growing pains

i was thinking the other day about how much one person can affect our lives.
change the scope of it...for worse or for better.
make you feel certain things.
love,
anger,
sadness,
joy,
elation,
depression,
and a whole list of physical feelings as well!
it's kinda crazy if you really think about it!
a couple days ago,
i was at work,
working with a guy that is not my favorite person to be in the vicinity of...
for so many reasons...but i'll just say that when i work with him...it's like working by myself...and usually when he's talking...i'm wishing i was by myself...thinking that by now, you get the gist of my problem.
anyways, there i was, working with this guy...
and while he was talking at me...
i began to get these pretty horrible stomach pains.
for hours he talked, and for hours, my stomach would not stop hurting.
sometimes it's so horrible, i literally walk away from him, while he's talking, just so i can take a deep breath and remind myself that, 'hey, honey, we're all in this together...he has a story too...he has light'...
and when i walk back to him...he continues on with whatever he was talking about before...like i never left! oy veh is what i'm saying! haha!
so, anyways, during this whole stomach ache fest...he finally does his usual disappearing act for several hours, leaving me on my own to face the vast amount of golfers, coming in and off the golf course...which believe me, if given the choice...i'd choose doing it alone every time :)
anyways, i realized the other day, during this horid stomach ache, that after he left, and i was able to have a calming breath...
my stomach ache slowly but surely, went away.
this one person...has the power to frustrate me so much...
that i tense up...and have this strangely amazing, harsh pain in my stomach!
how insane is that...
that we let that happen...
i let that happen...
one person!
the thing is...
he doesn't have any control over how i react to his quite bothersome ways.
and even though, i'm so aware of it...i somehow, let it get the best of me, let him get under my skin.
this is the power that we have within us...
no matter how much we would like to argue about it...
we decide, in a way, how we are going to be treated,
or more like...how people are going to affect us,
by not being aware of what's going on inside of our bodies.
it's not the easiest thing, for sure.
but it's also completely do-able.
most days, when i'm going into work, for example...
i know who i'm going to be working with...
it kind of gives me thought to how i will handle my day...
what kind of attitude that i need to have to go into it...
and so on.
if it's at all possible,
trying to be positive, strong, and loving through all of your day,
and reminding yourself of it,
each time our feelings going off course, and we feel frustrated,
it can bring a sort of calm to you,
knowing that it's okay that you feel that way,
but that you're deciding to move past it,
or walk along with it,
because the steps that you're taking,
are yours...
you own them...
you are them.
and the kindness that you show to another human being,
whether you know it or not,
affects their life,
which in turn,
affects another and another and another.
i'm not gonna lie to you though...
i walked away from work the other day...
with anger, frustration, and a whole array of other not so great emotions...
not being able to understand the other living, breathing, human soul that i was working next to...
(because the truth of the matter is, sometimes we're not meant to understand things that go on in life...maybe we're just not ready for it...that takes time)
but the next day...when i went into work...
i reminded myself...
there's no way i can change this guy...
but there's a possibility of me, changing how i deal with how i react to him.
it's a work in progress though...as is all of what i do in this life of mine.
change and learning aren't the easiest things, are they?
but if we are to grow...
we must go through it all...
and sometimes it's just painful...
but on the other side of that...
is a world of understanding.
and a chance to become a better version of ourselves.

driving over bridges...

