walkin 18...

well, today, i caddied for a really good friend of mine,
that was trying to qualify for a pga event next week...
he did well...but we missed the cut for the monday qualifier...
get this...
by one stroke.
yes...that is a heartbreaker!
but there are some good things that came from it...
in golf, just as it is in life...
we have to learn from all things...
and most of the time...
when we don't succeed in doing something...
we learn more.
if we don't learn more, then most likely, we're just not paying close enough attention...or more like, we're not being truly honest with ourselves...
about who we are, how hard we're working, or what we may need to change.
yes, honesty, is definitely the best policy...
but that doesn't ever make it easier, does it?
sometimes with honesty...
we must treat it like a bandaid...
just rip it off...
it will hurt at first,
but then the pain begins to subside,
and you will heal and be okay,
as long as you quit scratching and picking at it.
so, basically, the learning that went on in the round today,
can most definitely be compared to how we live our lives.
first of all...my friend improved on his scores that he's had the last several times we've gone to qualifiers...and yes...that's easy to see and quantify because it's a number.
but
the reasons for this number being lower are the lessons.
when he got in trouble...
he fought his way through it, he scraped and scrapped.
two bad holes in a row, in the past,
got into his head and he couldn't move passed it.
this time...he took a deep breath...and moved forward and didn't let himself get down.
he just kept playing.
he made long putts under pressure,
and used his head when before he may have tried to force something that just wasn't there.
at the end of the day...
we walked away disappointed that we missed it...
but also proud that there were so many great things about the round.
so, you see,
sometimes,
even when we're not getting exactly what we're striving for...
there's always something you can take with you,
for the next time.
one can learn a lot about themselves through struggle.
about the kind of person you are...
and
the kind of person you want to be.
as we drove home today,
and talked about the round...
the putts,
the drives,
the chips,
the saves,
there was one thing that we just kept saying...
it's gonna happen...you're gonna make it...you're getting closer.
you just have to believe in yourself,
and know that each shot you come upon...
you have the ability to hit...you have it right there in your bag.
funny how close to life that really is, isn't it?
some say that we are never given anything we can't handle...
that life is what we make of it...
that we create our own destiny.
if that is true...
then each day is kinda like a qualifying round for the next day...
and each shot we come to,
we have in our bag...
we just have to commit to what we know we can do...
just believe...
and hit it.

this thought comes to mind...

i'm sitting here today...
a usual sort of day.
got up early, and one of the first things i do is look at the sky.
i love seeing the colors in it, you know.
and catching the glimpse of the sun coming up,
as it does everyday...
but since it is one of my favorite parts of the day...
i look always, and expect something i've never seen before.
and now that it's been a few hours since the sun has come up,
and it's gotten a bit hotter, and a little cloudy...and the breeze has disappeared completely...which, i have to be honest, since i work outside, is a total bummer :)
anyways, at one point this morning, while i was trying to decide whether or not i had the energy and gumption to run a few miles...i was doing my usual look out the window, and the sky was fantastic...i thought to myself...'i should grab my camera and take a few pictures of this sky, it's amazing'...so amazing, in fact, that it made me physically sigh and smile, all at the same time, thinking how wondrous it is to have this lovely view, each and every morning.
but, being that i was in the middle of this whole decision process of 'to run or not to run'...i moved around my apartment a bit, for just a couple minutes...and the next look i did out my window...the sky had completely changed and that color that was so breathtaking before, was gone...
just that quick!
as i look back at this inconsequential moment of mine this morning,
it reminded me of the fact that life is just like this, isn't it?
in constant change.
what is there one minute...can be totally different, the next.
i guess that's why they say it is important to live right here, right now.
because we really don't know what's up next, do we?
we can always hope though...and always dream...and strive to accomplish things...
but all the while knowing that the world is turning,
and things are changing,
the sun is coming up, and going down,
the moon is phasing constantly,
friends, family, and lovers are walking in and out of our lives,
and here we are, looking out the window,
trying to decide whether or not to take a picture,
or walk out the door and be right in it,
or read about it,
and maybe even join in and be a part of that change,
in our own lives,
but in others as well.
so many choices right?
the choice that seems to be showing itself to me constantly, in my life,
is the choice to let go.
i have to admit, which i've admited, oh so often...
not my strong suit.
i always think i can work my way through anything.
i think to myself, 'positive, strong, and loving'...
everything else will work itself out.
but then i don't listen, and i work...nose to the grindstone and all. haha!
one of my friends told me the other day that i just have to trust, and i mean trust deeply in the universe...that answers come...right when they're supposed to.
and everything will be as it should.
hmmmmmmmmmmmm...
there are so many unknowns in this world,
but that's the excitement, the mystery, the fun...
of seeing, of learning, of understanding.
god, it astounds me to think that my little circle of life is hooked on and part of all these other little circles of life...
and we're all walking along, intertwined,
like the kudzu on the side of I-95, driving up through georgia.
constantly growing and constantly changing,
whether you're paying attention or not.
that's the thing though, isn't it?
we have to pay attention...who wants to miss those perfect colors?
i don't know about you,
but i don't want to miss a thing.

