middle of august...
wow!
I can't believe it's here!
knowin that pro football pre-season is happenin means many things...
that basically, summer is slowly make it's way out the door...
noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...
durin the winter months I always long for those salty, lazy beach days...
ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yessssssssssssssss...
another school year starts, and most of my friends have to get back on track and on schedule for kids and things...
which makes the weekends even more longed for...
even if i'm still a service girl...so that's never a sure thing, if you know what I mean.
anyways...yep...here we are, mid-august...
and here I am, still in deep thought of the next best thing that will happen in my life...
something that I must make happen.
gosh, I gotta tell ya...I have no idea some days what i'm doin, and i'm quite sure that it shows most days...haha!
the even funnier part of that is that it's bothering me less and less.
or maybe that's not so funny in some ways...
which brings me to something that happened to me the other day that made me think of my life and how it is and where i'm going (which I can't lie, i'm not goin many places, honestly, just where i'm lead, I guess, which i'm learnin as I get older, isn't such a bad thing)
I was out with a couple friends the other night at a local spot, just havin a couple brews and catching up, when I ran into a friend that I hadn't seen in quite awhile...
we traded hello's and how are things, and he walked away...
but later he came back with his girlfriend.
she's this really amazing person...full of vim and vigor...intelligent...go getter...and always completely great conversation can be had with this girl...very very cool.
so, basically, we begin catching up, and somehow get on the subject of life and where it's leading.
at one point, she stops and just asks me...'what are your goals, honey?'
I possibly looked like a deer in the headlights...no lie...I got really quiet and then I looked at her and sort of laughed a bit out loud, and nothing came out of my mouth that made any sense...
at all.
haha!
I mean, I just sat there, and stumbled through an explanation of how I felt about life.
right now.
that my goals were more simple than what they used to be.
and probably a lot smaller too.
I felt myself begin to feel as small as what my goals seem to be these days, sittin there, on that stool in that local joint, music playin in the background, people cheering for whatever team they were watching on the multitude of TV's.
yeah...
there I was...
without a goal.
she looked at me, and told me, it's never too late to start, that right now might be the perfect time in my life to start going for things and changing my life around.
we finished our conversation, said our goodbyes and went on our separate ways.
I woke up the next morning, and headed to work, all the while, feelin this naggin sensation that I had no goals.
one of waking thoughts that morning was, 'holy shit, i'm a loser, I have no real goals anymore'...
yeah...not the best way to start the day...haha...
but here's the thing, and there's always a thing right? yeah, there is...
thinkin all of this through, I do realize a few things about who I am and why i'm the way I am...
and they might not truly be things I should admit out loud...
but for the sake of being honest, which is one of the reasons I write this blog, is to share and maybe make others know that maybe they're not alone...
and yes, I do know that there are days that we all feel very alone...trust me, I do.
as I've gotten older my goals have changed drastically...most definitely.
and through the search of tryin to live more simply, I've simplified what I actually need.
these things are small.
food, shelter, family, and friends.
I look at this list.
and I have it all.
literally.
I couldn't be any luckier.
honestly.
I type this with a tears in my eyes, because I've finally come to this point in my life, that I don't need to lie to myself or anyone else about who I am and about where I'm going or where i'm not going.
I know that to the outside world I am just a bagslinger...I put tips in my pocket...and I live off them.
my goals somedays are just to work and to workout, and have a good day...have coffee...watch the sun rise...play something outside...and be kind (let me just say, i fail at this one somewhat often)...
yeah.
not changing the world.
true.
thinkin about how this part of me that used to dream about these things i would do or accomplish scares me a lil bit, after that conversation, because i don't know where that person went.
if she just quit or just rearranged her view on how life was gonna turn out.
because maybe i just gave up.
or maybe i'm just getting up each day and seeing where it leads me.
i don't know...i really don't.
i know there's more out there, i do.
i think the scariest part of that question is that maybe I've turned into this person that doesn't need more or isn't willin to go to great lengths to get there.
if anything, it's made me more aware that in certain parts of my life, I've not set the bar very high, I've just let it be and just moved on from there, and kinda let it go.
like it's a fact of life.
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
i'm not so sure that's how i need to see things, but right now, it's the way i do.
so, you see, one conversation, in a bar...
and here i am.
wondering what to do next.
but most importantly, without comparing myself to anyone else.
successes and failures. they add up.
they bring us to the top and they take us down to the very bottom.
i have to believe that we're all here for different reasons...
reasons not everyone will understand or see.
but that makes no matter.
honestly, it doesn't.
i think the cool part of life, is that everyday we get to decide...
so yep, maybe i'll start adding a couple goals to my already awesomely loaded list.
one's that make me get out of my comfort zone...scare me a lil bit...and make me grow.
it's so easy to slide by...and forget that we have the power to change our lives...
but then again...
sliding is pretty damn fun too...
maybe a good balance of sliding and growing.
yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...could be key to life.
sliding and growing :)
well, that...and knowin who you are.
"the privilege of a lifetime is being who you are." ~joseph campbell~
