'let the world know we were here'

so, i have been debating with myself on how to write this blog,
and keep all members in it, anonymous and safe.
and well...
it's not easy to do, i have to say.
but am gonna make a play for it...
so, let's just say...open mind is where you need to be,
whilst reading this story.
one can only hope.
and well, if you're here, most likely, and know me, i know already that you have an open mind.
mind you, i realize too, that being open minded has different levels...
ranging from wide open to slightly ajar :)
but...that being said, it all seems to be relative according the conversation we're having.
thus goes my story...
the other day i found myself in a situation that i wasn't quite completely ready for.
i may have over-reacted, and in thinking this, i decided to use a couple of my friends as sources of advice, as we all do in situations of life.
i feel as if i should explain a little about the happening, and then, basically, go from there...because it is not only what happened that matters, but my reaction, and the reactions of the friends and family that i spoke to about it.
this seems to have had an impact on me as much as the incidence at hand.
anyways, a long story short...
i was with a group of people and heard the word 'faggot' being used.
and not in the sense of a cigarette or a meatball, but as a general cutdown...
and just so you know...being a gay woman, it's quite often that you hear this word, or perhaps, 'queer' or 'gay' or even 'dyke' used in negative ways.
meant to be the lowest of low...
but, for me...it's personal...and when i hear it used that way...it affects me...
it makes me emotional...it hurts my feelings...and it enrages me...
all in all...it's a term that i can't stand...
granted...people say harsh words to each other all the time...
they cut each other down...
hurt each other, both emotionally and physically...
so, why, why does this bother me so?
just words right?
yes, they are just words...
i feel as if i am being remiss that i'm not explaining the situation further,
but suffice it to say...
i over-reacted a bit...but stepped back, as i noticed...took a deep breath...
and began to have a very passionate, two sided conversation that ended in an understanding way.
no, this doesn't always happen, when these words are uttered...
but in this situation...it was quite important to remain open and honest about feelings and such, that in the end, there was a new-found understanding...which is the best case of a worst case scenario.
i should also say that what a surprise it is sometimes in life that when something comes up that we deem important or vital to the next turn in life...we do treat it a bit differently.
when i was younger, i didn't really think about any of those terms...
about what they mean or how they may affect people.
it was in the coming out process and dealing with different circumstances of discrimination and hatred that i learned how important it is to speak up...
to say...'hey, that's not cool,' or 'do you know what you're saying?'
i will say time and time again how lucky i am to be where i am, and to have what i have.
to have a family and group of friends and a community that accepts me for who i am, and doesn't turn their back on me because they know who i am.
and here's the thing...
a couple days after my experience, i found myself in another conversation, re-telling the story, which i've only truly told to a couple people that are close to me...
the reaction to my story was kind of a mixed bag, because there were several people listening...
one of the people said to me that, 'oh, honey, you can't change anything, there's always gonna be hatred in world, and there'll always be people using those terms, people are discriminated against all the time,' and to that i replied, 'but if that were the case, nothing would ever change'...'when we're young, we are lead by example...hatred is sometimes taught...we have to be on the constant lookout to re-teach these things.'
the conversation went on, and there was a point that i had to get up and walk out of the room to gather myself, because obviously, this subject is personal for me and i believe in the fight of rights to all people...whatever the race, the creed, the color, the religion, the sexual orientation...because it's my feeling that using those words, and it being okay, well, that's where it all starts. that's where hatred is allowed to grow.
i believe that if we all sat back and just let things go, and didn't speak up...well, then that would be crazy and we would be being totally irresponsible for this human race.
i believe that it's insanely important to teach our young people the importance of language and how they use it to each other, with each other, and against each other.
it's never too early to learn this...
but it's the going about it...that's the hard part...
the taking a deep breath part...and speaking clearly...without judgement...and with the hopes of coming out the other side with a lil bit of peace and understanding from where you're coming from.
yes...it is a soap box that i've honestly not had to get on in awhile, being that i live this little life that i do...
being that, i don't have to fight for too many things.
being that i wake up in the morning, and have the freedom to do what i choose and be who i am.
not everyone has that luxury.
i am thankful for it.
but i'm also thankful that i can speak up and say what's what.
i know that we are not always going to agree...
the most important part...the most...is being able to hear each other.
i heard a song the other morning, on the way to work.
one of the lines from it states, 'let the world know we were here.'
so, in that vein,
here's my thought...
we have to stand up, even when it's on this small island, in your classroom, in your gym, or on a grander scale, the country you live in...
speak up, speak honestly, and listen...
because yes, you can and do make a difference.
if not you...who else is gonna do it?
don't leave it to others to change the world...piece by piece, we all can have a hand in it.
so, i've made it full circle from my little story of the day recently that i heard the word 'faggot'...who it came from was important to me, but the words spoken afterwards were more important.
it's sometimes not that easy to admit to the frailty of being human...of flying off the handle...of speaking out of turn...of making an ass out of yourself...
but then again...
there are times that we have to do just that...
'let the world know we were here.'
so, maybe in your daily life,
your comings and goings,
there are things that you hear or see...sometimes, first, we have to just take it in, then decide if it's important to you...these things take time.
they take, living life and feeling and experience to finally come to a point,
when you're ready to be heard.
we're all different...
we have different soap boxes, i'm quite sure.
but isn't that pretty damn grand?
i mean seriously!
several years ago, after one of the biggest arguments i've possibly ever had, i remember my dad saying to me, 'honey, i'm just so glad you have an opinion.'
typing that makes me smile.
because although i'm on opposite ends of the fence many times with my father,
he made me feel good about speaking up, whether he agreed or not,
and he loves me just the same whether we agree or not.
don't get me wrong, folks...not everyone is gonna love you, after you've said your peace/piece...
but it's in the trying that life is lived.
let 'em hear it...
you might make a lil crack in the world, and maybe some one will hear you.
all it takes is one voice...next thing you know...voices :)
stand up and speak.
'let the world know we were here.'

