another day at the barn....

wow...
here we are...
or i guess i should say...
here i am :)
3 whole months since i sat down to write!
summer...
it sorta does it...
just takes you away.
mine has, i think...in good ways and bad ways...
but...
here i am :)
soooooooooooo, where to begin?
hmmmmmmmmmm...
i guess i should probably just go with the story that made me think that it was about time i write something...
you know, as i always say, i find reasons to not sit down and write, even if i think, 'hey, this is a good idea', i still manage to find other things to do.
yep...am imagining it happens to the best of us.
but the other day i had a couple cool things happen to me in a row, while i was at work, that reminded me of how the small things in a day can change your view on the day, or your attitude, or your general feeling.
many of you will probably understand what i mean when i say that workin in the service industry can kinda put you at odds with your beliefs in human beings.
as i write this, it may sound sorta jaded or pissy or negative, but i don't necessarily mean it that way...
what i mean by that is that, there are days that you're just, for lack of a better term, sick of always taking care of people...cleaning up after them, dealing with their attitudes, smiling through their complaints, and saying, 'yes' all the time...
here's the thing...there are many times through those days that you come in contact with good/happy/kind-hearted people as well...
these are the experiences that help you glide a lil through your day...
that make you smile and think, 'hey, this isn't so bad, taking care of people'...
yep...it's those times.
so, this past sunday, i was doing my usual sling, with one of my favorite partners in the barn, and as i was walkin through the bag room, i noticed the bag of a member that only is in town here and there...
i decided when i saw his bag, that i knew he would play that day, so, i proceeded to grab his bag and set it up on a cart with some range balls...yes, just a usual thing you do when people play golf.
i have to tell you that last year, this same member and i didn't have a lot of appreciation for each other...he always came to play late, and would be the last off, and would not be that congenial, and you wouldn't see a tip from him, pretty much ever.
so, when he would come up, it would always be at the point that i would feel quite a bit of disdain from him just being there.
then one day, i decided that i needed to work harder at being friendlier towards him...it didn't make me feel good to hold anger against this guy that was just doing something he liked to do and something he paid great money for, and something i was getting paid for....
but mostly because i hate feeling that way towards another human being, whether i liked them or not...it's not good for your soul to hold onto that kinda stuff.
so, in this past year, i have worked to do lil things for him, and greet him with a more kinder face, and try and think ahead, so that he feels taken care of.
let me tell  you...it's made the biggest difference between us.
now when we see each other, we're both smiling and we chat, and then he goes off to play...
he even has mentioned a couple times how great it makes him feel that i'm always ready for him and take such great care of him...and in turn it makes me feel great that he notices.
so, back to the story...this sunday when he came down the steps, we said hello and he saw that his bag was already on a cart and ready to roll.
he smiled and laughed and asked me how i knew he was coming, and if i had seen him walking down?  i just told him i saw his bag downstairs and knew he'd play and wanted to be ready for him...
he was so happy by this small act, that he got on the phone with his wife, as i was standing there, and asked her to bring me some of the peach jam she had just made on the Friday before....
in his large southern draw, i listened to his conversation with his wife, and it made me happy...
he said to her, 'babe, you know that woman that i have been telling you about that works at the golf course, the one that always take care of me?  well, today i got to the course, and she had my bag out for me and on a cart, ready to go...i just want to do something nice for her too...will  you bring some of that jam down to her?'
he was smiling and i was smiling as he drove away to play his quick 18 in the late afternoon.
strangely enough, it brought a tear to my eye, just feeling like this person that i barely know, just did this kindness to me...just because i had been kind to him.
it made me smile pretty much the rest of the day.
crazily enough, not even an hour later, another member came off the course, and we were asking him how he liked his new house, and without even a thought, he said for us to hop in the cart and come check it out.
so, there we were, my work buddy and i, walking through this fantastic home of one of our members, and they were so friendly and lovely, showing us something they obviously were so excited about, and wanting to share with us.
we talked about the art work on the walls and about their kids and their lives before moving here...
it was a real moment of feeling not like a server.
as we rode the cart back to the barn, we both were so happy to have been treated with respect and care, that we were both just smiling and laughing about our day.
i know that I've probably talked about this often...
but as a server for many years, it can become this feeling of 'us and them'...
this feeling that you're not on the same level as another person...just because they have more.
it kind of gets hammered into you, in some way or another.
because there are some days that you do get treated that way, like you are lower...
it's easy for that feeling to get stuck in your head, and it stays.
i think that i am as much to blame for that feeling as the person on the other side, to be honest.
we are the ones, after all, that let people make us feel a certain way.
it is i that chooses to hold onto that.
but...
at the end of the day...
those small things, those kind gestures, from another human being, another soul...it's those things that make the difference in a day.
in a life time, actually.
there are loads of times that i'm cleaning someone's clubs that are stayin at the hotel (and if you didn't know, i work at a course that is next door to a pretty nice hotel, that we work in conjunction with, so we take their clubs to the hotel when they're done playing golf, being its a service we provide to make things easier on the guest) that the golfer will ask, 'will they take the clubs back to storage for us?' and usually i just reply, 'yes, of course'...but more recently, after hearing that for some time, I've started to reply, ' i am they '...
the first time i said it...i surprised myself and it made me smile...but it also took the guest of the player that asked me that by surprise too...and they actually laughed as well.
the more i thought about my reply, the more i liked that phrase...'i am they'
if you think about it, we are all 'they' to another person.
which kinda means we are all 'we'.
so quick to stand at arms length from another person because we're different or we are on a different level of success or we're not as pretty...
whatever the case may be...we're all here...
struggling to survive and holding hope for what's to come.
yep...it's the simple things in this life that carry us through.