in regards to hope

was just driving home from blockbuster, just down the road...
and was thinking that i was a few days late with my next blog post.
usually i just hope that something hits me,
and then it does,
and then i write.
but there are those days that nothing hits me.
i have random thoughts constantly.
i like to call it my stream...
and sometimes it's too constant...
i'm very sure there are quite a few of my friends that can attest to this.
to you guys...i'm totally sorry.
it's how my mind works.
and its who i am.
take me or leave me.
haha!
anyways, i thought i'd write a small note tonight about hope.
and the reason for this is the fact that one of my best friends in this world...
is getting married tomorrow morning.
now you're probably thinking...
'so what, people get married all the time'
but even as those words come out of your mouth,
or
run through your mind...
doesn't it make you wonder,
why we respond that way?
there are so many answers to that question, aren't there?
and no, i'm not going to even attempt to answer for everyone else,
because i can't...
but i will say this...
i think sometimes we answer that way,
because we've lost hope and faith in genuine love.
in somehow believing that there's another person in this world,
that is suited for us,
that will take care of us when we are in need,
that will be a thoughtful partner,
that will support us and lift us up, no matter how crazy we look or sound,
that will be there in the morning to embrace us when no one else is watching,
that will be able to read you, when everyone else seems illiterate,
and yes, i could go on and on and on...
because the list does keep going.
and it goes in reverse as well...we have to be all that for the other person.
i ran into a friend on the beach today and we were talking of just that...
the comfort of finally knowing and understanding,
what it is that we want in another person,
and finally being ready for the possibility of it happening,
and being okay to be alone until they come along.
perhaps this will be a long journey of learning.
but for some reason, we have to cling to some semblance of hope,
for these things to come true...
because if you don't believe...
what's the alternative?
hmmmmmmmm...
i don't know about you,
but i feel as if i've known a few people in my life...
that fit that bill.
and they don't come along very often,
which makes them truly special,
but it also gives me hope to know that although i'm alone now,
and have no idea of what will happen in the future...
i know that it's possible.
that 'hope springs eternal' as they say :)
so, in regards to hope...
i leave you with this...
my favorite love poem, in honor of my friend that has been lucky enough to meet a really beautifully souled person to share her life with.
this is for her...and for all of you that share in that hope of love...
or the amazing luck to have found it.

"i carry your heart with me
i carry it in my heart
i am never without it
wherever i go you go my dear
and whatever is done by only me
is your doing my darling
i fear no fate for you are my fate my sweet
i want no world
for beautiful you are my world my true
and its you are whatever a moon has always meant
whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
here is the root of the root
the bud of the bud
the sky of the sky of a tree called life
which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide
and this is the wonder thats keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart
i carry it in my heart"

~e.e.cummings~

ahhhhhhhhhh...sunday afternoon...

so, basically, i'm sitting here, after an amazing yoga class,
with a girl that defines the meaning of sunshine and grace,
and i feel comfortabley numb...in the best way possible.
every toxin i possibley had in my body before class...
has been left on that mat, that floor, and those yogi toes.
wow!
so as i sit here and contemplate the day and pretty much the weekend as well,
i find myself thinking a lot of different thoughts about my life...
how i'm living it and breathing it.
and what i'm taking with me,
and what i'm leaving behind.
i'm generally an over-analyzer of all things in my life.
trying to find the deeper meaning in a look,
a comment,
a gesture...
pretty much anything.
it can have it's downfalls, for sure...
because sometimes i end up worrying about things that shouldn't be worried about...
but then it also is a good trait because i'm aware of a lot that's going on around me too.
the way i have to deal with this overanalyzing brain of mine,
is that i have to laugh myself off sometimes...
like literally tell myself...'honey, what in the world are you doing?!'
'why are you being such a goof?!'
or
'relax, and let it go...it's gonna be okay'
there is something that is built in each and every one of us...
that tells us what's going on, without even asking the other person.
our intuition is such a strong thing sometimes...
that it can be quite overwhelming to realize that the feelings that project off of other people...we can read...
like there's some crazy internal language that our bodies are talking to each other, without opening our mouths.
there are many times though...
we fight that intuitive feeling and talk ourselves out of believing in it...
like we don't believe in ourselves and what our body is telling us.
that faith that we need to get us through anything and everything.
it's right there...
inside of all of us.
calmly, we should listen to it.
and take it in.
this is much easier said than done, most assuredly...
but the moment we begin to believe in ourselves...
the truth that is within each of us...
that moment...
could be the moment...
that a new life begins for us...
a new version of who we are.
true to ourselves and true to those around us.
from our most beloved friends and family,
to our co-workers,
to complete strangers.

