FTS...

so, yes, it seems it has been awhile...
I don't really have a good reason...
except to say...
well...
I was living my life...
sometimes it gets away from me...
but i'm just gonna jump right in here and say what I need to say...
"fuck that shit"
okay, okay, okay...
yes, I do realize perhaps its not the way to start a blog after a long absence, but maybe I should go back a little and explain myself...
how bout that?
in this passed year I've seen a lot happen, a lot has happened to me, and well, I guess I've felt a lot.
I don't know about you guys, but I know for me, i'm constantly questioning and thinking and contemplating where it is I even belong in this life...
what am I doing?
     where am I going?
          who am I?
                    and if I know where i'm going, what is the best route to get there?
it's these daily questions that sometimes leave me totally and utterly frustrated, and mostly sleepless, I can't lie...
there have been many days in this year that has passed us by that I've wondered if I am enough...
     enough to fight for...
            enough to take a chance on...
                    enough to succeed (my version of success, of course, is totally not enough either, I might
                                                           add...haha)
                                and enough to love.
yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
a lot of freaking questions!
but here's the thing...
and it's no small thing either...it's the biggest thing I do know...
at the end of every single day, i'm hoping that I've made some kind of impact on somebody that I've come across...
I hope also to do a good job, wherever i'm working.
      I hope to be a good daughter and sister.
               I hope to be a thoughtful, kind, and loving person in general.
                        and when it comes to love, I hope to love bigger, stronger, and wilder, without regard
                                    or regret.
these are the most simple things in life, truly.
and yes, I fail at each one of them, sometimes all at the same time, sometimes individually, but each day that the sun comes up, I make strides to do it all over again.
to live and to learn and to grow.
it's funny because writing this blog, I have repeated myself like crazy.
it's almost as if it is my mantra.
to be a broken record sometimes just means you stand for something...that you believe in something.
this passed year I've discovered so many things about myself and what I want and what I need.
during that I've tried to be as introspective as possible without falling completely apart, because let's just say, if we look deep inside of ourselves and we don't necessarily love what we see, we have to somehow take it all in, regroup, and rebuild to the best version of ourselves possible.
now, of course, that doesn't mean constant success and rainbows and stars, but it does mean that there are days that you think, 'holy shit, I see something great here, and maybe that's me!'
haha!
or then again...'epic fail, that's definitely me!'  haha!
but either way...dusting off and giving it a go each time you get pummeled to the ground (yes, I've been watching a lot of 'Friday night lights' lately...haha!), now there's something to be said for trying trying trying...
a lot actually.
I admittedly give myself a good talking to many days when i'm on what I like to call my 'rock walk'.
it's a lil 45 minute jaunt that has pretty much saved my head and heart this year.
I do completely believe in the power of positive thinking, and what's in our heads can totally decide what ends up happening to the rest of our body during our days out there, in the jungle of the so called real world.
I would totally recommend havin your own version of a 'rock walk' in your lives.  it gets all the frustrations of life out, and if you can, make it outdoors so you can see what's around you and how damn beautiful it is to be alive.
it's the shizzzzzzzzzzzznet!  :)
so, here's where I do finally explain 'fuck that shit'.
sorry, mom, by the way, I know you hate that language, but I do love you...just sayin.
during my walks I go through what i'm struggling with that day or I vent or I try and just pump myself up...
because, well, we all need to be pumped up to survive this deal.
I try and recognize that what I want in life is to be full...is to be alive...is to be high in life...is to be courageous...is to be fearless...
and the only possible way to do that is to be vulnerable...
walls down, no guard up, and relentless...
the only way to fully know how it feels is to not be afraid to be smashed flat.
the end game, I guess you'd say is that I want to live.
and part of putting yourself completely out there, is to know that you could very easily fail in the biggest of ways, but you do it anyway because you have to see and you have to know and you have to feel.
what is life for except for living?????????????????
I think each of us may have different paths and wants and needs in this life (things to work on, god knows I do) and it's up to us to figure those things/priorities/desires/necessities...
but...
maybe we should all just try and live the best we can, to the best of our abilities, and learn every time that we stumble and fall, that the only way to apply all of that learning, is to get the hell back up, and keep moving forward.
so, yep to all of that, I say...fuck that shit :)
go for the things you want, say what you need to say, and love right out loud and in person.
in other words...live live live!!!!!!!!!!!

"life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "wow! what a ride!"
~hunter s. Thompson~