Sunday, May 25, 2014

patience, child, patience....

so, here I am...
in my lil apartment...
Pandora playin softly...yep...brandi carlile station...soft and easy...
thinkin it may just be the way to write today...
soft and easy...hmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
well, as I sit here, there are so many things to say...
but, at the moment, i'm a bit unsure of where to start...
so, i'm gonna start by sayin...this past month...it's been a hard one...
but I've noticed through it all, and being aware of my surroundings... people, places, and things and such...
I've noticed a lot of commotion actually.
in the world...in this small town...in people's hearts...in life, in general.
it feels like sometimes, all of this searching can make you feel more lost than being lost.
haha!
there have been moments in this last month that I literally thought, maybe I was losing it, for real...but then right after that moment, these bits and pieces of clarity always seem to pop up...
not sure why it happens that way...
but maybe it's because hope is always around the corner.
something like that, I think.
at least, I think that's what I have to believe.
always lil signs poppin up here and there, right when you need them.
maybe it's life's lil way of keepin us alive, feelin like there's possibility in every breath, or sunshine after a hard storm...
oh, gosh, I don't even know...
but I can tell you this...life is so fucking full of surprises...it really is! 
if you don't believe me...start paying attention to things that happen around you...and what order they happen...and the things that you wish for out loud...
it's powerful...and if you're paying attention...you'll be insanely astounded by the machine of life itself...holy shit, for real! 
as low as things can seem to get...those highs...oooooooooowwwweeeeeeeeeeee...
there's nothing like them.
funny thing is, recently, I had a bout with back spasms...
as always, in life, it was just at the time that I thought, man, things suck right now...
but just then, I couldn't walk...getting out of bed took 10 minutes, to figure out somehow how to get to the bathroom was a pain like I can't explain...sweats and shakes to stand on my own two feet.
yep...these are the times, that one thinks...oh, man, I should have a room mate...hahahahaha!
so, when I thought it couldn't get worse in my heart...my body broke down...
so there I was, stuck in my bed for a couple days, literally...
stuck in my own thoughts about my life, at that moment...
there was no escape...at all! 
talk about havin to face your ghosts and demons...
nothing like being stuck in your room with no emergency escape route...wowzers!  haha!
the things you have taken for granted seem impossible, right there, in those very moments.
I found myself prayin that the next day I would be able to take only 5 minutes to get out of bed...hahahaha!  yeah, you begin to think it will never go away...
the thought of just rolling over without havin this jolting sensation down your legs and up your back...that's like a dream!
lookin back at that, the first morning I could actually get up without a lot of pain, I felt like the world had been given back to me...
I stretched and slowly got back to normal...whatever normal is...of course, all of you know very well, honey fucking deacon...i'll never be normal...ahaha!
not even possible!
but the thing is...wow...life hits you, just that way...
usually my back spasms come in one felled swoop...
this one was gradual...lil by lil it came to me...and knocked me right out.
point is...
it can be fast and hard...or it can a gradual process...
but it happens no matter what.
change happens...bad and good...whether we are ready for it, or not.
somehow I've been tryin to figure out how to just work my way through it, without losing who I am, and remembering that pain and joy are just temporary...
but they always come and go...
it's just that way.
with light there is always dark.
I guess it's all in the way we look at it too.
as human beings, we're all sort of afraid of the things we don't know or can't control.
but do we always need control?  I just don't know...I tend to think not.
I do know that, for me, sometimes, or maybe more than I am willing to admit, I like to have some sort of feeling of control...
and in some instances, we can have that.
we decide a lot of things for ourselves, in our own lives...
but all the stuff that is not ours, well, it's just not in our control.
hearts and minds and souls...they are free!
as for me...i'd like to live this life with love in mind.
I just want to...I feel like it's part of who I am.
saying this, doesn't make anything easier....that's the funny part, right?
so, maybe, I think, as much as we can, in our own lives, we just have to figure out for ourselves who we are, what we want, how we want to love, and how we want to live...
and mostly this happens as we go along, right there, in the moment, as we're living...
we're jumping, dodging, ducking, running, walking backwards, sprinting like hell, and sometimes even standing completely still, watching the moment overtake us.
that's the hard part isn't it?
knowing how to move...
or maybe just moving with the ebb and flow of it all...
hoping for some parts of it to hit home and make sense.
I think if we pay attention and listen to our hearts, we'll know more possibly, than any book or any opinion anyone else could ever do for us.
but most importantly...we have to just live through it.
feel all of the shit you feel.  see for yourself what it is. 
and don't be scared away.
we all have power to do anything we want and be who we want to be and love who we love...
it's not up to anyone else.
there are one million quotes, possibly two million, that say all the power that you need is already within you...
that may seem like a lot smoke, blowing up your ass...
but believe me...it's not.
we all have it.
so, maybe today and each day, take a look at yourself in the mirror, and know that you're the best friend you've got...be a good one.
decide what you want.
and do it.
i'll leave you with this quote I came across quite awhile back, but just came back to me recently, when I opened my lil quote book that I write in...here ya go...read it out loud...don't worry, no one is looking...but if they are...pshhhhhhhhhhhhhhht...who cares?!  ;)

"patience, child, patience.  remember, life is a journey.  if you got everything you wanted all at once there'd be no point to living.  enjoy the ride, and in the end you'll see these 'set backs' as giant leaps forward, only you couldn't see the bigger picture in the moment.  remain calm, all is within reach;  all you have to do is showup everyday, stay true to your path and you will surely find the treasure you seek." ~Jackson kiddard~