"everyday may not be good,
but there's something good in every day." ~anonymous~

so, just remember, when you're going about your day, and it seems bleak and full of nothing, if you look hard enough, you'll find good things...they may be small...but small may just be enough to get  you through to the next day.
yep.
i am they.

21 and under...

well, here we are...
early sunday morning, and i've decided to go with my gut today.
there are loads of times i wake up for a second, and have a good idea (well, of course, that's all relative) of somethin to write about, but then i go back to sleep, and when i wake back up, i've forgotten this so called good idea.
i kick myself a little each time i do that.
but not today, i woke up with a thought, and decided why not get up right this moment, and just write it.
truth is, sometimes you don't have the luxury of going with it, because of responsibilities, but today, i have none.
sooooooooooo, with that, i give you my waking thought :)
the other day, i took, a friend of mine to a concert.
it was a concert i was pretty excited about, but that she really didn't know either of the bands performing.
i had discovered both on that lovely little deal called pandora.
these bands always seemed to pop up on my ray lamontagne station.
so, a couple months ago, as luck would have it, i happened to notice on my facebook feed that one of them was comin to town, and low behold, the other was opening for them.
two birds with one stone!  woohoo!
i was totally excited!
it was at a small concert venue as well, one of those kind that there are no seats, and a little bar very close to the stage...so basically, everywhere you are is near the stage, but if you're lucky, you're right next to the stage, and it's like they're in your living room, playin for you...
and well, i guess a group of your best friends.  haha!
anyways, we arrive at the door and the bouncer people card us...
which always makes me laugh...45 and getting carded is kinda hilarious, but from the bouncer's face, he didn't think it was funny at all...and didn't consider thank you to be anythin he needed to reply to.  haha!  probably for the small fact that there were two lil hotties in short dresses right behind us.
we laughed as we walked in because the bouncer barely even could make the effort to look our way, because his eyes were firmly glued onto the two chicadees behind us.  hahahahha!
so, thus we enter...
now this venue also is a 18 and over place...since it does serve alcohol, and well, it has that sort of bar atmosphere.
it's already a bit crowded up front, but we move around the side where the bar is...and happen to be able to walk right into a nice lil spot, pretty close to the stage, and be able to grab a brew as well.  perfect!
the roadies were just putting the final touches on the stage, when we begin to look around.
my friend looks over at me, and asks me if i notice that everyone in the place is young...way young. 
i laugh and say, 'yeah, there seem to be a lot of young people here.'
but the bands are both young and good looking.  seems to go with the territory.
when the first group comes out, people begin screaming and dancing and singing...it's awesome!  and i'm happy as a lark.
meanwhile, my friend notices that there are loads of people, as they are waving their hands in the air, that have x's marked largely on their hands.  you know, like with a fat magic marker...that large!  she leans over to me, and asks me why i think that is, and after a second of thought, i tell her it's because they're under 21.
the key to this answer, 'under 21'.
for pretty much the rest of the night, she just can't believe that we're in a place that has a sea of x's all around us, and there we are, two older women, listening right with them.
every so often she would lean over and tell me how old she felt.
actually, she said it a lot.
at one point, i leaned over to her and said, 'you know, the secret to remaining young is to surround yourself with youth'...
