the life that is waiting...

welcome back to my lil blogosphere, my peeps!
as always i have some stories to share with you on this thursday of thursdays.
just fresh home from a sweaty spin class, drinkin my second cup of jane...
you may ask, why do i call it a cup of jane instead of joe?
well, the reasoning would seem to be quite obvious...
one of my favorite drinks in the world...
yep...should be a girl's name...not a boy :) just sayin...
okay, okay...onto the thoughts for the day...
per usual, life is quite full of happenings and crazyness...
who's to say what's good and what's bad?
it's all perception, right?
so, in that scheme of things i will say this...
my life is not completely chock full of crazyness really...
just mostly happenings, i would say.
a little over a week ago, my brother's wife had their second child.
i was lucky enough to be at the hospital when he came into the world...
little emmett leo...
i can't say that we were in the room for it...but we had the door cracked...
and we listened to this great transformation of life.
my mom and i stood there, listening, while julius, their other son, was waiting hopefully to meet his new bro...
at the first sound of his cry...all of our faces broke into smiles, and we scooped julius up and danced around and laughed...
perhaps his face was one of the best things to see, i have to say...
he just smiled and giggled and said his name...'emmmmmmmmetttttt', (in his high pitched lil sweet, soft voice he makes when he's being gentle)
and when we walked into the room to meet the new addition,
we asked julius what he thought of his new brother,
he said, 'i think i love him' and 'i missed you, emmett'
pretty much everyone in the room took a big sigh, hearing that untainted voice of love from a lil 3 year old boy...
it sorta took me back to before julius was born...
the nervous feelin of being unsure how life would turn out for my younger brother and his wife...how they'd make it...being so young...and already, a baby to add to their lives...
the crazy part of it all is when i found out, at first, that they were having julius, how i thought, 'oh, wow, this changes everything'...thinkin my brother's dreams of life would be dashed...
but how wrong i was...
i can't imagine life without that little boy, julius.
he's amazing to me...and hilarious...and full of love, wildness, and happiness.
to think that when i walk into the room, when he's in it...how a smile rips across his face, and he calls out my name and is ready to be thrown all around and given every hug and kiss available.
it goes to show you how amazing life can be, without even knowing that it's happening right there, in front of you!
life is so full of these instances that seem so regular, so simple...
and yet...AMAZING!
i heard a quote yesterday that fits into these thoughts pretty well...
"you must give up the life you had planned in order to have the life that is waiting for you."
these words come from joseph campbell...a mythologist, philosopher, and writer...
the guy that coined the phrase...'follow your bliss'.
so, what i'm thinking is that there are days that we come across things that seem as if they will be obstacles, that will make our lives harder...
something we hadn't planned for...
but then again...
just think about the other side of that...
once we climb that mountain...
walking down the other side of it...thinkin, 'wow, i went this high?'
it takes me back a few years ago, when i went to california to run a half marathon with a couple of my friends...
it was in big sur national park. the beginning was a straight climb, then the middle leveled out, then another really steep climb...
once i made it to the top, the half way point, and went to turn around, to go back down the hills we'd been running up...i looked out to the valley below, and thought to myself, 'holy shit, we came a long way! this is beautiful!'
yeah...
that's kinda how life is sometimes, isn't it?
it's quite full of moments that will blow you away...
the secret is...
you have to pay attention...you have to notice...you have to take your time.
because the things that we don't plan for,
are the things that surprise us the most...
who knows what's waiting for you just around the corner?
all i know is, that whatever it is...
is what it should be...
and that is 'the life that is waiting for you'

grabbing desperately...