i happen to have been driving over the bridge this morning,
heading off to do a few errands i've been putting off, as usual...
when the thought crossed my mind of how many times i've driven over this bridge.
you see...if you don't live where i live...
to get off the island, there are two bridges, going in different directions...one sort of north, the other south.
anyways, i was thinking about all the reasons i've driven over the bridge,
ranging from huge moments in my life, to pretty inconsequential moments as well...and it took to me to this place of remembering the array of feelings that went with those trips over that bridge and away from this island.
the few times i've moved away...
off to college,
tucson,
atlanta,
portland.
looking back and feeling excited, nervous, and afraid, all at the same time.
the times when i knew i was in love.
driving to that person,
coming home to them,
being unsure and wobbley inside,
but knowing the best place to be,
was right next to them.
the times when i was starting a new job.
or going to an interview,
that i had no idea if it would be where i'd finally find my place.
which, by the way, the search is still on for fullfillment there.
the times i was just running away.
to get away for the day,
and lose myself,
in a movie, or a bookstore, or a deep dish of nourishment.
looking for a moment of lack of stream of thought,
just to be.
moving back home from wherever,
each time has felt quite a bit different,
even though the driving over the bridge is done in the same way,
the reasons for coming home,
and feelings,
and my life outlook, in general,
were so different,
it's hard to even begin to explain.
the times when i drove over the bridge,
going to doctors visits and surgeries and waiting rooms.
the seriously scary moments,
of being completely unsure of what life would be like,
the next day.
of having that crazy moment of clarity,
that things sometimes,
are just not in our control.
i guess the thing that we have to know in this life...
is that while we're living it,
it's important to drive over that bridge.
that sometimes it's going to be the greatest reason,
to get off our island,
and sometimes not.
but driving up and over and down...
we can feel each and every part of the rise,
the leveling out,
and the descent.
and as long as we're actively participating in that drive...
then...
who knows,
what will be waiting on the other end of that bridge?
the only way you can know,
is by moving forward, with your eyes wide open.
it's within us to drive over to the next bridge,
and feel the fullness of experience,
just maybe differently.
with new vision.
and hope.
so, basically...
yeah, that's what i was thinkin about on my little journey over the bridge today.
how each time over it,
could turn out to be an experience, in and of itself.
how my life is constantly changing and surprising me.
how lucky i truly am to be able to take that drive,
whenever i please.
how perhaps, nothing can really get in the way of where i'm going.
except me.
so, i think i'll just keep driving,
and looking forward to seeing what happens next.

one of those days...

i'm getting the feeling, more and more lately...
that i truly have no idea of the splendor that is hiding behind each turn of my life.
this has been one of those kinds of days where...
it could be the best day of your life...
and, then again...it could be one of the worst.
as it turns out...
as the fates would have it.
my family and i had a 'best day of our life' kinda day.
when you're having one of those days...
you're in the midst of it,
hoping for good things, cringing when anything seems just a little off, and looking for signs that you may or may look for very normally.
we sat for hours today, staring at the walls, staring at each other, trying to sleep, trying to occupy ourselves with reading, watching the constant idiotic stream of the television, wondering what in the world is wrong with mel gibson and his exploding rose garden (that was for you j), and all the while, in the back of our minds, wondering what destiny was going to bring our way today.
the strange part about life is that,
we're here on this earth,
living it,
right next to all of these strangers,
sometimes minding our own business, and sometimes getting involved.
either way...
somehow, one life touches another,
and we witness these things in grand amazement.
feeling emotion for a person next to you,
that you've never even seen before in your life.
but there you are...
in the same waiting area...
feeling, most likely...
the same feelings.
but knowing each of our destiny's is different...
even if it's in the smallest of ways.
maybe it could be compared to a snowflake...
that as much as we look alike from a distance, upon further examination...
there are intricate and delicate differences,
which make us who we are and who we are to become.
i've been thinking a lot lately about faith.
it's one of my struggles, most definitely, in this life.
the letting go of thinking at all that we have control over anything else besides ourselves and our actions, and sometimes even then...i seem to lose it. haha!
and well...
as much as i preach about believing and loving and destiny,
it's still hard to open my hands up,
let go,
and know that it will all be okay...
either way, and no matter what.
that the events that happen in our lives,
are synchronized somehow into this crazy, big ben like, clock...
ticking away in perfect rythmn.
and the bell tolls in order to remind us to pay attention.
to wake up.
to live life.
in this exact moment.
right now.
no excuses.
no questions asked.
love hard. love strong. love big.
because each moment that you are here...
should be lived, as wildly and as passionately as you can.
being an athlete all my life...there's a thing you think about when you play...
you want to play so hard...that there's nothing left in you, when you walk off the court, field, pool, whatever.
you want to leave it all out there.
well...
that's how life and love should be...
when we look back at it...
we should have left it all out there.
without regret and with a smile on our face.
teary eyed, sweat stained, bruised and tired...
and completely satisfied...
that we've done everything we wanted to do.
without fear.

a little lost...