   and hey, 'who cares who's around us, it's about the music, it's about having fun, just let go and enjoy'.
during that night, we would look over at each other and just giggle at the fact that we were literally the oldest people there.
which brings me to my waking thought...
i am so very glad that music does not have an age limit.
that you can hear something and love it and just be part of the music.
i often wonder, when i'm out at a bar that has live music, if when i get much older, i'll still feel like dancing when i hear something that has a good beat or want to sing, when i hear a tune that i know by heart.
i wonder if there is this point in life, where you stop wanting to sing and dance and enjoy what's right in front of you,
without worry or concern for what everyone else is thinking of you, but with the sole intent to be in the music.
because for me, i may be that old woman that is standing there, just smiling and doin a lil jig...i might be just be that lady.  haha!
i don't know about you, but there are days that i recognize my age, and i'm so surprised by it.  how did it get here?!
i don't feel 45 when i hear a lil jay-z, taylor swift, justin timberlake, snoop dogg, the biebs (yep, i said it!  haha!).
and then i wonder, when will i grow up?
the answer...
i'm kind of hoping, never :)
it's funny as you get older, how you notice certain things a lil more than when you were younger.
and for the last few years, when i'm out, i will see maybe a person that is 20 years my elder, and i wonder what they are doing in a bar like this...
the answer...
the same damn thing i'm doing...
getting out...
being in the world...
enjoying what's in front of us.
the problem with that is we set age limits for ourselves in life.
by the time we get to 20, we'll be in the midst of the college of our choice...
by the time we get to 25, we'll be married...
by the time we get to 30, we'll have 2.5 children (don't know how that works though.  haha!)
by the time we get to 35, we'll be well put together and have it all figured out, where we are going and what we are doing...
question is...who made these freakin rules?!  and why do we blindly, follow them?! 
geeeeeeeeeeeeeez!!!!!!!!!
problem with all of that is...what happens if life hits you, and you're not going according to plan?  then what?
screw all that.
if i did everything according to age...god, i wouldn't have had some of the great times i've had in my life.
you know that saying, 'act your age'?
ignore it completely!
be ridiculous sometimes...that's why we've worked so hard to get here in the first place!
so, we get older...the fact is, i take glucosamine, i worry about what i put in my body, i can't stay up late several days in a row without feeling like crap, i ache a lil when i get up in the mornin...that's part of the way it is...
but that doesn't mean we have to stop living.
yeah, maybe we have to be smarter and be more responsible. (i'm still working on that one)
but when it comes to music, all bets are off!
and thank god, music doesn't have an age limit!
and thank god, i can hear a 'teenie bopper' song on the radio, and i can sing as loud as i want to, right by myself, right out my windows.
i don't care in the least who hears or see's me!  hahahaha!
maybe it's a book, i can't remember at the moment, it's early, but it's called 'when i'm old i shall wear purple'...
in my mind, i've always thought that means that at a certain age, we stop caring what others think, we've paid our dues, we're old, we can do what we want, like wear purple, it's such a young color, vibrant and full of energy.
if i'm there already, i'm wearing some damn purple, and i'm break dancin if i want to, and i'm refusing to explain myself to anyone, if they ask :)  haha!
music for me is life and love and everything!
so, yeah, we were the oldest people in that bar, that night.
but we danced, we sang, and we lived.
that's what it's all about.
living.