"as the layers of falsehood fall away, an intimacy develops with our own truth. ultimately our truth becomes all there is. truth becomes our essence and our reality, our deepest desire, and the air that we breathe." ~from meditations from the mat~

if perhaps we look deeper at ourselves,
and become more truthful in our speech,
in the way we live,
in the way we love,
and the way we believe...
this could be that change...
that makes everything change around us...
and the truth becomes,
that good thing,
that makes each of us act greater,
with more kindness...
to each other.
i guess that means that we just have to make a better effort,
in believing in who WE are,
which in turn may make it easier to believe in those around us too.
there's this things we do in yoga class...
that as we are in tree pose...
hands outstretched to the sky...
eyes gazing upwards...
we reach for the hand of the person on either side us,
and close our eyes...
and basically, hold each other up...like a chain of help.
we have to trust in ourselves and in those around us in this life.
after all...what would life be without trust,
without faith,
without love,
without hope?
i can't even imagine it.
i don't even want to imagine it.
i say to myself each day,
'be positive, strong, and loving...everything else will take care of itself.'
each of us have our own truths.
live them.
without fear.
and believe in them.
without fear.
'to thine own self be true'

sittin here on hump day...

after being in this lovely new apartment for a whole month now...
yes...it has finally happened...
i have internet! wow!
i have to say...i was beginning to wonder if it was ever going to happen.
crazy out of touch feeling, not to have it.
may have been the longest i've gone without it...
except, of course, when there wasn't such a thing.
can i remember that far back? hmmmmmmmm....
wow, i have no idea! haha!
anyways, it's wednesday night, here in this little town,
where i live, and not much is going on except...
yes...me and the internet.
embarrasingly enough, i have caught up on the last few episodes of 'the hills'.
guilty pleasure. hahhaha!
takes my mind away from life and things and worry.
and, i have to be honest, that's a nice escape on some days.
because if we all look at our lives, on certain occasions...
it would be really great to be able to zone out and watch a mindless show, and somehow transport ourselves somewhere else...for just a few minutes, hours, or maybe even a day.
i, myself, escaped for just a few hours earlier,
by jumping in my little cube and driving to the city,
and walking around a bookstore, leafing through magazines, seeing what was new on the shelf, scouring cookbooks for something yummy...
then, as i usually do, edging up to the bar at p.f. changs and having an early dinner with a nice little frothy cosmo to welcome the late afternoon of my day off.
all i really needed were those few hours to revamp myself,
turn my head around...
then drive home.
the funny thing is...when we escape...
we eventually have to come back :)
and that saying, 'wherever you go, there you are'...somehow rings true.
i'm sitting here, thinking about it, and from the outside looking in...
there really would not be any reason to want to escape my life...
it is good.
i'm surrounded by all things beautiful...
ranging from the beach,
to my family,
to my friends,
to my health,
to my new little place that i rest my head,
to waking up every morning, and knowing i'm lucky!
a friend and i were talking about this the other day...
and when you read this...
you're gonna completely laugh at how insanely simple this is...
but i was just getting home from a workout,
and having picked up a few things from the grocery store,
i put them away and was making my way to the stove to have my second little cup of jane...when i opened my fridge, and looked in...
and i thought to myself as i closed the door...
'hmmmmmmmm...what a nice feeling it is to have food in my house...i'm lucky'
yes, you may laugh...but think of the people in this world...that don't have that...that everyday is a struggle to survive...
for food
for shelter
for safety
for warmth
for love
for a night without war
for a night without death
for some spare change
so, i sit here...
in front of my computer...
with a smile on my face...
and i know...
i've got every reason on earth...
to live here, right now, in this moment...
without reason to escape...
but reason to revel in the luck i have in this little life of mine.
because it is a good one.
full of all the things one could possibley want or need.
reasons to love and dance and sing.
i can attest to this...i really don't own a whole lot of anything of worth...
and i'm not sure if i ever will...
these are the choices i've made, and the way i live, i have no excuses.
but i do know that i'm beginning to learn that after one strips away all of these things that we are trying so desperately to accumulate during our lives...
what's left, is just us.
simply and honestly.
and at the end of the day,
it can be one of the most beautiful things there is...
pure heart and soul...open for the world to see.
plato said, 'truth is the beginning of every good thing, both in heaven and on earth; and he who would blessed and happy should be from the first a partaker of truth, for then he can be trusted.'
all we can really do in our lives is live,
truthfully and authentically.
if we do that with ourselves,
and the people we hold dear...
then each day becomes better and better.
and our lives will be brighter and fuller.
maybe not of material things...
but of the things that matter.
that's all part of life though, isn't it?
decided what those things are...
and living according to it...with intention and full awareness of what's around you.
we just have to get out there everyday...and believe.
live and breath and share...
whether or not you get knocked over, run over, or left behind...
stand back up...and don't be afraid to show who you are...
because that's all you truly have.
what's right there inside of you.
show it.
what have you really got to lose?