"we are people who have lost our peace.
having lost it, we look for it everywhere...
we more than look;
in fact, we grab desperately.
until we remember that our own capacity to love is what we truly seek..."
those words are from marianne williamson...
i run across quotes by her all the time,
and i have to say, they all have such greatness and depth...
and well...love.
which, as you know...i kinda love :)
anyways, i felt like starting out my lil blogosphere with a bit of love today...
and honestly...i kinda like to start off with a lil love everyday...
wherever it may come from...accidentally or on purpose.
last night was friday, and i've been a bit of a hermit this week,
so, i had it in my mind that i was going to get out...
if not for too much, at least for a drink.
so, i went out for a late drink/snack with a good friend, at our local spot, that we always tend to migrate to, because it's comfortable and relaxed...
one of those places that you know the people that work there,
and the usual suspects that go there as well.
anyways, we were sitting there and talking about our day's at work and otherwise,
and, of course, i launch into this story of a grocery store visit that i had had that afternoon...i don't know about you, but there seem to be those days, that people just speak to you...and they tell you of their life and what's going on in it...and yes, these are people you don't know at all, but for some reason, they're talking to you.
so, basically, on this trip of mine...i had this kind of experience...an older woman just began to talk to me as i was getting out of my car to go inside...she was sweet and by herself, and i guess just wanted to tell me that my car was cute, but then launched into why she lived on our island, and that all the reasons she moved there, were moving away...
the thing is...i realize that, when i was sittin in my car, door open, finishin a text to a friend, and i looked up and saw this lil old lady rollin her cart next to my car, i was smilin and said hello, and asked if i was in the way, and that i would take her cart when she was done with it...that's all it took...and there she went...telling me her story.
i guess sometimes that's all it takes is an ivitation by way of a simple hello or smile.
and yes, i know that there are days, that we just don't have time to stand and listen or be patient enough to let someone just talk and say what happens to be mulling around in their heads...they obviously need to spill it, so, maybe it's just something that happens...and sometimes we have to just let it happen.
by the end of my grocery trip...i was checking out and the cashier went on a 10 minute spree of these really terribley sad stories...
i have to admit, it was strange to hear, because i don't know this woman personally, but for some reason, there she was, telling me her stories that were trapped in there somewhere, in her head.
there were 3 people in line behind me, and i felt their eyes boring into me, or maybe more like wondering if this woman was ever going to stop talking...it made me completely nervous, and then made me feel very sorry for the cashier, wondering why in the world she was telling me all of this?
i walked away in a state of sadness at this woman's stories.
an innocent trip to the grocery store,
and there i was contemplating the loneliness of the checkout lady.
geez.
as i was driving away, there was another older woman, walking across the walkway...
very very slow...as i sat there and waited...it took me into this whole state of thought of how she would make it around the store...how would she get her bags into here house...was she completely alone...
needless to say...i cried driving out of the parking lot,
thinking of these women...alone in their thoughts...and in their lives as well.
which brings me full circle to the drink i was having with my friend,
and the stories we were telling each other...
because during all of that,
a few of my other friends walked in,
and stood there for a few minutes,
we all hugged and talked and laughed with each other...
and the thought that rings true to me, during those moments with the people i love and care about...looking into the eyes of these people...and knowing that what each and every one of us is looking for, at the end of the day, is a few human souls that understand us, that hear us, that love us even with all of our frailties and failures, and misguided thoughts and actions...
that right there...they can look into your eyes...and know you...without fail...
and yes, sometimes even without logic :)
because let's face it, there seems to be no logic in love...
they just don't go together most of the time.
which is cool...everything can't make sense in life, right?
a little mystery is good for the soul, i say.
so, let me repeat...
"we are people who have lost our peace.
having lost it, we look for it everywhere...
we more than look; in fact, we grab desperately.
until we remember that our own capacity to love is what we truly seek..."
i'd like to think that as we desperately grab for this peace,
that along the way, we can find some bit of solace in the eyes that we are looking into...whether it be a friend, a family member, a partner, a wife or a husband...
but someone.
george elliot once said..."blessed is the influence of one true, loving human soul to another."
i have to say...i am blessed with an abundance of influence...
and i am lucky.

always becoming...