the light i have...

so, yeah...
i've literally been sitting in front of my computer this morn for quite a bit of time, just staring at it, wondering when i will begin to type the words that are in my head.
and just a second ago, i thought to myself, 'man, i had such good ideas in the middle of the night, why didn't i write them then?'...
yep...
really great question!  haha!
but...oh, well.
so, here i am, in a serious block of letters and words.
hmmmmmmmmmm...
thing is...on these blog posts...mostly i just sit and write whatever comes to my mind...
i like it to work sort of organically, without thought of preparation, no rough drafts, just simple and easy, let it go, kind of writing.
funny thing is, even that seems to be hard to do.
just let go...and let whatever pops up, pop up.
yeah, normally, that's exactly how i work it.
but it's funny how the mind works...somedays i sit frozen, unsure of anything...and others...it rolls right off my hands and into this lil laptop.
so in essence, there are days that i create my own writer's block...haha!
wondering...'what am i gonna write!'
instead of just doing it...just writing.
i come across a zillion stories to write about when i'm not sitting in front of my computer...but then when i do sit, sometimes a zillion turns into an absolute zero.  crazy, yeah! 
i guess life is kinda that way too sometimes, eh?
lately i've caught myself wondering about the point of this whole deal...this life thing...
yes...i'll admit...it's a constant for me...i don't know about you...but i'm always sorta wondering where it's all going.
i think, 'okay, so, here i am...now what?'
hahaha!
right?!
so, many things i still want to do.
and then there's time, right?
will we have the time to do all that?
geeeeeeeeeeez!
am i doing this right...am i makin the right decisions?
good lord, the list is endless!
i've realized that there's no comparing my life to anyone else's...
my body to anyone else's...
my beliefs to anyone else's...
my feelings to anyone else's...
cuz, admittedly so, my feelings run rampant on certain occasions and on certain subjects.
so, pretty much...what we feel, think, want, and are...well, they're totally just ours...nobody else's.
you know when they say, 'walk a mile in another man's shoes'?
it is an extreme effort to do it, but we must do it.
otherwise, we may never understand another man's plight.
and well, that's what we're doing here, eh?
co-existing...sometimes :)  haha!
a couple different things happened to me at work recently that made me think a little bit...about perception...about how we make assumptions on other people's lives and actions, thinkin we know where they're coming from or who they are, based on our assumptions, which are based on our own experiences, not theirs.
now, mind you, i have the job of a lowly cart and bag attendant...those of us that do this job, are sort of laborers of a different sort...you still have to take care of people and be good at dealing with the in's and out's of the service industry...but we also, sling hefty bags, clean fitthy carts, and wipe down dirt ridden golf clubs...all in the hopes of someone handing you a few bills.
if they don't hand you a few bills, well, i can't speak for everyone, but i'm always a lil unsure of the soul of the person that i'm taking care of...hahaha!
but that's neither here nor there.
anyways...the story goes like this...
there are certain days at the sling that you clock in, and basically, do not stop moving and slinging til you clock out...
on days like this, you know in the back of your mind that you'll make some green, and you try to tell yourself that the green is worth the strain.  and mostly, it is.
because i know, after all, that i'm lucky that i'm a 45 year old woman that can still sling with kids, 20 to 30 years younger than me, and walk out with a wad of cash in my pocket.
i try not to think about the fact that i'm doing a monkey's labor, but the fact that i still like doing the monkey's labor.  haha!
