order dessert...

once again, here i sit...
in the buck...
sippin on a black tea latte'...couple squirts of vanilla...just to make it that much more fun.
have had a stint of being sick the last few days...since valentine's day...
right...perfect, eh? haha!
during this night of hanging out, on the floor of my bathroom...in child's pose...
i realized, pretty quickly that i needed to clean my floor in a big way...
and how nice it would have been to have another living soul there with me to rub my back and tell me that it was gonna be okay...but hey, then again, i wouldn't really want anyone to experience that with me...
because, let's be honest...it's definitely not the prettiest moment in the world, that's for certain.
just the same though...
a little company at the end of it all...when i dragged myself back to my bed...hopin that it was all done with...
well, now...
that would have been nice...
the oh so lovely, curving spoon, to make you feel like you're held and safe.
yeah...
perfect, it would have been.
which brings me to my thought today.
i found myself in a conversation the other night with a couple people i ran into at one of the local bars here,
on this little island i live on,
and somehow the conversation turned onto the subject of being alone.
one of the girls mentioned that a person they were trying to set someone up with might be happy being alone...
now let me just say...
i've been single for 5 or 6 years now...the number is beginning to get foggy,
but my answer to her was that i wasn't sure how happy people are being alone...
i think it's kind of more like, you begin to get used to it...and learn to live that way...
because, honestly, you have to really.
in the beginning of my single-hood, i chose to be single...not being ready for anything,
and still trying to figure out what in the heck i was doing, what i wanted, and what i needed to work on to be a better partner the next go around.
people are pretty quick to spat out the usual sayings of...'there are other fish in the sea'...'you'll find someone way better'...'right when you stop looking, then bam, it'll hit you'.
it's actually quite entertaining...and i should have been writing all these things down.
everyone has got some sage advice to roll onto you about being alone...
which, yes, it's nice to know people are thinking of you...
but i'm just gonna lay this out, without mincing words...
and i have no idea of another way to say it, but mostly, none of them have ever been alone...
maybe for a few months, here and there...between boyfriends and girlfriends.
so, yes, maybe this is a vent...
but this is just to say, being alone, is something you have to learn to do...it's definitely not for sissies.
and in time, it becomes easier...
and after some more time...you begin to look forward to your night alone, or your day spent in the silence of your own thoughts...
you train yourself to eat out by yourself, always having a book on hand, in your car or your purse,
go to the movies alone, (because, seriously, i don't want to talk during a movie)
walk into a bar, being lucky enough to run into some peeps...otherwise, hoping for a t.v. to be set on something interesting enough to watch...
have your cel. phone on hand, and randomly text people to have some kind of conversation going.
oh, the funny things we do to get through it.
but now that i've gotten through the worst part of it all...i'm a practiced loner, that is.
and i'm contently alone...
i still haven't given up on the fact that maybe one day there'll be that curvy spoon at the end of my day.
i hope for it.
i dream about it.
of being 'the master of my own fate, the captain of my soul'...
but the reality of life and love is...
it's all kind of up in the air, isn't it?
one thing i have learned is how important it is to just enjoy what is going on right now.
and right now...
i'm alone.
and it's okay.
there are always days, here and there, that it's sucks...and you've realized...'wow, i haven't talked to one person today'...
those are the days that i walk out my door and suck in the beach air,
and take it all in...
or maybe i jump in my car, and surprise my parents with a night of 'wheel of fortune' and 'jeopardy'.
something as simple as that makes them smile,
and gives me the company of the two people that love me the most in this entire world,
of which, i don't know if i've told you, surprises me and astounds me, all the time!
and hey, if you're lucky enough to have friends and family that are amazing,
then you're that much closer to knowing the secret of it all, eh?!
being surrounded by good people is the spice of life.
don't get me wrong though...knowing how to live alone, being yourself, and being good with that...
it's a test everyday.
it does force you to learn a lot about yourself,
which, in and of itself, is a pretty wondrous thing to do in life...
'know thyself', right? haha!
i sing as loud as i want, early in the morning...
i dance around, as if i were part of some hip hop dance troupe...
i talk to myself, and laugh quite often...
i cook nice meals...and set my little table, just for me...
i drink coffee in bed on my mornings off, and read and watch the sun peak out of the ocean,
watching the colors spread softly across my walls...this makes me sigh and smile...
and yes, these are small, simple pleasures...
what else does one need, really?
i was watching one of my old standby movies the other night...'hope floats'...
yes, yes, totally corny, hopelessly romantic flick,
but that's the kind girl i am...
anyways,
there's a part in it, that sandra bullock is out, eating in a diner alone, feeling self conscious,
and harry connick jr. is sitting at another table...
he mentions to her that the trick to eating alone is to look mysterious...
but as he walks by her, he leans in and says, 'remember, mysterious, and order dessert, just to spite'.
i love that.
just to spite. haha!
that whole alone thing...it can change a person...it can make you stronger...
more willing to break away, and do your own thing.
but it can also make you dwell in your alone-ness...
the key to that is to stand up, pay attention, breathe in, and breathe out...
and recognize that everything is temporary.
and by all means,
order dessert...
just to spite.