part...
yeah...finally :)
i had a kid i was workin with yesterday tell me that i was too nice,
which i quickly explained to him that if he only knew the thoughts in my head, then maybe he wouldn't think that. haha!
so, yeah...
there are days that i randomly lose it, when i drop something, or hit my head...
days that i silently curse my spin or yoga instructor, for holding a position too long, or a song that just keeps goin on and on...
days that i'm not feelin all that humane to the idiot that has pulled out in front of me or is going too slow...
days that i curse myself out for just being me...
days that i fall into the same patterns over and over again.
44...yes...and still saying too much, letting my heart get the best of me, and always falling for the wrong girl or the right one, depending on your perspective...but mine is always always skewed and in la la land, i can't lie.
there are days that any person that walks onto the golf course after 4 o'clock, and i'm closing, i send a curse to their soul, and wish harm upon their bodies. hahahhahaha! yeah, this is what we cart and baggers do, beware of the stink eye, with a smile on our face, welcoming you to the golf course. :) haha!
i'm actually laughin out loud at that one :)
anyways, there are actually way more unkind things i can say about the non-niceness that is within me, but that would take me away from the point of all of this rambling...
point is...
this is it.
this is our life.
we get a choice everyday, really, of how we live it.
our attitude.
our heart.
our kindness.
so what if we're not movie stars,
if we don't have mad bling,
if we're not wearing the latest fashion mag threads.
so what.
it's all really semantics isn't it?
we have a joke, my family and friends and i, about me being the 'mayor' of fernandina (that's my mom's term, mayor), or one of my friends actually calls me felix, joking that everyone knows me...yes, it's funny, we do have a good laugh about it, but that's the point eh? it's kind of a cool feelin to walk in somewhere, and know the peeps that are there and say our hello's and get hugs and high fives...that's all part of the small town deal. rockstars in our own backyard :) cool :)
(and please, don't get me wrong, i'm not saying i'm a rockstar...in the least...but i am sayin what an amazing and awesome feeling it is to walk into a place, and be welcomed and hugged, and yes, even slapped in the butt, here and there)
all of this little stuff that makes our day whole...
that is it.
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, i gotta tell you, this little stuff...
well, sometimes, it can seem quite little,
but,
sometimes, it can seem like all there is to be had.
so, i was thinking that, for me,
even though i live on a slightly, smaller scale than most folks around me,
i was thinkin that there will be days that seem quite large,
unbelievable kinda days...dreamy and shit :)
but i look out my window of my little apartment,
and it seems quite large already.
as i write this i know i may seem all over the place, and maybe it's because i am...
but just because this is it...
that doesn't mean we shouldn't say everything, do everything, and mean everything that we can...
that's exactly why we should!
if this is it...
then hey...
we don't have any time to waste do we?!
nope, we don't.
if we only have this moment...
then geez...live that shit up...
get every ounce you can out of it, i guess, right?
fall for the wrong people...say too much...laugh way too hard...
dance til the wee hours...sit with your friends and family for too long...
drink that extra cup of coffee...toast a tuesday...make out just because you can, and you want to...
get down in warrior 2, and sink it...
stay up to finish that book...
whatever it is...
this is it...
this is what makes our life our life.
and last but not least, i leave you with a lil quote from this completely goofy, philosophy book i've been reading. explaining broad philosophical terms with jokes and such...
but in the section of existentialism, it was goin through the different famous philosophers, one of them being jean-paul sartre, in which he believed, 'existence precedes essence'...
in the words of the authors of the book...
'we are indeterminate, always free to reinvent ourselves.'
god, i like that!
so reinvent yourself...every second, every minute, everyday!
people are always saying, 'i don't make new years resolutions, because i never keep them.'
who cares if you don't keep them!
make 'em anyways!
we fail at something everyday...it's what we do as humans!
fail miserably!
like at the beginning of a yoga class, you set an intention of what you want from it or are trying to get out of it...
better to make an intention than have no intention at all.
so what if you fail.
reinvent around that failure.
live life like, this is it...
because...
this is it.