so, during one of these days of slingfest central, one of my older gentlemen members, proceeds to hand me 4 dimes and 2 nickels, telling me that's all he has that day.
i'm not gonna lie to you...i'm always a lil offended when anyone hands me change.  and this day was no different.  haha!  i looked at him and told him it was okay, and tried to hand him the change back...but he insisted that he wanted me to have it.  haha!
as i walked away, i walked by our counter space, and put it there as to not have it jingling away in my pocket the rest of that day, because i was in the midst of getting my back side handed to me, and the reminder of that incident would just get to me, eventually.
like, here i am, and this is all i'm worth...50 cents...wowzers!
after things slowed down, i grabbed the change and took it to one of the guys inside the pro shop, and gave it to him, and told him that i wanted him to feel as special as i felt when i got it. 
yeah...that wasn't nice of me at all...i know.
just then i realized when i had told someone else about it, that 50 cents to some people, is a big deal...and to that man, he was trying to give me something...the last bit of what he had that day, because he didn't want to walk away not giving me anything.
instead i was just pissed off and maybe feeling a lil pissed on, i can't lie.  haha!
thing is...
back in his day...that would have gotten him into a movie and bought him a coke...most likely.
so, if i would have looked at it that way, maybe i'd have felt a lil less disreguarded for my services, than i had as i walked away from him. (let me also just interject a lil other thought...believe me, this doesn't happen often, the 50 cents thing, if it did, i wouldn't be able to actually survive, so i'm not at all saying that i'd be fine with 50 cents always...i am after all, trying to eat and pay rent...don't want anyone thinkin i'm some sort of angel that's okay with nothin...just thought i'd make that clear)
the thing is this...there are some days...when you're serving others, that it's easy to become jaded towards what people have and how they treat you...how it makes you feel...
but more importantly, how you let it make you feel.
deep down, for me, i know that doing this job that i do, isn't anything spectacular...that i'm not doing anything amazing with my life...i'm not striving for the best i can be...
but...
that's my choice...
that is not in any way, the choice of that person, giving me 50 cent's...
i am here, doing what i do, because i like it...i love golf...i love being outside...and most of the time, i love people, interacting with them...and yeah, amazingly so, being a part of their lives, somehow.
even if it is, just cart and bagging at a golf course.
i read somewhere one time, that whatever you do, you should do it well, and you can make a difference no matter where you are or what job you have.
i do feel as if that we can have a positive affect on other's lives no matter the career...that if you come from a place of kindness and love and thoughtfulness, that anything is possible.
and that most definitely, we all come from different places and perspectives...but that shouldn't ever get in the way of how we treat each other.
i, for one, have to remind myself quite often of this, because when you do serve the general public, it is too easy to walk away, feeling quite small or lackluster, because of what i do, but maybe it should be just as easy to walk in kindness, and just share some form of goodness that lies inside of you.
so, instead of jumping at the chance to be pissed or offended...i could jump at the chance at being different and being understanding.
that whole thought of taking a breath and counting backwards from 10, well, that might be a good thought, when coming across something that makes us naturally react.
in life it seems too easy to fight, rather than to listen and learn.
i came across this quote the other day, and maybe it is the perfect finish to this story of life...

