a little lost...

i'm sitting here,
and i have nothing to say.
well, maybe i do, but maybe i should just write.
it's something flannery o'conner believed in...
that if you wanted to be a writer...
each day...you should sit down and write...
no matter what.
if you have anything to write or not...just write.
hmmmmmmmmm...
at this very moment...that seems pretty impossible.
but...
at this very moment...i'm thinking that maybe i should be giving this idea
a chance to work it's magic.
i don't know about you,
but
i have quite a few fears.
when i was younger...i really really hated scary movies.
if i watched them...totally had to sleep with the light on...i'd even say prayers out loud, and have conversations with god to distract me from the fear at hand. haha!
i had definite fear of the end of the world coming...being that i was at church and revelations was the scariest sounding book in the bible...hell, fire, and brimstone in the first baptist church, led me to many nights of fear.
i was, and am still (but not quite as badly now) afraid of failure.
of course now, i realize, the only way to find success is to make a shit ton of mistakes :)
which i have done, and most likely and hopefully, will continue to do.
maybe not in such a grand scale...but who knows!?
i've never had so much the fear of being alone...but don't get me wrong...i'd rather not end up alone...i'd rather be sitting on the porch, growing grey headed with a lovely and amazing woman by my side, to share my life with...growing grey headed, just the same...can't do that alone. haha!
there's always that fear of loving someone and them not loving you back...what do you do then? or do you even tell them? i'm starting to believe, more and more...that you do just tell them. love is meant to be shared...it is meant to be given, without regard of getting it back.
although, that being said...of course we want it back...we want to look across at that person, and know that they have a feeling for us that is so grand, that just being in the same room with them makes you feel warmth, tenderness, passion, and soul. that you just can't help but want to reach out to them and touch them...just to know they are there, and it's not just a dream :)
one of my biggest fears has been to grow old...
this hasn't happened in a long time...
but it would literally keep me up at night.
the thoughts of it, reeling through my head.
i know it's one of those truths in life.
one of those things that has to happen.
life is so amazing, truthfully...
but also so inexplicable.
i wrote my last blog on love and timing and destiny.
well, i guess, all of these things have a way of having their own timing.
the good and the bad.
i was talking to one of my friends tonight...
and she reminded me to just breathe...
just like in yoga.
there are parts of the yoga practice that the teachers are calling out to us about inhaling and exhaling.
as if...
we're not already doing it...
but the truth of the matter is that sometimes we're just not even aware of what we're doing in this life...
until someone reminds us...
inhale
and
exhale