Thursday, December 9, 2010

on paper...

i'm gonna jump right in today and tell you a story...
basically, a couple of days ago, i turned 43...
yeah, i know...old! haha!
it was a pretty great day, i have to say.
and honestly, i can say that my birthdays, in the past, have been quite awesome as well.
i've told you before, that i consider myself to be a lucky person.
well...i'm not just making that up...i really am.
anyways, during that day, and maybe starting the day previous, i was having discussions here and there with different friends about turning 43, and how i felt about it.
and no, i wasn't just walking around spouting off my thoughts of 43...it just happened to come up in conversation.
with one friend, i had told her, basically, that it still surprises me when i say my age out loud,
that i feel nowhere near how old i am supposed to be.
that comparatively speaking...if i look at other 43 year olds,
i'm more like maybe, 26.
and what i mean by that and what i explained to my friend is this...
most people my age are in the midst of raising families, owning homes, keeping up with their stock portfolios, and planning their retirements...
and here i am with ownership of almost nothing...
what i do have, some plates and dishes and furniture that has been handed down to me, oh, so luckily by my sweet mother...
i rent.
i have no savings.
barely a checking account.
i wonder each month whether or not i am going to make it.
i'm not saying any of this for pity's sake...
i'm explaining this to add on to part of my story.
be patient :)
so, although, i really don't have anything really to speak of...
i never feel like i'm going without.
like i have less...
until i get that stupid urge to look around, and compare myself.
one of those things that you learn in yoga...
is to not look around to see what the person next to you is doing.
if only to figure out what position is being called out...
but to compare is always a bad idea...
it will either make you feel worse about yourself or too good about yourself...
instead of just being who you are...
and them being who they are.
learning to work with what you have within yourself...
instead all of that additional stuff that we keep buying, thinking it's going to make this huge difference...
because in the end...as my friend and i were talking about...
it's just stuff.
okay, so, now to roll on to the 'on paper' aspect of the story.
after dinner the other night,
my brother, a friend of mine, and myself,
went down the street to a restaurant to have a little dessert,
after having way too much sushi...
but hey, it was my birthday...why not get completely obliterated by sweet treats?
seriously!
on our walk to the restaurant, my friend was talking about this boy she was meeting up with that night.
so, my brother and i were asking questions about who this guy was, and maybe if he was a prospect of some kind...
she proceeds to describe him and at a certain point, mentions the fact that he looks good on paper.
my brother and i, being the smart asses that we are, just looked at each other and began making wise cracks about this 'on paper' comment. haha!
and to add to that she described another fellow as looking really good physically, but on paper, failed miserabley.
it's funny to me how we make those decisions about people.
grading them according to the things they have, what they look like, and where they've gone to school, etc.
i guess it is the process that we decide whether or not that person is what we want.
not long ago, i was sitting and having coffee with a friend,
and she was describing her ex in the same way,
as she described him, and his 'on paper' downfalls...
i realized that she could have been describing me!
haha!
i walked out that day, thinking...'wow, if everyone goes through that list, i may be single forever!'
haha!
but seriously...
the truth is...to each one of us...the 'on paper' thing is part of life.
but there are things that aren't 'on paper' that can make a big difference.
for me,
i guess i'm gonna have to go with believing that my 'off paper' attributes are what's gonna bring me home.
because really, in the end...it's all i have.
just me.
and what i've learned and am learning in these 43 years of life...
is that,
i am enough.

2 comments:

  1. Honey, fancy you talk about comparing our lives to others.. I have been talking about this same subject with another friend over the last couple of days. These are some of the best days of our lives.. we need to be confident in who we are in Christ. I love you Honey Deacon and your birthday was a couple days ago but I believe in birthday WEEKS.. so happy b to the day!

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  2. funny you should say the thing about birthday weeks! haha! i used to always go with just the weekend or so...but week sounds excellent! i feel as if i have been celebrating for a week! haha! and as far as you and i thinking about the same subject...well...great minds, baby cakes, great minds :) i love you too...more :)

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