"i am not bound to win,
i am not bound to be true,
i am not bound to succeed,
but i am bound to live up to the light i have."
~abraham lincoln

bound to live up to the light i have.
hmmmmmmmmmmm...
i like that...i like it loads and loads.
maybe we should all be so lucky to live up to that light.
i guess that choice is ours.
to live up to our own light.
yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

growing up...

the other day, i was havin a conversation with a friend, and i was saying how i was growing up, and learning...
was kinda funny...
being i'm 45, and still not grown up in so many ways.
haha!
but, oh, well, right?
i've decided that growing up isn't all it's cracked up to be on some certain occasions.
yes...it is cool to be able to do what you want.
yep...totally.
bills...hmmmmmmmmmm...not so cool...but then again, i always feel a sense of satisfaction when i can pay them...
that's always nice.
there's even a truly goofy part of me that loves to look in my fridge or cupboard, after i've gone grocery shopping, and look at my food.
yeahhhhhhhh, for some reason, that makes me feel good too.
just knowing that i have food. that's a big thing for me.
but then again, i just love grocery stores...there's something about them that makes me feel safe and happy...weird, i know...but it's something i've learned about myself.
i know what you're thinking, you're wondering what in the world a grown woman is thinking when she has a sense of satisfaction at the most common of things of being a grown up?
and to explain that...wow...there would be a whole lot of things, you'd have to know about me.
things you probably wouldn't want to know.  haha!
my thought though today...well...it's a pretty simple thought, as most of my thoughts are, i have to admit :)
i guess i figure in this ever changing world, we have to sort of stay on our toes, and learn the things that drive us...
the things that don't work for us at all...
the things that hurt us...
the things that make us feel joy...
the things that make us nervous, in good ways and bad ways...
it's these things that we should pay attention to.
in order somehow survive and learn and grow.
i'll be the first to admit though that this whole process can be a painful one.
a really painful one.
but i guess the cool part of that is that some days, i'm just rolling along, and i run into to something that i've seen before, and just then, i know what to do, and what i want.
that's when i realize that i have learned something.
but here's the thing...every situation that we encounter is different, right? 
and supposedly, if we let too much of our past rule how we make decisions now, we won't have an open mind to what's actually happening...we won't see things for what they are, if we live off the past.
it's a fine line to tread...
and i'm trying as i might, not to be jaded by things that have happened to me before.
gosh...that's when this being grown up thing is for the birds, eh?  haha!
decisions, decisions, decisions.
bargh!
haha!
the lucky thing in my life is though, that i haven't had to make huge decisions like most of my counterparts.
it's what comes with the fact that my life is pretty damn simple.
and i have not a whole lot of ownership of things in this world...truly, i don't.
i do find that sometimes, when others are having conversation with me about these kinds of things, that they look at me as if i could not possibly know where they are coming from, being that i do live this life of simplicity.
i can honestly say that there have been times that i've been offended by this...
being talked to as if i wasn't a pertinent member of society,
just because i have chosen this lifestyle.
thing is though...we're all living here, experiencing things...at the same time...
just down the street from each other.
and yes, they are different levels of stress...
and we all deal with it differently as well.
we all feel failure and hurt and dissapointment.
i think that maybe if we could just see that in each other and know that it's all important...
maybe there would be some common ground between the haves and the have nots.
i'm looking at this as i type, and it's not actually what i had woken up to write...
but it's what's coming out of me, so, obviously, it might be what's on my mind.
seeing eye to eye with another living soul is something to strive for in this life time.
to try and understand someone else's plight, even if it's not your own.
i think that could be a way to end a lot of the pain of growing up.
it's taken me a long time to get to this place in my life,
where there is satisfaction in the smallest of things.
for me, i live in a pretty small way, really.
i get up...i have coffee...i work out...i go to work...
and then...a whole lot of small things in between, that make my life what it is.
i know that there's more...and as i grow and as i learn...i'm tryin to figure out what other small things i'd like to add to the mix of my life.
now, i have to tell you, i have no idea if that means at all that i'm growing up.
haha!
but that being said...i've found myself as of late, understanding a lil more...and trying to make decisions according to what's good for me and what's not.
this, my friends, has taken me a long long time to get to.
yes, i may be a slow learner...and quite immature in a numerous amount of ways.
but...
and this is a big but...(yeah, i said big but...haha!)
every once in awhile i notice myself doing something that i haven't done before, and i realize, 'holy shit, i am learning!'
for me...i don't know about you...
i'm pretty stoked, elated, and jazzed up, when i know i've actually moved forward and figured one little thing out.
so, yeah, for me...baby steps...that's my ticket.
maybe the secret in life is to figure out what our ticket is to growing and learning.
and just go with that.
it may not look at all like the person next to you...
but the funny part about that is...sometimes all those different ways of growing up, take us to the exact same place as the guy next to us.

"could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other's eyes for an instant?"
~from 'walden' by henry david thoreau~