this very moment...

so, i've just gotten back from a trip out to the great northwest...
and when i say great...
i mean GREAT! :)
the weather couldn't have been better...
the food...
the beer...
the people...
the city...
well...just everything was absolutely how you'd want it to be when you take a trip.
as i was on my adventure, and sort of walking tour of the city on a few different days, it took me back to my lil stint of living there, and this is what i came up with...
although i did come back, maybe a bit too soon, and maybe didn't give it the chance that i should have...i know too, that so many things fell right into place upon my arrival home.
in life, it seems, we can look back on decisions and wonder if they were right or wrong, kick ourselves a little bit, being unsure of what we've done, and maybe even regret the choices that we make out of gut instinct or whatever you would like to call it.
a friend and i were discussing this last night, and i was telling her about walking around portland...and how, on a few occassions, i thought to myself...'wow, honey, maybe you do run away from things too quickly, chicken out, not have enough faith in myself to just get through.'
as i was thinking this about portland and missing all of the things that this city has to offer, that home can't...
i was brought out of my dreamy thoughts, by my phone ringing...
taking me right back home and one of the reasons why it's so good to be there...
it was thomas, asking if i could come and pick him up for a play date. haha!
when i answered, it just made me laugh, and think...
'you're in the right place, honey, you don't need to question it'
which brings me to some other thoughts on this crazy life we live.
i've realized lately as well, that there are many times that we don't listen to our hearts enough...or we just don't go on our instincts...what feels right...
because for some reason, we're not really sure it could be right.
well, to that i say we have to start listening ever more deeply to what's inside of us...because 9 times out of 10, it's right on.
i'm always surprised by the sheer power and fact of how that happens...
how it's right there, in my face, saying, 'here i am'...
but there i go...not trusting...not believing...not having the faith...
in the one thing...
my gut, my heart, my instincts, my intuition...
yes, yes, yes...
we all have different thoughts and feelings and names for this thing,
but i think maybe we can all agree that it's there.
not outside of us...but inside of us.
each one of us.
the key or the answer or the trick is...
to start listening to that voice.
to step out of the crowd and pave your own path.
carve it out just the way you want it, because it is all yours.
we have this life to live...
and to consistently go with your gut, might be just the ticket.
i don't know about you, but for me...i get scared...
i sometimes just don't have an idea of which way is up, where i should be, what i should be doing...
but i do know, after this amazing week that i had in portland,
that i am in the place i should be...for now.
what surprises me the most is that it takes leaving to sometimes understand what it's like to be home.
i was completely surrounded by loads of strangers for the 8 months that i lived out there, but was somehow able to find a sense of love and understanding and peace that i may not have been able to find, sitting here, complacently, in my lil beach town.
it helped me in so many ways, that i'm still discovering.
and that is one of the truly amazing parts of this journey of life that we live.
i am so lucky in so many ways, it would take ages upon ages to enumerate all of the reasons for my luck...it makes me smile, just thinking about it.
so, when we look back on our decisions, our choices, our past...
don't worry...
don't fret...
the reasons and the regrets are just things we have to feel, then understand, then just tuck away, because there's so much more to do and so much more to learn.
i've been reading this book about mindfulness and meditation,
and it's really reminding me, if nothing else,
to stop and look around...
to be aware of the smallest of things...
and to take them in and appreciate the moment for what it is.
a moment.
but at the same time, it's a moment in YOUR life...
you have to notice that!
and finally, i'll leave you with this...
one of the other reasons i was out in portland was to attend a wedding of a very very dear friend of mine...
i kid you not...it was one of the most fantastic and beautiful weddings i've ever been to...not only because it was out on a horse farm, surrounded by the hills and valleys of the oregon countryside...but because there was this astounding feeling of love...of acceptance...of family...of celebration...of being surrounded by warmth, and yes, sunshine (they do have that in oregon sometimes. haha!)...
but what it reminded me of, and also made me know that i wanted in my life...
was to surround myself with the people that make me smile just because they walk in the room...that make me laugh...that make me remember and know what it feels like to be loved and cherished and taken care of...that have respect for you even if you are different...that have something to share that will help you grow as a person...and that maybe sometimes, even take your breath away.
here's a quote from 'on the road' by jack kerouac,
that maybe explains this a little better and more eloquently...

"the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everyone goes 'awwwwwwww!"

you see...
i have this...
and i am lucky,
and in this very moment,
it is as it should be,
and i'm here, right now, in this place,
and i am happy.
we do get to choose certain things in our lives.
choose wisely, because it's all yours...paint your landscape as wildly and passionately as you want to!
live, laugh, and love, my friends, live, laugh, and love.
and listen to your heart...it knows what it's talkin about, most assuredly so.
'...and this is the wonder thats keeping the stars apart...'