i'm sitting here,
and i have nothing to say.
well, maybe i do, but maybe i should just write.
it's something flannery o'conner believed in...
that if you wanted to be a writer...
each day...you should sit down and write...
no matter what.
if you have anything to write or not...just write.
hmmmmmmmmm...
at this very moment...that seems pretty impossible.
but...
at this very moment...i'm thinking that maybe i should be giving this idea
a chance to work it's magic.
i don't know about you,
but
i have quite a few fears.
when i was younger...i really really hated scary movies.
if i watched them...totally had to sleep with the light on...i'd even say prayers out loud, and have conversations with god to distract me from the fear at hand. haha!
i had definite fear of the end of the world coming...being that i was at church and revelations was the scariest sounding book in the bible...hell, fire, and brimstone in the first baptist church, led me to many nights of fear.
i was, and am still (but not quite as badly now) afraid of failure.
of course now, i realize, the only way to find success is to make a shit ton of mistakes :)
which i have done, and most likely and hopefully, will continue to do.
maybe not in such a grand scale...but who knows!?
i've never had so much the fear of being alone...but don't get me wrong...i'd rather not end up alone...i'd rather be sitting on the porch, growing grey headed with a lovely and amazing woman by my side, to share my life with...growing grey headed, just the same...can't do that alone. haha!
there's always that fear of loving someone and them not loving you back...what do you do then? or do you even tell them? i'm starting to believe, more and more...that you do just tell them. love is meant to be shared...it is meant to be given, without regard of getting it back.
although, that being said...of course we want it back...we want to look across at that person, and know that they have a feeling for us that is so grand, that just being in the same room with them makes you feel warmth, tenderness, passion, and soul. that you just can't help but want to reach out to them and touch them...just to know they are there, and it's not just a dream :)
one of my biggest fears has been to grow old...
this hasn't happened in a long time...
but it would literally keep me up at night.
the thoughts of it, reeling through my head.
i know it's one of those truths in life.
one of those things that has to happen.
life is so amazing, truthfully...
but also so inexplicable.
i wrote my last blog on love and timing and destiny.
well, i guess, all of these things have a way of having their own timing.
the good and the bad.
i was talking to one of my friends tonight...
and she reminded me to just breathe...
just like in yoga.
there are parts of the yoga practice that the teachers are calling out to us about inhaling and exhaling.
as if...
we're not already doing it...
but the truth of the matter is that sometimes we're just not even aware of what we're doing in this life...
until someone reminds us...
inhale
and
exhale

july fourth...

so, yeah, i was at work this morning,
thinking about writing something today.
something that would be sort of patriotic in a sense,
since it is independece day and all!
and this is what i came up with...
and seriously, whether or not it seems like a 4th of july blog...
it might only ring true in my head.
haha! which normally, that's how it works...since i'm the only one in my head :)
well, there may actually be other people accompanying me in my head, but that's a whole other story...whole other blog! haha!
way whole other blog!
anyways, back to the message at hand...
last night, i was at my parents house, having dinner with my mom, dad, and older brother.
it was a simple meal of shrimp and potatoes, finished off with some most excellent peach cobbler.
we talked and laughed and told stories.
and my bro even told a pretty awesome joke that we chuckled heavily about...you know, one of those airless sounding laughs...love those!
but as i was sitting there, i was thinkin about my brother.
he's this amazing man, husband, and father.
but in recent times he was a marine...
i guess they say that once marine, always a marine.
well, he was marine from the time he got out of high school until a couple years ago...the career marine.
now that he's retired, our family can breath easier, for sure.
but looking at him, you wouldn't know what he's been through or where he's been...
because he has these sweet eyes and cheshire cat grin.
he's a fisherman and a gardner at heart, and an astounding chef.
but this man, i call my brother,
has been to the other side and back...
for this country...
he never asked questions...
he just went...
and he stood fearlessly, looking in every face of danger...
because he knew that's what he signed up for.
now him and i...we are so different, and we don't agree on many things...i am a total bleeding heart kinda girl, and we've argued til our faces were red and sweaty.
and have to apologize countless times to each other.
one time i even remember him apologizing to me, and saying 'i'm sorry that you're such a democrat, but i love you' haha!
but he is my brother...and i am ultimately so proud of the man that he is.
he has courage and honor and commitment to the call of duty.
i may never understand what he's seen,
but looking at him, makes me know just how much people have to go through to find independence.
that there are thousands upon thousands of men and women, that are in a constant fight for it, each day.
it's crazy to think...when i'm sitting here, enjoying my afternoon...that people all over this world are fighting for freedom and a choice.
so, no matter how far on opposite ends, my brother and i are.
we have the same blood in us...
we know so many of the same stories...
we laugh at the same jokes...
we have very similar features...
and we grew up fighting each other,
but loving each other as well.
i can't help but love that man when i look at him.
and i can't help but be proud of him,
and what he stands for.
happy independence day to you all.