to be proud

originally, when i had thought that i wanted to start a blog,
i thought that i'd like to do one without attaching my name...
so that, basically, i could write anything i wanted to or was feeling,
and not be worried about any waves or ripples that would come afterwards.
just think about it...
to be able to be completely honest,
without really having to own up to it,
or more like...take responsibility for it...
or...
feel guilty about how you truly feel about this or that.
but then when it came to actually putting it together,
i found that it would be really hard to get people to read it,
if they didn't know where it came from.
so, yeah...it was a bit confusing as to what to do,
but then eventually i thought, why not do it, and put my name on it,
and make no excuses for myself.
just put it out there.
you know?
it just seems as if life would be that much easier if we could always just put it out there...right?
hmmmmmmmm...
which brings me to a thought that has bouncing around my noggin the last several days.
it really has to do with pride.
pride of one's self.
pride of family.
pride of friends.
recently i had been without internet for quite awhile...
as you know, i've been blogging from the buck on the island with one of my best friend's computers...oh, the pleasures of free wi-fi :)
anyways, just last week, i have finally lucked into internet once again, at home.
quite nice, but it has also made me fall to the temptations of hulu.
being able to catch up on a lot of the shows i enjoy, has been fantastic,
but also has taken me away from all of the reading i was doing without internet at home. so, a blessing, and a curse, all at the same time. haha!
anyways...although mostly t.v. is just another form of escape (a way to turn your brain off), a few of the shows i watch are dramas, usually full of emotion, love, passion, some laughter (all of my favorite things)...usually good music...for some reason reminded me of family...of love...of proud moments within all of that too.
then i thought about the specific instances that i have been overjoyed and astounded by the people around me.
it made me want to be more specific and say these things out loud.
i grew up in a small town...not a lot going on, most definitely...
but a child hood full of playing, full of fun, full of support, and full of kindness.
this is fully because of my parents, my brothers, my friends, and my friend's parents even.
i don't recall ever having a game that one of my parents wasn't there...cheering me on...from little league right through to playing varsity on whichever sport it was that happened to be going on.
i remember several high school basketball games that ended in victory in the last second, that a crowd of people, coming out of the stands to celebrate...and in that crowd...yep...my parents, rushing the floor.
i could always hear their voices, during the games too.
thinkin back on that makes me smile broadly.
softball games...while at bat...i knew they were there, behind the fence, hoping for a hit...willing our team to win.
in every way and in every step they've been there...
scooting me along.
telling me anything was possible.
telling me how amazing they thought i was or think i am...
even though, in my head, i'm wondering what daughter they must be talking about. never having as much faith in myself that they seem to have.
through college and afterwards, during my different teaching jobs...
always laughing with me at my stories,
and interested in what is going on in my life.
when i came home to tell them i was gay about 12 years ago...
they listened, and they accepted me.
of course, yes, my mom, being the good catholic woman that she is...
felt guilty, as if she made some mistake along the way,
for me to have been gay...
but i sat with her, and explained to her that she did nothing wrong.
that what she did was right with me...it made me finally strong enough,
and trust enough in them, that i could actually be who i was because of who they were to me.
that my life has always been entrusted to them.
it's better because of them.
there were months there, before my past partner and i were having a commitment ceremony, that my mom and i had big discussions about why we felt the need to do it...why was it so important.
we had these conversations, that in my life, i never thought we would be having...so frank, so open, and so honest.
i was so amazed and proud of my mom for coming to understanding and even hoping for love for me.
listening to her on the phone with each of her brothers and sisters,
explaining to them why we were having this big party in the first place.
i could tell she was nervous, but i have never been so proud to watch her grow through it, and understand me more along the way, and how important it is to be who you are...after all, if you can't be who you are with the people you love the most, how will you ever be to everyone else?
yes, it probably is sometimes easier to be who you are to strangers.
i get that.
but to be lucky enough to have a family that knows who you are,
and loves you just the same...
that's pretty freakin amazing, i can't lie!
and no...it's not always tulips and daisies.
we fight too...we disagree...we have a constant conversation about where my life is going and what the hell i'm doing with it, don't get me wrong...
but...
i know too...
that they are there...
and for that, i am soooooooooooooo proud.
so proud to be in this family.
a few years ago...my mom took me on a trip to visit family in d.c.
my second cousin introduced me to some people and we were going out that night...
a night of gay clubs, basically. i was pretty excited :)
they were dropping me off at the house,
and ended up coming in for drinks,
while waiting on the other girls to arrive.
i was a bit nervous,
because there we were, ready for my gay night on the town...
and there was my mom, in the midst of it all...lookin a little uncomfortable.
well, somehow the conversation turned to one of the girls in the room,
that hadn't come out to her family yet...religious and cultural reasons, basically.
from out of nowhere, my mom spoke up, and told her how she thought that she should tell her family...that they really needed to know who she was...how sad she was that i had waited so long to tell her...and not to be afraid.
now that, my friends, that is one unstoppable mother.
right by herself.
nobody asked her to speak up...she just did.
i am her daughter,
and i am so proud of it, i can't even begin to explain to you how great she has made me feel in my life time.
i could go on an on about my family...and friends (maybe it will have to be a two parter)
stories upon stories...of proud moments...
but feel as if maybe my point has been made.
we all have instances that we can look back on and are astounded by in life.
if those people are within shouting distance from you.
you should definitely let them know what they've done for you.
because a lot of times,
they may not even realize how fantastically they've changed your life,
or have made it better.
too little in our lives do we take the time to just give it...give love.
so much easier to complain or bitch or wine.
nah...
get that thought out of your head.
there is a shift that happens in life when you begin to notice all the good thats happening around you...and you begin to appreciate it...and yes, even saying what you need to say...'walkin like a one man army'...john mayer is right.
you have to put it out there.
as my man e.e. cummings would say...
'be of love
a little more careful
than of anything'
if you have love for anyone...
take care of it.
nurture it.
say what you love about them.
make them smile.
do whatever you have to do to show them these things.
don't leave it for another day.
each moment is a chance to do something right.
be proud.
live.
love.
now.