it's been a few weeks since my last posting,
and the funny thing is that, little ideas and thoughts creep up inside of my head, i hear them and then, more often than not, i forget them. haha!
i guess there's something to be said for writing things down, when they come up.
but nope, not me...i figure i'm gonna remember, if it's important, or a good idea.
like asking for directions or something :)
then when i sit down, i inevitabley can't remember it at all.
so, today i sit here with a hodge podge of ideas and thoughts and stories...
what to do, what to do...
i just walked in from watching the sun come up...one of my favorite things to do...so calming and invigorating...watching the slow rise, and thinking of all the possibilities for the day.
this morning was a lil buggy, so not quite as calming, but the gist of it all is there. i felt sort of like dean griswold from 'vacation'...i saw it, bobbed my head a little, smiled, and walked home.
i recently went to colorado for my nephew's commissioning in the army.
it was sort of a family trip.
sitting in the room with all of these accomplished soldiers that are ready to give their lives for their country kind of puts life in a different perspective.
my day consists of going to work at a golf course, schlepping bags to and fro, taking naps, reading books, working out, and if i'm lucky, hanging out with my friends and family.
i live paycheck to paycheck...wouldn't know what it feels like to have savings.
i can't pretend to understand the thought process of a soldier either...and honestly, guns scare the shit out of me! i don't even like to be in the same room with one, even if it's unloaded...it brings this tension to my body that i can't begin to explain. i guess maybe it's the sheer force and power that it puts in a person's hand that freaks me out.
anyways, the reason i'm telling you these things is that,
i live my life the way i do, not completely thinking about how others are living theirs.
oblivious to the fact that there's this whole section of people in our country, that are, as ani difranco would put it, 'armed to the teeth'...
this brotherhood of leading and following.
watching my older brother, a retired marine, give the oath to my nephew, brought tears to my eyes, and was completely unexpected to have this emotion.
for me, it would most likely be familial pride that brought the tears...
but also just watching these people sacrifice for their country is kind of amazing, i can't lie.
as liberal as i am...not bringing politics into this at all...
and not understanding most of the reasons behind wars or why there are people that are oppressed and why there are people that are dictators or why in the world we all just can't get along...none of that...
i'm just talking about...this unselfish giving of one's self.
body and soul.
to a cause.
it's overwhelming.
who i am is a total bleeding heart, i can't hide that.
i won't make excuses for it. it's who i am.
but i also feel quite lucky to live where i live,
to do what i do,
to say whatever i feel, right out loud,
to love who i love, and not be afraid,
to disagree, and it be okay to do so...
all these things...i feel truly lucky to be right here.
life is full of so many instances where we must stop ourselves and wonder what is going on inside of us.
why are we feeling this or that?
what brings the emotion out of us?
the important thing is to always question it, or more so, look inward,
and see what you see.
after all, we can't be afraid of what's inside of us.
and before we can look at anyone else with an open heart,
we have to be able to know exactly who we are...
every freckle, every wrinkle, and every scar.
of course, in this whole grand scheme of things...we are forever changing and evolving...make no mistake about it though, we are in control of only one thing...who we are or who we choose to be.
no blame can be placed on anyone else.
be that.
but pay attention.
thing is, when i was sitting in that room of people in colorado springs,
it made me feel a bit small...like, hey, i'm gonna fly back to florida, work on a golf course, go to spin and yoga, feed and cloth myself, go boogie boarding...you get the idea...the life of leisure, i have.
i guess that's all part of that circle of things.
and having the freedom to do so is the best thing on earth!
what does the army say?
'be all you can be'
hmmmmmmmmmm...
wherever you are and whatever you are doing...
that might be the idea...
be all you can be...
you just have to figure out what that is...
thus, the search continues...
always becoming...one of my favorite quotes from my yoga teacher.
if you think about it...
it's true...
we are...
always becoming.
if nothing else in this world is true...
you do have a hand in who you are becoming.
that's a huge responsibility!
be.
just you!
always and forever becoming.
question is...
what are you becoming?