'remember who you are'

recently, i was at a friend's house, watching the super bowl...
and afterwards, we stood outside, havin this conversation about everything pretty much, known to man...our past...our present...and our future.
i remember thinkin how cool it was,
because it was actually one of my good friend's boyfriends that i watched the bowl with.
she was out of town with business stuff,
so, it was just him and i, and her kids,
hangin out...
we had subs and drank beer...
there we were, just watchin the game...
like peeps do...makin comments about the game and the commercials...
telling stories to her kids.
all in all, it was an interesting night...hangin out with this new guy friend of mine...
the kind of guy that gives massive man hugs...
the kind of guy that can build anythin...
knows every kind of plant...
can cook a mean breakfast...
he's thoughtful, kind, and loving to my friend (which is what you want for all of your friends right?)
i mean, this guy...he's the shit...he is!
anyways...i felt like i needed to describe him to you because something he said that night, has stuck with me...
i haven't been able to get it out of my head...
and i've been trying to think of how exactly i should share it with you to make it have the affect that it did for me or to me...which one of these i don't know...maybe both.
anyways, we were talking about our younger days,
about going out, the things we did and didn't do.
and he told me that when he got to the age that he was beginning to go out to parties and drink,
that every time he'd leave his house,
he said his mother wouldn't go into what his curfew was, because she knew he wasn't goin to make it, she wasn't goin to preach to him either because he probably wouldn't hear her...
basically, she would say to him...'just remember who you are'
he told me, when she would say that, he'd think, 'dang, mom, why'd you have to say that? anything but that!'
haha!
so, i've been thinkin about this quote non-stop...
'remember who you are'
hmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
who you are.
that's serious business, isn't it?
to know this, is to know all things...
or more truthfully, to know the most important thing.
it's really made me contemplate, who i actually am.
since then, i've been sorta listing things in my head of who i am...to me.
like where i came from...my family...how i grew up...the people i was surrounded by...
the people who taught me...if i studied...the churches i grew up in...
the crazy puppet ministry...yep...i said puppet ministry. hahahhaha! (that was for you, justin! hahahahaha!)
youth group...countless choirs and choir tours...
wacky hours spent playing basketball every chance i got.
tennis, tennis, tennis...pitching a baseball at my parents wooden fence, with a painted circle for the strike zone, sure that i was gonna be a pitcher for some amazing baseball team.
wow! that was loud! how did my parents just let me do that, over and over again?! haha!
the list keeps going, believe me...
thing after thing of which makes me who i am today...
and yet still...
there are days, that i just don't know.
where i'm goin, what i'm doin, or who i am.
a friend and i were talkin today, after yoga, as we were drivin home,
and she was sayin how sometimes she looks back at her choices in men,
and wonders, 'what was i thinkin?!'
we were both giggling about it as we were rollin down the road,
and we decided that these people that we look back at...we're not regretful about being with them...on the contrary...
we're happy we experienced it...because they're the one's that have helped us figure out what we truly want in a partner, and how we want to be as well.
so, even when the experience is not so great...we still usually learn something from it.
and some of them...well, some of them...you just have to be able to look back at, and laugh, and think, 'what in the world was i thinkin?!' haahahahha!
all of this stuff...all of it...
shapes and molds who we are.
so, each day, as of late...i've been walking out the door in the morning, and repeating that phrase to myself to make sure i'm paying attention...
'remember who you are'
am thinkin that it will remind me to pay attention to my words and to my actions.
i don't know about you,
but there are days, that i'm not so proud of what i've said or how i've reacted to something...
days that i look back and think, 'what are you doing?' or 'who are you?'
days that i'm just tired and unsure...
days that i wonder if it will all ever make any sense.
and i guess, the worst one is the fear that i'm not the person that i can be because i'm too busy trying to be someone else rather than just owning up to who i actually am...full of issues, failures, and idiosyncrasies...
yeah...i'm talkin about the pretty stuff :)
thing is...
our lives are full of this shit...everywhere we turn, there's a reason to give up, to stop, to not even start, to hate, or to not love...
yeah...everywhere...
but i think, it's exactly at that point that we have to remind ourselves to 'remember who you are'
because before anythin ever creeped in your head about doubt of yourself...you just did it...you just went out and did it...you dreamed it...you lived it...
then somewhere along the way, we forget who we are...
we forget what we're made of...all those little things that we grew up learning and doing and being...all of that.
the joy and excitement of it all, that's what we need to dig back into.
yes, yes, yes...we do learn a lot from the mistakes we've made, for sure.
i'm not denying that in the least.
but that good stuff...that good stuff that we had as kids...pure and simple...
without fear or regard of what we looked liked...
that's it.
in yoga class, when there's a pose that you can't quite get down into,
we use a block to assist us...and sometimes the teacher comes around and adjusts us because they can see our position a lil better than we can...there are also times that we hold each other up in balance poses, just by a simple touch.
the beautiful part of all of that is that when you walk into yoga, they're always reminding you to let go of all of that stuff that holds you back. basically, all of those things that you tell yourself, that aren't true...that sometimes we are actually our own worst enemies.
if we could get out of our own way, we might just surprise ourselves.
so, my thought is this...
maybe it's just a good idea to ask yourself each day to 'remember who you are'...
and in that remembering...a lot of good things could come to you and the people around you.
oscar wilde once said, 'just be yourself, everyone else is taken.'
but first you have to ask yourself something...
who are you?